Showing posts with label Sexual Intercourse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sexual Intercourse. Show all posts

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

How To Fuck Girls And Not Cheat On Your Girlfriend

Please note: this blog was written particularly with heterosexual males in mind, but I think just by changing a few gender specific words here and there, it could apply to anyone.

How To Fuck Girls And Not Cheat On Your Girlfriend
Around late August 2011, I launched one of my most “praised” blogs ever, which was a guide on How To Fuck Boys And Not Be Gay, totally risking everyone’s views on my sexuality and scaring my homophobic friends across the globe. Due to its success (and also to rectify my masculinity) I figured now would be a good time to write a continuation to that article, except this round keeping it a bit more MANLY - the brother blog, if you will. And this is it.

But before I get to it, there is something I need to address (as if I haven’t spoken about this to death already). I have a girlfriend, and I would never fuck other girls behind her back. I don’t say this because I am avoiding trouble or that these rules don’t apply to me - because they absolutely do. No, the reason why I would never cheat on my partner, is because no other girl is hot enough. Believe me, I spent 25 years searching for a lady who wasn’t so fucking ugly and stupid, and so far only my girlfriend is even remotely in my league. I would have to drastically drop my standards just to fuck someone else, and why would I do that? Why are all other girls so repulsive anyway?

Anyway, enough about me. Let’s discuss you, and how you can do naughty things behind your lover's back 100% GUILT FREE! Because (and let’s be honest) your bitch is already cheating on you right now. Girls know all of this stuff - never forget who the real enemy is, and enjoy your new life.

Rule#1: Three’s Company Too
The movie Road Trip was funny in that mindless-popcorn-16-year-old kinda way, but it did have some interesting information when it came to the rules of cheating. For one, the whole “It's not cheating if you spread peanut butter on your balls and let your dog lick it off - because it’s your dog!” is absolutely true. But besides that example, most of what was said was complete bollocks. That is, except for this one fantastic stand-out piece of wisdom: “Let's say that you were sleeping with two girls at the same time - it wouldn't be cheating because they would cancel each other out.” This is simple Maths. The negative act of cheating (-) multiplied (x) with another negative act of cheating (-) equals (=) a positive (+). Another equation which works is that the blame is shared between 3 people, therefore you are only 1/3rds guilty rather than 1/2, which does not round off to a full-on cheat. You see? Maths saved your relationship once again.
It goes even deeper than Mathematics though, as cheating itself is generally considered an emotional sin against your lover. But with two girls, it is purely a physical act. This is because no man could keep 2 girls emotionally happy. Hell, I’d struggle to keep 2 girls physically happy, and I have a very large penis. Regardless, I predict the whole thing would be guilt free anyways, and something you would be proud of rather than ashamed of. Something you would simply have to tell your friends about. Something your girlfriend would inevitably find out anyway because you couldn’t keep your fat mouth shut. In fact, if you were half a man, you’d go straight home, look your girlfriend in her eyes and say “Honey, I banged two bitches last night!” because that is something only a special kind of guy could pull off. And special guys are keepers.

Rule#2: Achololololol
All too often when people get caught cheating, their response is “Yeah, but I was drunk!” Wait, is that supposed to make me feel better? You drink every day, bitch! So must I now assume that every time you drink, our relationship is at risk just because your judgement is a bit impaired? Fuck that! Getting drunk and messing around with someone else is cheating! Stop your crap.
However, if you were so out of it the night before that you wake up next to someone with no clue of what happened, then it didn’t happen. You need to love yourself a little more and give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Oh, the girl said you slept together? She’s lying. Oh, there’s a semen filled condom floating in the toilet? Not yours, it was always there. You are not like that. You wouldn’t cheat. You are a good person. Get dressed, leave, swear off alcohol, never think of it again.
However, if you find yourself in the cheating position without the alcohol crutch to lean on, just avoid eye contact the whole time you are doing the deed. It works much in the same way. You didn’t see anything, what’s everyone on about?

