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Tuesday, 30 December 2014

Dear 2014,


Fuck me, let's be honest with each other, man (or woman or whatever). Things weren't exactly "peachy" between us, were they? Lol, no, far from it, perhaps even as far away from "peachy" as one can get, kinda like a bunch of bacteria-ridden earthworms breeding and feasting at the core of my happiness-intestines, discovering warmth in my brain, scraping an endless list of factors onto my skull as to why death would be an easier option over hanging out with you anymore. Dramatic words, yes, but dramatic words were the least of my concerns.

I acknowledge that we both saw it coming. Your predecessor, 2013, left behind quite a messy plate of dirt for us both to endure, didn't he? The residue of misery beneath our feet within our initial steps, and I was slipping face first into the shit before you and I had even met. For this reason, I know I can't blame you exclusively for stuff like, say, when in November 2013 my long term girlfriend swallowed my heart and regurgitated my love into another man's mouth like a starving infant hatchling. I can't criticise you for friends who stole my money, or how my social life had crumbled into large stone carvings with their backs to me, blocking any path of progression I was once so sure of. I can point many fingers at last year for our disastrous first impressions, and I apologise for not being on my best behaviour, but in my defence I was busy searching for any piece of any puzzle to somehow reconstruct the image I once knew I was. I can be logical in hindsight, and my rational mind can ration the blame between all of us, but my heart ... well, my heart had a new shade of darkness and hatred spewing forth, and you became the enemy for far too long.

Let's set the stage from where 2013 ended and you began. I was living in a house affectionately dubbed Lollywood, and it was a dark nightmare haunted by memories of a love once had, aggravated by the matter that said love still lived there with me. And as my lonely depression grew, my attention to any sort of healthy social life began to wither from my sobs of help. As a result, I lost many friends throughout your time, each one of them severing a piece of me as they left, and you knew this. You never listened and you never agreed with me and I hated you. You nearly killed me, 2014. Only you and I know the extent of this.

But this is not an attack on you—you are just a set of time, after all. I'm not even sure you can hear me. However, on the off chance you can, I want you to know that I write this from a place of peace. It took almost your whole lifespan to get there, but we made amends, and I leave you with the relief of a well-needed happiness and gratitude, only now able to see what you did. You threw me in the deep end to test me, and I passed, because I graded myself. You taught me to be harder. You chalked up arrows pointing towards the people overflowing with poison and who, in turn, were infecting me, morphing my insides into one of them. You and me began to bond over the lessons I could only appreciate from the bottom of the sorrow pit, and by helping me rise, I will always remember you for more than just your teachings. After all, I still worked at the best job I've ever had, and my importance grew quite substantially within the company thanks to you. I still had a few diamonds disguised in the dust of other "friends", and their priceless value became more apparent now than ever. And besides everything else, we were a great creative team, 2014, even during our tension, weren't we? Hell, we wrote a book, remember? Which I am sure 2015 will adore getting the credit for (I'm sorry).

And so please allow me to get into the core of this letter—the type of letter I didn't think I would manage merely months ago. As per usual, I have gone into far too much detail, not only focusing on our relationship, but absolutely everything you did, good or bad, leaving no rock unturned (except for limiting how much time I spend talking about Tinder, the excessive flood of selfies, the hipster beard trend, or my insane obsession with feminism which lived and died within you). And when you read the following entries, I think you can be proud of yourself for the most part, 2014. You were as newsworthy as any.

Alright, rushed as fuck but from the heart, starting with January, this is all of it, complete with a nifty little key system to aid anyone who wishes to skim only what's important to them. As follows:

ICON DECSCRIPTION
Personal stuff that relates to me.
Notable people who have died.
General news.
Some big event.
Natural disasters.
Internet related news.
Music related news.
Film/TV related news.
Science related news.
Award ceremonies.
Gigs I went to.
Books I read.
Blogs I wrote/Juice Nothing related news.
Music I made/Coming Down Happy related news.
Videos we made/The Funpowder Plot related news.
Dennis Publishing (my job) related news.
My tweets which I am the most proud of.


Dear 2014, January: James Avery Philip Banks dies; Lola the Cat moves into Lollywood, Juice Nothing blog reaches 250,000 hits; The first recreational marijuana shops open in Colorado; Colonel Meow dies.

01 Jan
After buying tickets to a rad party with all my mates, I was horrified to discover The Ex snuck in to the same venue. So I left in a huff and joined up with two other friends at a relatively quiet pub. So it wasn't exactly the blow out I had anticipated, but on the upside, I went to bed sober at a relatively decent hour, miserable, depressed, lonely. Which in hindsight, kinda sums up the whole year, really.
This is also when I started my attempt at Dry January.
The first recreational marijuana shops in Colorado, and by extension the United States, opened their doors.
Latvia officially adopts the Euro as its currency and becomes the 18th member of the Eurozone.
It was announced today that James Avery (best known as the dad from Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Philip Banks, as well as the voice for Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) died at age 68 from open heart surgery complications. Shit start to the year.

02 Jan
Despite existing since 2012, today the Facebook page Neknominate was created, and the viral drinking game was invented. At least five people died and others complained, but I personally thought it was very original and one of the more memorable internet sensations from the year.
And here I begin with my standard narcissistic Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 thing, where I let you know which 50 of my 2014 Tweets I am most happy with, aren't you so lucky. #Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (1/50): People who say I'm full of shit have no idea how fast my metabolism is.

03 Jan
Phil Everly of the Everly Brothers dies sixteen days prior to his 75th birthday, from chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (a combination of emphysema and bronchitis) brought on by a lifetime of smoking.

06 Jan
Kanye West's lawyers send creators of Coinye (a Bitcoin type currency) a cease and desist on the basis of trademark infringement. The project was abandoned soon afterwards.
Fleetwood Mac's Rumours becomes the first album I fully heart on Last.FM. These things mean stuff to me.

08 Jan
Today it was confirmed that Outkast would reunite after eight years to headline Coachella later in the year. A few days later, it was announced the duo would perform at more than 40 festivals throughout the year to celebrate their 20th anniversary. New music any time soon tho?

10 Jan
Here it was stated that the North Carolina detective who shot a schizophrenic 18-year-old was justified, because he believed another officer's life was in danger. Of course, many people (including the victim's family) weren't too happy about this.

12 Jan
The 71st Golden Globe Awards took place, dominated by 12 Years a Slave (with seven nominations); American Hustle (with three wins); and Dallas Buyers Club (with three wins).

While we're on the topic of Dallas Buyers Club, I'd like to dedicate some space to Matthew McConaughey, who won the Academy Award for Best Actor due to this very role. The way he broke out of his shirtless romantic comedy shell in recent years and has gone on to star in such unforgettable Hollywood gold (Mud, The Wolf of Wall Street, this year's Interstellar, this year's HBO series True Detective, etc) really proved the man as one solid talent who came out of nowhere and took me by total surprise. As far as actors go, nobody has impressed me as much as this guy in 2014.

13 Jan
Oasis finally arrive on Spotify!

14 Jan
Johnnie Mae Young was a pioneer of professional female wrestling, winning multiple titles, awards, and holding the distinction of being the only professional wrestler to wrestle matches in nine different numerical decades, having her first in 1939 and her last match in 2010. WWE announced her death on this day, at age 90.

15 Jan
Roger Lloyd-Pack was an English actor, known for his roles in Only Fools and Horses, The Vicar of Dibley and The Old Guys, as well as an appearance in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Today he died from pancreatic cancer at age 69.

16 Jan
Finished reading Ask and it is Given by Abraham Hicks, for the third time. It is the LOA bible, and definitely helped me move my life along a little bit.
Ruth Duccini was the penultimate surviving Munchkin from the 1939 film The Wizard of Oz, as well as the last surviving female. After receiving a Hollywood Walk of Fame (2007) and attending the film's 75th anniversary premiere, she eventually passed on this date at age 95 from natural causes. This leaves only Jerry Maren now.
Russell David Johnson was an American actor, best known as The Professor from Gilligan's Island and two episodes of The Twilight Zone. He died from kidney failure today, aged 89.

18 Jan
After watching Wolf of Wall Street, I realised my life was not about sobriety, and I promptly broke Dry January on this day without a sliver of shame or regret.

20 Jan
The Lollywood house introduces its newest member: Lola the cat! Yay!
James "Jim" Jacks was an American film producer of several blockbuster films (Dazed and Confused, Mallrats, Michael, all the Mummys, all Scorpion Kings etc) and he died today of a heart attack, at 66.

22 Jan
First Juice Nothing article of the year, namely The 15 Greatest 'Fuck You's In Music. 75% happy with it.

23 Jan
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (2/50): Yo mama so ugly that Google Street View didn't blur out her features because it couldn't recognise her face as a face.

24 Jan
Went back to a girl's house and fucked her, my meaningless rebound finally arriving, thank God.

25 Jan
After making sexy time the night before, I went on a date with a completely different girl today, yet another step in my shameless attempt at drowning out all thoughts of what's-her-face.
The “This Could Be Us But You Playing” meme consists of various awkward or gross-out relationship type images, used in ironic and fucking hilarious ways to illustrate the main title. On this day, the related Facebook page was created. Tragically unknown for such an original idea.

26 Jan
After making sexy time two nights before, and going on a date with a completely different girl the night before, I went on yet another date with yet another completely different girl on this day. I was quite proud of myself, and definitely didn't think about The Ex the whole time.
56th Annual Grammy Awards. Most nominations went to Jay-Z (9), Justin Timberlake, Kendrick Lamar, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, and Pharrell Williams (all with 7). Daft Punk won five awards including Album of the Year and Record of the Year, while Macklemore & Ryan Lewis won four. I'm happy with all of this really.

27 Jan
Pete Seeger was an American folk singer and activist who wrote countless songs, many of which have been recorded by other artists within and outside of the folk movement. Today, he died peacefully in is sleep, at the age of 94. Response was quick to pour in, celebrities such as Barack Obama, Billy Bragg, and Bruce Springsteen publicly expressing their respect for the man. RIP.

28 Jan
Juice Nothing blog reaches 250,000 hits! Look at me now!
On this day I received a nasty anonymous email stating the following:
Hi jared just thought you should know that [The Ex] and [supposed friend] slept together when you and her were starting to hook up, they and [other friend] had a threesome.... they kept it secret from you ever since
That really hurt me, and even reading back on it now, still kinda stings. As it turns out, it was mostly true too, the whole three year relationship built on one big fat fucking lie. Oh 2014, you sneaky bugger.
Mötley Crüe sign a "Cessation of Tour" agreement, forcing them to retire the name after a final 2015 world tour, whether they want to or not.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (3/50): Weekend Warrior, Weekday Worrier.

29 Jan
Finally managed to release the last song of Coming Down Happy's The Black EP, titled Oh My God, Amen. A lot of people told me it was their favourite so far, including myself. I told me that too.
Colonel Meow was a male Himalayan–Persian crossbreed, who holds the 2014 Guinness world record for longest fur on a cat (nine inches). He was also somewhat of an internet celebrity. After undergoing a difficult heart surgery, he died today :(

31 Jan
Look ma, I'm a model! Today I became one of the faces for Bizarre Magazine's official dating website, Savage Hearts (refresh a few times for full experience).
Anna Gordy Gaye was an American businesswoman, composer and songwriter, best known as the first wife of Marvin Gaye and the main inspiration for his most scathing album Here, My Dear. She died today at the age of 92, following many years of declining health

Dear 2014, February: Little Sister gets married; Philip Seymour Hoffman dies; 2014 Winter Olympics; Ukrainian Revolution; Fuck Her Right In The Pussy meme

01 Feb
Packed my bags and left for South Africa! I ended up going to the wrong airport, but with a bit of money, that didn't matter and I arrived safely, the well needed holiday which saved the year for me. Highlights were plentiful but more than anything it was about bonding with family and reconnecting with old friends, as well as enjoying the generous exchange rate that fooled everyone into thinking I was super rich.

02 Feb
Philip Seymour Hoffman was an American actor and director, hugely acclaimed to the point of Time calling him "perhaps the most ambitious and widely admired American actor of his generation". He won an Academy Award for Best Actor, was nominated for three others, and was pretty much adored by everyone. Unfortunately, he died on this day at the age of 46 from an overdose including heroin, cocaine, benzodiazepines and amphetamine. Such a tragedy this one.
Soprano Renée Fleming makes history as the first opera singer to perform the National Anthem at the Super Bowl. Bruno Mars performed during half time, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers (controversially) played their show without even plugging their instruments in, an obvious statement against the Super Bowel's policy of live instrumentation.

05 Feb
Nine years after a Denmark man lost his left hand, electrodes surgically implanted into his nerves and connected to a prosthetic hand allowed him to feel once again. This marks the first time sensory feedback has been restored to an amputee.

07 Feb
From now until the 23rd, the 2014 Winter Olympics were held in Sochi, Russia. A total of 98 events in 15 winter sport disciplines were held during the Games. A number of new competitions were held during the Games, including biathlon mixed relay, women's ski jumping, mixed-team figure skating, mixed-team luge, half-pipe skiing, ski and snowboard slopestyle, and snowboard parallel slalom. While originally budgeted at US$12 billion, various factors caused the budget to expand to over US$51 billion, surpassing the estimated $44 billion cost of the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing as the most expensive Olympics in history.

