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Thursday, 20 December 2012

Dear 2012,


While this letter could only be written now, I feel it is long overdue. For this is the first time in my life that I owe a measure of time, an apology.

You were always there for me, 2012, ready to provide awesomeness and to meet me halfway. You offered your hand on so many occasions, all smiles and unexpectant, and yet I was the bad friend. In all ways, you were the perfect source of love I could have tapped into, and yet I was distracted by my own selfishness. None of this was your fault. All of it was mine. But you knew this already, 2012, as we have discussed it many a recent winter night.

Needless to say, I must thank you. How we bonded near the end of your run was irreplaceable, and I am so grateful that I finally started to see things your way, eventually turning to the page you were waiting patiently for me to arrive on. And together, even in our times of disagreement, I think we achieved a lot. You were much more creative than your former, not only by quantity, but by quality too. The best, even. Thank you so much.

I could sum it all up by describing the entertainment you provided (special props to my obsession with Russell Brand, Breaking Bad, Misfits, New Girl, and Game Of Thrones) which included a lot more reading for me this round, and of course, the best music I've heard this decade. I could go on about my personal growth, which includes all the creative ventures I undertook, my human relationships, and how this was the year I finally stopped my 12 year daily marijuana habit. I could even point out all the things you did without me; the natural disasters, the celebrity deaths, and the first-of-a-kind events. But instead, I figured I needed to elaborate in depth about all of these things. Everything which made you special, good or bad. I might have gone a bit overboard, but fukkit, you were worth it, and I hope I do you justice here, by reminding myself and yourself (and everybody else) of what defined you as your own person. Or time. Or whatever. Here you go:


Dear 2012: January: SOPA Gets Fought, Bad Luck Brian Was Born, Seven Katy Perry Songs Hit The Top Spot, Blue Ivy Carter Is Born On The Billbaord, Gotye Sings Biggest Song Of The Year

01 Jan
Came into the year in much the same way a childbirth should be: completely off my tits, confused, but surrounded by the most important people in my life. It was at some house party (which is the only clever way to do New Years in the bitter London winter) and we wrecked the place despite not knowing the hosts.
In all honesty, I could not have been much happier. The promise of a new year always fills me with optimism, and I had good reason to feel this way. I was still working at Dennis Publishing, which stands as the most educational, most exciting, and most fun place I’ve ever worked. I may have been living in the worst house in London at this time (think: 10 people; majority only speak Slovakian and NO English; awkward kitchen time; they listened to chart music; etc) but at least my room was really nice, which I shared with a girl named Lizzie. Lizzie, of course, being my lovely girlfriend who (much like my job) is the greatest in the category I could have ever asked for. Yeah man, it was looking good. But obviously I had no idea of the ups and downs that lay ahead...

03 Jan
Musician Bob Weston (best known for his short stint as a Fleetwood Mac guitarist) passes away at the age of 64 from gastrointestinal hemorrhage.

04 Jan
It is here that I’d like to start my Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012, which is exactly what it looks like: the Tweets of this year which I am the most proud of, or got the most retweets/Likes for, or whatever. If you feel this is a bit too self centered, then lick my asshole until I fart. This is my blog. So here we go:
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (1/50): Got drunk on vagina juice and now I'm hungovary.

05 Jan
The band Walk Off The Earth cover Gotye’s song Somebody That I Used to Know, using nothing but one acoustic guitar between 5 people. To date, it's raked in over 140,000,000 views, which was big enough to propel the original song into some sort of mega superstardom, becoming pretty much the biggest song of the year, spending more weeks (5) at #1 in 2012 than any other.

07 Jan
After The One That Got Away hit #1 on the Hot Dance Club Songs chart, Katy Perry’s album Teenage Dream became the first album in history to have seven songs hitting the top spot. Good on ya Katy. How you feeling Russell?

08 Jan
Redditor shakee submits a post titled “Friendzone level 99” to the FunnyJunk subreddit, containing a screenshot of this Facebook screenshot. It reached the front page by accumulating 11,328 up votes within 2 days, and the meme Friend Zone Johnny was born.

09 Jan
2 days after his daughter was born from Beyonce's body and given the name Blue Ivy Carter, Jay-Z releases a free song about this girl, titled Glory. This track sampled her crying, and entered the charts at #74, making Blue the youngest person to ever appear on the Billboard chart in history, at 2 days old. Only Jay-Z/Beyonce's baby would ever be born this cool.
At The Drive-In announce their reunion, which was a BIG deal for fans as huge as me.
Relatively unknown (and somewhat unofficial) Funpowder Plot video gets released. It was one of those Dimitri parody clips, made entirely by Ammr, and titled Dimitri Gets Loose. Worth a lol, if you get the joke.

10 Jan
My Last.FM loved tracks Spotify playlist hits 1000 songs! Since then, it has grown much much bigger.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (2/50): Life is like a chess game against your dad. If he wants, he will annihilate you. But if you put a bit of effort into it, he'll let you win.

11 Jan
Katy Perry dominates the 38th People's Choice Awards by winning five out of her seven nominations, including Favorite Female Artist. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2 won four awards, including Favorite Movie. Don't care, but maybe you do.

12 Jan
Much later than I had anticipated, my Top 50 Albums Of 2011, Reinterpreted As Short Stories (Part 4) was published. The less I say about the whole thing, the better.
For reasons I've previously mentioned, Gotye’s Somebody That I Used to Know hits #1 for the first time, here.

13 Jan
On this day, I met insect-creatures from somewhere that wasn't here. I was transported to a different dimension, where I lay upon an operating table, confused and overwhelmed. At first there was just one of these insect-creatures inspecting my body, but more and more started to crowd around me, checking me out. They seemed friendly enough, but needless to say, I was still a little bit scared. The whole encounter took only 10 minutes, and they were sad to see me go. This is not a joke, ask me about it in person, if you know me well enough.

14 Jan
After calling a company and complaining that my delivery of (then legal) drugs Etizolam and Methoxetamine had not arrived, we eventually worked out that they had been sent to the wrong address (my fault). You cannot imagine how embarrassing it is to knock on a neighbouring stranger’s door, and have a married couple with a toddler answer it, while I sheepishly try and explain that nothing bad is happening here.
Robbie France (drummer for many bands such as Skunk Anansie, Diamond Head and UFO) ruptured his aorta and dies. He was 52 years old.

16 Jan
Me and Lizzie started a huge project where we draw weird characters on a big piece of paper. We have been slack in recent times, but one day you will see it, and you will love it, and that is why I am telling you now.
Round about this time, a South African Twitter account opened called Slutspotter. It posted naked photos of local girls, submitted by bitter ex-boyfriends. The profile got shut down pretty quickly, but not before causing a huge fuss, as some of the nudes even featured friends of my friends. I enjoyed it, personally.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (3/50): “Dr Awkward” is by far the best palindrome I have ever come up with by myself.

17 Jan
Johnny Otis (The Godfather of Rhythm and Blues) dies at age 90.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (4/50): Back in my day, face-rape meant something very different.

18 Jan
In protest to the Stop Online Piracy Act (which was a bill disguised as a fight against online copyrighted material, but essentially would remove quite a bit of our online rights) many websites blacked themselves out. Wikipedia was by far the biggest one, but pages like Reddit, Wired, The Oatmeal, Wordpress, Explosm, Rate Your Music, TwitPic, Mozilla and Boing Boing joined the ranks. Oh, and of course, Juice Nothing. Literally one of the most beautiful days the Internet has ever seen.

19 Jan
In an ill-timed move (which has been argued as unrelated to previous entry), file sharing paid-for site Megaupload gets shut down, and their founder Kim Dotcom, arrested. It was sad, in a way, for I was a user, but if you look at the facts before you open your fat mouth, you will see that it was somewhat justified.

20 Jan
However, and due to the news of the day before, Anonymous orchestrated their biggest online attack ever, successfully shutting down the websites for the FBI, Department of Justice, Universal Music Group, RIAA, and Motion Picture Association of America.
Maybe because of this, Etta James died just five days before her 74th birthday due to leukemia. While I never gave her much attention, I respect her loads. She has been said to be the “gap between rhythm'n'blues, and rock'n'roll”, as well as winning six Grammys and 17 Blues Music Awards. Did I mention she was inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 1993? Or the Blues Hall of Fame in 2001? Or the Grammy Hall of Fame in both 1999 and 2008? Or that Rolling Stone ranked James as #22 on their list of the 100 Greatest Singers of All Time? And #62 on their list of the 100 Greatest Artists Ever? Yet despite all of these achievements, she still died relatively overlooked and unappreciated, which is a big shame and an even bigger loss.
Finally, (starting today) a series of bombing attacks took place in Nigeria, resulting in 185 deaths. It was some retaliation from radical Islamist group Boko Haram. Jesus, just chill, you guys.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (5/50): Me and my mate went camping and I woke up with a condom up my ass. But he didn’t wear a condom. SO WHO WAS CONDOM.

23 Jan
After divorcing Ashton Kutcher, poor Demi Moore lost a lot of weight and reportedly fell into substance abuse, resulting in a breakdown and ending up in the hospital.
As arguably the coolest and best used meme of the year, Bad Luck Brian was posted to Reddit, receiving 3,300 upvotes in less than 2 months. I think it deserved a lot more, as it stood high throughout the year and came out on top. Ironically.

25 Jan
Redditor MidnRainbow submitted a thread titled “Introducing: Forever Resentful Mother” which received 2,500 up votes in 40 hours. And the meme was born.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (6/50): Bro Tip: If your girlfriend walks in on you wanking, say "Hi! I was just thinking about you!" Potentially bad situation, now brownie points.

31 Jan
Finally, I published the last part of my Top 50 Albums Of 2011, Reinterpreted As Short Stories, which was a goddamn relief for all. Then I announced my hiatus from Juice Nothing, opting to focus on Coming Down Happy until its release.
Also on this day, I started to take my health much more seriously. It has been a bit off and on, but I can definitely say that from this point of the year, I was a lot more conscious about my diet and made some serious life changes which will stick with me forever. Just trying to keep myself sexy for ya'll, really.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (7/50): I find when it comes to women, the bigger they are, the harder they fall for me.

misc.
Late in this month, the Punjab Institute of Cardiology hospital in Pakistan began to treat poor patients with free counterfeit medicine. These drugs caused some serious bad effects, messing with the bone marrow and destroying the body’s resistance. People got chest infections; their skin changed colour; and they puked blood. Over 100 heart patients died, and up to 46,000 were at risk.


Dear 2012: February: Whitney Houston Dies, Pussy Riot Gets Arrested, Davy Jones Dies, If Lizzie Was A Facebook Page, Mike Bernardo Dies

01 Feb
Finished reading Russell Brand’s autobiography My Booky Wook. I seriously loved it. I seriously love him. He is a smarty-pants character of note, I recommend it.
I sent my Top 50 Albums Of 2011, Reinterpreted As Short Stories to every artist that made the list. I ended up getting responses from Psychic Paramount, Giles Corey’s record label, Dumbo Gets Mad, Fink, Matana Roberts, and Little Dragon. This was the highlight of the whole project, to be honest.

