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Thursday, 30 December 2010

Dear 2010,

Please don’t go. I don’t understand why you want to leave me so soon. I thought we had something special? Don’t you like me? Aren’t you proud of what we have achieved? Don’t you see that we are meant to be together??

*Sigh* I guess we both knew this time was coming. You were honest from the beginning, and I appreciate you for that. And God knows you totally kicked the ass of my last relationship. I just wish we had a little more time. We could do so much more. We are perfect for each other.

The purpose of this letter is so that you never forget me. I want to summarize our relationship as best as I can, but I have struggled for the words. The most obvious would be “Best Year Of My Life”, but it was more than that. It was eventful, it was productive and there are memories that will last me until my dying day. I mean, I know we didn’t agree on everything, like that whole Twilight and Beiber thing - that was terrible taste in my opinion. And you also went a little crazy with all those natural disasters, that was pretty harsh man. But hey, at least you didn’t kill Michael Jackson this round! I don't think I could've handled another Google crash, so maybe it all evens out.

Listen to me ramble. I guess I am just that comfortable with you. Please, accept these memories as a token of my appreciation, and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.


Jared Woods January 2010: Wriggles Dies, The Freewheelin Troubadour moves into East Village, Burj Khalifa get erected
The 1st
I entered the year drunk, unemployed and completely broke. The latter due to an irritating company I worked for which imploded without paying me for 2 months, despite many bold promises through dirty rat stained fangs. The job market wasn’t being too kind to me either, and I had even begun to look at live-in bar-jobs. I had just moved into The East Village with some of my best mates, and leaving was the last thing I wanted to do. I was stressed to say the least.
To make matters worse, The Legend Wriggles (South African family Yorkshire Terrier) passed away after losing a battle with a snake. This was very heartbreaking for all of us, as he had become a deep part of the Woods' over many years. 

Coincidentally, this was also the anniversary death of one of my best friends, David Weidmann, which has made me somewhat paranoid about New Years survival in general.
At least on this day Soundgarden announced their reformation, which could actually be a bad thing too.

The 4th
The tallest man-made structure to date, the Burj Khalifa in Dubai, was erected.

The 12th
My Brief Brushes With Greatness blog was launched. I think I might have even got a Like for it.
Meanwhile, in Haiti, a magnitude 7.0 earthquake took place. The death toll was around 230,000 and it basically fucked the whole place up.

The 15th
The longest annular solar eclipse of the 3rd millennium occurred. I don’t think I noticed.

The 22nd
The Biggest Mistake Of My Life blog was launched. Most people didn’t get it.

The 24th
Radiohead played a benefit show for Haiti raising $572,754 for Oxfam. Nice bunch of guys really.

The 28th
The Freewheelin’ Troubadour moved into The East Village, completing a piece of the puzzle.

Misc
Daddy was diagnosed with breast cancer sometime around now. That’s right folks, it’s not just for girls.
At some other point I don’t remember in January, I quit/got fired from the band I was in. I couldn’t afford travel to attend band practice due to the previously mentioned lack of job, and they started to look elsewhere. I understand why this would happen, and even though I don’t think it was handled in the best manner possible, I wish them well. I hear their name is Exile now, so if you google them, they will be one of the 100 bands with that name I’m sure.

Jared Woods February 2010: Felix Dennis Publishing, Out Of The Treee, Chile Earthquake
The 1st
Finally got my redundancy pay, which turned out to be a lot more than I expected. Not only could I catch up on rent, but I even bought my very own laptop guaranteeing a year of creativity without waiting half an hour boot-up time. I guess this is where 2010 started to treat me with love.