08 Feb
On this day, my little sister got married. It was one of the most epic events I have ever witnessed with my teary eyes, overflowing with love and just mad awesomeness, without a doubt the most fun and best day I had this entire year. I wish I could express how incredible this day was in words, but any attempts would detract from something so indescribable. It was literally my saving grace in a year otherwise void of any worthwhile joy.
On this night, I also hooked up with a girl who became a huge fixture of my 2014, but a little bit more on her later.
Dutch politician Else "Els" Borst-Eilers died on this day at the age of 81, her body found two days later. The death is being treated as a homicide.

09 Feb
Marius was a young male giraffe living at Copenhagen Zoo, and despite being healthy, was considered genetically unsuitable for future breeding. Various offers and online petitions tried to save him, but it fell on deaf ears, as zoo authorities killed him on this day, then dissected him in public, feeding parts of him to other animals. The world was pissed off and the zoo staff even received death threats for the incident.

12 Feb
A French court awarded five Michael Jackson fans one euro each in damages after they claimed they had been left devastated by the singer's death, lol.
Isaac Sidney "Sid" Caesar was an American comic actor and writer, best known for the pioneering 1950s live television series Your Show of Shows, a 90-minute weekly show watched by 60 million people. He also played Coach Calhoun in Grease (1978) and appeared in many other films and television programs. Honored in numerous ways over 60 years, he was nominated for 11 Emmy Awards, winning twice. He died today at the age of 91, after a short illness.

13 Feb
Belgium becomes the first country in the world to legalise euthanasia for terminally ill patients of any age. Future!
Despite being proven a hoax and having previous examples, today YouTuber John Cain uploaded a video where a man interrupts a reporter with the phrase “Fuck her right in the pussy!”, which gained 2.4 million views in four months. However, it was one of those cases where life imitated art, and various people followed suit, the fuck her right in the pussy meme born and still running strong to this day.
Marty Thau was an American rock 'n' roll entrepreneur and music producer, best known as the founder of Red Star Records, the manager of the New York Dolls, and the co-producer of Suicide's classic self-titled debut album. He also worked with The Ramones and Blondie in his time. He died today due to complications from renal failure, aged 75.

14 Feb
Spent the best Valentines Day ever at my Dad's holiday house in Fisherhaven, with the girl I hooked up with at my sister's wedding. Was magical level one million.
Now, here's the thing. Usually when it comes to these "Dear" blogs, I speak without censorship, no holds barred for reasons of my own references and unashamedly laying my life open for the world to poke around in. But when it comes to this girl, I have had a difficult time on deciding how to approach the topic. Our relationship was rife with issues to begin with which continued throughout, including the fact that she is part of my family (by means of marriage, nothing illegal or gross or anything), and this is definitely the type of factor which caused rifts between me and certain siblings, generating various complications in many other areas of my life which I will only briefly touch on as this article continues.
So what I have decided to do is dedicate this day and this day only to really delve into who she was. For the most part, she was incredible, a real joy, and as far as one single individual goes, was arguably the largest influence on my year out of everyone else. There were ups and downs which you will pick up on if you pay attention, but due to the mess our antics caused for various people, I have had to step back and evaluate as to what extent talking about it would affect my family relations. How worth it would it be? Not very worth it, which is why minimal details associated with this part of my year shall only be lightly revealed, known thus forward as The New Girl Sagas
But what I will say in context of this day and many other days, is that I do not regret going for it. And if you, pretty girl, are reading this, I want you to know that I miss you every day. The time we spent together was so valuable to me and I will never forget that. For what it was worth, I regret the fact that I wasn't in the best place to give you everything you deserved, and at the same time, I realise a lot of what you did was probably for your similar reasons. But now I look back at what we were with such fondness, and despite everything I hope one day you realise how special you are and how much you have to offer. I wish things had turned out differently, I really do. And above all else, I thank you, because you may have actually saved my life this year, you have no idea.
So much love for your face, dude. Seriously.
John Henson was the son of puppeteer Jim Henson (creator of the Muppets). He died today at the age of 48 from a heart attack whilst building an igloo with his daughter. Pretty shit.
Ellen Page comes out as a lesbo, which sucks, because I had this dream.

15 Feb
James "Jamie" Coots was a Pentecostal pastor in Kentucky who was known to practice snake handling. A rattlesnake bit him during a service at his Full Gospel Tabernacle in Jesus Name church in Middlesboro, but he refused medical treatment for religious reasons. Dumbass died at home not long after, at age 42.

17 Feb
Robert Edward "Bob" Casale Jr. was best known as the guitarist and keyboardist in the new wave band Devo. He also wrote music for TV and movies, including Four Rooms, Happy Gilmore, Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums, and Rugrats Go Wild. He died today of heart failure, aged 61.

18 Feb
Nelson Frazier, Jr. was an American professional wrestler, known for his WWF/WWE stints under the names Mabel, Viscera and Big Daddy V. As Mabel, he won the WWF World Tag Team Championship once as half of Men on a Mission, as well as becoming the 1995 King of the Ring champion. All totalled, Frazier won ten championships in various promotions, but eventually lost at life from a heart attack, four days after turning 43.
Maria Agatha Franziska Gobertina von Trapp was a member of the Trapp Family Singers, whose lives inspired the musical and film The Sound of Music. She died at age 99, the last surviving sibling portrayed in the film

19 Feb
Back in London, and I want to give a quick shout out to my brother, Gareth, who totally became my main man during the trip. I appreciate all the time we spent together, and I love you boet, you are never far from my mind.
Facebook buy WhatsApp for US$19 billion
2014 BRIT Awards today. Ellie Goulding leads with five nominations, Arctic Monkeys and One Direction both win two awards each, and zzzzzzz.

21 Feb
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (4/50): 1 + 1 < 3

22 Feb
After days of civil unrest which left around 100 people dead, the Ukrainian parliament voted to remove President Viktor Yanukovych from office, replacing him with Oleksandr Turchynov.

23 Feb
Mike Russell Parker was a British-born American typographer and type designer, becoming the director of Linotype Company. Under his leadership over 1,000 typefaces (incl. Helvetica), were added to the library making them available wherever Linotype equipment was in use, resulting in a library that became the standard of the industry. Anyway, he died today at age 84.

24 Feb
Harold Allen Ramis was an American actor, director, and writer specialising in comedy, known for his work on Ghostbusters, Caddyshack, National Lampoon's Vacation, Groundhog Day, and Analyze This. In May 2010, he contracted an infection that resulted in complications from autoimmune inflammatory vasculitis and lost the ability to walk. After relearning to walk he suffered a relapse of the disease in late 2011, and died from it today at the age of 69.

25 Feb
Today Tim Lambesis (lead vocalist of As I Lay Dying) pleaded guilty for attempting to hire a hitman to murder his wife, and was sentenced to six years in prison.

27 Feb
Released Coming Down Happy's The Grey Lp which was basically a Spotify exclusive compilation of all my EPs and singles up to this point. Listen to it please, I get money if you do.
First of only two 2014 Funpowder Plot videos, was Putin Wins Olympic Gold, a motion design piece by Kris. It's only 22 seconds long, so watch it.
Aaron Dale Allston was a pioneering American game designer and author of many science fiction books, mostly Star Wars related stuff. He collapsed during an appearance at VisionCon in Branson, Missouri, from heart failure and died later that day at the age of 53.
Tim Kehoe was the inventor of non-staining colored bubbles, Zubbles, which took him more than 14 years to develop. He died today at age 43, unrelated to the bubbles.

Misc.
I didn't really understand this (or didn't really care to read it properly), but something about unmarked armed forces taking over the Crimean Peninsula in Ukraine following the events of the 2014 Ukrainian Revolution. People theorised they were Russian, but Russia insisted they weren't, until Vladimir Putin admitted they were. It was all over the news, but far too political for me to focus on, sorry.

Dear 2014, March: Ellen takes that Oscar selfie; Ebola outbreak; No Make Up Selfie; Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 disappears; Candy Crush listed at $7.6 billion.

01 March
The 34th Golden Raspberry Awards (the award ceremony "honouring" the worst of the film industry) took place today. Movie 43 and After Earth took three awards each, with the former winning Worst Picture. Grown Ups 2 led with nine nominations, but was the biggest loser of the losers in all Razzie history by failing to win anything, setting a record for most Golden Raspberry nominations without a prize.

02 March
The Oscars! Gravity won the most, seven awards. 12 Years a Slave won three (including Best Picture). Dallas Buyers Club also snatched three, while Frozen and The Great Gatsby won two. I was just pissed off Leo didn't win once again, because he deserved it this round more than ever.
During that same night, Ellen DeGeneres took a selfie which featured Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence, Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, Meryl Streep, and Kevin Spacey (among others). It became the most Retweeted Tweet of all time, with 2 Million, and I've heard it crashed Twitter for a bit.

04 March
The final Funpowder Plot piece of the year was launched, but what a fucking piece. Directed by Ammr, it was a music video for Shura's song Touch and by all definitions, it went viral, clocking in at almost 4 and a half million views as I type this. It's fucking incredible, the best thing in our portfolio, a fantastic song, and I thank everyday that I know someone as talented and as humble as Mr Khalifa. I love you bro.
My work company, Dennis Publishing, won three PPA awards, which is encouraging and something we are all fucking proud of even if we totally deserve it.
Started going to dance classes on this date, which was a weekly thing for four weeks. I really enjoyed them, but I still dance like an 8bit octopus.

05 March
A good indication as to what I had been going through, today I launched the How To Heal Heartbreak In 20 Steps article. The response was mindblowing, thousands of hits pouring in as I received various emails sincerely thanking me for the content. Of all the blogs I wrote this year, I think I am most proud of this one, as I have gone back to it many times myself to aid my own life when I feel down. I honestly can't find a better piece about the subject anywhere on the net, which is not a boast, it is a statement, just read it and see.
Scott Kalvert was known as the director of The Basketball Diaries, as well as the music video director for such big names as Snoop Doggy Dogg, DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince, Bobby Brown, Billy Ocean, Marky Mark, LL Cool J, Salt 'n' Pepa, etc. He died today at age 49 from an apparent suicide.

06 March
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (5/50): I have this theory that the only thing people over 30 talk about it how old they're getting.

08 March
Went and watched Temples at Shepherds Bush Empire. Was a very good gig, I like them.
Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 and its 239 passengers just ... disappeared, en route from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing. And as we all know, it was a sign of things to come...

09 March
Nazario Moreno González (known better as El Chayo and/or El Más Loco AKA "The Craziest One"), was Mexico's most-wanted drug lord who headed La Familia Michoacana before heading the Knights Templar, a drug cartel. Crime doesn't pay though, as he was shot dead today at age 44.

11 March
After receiving my first ever credit card, I promptly spent £761.30 on Amazon, buying nothing but musical instruments. Scary fun!
Today, the newly appointed Prosecutor General of the Autonomous Republic of Crimea, Natalia Poklonskaya, made her first appearance at a press conference. She said some interesting things, but she was so good looking that nobody heard her, the internet rather falling in love and spending their days digging up provocative images of her past. God bless you all.

12 March
Today it was reported that Steve Klein was fired from New Found Glory due to multiple felony charges, including lewd acts with a minor, and possession of child pornography. So that's another one then.
Candy Crush Saga makes stock history, as Britain's most valuable publicly listed internet company, at $7.6bn.

13 March
After years of bothering me, I finally got a mole on my back checked. Clear! :D
The 2014 MTV Movie Awards, yay. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire won three; We're the Millers, The Wolf of Wall Street, and This Is the End won two.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (6/50): I'm the type of guy that pretends I got stung by a jellyfish just to get you to pee on me.

14 March
Emily Letts uploads a video titled “Emily’s Abortion Video” to YouTube (since removed, but it's on Vimeo here), where (you guessed it) she gets an abortion and we watch her face as she does so. People got mad and grossed out.

15 March
The ex drummer from the Stooges, Scott Randolph Asheton, dies at age 64 from a heart attack. Bleak one this one.
Clarissa Theresa Philomena Aileen Mary Josephine Agnes Elsie Trilby Louise Esmerelda Dickson Wright was an English celebrity chef who was best known as one half of the Two Fat Ladies television cooking programme. She was also an accredited cricket umpire, and one of only two women to become a Guild Butcher. Since the beginning of the year, she had been in hospital and died today at age 66.

17 March
Laura Bambrough, (L'Wren Scott) was an American fashion designer, and she hung herself today at the age of 49. She left her entire US$9mil estate to longtime boyfriend Mick Jagger, as if he needed the money.

18 March
Now here is an internet sensation we will all remember: the No Makeup Selfie. It had existed for quite a few years, but on this day it broke out on UK's Twitter, all intended to raise awareness for breast cancer. It raised more than £2 million in donations within 48 hours, and I liked it for this reason, as well as the reason that my news feed was flooded with so many beautiful ladies in their natural state. Boys maturely responded with the Make Up Selfie, and Cock In A Sock. I was too lazy to do any of this.
Finished reading How To Write A Hit Song by Molly-Ann Leikin. It had some merit, but ultimately was a complete waste of time, a guide on how to write the exact type of cliché song I've avoided writing my whole life. So much formula, so little interest.

19 March
After earning his reputation as an anti-gay wanker, American pastor Fred Waldron Phelps, Sr. died today at age 84. People wanted to picket his funeral. I wanted to picket his funeral. What an ass, I hope Jesus bums you.
Lizzie Durley creates the Facebook page “Sellotape Selfie” where people are invited to totally fuck up their face using sellotape. It gained 50,000 likes within five hours, and the meme was born.

22 March
Kate Bush announces her first live tour since 1979. It sells out in 15 minutes.
My sister meets Frank Turner, and gets me an autograph, yesss!

