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Monday, 5 April 2010

Dear 2009

Originally Written: 31/12/10

Dear 2009

Good riddance you asshole.

Ha, just joking, you know me man. In all seriousness though, I do think we could've done better. I am not saying it's your fault entirely, but it does take two to tango, you know? I think maybe if you had pulled your weight a bit better and realised there is no "I" in "Team", you could've been a little more selfless in your actions. Don't get me wrong, you were special in some ways, being my first full year in London and all. But I still feel you weren't quite as cool as some of your predecessors. 2008 for example. But hey, I was entertained, you were entertained, and I suppose that's both our jobs done and we can call it even this time round.

Musically, you owned, I will give you that. Of course, my choices were hardly ever exclusive byproducts of you, but you still gave me some space to brush up on the classics, and I appreciate that man. And I'll admit that I did occasionally dabble in your superstars along with the rest of the world. The Black Eyed Peas', the Lady Gaga's, the La Roux's and the MGMT's really dominated your airwaves, and when no one was around, I was known to give them a listen. But in general I found more satisfaction within the sounds of The Flaming Lips, Tom Waits, Sonic Youth, Nick Cave and Blur. These artists deserved attention that I had never given them before, so it was nice to welcome them the opportunity to consume my speakers. This is not to say that I spent the entire year looking only musically at the decades before. There were also somewhat newer artists that made me happy such as Crystal Castles, Regina Spektor, MIA, Santigold, Die Antwoord, The Ting Tings, Royksopp and sometimes (
sometimes) Mika. Not to mention the massive injection of Dubstep which found itself into my daily musical diet.

But music is a given for any year, and there were other factors that stood out about you. Stuff like spending countless days worth of online time watching Family Guy. Or the blind drunkardness of The Church on Sundays. Or me and my housemates' mission to find the hottest chili, curry or sauce on the planet (resulting in mornings bleeding into the toilet). I also remember some rumours about a recession or a swine flu or something like that, never really heard the whole story.

I could ramble on in a disorganized fashion about 2009-this and 2009-that, but for the sake of no one in particular, I figure it would be good a time to narrow this all down into manageable bite-sizes. Many many years ago someone decided to split the 365 days calendar into 12 sections, and to honour this practice, I shall analyse you monthly.

I hope this gives you the respect you deserve, 2009, as you are truly on your dying legs. I hope you enjoyed it, because if you didn't, why'd you come here in the first place huh?

David Weidmann, Barrack Obama, Mystery Method
The 1st
One of my best friends in the world dies of a cocaine overdose, and I cried and I cried.
The 6th
Animal Collective release Merriweather Post Pavilion, which is pretty much the most critically acclaimed album of the year.
The 20th
The 44th (and first black) president of the United States, Barack Obama was inaugurated into power.
Misc
It is also important to mention that at this point I was very into the Art of Picking Up Chicks, spending hours reading material and aimlessly hitting on innocent girls using canned openers and following an exact formula. It took months before I realised how stupid this all was.

Abbey Road, Faith No More, Burning Shit
The 7th
The deadliest Australian Bush fires in history killed 173 people, injured 500 and left 7,500 homeless.
The 8th
The Taliban released that video of Piotr Stanczak getting his head cut-off.
On the same day Blink-182 announced their reformation. I really liked their self-titled album, so I was happy.
The 24th
Even bigger, on this day Faith No More announced their reformation. Best news ever for a little Patton-Junkie such as myself.
Misc
I also think it was sometime in this month that me and my friends finally did the Abbey Road crossing photo, big dream come true.

As Seen On Facebook, Britney Spears, Royksopp
The 6th
Launched Juice One: As Seen on Facebook, and all of this began.
The 10th
Britney Spears releases her single If U Seek Amy from her album Circus. It caused much controversy with it's sexual innuendos, and made me a very excited little boy indeed. I am, in fact, begging to fuck you Britney - how did you know??
The 23rd
Royksopp released their album Junior, and it was awesome. The song Happy Up Here became a massive anthem for 2009 in my household.