04 Feb
London snowed! A lot! It snowed on my shoes! It snowed in my eyes! It snowed up my nose! It snowed on my personality! Snow fucking everywhere! I was caught outside for most of it, so it was as beautiful as it was inconvenient.

06 Feb
The second-worst earthquake of 2012 happened off the coast of Negros Oriental, Philippines. The 6.7 magnitude quake killed 113 people and injured 100, cutting off all water, electricity, transportation, and communications as it did so.

07 Feb
The worst meme of the year gained mass popularity around this time. Most of you will remember it, it was called What People Think I Do/What I Really Do. What people didn't seem to realise is that NOBODY THOUGHT YOU DID ANYTHING. NOBODY THOUGHT ABOUT YOU AT ALL.

08 Feb
After his daughter posts to facebook about how much her life sucks, and how she has to do too many chores, this dude shot up her laptop and posted the video to YouTube. It became popular. Over 35,000,000 views popular.

09 Feb
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (8/50): I like my women to make my coffee.

10 Feb
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (9/50): Semen stuck in your pubic hair again. You’d think God would have designed this area better.

11 Feb
I went and saw Dillinger Escape Plan and Mastodon. Was one of the most intense shows of the year for me, especially Dillinger. I’ve loved them for a long time, and their reputation stood firm within this chaos.
However, the buzz from the show was short lived, as while leaving the venue, I was informed that Whitney Houston had just been found dead in her bathtub, accidentally drowning due to a cocktail of cocaine, Benadryl, Xanax, marijuana and Flexiril. She was 48, and surely the biggest superstar to die since Michael Jackson. Just look here and here if you don't believe me.

12 Feb
A day later, the lesser known star David Kelly dies at 82. He was an Irish actor that most people wouldn’t recognize the name of, but starred in some high profile projects such as Fawlty Towers and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
The 54th Grammy Awards happened, and were dominated by Adele (obviously), with her 6 winnings, including Album of the Year and Song of the Year. Foo Fighters won five, Kanye West won four, and Skrillex won three.

14 Feb
As it is my girlfriend’s birthday and Valentines Day on the same day, I felt I had to outdo everyone and wrote her the song If Lizzie Was A Facebook Page. People were very kind about my horrific singing.
In a sad turn of Valentine events, World Champion K-1 Kick Fighter Mike Bernardo dies by suicide at age 44. Believe it or not, I met Mike personally and got to know him very well. While he was an absolute joy to be around, I knew he battled many demons, and it is so sad that (despite beating down so many opponents), he couldn’t defeat the ones in his head. RIP Mike, I will never forget you.

17 Feb
Me and fellow Funpowder Plot member Kris Cook launch a freelance job we did together, named We Are Lucky. The concept is amazing: this anonymous guy (but we know who he is) came into a load of money and just started... giving it away. He would give £1,000 to random people who he thought deserved it, asking them only to do something nice with it. Needless to say, such a good-feeling concept got loads of attention, and as a result, my own website benefited from the hits. But beyond that, go check it out, it's a good piece of work and makes one feel happy inside.

20 Feb
Carly Rae Jepsen releases her song Call Me Maybe in Europe. It becomes one of the catchiest, most recognizable, BIGGEST songs of the year, by far.

21 Feb
Feminist punk-rock band Pussy Riot perform popular Christian hymn "Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God" in the Cathedral of Christ the Saviour, in protest against Russian president Vladimir Putin. Except, of course, they changed the lyrics to "Shit, Shit, Shit of Lord God". As a result, they were arrested and placed in a holding cell for a lengthy time, which caused an uproar from the freedom of speech fighters, and mass support from the music community. I get the importance of the whole case (even if they were definitely playing with fire), but more than anything, I loved how the news reports openly said the word "pussy" on a daily basis.
The 2012 Brit Awards took place, and were dominated by Ed Sheeran (4 wins), Adele (3 wins) and Jessie J (3 wins). Bon Iver, Aloe Blacc, Coldplay and Florence and the Machine each got two. I am just over 50% happy with this.
Finally on this day, the Eurozone finance ministers reach an agreement to give Greece a second bailout, at €130-billion.

23 Feb
I had Fire Marshal training, and became the official go-to-guy at my work if there ever is a fire. I’m not sure why I was chosen, because surely I’d be the main cause of a fire anyway? Actually, maybe that is why.
In one of the weirdest 2012 memes, a thread was started on 4chan’s /v/ board called Jimmies General. In its most common form, it features a gorilla who says something to the effect of “That Really Rustled My Jimmies”, which is used to express discontent or discomfort. The thread lasted for over 650 posts, and in some sort of self fulfilling prophetic way, is probably the 2012 meme that rustled my jimmies the most.

24 Feb
After swearing at Mike Skinner on Twitter about how his new music sucks, he suddenly followed me back. I shut right the fuck up.

26 Feb
Watched by 39 million people (in North America alone), the 84th Academy Awards happened, and were dominated by The Artist, which I personally loved loads. Not only did it win 5 in total, but was also the first silent feature to win an Academy Award for Best Picture since 1927. Hugo also won five awards, well done.
However, it just wouldn’t be the Academy Awards if some weird shit didn’t go down, and weird shit went down. One example would be when Sacha Baron Cohen (under his Dictator guise) purposefully poured the ashes of “Kim Jong-il” onto red carpet host Ryan Seacrest, despite having promised that no promotional stunts would take place.
Even better was Angelina Jolie’s leg, which spurred many photoshop jobs and even a Twitter account of its own, within hours.

27 Feb
Originating with the Italian Facebook group Differenze Linguistiche, I found this meme funny. It was basically a comparison of words and phrases in different languages, ending up with one that was incredibly out of place. I saw quite a few of these and I lol’d multiple times.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (10/50): The bigger your dick, the less chance she'll let you put it in her ass.

28 Feb
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (11/50): Hellen Kellar, ellar, ellar, eh, eh, eh.

29 Feb
Davy Jones of The Monkee’s dies at the age of 66 from a heart attack due to atherosclerosis. A truly sad and big loss, as anyone with a little cultural knowledge would agree.


Dear 2012: March: Kony Video Goes Viral, Ermahgerd Berks Was Born, Encyclopædia Britannica Stops Printing, Met Mike Skinner, Dolan

03 March
Adele becomes the first female artist in history to have three top ten singles in the Billboard Hot 100 at the same time. Not to mention, she was also first female artist to have two albums in the top five of the Billboard 200, as well as two singles in the top five of the Billboard Hot 100 simultaneously. Oh, Adele.

04 March
Avalanches hit the Badakhshan province of northeastern Afghanistan. The largest of these buried a small village of about 200 people. Only seven were found alive, but three of those died later from their injuries.

05 March
Arguably the most talked about video of the year was that Kony 2012 film. The whole thing was aimed at increasing awareness and stopping fugitive Joseph Kony, who is known for child abductions. To date, it has hit over 94 million views, resulting in an overwhelming response of positive and negative reactions. Personally, I did find it quite educational and emotional, despite being as misleading as we all found out later.

06 March
Musician Robert Bernard Sherman dies at 86. You might not recognize the name, but you will definitely know his work, as his tunes have been incorporated into such films as Mary Poppins, The Jungle Book, Winnie the Pooh, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Charlotte's Web and the theme park song of "It's a Small World (After All)".

08 March
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (12/50): Opinions are like assholes. I WILL STICK MY DICK IN YOUR FUCKING OPINION IS WHAT I AM SAYING.

09 March
The film Cabin in the Woods premiers, and it was one of my favourite movies of the year.

10 March
On March 8th, those clever people on 4chan noted a similarity between Joseph Kony and actor Carl Weathers, coming up with a cool way to troll people using this knowledge. I tried it myself, and it worked!

13 March
244 years after its first publication, the Encyclopædia Britannica discontinues its print edition. Sad, but predictable, really.

14 March
The post “Just a book owners smile...” was submitted to Reddit, and the Ermahgerd Berks meme was born.

15 March
Yet more Kony news, the director of said film (Jason Russell) started to feel the mass pressure of his huge new-found fame. So much so, that he broke down, got naked, and then masturbated publicly in the daylight of San Diego’s streets, screaming gibberish at people as he did so. Hilarity ensued.

18 March
In one of the memes that most humoured me, this was the intentionally misspelled phonetic transcription of the word "stop" (as "stahp"), which poked fun at Sammi Giancola from Jersey Shore. Although the spelling was seen as early as August 2011, it only gained popularity on this day thanks to Tumblr user jmiliam, with this image. Within six months, it gained over 124,300 notes, and has had many weird and wonderful derivatives since.
On the same day, the even more popular “What If I Told You” Matrix Morpheus meme hit the front page of Quickmeme, and became incredibly overused all over the internets.
The meme gods must have been rofling so hard on this day.

22 March
I finished reading Wetlands by Charlotte Roche. I can’t even describe how foul this book is, but it includes: shaving accidents, anal injury, sterilisation, personal hygiene, mucus, pus, earwax, smegma, blood, sweat, tears, sperm, vagina smells, bacteria, dysfunctional families, self-mutilation, incestual thoughts, recreational drug abuse and suicide. Yet, I will tell you two things you wouldn’t pick up from that summary:
(1) It’s actually really funny and somewhat charming.
(2) It gets quite boring near the end and wasn’t the best book I’ve ever read. Cool story, bro.

27 March
On this eventful day, me and my girlie went and met Mike Skinner from The Streets, buying his book and getting it autographed. I love his work (a lot! Not just the old stuff either, all of it!) and he was a really nice guy.
When we got home, we were still buzzing, only to be informed that my little sister had been proposed to by her boyfriend Brandon, and had said yes. What a magical and special day for our family, as well as for Mike Skinner who got to meet me.

28 March
Finished reading Duff McKagan’s autobiography called It's So Easy (And Other Lies). He was the bassist for Guns 'n Roses and Velvet Revolver, by the way. And I must say - it was an excellent read! One of my favourite autobiographies ever, to be honest. So different and inspiring. Do it.

30 March
Finished Reading The Streets autobiography. It was average at best.
At this point, you may be wondering how I managed to read 3 big books in the space of 8 days. This is because I fell really sick and couldn't leave my bed, unable to even turn my computer on. Fucking miserable. So miserable, in fact, that I managed to read 3 big books in the space of 8 days. I would never do that again.

misc.
Throughout the end of 2011 and early 2012, these weird Donald Duck memes began to surface on 4chan, which featured a badly drawn Disney duck named Dolan, as a sex-addicted serial-murderer. However, it was only during March 2012 that they became incredibly popular all over the internet, and it freaked me out. Goofy pls.