The 2nd
When you apply to a hundred jobs a week (exact amount), you end up going to countless and quite varied job interviews. The most exciting one I went to was held at a multi-million pound apartment. It had a jacuzzi on the balcony, a television bigger than my bedroom wall, a thumbprint reader instead of a front-door key, and various sized taxidermy all over the place. The worst interview was at a printing shop with 2 other employees who didn’t speak English properly, hidden away in a dark alley. I actually left that one before they said a word to me.
Regardless, by far the most standout was at Dennis Publishing. Not only were they rated in the Sunday Times Top 100 Best Places To Work two years in a row, but they also published my favourite magazine throughout my life until now: Bizarre Magazine. The interview itself was very interesting, covering my skills, beer, Family Guy, and concluded with the advice to never wear a tie in the building again. Needless to say, I was super keen.

The 3rd
I got the job and I was beyond stoked. I could’ve cried. Read about the exclusive company share holder here. He’s a legend.

The 4th
Juice 4: Out Of The Treee was launched to the public, despite already seen all around London by job recruiters. It was my flashy and yet crappy portfolio to aid my unemployment problem. By far the lamest Juice to this date, I fucking hate it now.
Somehow I managed to launch this hand in hand with that BAND vs. BAND THANG! blog. It was thoroughly enjoyed by all who participated, and probably not by anyone else.

The 8th
First day of work and I had jam on my trousers.

The 9th
9.02.10 day!

The 10th
Received an email from the ex-guitarist of Dry Kill Logic. He told me that he enjoyed my blog despite the insults towards his old band. Oops.

The 12th
Rockstars Fuck Eachother blog was launched to celebrate Valentines Day. Pretty lame in hindsight.

The 25th
Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland was released. It was the first 3D movie I’ve ever seen, and that was quite a trip. Oh, and it was also, by far, the worst Burton movie I’ve ever seen, the worst Depp movie I’ve ever seen, and the worst Alice in Wonderland movie I‘ve ever seen. It was a fail. One big fucking fail.

The 27th
An 8.8-magnitude earthquake shook up Chile, triggering a tsunami over the Pacific and killing 497 people. It was one of the largest in recorded history.

Jared Woods March 2010: Help Jared Woods Meet Lily Allen Cartoon, Lily Allen Tweets About Me, Formspring
The 3rd
10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter blog launched. One of my worst.

The 7th
Opened a formspring account with no idea how much time of the year I was going to spend on it. Nearly 300 questions answered already.

The 15th
Prophetically Tweeted “This time next week, I'll be famous.”

The 17th
Brand new Help Jared Woods Meet Lily Allen website was launched along with a cartoon. Got an amazing response and I felt quite chuffed with myself. I had no idea what was coming.

The 22nd
Arguably the most intense day of my life: Lily Allen Tweeted about my cartoon to her 3 million odd followers. I have spoken about this to death already, but it was as hectic as you could imagine. I received hundreds of messages, Tweets and Followers in just a few hours (most of which I lost very quickly). It was my 15 minutes, my first taste of fame, and it scared the living shit out of me. Some people are mean. A few times I started to doubt myself and freaked out regularly, but in hindsight, I had intentionally made contact with a celebrity using the internet and that’s pretty funny. My friends thought the whole thing was ace anyway.

The 26th
The 30 Best Band Names Ever blog launched. Generally underrated, I think it’s a thorough piece of writing.


Jared Woods April 2010: Met Pete Doherty, Just Bieber Tops the Charts and Eyjafjallajokull erupts
The 1st
Easter Eggs Up Your Ass blog launched for Easter. People liked it a lot, including me.
On the same day, a 16 year old Justin Bieber became the youngest solo male act to top the charts since Stevie Wonder in 1963. Love him or hate him, the biggest star of 2010, surely.

The 6th
Bumped into Pete Doherty at one of The Freewheelin’ Troubadour’s poetry gigs. I shook his hand and he was very tall. I didn’t freak out, which is good.

The 13th
After telling Fred Durst that his new album was going to fail via Twitter, he sent me a private message claiming that he loves failing. Yeah, I’m sure Fred.
Maybe because of this, a 6.9-magnitude earthquake occurs in Qinghai, China, killing at least 2,000.