23 March
The vocalist of Gwar, David Murray "Dave" Brockie (Oderus Urungus), dies from heroin overdose at age 50. I like to believe he just went back to his home planet though.

25 March
The World Health Organization reports an outbreak of the Ebola virus in Guinea, with suspected cases in Libera and Sierra Lone. As of the day before today, 86 cases and 59 deaths were reported, and it went on to become one of the scariest, most discussed topics of the year, spreading like mad from this point on. As of 18 December 2014 a total of 19,078 suspected cases and 7,413 deaths have been announced—although this has been said to be an understatement. Panic!
After some people got an idea and raised US$91 million on Kickstarter to develop a virtual reality display, Facebook swooped in and bought it for $400 million in cash, $1.6 billion in Facebook stock, and an additional $300 million subject to Oculus VR's meeting certain financial targets. What the fuck is going on, I have ideas all the time.

26 March
Launched The 10 Coolest Things The Beatles Ever Did blog, which did very well thanks, everyone loved it, you will love it.
Finished reading The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene. Fuck me, this was a tough read, total textbook style and so fucking huge that I sometimes doubted I could get through it. But it was worth it, really exposed mistakes I had been making whilst granting me tools to destroy my enemies and influence others, done so by showing examples of how those in history had achieved the same thing. If you have the stamina, I recommend you give it a try.
Wu-Tang Clan announce a new album called Once Upon a Time in Shaolin. The gimmick here is that there would only be one copy in existence, and the group would tour it through museums where visitors would be charged per listen. Pretty cool idea actually, one way to defeat piracy I guess.

27 March
Christine McVie rejoins Fleetwood Mac on stage for first time in 16 years. This means the world to me.

29 March
Legislation to allow same-sex marriage in England and Wales was passed by UK Parliament in July 2013, came into force on 13 March 2014, and the first marriages took place today. I am pro-same-sex anything, but anti-marriage.

30 March
"Not All Men" is an expression used in rebuttal to generalised statements about men, usually by feminist types. Throughout the year it was sometimes used correctly but often overused, becoming a somewhat gender-specific cliché. Regardless, today was the day this Tumblr account launched, which was kind of the pinnacle of the piss-take side.

30 March
We Will Rock You has its final performance :'(
Frankie Knuckles was an American DJ and record producer. He played an important role in developing and popularizing house chunes, which is why he is often called "The Godfather of House Music." Because of this, Chicago named a stretch of street and a day after him, he once won a Grammy, and was inducted into the Dance Music Hall of Fame. He sadly passed today, from Type II diabetes-related complications at age 59.

Misc.
March becomes highest scoring Juice Nothing month ever, with 16,987 hits. Yup.

Dear 2014, April: 276 Nigerian girls kidnapped; Peaches Geldof overdoses; Facebook forces Messenger upon us; Kepler-186f planet discovered; Gabriel García Márquez dies.

01 April
Happy April Fools! As per usual, Google had plenty of good ones, my favourite where users could explore Google Maps and collect Pokémon. Apparently people who caught them all won stuff too.
My little contribution to April Fools joy: I Rick Rolled my millions of fans by announcing a fake song called The Age Of Consent For French Kissing. Lol.
Despite everyone thinking it was an April Fools report, Sahara dust smog hit London hard. Everything was dusty.
After meeting James Franco outside some Broadway show, 17-year-old Lucy Clode received text messages from the celebrity in attempt of hooking up. She went public and everyone was quick to play the paedo card, to which Franco responded by telling parents to keep their teens away from him. He did eventually apologise, but I found it hilarious and I still love him. I probably would have done the same thing, to be fair. 17 is legal in most places.
The strongest tropical cyclone to impact Queensland, Australia since Cyclone Yasi hit today. 22 died, $953 million in damage.
An Iquique earthquake hit Chile with an 8.2 magnitude. Four men died of heart attacks and one woman was reportedly crushed to death by a wall. Around 80,000 were displaced and 293 prisoners escaped from a women's prison when a barrier collapsed, but most returned voluntarily a short time later.
The Heartbleed security bug was reported today. It effected sites such as Amazon, BitBucket, GitHub, Pinterest, Reddit, SoundCloud, and Tumblr. "Change your passwords, ladies and gentlemen" was the basic advice.

02 April
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (7/50): Depression is God's way of telling you that you have too much time on your hands.

03 April
Went to a Microsoft event at the Koko. I was VIP. Every drink was free. Literally didn't pay a cent for any part of the night. Katy B and Aloe Blacc performed. Happy things.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (8/50): I don't mind if the government is watching me because I adore attention.

04 April
Finished reading The Wolf of Wall Street by Jordan Belfort after being blown away by the movie. They were very different, but I found the book to be way more intense—so much drugs and money that no film could accurately portray it. Hilariously offensive, I honestly feel like this is my calling and I will spend the rest of my life trying become Belfort rich, cautionary tale or not.
Had an audition of sorts at the official YouTube offices, so rad! It was for a YouTube channel called Teccles Cake, and even if I didn't eventually get the part, it was a wonderful experience, and I did design their logo, so yay!

06 April
Leee Black Childers was a photographer (after encouragment from Andy Warhol) and went on to take shots of many celebrities, such as Debbie Harry, Wayne County and The Sex Pistols. He also worked as a tour manager for David Bowie, Iggy Pop, and others. He sadly died today at age 68 from undisclosed reasons.

07 April
A relatively memorable one, Peaches Honeyblossom Geldof-Cohen died today from heroin overdose. She was mostly known as the daughter of Bob Geldof and Paula Yates, but also did quite well as a television presenter and model. She was 25.
George Shuffler was an innovative American bluegrass guitar player and an early practitioner of the crosspicking style, eventually winning the North Carolina Heritage Award and an election into the International Bluegrass Music Hall of Fame. He died at 88 today.

08 April
The Ultimate Warrior was a two-time WWF Intercontinental Champion and a one-time Heavyweight Champion, making him the only wrestler in the history of the company to hold both Championships at the same time. He died today from atherosclerotic cardiovascular disease which lead to a heart attack, at age 54.
Finished reading The Art of War by Sun Tzu. Very quick book and a bit irrelevant to my life, but a classic all the same.
Today a meeting took place about a potential collaborative project between myself and my little sister. It kinda fell apart during the course of the year for various reasons, but as my homeboy Justin Bieber says: never say never.

09 April
Facebook announces that the messaging feature will be removed from their app and users will be requested to download Messenger instead. People quite hated this forcefulness, mainly over concerns about privacy, I myself deleting and reinstalling the app multiple times. I use it now though because I am a slave.
The New Girl Saga, part 1: New Girl comes to visit London, staying in my room with me.

10 April
Susan Lillian "Sue" Townsend was an author best known for her creation of character Adrian Mole. After suffering ill health for most of her life (TB peritonitis, heart attack, diabetes, blindness, kidney failure, arthritis etc), she died today following a stroke, at age 68. I loved her work as a kid, so the sadness is not lost on me.

12 April
The Great Fire of Valparaíso started today in Chile. It destroyed at least 2,500 homes, left 11,000 people homeless, killed fifteen people, and seriously injured ten

14 April
On this night, approximately 276 Nigerian female students were kidnapped from the Government Secondary School in the town of Chibok. The kidnappings were claimed by Boko Haram, an Islamic Jihadist and Takfiri terrorist organization. Despite negotiations, they have still not been returned to this day.

15 April
Awkward Moment Seal is an advice animal image macro series featuring a weird looking seal describing uncomfortable situations. Today was the day when the original image was posted to Reddit, receiving over 300 upvotes and 373 comments. A few days later, the meme took flight, one example earning more than 3,000 upvotes in less than 24 hours.
The Ex's new boyfriend moves into the house with us but I WAS TOTALLY FINE WITH IT NO PROBLEMS HEY.
Seriously though, please imagine the awkwardness: Me, The Ex, The Ex's boyfriend, and New Girl all under one roof. It's like a fucking comedy show without any comedy.

17 April
One of the greatest novelists I've read in recent times is Colombian Gabriel García Márquez, often cited as one of the most significant authors of the 20th century, awarded the 1972 Neustadt International Prize and the 1982 Nobel Prize in Literature. Which is why it broke my heart that he died today, at the age of 87 from pneumonia.
Today scientists announced the discovery of Kepler-186f, a planet the same size as Earth, and at the right distance from its parent star to have liquid water. So ... have we finally discovered Earth 2?? Dibs.
Round about here, scientists in Brazil discovered a flea-sized insect named "Neotrogla," where the female has a penis (dubbed a "gynosome") covered in spikes which works like a vacuum to suck the sperm out of the male vagina—a mating ritual that lasts up to 70 hours. WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?

18 April
An avalanche on Mount Everest near Everest Base Camp killed sixteen Nepalese guides. Thirteen bodies were recovered, but the search for the remaining three was called off due to the difficulty and risk of retrieving them.

19 April
Jack White beats the the world's fastest released record, by performing the title track of his forthcoming album Lazaretto in front of a small crowd, then rushing the recording to United Record Pressing, which immediately began pressing the 45s, while the sleeves were printed from pictures taken at the show. The finished records were personally escorted by White to awaiting fans, the whole process taking 3 hours, 55 minutes and 21 seconds to complete.

20 April
Rubin "Hurricane" Carter was an American middleweight boxer who was wrongly convicted of murder and later freed via a petition after spending almost 20 years in prison. He died today from prostate cancer, at 76. I wouldn't be a muso junkie if I didnt mention Bob Dylan once wrote a song about him, and there was a film made about his life too.

21 April
Edmund Angel Abel, Jr. was an American inventor who designed and patented the heating element for Mr. Coffee, one of the first automatic drip coffee makers in the U.S, eventually reaching sales of $150 million by the late 1970s. He died today from natural causes, not from drinking coffee (ironically, he didn't touch the stuff) crediting his long lifespan (92 years) to a natural diet supplemented with grapefruit seed extract.

23 April
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (9/50): I hope your dying words are incorrectly autocorrected.

24 April
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (10/50): I can't wait until I'm really old and never have to get out of bed again.

26 April
DJ Rashad was a Chicago-based electronic musician, known as a pioneer in the footwork genre. He died today from complications relating to a blood clot in his leg at age 34. I became a fan not long before this, so I was fairly bleak.

27 April
Starting today came a tornado outbreak in central and southern United States, producing multiple long-track tornadoes—seven of which were deadly, causing 35 fatalities (as well as one additional death in Florida, due to severe associated flooding).

28 April
Not really internet, but geeky enough: long thought urban legend was that there was an Atari game burial ground, where thousands of unsold copies of the E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (one of the biggest commercial failures in video game history) were said to be hidden out of shame. Today, it proved to be true, as they were found in a New Mexico landfill site, 1,300 copies evacuated with an estimated 700,000 left because they were too deep underground to reach.
Decided to go sober here for two weeks, but did I make it? Stay tuned...

29 April
After a long served eye-infection, my little sister gets her cornea replaced by a dead man's superior cornea. Pretty intense, stitches in her eyeball and shit, but it went very well thankfully.
Colonel Walter Rudolph Walsh did a lot. He was involved in several high-profile FBI cases (like the capture of Arthur Barker and the killing of Al Brady), he served as a shooting instructor with the Marine Corps, he won numerous shooting tournaments, and he participated in the 1948 Summer Olympics. At the FBI's 100th anniversary celebration he was recognized as the oldest living former agent and noted as being a year older than the organization itself. Aside from some hearing and memory loss, he remained physically fit at his 103rd birthday and, in March 2013, became the longest-living Olympic competitor. But all things must pass, and today he left us, a week prior to his 107th birthday.
Robert William "Bob" Hoskins was an English actor, director, and comedian, best known for appearances in films such as Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Mermaids, Hook, Super Mario Bros., Nixon, and Neverland. He died from pneumonia today at 71.
Fucking tube strikes, ugh.

30 April
Launched the article The 20 Greatest Songs Of All Time (according to me). In all honesty, I consider it my worst blog of the year. I agree with a lot of it, but some of the choices make me cringe, even back when I wrote it. I have no idea how that happened, I guess it's the nature of such a topic in the first place, but even as my worst, it's still not that bad.
Sandwich shop Subway caves to Muslim demands and agrees to remove pork and only sell halal meat. I'm not sure whether I care or not, but some people did.

Dear 2014, May: H.R. Giger dies;  Conchita Wurst of Austria wins Eurovision; Slenderman convinces kids to kill people;  Elliot Rodger goes on a killing spree; McDonald’s announce Happy Mascot.

01 May
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (11/50): I wasn't picking my nose, I was smelling your mom's vagina.

02 May
A pair of mudslides occurred in Argo District, Afghanistan, with an uncertain death toll estimated anywhere from 350 up to 2,700. Around 300 houses were buried and over 14,000 peeps were affected.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (12/50): In music, is there such a thing as the Umbilical Chord? IF NOT WHY NOT.

03 May
Robert J. (Bobby) Gregg was a musician known for his drumming work on Bob Dylan's "Like a Rolling Stone" and Simon and Garfunkel's "The Sound of Silence". He died today at 78 :(

05 May
The World Health Organization identifies the spread of poliomyelitis in at least 10 countries as a major worldwide health emergency.
Boko Haram militants kill approximately 300 people in a night attack on Gamboru Ngala.

07 May
After The Sun publish some accusational article, Pizza Express reveal that all the chicken they use is halal, they just don't tell customers unless they ask (even though it was always on the website). Omg, scandal.