Dear 2012: April: Coming Down Happy Launched, Tupac Hologram, Ridiculously Photogenic Guy, The Avengers Becomes Third Top Grossing Movie Ever, Dick Clark Dies

02 April
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (13/50): The best thing about fucking ugly girls is that I last longer.

03 April
Without a doubt one of my favourite meme’s of the year, was when a guy named Will King uploaded a photo to Reddit under the title “My friend calls him ‘Mr Ridiculously Photogenic Guy'. It received 40,000 up votes, and the meme was born.

04 April
Titanic 3d comes out, lol.

05 April
After working on the project for just under 4 years, Juice 6: Coming Down Happy was released. It's my musical effort, launched with an EP where each song was accompanied by their own cartoon video, telling a fictionalized true-story about an ex-girlfriend who broke my heart. All out of immaturity and revenge, you must understand. On this day, the first song/video came out titled The Devil Lives Inside Of Her Vagina, and the next 3 tracks followed over the upcoming weeks of April. Still to this day, I feel it is my best work, but I was not prepared for the backlash that came afterwards...
Jim Marshall (inventor of the Marshall Amplification) dies at age 88. As most musicians, I have been a proud owner of a Marshall amp before, and so I definitely appreciated his life and mourned his death.

07 April
The deadliest avalanche of the year occurred at a Pakistani military base near the Siachen Glacier, trapping and killing 129 soldiers and 11 civilians under deep snow.

10 April
On my normal tube ride home, I bumped into my favourite beatboxer Beardyman. He had headphones on, but I tapped him on the shoulder and gave him a salute. He smiled back. He looked super high.

11 April
I couldn’t just leave it at that, so I Tweeted Beardyman, informing him that it was me who met him the day before. He Tweeted back, informing me that, one day, he was going to die. Yeah, definitely high.
The Avengers premieres in Hollywood. It turned out to be pretty much the hugest film of the year, achieving the biggest opening weekend in North American history, as well as becoming the fastest film to gross $1 billion worldwide. It currently ranks as the third-highest-grossing film of all time. I totally understand. It was fucking awesome.

12 April
Released the second of four Coming Down Happy songs/videos, called Here’s One For The Pinelanders. And this is when the trouble started.
Confession Bear Advice Animal was posted to Reddit, and received over 13,000 up votes in 4 days, becoming one of the more recognizable memes of the year.

13 April
Red Hot Chili Peppers' entire catalogue is finally put onto Spotify! Woohooooo!

15 April
During the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival, an animated projection of Tupac Shakur appears on stage with Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre. Everyone shat themselves, and now we all wait in deep concern for the inevitable influx of deceased artists rising from the dead and onto our stages.

16 April
Received reports that my Mom had watched my Coming Down Happy videos, and was not happy. I braced myself in fear.

18 April
Dick Clark (best known as the host for American Bandstand) dies at 82 from a heart attack. He was responsible for giving many well known artists their first national exposure, including Tina Turner, Stevie Wonder, Talking Heads and Simon & Garfunkel. So yeah, Godspeed, good sir.

19 April
Released the third of four Coming Down Happy songs/videos called And As Soon As I Ejaculated I Knew That I Had Made A Mistake.
Multi-instrumentalist Levon Helm (best known as the drummer for The Band, as well as doing some albums with Bob Dylan, eventually entering the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall Of Fame etc) dies at 71 from cancer. Elton John even named his son after Helm, and has a song called “Levon” for him, so despite being relatively unknown in many circles, he will always have left his mark on the rock world.

20 April
After my cousin sent me a seemingly innocent Reddit link, I clicked it and everything went haywire. It was one of them dodgy links for sure, designed to hack your facebook account, which is easily fixable. However, I noticed a whole fuckload of gibberish in my Terminal, and realized I had fucked up and was now responsible for my entire company getting hacked. I spent over an hour after work on a Friday just trying to fix what I had done, or at least to figure out a good excuses and not get fired. Eventually, I found out that one of my co-workers had accidentally pasted a bunch of text into my Terminal, and it all meant nothing, completely unrelated to the dodgy Reddit link. Pointless story, sure, but definitely one of the most stressful days of this year. It's ok.

21 April
Not my favourite album, but definitely my favorite album artwork of the year, The Flaming Lips release their collaborative album The Flaming Lips and Heady Fwends.

23 April
As if Mondays aren’t bad enough, this was arguably the most intense and biggest freak out day of 2012 (or ever).
It all started with an email from someone very close to the ex-girlfriend who I had written my Coming Down Happy songs about. He was very threatening - claiming he was sending people to do physical harm to me; then talking about a lawsuit; then suggesting he would start a website against me and my family; and then finally something about hacking my own site down.
During all of this, my own mother sent me an email, calling me disgusting; claiming she had failed as a mother; that I had disgraced every woman in the world; and begging me to take it down. The stress was astounding, and whether I did the right thing or not, I buckled under the pressure. I went through each of the songs and videos and text, removing all mentioning to the girl’s name.
It’s unfortunate, because if you actually read the story, I think you can easily tell who the real victim was here. Hell, I even emailed THE GIRL just before I launched it, politely letting her know what I was about to do, because I no longer harboured any ill feelings towards her. She said it was cool, but I guess she changed her tune once she saw how harsh I actually went with it. Regardless, by this point I think around 5 different “close” friends had deleted me from Facebook, and it felt like a good idea to take a step back and have a little breather. I thought you people would find it funny! No?
Somehow during all of this, I launched The Top 50 Best Lyrics Ever (according to me) article, which was a bit of a throwaway, but it was nice to write anything at all after the 3 month absence. I even wrote a smaller piece about my fear of urinals on this day too, so all very creative and whatnot.
As the final cherry on top, Tommy Marth (the saxaphone player for The Killers) shot himself dead at age 33.

24 April
Google Drive gets released! 5 GB free online storage space! Respect! Thanks G!

26 April
Released the fourth and final Coming Down Happy song/video called Hypothetical Trees Don’t Make A Sound At All. I was glad to see it go.
Also on this day, Warner Music made cutbacks to Roadrunner Records, who are arguably the biggest metal label in recent history. This action resulted in the label's founder and CEO Cees Wessels stepping down from his position, as well as the shutting down of the UK and Canadian offices completely. In my youth, this was pretty much exclusively my favourite music label, so I was a bit sad.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (14/50): Thinking outside of the box is especially difficult for a sex addict.

27 April
About a 7 minute walk from my work (while I was working), some crazy man named Michael Green was at Tottenham Court Road. He had failed his driving test 3 times, and demanded his money back. His process of doing so was simple: re-enter the offices, claim to have bombs strapped to his body, and then take 4 people hostage. While the news of this madness spread, police shut down the road, as Green threw computer screens and file cabinets out of the fifth story window. This went on for 3 hours, until they finally got hold of and arrested him, all the while I was quite enjoying the buzz.
Also on this day, it was discovered by typing “zerg rush” into Google, one would experience the search engine's very own version of the Starcraft concept.

30 April
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (15/50): Everyone is always waiting for their turn to talk about themselves.

misc.
Around the end of April, something very weird happened in my head. Coming Down Happy (by far my biggest and most ambitious project ever) had finally been released and had done more damage than good. I guess if I am honest, it did bother me that friends had deleted me; that I had received such vicious threats (even beyond the ones I've already mentioned); and that my Mom refused to speak to me for months. I mean, this reaction was somewhat predictable, but only once the project was out, did I feel like I may have made a mistake. The whole "heartbreak incident" was so far in my past, but despite being completely over it, I dug it back up and put it on display. People had probably assumed it was all water under the bridge by now, not that I had been in my room cooking up the coldest dish of revenge I could muster. So in that regard, it was immature and juvenile and pretty pathetic. I came to realise that, regardless of reasons and those who deserved it, it was quite a dick thing to do. I didn't get any of the immediate sense of closure that I had anticipated, and I felt foolish and regretful. It made me look weak, as if I'd obsessed about this girl the entire time I had been in London. And worst of all, I know somehow back in South Africa, she had managed to turn the whole thing around, making it look like she was the victim.
But even after considering these factors, that wasn't really what messed me up. What really got to me, was that I was so sure this project was going to be The Idea. I was certain it would go viral and all the record label’s and groupies in the world would come knocking. It had everything in it: music, drawings, a story, a cool website, and a whole fucking revenge subplot. I thought the entire world would bow down to me instantly. So when that didn't happen (and I was faced with such a mess), I fell into a deep depression. I doubted (and still doubt) that I could ever top something as thorough as Coming Down Happy, and that destroyed me. It was the first time in my life I've ever felt such a creative turmoil.
It was a mindfuck. My job was still beyond awesome. Due to a few simple life-changes, I was feeling much healthier than ever. And 3 of the best girls I knew (one of which being Lizzie, who I love more than I’ve ever loved anyone) had just put down a deposit with me on a new awesome house. Everything was as perfect as anyone would dare to wish for. But nothing could make me happy. I was sulky and uninterested in anything. I wanted nothing to do with anyone and became a miserable ass, affecting everyone around me with every aspect of my being. It literally poisoned my 2012 experience more than I could even explain. I was lost and I was a mess. I am surprised I had any friends left (nevermind a girlfriend), because I was becoming a bigger and bigger dick every day. And it took a long time before any of this began to sort itself out, which I will come to later.

In much better news, the Text From Dog Tumblr was launched this month, and everyone lol’d and shared and lol’d and shared.


Dear 2012: May: Adam MCA Yauch Dies, Adele Outsells Michael Jackson, Ignore Hitler Begins, Robin Gibb Dies, Amanda Palmer Raises Over £1 Million From Kickstarter

01 May
As previously mentioned, it was here that Lizzie and I finally moved out of our godawful house dominated by English-less Slovakians, without even saying goodbye. Now armed with two of our best mates, Sophie and Sam, the far superior House Of Gash was born, where I have been ever since. To celebrate and to christen the place, I got stoned for the first time in a very long time, and then freaked the fuck out with paranoia, cementing my decision to quit in the first place.

02 May
A pastel version of The Scream by painter Edvard Munch sells for US$120 million, setting a new world record for an auctioned piece of art.

03 May
Adele's album 21 outsells Michael Jackson's Thriller, becoming the fifth biggest-UK-selling record of all time. Regardless of what you may think of this, it proves that all those record labels claiming that music sales are dying, were dead wrong. In the end, you just had to make really good music.

04 May
Adam Yauch (AKA MCA) of the Beastie Boys passes away at age 47 from salivary gland cancer. My heart broke in many places from this, as I was a huuuuge huge huge fan. Probably the biggest loss of the year for me, personally.

06 May
Using the app Draw Something, a clever artist named Michael began to illustrate each of his words with Adolf Hitler doing various activities, instructing players to “Ignore Hitler” in order to figure out the clue. It became so widely popular, that he started a Tumblr dedicated to his work. It’s hilarious.

08 May
Maurice Sendak (the author best known for Where the Wild Things Are) dies at age 83 due to complications from a stroke. RIP.

