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Monday, 5 April 2010

That Band vs. Band Thang

Originally Written: 04/02/10

I Will Fuck You Up
Hell Yeah, Boxing.

I like music. And I like people who like music. But more than anything, I like people who get angry and like to fight about music. Because I like doing that too.

This gave me the brilliant idea of posting a survey on facebook which placed some of the greatest bands known to man head-to-head in battle. I tagged 100 of my friends and asked them to have their say, hoping at least 50 of them would partake. It was here I realized that I am not quite as popular as I like to believe, as only 23 of them filled it out. That's ok though, I don't mind, and I cheerfully got the remaining votes from the greatest music community on the planet, RateYourMusic.

This is what happened:

Sex Pistols vs. The Clash

01. Sex Pistols vs. The Clash

Winner: The Clash
I CONCUR

Pssst: Dear
People-Who-Voted-For-The-Sex-Pistols... Have you seen Johnny Rotten on any good reality TV shows lately? How about his stint promoting Country Life Butter? Where's your Punk now bitches?? The Clash owns, hands down, case closed, thank you.

Tupac Shakur vs. The Notorious B.I.G.

02. Tupac Shakur vs. The Notorious B.I.G.

Winner: Tupac Shakur
I CONCUR

Tupac not only sold more records than B.I.G. but also claimed to have slept with Faith Evans, Biggie's wife at the time. Points there mate. At the end of the day they both got shot, so let this be a lesson to you kids - don't listen to Hip-Hop.


Bob Dylan vs. Johnny Cash

03. Bob Dylan vs. Johnny Cash

Winner: Bob Dylan
I CONCUR

Hey, so did I tell you about the time I saw Bob Dylan live? Yeah, cos I did. And by "saw Bob Dylan live " I mean I saw a miniature blurry figure on a stage a million miles away, but he was there. And so was I, so I think I actually win in the end.


Tenacious D vs. Flight Of The Conchords

04. Tenacious D vs. Flight Of The Conchords

Winner: Flight Of The Conchords
I CONCUR

Once upon a time there was a really funny actor named Jack Black who started a band with a guy named Kyle Gass, got Dave Grohl to play drums and released a debut album that everyone loved. So then they decided to go one step further, and make an entire movie and an album about the "Pick of Destiny", which was almost funny, but really pretty shit. Flight Of The Conchords, on the other hand, are still awesome and got more votes, so yeah.

Britney Spears vs. Lady Gaga

05. Britney Spears vs. Lady Gaga

Winner: Lady Gaga
I DISAGREE

Gaga is so hot right now. I mean, Britney has Toxic, probably the greatest pop song in the last 10 years, but I guess she doesn't have the fancy costumes and make-up? Don't get me wrong, I love Lady Gaga, but until she shaves her head and attacks a car with an umbrella, I'm not convinced. Unless the rumours about her having a penis are true, then yeah, I'm convinced.


Fatboy Slim vs. The Chemical Brothers

06. Fatboy Slim vs. The Chemical Brothers

Winner: The Chemical Brothers
I CONCUR

I was always disappointed that Fatboy Slim was much more Slim than Fatboy. I kinda felt like I was lied to. Whereas I am pretty sure The Chemical Brothers take lots of drugs, and therefore seem like the more honest choice.

Metallica vs. Slayer

07. Metallica vs. Slayer

Winner: Metallica
I DISAGREE

But... but... I thought everyone hated Metallica? Don't you guys remember when they sued Napster? Slayer will eat your PC before they even knew how to turn it on. Or how about Lars' snare sound on St Anger? Whereas Dave Lombardo was reaching 210 beats per minute on the Reign in Blood album (fact). Doesn't this mean anything to you people? SLAYER WOULD DRAIN METALLICA'S BLOOD AND MAKE A SHRINE WITH IT but I guess I have no proof of that.

Blur vs. Oasis

08. Blur vs. Oasis

Winner: Blur
I CONCUR

Ah, the age old Battle Of Britpop, heavily debated between NME readers with cool hair since 1995. I honestly thought Oasis would win this round, but I'm glad to see we are all on the same page here. And while Noel Gallagher has quit to pursue a solo career (a move that is bad news to both Gallagher's careers) Damon Albarn has his band The Good, the Bad & the Queen to keep us happy. Oh, and did I mention Gorillaz? Yeah, he also has Gorillaz.