09 May
Finished reading George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four for the second time. Confirmed as my favourite book ever ever.
After asking users to list their most Incredible Closing Songs, NME website publishes two of my suggestions! Sweet, step one complete!!
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (13/50): I believe in the equality of all people except more stuff for me.

10 May
Eurovision Song Contest 2014 finals are won by drag queen Conchita Wurst of Austria. This was Austria's first win since 1966, and with the LGBT nature of his/her performance, many considered it a political win as well.
A judge rules that a music industry scheme in which Take That invested heavily in, was set up for the purpose of avoiding tax. Repayments will be sought, naughty boys.

11 May
Two weeks sobriety over! I made it! Then I had a Guinness and watched The Wind Rises to celebrate.

12 May
H. R. Giger is known as pretty much the best modern day surrealist painter, sculptor and set designer. He is highly regarded for the role he played on the Alien film, which won an Academy Award for Best Achievement in Visual Effects, but that hardly scratches the surface of his genius. And as one of the biggest, saddest deaths of 2014, he passed at age 74 on this day after suffering injuries from a fall. Fuck.
Hey, remember that time Solange Knowles attacked Jay Z in the elevator? Hahaha!
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (14/50): They say you shouldn't care what people think but then you get fired.

13 May
Mayo Clinic researchers completely eradicate a 49-year-old woman’s blood cancer by using an extremely heavy dose of modified measles (enough to vaccinate 100 million people). You go, science!
Malik Bendjelloul was a Swedish Academy Award-winning documentary filmmaker, best known for his 2012 documentary, Searching for Sugar Man, which won an Academy and a BAFTA Award. He committed suicide by jumping in front of a train today, at age 36.
The Swans album To Be Kind was released today, my favourite record of the year.
The New Girl Saga, part 2: New Girl leaves London to go back home, and I think that is the end of us...

14 May
Stephen Robert Sutton, MBE was a charity activist known for his blog Stephen's Story, which managed to raise over £4.2 million towards the aid of teenagers with cancer. He died in his sleep today at the age of 19.
Between now and the 18th, a low-pressure cyclone affected a large area of Southeastern and Central Europe, causing floods and landslides. By the 20th, 62 people had died as a result of the flooding, hundreds of thousands had been forced from their homes, and the damage rose up to several billions of dollars.

15 May
For my friend Reiko's birthday, I wrote her a song (which I had been promising for over a year) which came with a video, cos I'm sweet like that. It was called My Favourite Asian In The Whole World.
Redditor Problydrunkrightnow submitted an image macro of a dog cracking a joke about NASA to a baby. It soon became known as “Dad Joke Dog” and the meme gods said "let it be so".
The New Girl Saga, part 3: New Girl suddenly arrives back in London unannounced! She hooked up a job and wants to stay! Hooray I think!

16 May
For work, me and some colleagues went to the official jQuery UK Conference in Oxford. It was a lot of fun, but was even more fun afterwards when we walked around the city, checking out the universities and getting drunk in The Eagle and Child, where J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis used to drink.
I also checked out a venue which claims to be where On A Friday played their first gig ever. On A Friday being the original name of Radiohead, of course. Successful dayyyy.

17 May
An Antonov An-74 airplane of the Lao People's Liberation Army Air Force crashed in northern Laos en route to Xiangkhouang Province. The accident was attributed to a technical error, and the 16 strong death toll included many influential people from the Leo People's Revolutionary Party including "arguably the two most powerful people in the security apparatus". Not good.
Around here an unnamed titanosaur species was found in the Patagonia region of Argentina. It has been estimated to be 130 ft long and 65 ft tall, with a weight of 77 tonnes, making it one of the largest land animals in Earth's history ever discovered.

18 May
Jerry Vale was an American singer and actor. His version of The Star-Spangled Banner was a fixture at many sporting events for years, and he even made cameo appearances as himself in Scorsese's films Goodfellas and Casino. He died today from natural causes at age 83.
Gordon Hugh Willis, Jr. was an American cinematographer, best known for his work on The Godfather series as well as Woody Allen's Annie Hall and Manhattan. The International Cinematographers Guild named Willis among the ten most influential cinematographers in history, so there's that too. He died from cancer at 82 today.

19 May
Michael Aldrich was the English fucker who gone and actually invented online shopping. He also invented the Teleputer and the concept of interactive broadband local loop cable TV for mass market consumer telecommunications. We all owe him, basically. Anyways, he died today at age 72.
Sante Kimes was an American criminal convicted of two murders, as well as loads of other shit. Many of these crimes were committed with the assistance of her son, Kenneth Kimes Jr, and together they were tried and convicted, ultimately serving a life sentence plus 125 years. That life sentence ended today as she died from natural causes, age 79.
Is this news? Anyways, today McDonald’s announced its “Happy” Mascot as the face of Maccies in the U.S. It has since become a target of online mockery due to it's fucking creepy face.

20 May
Terrorists in Nigeria detonate bombs at Jos, killing 118 people.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (15/50): The monkey on my back is blowing kisses to the elephant in the room.

22 May
The 59th Ivor Novello Awards. Winners I was interested in included Retrograde by James Blake (Best Contemporary Song), Push the Sky Away by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds (Jerry Dammers Album Award), Tom Odell (Songwriter of the Year), The Chemical Brothers (Outstanding Song Collection), and Christine McVie (Lifetime Achievement).
The Royal Thai Army overthrows the caretaker government of Niwatthamrong Boonsongpaisan after a failure to resolve the political unrest in Thailand

23 May
NINE INCH NAILS! We had posh box seats right at the back of the Arena, so it was super relaxing and spacious, and I loved every second of it, one of the best shows of the year fo sho.
22-year-old Elliot Rodger goes on a killing spree near the University of California campus, killing six people and injuring 13 others then committing suicide. Before he did so, he uploaded a manifesto and a (since removed) YouTube video where he blamed his actions on women rejecting him, men leading a better life than him, and his family conflicts. Ugh.
My most popular tweet of all time.

26 May
Manuel "Meme" Uribe Garza was a Mexican man who suffered from morbid obesity to one of the greatest extents known in recorded history. At his peak he weighed around 597kg and couldn't leave his bed since 2008, dying today at the age of 48. His cause of death has not yet been revealed to the public, but I might have an idea.

28 May
My only Goat's Nest short story of the year Clean Birth was launched today. Nobody really cared, but it's just a small part of this girl's huge journey and I can't wait to share more of it soon.
Maya Angelou was an African-American female author, to put it lightly. Her seven autobiographies were her main claim to fame, receiving dozens of awards and over fifty honorary degrees, and just by reading about her extensive life experience, it's easy to see why. Quick examples, her occupations and achievements have included: a fry cook, prostitute, nightclub dancer and performer, opera cast member, coordinator for the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, journalist in Egypt and Ghana, actor, writer, director, producer of plays, movies, public television programs, teacher at Wake Forest University in Winston-Salem, Civil Rights activist, worked with Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcolm X, lecturer around the world, the first poet to make an inaugural recitation since 1961, considered an important spokesperson for black people and women, as well as facing many bans of her books from libraries whilst redefining the autobiography genre. Shew, I recommend you read more yourself, she was truly something. Sadly, after years of poor health, she died today at 86.

29 May
Announcing that he's "loved her for years", Quentin Tarantino and his muse Uma Thurman reveal their relationship to the world. I like this! I approve!

31 May
Two 12-year-old girls in Waukesha, Wisconsin, held down and stabbed a 12-year-old classmate 19 times. When questioned, they claimed they wished to commit murder as the first step to becoming proxies of the Slender Man. The boy survived but this is not the last case of this, as not long after another 13-year-old girl attacked her mother after writing macabre fiction involving Slender Man too. I believe in Slender Man. Slender Man. Slender Man. SlenderManSlenderManSlenderManSlenderMan.
Luigi’s Death Stare refers to the character's facial expression in the eighth installment of Nintendo’s Mario Kart franchise. The meme grew in popularity today when user CZbwoi posted this video to YouTube, and we all had a laugh.

Misc.
Tons of wildfires ignited in California, and by mid-May, fire officials had already dealt with over 1,400 of them. They caused a total of 146 injuries and two fatalities, as well as at least $184.02 million in damage.

Dear 2014, June: Felix Dennis dies; 2014 FIFA World Cup; ISIS announced the establishment of a new caliphate; Ice Bucket Challenge goes viral; I start getting panic attacks.

01 June
Ann Bradford Davis was an American television actress, somewhat known for her role in The Bob Cummings Show comedy (for which she twice won the Primetime Emmy Award for Outstanding Supporting Actress) but even better known for playing the part of Alice Nelson, the housekeeper in The Brady Bunch. Despite living in excellent health, she surprised everyone by suddenly dying today at age 88, perhaps related to a fall earlier that morning.

02 June
Alexander Theodore "Sasha" Shulgin was an American medicinal chemist, credited with introducing MDMA to psychologists in the late 1970s for psychopharmaceutical use. Due to his extensive work in the field he has since been dubbed the "godfather of psychedelics", which I'm sure his mother would be proud to hear. He developed liver cancer this year and passed today at age 88.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (16/50): The Salvador Dalí Lama.

04 June
Bernard Patrick "Doc" Neeson OAM was an Australian musician, known as the front man for the hard rock Hall of Fame inducted band The Angels, who are cited as a major influence on bands such as Guns N' Roses, Pearl Jam, and Nirvana. He died today from a brain tumour, aged 67.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (17/50): Sometimes I wish I was a pornstar but then I remember how gross sex is.

06 June
Went and saw Arcade Fire at Earl's Court and the weirdest thing happened: I had a crisis. I felt out of place, and suddenly realised that I didn't like gigs anymore—I was too old for them, and so after eating a really nice burger (the highlight) I left early. Thankfully, it turned out that I was wrong, I didn't hate gigs, I just hated Arcade Fire, and regular show attendance resumed without much trouble.
Finished reading The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. Without a doubt the best book I read this year, I nearly cried and I'm a hard man.
Went to the dentist and he polished all the black coffee stains off of my teeth. Click here for a disgusting before and after.
Eric Gordon Hill OBE was the English author and illustrator of Spot the Dog. He died today aged 86.

07 June
The New Girl Saga, part 4: Went and visited New Girl at her work house in Birmingham. It was incredible, shit went down that I still think about on a daily basis. It was also her last day in said house as she moved back in with me the next day.

08 June
Alexander Herbert Imich was a Polish-born American chemist, parapsychologist, and supercentenarian, as well as the president of the Anomalous Phenomena Research Center in New York. He died today at age 111 years 124 days, certified by Guinness World Records as the world's oldest living man.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (18/50): Nobody knows when their death will come, but I'm guessing mine will be on a weekend.

09 June
Round about here, the Squishing Nemo porn video came out, where underage South African girls in Edgemead High School uniforms sucked a guy's dick whilst squashing goldfish at the same time. The fucked up part of me was turned on, and I am terribly ashamed of this.
Richard Michael "Rik" Mayall was an English comedian and actor, known as a pioneer of alternative comedy in the early 1980s. He appeared in numerous cult classics namely The Young Ones, Filthy Rich & Catflap, The New Statesman, Bottom, Blackadder, Drop Dead Fred, and Guest House Paradiso. He died today from cardiac related issues at age 56.

10 June
Jack White in the news again, this time for the most impressive vinyl release I have ever heard of. A limited edition of his Lazaretto LP had more easter eggs than music, including: a 40-page hardcover book, a fold-out poster, bonus tracks, hidden tracks in the grooves, continuous drones, and even a fucking holagram. Watch this, it's mental. It's no surprise then, that it set the record for the most vinyl sales in one week since SoundScan began tracking sales in 1991.

11 June
Ruby Dee was an American actress (and more), best known for co-starring in the films Do the Right Thing and American Gangster (for which she was nominated for an Academy Award). She has won a: Grammy, Emmy, Obie, Drama Desk, Screen Actors Guild Award, and Screen Actors Guild Lifetime Achievement Awards, as well as the National Medal of Arts and the Kennedy Center Honors. She died a natural death today at age 91.

12 June
2014 FIFA World Cup begins!

13 June
The New Girl Saga, part 5: After a huge irreversible dunkern argument, me and New Girl break up, but she continues to stay at my house for a few weeks, meaning I was currently living with two ex-girlfriends as well as The Ex's boyfriend. I told ya'll I was stressed.

14 June
David Terence "Terry" Richards was a British stuntman featuring in nine 007 films, but was best known for one very famous scene in Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark. It was originally scripted as a heavy fight sequence between Harrison Ford and Terry's "large Arabian swordsman" character, but as Ford was suffering from diarrhoea that day, they decided to cut the take down into one quick gun shot. It was later voted in at No. 5 on Playboy magazine's list of best all time scenes, even if Terry was very unhappy with his severed screen time. Anyways, he died today at 81.

15 June
Kemal Amen "Casey" Kasem was an American disc jockey, radio personality, and voice actor, best known for hosting the American Top 40 as well as providing the voice of "Shaggy" Rogers in the Scooby-Doo franchise. After suffering from Parkinson's disease for years, he died at age 82 today.
Daniel Keyes was an American author of one of my favourite short stories ever, namely Flowers for Algernon. He died today from pneumonia complications at age 86.

16 June
A long abandoned 1994 album by Richard D. James (Aphex Twin) named Caustic Window surfaced for sale on Discogs today. It was bought and distributed through a Kickstarter campaign, and eventually sold on eBay for $46,300.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (19/50): If your girlfriend complains that you don't express yourself properly, try using a gif.