11 May
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (16/50): Some girl said to me “irritation is a sign of weakness” so I punched her in the throat. “WHO’S WEAK NOW, BITCH??” I am irritated though.

12 May
After a thorough search, The House Of Gash recruits a 5th member named Jayke. More on him later.

13 May
The relatively unknown meme Almost Politically Correct Redneck appears on Reddit. Personally, I find it to be quite original in comparison to many of the other advice animals out there, and so I have included it here. Check it out.

15 May
After slaving away for months and months at my paying job, the first website I was so-called “in charge of” (not correct term entirely, but I definitely had one of the biggest roles to play) was launched. It's pretty much the coolest website we do called Den Of Geek, all about films and games and tv and stuff. I was beyond proud and everyone was fucking stoked with how it came out. By far the best thing I’ve ever done at work for sure, blowing my ego sky-high.
Somehow, I also squeezed in time to launch the How To Fuck Girls And Not Cheat On Your Girlfriend article. It was the “brother article” to my most popular post of all time, How To Fuck Boys And Not Be Gay. It didn't get quite as many hits, but was still a huge success by all means.
As if this wasn’t all enough, a new Banksy was discovered two stations down my road. I promptly went and admired it.
And finally, concluding what proved to be quite a memorable 2012 day indeed, Diablo III was launched. I don’t play games, but my friends loved it, and it subsequently set an all-time record for the fastest-selling PC game ever, with over 3.5 million copies bought in the first 24 hours of its release.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (17/50): If anal sex isn’t natural, then why did God put it so close to the vagina? I’m pretty sure he knew we’d eventually give it a try.

16 May
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (18/50): Job Tip: Stand up at your desk while you work every now and again. Makes you look 30% more productive with very little additional effort!

20 May
Robin Gibb from the BeeGee’s dies from liver and kidney failure due to complications with cancer. He was 62 years old. That one really sucked.

21 May
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (19/50): “That’s what I said.” - She

22 May
In Johannesburg, there was this controversial painting called "The Spear", which got defaced pretty quickly. It may have been because it was of South African president Jacob Zuma. It may have been because he was depicted in a Soviet revolutionary pose. Or it may have been because his wang was showing. Not sure which one of these upset people the most. Probably the wang.
The Tokyo Skytree tower opens to the public. Standing at 634 meters high, it is the new tallest self-supporting tower in the world.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (20/50): These legal girls look younger every year.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (21/50): People often say that I only hear what I want to hear, and it’s like, that quite offends me and what exactly did you mean by ‘boobs’?

23 May
To celebrate Robert Moog's 78th Birthday, Google made their coolest doodle yet - a fully functional Moog synthersizer! Equiped to lay tracks and record them, you can check out my Avant Garde A Clue effort here.
And due to my work on Den Of Geek, I was made the employee of the month! Yay!

28 May
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (22/50): I tried to swallow my pride, but then I puked it back up in my mouth and spat it in your fat fucking inferior face.

29 May
A generally upstanding citizen named Rudy Eugene took some legal drugs known as "Bath Salts", and went a li'l crazy. He attacked and ate the entire face of a homeless guy named Poppo, then got shot dead by the cops. It was so fucking mental, and in conjunction with many other similar cases springing up all over the place, rumours of zombie apocalypse had never seemed so plausible. Eeek. Urghhh. Bleeeeghhh. zzzzz.

30 May
Music legend and overall goddess Amanda Fucking Palmer (The Dresden Dolls; Evelyn Evelyn; solo etc) manages to raise $1,192,793 for her new album, using nothing but fan donations through the website Kickstarter. This is yet another example of how music is not dying, but rather becoming more interesting and inventive, where only the smartest will survive.
I launched my Undeniable Proof That The Law Of Attraction Works! article. The response was fairly phenomenal, as at least two people got hold of me and reported a weird and wonderful “coincidence” that had taken place literally seconds after they read it. This, in turn, totally inspired me, so it was a lovely little circle of joy.

31 May
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (23/50): What if God doesn’t want to be worshipped? What if he’s all like “ARGH, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, I WANT TO LIVE A NORMAL LIFE, I DON'T KNOW YOU”

misc.
In May, eight countries in West Africa suffered from a devastating lack of rainfall during a critical time in the growing season. This, coupled with insect plagues, yielded up to a 50% crop loss, raising food prices and leaving more than 18 million people hungry.


Dear 2012: June: 50 Shades Of Grey outsells Harry Potter, Queen Elizabeth II's Diamond Jubilee, Overly Attached Girlfriend meme, The Oatmeal raises money against FunnyJunk, Oliver The Chimp dies

01 June
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (24/50): You can tell a lot about a person by the type of porn they watch. For example: I’m fucked up.

02 June
Today marked the beginning celebrations of Queen Elizabeth II’s Diamond Jubilee AKA her 60th anniversary at the top. As she is the only Queen in the country’s history to reach this honour, the vibe all over London was rad. We even threw a party for her, but she didn't show up. God bless!
Oliver the chimpanzee dies from old age. Despite being proven untrue, he was often hailed as the “missing link” due to his unusual human-like features and tendency to walk up right. RIP monkeyman.

05 June
Lucky Diamond the dog dies from cancer on this day. This female Maltese is the current Guinness World Record holder for the dog most photographed with celebrities, at around 363 influential figures. I respect that.
The century’s second solar transit of Venus occurs, which is when the planet passes directly between the Sun and the Earth, becoming visible. The next time this is predicted to occur is 2117. We will all be dead by then, so I hope you enjoyed it this time.

06 June
Sometime before this date, Justin Bieber announces an online sing-off contest, where fans were encouraged to rewrite his song Boyfriend to promote his new perfume, conversely called Girlfriend. Which would be extremely boring, if it wasn't for a girl named Laina Walker, who uploaded her entry to YouTube titled “JB Fanvideo”, and the Overly Attached Girlfriend meme was born seconds later.
She didn't end up winning, but Bieber did respond by telling Laina “I’m watching you”. I like to imagine she masturbated over that on a nightly basis, whilst millions of preteen girls sent her death threats.

07 June
The second former Fleetwood Mac member named Bob to die this year, was Mr. Welch. He shot himself at the age of 66. Apparently he had recently undergone unsuccessful spinal surgery, and did not want to become a burden on his wife. Is that nice or not nice? Can’t tell.
Also on this day, a package from my sister arrived in the mail. It contained an autographed book from my favourite album artwork artist of all time, Storm Thorgerson, as well as two of her wisdom teeth. Now that’s what family is for!

08 June
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (25/50): If I was Justin Bieber I'd fuck all you little girls.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (26/50): Girls expect guys to make the first move and then get upset when we rape them.

11 June
About a year previously, The Oatmeal webcomic creator Matthew Inman publicly complained that users of FunnyJunk repeatedly uploaded his content to the website without his consent. All this time later, FunnyJunk’s lawyer Charles Carreon (best known as the attorney who successfully won the Sex.com domain name court case) demanded Inman pay US$20,000 in damages for his remarks. Stunned, Inman fought back, and swore to raise the money by using the charity site Indiegogo, but instead of giving the cash to FunnyJunk, would take a photo of it, send said photo to Carreon along with an illustration of FunnyJunk's mother "seducing a Kodiak bear", and then donate the money to the American Cancer Society and the National Wildlife Federation.
Carreon threw a fit, and tried to sue The Oatmeal a second time, mainly about this response as well as all the hate mail he was receiving. He eventually dropped that suit, and instead tried to shut down the charity fund raising, but failed. All the while, the whole internet laughed and pointed at him, and FunnyJunk’s reputation disintegrated further.
So did Inman raise the money? Yes. In 64 minutes. By the end of the whole ordeal, he had raised $220,024 and followed through with his plan, which was just so goddamn beautiful and lol.

12 June
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (27/50): Asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do anal last night and she said she couldn't be assed. HAHAHA I MADE THAT JOKE UP MYSELF! #FUCKINGfunny

13 June
Funpowder Plot releases our Hello Outlook, Show Me Your Reel video. It was not only our first project for a long time, but also the first of many to come over the next few weeks. The purpose of the video was to try and win the opportunity to attend Outlook Festival for free, and then film a documentary about it. We got through to the interview stage and met with the organizers, but ultimately didn’t win. Bleak. Still, it’s how we played the game, and we did get free tickets for Dimensions festival, so... profit?

14 June
Released my Scabbage article, a fictional account of when I first met my favourite artist of all time Scab. The idea came from a mutual friend, and together we collaborated on this piece for over 2 years until we were happy enough to publish it. I am proud of it because Scab was happy with it, and he deserves the attention.

16 June
More my brother’s friend than mine, but a proper cool guy named Tim Houghton passes away from a motorcycle accident on this day. RIP brother.

18 June
About this time, E. L. James’ book 50 Shades Of Grey becomes the fastest selling paperback of all time, beating out Harry Potter. Due to this, TIME magazine named her one of The 100 Most Influential People in the World of 2012.

19 June
Jimmy Carr was one of many wealthy individuals who got caught using the K2 offshore scheme, which was a sneaky way to avoid paying higher taxes. People were mad at him, but I just looked at his face and couldn't take him seriously. Oh, you tried to skip taxes did you, funny man? Joker!

20 June
The second Funpowder Plot video of the year was released today. It was a music video by RaWdEaL called Don't Pity Me, which was almost exclusively Ammr’s baby. Well done. This also meant that we had already uploaded as many videos this year as we did in 2011.
Starting now was a summer heat wave in North America, creating temperatures near or exceeding 110 degrees, which led to more than 82 heat-related deaths across the United States and Canada.

24 June
The Shenzhou 9 spacecraft manually docked with the orbiting module Tiangong 1. This is big, because the 2 male and 1 female astronauts were Chinese, making China the third country (after the United States and Russia) to successfully perform the mission.
The last known Pinta Island Tortoise named Lonesome George dies at a Galapagos National Park, rendering the subspecies extinct.

27 June
The third Funpowder Plot video of the year was released, beating last year’s efforts. It was a Kris job, where he filmed some boat party and then put together this awesome clip to make everyone jelly. It worked.
The already announced Google Project Glass (which is kind of like a hands-free super smartphone, all voice activated and displayed before your eyes like glasses) was given a fucking awesome demo. Skydivers, abseilers, and mountain bikers all wore the device and chatted while they did so, using Google Hangouts. FUTURE!
After not paying rent and disappearing for over a month, we started to really worry about our 5th housemate Jayke. We got the police to search his room for any evidence (which was scary) while we looked for a new member to fill his place. We eventually found him again, and he left quietly. We kept his deposit.

28 June
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (28/50): Life is a joke, but one of those looong jokes and you have to die just to hear the punchline so it might not even be a funny joke in the end

29 June
Katie Holmes files for divorce from Tom Cruise after five years of marriage. And we all feared for her Scientology life.

misc.
From early June through July, at least 200,000 acres of Colorado were swept by wildfire. More than 600 homes were destroyed, and 5 lives were lost during this month of fires.