Rule#3: Salt In The Wound
The very root of all cheating troubles stem from a girl’s insecurities about your actions. Trust or something. But let’s say you slept with a far mid-50 year old woman with 3 fingers missing. Is that cheating? Hell no - that’s a fucking disgusting joke. No one in their right mind would be bothered by this except yourself, which in turn would result in you loving and appreciating your girlfriend even more, trying desperately to erase what you have done. If your girlfriend found out, she would probably just laugh in your fucking face and break up with you because you dropped a league - not anything to do with cheating. This applies to anyone who is in a significantly less standard than your girlie. Ugly is one reason. Mentally handicapped may be another. And what about prostitution? That is surely not cheating because you had to pay just to get laid at the end of the day, and that’s pretty funny. Isn't spending hard earned cash for vagina what your girlfriend is for anyway?
In this vein, I think acts of homosexuality for a heterosexual man are not cheating either. It’s like if your girlfriend fucks another girl, is it really so bad? It’s just people being all weird and experimental and stuff, and everyone knows no cock could replace a vagina for a straight man. Sexuality 101, yo.

Ugly Girls Don't Count
Rule#4: It Takes Two To Tango
A wank is not cheating, but why is that? If you break it down, it becomes fair to conclude that the act of infidelity requires a partner of sorts, who isn’t your girlfriend. It’s like a 50/50 deal, meeting halfway and getting the job done. But what if you don’t exactly meet halfway? Examples of this would include a situation where you do not ejaculate. How could that be cheating? That’s a cock tease right there (and probably serves you right) so no need to feel any guilt buddy. You probably feel bad enough as it is. Conversely, what if only you cum? This works particularly well if there is no kissing or hugging or expressions of affection - just you cumming. The best way to achieve this (which is slightly against the title of this blog, but I’ll allow it) is where there is no fucking at all. Like a hand-job. Or a blow-job. Yeah, a blow-job! FUCKING LOVE BLOW-JOBS! For they are nothing more than an aided wank with swallowed evidence, and a wank is not cheating. This girl just did you a favour - she got nothing out of it, no harm done.
And while we're on the topic, is anal really cheating? It’s just her bum after all, right? I’m not too sure about this one yet though, but I will keep you posted.

Rule#5: Time Travel
Have you ever not done something sexual you really wanted to do, which to this day fills you with so much regret and shame that you wish you could go back in time and do it? Of course you have. I have, like, a thousand of these examples - I’m a very naughty boy. Well, worry no more! Believe it or not, you can time travel to ensure you do everything sexual you ever wanted, and yet still not cheat. For example, say there was the hottest girl in High School who sat a few seats away from you in maths class and she was beautifully tanned and her name was Pascal. She blew bubble gum, played on her phone, and laughed with her friends... all the while you just watched from a distance. You’d follow her home just to get better wank material for alone time. You’d collect hairs from her desk to cast spells on her. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, the girl that was out of your league. You would never get her, because she only dated jocks who would slap your lower jaw off if they ever read your diary or blog.
Ok, get the image? Fast forward to now: you have money, you have an education, you have style, you have a girlfriend. And out of nowhere, this past girl you have imagined fucking a thousand times is suddenly drunk and trying to put her tongue in your ear. Hey man, listen to me - you OWE it to your past self to fuck this vagina. Your teenage version would kill you if you passed it up! This is not cheating, dude - this is taking what you deserved all those years ago! And you can save it into your memory accordingly, filling a gap in your timeline which was always your destiny to full, nothing to do with present time or relationships.
As if your mind wasn’t already exploding from the vast knowledge I am presenting here (for free, I might fucking add) there is yet another way to time travel. This is when you fuck someone that you have already fucked before. Therefore, it is not a new memory, so you can freely place it somewhere else in your history and move on. It’s all about convincing yourself at the end of the day. And if your girlfriend asks “Did you fuck your ex, Barbara?” you can reply with all confidence “I have fucked her before, yes.” And if she asks “And recently?” you can reply with all confidence “not recently, no” because, really, what does recently mean? The last 5 minutes? 30 seconds? And if she asks “When you were out last night and you bumped into Barbera, did you go home and fuck her?” you can reply with all confidence “Baby, I’m not sure who you think I am, but you must understand that me and Barbara have been together before and there is a reason why we are not together now. It was nice to see her, but now I have come home to you and only you. So please can we stop these accusations and just love each other?”
Because nothing you said there was a lie.