17 June
Dennis Publishing finally relaunches Expert Reviews. I had a little bit to do with this.
It was announced today that YouTube will remove tons of music videos from big artists such as Adele, Arctic Monkeys, and Radiohead, because the independent labels they belong to refused to agree with new terms from the site. The whole thing was a bit weird and confusing, and I'm not sure anything even came of it in the end.
John Taylor McClure was an award-winning American recording engineer and producer, who helped record the strings on Pink Floyd's The Wall and won many Grammys for his classical work. He died today at 84.

18 June
Finished reading Don't Try This at Home by Dave Navarro and Neil Strauss. What an egotistical wanker, what a disappointment.
The Stockton Police Department Facebook page posted a mugshot of 30-year-old convicted felon Jeremy Meeks, and girls wet their panties all around the world in unison. The next day, a fundraising page for Meeks’ legal defense was launched on GoFundMe, his name was the top trending Google search, and various porn agencies offered him contracts. So it is what's on the outside that counts after all!
James M. Falkinburg was an American sound editor, film producer and post-production supervisor. He worked on many iconic films and television programs including Rock Around the Clock, The Monkees, The Brady Bunch, Easy Rider, and The Exorcist. In total, he edited the sound effects for over 100 films and 38 television programs comprising more than 1,700 episodes, to mention a few. He even took part in making the first Star Wars and Ghostbusters. He died today at 81.

19 June
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (20/50): Tonight is the night when 2 become 1. And then tomorrow morning, we become 2 again, and you need to leave.

22 June
One of the biggest passings of the year (for more personal reasons, granted) was that of Felix Dennis. He not only owned the company I work at, but was also a fucking legend, reshaping and pioneering magazine publication in the United Kingdom forever, and going on to make more money than you and I will ever know (more than £750m net worth). Throat cancer got the best of him at age 67 today, and we found out long before it was publicly announced. The company was largely unaffected (we are now owned by The Heart of England Forest, we literally work for trees), but I must encourage everyone to research this guy, because he was a total rockstar by every definition of the word. He was the first person to say "cunt" on live television. John Lennon once wrote a song about him. He claims to have been in the same room as Lennon when he wrote Imagine. Ya, stuff like that.
Finished watching every single Martin Scorsese film. All 23 of them. Every. Single. One.

23 June
Finally, the Official Singles Chart decide to recognise and incorporate online streams into their system, 100 streams equating to one purchase.

24 June
World Cup: Uruguay's Luis Suarez gets accused of biting a player for the third time in his career, after an incident today with Giorgio Chiellini.

25 June
Launched my Worst To Best: Studio Ghibli article which was special for two reasons: (1) It was the first "Worst To Best" I've ever done, and won't be the last; and (2) with just under 6,000 hits, it was my most read blog of the year. I was super happy with all of this, because all I ever want to do is make the studio proud.
My boss returns from the States and brought me back official Breaking Bad blue meth! Ftw!! (Spoiler: it's actually candy)

26 June
Today was the first day where I thought I was having a heart attack at work, which as it turns out, was just an anxiety attack, my first one ever. These attacks plagued me for the rest of the year, multiple times on a daily basis, and they completely wrecked my confidence as a human being, arguably the main reason as to why 2014 was the most difficult year in recent memory.
Still no idea why they started happening though, I'm sure it had nothing to do with ex-girlfriends.

27 June
Transformers: Age of Extinction was released in the U.S. Despite being critically slated, it grossed over $1.087 billion worldwide, making it the tenth highest-grossing film of all time, the highest-grossing film of 2014, and the nineteenth film to gross over $1 billion.
SAD ONE. Robert Dwayne "Bobby" Womack was an American musician, with a 50 year career spanning R&B, soul, rock and roll, doo-wop, gospel, and country. Did you know he wrote and originally recorded the Rolling Stones' first UK No. 1 hit, It's All Over Now? More recently he featured on Gorillaz' single Stylo, and released his final album in 2012. He passed away today after battling numerous health issues (prostate cancer, colon cancer, pneumonia, Alzheimer's disease) at age 70. Rest in Peace, Bobby.
Just finished reading The Metamorphosis (and other stories) by Franz Kafka. Overrated? Yes. Enjoyable? Yes.

29 June
One of the most widely reported names in 2014 was ISIS (or ISIL), and so much went on about this, that I won't even pretend I followed it as closely as I should. But today was the day that this naughty rebel group announced the establishment of a new caliphate; claiming religious, political and military authority over all Muslims worldwide, achieving said authority via means of violence and terrorism. Lame.

30 June
Undoubtably the biggest internet thingy of the year was the Ice Bucket Challenge. It gained mass popularity on this day thanks to the program Morning Drive, and it didn't take long before everyone and their granny jumped all over it, including almost every celebrity you've ever heard of. And all for a good cause: raising money and awareness for the ALS disease, whose charity organisation announced their total donations exceeded $100 million once all was said and done.
For the second time this year, Juice Nothing SMASHED its own record and got more hits in June than any other month ever, at 20,768. Go me!
Today Rolf Harris was found guilty of twelve charges of indecent assault including four involving victims aged between 8 and 19. He was sentenced to a total of five years and nine months in prison.

Dear 2014, July: Malaysia Airlines Flight 17 gets shot down; Germany win World Cup; Eric Garner gets chocked to death by cops; Tommy Ramone dies; Potato salad Kickstarter raises $55,492

01 July
President Vladimir Putin signs a law that makes it illegal to curse in books, movies, music or any other form of Russian entertainment. Anything with a swears that's already on the market will be labeled for obscene language. Violators could be fined $56-70. WHAT THE FUCK, PUTIN, YOUR NAME IS A SWEAR WORD.

02 July
Death Grips announce their break up by writing it on a napkin. I, for one, was gutted. In a few years we will all look back at this band as one of the most innovative, modern, and punk rock of our time, mark my words.

03 July
My company Dennis wins Digital Publisher of the Year at the AOP Awards, and as a result, we got half a day off the next day! But ... I already had the day off... :’(((
A guy tries to raise $10 on Kickstarter in order to make a potato salad. Ends up raising $55,492. I am far too smart to be successful.
Not my proudest 2014 moment, today was the day I pulled up my tight shorts and somehow dislocated my thumb at work. Had to go to the hospital during work hours, was super fucking lame and embarrassing.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (21/50): I promise you right now that every problem in your life stems from you giving too much of a fuck.

04 July
Hyde Park Festival! Saw Motörhead, Faith No More (!!!!!!!!), Soundgarden (who played the whole of Superunknown), and Black Sabbath. Pretty epic, yeah?

07 July
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (22/50): Rofl Harris.

08 July
World Cup: Brazil vs. Germany. Unforgettably painful match where Germany tore Brazil's face off, 7 - 1. Was agonising to watch even as a Germany supporter.
Operation Protective Edge (an Israel Defense Forces operation in the Hamas-controlled Gaza Strip), officially launched today with the stated aim of ending rocket fire from the Gaza strip into Israel. Hamas rocket attacks and Israeli air strikes left more than 2,000 people dead within seven weeks, the majority of whom were Palestinian civilians. People were kidnapped. Shit got fucking chaotic, so many explosions, so many deaths which continued forever, nobody could stop it, still going on, horrible.

11 July
BBC 1Xtra (a typically black orientated music station) released its 2014 Power List. Ed Sheeran was at the top. Some black people didn't dig that at all.
Another biggie was Tommy Ramone, best known as the drummer for influential punk rock band the Ramones. He had been diagnosed with bile duct cancer, and was in hospice care following unsuccessful treatment when he died today at 65. He was the final original member to pass :(
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (23/50): Sign of getting old: When a hot girl tells me she has a boyfriend, I'm just grateful she's not married.

12 July
My mate put on a festival in his garden called DELLOWFEST, and it got real. Met loads of new friendly faces, which was important.

13 July
World Cup ends, and ultimately the best players won. Germany.

15 July
Made a picture of my housemates for our fridge, and regretted it ever since.
A massive hole suddenly appeared in nothern Siberia, and paranoid people said it was aliens. Interestingly enough, it all happened in Yamal, a peninsula jutting into Arctic waters whose name literally translates to "the end of the world".

16 July
John Dawson Winter III was an American blues guitarist, who was best known for Grammy nominated high-energy blues-rock albums as well as producing three Grammy Award-winning albums for Muddy Waters. He was even inducted into the Blues Foundation Hall of Fame and was ranked 63rd in Rolling Stone magazine's list of the "100 Greatest Guitarists of All Time". For reasons unclear, he died today at age 70.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (24/50): *rolls eyes*
*keeps rolling eyes until eyes are completely backwards*
*looks at brain with disappointment*

17 July
Bad year for Malaysia Airlines, as Flight 17 was shot down today by (reportedly) pro-Russian separatists, killing all 283 passengers and 15 crew on board. It is the deadliest air incident in Ukraine, the deadliest airliner shootdown in history, and the deadliest involving a Boeing 777.
Under suspicion of selling loose cigarettes and after resisting arrest, Eric Garner found himself in a chokehold by Officer Daniel Pantaleo. Despite Garner's chokes and clear cries that he couldn't breathe, Pantaleo refused to let go and ultimately choked the man to death. People rightfully protested, especially when a grand jury decided not to indict officer Pantaleo later in December. I've seen the video, and it's bullshit to be honest, a man is dead.

23 July
The second fatal commercial airliner accident in one week: a Taiwan plane crashes, killing at least 40 people. Apparently it was weather related.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (25/50): Sometimes I wish I could just meet a girl who is basically the female version of me but then I remember how much I hate myself.

24 July
The third fatal commercial airliner accident in one week: Air Algérie Flight 5017 crashed in Mali, near Gossi. 110 passengers and 6 crew on board were killed. The cause is unknown, but it's enough to make you stay at home forever.
Surgeons in Mumbai remove 232 teeth from the mouth of an Indian teenager in what they believe may be a world-record operation. What?
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (26/50): My favourite thing about solipsists is punching them in the face and then asking them why they did that.

25 July
Secret Garden Party! Three days of smiling! This was a definite 2014 highlight, I had permanent fun in what can only be described as the artiest, most visually inspiring, most free festival I have ever been to. I also saw Foxes, Little Dragon, Fat Freddy's Drop, and Public Enemy, but to be honest, none of that mattered. I will go every year from now on.

27 July
Kristina Joy Fetters was the youngest person in Iowa sentenced to life in prison without parole when she murdered her 73 year-old great-aunt, at age 14. However, following the 2012 Supreme Court decision of Miller v. Alabama, mandatory life sentences for juvenile offenders were deemed unconstitutional, and Fetters became the first inmate in Iowa to be re-sentenced in November 2013. It didn't matter though, as she was granted compassionate parole the following month for breast cancer, and died from it today at 34.

29 July
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (27/50): It's got so bad that when I walk past a pretty girl on the street my thumb automatically swipes right.

30 July
Finally got round to releasing the third part to My Brief Brushes With Greatness series. It did very well, as so many celebrity names tend to do.
At the same time I released How To Wash Dishes Like Jared Woods which is exactly what it says on the tin and further proof that my life was falling apart.
Richard Emerson "Dick" Smith was an American special effects make-up artist nicknamed "The Godfather of Make-Up". He earned this title from his work on Little Big Man, The Godfather, The Exorcist, Taxi Driver, and Scanners, even winning an Academy Award twice. He died today at the age of 92.
Richard Allen "Dick" Wagner was an American rock music guitarist, best known for his work with Alice Cooper, Lou Reed, and KISS. He died today from respiratory failure at the age of 71.

31 July
King Robbo was an English underground graffiti artist, known for his feud with Banksy. It's worth researching, here is a quote from Robbo:
"I was at a place called the Dragon Bar on Old Street. I was introduced to a couple of guys who were like 'whoa it's nice to meet you!'. When I was introduced to Banksy, I went 'Oh yeah I've heard of you mate, how you doing?' and he went 'well I've never heard of you'...he dismissed me as a nobody, as nothing. So with that I slapped him and went 'oh what you ain't heard of me? you won't forget me now will you?' and with that he picked up his glasses and ran off."
Ha! Funny! Less funny is that Robbo sustained a head injury from a fall today, ended up in a coma, and died at age 44.

Misc.
Typhoon Rammasun jumped around this month, impacting the Philippines, South China, and Vietnam. 195 fatalities, $7.13 billion in damage.
Sometime during this month I decided to add a new Facebook friend each and every week, and have continued to do so until this very day. So if I prematurely asked to be your buddy, now you know why.

Dear 2014, August: Robin Williams dies; The Fappening happens; Isis behead James Foley; GamersGate begins; I get prescribed with Propranolol.

02 Aug
Today marked an end of an era, as The East Village (a house I lived in from 2010 through most of 2011) was getting knocked down, and the residents had to vacate. To honour such a memorable location from our lives, current members threw one last party this night with a jumping castle and everything. Was wicked.
The New Girl Saga, part 6: However, every silver lining needs some dark drama, and before said party, one of my housemates decided to invite New Girl, despite knowing how I felt about it. Being the mature guy I am, I threw my toys at their faces, and pulled the "if she goes, I don't go" card. Naturally (as a former resident of The East Village) support was in my favour and she didn't end up coming. However, this boiled into a huge argument between me and my housemate (coincidentally, "other friend" mentioned on 28th Jan), which was one massive blow to our relationship, to the point that I deleted her on Facebook this same day. So, as you can imagine, the tense house only grew tenser.