Dear 2012: July: Gangnam Style becomes most viewed Youtube video, James Eagan Holmes opens fire on a Dark Knight Rises crowd, 2012 London Olympics begin, God Particle exists, “Chick-fil-A Kiss-In

01 July
The BET Awards took place, and were dominated by Beyonce (who won 2), and Jay-Z & Kanye West (who also won 2). The highlight, however, was definitely when Jay-Z interrupted Yeezy’s speech, lol.
The latest House Of Gash member moves in. His name was Tamas and he was very cool. All was peaceful once again, for a while.

02 July
As my inner creative depression continued, I decided to use the only weapon I knew of, and reread Scar Tissue by Anthony Kiedis for the 7th time. It took me about 5 days, and it worked, somewhat. I promptly booked a Coming Down Happy gig, and then started to look for a band.

04 July
Pretty the most SUPERNEWS INDEPENDENCE DAY EVER!
The Odd Future member Frank Ocean comes out the closet of sorts, announcing he liked boys more than friends with this post.
Scientists reveal that they pretty much discovered the existence of Higgs Boson, AKA the God Particle. Christians lost their mind at this final proof of God. Atheists facepalmed and tried to explain that this had nothing to with God at all. Agnostics shrugged and said they still weren’t too sure. Designers cried in pain that the official report used the Comic Sans font, completely missing the point. Regardless, it took me a long time to even remotely understand what this all meant, and I couldn’t even fit it all here if I tried. But watch this, it will help explain stuff loads.
After countless of upset people and emails (some of which came from me), the European Parliament voted overwhelmingly against the Anti-Counterfeit Trade Agreement (ACTA), keeping our internet happy and free. They were good people after all.
Finally, the fourth Funpowder Plot video of the year was released today, namely the Official Trailer for Nitrous of the Living Dead 2: HELLium on Earth. It was made entirely by Ammr, and was pretty funny, but still only a taste of what was to come...
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (29/50): I get the whole Ryan Gosling thing, I do. He must be the hottest guy with down syndrome ever. It’s good for those kids to have a role model.

05 July
Went and watched Marilyn Manson at Brixton Academy. I used to be a huge fan, but even though I am not so much of one anymore, it was still a wicked show, and I am in love with the guy as a person. Purely physical.

06 July
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (30/50): The bar will never ask you for ID if you order a Guinness cos only a fucking man drinks Guinness.

07 July
One of the more clever memes of the year was Facemath. It had been around for a while, but really took off on this date. Very nice, yes.
I went to meet and have coffee with my potential bandmates, who I had only spoken to over the net. When I arrived, I got a text to look out for “the midget in a wheelchair”. I thought this was some sort of a Blink-182 joke, until I met future guitarist Andy, who was exactly as he described. I figured that was pretty fucking cool, and decided I would love to make music with these guys. And we did, having our first jam a week later, and quite a few more over the rest of the year.
I went to watch Foreign Beggars and Noisia, which turned out to be one of the most fun nights I had this year, despite watching some dude have a nasty overdose, to the point that I have no idea if he survived or not. Unsettling.

08 July
British band Chumbawamba decide not to get up again, and broke up after a 30 year career. Bleaked me out a little more than it should’ve.

10 July
The website Kris and I built for We Are Lucky blew up on this day thanks to some TV coverage, reaching just under 20K hits within 24 hours.

11 July
Around here I fell very ill for 2 weeks, and it sucked majorly.

12 July
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (31/50): If Life hands you lemons, squeeze them in your eyes. Then Life will be all like “woah, that's one hardcore fucker, better not mess with him”

13 July
Producer Richard D. Zanuck dies at age 77 from a heart attack. Not only was he an Oscar winner, but his extensive credits cover many movies which you have seen, including: Jaws, Jaws 2, Driving Miss Daisy, Planet Of The Apes, Big Fish, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, Yes Man, Alice in Wonderland, and many more. Sorry to see you go, dude.
I launched the new Juice Nothing blog design in secret, even though I only announced it weeks later, on the 31st.

15 July
A day which affected us all greatly, was the day the biggest song of the year (by far) was released. I’m talking, of course, about the mighty mighty Gangnam Style, from the biggest K-Pop star of all time, PSY. Its achievements and cultural impacts are far too exhaustive to list here, but I think the most impressive is that it officially became the most viewed video on YouTube (the first ever to hit 1billion, on the 21st Dec, I just added this in now), surpassing Justin Bieber’s Baby.

16 July
English composer/pianist/organ player Jon Lord dies at age 71 from pancreatic cancer. He was known for his pioneering work in fusing rock with classical or baroque forms, especially with Deep Purple as well as Whitesnake. RIP.
An interview with Chick-fil-A’s chief operating officer Dan Cathy was published in the Christian news service Baptist Press, in which he admitted he didn’t support gay marriage. He repeated the same stance on “The Ken Coleman Show” 2 days later, stating that he believed same-sex marriage would be “inviting God’s judgment on our nation". This didn’t go down so well, as a few weeks later, same sex couples and equal rights supporters partook in what was called the “Chick-fil-A Kiss-In”, where same gender people submitted images of themselves making out within the restaurant, and uploading them to Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr. I thought that was brilliant, because even if you have a problem with homosexual rights, you should keep your fucking mouth shut especially if you are running a company, idiot. Otherwise you might upset the Muppets.

19 July
In an announcement for their new Instagram account, Nestle’s Kit Kat’s official Facebook page uploaded a picture of a man in a bear suit, which resembled Pedobear so much that they removed it pretty quickly.
The Coming Down Happy EP arrives on iTunes, making me a real artist!

20 July
With his messed up scary joker hair, James Eagan Holmes opens fire on a Dark Knight Rises cinema crowd, killing 12 and wounding 58. He was arrested immediately afterwards without resistance, and it was all very wtf.
A few weeks later I watched the film, and much like most people, thought it was very good.

21 July
The Coming Down Happy EP arrives on Spotify, which was quite a dream come true.

23 July
The first woman to enter into low Earth orbit in 1983, Sally Ride, dies at age 61 from pancreatic cancer. She remains the youngest American astronaut to be launched into space at the age of 32, as well as the first known astronaut to have been in a long-term same-sex relationship. Hope you had a good one, Sally.

25 July
After over a year of conversations and filming, the fifth Funpowder Plot video of the year is finally released, namely Nitrous of the Living Dead 2: HELLium on Earth. Nobody gave a shit, but we were pretty proud of the thing.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (32/50): I wish Facebook had a "I've Seen That" button which would eventually filter out all the people who post shit that's 5 fucking years old.

27 July
Paul Chambers (a guy I wrote about in my old article How To Get Away With Saying Anything On The Internet) finally won the court case against him, involving a joke tweet he posted about blowing Robin Hood airport sky high. The whole thing was ridiculous, and I feel this was a landmark case where people will hopefully learn to chill out about stuff said online.
The 2012 London Olympics begin! I found the whole city's vibe to be loads of fun, with hot girls and confused tourists included. It went off without a problem in my eyes, and was a definite 2012 highlight.
And as with any worthwhile landmark occasion, great memes were sure to follow, and included such classics as: McKayla is Not Impressed, Olympics or Gay Porn; One is Not Amused; Dangling Boris; Michelle Jennekes Warm Up Dance; and Mo Farah Running Away From Things.

28 July
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (33/50): I’m so agnostic I’m not even sure if I’m agnostic.

29 July
Funpowder Plotter Jon Loose climbs over a fence, and tears his finger RIGHT OFF. RIGHT FUCKING OFF. Messed with our minds, man.

30 July
During a visit to Jamaica in February, Snoop Dogg gets “saved” by rastafarianism, and changes his name to Snoop Lion, announcing it around today.

31 July
The frontman of No Use for a Name had a name, and it was Tony Sly. For reasons unclear, he died at age 41. Sucks.
Microsoft launches their new Hotmail (named Outlook, after their Desktop service) to rave reviews, some even calling it better than Gmail. Maybe so, but the name alone is enough to scare everyone away.
After 6 months since I published my Top 50 Albums Of 2011, Reinterpreted As Short Stories, I finally got round to finish the guide to the piece, explaining in great detail how it came to be and what it all meant. Quite pointless, but essential reading for anyone who gave a fuck about the thing.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (34/50): It's ok to discriminate, just as long as you don't pick on a minority.

misc.
In July at least 37 people were killed by flood waters in and around the city of Beijing, China. In surrounding areas, many more people died as a result of flooding, which was said to be the region's worst in 60 years.


Dear 2012: August: Ecce Homo Painting restoration destroyed, Neil Armstrong dies, Prince Harry fucks a girl in Las Vegas, Curiosity Rover lands on Mars, Lance Armstrong may have been doping before races

05 Aug
Wade Michael Page (the singer for white supremacy/neo-Nazi bands End Apathy and Definite Hate) shot people at a Sikh temple in Wisconsin, killing 6 and wounding 4. A police officer then shot Mr. Page in the stomach, so in turn, he shot himself in the head. Well that turned out well, didn’t it, Wade?

06 Aug
The car sized Curiosity Rover lands on Mars, it’s sole mission to investigate the Martian climate as to whether the planet could have ever supported life... OR IF IT STILL DOES...
Despite existing for a while, an image featuring people running away from an out-of-control plane was uploaded to Reddit by user inquirewue, with the caption “Go away plane / you are drunk”. It received 4,600 upvotes within a month, and the meme became quite popular after this.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (35/50): If someone interrupts you mid-conversation, it's probably because you were being fucking boring. Do not be offended, be grateful.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (36/50): "If I was going to kill you, I would have already done so" - easiest way to lull someone into a false sense of security before killing them.

07 Aug
After asking Twitter about the sexiness of good books vs. high heels, author Neil Gaiman retweeted my answer.

10 Aug
YouTube user Steve Kardynal uploads a video of himself dancing in a bikini to Carly Rae Jepsen's Call Me Maybe on Chatroulette. Arguably the most joy I got from the internet this entire year.

12 Aug
After falling in and out of confusion and depression since April, this was the exact day that my head cleared up. It was after a very long bender, where I was Coming Down Unhappy and feeling sorry for myself, when I realised what I had been doing wrong. I'd become so wrapped up in myself that I had lost the plot. My whole life, all I wanted to be was famous, and I had neglected everything else because none of it seemed that important in comparison. And so when I reached what I considered my "full potential" with Coming Down Happy, and yet never achieved my dreams, it kind of made sense as to why I felt so fucked up for all those months.
Please don't get confused about what I am saying here, though. Despite the failed dive for fame and the backlash from so many people, I am still very proud of that project. Fuck THE GIRL, by all means, fuck her. What she did to me was so fucking harsh, and so I still feel it's justified. You cannot fuck with someone's heart so badly and expect no retaliation, especially from someone like me. And while I think she got the message loud and clear, which helped me get some form of closure (at least in the revenge type of way), the lesson was much bigger, in the end.
I needed to be nicer to people, and stop being so selfish. I needed to put more time aside for Lizzie and my friends, stepping back and even loving myself again. I needed to give myself more chill time and live in "the now," rather than a promise of a better future. I needed to stop watching such fucked up porn. And most of all, I needed to make art just for arts sake - not for some reasons to do with fame. All of this may seem like obvious things, but once I made this mental shift, my mind cleared up and I felt much better. And then my life improved drastically, and this happiness manifested immediately into my reality, as you will see now. Whew!