Rule#6: Let’s Do The Timewarp Again
This one is so straightforward that it has become a cliché, and once again involves you accepting yourself as the master of time. “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” you ever heard that one? It’s, like, a law. The same has also been said about Amsterdam too. And Thailand. In fact, you can substitute “Vegas” for anywhere you feel comfortable with. It actually goes even deeper than that, for example: “What happens on New Years...” Classic! Or birthdays - obviously it’s not cheating on your birthday! It’s your special day! Cheating on her birthday is definitely cheating though, don’t do that.
I also think it’s fair to say that if you fuck a girl whilst listening to, say, The Black Keys or Rihanna; or watching a Scarlett Johansson film or some porn... well, this wouldn’t be cheating either. How could it be? These are very delicate situations - who in their right mind could control themselves? You girlfriend would do it, is what I’m trying to say. She’d do it with me. Although fucking me is definitely not cheating either in any circumstance, for I am irresistible.

There are a thousand reasons why this wouldn't be cheating
Rule#7: An Honest Mistake
Everybody makes mistakes, that is what makes us monkeys. But I am not one for using that as an excuse if you can’t keep your cock to yourself. “Oh, it was a mistake, forgive me,” fuck off, you totally did that on purpose, we all know it. However, there are some interesting ways around this. For example: a twin sister. Yeahhhhh. If your girlfriend has a twin, then it really isn’t your fault if you get a bit confused, it’s actually the said twins fault. The same goes for a very similar looking sister. Or even a mom. You could blame darkness, or alcohol again for this one. “Baby, I thought it was you!” You’d still be in shit, but you did not cheat. This works particularly well if you actually call the [twin/sister/mom/granny/somewhat-resembling-brunette] your girlfriend’s name in bed. In fact, as a fail safe, every slut you sleep with you should call your girlfriend’s name in bed, because then you were not cheating. How could it be cheating if you were thinking about your girlfriend while fucking someone else? I don’t know. As long as you wash your cock afterwards, there is no issue.
Another addition to your armoury is if you do the deed in front of your girlfriend. Just use the “oops, I missed” excuse. Works like a charm, every time.

Rule#8: If It Wasn’t For Date Rape
It goes without saying that if you get raped, you didn’t cheat. That’s common knowledge, it’s tragic and not funny. But depending on how well you know Satan (and I know him very well), you can use this theory to your advantage. For example: spike your own drink. Any girl who fucks you is taking advantage of a roofied man! That is pretty pointless though, because you wouldn’t remember it. And have you ever tried to get an erection on rohypnol? IMPOSSIBLE, MATE.
Ok, how about this one: while you are getting busy with this girl who isn’t your girlfriend, gently whisper the magic word “no”. OH! THERE YOU GO! You said no. RAPE!! For extra legit points: press charges on the bitch!

Rule#9: Virgins Don’t Count
I’m sorry, they just don’t. Neither do celebrities now that we’re on the topic of “it’s-never-gonna-happen-buddy-but-if-it-does-happen-do-not-let-it-pass-you-by”. Because any decent girlfriend would give you a high-five for this, not a break-up.

Rule#10: The Golden Loophole
And here it is: the easiest way out. If your girlfriend never EVER finds out, it isn’t cheating, because in life you are only cheating if you get caught. Conversely, if she does find out, admit to it right away, because then you are being honest, and cheaters are liars by definition. The whole act of cheating is a trust thing, but by coming clean immediately, you prove you are still trustworthy. In summary: do everything you can to keep her from becoming suspicious, and then if she confronts you, be completely open about it. Using this method, you are sinless no matter what you do. I mean, don’t expect the girl to stay with your dirty-ass, but you can go to sleep at night knowing you did the right thing. Sort of.

There is a word of caution with all of this: use a condom. Vaginas are weird things, but the absolute allure and unique beauty of the moist flaps can confuse our hard-wiring. Make no mistake - vaginas can hurt you! They can swallow your dick forever! They can spit out babies that resemble you and demand money! Yes, maybe you can run from pregnancies, but you can’t run from the creeping syphilis chewing holes into your ballsack. Now try explain THAT to your girlfriend. She won’t dig it bro, and she’ll tell people.

Tune in next week where I’ll tell you how to brutally rape and murder your best-friend’s girlfriend and yet still remain buddies. Until then, take care of yourselves, and each other.

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Tuesday, 30 August 2011

How To Fuck Boys And Not Be Gay

Note: This blog is aimed at straight males, not girls or gay men, smartass.
Also, some of this article may come across as homophobic. Believe me, it’s all in the name of comedy, and if you are boy who loves da cock, I’m sure you can tell that offending you was never my intention. Otherwise, just email me and tell me about your feelings.