03 Aug
The 2014 Ludian earthquake struck China with magnitude of 6.1. It killed at least 617 people, injured at least 2400 others, 112 people remain missing, and there is $6 billion damage to sort out.
The New Girl Saga, part 7: After the previous messy hiccup, me and New Girl meet and discuss things, developing a much better understanding of each other. Slowly but surely, we begin to patch things up, and as the month develops, it looks like we were getting back together, which I was really happy about. It felt more right this time.
Of course, some people weren't happy about it, and my sister and I stopped talking from here as a result, until further notice.

04 Aug
After realising I was losing the battle between life and my sanity, I finally surrendered and went to the doctor, who explained the ins-and-outs of anxiety attacks to me and prescribed Propranolol (lol), a friendly drug which basically slows your heart the fuck down. More on that shortly.
Today a TouTube video was uploaded where a five-year old boy was interviewed by a local news channel. He said the word "apparently" a lot, and apparently that's all you need to go viral these days, as he gained 4.1 million views within 48 hours and is now known as the Apparently Kid.
Finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. As much as I loathe time travel stories, this is one of the few that I felt succeeded in doing it right—a really engaging and totally different side of an otherwise overused idea in literature. Definitely one of my reading highlights of the year.
Jerry Mamberg (better known as Jake Hooker) was the guitarist for the rock/pop band Arrows. He died today at 61 for unreported reasons.

05 Aug
A company email went around from Felix Dennis himself, eerily beyond the grave. It basically thanked us for making him so much money and promised some massive drink celebration would take place. It was quite uncharacteristically lovely of him to do so, and the office felt a weird sense of nice grief all over.
Marilyn Burns was an American actress best known for her roles in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and Eaten Alive. She was also known for portraying Linda Kasabian in the three-time Emmy-nominated miniseries Helter Skelter. She died today at 65, and I have no idea why.

08 Aug
Today the World Health Organisation declared the Ebola epidemic to be an international public health emergency, stating that countries affected do not have the capacity to manage the outbreak. By the end of August, it had spread to Nigeria.
6 years in London!

09 Aug
The shooting of Michael Brown took place today, where the young black unarmed man was fatally shot by officer Darren Wilson. Things got racial, two week long protests broke out, and a load of looting and violent trouble spread as a result.
At the peak of my feminism obsession, I got home drunk on this day and recorded a video titled "What Do You Want?" - a White Privileged Male's View on Feminism". I received a fair share of negativity from it, and thus began my slow spiral away from the movement.

11 Aug
Back on the Propranolololol story, I finally went public with my misery in a quick rant titled Drugs Saved My Life. Everything you need to know is in there, really.
And then the biggest celebrity death of the year occurred, namely Robin Williams, from asphyxiation suicide. What was weird to me was that I had just come clean about my depression, and suddenly everyone was an expert on the topic, which annoyed me. I know it's not a competition, but this funny man stole my misery stage! Still, such a loss, he will go down as one of the greatest improvisational comedians of all time.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (28/50): In my writings, I like to use the word "reportedly" even if I am the only one who has reported it.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (29/50): OMG I ONLY JUST REALISED THE WORD "EAR" IS IN THE WORD "HEARING" WAS THIS ON PURPOSE EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT NOW.

12 Aug
The Jabberwocky festival gets cancelled. As someone who had tickets, I was caught up in the mess, the organisers and the ticket website pointing fingers at each other whilst refusing refunds. Eventually Paypal stepped in as the hero of the day and gave the money back, which is why I respect them with all my heart whilst swearing off Jabberwocky for life. Fuck you assholes.
Finished reading The Manual (How to Have a Number One the Easy Way) by The KLF. A fantastic read and I believe every word they said, no joke.

13 Aug
My daddy visits me, yay!

14 Aug
Cliff Richard's apartment gets raided by police in regards to an alleged historical sexual assault on a boy aged under 16. He profusely stands by his innocent and I believe him, because if Cliff is in on the padeostar thing, then there is no God.
Rick Parashar was an American record producer who worked with and developed many grungy artists, including Alice In Chains, Pearl Jam, Temple of the Dog, Blind Melon, and Dinosaur Jr. He died today at age 50, apparently from natural causes.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (30/50): She told me she was worried about me, but I could see in her eyes she was thinking about Robin Williams again.

15 Aug
A huge tick on the bucket list, watched Neutral Milk Hotel at The Forum. Was probably the best show of the year, brought on a whole new appreciation of their music for me, and I left feeling hugely inspired.
Jay J Adams was an American skateboarder known as one of the original members of the Z-Boys skateboarding team, and as "The Original Seed" of the sport, often considered one of the most influential skateboarders of all time. He died today of a heart attack at age 53.

16 Aug
One of the most confusing internet uprisings of 2014 was #GamersGate, but I will try to do my best to sum it up here. Basically, some jilted ex-boyfriend wrote a long essay detailing the infidelity of his ex-girlfriend, video game developer Zoe Quinn. Some people agreed that she had acted inappropriately and personal details of hers were leaked all over the net, whilst more and more vicious rumours about her developed. Pretty soon, the feminists came roaring to the rescue with their pitchforks and turned everything into a war against publicly harassing women. A lot gamers realised this was going sour, and everyone quickly changed its definition once again, now a fight against corruption in games journalism. Eventually no one knew what it was really about anymore. Attack on Zoe? Women in video games? People who write about video games? Protection of gamer identity? It became very hard to keep up with or understand unless you were following, and I wasn't, but it got so crazy with misogynistic accusations and self-contradictory claims of racism/ageism, that Intel pulled some ads and I stopped writing.
In a horrible twist of irony, one of the co-founders of the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, Corey Griffin, drowned in a diving accident today at the special age of 27.
The New Girl Saga, part 8: The end of our tale. On this day it came to light that New Girl had "messed around" (for lack of better term) with one of my so-called mates. I told her to fuck off, I told my so-called mate to fuck off, and I haven't seen either of them since, losing friends by the handful. New Girl left London shortly afterwards. As it stands, I am over the whole thing now, I don't have the effort to care, but at the time this was just yet another ugh in a year of ughhhhs.

17 Aug
Finally watched all 13 Kubrick films, done. Jesus Christ, best director ever.

19 Aug
Isis uploads a video purportedly showing the execution of James Foley, an American journalist, by cutting his head right off. Eish.

21 Aug
The Knife announce their break up :'(
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (31/50): I hate your baby.

22 Aug
The Ex and her boyfriend move out of the Lollywood house, and it felt like the belt around my neck had been loosened a notch.

24 Aug
The 2014 MTV Video Music Awards, where Beyoncé and Iggy Azalea led the nominees with eight, and Eminem followed with seven.
Richard Samuel Attenborough, Baron Attenborough, CBE was an English actor and film director, who has won two Academy Awards, four BAFTA Awards, and four Golden Globe Awards. He was also in Jurassic Park and is the older brother of David Attenborough. He died today, five days before his 91st birthday.

26 Aug
Reverend Samuel Akinbode Sadela was a Nigerian pastor and an unverified claimant for the world's oldest man. If his age is true, he would have been the oldest living man, dying at the claimed age of 114.

27 Aug
Launched The 30 Greatest Music Legends Of Our Time article. I was very proud of it, which is why I was so gutted when it hardly got any attention whatsoever.
Suicidal Tendencies bassist Tim Williams passes away. He's not very fames, so there's not much info out there, soz.

28 Aug
Billboard reports that the public paid for just 3.97 million albums in the last week, the lowest sales ever since Soundscan started keeping track in 1991.
Glenn Douglas Barnard Cornick was a British bass player, best known as a founding member of Jethro Tull. He died today at age 67 due to congestive heart failure.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (32/50): One day, my kid is gonna ask me "Dad, what was the 2010s like?" and I'll say "meh, just a bunch of paedophiles and plane crashes, really".

31 Aug
The Fappening! It was here that hackers got in to many celebrities' Apple iClouds and leaked hundreds of nudes, including those of Jennifer Lawrence, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kate Upton, Kirsten Dunst, Rihanna, Hillary Duff, Kaley Cuoco, Kim Kardashian, Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, Kate Bosworth, and Victoria Justice. It went crazy. I looked.
Related, and based on this, plus her involvement in Ellen DeGeneres' selfie, plus that The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 was the 8th highest-grossing film of 2014 ($669,656,000), I have no problems with crowning Jennifer Lawrence as the Queen of 2014. Take a bow, girl!
Jimmy Wayne "Jimi" Jamison was an American rock songwriter, known for fronting Cobra and Survivor, as well as being the voice and co-writer of the Baywatch theme song. He died from a heart attack today at age 63.
Stan Goldberg was a comic book artist, best known for his work with Archie Comics and as a Marvel Comics colourist who helped design the original colour of Spider-Man. He was inducted into the National Cartoonists Society Hall of Fame in 2011, and died today following a stroke at the age of 82.

Misc.
For the third time this year, Juice Nothing broke its record, reaching 22,950 hits in August. Yes, please keep going with this!

Dear 2014, September: iPhone 6 announced; Joan Rivers dies; My EP Fear of Telephones gets released yay; Scotland votes against the independence referendum; Emma Watson deliveres UN speech.

01 Sep
Russia’s space agency confirm that the five geckos they launched into space for an experiment on weightlessness and sexual behaviour ... have died. Shitlol.
Kicking me when I was down was an email from my sister today formally cutting off our friendship once and for all. We have since semi-made up, but our relationship was damaged, never quite reaching the point it once was.
David Anderle was a record producer who worked with such legends as The Beach Boys, The Doors, and Love. He died today from cancer at age 77.

02 Sep
ISIS (aka ISIL) release yet another beheading video, this time of American-Israeli journalist Steven Joel Sotloff (31). After this, President Barack Obama stated that he would take action to "degrade and destroy" ISIS.

03 Sep
Finished reading How to Rap: The Art & Science of the Hip-Hop MC by Paul Edwards. As essentially a book of quotes from the artists who know, I actually learned quite a lot from these pages and they definitely altered my own methods for the better.
Zeus was a Great Dane from Michigan who was famous for being named the "world's tallest dog" by the 2012 and 2013 Guinness Book of World Records. He was 7ft 3in long and 3ft 8in tall, and he went to doggy heaven today at age five from natural causes.

04 Sep
Another biggie was Joan Rivers, an American actress, comedian, writer, producer, and television star, who died after a medical induced coma at the age of 81. She had a good run.
More Great Dane news as a dog was reported around here to have nearly died after eating 43 socks. It thankfully survived just fine, silly pup!

05 Sep
Simone Sherise Battle was an American singer who made it to the finals of The X Factor in 2011. She killed herself today at age 25.

08 Sep
Announced around here was that the Duchess of Cambridge and Prince William were pregnant with their second child. Oh yeah, you guys been buuuusssyyyyy.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (33/50): Sometimes I go to the urinal just so I can look at my penis for a while.

09 Sep
Big Apple announcement as the iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus were officially unveiled during a press event today. They also surprised everyone with the Apple Pay mobile payment platform and the Apple Smartwatch, all the while the fan boys fainted and jizzed all over each other.
During that same Apple announcement, U2 revealed their thirteenth studio album, Songs of Innocence, which was released (read: forced) into every iTunes store customer's device free of charge. With over 500 million people receiving the album instantaneously, it was called "the largest album release of all time," but hardly anyone was happy, labelling it an invasion without consent. Eventually Apple had to release a tool which could remove the record from users' libraries. Personally, I thought the whole thing was pretty cool, no press is bad press anyway.

10 Sep
My biggest personal project of the year was the long-awaited and long-worked-on Coming Down Happy EP Fear Of Telephones. It didn't get much attention, but I was very happy with it, a totally different style to anything I'd done before and a perfect audio representation of my 2014 misery. I listen to it all the time because someone has to.
I bought a puppet monkey! His name is Collin! Look at him!!!
Scientists discover a hidden complex of monuments under Stonehenge, indicating the site once featured many other structures, some up to a depth of 10 feet. Exciting!
Hurricane Odile was the most intense landfalling tropical cyclone on the Baja California peninsula during the satellite era, alongside Hurricane Olivia in 1967. 11 people directly died, four indirectly, with a damage toll of $1.05 billion.
Richard Dawson Kiel was an American actor best known for his role as Jaws in the James Bond franchise. He died today from coronary artery disease, three days shy of his 75th birthday.

11 Sep
Oscar Pistorius is found guilty of the manslaughter of girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp.
Primal Scream guitarist Robert Young dies at age 49, for reasons unknown.
Andrea Marongiu, the drummer for Crystal Fighters, dies today from heart failure.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (34/50): Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me, even though you were just trying to help.

12 Sep
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (35/50): You know when people let Jesus into their heart? But then they get old and die of a heart attack? Isn't that embarrassing for the church?

16 Sep
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (36/50): Yes, I pray every day. But it's normally just to say "OH GOD PLEASE HELP ME, JESUS I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS, OH LORD CHRIST, FUCK, PLEASE".

17 Sep
In an attempt to fight off my still regularly occurring panic attacks, I quit coffee today and have only had one cup since then.
Round about here a girl named Jasmine Tridevil went viral for getting a third boob implanted in the middle of her other boobs. Many have said it’s fake, but either way, pretty dumb. Still would tho.
iOS8 released.

18 Sep
The Scottish independence referendum took place today, where voters voted on whether Scotland should become an independent country or not. Thankfully (imo) the "No" option ruled with a 55.3% win. The turnout of 84.6% was the highest recorded for an election or referendum in the United Kingdom since the introduction of universal suffrage.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (37/50): I'm so British now, I actually apologised to the tube doors when they slammed on me this morning.