The 14th
Volcanoes erupted beneath the Eyjafjallajökull ice cap in Iceland, and no news reporter could pronounce it’s name. This act from God destroyed many of my friend’s hopes of flying anywhere.
And then Peter Steele dies of heart failure, despite having enjoyed a more sober and healthier lifestyle in recent years. I lost my virginity to Type O Negative’s World Coming Down, so it is significant to me.

The 20th
The Deepwater Horizon oil platform explodes in the Gulf of Mexico. This results in that oil spill you heard about, one of the largest in history. It caused big trouble, was a very bad thing, and people were pissed off.

The 30th
The Top 20 Naughtiest Musicians, Ever blog was launched. It’s pretty much the best one I’ve ever written, if people are new to my writings then I point them to there. I’ve even found message boards where total strangers have posted it.
This day we also launched 2 Funpowder Plot videos (before it was called The Funpowder Plot) for the Doritos Kings of Ads competition. We didn’t win unfortunately, but it was the start of something or other.


Jared Woods May 2010: Janelle Monae The ArchAndroid, Picasso Nude Green Leaves Bust sold, Paul Gray dies
The 1st
Julie Moody makes Lily Allen a Birthday Video where I am featured at 3:29. Lily herself Tweeted about it, digging it obviously.

The 4th
Nude, Green Leaves and Bust by Pablo Picasso sells in New York for $106.5 million, setting another world record for an art piece sold at auction.

The 7th
Scientists announce that they have sequenced enough of the Neanderthal genome to suggest that Neanderthals and humans may have interbred. Aliens!

The 14th

Launched HelpJaredWoodsMeetLilyAllen.com The Movie. It got a great response, strangers blogged about it all over the webs, and it seriously helped change my status from “that weird stalker guy” to “that weird harmless stalker guy”. Made the project a load more bearable for me.

The 16th
Ronnie James Dio dies from stomach cancer.

The 18th
Janelle Monae - The ArchAndroid is released, my favourite album of the year.

The 20th
Me and my mates watched Neon Indian play at some small venue. Was a great gig with beautiful people, and we got well smashed on a week night.
Five paintings worth €100 million are stolen from the Musée d'Art Moderne de la Ville de Paris.

The 24th
Paul Gray from SlipKnot overdoses from pain-killers. I was quite saddened by this, as SlipKnot’s first album raised me (badly) through those horrible teenage years. They managed to keep 9 members together for so long, so it's a goddamn shame.

The 28th
And finally, Gary Coleman passes away after many years of physical complications, proving that rockstars do, in fact, die in threes.


Jared Woods June 2010: Met Lily Allen, Saw The Pixies, World Cup in South Africa
The 4th
Fulfilled a dream and saw The Pixies live. One of the best shows I have ever been to, possibly only second to Radiohead in 2009.

The 5th
Went to the Bizarre Ball, remember nothing.

The 11th
World Cup kickoff in SA, and we scored the first goal. I was homesick delux at that moment, the worst I have ever been. Then we kind of failed for the rest of the games, and I felt better again.

The 18th
Finally and epically: I met Lily Allen. The whole story can be read here. Looking back, it was a huge highlight of my life, something I can definitely be stoked about and will remember forever. And I never want to write about it again.
Right afterwards, I watched The Horrors for free as Kris was making a video of them. He has somehow lost it since.


Jared Woods July 2010: New Juice Nothing, Killed Art-Pulpitations, Inception was the best moive
The 1st
Brand New Juice Nothing is launched to a great response. I finally fell in love with the site like I always should have, as it now uses many different web techniques and neatly ties all my projects together. As time has passed, I can see many problems needing attention, but back then I was well impressed with myself.

The 4th

Went to Wireless Festival and watched Friendly Fires, Lily Allen and Jay-Z perform live. Jay-Z fucking owned, sickest shit. I also ate a hamburger I found on the ground when no one was looking. I'm also sick.

The 8th
Inception premièred, and it was the best movie I’ve seen for many many years.

The 9th
How To Get Away With Saying ANYTHING On The Internet blog was launched. All the right kind of people Liked it.