There Are Ways To Fuck Boys And Not Be Gay
I think it’s fair to start by saying that I’ve never fucked a boy before. Hell, I’ve never even touched a penis that wasn’t mine before. And besides my Doctor and I’m sure my parents (when I was younger, not in a sexual way, I hope) there is only one man that has experienced the joy of touching my magnificent cock. His name was Mike, and immediately after he placed his index finger and thumb onto my pee-hole, he shoved a needle right through the middle, giving me my Prince Albert piercing. This I wore with pride for 5 years or so until my then girlfriend told me it hurt her bum. So I took it out.

What I’m getting at is this - I’m not gay. Not because I am opposed to the idea mind you, but because I haven’t found the right boy yet, you dig? Ha, no seriously, I’m not gay. However, I have come up with the following 10 rules which would allow any man to experience a little homosexuality without jeopardising his heterosexuality. But if at any time this article makes you feel uncomfortable, you might want to ask yourself... what part of your sexuality makes you feel this way? Hey, faggot? Here are the rules:

Rule#1: First Time’s Free
There are people out there (as in here) who are experimental by nature. They want to try everything at least once because they recognize that life is short and its very essence lies in experiences. This, more often than not, includes many weird and wonderful sexual acts, which could very well involve messing around with your same gender just a little. Look, if you’re sucking cock and getting rammed every weekend and trying to maintain that you love vag, then you are lying to yourself buddy. But if you've always wondered why you feel a strange spark from the guy behind the counter at McDonalds, I reckon you might as well give it a shot. I mean, it’s not gay, it’s experimental, and just another dark secret for your book of dark secrets.

Rule#2: What Happened Last Night?
If one night you find yourself on the dance-floor of some squat party; you’ve drank so much alcohol that you’ve already pissed yourself; you’ve swallowed more pills than you can remember; that gram of cocaine mysteriously disappeared into your face; and then suddenly you find yourself connecting on a deeper level with some stranger of the same sex... well, you wouldn’t be the first one. And if you end up going back to their place and partaking in some naughty adult scenarios, I wouldn’t over-think it too much. You’re not gay, you’re just totally mashed, and I think this is probably one of the most common forms of hetero-slips-homo. And in all honesty, the confusion and guilt you feel the next day will be enough torture - you don’t need to start questioning your sexuality on top of that.

Rule#3: Take One For The Team
I’m not afraid to say that I’ve kissed boys before, WHAT OF IT? If you knew me you would assume this to be the case anyway, among many other worse things which aren’t true, but I’ll pretend are true just to sound cool. However, none of these acts have been homosexual, and that is because of two specific rules on this list. The first of these two rules is this one: girls love it. Look, if I’m in a room with two girls (or more) and another guy, and shit starts to get freaky, I have no worries and I am open to whatever. All the porn I watch is that way anyway, one big mash-up of people of all genders, races, ages and disabilities. Who’s leg is that? Is that her arm? Which hole is that one? Is that even legal? I love that crazy shit man. The point is, it’s not gay, it’s a fucking party, and if some girl is getting pleasure out of it somehow, I'm all for it. Everything I do, I do it for the pussy anyway.

Rule#4: The Show Must Go On
The second of these two rules I previously mentioned is this one: any sexual act between two guys isn’t homo if it is done in front of people. Consider this: pretty much the gayest thing you can do in THE WORLD is to fuck boys in private and keep quiet about it, do you not agree? But if you fuck a boy in front of a load of people, it’s not gay, it’s a performance. And I would recommend this too, because it will FREAK YOUR FRIENDS THE FUCK OUT. However, if you feel this is too much, you can just film it. You are not gay, you are an actor! Bitches love actors.