15 Aug
Robert Wayne "Bob" Birch dies at age 56 from apparent self inflicted gunshot. He was a session musician for loads of cool acts, but if you didn’t know his name - don’t worry, neither did I. But when you look at his credentials and realise he has played with the likes of Sir Elton John, Sir George Martin, Bryan Adams, Lionel Ritchie, George Michael, Eric Clapton, B.B. King, Brian May, Sting, Tina Turner, Cher, Spice Girls, Little Richard, Phil Collins, Stevie Wonder, Backstreet Boys, Jim Carrey, Courtney Love, Kevin Spacey, Ronan Keating, Brian Wilson, Vanessa Carlton, Sinéad O'Connor, John Mayer, Ray Charles, Dolly Parton and Barry Manilow... to name a FEW... you have got to wonder why he shot himself in the first place? Seems like a good life to me, my man.
After 2 hours of writing, start to finish, I launched this first-of-a-kind Juice Nothing entry, namely John Lennon/Stephen King Did Not Say This. It was a rant by all means, but I enjoyed not worrying too much about execution and just putting something up which I felt strongly about in that moment. As a result, I don’t consider this a real Juice Nothing article, but I hope to do many more of these when the time comes, and it got tons of hits in the end.

16 Aug
Had my yearly appraisal at Dennis Publishing, which resulted in a promotion and a raise. Uhm, hells yeah?
During a mining strike, the South African police force opened fire on the protesters, killing 34 and injuring approximately 78. A cold chill ran through all South Africans, as we all thought this side of the country was over, and wondered what it all meant for the future of our land.

17 Aug
After much news coverage and support, the verdict for the band Pussy Riot and their blasphemous protest was reached: 3 years in prison. Which I consider to be totally worth it, just to become THE BIGGEST BAND IN THE WORLD (even if hardly anyone has heard their music).

18 Aug
Coming Down Happy’s debut gig at The Comedy Pub! I was scared as all hell, but it was a test for myself: could I do it? Could I really get onto a stage and sing to my music in front of people, karaoke style? The answer, as it turns out, was “yes”. A whole load of my good friends came to watch me scream and jump around, and I had a bigger crowd than anyone else who performed that night. I even made £50 for it. That said, I didn't particularly enjoy the process, and am in no rush to do it again. Regardless, watch me perform The Devil Lives Inside Of Her Vagina from said show, here.

19 Aug
The director Tony Scott jumps off the Vincent Bridge in Los Angeles, and died at age 68. There was a suicide note, so he definitely knew what he was doing. And as the guy responsible for Top Gun, Beverly Hills Cop II, Enemy Of The State, and True Romance (to name a few), I do hope rests in peace.

20 Aug
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (37/50): Since I’ve started drinking Guinness, I measure my weekend by the colour of my Monday morning shit.

21 Aug
An article was published about the Ecce Homo Painting, which had been “restored” by Spanish painter Elías García Martínez. I say "restored", because in reality she just messed up its face so badly that it looked like a bear had sex with an owl, and then broke its neck. The church who owned it were very upset and are looking for someone to undo the mess, while Martínez suffered crippling anxiety attacks and refused to eat due to all the publicity. But, I’m sorry, it is possibly the funniest fucking thing that happened all year. If I was a multi-millionaire art collector, I’d rather own the messed version than the original. It’s brilliant.
TMZ posts pictures of a naked Prince Harry fooling around with an unknown young woman in Las Vegas. Poor fella, and the royal's nudity troubles didn’t end there, as pictures of Kate Middleton’s boobies also got published later in the year. It was in times like these that I am reminded of two things: (1) These people are just normal people, who cares if they are royalty? If they want to fuck random people or sunbathe naked, who cares? Let them do it! We all do this shit and nobody worries about us. (2) I am pervert, and I googled the images immediately.
After many weeks, my internet friend Chloë Kiley got voted out of South African Idols after reaching the top 8. The whole thing was well exciting even from all the way away around the world, and I was sad she didn’t win. Still - the girl is going places.
With over a year of writing (off and on), I launched my (somewhat requested) Top 50 Greatest Albums Ever (according to me) article. Probably the most thorough of the year, I worked fucking hard on it and am proud of how it turned out, even if I did go on a bit near the end.

22 Aug
After six months of dating, Avril Lavigne announces her engagement to Nickleback's Chad Kroeger. I can’t see any good coming out of that.

23 Aug
The puppeteer Jerry Nelson (best known for his work on Sesame Street, The Muppet Show and Fraggle Rock) passes at age 78 from complications due to cancer. Sorry to see you go, sir.

24 Aug
After years and years of accusations that Lance Armstrong doped before his races (despite all his tests coming out negative), the United States Anti-Doping Agency pushed him once again, and this time he refused to comply. This resulted in Lance being stripped of his seven Tour de France titles, as well as his banning from the sport for life. I don’t know if he did or not, but my gut leans in his favour, for some reason.

25 Aug
And then on what proved a very bad week for Armstrong's, the first man on the moon Neil Armstrong dies at 82, after undergoing surgery to relieve blocked arteries. Off you go moon man, to the stars.

27 Aug
Went to Notting Hill Carnival, which is attended by about one million people, making it the biggest street festival in Europe. It was madness and I got FUCK DRUNK.

28 Aug
Every now and then you get to do something you never thought was possible. And watching At The Drive-In at The Brixton Academy was definitely one of those things. Despite the fact that we mistakenly got seated tickets, it was probably the best show of the year, very intense and CD quality. Then I noticed Scroobius Pip was standing by the exit as we were leaving, and I shook his hand. Good night.

31 Aug
Bionic Vision Australia researchers successfully implant an early prototype bionic eye into an almost blind lady. It worked better than expected, and will now continue in development. Awesome.

misc.
Starting in early August, a series of Oklahoma wildfires burned some 52,000 acres, destroying at least 121 homes and businesses.


Dear 2012: September: Innocence of Muslims is stupid, Michael Clarke Duncan dies, me and Lizzie go to Athens Greece and Santorini, Grumpy Cat is Grumpy, Apple Maps fails

1 Sep
The songwriter Hal David (one half of the team responsible for such classics as "Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head” and “What’s New Pussycat”) dies at age 91 from a stroke. We all die eventually.

2 Sep
Finished reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and absolutely loved it. Correction, I absolutely loved Lisbeth Salander. I fell in love with her. Oh God, why are all the best girls fictional?

3 Sep
The very recognizable actor Michael Clarke Duncan (best known for his Academy Award/Golden Globe nominated performance in The Green Mile) dies at age 54, following a heart attack a few weeks previous. Serious bleak out, I always wanted to hug this man, but now I can’t. One of the sadder losses of the year.

4 Sep
A Bad Lip Reading of Twilight was launched onto YouTube, which not only racked up just under 16 million hits, but was also one of the funniest videos I had seen in a while.

5 Sep
I went and watched one of my favourite 2012 acts named Grimes at Heaven. In all honesty, it was a terrible performance (she can’t sing for shit and she kept fucking up) but it didn’t ruin the vibe whatsoever. There was a pole dancer and balloons were flying around, so everyone was in a great mood. Not to mention, she released my 2nd favourite album of the year, so it was special in the regard.

6 Sep
The 2012 MTV Video Music Awards took place, where One Direction won 3 and Chris Brown won 2, which is pathetic. Luckily M.I.A won 2 awards herself, and Rihanna won Video of the Year, so that’s ok, I guess, sorta.

7-17 Sep
Motherfucking holiday in Athens, Greece! Such a huge and awesome getaway for me and Lizzie, something I will never forget and a massive feature of 2012.
Highlights include: drinking a lot of this super strong Greek drink called tsipouro which evaporates on your tongue before you can even swallow it; picking grapes; stamping on said grapes to make wine; looking at underground ruins (they are everywhere!); moshing at Athens' own Intrepid Fox; watching a lady get chased by stray dogs and jumping onto a table in fear; swimming; sun; shooting cardboard targets with an air-rifle; looking at the Moon and Jupiter really close-up through a highly powerful telescope; eating loads and loads of awesome food (best thing ever: souvlaki, seriously); visiting the Acropolis and a museum all about it; playing weird board games like Boulder Dash and Cranium, as well as Chess on a very wicked board; watching hilarious Lizzie home videos; and so on.

10 Sep
Finished reading The Dirt (Mötley Crüe’s autobiography) for the second time. Was even better than the first. Pure Rock ‘n Roll.

11 Sep
Earlier in the year, some douchebag named Nakoula Basseley Nakoula made a video called Innocence of Muslims, solely designed to diss the Muslim prophet Muhammad. It took a while, but on this day (and check the date) Muslim protesters caused chaos and attacked US diplomatic missions in Cairo, Egypt and Benghazi, Libya. Shit got real and lead to more than 50 deaths.
To me, this is such a stupid mess for 2 reasons:
(1) The movie was trying to represent Muhammad as a fake prophet and Islamic religion as a violent one. To retaliate with more violence not only gives the movie much more attention (none of us would know of it if this didn’t happen) but also doesn’t help the case against the film's subject matter.
(2) The movie was so bad, omg. So bad. If the protests were about how shit the film was rather than the content, then I’d understand, because even I wanted to kill people after watching it.

11-14 Sep
A holiday within a holiday! In the middle of the Greece trip, me and Lizzie visited the gorgeous island of Santorini.
Highlights include: riding on a crazy classy massive Blue Star boat (which I have never done before); watching the pool of our hotel change colour; watching the sunset in Thira; taking a pirate ship to a volcanic island; swimming in hot springs; riding donkeys up a steep cliff; stumbling across a fuckload of stray cats (like 10 or so) surrounding a dead one (was weird man); sex on the beach (the cocktail); sex on the beach (the act); tanning on a beach with black sand; the view from Oia; and so on. Time of my life, really.

13 Sep
Finished reading Booky Wook 2 (Russell Brand’s second autobiography) on the black beach of Santorini. It was good and funny, but not as good and funny as the first one.

19 Sep
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (38/50): If you think everyone is a cunt, maybe you’re the problem.

