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Originally Written: 04/03/10
Let me get this straight first. The only person you should actually be following on Twitter is me. Why you might ask? Well, because I have no friends and I am very lonely. I measure my self worth completely based on the internet, and with this in mind: check out my profile. Trust me, you'll love it, and you'll be sucking my dick in no time.
But believe it or not, this blog is not about me. It's about my frustration around the impossibility of finding any similar list on the net that is even remotely worthwhile. Because let's face it, the majority of people on Twitter (including the celebrities I thought were so interesting once upon a time) just talk a bunch of crap which is of no value to anyone. I don't care if you are going to Spain for your holiday or if you had a Mars Bar for lunch. I want to know who you are sleeping with or how many scars you have on your face.
So here is my definitive list of my top 10 favourite tweeters. I actually get excited when these people update themselves to the world, and that is saying a lot, because I fucking hate everything. Enjoy! <3
10. Michael Ian Black
Comedian
http://twitter.com/michaelianblack
1,561,415 Followers
I'll be honest, I didn't know about Michael before Twitter. Upon further research, he has done quite a lot including acting, writing and directing stuff. I follow quite a few comedians, some of whom are a lot more famous than Mr Black (Eddie Izzard, for example) but they aren't half as funny when updating their tweets. Go on then children, click click.
Recent Tweets:
Don't tell my wife what I got her Valentine's Day. (Hint: It's herpes.)
I wish I was John Mayer's penis.
"Everything I do, I do it for you." Even take a shit, Bryan Adams? Even take a SHIT?
09. Devvo
Internet Celebrity
http://twitter.com/Devvo2K10
115 Followers
Known for his chav videos on David Firth's Fat Pie website (David Firth being guy that made Salad Fingers, even though he has better stuff out there). Devvo isn't real, it's a fake persona, but this is Twitter, I have no proof any of you are real either. Devvo doesn't have many followers, which is a shame, because he is well funny.
Recent Tweets:
cocks n robbers, dirty nobbers. bashing down walls beatin up nannas. late 4 scool dunt 4get ur planners. Stew 4 tea
Cocks and fannies, mixed up grannies. Farmers on a diet raping riot
six pills in n youns cant see my teef
08. Undercover
Music News
http://twitter.com/Undercover
43,106 Followers
All your music news delivered straight to your Twitter feed. It was here that I originally heard that John Frusciante was leaving The Red Hot Chili Peppers and that Aerosmith were looking to replace Steve Tyler. Saves me time, saves me money, puts me first.
Recent Tweets:
Lady Gaga Talks Up Celibacy
John Lydon Attacks Arctic Monkeys
There is a lot more unreleased Jimi Hendrix to come
07. Secret Tweet
Anonymous Secrets
http://twitter.com/secrettweet
45,985 Followers
There is this website which I love pretty much more than anything called PostSecret. It's where everyday people like you and me (less me, more you) can send a postcard with our deepest secrets and darkest thoughts on them - and get it published. SecretTweet is the same deal, a website where you can express your vibe anonymously and possibly get it onto their Twitter page. More than anything I realised that my secrets are a lot more hardcore than other people.
Recent Tweets:
64365 Sometimes I wait until 10 minutes before my husband gets home to start cleaning, then run around like I was busy all day.
64363 You're scum of the Earth for going on vacation with your friends while I got rid of our "little problem".
63626 Just learned son may not be mine. Thinking of getting paternity test, staying, and holding it over her head for the rest of our lives
06. Ivy Bean
The Oldest Person On Twitter
http://twitter.com/IvyBean104
54,906 Followers
Amongst all the chaos, this tweeter brings me back to earth. This lady is 102 years old and yet is part of the digital revolution, despite being the age of 42 when the first computer was invented. Her mind is still definitely there as she answers people's tweets constantly and comes across as the sweetest old lady, just like any granny should.
Recent Tweets:
i did, i had pancakes with with jam on they were lovely
hello every body are you well today
its time for me to say good night but i would just like to wish you all a lovely weekend and hope you all have a fantastic valentines day xx
05. Dinner Guest
Fictional Serial Murderer
http://twitter.com/dinner_guest
351 Followers
This is just a great idea I wish I had thought of. An artist made this fictional account, the tweets of a serial murderer who loves to give horrific details of his after-hour activities. For a little bit of time there, the internet began to worry that it was real, and conversations started to spring up everywhere about it. Very quickly out of fear of being arrested, the writer came clean and announced it wasn't real. Still, I got to give respect to something like this.