20 Sep
Today was the day Emma Watson delivered her much praised feminist speech at the UN, mainly calling out to men to advocate for gender equality. Her focus on both of the sexes hit just the right spot and everyone cheered the Harry Potter girl.
Polly Bergen was an American actress, singer, television host, writer, and entrepreneur. She won Emmys and Tony Awards and Golden Globes, as well as writing a bunch of books and starring in Cape Fear. She died of natural causes today at age 84.

22 Sep
The United States and several Arab partners begin their airstrike campaign in Syria.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (38/50): The problem with being poetic is that it doesn't Google Translate very well.

24 Sep
Launched my second Worst to Best blog ever, this time focusing on Kevin Smith. Didn't do nearly as well as the Ghibli one, but was a further hint as to how far I am willing to rape this format.

25 Sep
Irish teenagers Ciara Judge, Émer Hickey and Sophie Healy-Thow (all 16) win the Google Science Fair 2014 by introducing a natural nitrogen-fixing bacteria into cereal crops which were found to yield up 74% greater drymass. What have you done with you life?

26 Sep
Thom Yorke does things differently once again by releasing his solo album Tomorrow’s Modern Boxes via Bittorrent. It was downloaded a million times over 6 days, for £6 a pop.
The 2014 World Summit of Nobel Peace Laureates is announced to be suspended after a boycott to refuse the visa of the 14th Dalai Lama by China.

28 Sep
The Simpsons/Family Guy crossover was aired, and I laughed multiple times.

29 Sep
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (39/50): "You must've had a very fun weekend!" says my bank account.

Misc.
The ad-free social network Ello gained massive momentum this month, many hailing it as the new Facebook. Of course, nothing came of it.
At some point this month (I think), I quit putting salt on my food. Small thing for you, big thing for me.
Despite having a much faster death rate and infecting six times more people than Ebola, the September Cholera outbreak in Ghana went largely unreported. It grew to over 11,000 cases of infection this month.

Dear 2014, October: My 30th birthday celebrated at the Guinness Factory, Dublin; Snapchat gets hacked; Renée Zellweger looks different; Jack Bruce dies; Taylor Swift's 1989 sells more than everyone.

01 Oct
Something I should have done fuckloads forever ago, I finally said good riddance to the Lollywood house, packed up my bags and moved to Stratford. I now live with some very awesome people and one douchebag, and in many ways, this is when the depression began to lift and I felt much better about myself.
Before they released ten thousand pigeons for some public holiday celebration in China, each and every one of these creatures were given an anal examination just in case of a terrorist attack. That's ... uhm.

02 Oct
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (40/50): To all you lovely girls fighting against catcalling: do not fear! For soon you shall be old and we won't even look at you.
Without a doubt the entry you read above was my most controversial creation of 2014—a fucking tweet, of all things. A lot of people got the joke on Facebook (20 Likes don't lie), but a ton of people fired back, with comments such as "you're better than this and you don't really need to be provocative just for the sake of it"; "This is not funny Jared...!! I like you... but your better than this shit"; and "Your hurting people....with these words. And that's no victory". One of my friends publicly announced her upset with "I find your statuses ridiculous and offensive so delete and see ya probs never!" and then true to her word, promptly deleted me. But my reaction wasn't what anyone (including myself) expected, and instead through the chaos a little voice spoke out and whispered:
I remember now. I am the devil. I am here to do the devil's work. Offending people is exactly why I exist.
It was a great moment which handed me another piece of myself which I had long lost, and I used it to step up a rung on the ladder of healing, becoming a little more Jared than before. So thanks, you fuckers.

03 Oct
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (41/50): When shit hits the fan, the first thing you need to do is turn the fan off.

04 Oct
The first ever birth takes place from a transplanted womb. Science, bitch!

05 Oct
Harvard astrophysicists discuss making Pluto a planet again. Could you guys just make up your fucking mind already?? I doubt Pluto appreciates all this push and pull rejection, gawd!

06 Oct
Andrew Kerr was a co-founder of Glastonbury Fair, and he died today at age 80.

08 Oct
Finished reading The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. And in all honesty, quitting coffee and shoving medication in my face had nothing on this self help book. It taught me how to control my mind and not let silly thoughts define me nor stop me from progressing in my life. I honestly haven't had a single full-blown panic attack since I read it. There are still traces left and I have a while to go, but wow, I owe a lot to this dude, thanks Russ!!! Thanks a lot!!!!!
Perhaps this is a good point to say that around here, my year began to heal itself and everything felt soooo much better, even good at times. The old me was merging into the new me. I even sorta made amends with New Girl, the guy she fooled around with, and the ex-housemate about this time. Thank God, 2014, that we finally decided to get along! I don't think I could have handled our animosity much longer!
Alice Glass quits Crystal Castles. Damnit it all to hell, I'm depressed again now.
The very first diagnosed Ebola patient in the USA, Thomas Eric Duncan, dies today at age 41.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (42/50): Have more fun next time you take a really big poo, and imagine yourself as a giant tube of toothpaste.

09 Oct
The Snappening happened, where hundreds of thousands of Snapchat photos got hacked and leaked, many of which included naked children. Uh oh, better not download that one, Jared.
Paintings of wild animals and hand markings left on cave walls in Indonesia are reanalysed, and estimated to be at least 35,000 years old, making them some of the oldest artworks known, suggesting art itself came out of Africa. This was, of course, until December...
Finished reading A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini. Fucking wow, such a crazy eye-opening tale about the horrors of living as a female during the Afghanistan Taliban period. So many emotions, so well written, and beyond captivating. Right up there with the best books I read this year, easily.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (43/50): The best responsive design I've ever seen is my own penis.

10 Oct
Went and saw Future of the Left at The Garage. Was fucking epic, I love this band! I even got to meet Julia Ruzicka, their bassist, she so fly.
17 year old Pakistani child education activist Malala Yousafzai won the Nobel Peace Prize, the youngest recipient ever.
Round about here Amanda Bynes (via Twitter) backtracked her earlier comments about her father mentally, physically and even sexually abusing her as a child. She then went on to claim that a microchip in her head made her say those things. I love her.

14 Oct
Today Viner pg bree uploaded a video of himself singing a lyric from Frank Ocean's Thinkin Bout You, in which he mistakenly says the word “potato” instead of “tornado”. The internet reacted as the internet reacts, and various people tied potatoes to their ceiling fans, the “Potato Flew Around My Room” meme now existing. It's fairly unknown but I find it hilarious.
The 2014 Nepal snowstorm disaster came along around here and killed at least 43 people. The incident was said to be Nepal's worst trekking disaster ever.
Isaiah Randolph "Ikey" Owens was a Grammy Award winning keyboardist known for his work with The Mars Volta and Jack White. As you already guessed, he died today, at age 39 from a heart attack.

15 Oct
Had my appraisal and got a raise. Ah yes, thank you 2014.

16 Oct
My 30th birthday! And let the celebrations begin, starting by getting drunk at my local pub with my work mates. Aw yeahhh!

17 Oct
After watching Gone Girl by myself, the 30th birthday celebrations continue with my friends surprising me at a pub and then taking me to karaoke. It was so much fun, I really felt the love, Happiness is.

18 Oct
And then the highlight of my 30th celebrations: after like three hours sleep, me and some close mates went to Dublin for 12 hours. We toured the Guinness factory (store house actually) as well as the oldest pub in Ireland. I broke my record by drinking 10 Guinness, with plenty of shots between. I got so fucking drunk that I don't remember the flight home, got into a fight with people, shouted, laughed, cried, shat myself, smashed my phone, all the motions, everything you could ever want in a birthday. Thanks dudes!
One of the last remaining seven Northern white rhinos died today, leaving the species even closer to extinction :(

19 Oct
And here the final part of the 30th celebrations took place in Camden, where a very hungover Jared drank his pain away, met Frank Turner, and ended up staying awake well in to the next day. Probably the best birthday of my life, thanks to everyone involved, 2014 I see your point now.

20 Oct
Just in time for Back To The Future next year, the hoverboard gets announced.
Renée Zellweger turns up at ELLE’s 21st annual Women In Hollywood Awards, and her face looks like a completely different person's face.
Paul McCarthy makes a tree sculpture in Paris, but it looks exactly like a butt plug, and sensitive anal people were upset.

21 Oct
Today Oscar Pistorius receives a prison sentence of a maximum five years. People were upset but I didn't have much of an opinion because I wasn't at his house when he killed his girlfriend, were you?
Reported around here: 26 year old Chinese Tan Shen was depressed after a break up and decided to spend a week in KFC.

22 Oct
Today it was confirmed that all seven members of S Club 7 would reunite for the BBC Children in Need telethon. Do I care? Yes I care!

23 Oct
Finished reading The Power of Charm (How to Win Anyone Over in Any Situation) by Brian Tracy and Ron Arden. Most of it was common knowledge but it was nice to have it all in one place and it probably made some difference or other.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (44/50): When I die, please bury me with scratch marks on the ceiling of my coffin.

25 Oct
John Symon Asher "Jack" Bruce was the awesome musician we mostly know and love as a member of the British rock trio Cream. He died of liver disease today at aged 71. Definite shit one.

27 Oct
Taylor Swift releases her album 1989, which debuts at number one with 1.278 million copies sold in its first week. This is the highest debut sales for an artist since 2002's The Eminem Show and the second highest debut for a female ever, behind only Britney Spears' Oops!... I Did It Again. First (and as far as I know, only) platinum album of 2014.

28 Oct
A montage video was uploaded to YouTube highlighting how many times a female is harassed within 10 hours on the streets on New York city. It had a good point essentially, but anything that popular will inevitably distort and rise up, in this case in the form of many parody/spin off videos along with accusations of racism due to the clip featuring majority black and latino men. Regardless, close to 40 million hits can't be wrong.

29 Oct
BAM FUCKER, paid off my credit card already.
Young Fathers' very interesting album Dead wins the 2014 Mercury Prize. I was very surprised by this, but once again commend the organisation for not bowing to any trends.

31 Oct
Perfect Halloween, went and watched Esben and the Witch, and Sólstafir at Tufnell Park Dome. Sound was terrible, but a very exciting gig all the same. At least that's what I remember, I got very drunk.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (45/50): If God is omnipresent, he must be really shit at hide-and-seek. Checkmate, Christians.

Misc.
Sometime during this month, I began mediation as yet another weapon against my anxiety. I'm not very good at it, still learning, but it is highly enjoyable and beneficial, and I look forward to carrying this practice into the rest of my life.

Dear 2014, November: Rosetta '​s Philae lands on comet but everyone focuses on Matt Taylor's shirtstorm; I start a band; Kim Kardashian shows off her gigantic ass; Russell Brand Parklife; I become a vegetarian.

01 Nov
Wayne Static was the lead vocalist of Static-X and he died today at 48. Everyone figured it was a drug overdose because that's what rockstars do, but apparently it wasn't so I dunno.

02 Nov
Today Twitter user @auscalum tweeted a picture of a Target employee named Alex because she thought he was really hot. Within 24 hours, the tweet gained over 1,000 retweets and 2,000 favorites, and the Alex from Target superstar was born.
The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change warns that the world faces "severe, pervasive and irreversible" damage from global emissions of CO2.
Larry Latham was an American animator known for his work on TaleSpin, Gummi Bears, Chip ‘n Dale, DuckTales, Bonkers, Scooby-Doo, Smurfs, My Little Pony ‘n Friends, Spider-Man, The Tick etc. He died from cancer today at age 61.

03 Nov
Taylor Swift removes all her music from Spotify, which I wholeheartedly disagree with. Give us a better music model, Taylor, and I'll jump on board, but as it stands you're fighting a dying war. Oh well, guess I'll just torrent your catalogue then.
Arguably the most encouraging creative day of my life was this one. A few weeks before, Neil Gaiman had retweeted about a competition run by The Scottish Book Trust, where writers were challenged to come up with a ghost story in 50 words or less. I entered, and I won! See the October 2014 entry here. They sent me a mug as a prize, but as if this and the glory wasn't enough, I tweeted about my victory to Neil himself, and he retweeted that! I think my dick grew bigger that day.
And then after a lot of thinking, I decided to shut down the Help Jared Woods Meet Lily Allen website because it cost money and the whole thing was over ages ago. But never fear, you can still access it here.

04 Nov
For the month of November I decided I wanted to experiment with Juice Nothing video album reviews, and released the first one today for Grouper's Ruins.
​Oregon and Alaska become the third and fourth states to fully legalize marijuana, and Washington, D.C. followed suit, allowing stoners to possess up to two ounces of pot, although sales are still illegal.
Twitter users start responding to comedian Russell Brand's rants with the word "Parklife!", a reference to Blur's hit of the same name. But being the smart bastard he is, he got the last laugh. It is his profession, after all.
And with this, his persistent political activity in the media, and his continuously updated YouTube channel The Trews, I crown Mr Brand as the King of 2014. Congratulations, sir.
Bought the iPhone 6 today!

06 Nov
After drunkardly eating a very dodgy burger on the streets of Stratford, I swore off meat and haven't touched the stuff since. I am a veggie now, it's true. Honestly, I feel very proud of my decision and can't imagine going back. The meat industry is unethical and the food you eat is full of fear. Love animals people!
Silk Road is an online black market known for selling illegal drugs, and today, it got shut down. I mean, it was bound to happen surely.

09 Nov
Raymond Almiran Montgomery, Jr. was an American author, most notably a key figure in the Choose Your Own Adventure interactive children's book series. He died today at age 78. Bleak, I used to love those books.