20 Sep
Apple take the next move in the Apple vs. Google war, and replaced iPhone’s Google Maps with their new Apple Maps in iOS 6. The world laughed and cried at the same time at how inferior it was, to the point that Apple's own CEO Tim Cook apologized for the buggy software, pledging to improve what tens of millions of smartphones had already installed. Me? I beat the system. I didn’t upgrade. IN YOUR FACE JOBS. Oh wait, he’s dead. I knew that wasnt funny but I left it in.
The sixth Funpowder Plot video of the year was released, called Nuestra Casa Summer Boat Party 2012. It was mostly made by Kris Cook (but he got by with a little help from his friends) and people Liked it.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (39/50): When I go to the supermarket, I always stick boogers underneath cereal boxes in hope that a part of me gets inside your house.

22 Sep
For my mate Mark's 30th birthday, we went to the Stonehenge Campsite, where I ended up puking in the rain. Was rad.

23 Sep
User Cataliades uploaded pictures of The Grumpy Cat to Reddit, and the meme was born.
The 64th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards happened, where the award for Outstanding Drama Series went to Showtime's thriller Homeland, which broke the series Mad Men's four-year hold on the award. I don’t even like Homeland. The Outstanding Comedy Series award went to ABC's Modern Family, for the third year in a row.

24 Sep
Overly Manly Man meme was submitted to Reddit, and received 11,300 upvotes in 72 hours. I thought it was pretty good.

25 Sep
New Myspace previews and it was fucking impressive by all means! But as I told my nerdy friends “it's like shooting a dying monkey full of adrenaline. It will run hard and it will look really good doing so, but it's probably not enough to save it from the continuous decline all the same.” I figured that was about right.

26 Sep
Crooner Andy Williams dies at age 84 from bladder cancer. He recorded eighteen Gold and three Platinum-certified albums, so I’m sure some people knew who he was.
The PPA Data & Digital Publishing Awards were held today, and the company I work for (Dennis Publishing) won 3! These were: Advertising Sales Team of the Year; Digital Edition of The Year with The Week iPad Edition; and IT Development Team Of The Year (which I am a part of). Yaaay, we’re doing something right all the time, most the time.


Dear 2012: October: Jimmy Savile touches loads of little girls, Amanda Todd kills herself, Felix Baumgartner breaks the sound barrier, Disney buys Lucasfilms announces new Star Wars, Hurricane Sandy

1 Oct
After living with us for only 3 months, Tamas moves out and was swiftly replaced with a guy named Rui. He’s awesome because he brings us cakes and stuff, so we were all very happy with the decision.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (40/50): I reckon if Jesus and Muhammad were in the same room, they’d be all like “sup?” and shit would be chill.

3 Oct
Launched the first and only real short story of the year, titled The Triangular Theory of Love. It was a huge success and loads of people enjoyed it, which was great for me because I worked extremely hard on it and consider it my best work, ever. Not even in regards to short stories. Ever. It was so good, in fact, that it was the top rated post on the short stories subreddit for a while, which made me feel quite proud indeed.
All of this related to a formspring query, which had a huge part in why I didn’t answer a question for well over a year. But once this was out the way, I finally got right back into it, starting with the question in question.

4 Oct
A girl named Gaby Scanlon celebrated her 18th birthday at Oscar's Wine Bar, a place which specializes in cocktails containing liquid nitrogen. It looks really cool and all, but on her second drink, the substance didn’t evaporate properly and burnt a hole in her stomach. She was rushed to the emergency room and had to get her entire stomach removed. Happy birthday Gaby!
Mark Zuckerberg announces a historic milestone for Facebook - one billion active users on his little website.
I finish reading The Girl Who Played with Fire.

5 Oct
David Blaine performs a 72 hour endurance stunt called "Electrified: One Million Volts Always On" where he stood on top of 22-foot pillar, which discharged at least one million volts continuously to his conducting suit. A little research shows how safe this actually is, as there was literally no danger of him getting electrocuted. However, it was fairly impressive that he didn’t eat or sleep the entire time, so points there, I guess.
I played my second Coming Down Happy gig at The Vic. I didn't particularly want to do it, but it was The Freewheelin’ Troubadour’s “goodbye gig”, as he was about to go on holiday to Thailand for a few weeks. It was mostly a poetry night, so I felt my inclusion was a bit misplaced, and as a result, I wasn’t all that well received. Still, I enjoyed myself, and you can watch me play And As Soon As I Ejaculated I Knew That I Had Made A Mistake here.

7 Oct
Heriberto Lazcano dies at age 37. He was the most powerful cartel leader to be killed since the start of Mexico's drug war in 2006, and died after a shootout with the navy. Live by the gun, my friend.

10 Oct
Amanda Todd dies at age 15. After showing her tits to some man online, she was blackmailed. The man threatened to release the picture of her little boobs if she didn’t show him more, and eventually he posted it around the internet anyway. Amanda fell into depression and was teased majorly in school. A while after, another incident took place where she slept with some girl’s boyfriend, and then got beaten up for it. After developing severe panic disorder, she attempted suicide by drinking bleach. She also tried to overdose on another occasion, and ended up in hospital. After all of this, she released a tear-jerking video talking about her problems, and it went viral. But it wasn’t enough. Just over a month later, she hung herself and finished the job.
The mass media coverage that followed propelled her into posthumous superstardom, to the point that she trended on twitter for a day or so. Even Anonymous got involved, who named a guy they claimed to be the blackmailer. Police couldn’t prove this to be true, but the dude did have an extensive history in pedophilia, and has received thousands of death threats as a result.
The backlash of all this was interesting. Some used the incident as evidence of the cyber-bullying problem in the world right now. Others claimed it wasn’t fair that Amanda got so much attention, when so many other people commit suicide everyday and yet don’t get any coverage. And the harshest of the critics claimed that Amanda was a slut and she deserved all of it. I followed this story quite closely and have my own opinion. Who cares if Todd was a slut? It is a person’s right if they want to show their tits to the internet, and if I could've met her, I would have said “hey, it’s just boobs, no big deal” and then maybe try and sleep with her. Ha, joking! That's illegal! Lol! But what we can all agree on is that this did shine a huge spotlight onto bullying, and for that reason, it is a good thing that this caused such a storm. So what if her specific case didn’t justify the attention? Because the attention ends up in the right place anyway: on society and on pedophiles and on the victims of bullying. And she didn’t deserve it, man. Nobody does. So chill.
In better news, I finished the final Millennium book The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest, 746 pages in 5 days. And I felt so empty afterwards. Lisbeth Salander, I miss you so.

11 Oct
In one of the most memorable events of 2012, 13 different police forces received allegations towards Jimmy Savile, accusing him of sexually abusing under-age and prepubescent girls and boys. Despite the fact that rumours of such activity had followed him his whole life (and the fact that he had been dead for over a year), all the dirty truths came out around this time, eventually the rough number of victims reaching up to 589. As being somewhat of a British media legend, everyone was quick to strip him of all his titles and even his gravestone, his name now completely disgraced while he probably couldn't give a fuck because he is dead, and totally got away with it. How does this happen exactly?
Formspring: Would I rather get my fingers or my nose replaced by penises? Part II

14 Oct
After a few failed attempts, Felix Baumgartner lands in eastern New Mexico after falling just over 39 kilometres from space, which broke the record for highest jump from a manned balloon flight, as well as the fastest speed of free falling at 1,342 kilometres per hour. This also makes him the first human being to break the sound barrier outside of a vehicle. Interestingly enough, his 4 minutes and 19 seconds free fall did not break the previous record set by his mentor Joseph Kittinger, who fell for 17 seconds longer.

16 Oct
My birthday! It wasn’t ideal because I turned 28, which means I failed at my dream of dying young and famous enough to join the 27 club. Because of this, I wrote (but never formally announced) my related rant.
It ain't all bad though, as Justin Pearson wrote on my wall, and then my girlfriend took me out to my first theatrical experience, with We Will Rock You. And it most definitely rocked me.

18 Oct
The Stone Roses announce their reunion with a bunch of new tour dates and a plans for a new album. People were stoked. I was stoked.

19 Oct
Launched the throwaway (and fourth of its kind) blog Another 10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter. It actually received some decent attention, getting a ReTweet from Text-Based Instagram; a Favourite from Preschool Gems; and a ReTweet/Response from Who Is Dubstep. Sick.

22 Oct
Kendrick Lamar - good kid, m.A.A.d. city was released on this day, and quickly became my favourite album of the year.

23 Oct
The 23rd James Bond film premiers named Skyfall. It went on to gross over $951 million worldwide, becoming the 18th highest grossing film of all time; the highest-grossing film of all-time in the UK; the highest-grossing film in the James Bond series; the highest-grossing film worldwide for Sony Pictures; and the third highest-grossing film of 2012.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (41/50): Girls always tell me to “leave the toilet seat down!” so I leave the toilet seat down and then piss all over it.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (42/50): I love the way humans breathe in smoke on purpose. Pinnacle of motherfucking evolution, yo.

24 Oct
A tropical storm upgraded to Hurricane Sandy, the largest Atlantic hurricane in diameter on record, killing 253 people and causing at least $65.6 billion in damages. It ranks in the top five most destructive hurricanes on record. Insanity.
Formspring: Did I start playing music to get chicks?

25 Oct
In the ongoing battle between Apple and Samsung patents, the most embarrassing for the Job cronies was the tablets one. It’s got a long history, but basically put, the UK court ruled that the Galaxy Tab did not infringe on the iPad, and after much whining from Apple, ordered the company to issue an apology about the fuss it kicked up. Apple being Apple (i.e: slowly but surely possessed by The Devil) issued a statement which twisted the court’s words into saying that they ruled the Galaxy Tab wasn’t as “cool” as their iPad, hence why they couldn’t claim damages. They also pointed out how the rest of the world had ruled in their favour, and claimed the UK were just a bit behind.
The court was pissed, called them “dishonest” and a whole bunch of other words, ordering them to rewrite the apology. Apple did so, and then hid the statement with very clever CSS tricks, which once again angered the court, who in turn released their own statement about how Apple were liars and thought they were above the law. There are a lot more details, but I do find it funny how Apple have become the spoilt kid on the playground, with the most pocket money yet still pouting when they can’t get everyone else's. You guys used to be cool, man.

28 Oct
Cyclone Nilam was the deadliest tropical cyclone to directly hit Sri Lanka and southern India in years. With wind speeds of 50 mph, 75 deaths and $56.7 million in damages were reported thanks to this naughty act of God.

29 Oct
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (43/50): The other day my mate called me a “faggot”. I was so offended I nearly stopped sucking his dick.

30 Oct
Disney acquires Lucasfilm for £2.5 billion, and set a 2015 date for Star Wars: Episode VII. Geeks all around the world spat on their computer screens and said some very angry words on popular message boards.

31 Oct
Halloween! To “celebrate”, the seventh Funpowder Plot video of the year was released today, and was called Jared’s Tale, because it was all about ME!
Ignore the fact that it said “2 weeks ago”, as this 100% true story actually took place and was filmed on the 21st January 2011 (go check Dear 2011 on that date for evidence) and I still fear the consequences. Regardless, it was our most successful video of the year, and is a once in a lifetime type of thing, so I am happy to finally get the scariest story of my life out in public.