Recent Tweets:
flies had laid eggs on him because he was a mess with them, even under the skin. I slit his thoat with a bread knife, watched him convulse
i am going to try and keep this one alive for as long as possible. i just get so damn excited ha
caught another one last night, it was easier than i expected. My legs were burning after the chase it was thrilling
04. Pimp Bill Clinton
Former President Of The United States
http://twitter.com/PimpBillClinton
3,620 Followers
I like to believe this is the real Bill Clinton, tweeting about his very active sex life for the world to enjoy. I mean, it's got to be him, right? Because only the genuine Mr. Clinton would have so much to say about his penis. Believe me, I know. Not for the easily offended, but perfect for the immature and perverted, just like me.
Recent Tweets:
I call my penis Dog the Bounty Hunter because it'll beat you up at first but it gets all soft on the car ride home.
They say my eating habits are affecting my heart. Who knew vaginas were high in cholesterol?
Today's genius economic stimulus idea: Scratch n' Sniff porn. You're welcome, America.
03. Shit My Dad Says
A 74 Year Old Dad Who Says Funny Shit
http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays
1,204,576 Followers
Chances are you have heard of this one. This is the account of a son who has a Dad who says funny shit, as the title might have already given away. And they have got pretty famous just from Twitter alone. How famous you ask? Famous enough to have over a million followers for one. Oh, and maybe I should mention that a sitcom starring William Shatner is on it's way based on this very account, produced by the guys who gave us Will & Grace. So yeah, pretty fucking famous.
Recent Tweets:
"There's a word for people like that...No, I'm saying, there's a word and I don't know what it is. I'm not being fucking poetic."
"Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a fucking parade every time i take a piss."
"I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more."
02. Sleep Talkin' Man
A Guy Who Talks In His Sleep
http://twitter.com/SleepTalkinMan
17,949 Followers
This account is also pretty popular, but I was surprised at how few followers it actually has. This is arbitrary gold: a wife with a sense of humour decided not to divorce her partner that wouldn't shut up in his sleep, but instead opened an account where she keeps record of all his randomness. Personally, I would hate for someone to do this to me, probably because I normally talk about murder and anal sex whilst I'm sleeping. But I am grateful that this account exists, and they even have a blog where you can hear sound samples and buy t-shirts. Sure, make money while you sleep why don't you.
Recent Tweets:
"They're guinea pig kisses. Weeweeweeweeweeweewee in my ear! Eat the fuckers. They're tastier that way."
"If you weren't such a fucking prick, you'd be a decent person."
"Why don't you stand in fuck-up corner. You can stay there 'til, I don't know, I-don't-give-a-shit-about-you 'o clock."
01. Jesus M Christ
The Prophet Has Returned, Repent
http://twitter.com/Jesus_M_Christ
12,250 Followers
Yup yup, number 1 could only be Jesus of course. Blasphemy at it's very best. More than anything, I think it begs and interesting question: if Jesus was amongst us now, would he have a twitter account? And if he did, I hope he would be just like this guy, because I am only willing to worship something that makes me piss myself laughing.
Recent Tweets:
Nietzsche was half right. God isn't dead, he's dead sexy.
Don't ask me to bang you if it's tampon time. That's a job for Moses.
Ladies, holla if you wanna put the "HO" in JeHOvah tonight.
Originally Written: 12/02/10
The only creature I ever loved was a kangaroo.
We didn't fuck though.
You know, for the first time in 3 years, I am going to be single on Valentines Day. The idea used to freak me out, but I'm chilling. I have come to realise that I know fuckall about love, I'm not even sure I have ever really experienced it, and for that reason I don't feel it is right to even attempt to fulfill that part of anyones life. Unless you really love me, are extremely hot and are willing to be ignored right up until bed-time - in which case: call me, honey ;)
So instead of trying to tell you what I think about love and lust and obsession and the celebration of Valentines day in general, I figured I'd cop-out and fall back on music again.
Here are 5 of my favourite rockstar encounters, chosen specifically because you probably didn't even know about them. And Happy Valentines day to you all - enjoy your love or your lack-of, wear a condom, or don't, and send me naked photos of yourself because I am a naughty little boy and I want to see your bits 'n pieces.
