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Showing posts with label Celebrities. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Celebrities. Show all posts

Sunday, 21 June 2020

David Bowie and the Fabric of Existence


I am going to tell you what happened and what is going to happen.

In 1972, an alien rockstar came to Earth from Mars. His name was Ziggy Stardust and he warned us that the world was set to be destroyed by an apocalyptic disaster within five years.

According to the prophecy, Ziggy himself dies, a victim of his fame. But, in real life, Ziggy only died as a concept, and our saviour lived on among us, holding the fabric of existence together. He went by many incarnations but was best known by his human name, David Bowie.

Sadly, by joining the human race, our alien hero also accepted mortality and met his ultimate fate on the 10th of January 2016, his messianic spirit rocketing back to the stars, where he always belonged.

Our reality was affected instantaneously, following the rule of fives as per the divine predictions. For example, the UK voted to leave the EU five months after his death. Trump took power of the United States five months following that. And, as any person living in our current age will attest to, this was only the beginning. Each year has slipped into deeper realms of unfathomable insanity, "unprecedented" becoming the true new normal.

By all accounts, 2020 has obliterated the previous years in terms of what-the-fuckery. Global issues before 2020 appear laughable now. This is because we completed the fourth rotation in January. Remember the threat of World War 3 due to tensions between the US and Iran? That set the higher motion of this revolution, all taking place within a week of Bowie's death anniversary (as well as his birthday). And if you think COVID-19 and the riots are crazy, just keep watching. Because, right now, as we speak, we are spiralling down the fifth and final year of human existence.

The world is going to end on the 10th of January 2021.


Sunday, 7 June 2020

BREAKING NEWS: New Details Emerge About the Dominic Cummings Lockdown Breach

LONDON. While statements from Dominic Cummings and Mary Wakefield divide a nation on whether his lockdown actions warrant a resignation, there is one central figure to this story that the media has largely overlooked: the couple’s son, Alexander Cedd Cummings.

Recently, investigative journalist Kieran Skieran sat down to interview the four-year-old. Together with renowned language expert, Samuel Crunkbottom (who specialises in the toddler tongue of the silver spoon variety), they uncovered details which may or may not alter the outcome of this narrative.

According to their interpretations, Mr Cummings was struck by a sudden mid-Spring metabolic deficiency and he required his yearly blood-transfusion much earlier than anticipated. However, due to the supply shortage during the COVID-19 pandemic, this procedure could only take place in County Durham at such short notice.

As The Daily Mail reports, Dominic Cummings suffers from a rare hereditary disorder that has run through his interbred ancestry for thousands of years. This medical condition (known as Plasma Occupant Eradication Syndrome but more commonly referred to as “vampire thirsting”) is diagnosed when an individual’s neural tissue becomes dehydrated by their own blood. This results in a myriad of side effects, including the craving for virgin flesh and an inescapable regret towards one’s role in the gradual collapse of Britain.

Little Alexander went on record stating that he feels his daddy’s actions came from a place of good heart. He added that Dominic was much less murderous after the successful transfusion and that the family had a wonderful day celebrating mommy’s birthday at Barnard Castle.


This story was sponsored by the Janthopoyism newsletter. Every month, one lucky subscriber will win a random prize. In May 2020, Kieran won a "200-Word Blog Post on Anything".
His chosen subject was as follows: "As Dominic Cummings and his wife have both wrote separately about their trip to Durham, I'd love to hear from their 4-year-old son who was along for the ride".
It shall be done.
If you'd like to be in the running for future prizes, don't hesitate! Sign up to the mailing list now.