11 Nov
Finished reading Bob Dylan Chronicals Volume One by, uhm, Bob Dylan. It wasn't what I expected (I wanted the dirt on his personal life, of course, and this wasn't that), but I was far from disappointed purely because of the master poet's incredibly unique grasp on the English language. The whole thing reads like one long Dylan song, and that alone deserves your attention.

12 Nov
Rosetta '​s Philae lander made the first landing on a comet nucleus (67P) today, and everyone rejoiced.
Well, that is everyone except some angry feminists, who ignored this feat of ingenuity and rather focused on scientist Matt Taylor's shirt of all things, which featured cartoon images of women without much clothing on, made for him by his (female) friend. It became known as the shirtstorm and what should have the greatest day in Taylor's life was filled with so much online abuse and overly-sensitive cyberbullying, that he ended up crying in apology. Personally, this was the moment I realised how far the viciousness and humourlessness of modern day feminism had gone, and I swore it off from this moment onward. Even Boris Johnson defended the guy, comparing the critics to "Islamist maniacs".
Kim Kardashian showed us her huge ass on this day for for the cover of Paper Magazine. The site's traffic reached 6.6 million views as a result, but I wasn't fooled. She still poos out of that thing like everyone else.
Round about today it was reported that Craig and Bridget Smeddle had murdered a guy. I knew Craig from the Pinelands rollerblading scene back in the day, and considering how much junk he shoved into his veins, I'm not all that surprised.
Went and watched my homeboys The Plastics play at Floripa, was lovely.
Finally, to end one incredibly newsworthy day, English actor Warren Alan James Clarke died in his sleep at age 67. He was best known for his role as 'Dim' in Stanley Kubrick's Clockwork Orange, maybe the best movie of all time, maybe maybe.

13 Nov
The second of my Juice Nothing album reviews was for Taylor Swift's 1989, and it was probably the best one. I was super drunk.

15 Nov
Today I posted the following Facebook status:
I'm bored, does anyone want to start a band?
The response was phenomenal, and because of it, a band was formed of sorts, with me (singer, bassist), Milz (singer), Andy (guitarist), and Mags (drummer). The power of modern technology, eh?

16 Nov
After a year of trying to find my own place and opinions in the feminist movement (and pissing many people off as I did so), I finally put together this rant which I hope is my last say on the matter, ever. It feels like it's out of my system now anyway.

17 Nov
I still have no idea what this was about, but I did some modelling for a charity involved with my work. I have never seen the pictures and dread the day I do.
Went and watched Nevermind the Buzzcocks live! I was in the studio! I saw behind the curtain! It was so fucking funny!!

18 Nov
Oxford Dictionary announces their word of the year is ... vape. Makes sense, I guess.
The third of my Juice Nothing album reviews was released today, for Foo Fighters' Sonic Highways. Some people agreed, other people didn't, but by this time I was already sick to death of the whole project and wanted out.
For the second time this year, my daddy visits me in London! It's my blog, I'll tell you whatever I want.

19 Nov
The first of my yearly regular pieces showed its face today, namely The 10 Worst Album Cover Artworks of 2014.
My work wins three PPA Digital Awards, including Digital Publisher of the Year. Because that's what we do.
Leon Weston "Pete" Harman was an American businessman best known for striking a deal with Colonel Sanders to open the first KFC franchise. He died today at 95.

20 Nov
Reported today was the bus which could travel from Bristol to Bath powered entirely by human poo and food waste. This is a good thing and a funny thing.
María del Rosario Cayetana Fitz-James Stuart y de Silva, the 18th Duchess of Alba de Tormes and a Grandee of Spain, was head of the House of Alba and the third lady to hold the title. She also held over 40 other hereditary titles, and according to Guinness World Records, was the most titled aristocrat in the world. She died today at 88.

23 Nov
Just over a week after the Facebook status, my new band had our first jam session. And it went really well! Thank God! A few more of these took place throughout the year, I am very optimistic about the whole project.
Band Aid 30’s Do They Know It’s Christmas reaches number one in the UK, becoming 2014’s fastest-selling single.
The 42nd American Music Awards today. Iggy Azalea won twice from her six nominations. One Direction won all three of their nominations. Beyoncé won two.

24 Nov
The Michael Brown protests continue, with even more fury after today when the grand jury decided not to indict the police officer who shot the man.

25 Nov
The fourth and final (and worst) of my Juice Nothing album reviews came today for TV On The Radio's Seeds. The whole project wasn't exactly a total fail, I learned a lot, was reminded how much I hate video editing, and I commend myself for seeing it through to the end. Here's to the next thing!
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (46/50): My signature move is pretending we've met before just in case we have.

26 Nov
The second of my yearly regular pieces came out today, namely The 10 Best Album Cover Artworks of 2014.
Rammstein finally bless Spotify! Hooray!

27 Nov
Phillip Joel Hughes was a cricketer who played for South Australia and Worcestershire. Today he was hit in the neck by a ball during a Sheffield Shield match at the Sydney Cricket Ground, causing a vertebral artery dissection that led to a subarachnoid haemorrhage. Apparently only 100 such cases have ever been reported, and this one proved to be fatal, Hughes passing three days before his 26th birthday.

28 Nov
Saw Mastodon at the O2 Academy Brixton. Granted, I was extremely pissed on snakebites, but fuck me, was one killer show from a band who don't exactly have the greatest live reputation.

29 Nov
Went and watched Anna Calvi and Morrissey at the O2 Arena. Calvi was incredible, such a treat, but Morrissey was average, focusing far too much on new material. I wanted the classics, mate! Still, huge tick on the bucketlist regardless.

Dear 2014, December: North Korea vs. The Interview; The Pirate Bay gets shut down; Joe Cocker dies; Bill Cosby allegedly rapes people; The Simpsons turn 25.

01 Dec
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (47/50): I'm sick to death of foreigners coming into this country and understanding more English words than me.

02 Dec
Robert Henry "Bobby" Keys was a saxophone player who performed with peeps like The Rolling Stones, Lynyrd Skynyrd, The Who, George Harrison, Eric Clapton, Joe Cocker, and many others. He died today from cirrhosis at age 70.

03 Dec
Ian Patrick 'Mac' McLagan was a keyboardist best known as a member of Small Faces, as well as some collaborations with the Rolling Stones. He died today from a stroke at the age of 69.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (48/50): Sometimes I stick my finger up my ass and then smell it, just to remind me of you.

04 Dec
Frank and Louie, sometimes referred to as Frankenlouie, was a diprosopus (aka "two-faced") cat, named by the Guinness Book of World Records as the longest surviving janus cat on record or something. Today cancer claimed its ninth life, at age 15.

05 Dec
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (49/50): Vinyl is groovy.

07 Dec
A simple zaggy formation was found carved in an Australian shell, a pattern as old as 540,000 years—300,000 years older than any other art found by humans or Neanderthals. Could this be the first example of art ever discovered? Or perhaps just teeth marks from a fish? I, for one, have no idea.
Kenneth Patrick "Ken" Weatherwax was a child actor, known almost exclusively for playing Pugsley Addams in the original The Addams Family black-and-white television series. He died from a heart attack today at the age of 59.

09 Dec
Police in Stockholm raid The Pirate Bay's servers which resulted in the site going down, and remaining down until this day. It means nothing really, because most other torrent sites reported a 5-10% increase in their traffic, proving that people are not going to just go outside and play when they can't illegally download shit from their usual source. You will never win, government.
Went and watched Decapitated and Behemoth at The Forum. Oh my fuck, what a show, I felt the devil all over me, one of the top three 2014 shows easily.
Despite existing since last year, it was on this day that Imgur user Zechling uploaded a large compilation album titled "How to Javert", and the Javert Reaction Gif became one of the final memes of the year to explode.
In other news, a Chinese man was so pissed off with his girlfriend's Christmas shopping, that he jumped over a shopping mall balcony and died after hitting the ground seven stories below.

10 Dec
Jay Z wins a court battle over the use of the word 'oh' in Run This Town, one syllable which was sampled without permission from Eddie Bo’s song Hook and Sling. This was a landmark win for music, because imagine Jay lost? Where would it end?

14 Dec
Angalifu was one the last six living northern white rhinoceroses in the world, one of two living males in the world, and the second one to die this year, at age 44. Shit is looking real bad for these dudes :(

15 Dec
An armed gunman stormed a cafe in Martin Place, Australia, and during the hostage standoff, displayed an Islamic flag in the cafe's window. Naturally, a lot of Australia's Islamic community felt very nervous about what consequences would come of this, but instead they had nothing to fear as many Australians reacted in the most beautiful way I have ever seen. They banded together and created the Twitter hashtag #IllRideWithYou, inviting the Muslim folks to find them on public transport and providing them with safety. Seriously, the world is not going to shit, it's an amazing place sometimes.

16 Dec
After North Korea supposedly hacked Sony's website and threatened to kill everyone who watched The Interview, Sony announced that they would no longer be screening the movie. This surrender to terrorism resulted in a lot of pressure from The White House and others, and so they eventually released it to a limited amount of theatres and some streaming services, ultimately leaking not long after. Of course, some people (including me) wondered if this wasn't just some elaborate promotion stunt, and if so, genius!

17 Dec
Barack Obama announces the move to normalise diplomatic and economic ties between Cuba and the U.S. About time, really.
Simpsons 25th anniversary!

18 Dec
Generally my most praised blog piece of the year, The Top 50 Albums of 2014 was launched today. Once again, people really vibed to it, and that made me a happy little boy.

22 Dec
Finished reading Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers. It's not what I thought it was going to be (I was hoping for a public speaking guide), but as with every self help book, it had a few a-ha moments and was a great refresher on being a positive person.
John Robert "Joe" Cocker, OBE was a musician best known for his cover versions of popular songs. He died today from lung cancer at age 70.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2014 (50/50): I don't suffocate fools lightly.

23 Dec
After 13 years of marriage, Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton announce their split. I just wonder who gets custody of Johnny Depp. Hahaha! I wish I could take credit for that joke.

25 Dec
I got laid! Merry Fucking Christmas!

27 Dec
The Times crown Nigel Farage as their Briton of the Year. I'm not sure a single person was happy with this besides Farage himself.

28 Dec
Just when we thought it was over, Indonesia AirAsia Flight 8501 went missing today, en route to Singapore with 155 passengers and 7 crew on board. I've lost count now.
The fantastic Mark Ronson song Uptown Funk (ft. Bruno Mars) gets streamed 2.49 million times this week, breaking its own previous record of 2.34 million. It is the only song in history to break the 2 million stream mark in one week, in the UK.

30 Dec
Launched this very blog, and you (somehow) read it. Thank you!!

Misc.
As of late December 2014, at least 28 women have come forward and accused Bill Cosby of raping and/or sexually assaulting them. Cosby, naturally, declined to comment but might have said something like "hipsquee zipzop zoopity bubnup". What a wonderful way to end the year.



Well, that was a painful reflection, partially due to the content, partially due to the volume of the fucking content, Jesus. BUT! Look at how we did! We made friends, you and me, 2014! You opened doors and guided a long fall of torment and suffering to land gently on top of a large pillow made out of relief and potential! I just hope I did ok.

And all the whining aside, together we made some decent shit. Wrote 12 of the best blogs I've ever created. Wrote a short story. Wrote, recorded, and released seven songs. Visited two countries. Read 17 books, which is some sort of a record for me. Made four video reviews. Saw 23 bands live, which is huge by anyone's standards. Progressed in my company. My blog had a record breaking year, meaning I am more famous than ever. Made a fuckload new friends. Met a few celebs. Worked on various other behind-the-scenes projects which wouldn't get released next year if it wasn't for your input. Plus I got laid quite a lot which is important to a man like me, because my balls are overly ambitious factories of semen which require me to have sex regularly for the safety of others. Not to mention I became a lot more health conscious, stopped eating defenseless animals, and my bedroom has started to look quite fancy, if I do say so myself

Perhaps this was your cunning plan all along. Things can't always be brilliant, and maybe we both took one for the team here, allowing the unavoidable feelings of anguish to run their course during our relationship, and in turn, building a much more impenetrable person within myself to ensure that no matter what 2015 throws at me, I can make a game of it. Is it selfish to think like this? If it is, I am sorry, but having shed my skin of self pity, I still must thank you for the journey.

So, if you could, please let 2015 know I am ready. If he wants to shake hands immediately and strike a deal, I would love to grow a partnership in which we take over everything. I want to exercise harder to become more healthy, and I want to read more self-help books to become smarter than my associates. I want to find the girl who has as many projects as I do, and I want us to be each other's biggest fans, ultimately collaborating and falling in love. I want to travel to places I've never seen and have more money than I can spend while I do so. I want my music to go viral, for Universal to sign me, for my fiction to become best-selling. I want to win a Grammy, I want to be interviewed by Oprah, I want an asteroid named after me. I want Derren Brown to hypnotise me, I want to fuck a ladyboy, I want to stop taking drugs, I want to stop eating sugar. You know, simple stuff like that. Just speak to him, will you? See what he says.

In a few years, I think I will remember you, 2014, a lot more than most. It was the year I was shoved into a blender and survived. And, in a weird personified way, I can almost see you smile as you did that, perhaps in a sadistic manner, but perhaps in a loving one—the condescending parental smirk, the one that knows best. Maybe this was preparation, and if so, I am in your debt.

If not, however, then you can fuck right off chap. It was a terrible fucking year, for reals.

Love you forever,
Jared