05. Iggy Pop & Nico
Nico has been around. If she was in your circle of friends, she might be called a skank. But the dick she has had inside of her is of such a royal rockstar calibre, we can just call her awesome. Because Nico is fucking awesome. She has had the cock's of such legendary figures poking around her insides from the likes of Bob Dylan, Brian Jones of The Rolling Stones, Jim Morrison of The Doors, Tim Buckley, Lou Reed of The Velvet Underground, and she was the most famous of Andy Warhol's Chelsea Girls. So I'm sure they did it too.
So why do I choose Iggy Pop in particular as her most interesting encounter? Well, why the hell are you asking me questions? Or did I just ask myself that question? Fuck, I think I did. Anyways, there is a reason, and it goes a little something like this:
In 1969 Iggy and Nico met. It wasn't the first time, but it was the only time Nico followed Iggy back to Michigan to live with him. May I remind you that at this point Mr Pop wasn't doing car insurance commercials, but in fact The Stooges had just released their debut album which has been pretty much the blue-print for punk-rock since then. So he was hot shit even if critics weren't agreeing, and Nico was probably in love or on drugs or something.
Enter François de Menil, a friend of Warhol and totally obsessed with Nico. He wanted to make a film with her in it, and she agreed just so long as long he included Iggy and her move in his plans. Reportedly, he was quite jealous of their relationship, and got his revenge by setting up a scene where the two frolicked among mannequins in a ploughed potato field. Iggy's face was painted in the style of a white mime, and apparently neither of them were happy with the result.
Wanna see it? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhFkLMiKtx0
They broke up pretty soon afterwards.
04. Jim Morrison & Janis Joplin
These are two members of the very exclusive 27 club, which is artists who died at the tender age of 27. So it's only fitting that these two pioneers of 60's subculture would eventually hook-up, right? Nope. You are totally wrong. Ignore the misleading title of this blog, these two have never had sex, been in a relationship or even kissed each other.
But there was an encounter. And this story has been told so many times that the facts have been distorted beyond complete recognition. But for the sake of entertaining you (and just you, baby) I will give you the sensationalized version.
Andy Warhol had a little get together in Santa Monica, with the who's who of cool including the likes of Sharon Tate and Tiny Tim. Mr Morrison (the lead singer of The Doors if you are a fucking idiot) and Ms. Joplin were there, which is good because this wouldn't be much of a story if they weren't. Jim was introduced to Janis, and they felt a mutual attraction to each other because they were both famous and loved to fuck. Joplin being the awkward creature she was ended up blurting a bunch of stuff about her troubled childhood, and Morrison being the gentle Lizard-King he was, listened.
They shared some stories, shared some alcohol, shared some pills and really started to get talking. But Jim was a messy drunk, and started to get loud which put Janis off. To rectify this, Morrison decided to grab the back of her head and shove it into his crotch. Because, you know, that's the kind of thing he did. She didn't dig it so much though, and she slapped him in his face, called him an asshole and left the party. Apparently it kind of killed the mood in the entire room, but Jim loved violence and was even more attracted to one of the few girls who had ever pushed him away. Which I guess we all do from time to time.
So he stumbled after her. By the time he caught up, she was already in her station wagon. He lent down to the window to apologise, Janis opened it and gracefully smashed her bottle of Southern Comfort over his head. Then she drove away, and he was out cold on the side of the road.
When Jim Morrison finally came to, he was even more in love than ever and tried really hard to get hold of her. Janis was not even remotely interested and apparently this crushed Morrison's heart. Ag shampies. I think we can all learn something here though. If you like a girl, don't forcefully shove her head into your crotch, right? I knew that already.
03. Eminem & Mariah Carey:
There is a good chance you knew about this one, but among all the other entries, it's good to have one that actually happened in the last year. And above all else, it's a fucking great story if there ever was one.
I could go into massive detail, but I would much rather let these two speak for themselves, wouldn't you?
It all began with Eminem's 2009 album Relapse, on a song called Bagpipes From Baghdad, which is a shit song on my taste buds. Nevertheless, he had some interesting things to say about Mariah, stuff like the two of them drinking red wine all day without eating. He then asks her why they broke up and saying he wants her back. He then warns her husband Nick Cannon to back the fuck up and describes Mariah's Hello Kitty bed spread. Then he kind of loses it, calls her a fucking whore and then talks about rubbing his scrotum on the tits of a pair of conjoined twins. So you say you're sober now my boy?