The Rad Pad, Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney
The 4th
Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr took stage together at Radio City Music Hall for the David Lynch foundation.
The 25th
I got to do something I never thought possible: see Bob Dylan live at the O2 whilst super high on a potent hash brownie. Surreal.
Misc
At some point in this month I moved from my awesome home in Camden to an even better place on Brick Lane. We named it The Rad Pad and it was the undisputed best place I have ever lived with the best people I could ever ask for. Let me make this very clear: WE DESTROYED IT like true Rock Stars and no amount of words could explain this properly. There were multiple holes in the walls and my bed was shattered by the time we left.

Southend, Break Up, Eminem
The 19th
Eminem released Relapse, the undisputed Guilty Pleasure of 2009, totally fucking up my LASTFM account.
The 20th
Art Brut releases their third album Art Brut vs. Satan. I got into them here in a big way and loved going back and learning their entire catalogue.
The 29th
Me and few mates went to Southend, Essex and camped on the side of the road in true bergie fashion. Tons of alcohol, tons of messiness, tons of awesomeness, SpongeBob.
Misc
My "girlfriend" of sorts broke up with me after 6 months of something. We still get along just fine.

Art-Pulpitations, Michael Jackson, Band Stuff
The 1st
Launched Juice Two: Art-Pulpitations, which has grown up so much since then *sniff*.
The 3rd
Black Eyed Peas released The E.N.D. which was possibly the biggest album of the year.
The 5th
I got a random email from a guy named Anton who found me on the net and wanted me to audition for his band. Months and months and many guitarists later, we are secure and still going strong.
The 9th
Sonic Youth release The Eternal, their 16th studio album.
The 11th
Swine Flu was announced as a global pandemic.
The 12th
Despite the pandemic, I spent the next 3 days surrounded by dirty metalheads at Download Festival 2009. Finally saw Marilyn Manson, but more importantly, got to do something that I never considered a possibility: I witnessed Faith No More put on one of the best shows I have ever ever been a part of. MASSIVE highlight, thanks 2009.
The 23rd
Regina Spektor releases her third album Far. Not her best, but still good enough.
The 25th
Michael Jackson dies at 50, and the world mourned the loss of our own Elvis Presley.
The 29th
La Roux releases her Self-Titled Debut, and our house never heard the end of it.

Solar Eclipse, Blur, Lady Gaga
The 2nd
Blur had their 20 year reunion and superconcert at Hyde Park. My housemate assures me it was excellent.
The 13th
Lady Gaga becomes the first performer since Avril Laveigne and Ace of Base to have 3 number 1 songs from her debut album.
The 22nd
The longest solar eclipse of the 21st century lasted for 6 min 38.8 seconds over Asia.

Radiohead, As Seen On Facebook Dies, Ross Jeffries
The 5th
As Seen On Facebook hit 1000 members, and then got shut down by the admins.
The 7th
Typhoon Morakot struck Taiwan leaving 500 dead and 1000 stranded.
The 13th
Legend Les Paul died at age 94, and the guitar world ached.
The 21st-23rd
I won a seat at a seminar held by Ross Jeffries, arguably the biggest guru of Pick Up Artist game. His techniques involved NLP and hypnotism, and despite making out with a girl only hours after the seminar, it was here I realised how lame it was and promptly swore to quit the embarrassing scene once and for all.
The 26th
Saw Deftones live at the HMV Forum. So fucking good. Chino touched my hand.
The 28th
Lily Allen releases her excellent sophomore It's Not Me, It's You. I began to really get into her music and her person at this point, already joking that I would meet her one day. These words became quite a major fixture of 2009.
The 29th
Saw Radiohead at Leeds Festival. Best. Concert. EVER. Highlight of London, never mind 2009.