Jack Johnson vs. Regina Spektor

09. Jack Johnson vs. Regina Spektor

Winner: Regina Spektor
I CONCUR

Most surprised by this one. I was almost certain that you people had no idea who Regina was and have been bracing myself to explain to you slowly why she is my favourite female artist right now (subject to change whenever). So I'm impressed with ya'll, but now I feel it is important to say that Jack Johnson makes me very happy and I would buy him beer.

John Lennon vs. Paul McCartney

10. John Lennon vs. Paul McCartney

Winner: John Lennon
I CONCUR

Paul McCartney is the most successful songwriter in the history of popular music, fact, according to The Guinness Book of Records. He has 60 gold discs and sales of 100 million singles. His song Yesterday is listed as the most covered song in history by over 3,500 artists so far, and has been played more than 7,000,000 times on American television and radio. He was responsible for 32 number one singles on the U.S. Hot 100 chart. He is the only artist to reach the UK number one as a soloist ("Pipes of Peace"), duo ("Ebony and Ivory" with Stevie Wonder), trio ("Mull of Kintyre", Wings), quartet ("She Loves You", The Beatles), quintet ("Get Back", The Beatles with Billy Preston) and as part of a musical ensemble for charity (Ferry Aid). But John Lennon was the second coming, so that is all.


Cradle Of Filth vs. Dimmu Borgir

11. Cradle Of Filth vs. Dimmu Borgir

Winner: Cradle Of Filth
I CONCUR

I did once try to crucify a virgin whilst listening to Dimmu Borgir, but it just wasn't the same.


Massive Attack vs. Portishead

12. Massive Attack vs. Portishead

Winner: Portishead
I CONCUR

I'm sorry guys, I know this was hard, the two Bristol Trip-Hop Heavy-Weights against each other. It was rude of me to ask but at least it is all over. However, it stands to point out that Massive Attack reached their peak in 1998 with Mezzanine. 10 years later, Portishead released Third, and it was so good that I puked on my lap right before I had my first ever epileptic fit. Good times.

Guns N' Roses vs. Faith No More

13. Guns N' Roses vs. Faith No More

Winner: Guns N' Roses
I DISAGREE

You can't get much closer than this really. Look, Axl is a twat, but I think that is his whole appeal or something? Anyways, Faith No More just reunited, Guns N' Roses replaced every member, and I hate change, so I disagree.


Frank Sinatra vs. Elvis Presley

14. Frank Sinatra vs. Elvis Presley

Winner: TIED
I VOTED FOR ELVIS

This... is... AWESOME. Because you can't decide! You just can't! There is no way! Everything else is shit besides for these 2 guys! Everything! Especially YOUR MOM.

Rihanna vs. Beyonce

15. Rihanna vs. Beyonce

Winner: Beyonce
I DISAGREE

I used to love Beyonce, until she was all up in my face telling me to "put a ring on it"?? Damn lady, and you wonder why the divorce rate is so high? Her ass is big anyway.
UPDATE: I fucked up the statistics here. Beyonce was 54%. My bad, and I apologise.

Muse vs. Placebo

16. Muse vs. Placebo

Winner: Muse
I CONCUR

Yeah, ok, Muse has talent, but that chick who sings for Placebo is much hotter.


Eminem vs. Jay-Z

17. Eminem vs. Jay-Z

Winner: Eminem
I CONCUR

Why didn't you guys vote for Jay-Z? Is it cos he is black? Or do you prefer the guy who talks about slitting his wife's throat whereas Jay-Z is happily married to Beyonce? Personally, I dig the way Eminem got sexual with Borat at the MTV Music awards, I haven't actually ever heard his music.

The Beatles vs. The Rolling Stones

18. The Beatles vs. The Rolling Stones

Winner: The Beatles
I CONCUR

Everytime someone tells me that they prefer The Rolling Stones, I just remind them that The Stones' second single (I Wanna Be Your Man) and their first ever song to reach the UK Top 15 was actually written by The Beatles themselves.