Dear 2012: November: Obama wins election, Catman commits suicide, Twinkies go extinct, Beck releases sheet music instead of album, Kevin Cash Elmo puppeteer accused of sexual misconduct with a minor

1 Nov
Mitch Lucker (the vocalist for Deathcore band Suicide Silence) dies from an alcohol related motorcycle accident, at age 28. Didn’t know him, but some of my mates were bleak. I just felt sorry for the guy, narrowly missing the 27 club and all.
Alt-J – An Awesome Wave wins the Mercury Prize for 2012. As my 8th favourite album of the year, I was exceptionally happy with this decision. Brilliant fucking release.
Formspring: Assorted animals attack me whilst I'm naked, with full intentions to kill me. How many could I take on?
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (44/50): I don’t know, Christians. These Muslims dudes are willing to blow themselves up for their God. Seems a bit more convincing to me.

2 Nov
I bought a Rode Nt1A Studio Condenser Microphone and an M-Audio Fast Track, finally giving me the freedom to record Coming Down Happy vocals alone in my room.

5 Nov
Stalking Cat (AKA Dennis Avner or Cat Man) was found dead at age 54, which has been theorized as a suicide. He held the world record for the most body modifications by trying to look like a tiger, so maybe he was actually really old in feline years.

6 Nov
Barack Obama wins the United States presidential election against Mitt Romney. With 332 electoral votes, he exceeded the 270 required for him to be re-elected, and became the first Democratic president since Franklin D. Roosevelt to twice win the majority of popular vote. Woooooooo, I would have voted for him, he’s got a cool vibe.

7 Nov
Formspring: Given the choice, would I travel back or forwards in time?

10 Nov
4chan went at it again, this time by orchestrating Operation Kinder. This prank targeted an online Kinder contest, where a child with the most votes could get their image on a box of chocolate bars in Kazakhstan. The operation’s goal was to submit and upvote the image of Death Child (who they affectionately named Victor), and the mission spread to Reddit as well as FunnyJunk. Needless to say, they managed to nail 16,474 votes and won first place, until Kinder figured out what was going on, and deleted the entry. 4chan and Reddit were undeterred, posting it again, and clocking yet another 11,965 votes, putting Victor back on top. Kinder removed him once again. Senselols.

11 Nov
In probably the weirdest music release of the year (and many previous years), legend Beck decided not to record his new album. Instead, he released it as nothing more than sheet music. This gave other musicians the opportunity to interpret his songs however they saw fit, essentially covering Beck tunes that didn’t technically exist. You can listen to a lot of them here. It’s a rad idea.

12 Nov
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (45/50): Guys, y'know "vaginas" and "cleavage"? They're just like... EMPTY SPACE! We are getting TURNED ON by EMPTY SPACE! NOTHING'S ACTUALLY THERE!!

13 Nov
Formspring deletes a whole bunch of my unanswered inbox questions, which totally bleaks me the fuck out. I address this here.

14 Nov
From this date until the 21st, Israel launches Operation Pillar of Defense against the Palestinian-governed Gaza Strip, which ended with the death of 140 Palestinians and five Israelis. Stoppit!
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (46/50): Facebook should have a Pint App which you click for each drink you have. Then people know your level and can judge your activity accordingly

15 Nov
Launched my article The Top 20 Album Artworks of 2012 (according to me). It was a slow burner, but eventually got quite a bit of attention, and I was very pleased with the whole thang. So much so, that this first-of-a-kind will now become a regular yearly feature.
Formspring: Which Avenger character would I be?

16 Nov
Wholesale baker and distributor Hostess, officially announce they have begun to wind down their productions due to recent bankruptcy. Meaning: the death of the American Twinkie :'(

18 Nov
The emoticon ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) (also known as “Le Face Face”) was posted on Finnish image board Yilauta, and became so popular that it spread all over 4chan like an STD spam. It got so out of control, that moderators eventually banned any users who posted the dude.
American Music Awards of 2012 happened. Justin Bieber won all three of his nominations, and out of of their four nominations, Nicki Minaj won two and Rihanna won one. Boring.

20 Nov
Kevin Cash resigns as Sesame street's puppeteer for Elmo, due to allegations of sexual misconduct with a minor. Hard thing to explain to your kids, then.
Formspring: Did Hitler ever say "I love you" and mean it?

24 Nov
Music producer and band manager Chris Stamp dies of cancer at age of 70. He was known as the executive album producer for a lot of The Who’s classics, including Tommy, Who’s Next and Quadrophenia. He also founded the label Track Record Records, which signed Jimi Hendrix. So yeah, pretty cool life, pretty shit death.

25 Nov
Typhoon Bopha (known as "Pablo" in the Philippines) starts now, and kills at least 647 people during his reign, with around 780 still missing. The island of Mindanao got fucked up too.
Rolling Stones play their 50th anniversary show at the O2 arena. I wanted to go, except the tickets ranged from £90 (the cheapest) to £950 (the most expensive). C’mon lads, you didn’t need that much of my money.

26 Nov
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (47/50): “I left the party before it was cool” - self-sabotaging hipster

27 Nov
Formspring: It's been 5 years, isn't it time I gave Maddie back?


Dear 2012: December: Ravi Shankar dies, Connecticut school murderer, Paul McCartney joins Nirvana, Metallica allow their catalogue onto Spotify, Pope Benedict XVI joins Twitter

4 Dec
Formspring: Would I rather rape a puppy or a kitten?
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (48/50): I remember the days when an Instagram was what you called a very fast coke dealer.

7 Dec
Three days after falling for a radio prank and putting a hoax call through to the Duchess of Cambridge’s hospital ward, nurse Jacintha Saldanha commits suicide. She left a note which blamed the radio DJs prank for her reason of death, but I don’t think it’s quite that simple. Pranks are a part of our culture, by no means do I feel these two disc jockeys over-stepped the line. I think this girl who killed herself is the one that took it too far, and none of this is anybody’s fault but her own. Unless the Royals did it. Then it’s their fault.
Metallica finally give in to online music streaming, as their entire catalogue appears on Spotify. After all their fussing with Napster and whatnot, this could very well be the end of the online music war.

9 Dec
Norman Joseph Woodland dies at age 91. He invented the barcode oooooh.

10 Dec
Launched my Top 50 Albums of 2012 (according to me) article. As I’ve said a million times before, it was the best one of these I’ve ever done, and I am super proud of it. So read it.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (49/50): I work so hard on becoming recognized, and then a fucking cat frowns on YouTube and gets a million hits WHERE THE FUCK IS JUSTICE, INTERNET?
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2012 (50/50): I only give a tip to the ugly waitresses. For the hot ones, I give them the whole dick. YEEEAAAAH.

11 Dec
Sitar legend Ravi Shankar dies at age 92 from upper-respiratory and heart issues. As the man who taught George Harrison to play the instrument, it is fair to say he changed western pop music as well as being the “best-known contemporary Indian musician” of all time, winning three Grammys in his lifetime. Sad loss right at the end of the year.

12 Dec
A very memorable 12/12/12 day indeed!
As the stuff legends are made of, Paul McCartney joins the remaining members of Nirvana on stage for a Hurricane Sandy benefit concert. Best of all is that, instead of playing a Nirvana or Beatles track, they wrote a whole new one entitled “Cut Me Some Slack”, and it rocked really hard.
Pope Benedict XVI joins Twitter.
And finally, I released my I Sold Out/Chemo Limo (Regina Spektor cover) single, as Coming Down Happy. Reactions were bad, the worst feedback I got was “that's like watching your own parents have sex”, and the best was “Jared this is terrible, luv it x”. While I understand all of this, what it really was about, was freedom. I had been taking this project far too seriously, so I completely destroyed preconceptions by taking the piss, lowering the bar as I did so, making me feel much more comfortable with any future steps for my music.

13 Dec
Willie Ackerman (drummer who has performed with Johnny Cash, Louis Armstrong, Willie Nelson and The Monkees) dies in his sleep at age 73. Byebye.

14 Dec
Adam Lanza shoots his mother dead, and then ventures to Sandy Hook Elementary School, Connecticut, where he continued his massacre by killing twenty children and six adult staff members. He then shot himself, bringing the death toll to 28, the second-deadliest school shooting in United States' history. And nobody knows why.
The eighth and final Funpowder Plot video of the year was released today, called Jackbid!. It was something Ash just knocked up at work without any intentions of it going anywhere, but we convinced him to allow it onto the site, and he agreed. I’ve watched it a million times.

16 Dec
Finished reading Exquisite Corpse by Poppy Z. Brite. Was one of the most fucked up things I’ve ever had before my eyes.

17 Dec
Dina Manfredini (the world’s oldest living person, until now) dies at just under 116 years old. She was the 10th oldest person ever recorded.

18 Dec
Instagram announce they own all your photographs and can use them in advertising without asking permission or paying you shit. Everyone freaked out, and one day later, they backed down.
My work xmas party. The theme was Movies. I went as this.

19 Dec
Lostprophets' singer Ian Watkins gets charged with sexual offences against minors, including possession of illegal pornography, and conspiring to rape a one-year old girl. Nothing proven yet and the story is still super fresh, but they are pretty intense accusations, I'm sure you agree.

20 Dec
Launched this blog, and you read it, thanks!



Alright, I know I talk too much, I am sorry. But I think in between the lines (and there were many lines) one can see all the goodness here, personal and international, even when the goodness was slightly more badness.

I mean, on paper, it does look pretty good. I managed to put together 12 proper pieces of writing (2 of which related to short stories, and excluding two rants); released 6 songs (4 of which came with their very own cartoon video); played some part in the creation of 8 videos; read 11 books (which isn’t much compared to some people, but a lot for me); and saw 7 bands I love, live (which is hardly enough, really); all while maintaining a hard party life.

But despite my gratitude, I am left feeling somewhat nervous about the future, for two reasons. The first, is that according to many conspiracy theorists and some Mayan calendar thing, tomorrow is the last day on earth (hence why I am releasing this article now). That would suck. If my tiny voice means anything to you, 2012, could we rather not do that? I have a plane ticket to go to South Africa on Xmas, can we wait until after that, at least? Maybe even once the New Years has been all partied out? Please??

But even if this doesn’t happen, the second reason involves 2013 itself. Because, you know, 13 is kind of a suspicious number in the first place, and if my previous yearly articles are anything to go by, I don’t deal all that well with odd numbers. Not to mention, a huge percentage of my friends have left or are leaving London around this time, which does dig some sort of a gaping hole, no doubt.

However, we can remain positive, and I intend to use next year's time to write 12 pieces within the months; release up to 8 songs (too ambitious?); do as much film work as possible; and release my first novelette. It is also my goal to make next year the “year of sin” too, but I don’t need to get into that just yet...

Give 2013 a good word for me, will you? I’d really appreciate the support.

Thank you again, man.
I will never forget you.
Love,
Jared