Homeless, Rumination Syndrome, Jay-Z
The 1st
Round about this time, a bunch of bailiffs knocked on our door and kicked us on the street. Homeless, because our Landlord wasn't using our rent money to pay the mortgage. We spent 2 weeks sleeping at friends' places before we got back into the Rad Pad. We then managed to live there for free for over 2 months. Ftw.
The 8th
Jay-Z releases The Blueprint III. About 4 of these tracks were never far from my thoughts.
The 9th
The entire Beatles catalogue was remastered and rereleased to coincide with The Beatles Rock Band game.
The 10th
Nine Inch Nails played their last "foreseeable" concert.
The 29th
A 8.3 magnitude earthquake caused a tsunami that hit the Samoan Islands and killed 189 people.
The 30th
A 7.6 earthquake Samatra hit Indonesia and killed 1000 people. Had a bad week 2009?
Misc
After much research, it was this month I discovered I have the chronic eating disorder Rumination Syndrome. This just means I can puke on command, ask me to show you some time, it's pretty funny.

Keaton, Emoness, Money, Fuck You Chantelle Schmidt
The 9th - The 23rd
Went to South Africa. I have spent too much time thinking, talking and hurting about this, so I have chosen to not include the mess nor give any undeserving power to it, ever again.
On the upside, it was here that I decided to stop putting so much energy into finding the love-of-my-life and rather work on becoming a success through the Juice thang. Because the rest will follow.
It was also now that my job back in London made me redundant. They eventually retracted this, but here began my struggle to get all the money they owed me which continues to this day.
All is not lost, I did get to meet my first nephew Keaton. That made everything completely worth it. It was also great to see a bunch of my old friends again (sorry I was so depressing guys, next time we will do it right, I promise).
The 13th
The Flaming Lips release the double-album Embryonic, their 12th studio release. Critics love it.

Lily Allen, Newquey, Live
The 1st
I can't remember the exact date, but almost all my London friends and I went to Newquey for my housemate's surprise party. We slept in huts, surfed and chased goats around a field at midnight. Here I realised that London is my home.
The 17th
Launched Juice Three: Help Jared Woods Meet Lily Allen.com which drummed up more attention than any other Juice before.
The 18th
The biggest act of 2009, Lady Gaga releases "The Fame Monster". Basically just a glorified b-side album.
The 23rd
Tom Waits releases his live album Glitter and Doom.
The 30th
The band Live broke up. Really? What took you so long?

Juice Nothing, Rage Against the Machine, John Frusciante
The 1st
Finally said goodbye to the Rad Pad and moved to Murder Mile with the exact same crew. Murder Mile has had more murders than any other place in London, around 8 men in 2 years. If that wasn't cool enough, we now have a fucking pool table. So far we have only smashed one window, burnt one floor and broken one pool cue. Not bad.
The 16th
John Frusciante announces his departure from The Red Hot Chili Peppers :'(
The 17th
Launched Juice Nothing, for this very reason.
On the same day I saw Lily Allen live in concert, read more here
The 20th
On one of the coolest musical days ever, people on facebook who were tired of the X-Factor always dominating the Xmas number 1, got together and fought it with the song Killing In The Name by Rage Against The Machine. We won. Power to the people.
Then Britney Murphey died, very sad.
The 22nd
The Flaming Lips release their 2nd album of the year, an entire cover album of The Dark Side of the Moon, featuring White Dwarves, Henry Rollins and Peaches.
Misc
As a cherry on top, someone very (very fucking) close to me got diagnosed with cancer. Nice way to see it all off, thanks.


So... what did you think 2009? Did you enjoy the mess you made? I hope so. If you can do me a favour and call 2010, ask if we can maybe avoid the instability of work and home this time? And as for my relationships... actually never mind.

But I wouldn't be much of an optimist if I didn't thank you for being the most creative year of my life. And there is nothing more important to me. Not to mention I saw some of the best, most legendary artists in the world; had good music to get me through; and met people I am blessed to spend my time with. So I'll give you a gold star for that, here you go.

And it is with that long and occasionally painful reflection, I bid you farewell 2009. And good luck in your quest for significance as you get buried amongst all the years that came before and will come after you. Personally, I think 2010 is going to kick your ass.

Love Jared

P.S: In case anyone asks, my new years resolution will be the same as it is every year: Get Fucked Less. Do More Work.
<3


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