Anyways, Nick Cannon threw a fit and then Mariah hit back with my favourite song of her's ever: Obsessed. You've heard it. She really rips at him, saying she has no idea who he is, but he does too much drugs. She then goes on to ask (sing along now) why is he so obsessed with her? My favourite lyric is: "You're a mom and a pop, I'm a corporation, I'm the press conference, you're a conversation". That's genius, and for a second, I believed her over Eminem.
But, of course, Slim Shady is the illest white boy ever, and dissing people is a big part of the rap game. In summary, don't fuck with him. His response was the final say on the matter as I doubt Mariah would dare respond to this. He released an internet only song called The Warning, and it's one of my favourite of Em's tracks. He says so many things it's hard not to post all the lyrics right here, but some of the highlights include his claims that he has pictures of her and how he fucked her and then came to soon on her stomach, which apparently miffed her out a bit. He then calls her an alcoholic and warns her to leave it alone now. But the cherry on top comes when the song actually uses samples of Mariah's voice which Eminem obviously had in his possession.
I find the whole thing inspirational, so much so that I actually was listening to this song when I decided to do a similar thing to someone I know. It didn't go down so well.
Whatever, I highly recommend you check this all out, and because I am a nice guy, here are links to the songs and the lyrics of all the above mentioned tracks. Enjoy!
Bagpipes From Baghdad - Eminem
The Song
Lyrics
Obsessed - Mariah Carey
The Song
Lyrics
The Warning - Eminem
The Song
Lyrics
02. Madonna & Vanilla Ice
Madonna's CV is astounding. According to The BillBoard Top 100 All-Time Artists, she is only behind The Beatles, making her their greatest solo artist in history. She is also the world's highest earning female singer on our beautiful planet, and her 2008 Sticky & Sweet Tour became the highest grossing concert tour by a solo artist ever. She is a master of reinvention and has caused more controversy than any other female artist I can think of.
And then there is Rob Van Winkle AKA Vanilla Ice. He had one hit song Ice Ice Baby. It charted well, and then he got sued because he stole the bass-line from Under Pressure by David Bowie and Queen. Then, according to Rob, Suge Knight showed up at his house and then dangled him off of his balcony by his ankles until he signed papers claiming that Knight had written the song. How much money Vanilla Ice even gets off this song can't be much.
So how the fuck did the two of these people... fuck? Dude, I don't know, but they even dated for eight months (definitely the eight months Vanilla Ice was cool). They apparently had a bad break up. Vanilla Ice dished a bunch of dirt on her that she would call him at weird hours of the morning to check thathe wasn't sleeping with anyone else. He even went so far to say that it was the biggest regret in his life (Really? Even more than stealing "Under Pressure", Rob??) but was nice enough to say that she did have a nice body "for her age".
Madonna didn't comment much, she was probably too busy making money.
The real kicker comes when you actually look at photos of the two of them fucking from Madonna's book Sex. This was long before Pam And Tommy, Paris and Whoever-That-Guy-Was. And they did it on purpose. That's the shit I live for.
01. David Bowie & Mick Jagger
Boys fuck boys all the time these days, it's a hip thing to do. I've never done it myself, but I would totally fuck Bowie or Jagger even if they are a hundred years old and probably have herpies.
Regardless, something like this is pretty epic. In 1985 these two upstanding gentleman got together and recorded a cover of the Motown classic Dancing in the Street. It is just about the worst song in either of these guys' catalogue. But that is not all that happened, according to Angie, Bowie's first wife.
In her autobiography Backstage Pass, she says caught Bowie with many men in their time together, but when she found these two rockstars naked in her bed, it was her first time. She claims it was weird, but never really thought twice about it. Jagger had his own bed just down the road and Bowie was known to put his dick into pretty much anything, so in her mind it was obvious that shit went down. She then offered them both coffee and they said they did, in fact, want some.
(On a side note, Jagger wrote the song Angie about his love affair with the lady in question, so basically, everyone had sex in this story.)
After the divorce, Angie was forced under law to keep her mouth shut about the relationship for 10 years. Once the time was up, she spilled her guts and the press had a field day. Jagger was quick to deny the rumours and Bowie refused to answer any questions about it. And who could blame them? If this is true, it could seriously damage their reputations. But just by watching this video it's pretty easy to imagine Bowie sucking Jagger's penis. Go ahead. Think about that for a while. I am.
<insert clever conclusion here>