Having Sex With This Guy Would Not Be Gay
Rule#5: Cross Wires
I imagine the general gay man to be attracted to stuff like stubble, a larger frame, a deep voice, a giant cock... you know, a man. However, if you suddenly find yourself balls deep into a pretty boy who by all means looks like a girl, do not fear! This proves you are even more straight than most men, because (a) you love the look of girls, and (b) you don’t fear penis. Because the fear of penis is directly related to homophobia is directly related to the homosexuality. You’re not gay, you were just a bit confused. The same goes for trannies, because chicks with dicks are still chicks... kinda. To a lesser degree, you could also argue that it’s not gay to fuck a really really hot guy, for example: me. Wanting to fuck me would not be gay, it would be understandable.
Rule#6: Star Above Your Bed
Almost in the same vein, it is definitely not gay if you fuck a celebrity. Personally, I would probably fuck Brian Molko. Or Topher Grace. Or River Phoenix, if he was still alive. Leonardo DiCaprio back in the day. Marilyn Manon just for lols. Johnny Depp, Justin Pearson, Michael Cera, David Bowie, Orlando Bloom, Anthony Kiedis, Zac Efron, Brandon Boyd, Russel Brand, Gerard Way, Paul McCartney... wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, boys. But I’d also fuck Jack Black, Boy George, or Rowan Atkinson... basically any celebrity. Why? It’s about the STORY people. You could even make money off that shit! Even the most homophobic of fucks would have to agree this is quite an achievement, because how the hell do you even manage something like this? Anybody? Please tell me, I need to know. I’m not gay, I just appreciate talent. And I’d be an idiot not to wrangle myself into a rich and famous person’s life, whatever the cost.

Rule#7: Send, Don’t Bend
What’s the difference between putting your willy inside of a girl’s ass or a guy’s ass? A little bit of hair? A lot of hair? Regardless, it is essentially exactly the same thing. Its primary function is to expel poo and it feels warm inside. I would even say that the same goes for blow-jobs. Basically, put your cock into anything that will have it, and the only thing that should stop you is if it’s illegal, unsafe or isn’t going to feel very nice. You are definitely not gay, you just like to ejaculate inside things, and that’s perfectly natural. On the other hand, if you are hiding penises in your bum-bum, or brushing your teeth with cocks daily, you are committing a homosexual act, and homosexual acts are gay.

Rule#8: Gay For Pay
This one ties in with #3 a little bit. There are many porn actors who participate in homosexual videos because it pays better, and then they get better girlfriends cos they buy them shit. This goes for everyone: if someone is paying you to do something sexual, as degrading as it may feel, you are not gay, you just like money. How is money gay? Especially when it’s just for half an hour of your time. And believe me when I say this: EVERYONE has their price.
But on the ugly side of this point (and it’s not very nice), is when the pay is your life. If there is a gun to your head, and you are forced to do some shit you aren’t too keen on, you’re not gay, you were raped. I know this paragraph wasn’t funny (and by God I hope this is never the case for you) but at the end of the day this is another way homosexual sex has taken place without affecting sexuality. And besides, it’s no worries anyway bro, at least you’re straight right? lol.

Rule#9: Sex And Violence
Some of you may disagree about this one, but I reckon that if you fuck a boy, it would justify the homo in you by beating the shit out of the person after ejaculation. This would work especially well if, while smashing the teeth out of their face with your fist, you call them derogatory terms like “Faggot” or “Pansy”, and then spit on them while they look up at you with bloody eyes. And if they whimper “but why?” just tell them that you’re not gay, you’re a macho heterosexual who just fucks boys on occasion mainly to hurt them, and he should just shut-up and get used to it. Actually wait, scrap this one.

Rule#10: Just Do It, You’re Not Gay
Basically, if you need an excuse to fuck a guy, you’re doing it all wrong. Fucking a guy doesn’t make you gay despite what your friends might think. Put it to you this way: if a gay guy fucks a girl (and almost every gay guy I know has done this) does that make him straight? How many girls do you know that have made out with other girls (and more)? Does that make them lesbo? Bisexual? No dude, sexuality is a much more complex thing, defined by a lot more than just actions. If you want to fuck a dude, just get it out your system, you’re not gay.

The truth is, as a white straight young male adult, I feel pretty excluded in life. There is nothing special about me, nothing in my life has ever been a minority. If you’re a black lesbian granny, you are so fucking awesome because you have basically stuck your finger up to life, and the history of your traits has risen from so much oppression that you win at everything and can be seriously proud of yourself. Part of me wishes I was gay, I would be so stoked, I would wear ladies underwear and go to the girl’s bathroom. I’d dress in pink and wear my make-up better than my girlfriends. Being gay is so hot right now. But instead, I am doomed to a life of boob-slavery, because boobs always win. I guess what I am getting at, (and if you remember nothing else from this article, remember this) my girlfriend is and forever will be hotter than yours. Now suck my balls.