The 17th
My friends went to Lovebox Festival without me because I couldn't afford it. Once there, they decided that I needed to come anyway and bought me a ticket. That was possibly the phonecall of the year, totally put the Love into Lovebox. We saw Midnight Juggernauts, Yeasayer and Empire of the Sun; got really trashed; and my friends will fuck your friends up.

The 21st
I cut my hair into a more emo style. People thought I looked like a girl, but otherwise, good reviews.

The 26th
Pakistan floods Death toll reaches 2,000. Approximately one 5th of Pakistan's total land was underwater at a point

The 28th
I murdered Art-Pulpitations.
And then Ivy Bean (the oldest Twitter user) dies of, well, old age.

The 29th
Enter Russian wildfires, caused by a heat wave, destroying 2000 buildings. Death toll: 15,000.
Heavy monsoon rains cause problems in the Khyber-Pakhtunkhwa province of Pakistan. More than one million are homeless due to the flooding.


Jared Woods August 2010: Met Lizzie, Lisa Simpson nearly gets married, saw The Bloody Beetroots
The 1st
Lisa Simpson nearly gets married.

The 6th
We launch a video for False Flags called Soldiering On using no special post-effects. It was for a Pepsi competition and we didn’t win. Cool video though.

The 8th
My 2 years in London, no sweat. Just 3 more to go before I get my right to remain.

The 27th
Went to LED Festival Day 1 and got drunk. Hardly remember much, but did get to see The Bloody Beetroots which was a haziness of intensity.

The 28th
Despite everything that had already happened this year, this was one of the most stand-out days of 2010 for completely different reasons.
I went to LED Festival Day 2, mainly to watch Die Antwoord. When they came on to play, I bumped into an old girlfriend. This was the girlfriend I had come to London for in the first place, and we have since blocked each other from facebook, email and any other form of communication. Needless to say that the conversation was awkward and forced, but I still politely asked her to wait for me after the show so we could catch up.
Die Antwoord were amazing. Afterwards, the ex was nowhere in sight, and I was relieved. Just by bumping into her I realised that I had no feelings for her anymore and it was great closure.
Literally seconds after that happened, one of the most beautiful and crazy girls I had ever seen walked right up to me and introduced herself as Lizzie. The photo in the above image was taken just a few minutes after we met. I spent the rest of the year thinking of, writing to, or hanging out with this girl. She is my best friend, but we also do other stuff when we get drunk. One of the raddest humans I have ever met, hands-down.
Oh, that night I also watched The Aphex Twin. Die Antwoord joined him on stage for a few songs, it was special.


Jared Woods September 2010: Saw MGMT Live, was the first person to see Google Instant, Wes Borland Tweeted me
The 4th
My Google homepage changed to Google Instant for a few minutes, and then changed back. I was one of the first people to ever see it and nobody believed me.

The 8th
Google Instant launches to the world, and suddenly everyone believes me.

The 17th
Despite the faliure of the first one, I launched the 10 (more) People You Have To Follow On Twitter blog, and much like the first one, it was shit.

The 23rd
My Top 10 Formspring Questions blog was launched. It made people comment on my personal life more, but all in all, a somewhat self-gratifying and self-promoting piece of crap.

The 28th
Wes Borland from Limp Bizkit Tweets me, telling me that I can suck his dick if I want to.
 
Maybe because of this, seven people are reported to have been killed and around 100 are missing after a landslide in Oaxaca, Mexico.

The 30th

I saw MGMT live. It was quite chilled and the crowd (including my friends) were only interested in their old songs, which kind of dampened my experience. The new album is sick though.

Jared Woods October 2010: The Funpowder Plot launches, I get a tattoo from Scab, Alice Glass gives me Jack Daniels
The 14th
Got the outline of my first tattoo done by Scab. I am still beyond happy with it to this day, and I can’t wait to finish it as well as get more.

The 15th
The Funpowder Plot's official website was finally launched along with the Nitrous Of The Living Dead short. Everyone loved it almost as much as we did.
I then went and watched Crystal Castles at the Roundhouse. Total win, I touched Alice Glass’ bum and she poured Jack Daniels into my mouth.

The 16th
I turned 26 years of age alone on a train. I was bleak, but went to bed and woke up to much love from my awesome friends. I got more fucked than I dare to tell you here, and it was probably my best birthday ever.

The 17th
Researchers at CERN get hold of 38 antihydrogen atoms for a sixth of a second, marking it the first time in history that humans have trapped antimatter. Which also proves that I have no idea what antimatter really is.

The 22nd
The International Space Station surpasses the record for the longest continuous human occupation of space, having been inhabited since November 2, 2000 (3641 days).

The 25th
An earthquake and consequent tsunami off the coast of Sumatra, Indonesia, kills over 400 people and leave hundreds missing.

The 26th
Eruptions of Mount Merapi in Indonesia killed at least 240 people and forced hundreds of thousands of residents to evacuate. It’s still going.

The 29th
Until It Happens To You: My Paranormal Experiences blog launched for Halloween. Got multiple emails from people telling me that I ruined their weekend.


Jared Woods January 2010: Wriggles Dies, The Freewheelin Troubadour moves into East Village, Burj Khalifa get erected
The 5th
Freewheelin' In Monument Valley video launched with free eBook  through The Funpowder Plot.

The 13th
Daddy visits me in London, and we have a very special day where he bought me shoes and we got drunk. It was a long overdue catch up, and I was sad to see him go again. Love you Daddy :)

The 14th
Went and watched Die Antwoord for the second time that year. My glasses were smashed off my face by Ninja’s knee as he dived into the crowd. Epic.

The 17th
Jonathan Loose Agent23 van der Velden leaves for Austria. This makes the dynamic very different in The East Village, and The Funpowder Plot still feels the absence strongly. However, he will be back, and a crazy Australian by the name of Sutchy moved in his place. The madness continues at much the same pace.

The 22nd
After intense chemo and positive thinking, my Daddy’s latest tests report a complete negative for cancer. The most relieved I felt this year.

The 28th
Leslie Nielsen dies from pneumonia.


Jared Woods December 2010: Met Janelle Monae, Captain Beefheart Dies, Julian Assange goes to jail
The 2nd
The 20 Hottest Girls Ever (according to me) blog was launched. People were generally quite agreeable over it’s content, despite being a throwaway piece all together.

The 3rd
Went and watched Janelle Monae at Alexandra Palace, a show which also included Ratatat and Vampire Weekend
. Best venue ever, and I even managed to shake Janelle's hand as she stood in the VIP section. As I have already mentioned, my favourite artist of the year.

The 7th
Julian Assange is finally arrested over fake rape charges. The whole WikiLeaks ordeal will go down in history and hasn’t even begun yet - believe me.

The 17th
Captain Beefheart dies of complications involving multiple sclerosis. The world lost an artist in the purest sense of the word.

The 20th
The Funpowder Plot launches our video for David Lynch’s Good Day Today. It was our entry for a competition in hopes to become his official video and win some money, which we always want. Despite being our best work and having a great outside reaction, we didn’t make the finals, bummer. Apologies for the excess of promotion we put into this one too, I refuse to do that again.

The 22nd
Launched Jared Woods' Top 50 Essential 2010 Albums blog. Was the most strenuous one I have ever written, but the end result reflected the work that went into it. People really enjoyed it.

The 25th
Had just the kind of Christmas
without parental supervision you would imagine.

The 30th
Launched this very blog, and you read it.


And that is it 2010. That is all I have to say, thanks for your time. I won’t lie, this has been an emotional write for me, but looking back I think we can close this chapter as satisfied. I mean, just look at it: I wrote 16 blogs, saw 16 bands live, was a part of making 7 videos, made contact with 6 celebrities, relaunched 2 of my websites, made 2 brand new websites, landed the best job in the world, plus somehow got laid multiple times throughout. All things considered, you did well 2010. You did very well.

If I could ask just one more favour: please give a good word to 2011 for me. If it’s anything like you, we are going to have a good time.

I Love You And I Will Miss You,
Jared

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