Lily Allen vs. The Streets

19. Lily Allen vs. The Streets

Winner: The Streets
I DISAGREE

The funniest thing about this one is how almost everyone who voted for The Streets apologized to me for doing so, hahaha. Yes, I voted for Lily, but it was a hard one. Put it this way: I have never bought an album from Allen, but I have bought the first 3 of Mike Skinner's releases. That said, I have never made a website trying to meet Mike Skinner, so that means something I am sure.


Queen vs. David Bowie

20. Queen vs. David Bowie

Winner: David Bowie
I CONCUR

Freddie Mercury is a God, but David Bowie is an alien from Mars trying to save us all with music. It's a tough call, but at least David didn't die of AIDS you know? Ha, just kidding Freddie, you know I love you.


The Red Hot Chili Peppers vs. Queens Of The Stone Age

21. The Red Hot Chili Peppers vs. Queens Of The Stone Age

Winner: TIED
I VOTED FOR THE PEPPERS

I found this very tough. While The Queens were one of the pioneers of stoner rock, The Peppers have more letters in their name. In all honesty, until Josh Homme's releases an Autobiography detailing how he did Heroin when he was 10 years old, my vote stays with The Peppers. But this was very interesting indeed.

Madonna vs. Michael Jackson

22. Madonna vs. Michael Jackson

Winner: Michael Jackson
I CONCUR

I bet you would've voted for Madonna if she had just DIED TOO RIGHT?? No? Yeah, me neither I suppose.

The Pixies vs. Nirvana

23. The Pixies vs. Nirvana

Winner: Nirvana
I CONCUR

This was the hardest one for me, and a lot of you commented how difficult you found it as well. Nirvana did change my life, but I really can't talk anymore about this because it hurts too much.


Nine Inch Nails vs. Marilyn Manson

24. Nine Inch Nails vs. Marilyn Manson

Winner: Nine Inch Nails
I CONCUR

I used to be in love with Manson, but has he released anything of any relevance in the last 7 years? No not really. Whereas Trent has released 7 albums in the last 7 years (if you split up the Quadruple Ghost recordings). Oh, and Trent did sign Manson to his Nothing Record Label before Manson had any luck finding a deal, so I have no problem with this one.

The Doors vs. Pink Floyd

25. The Doors vs. Pink Floyd

Winner: Pink Floyd
I DISAGREE

Each to their own, but everytime I listen to Pink Floyd, this little voice in my head flares up and won't go away. It tells me to hurt myself, and my therapist said I had to stop playing Floyd in my room at night or she wouldn't see me anymore.

Radiohead vs. Coldplay

26. Radiohead vs. Coldplay

Winner: Radiohead
I CONCUR

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I have no idea why I asked, sorry.


Robbie Williams vs. Justin Timberlake

27. Robbie Williams vs. Justin Timberlake

Winner: Justin Timberlake
I CONCUR

It's a tough one, because while JT did break Britney's well-publicized virginity, Robbie slept with 3 out of 5 Spice Girls. And while Take-That were bad, *Nsync made me want to cut myself. But Justin dances better, and it might have been the ugly 3 Spice Girls anyway.


Pearl Jam vs. Soundgarden

28. Pearl Jam vs. Soundgarden

Winner: Pearl Jam
I DISAGREE
I may disagree, but they will both always be winners in my eyes <3


Led Zeppelin vs. Black Sabbath

29. Led Zeppelin vs. Black Sabbath

Winner: Led Zeppelin
I CONCUR

Some people had a difficult time with this one. However, most of us didn't, and I think the reason is because Robert Plant has never been on a Reality TV Show mumbling to himself incoherently. I love you Ozzy, but my church used to warn me that Sabbath lead to Satanism. Now you are just a rehab poster boy for the effects of alcoholism.


Pro-Life vs. Pro-Choice

30. Pro-Life vs. Pro-Choice

Winner: Pro-Choice
I CONCUR

KEEP YOUR LAWS OFF OF MY VAGINA.


Thank God that's over.


THE COOL KIDS
The 50 Who Voted, In Order Of Submission

Gerard Janse Van Rensburg; Julia Fabrin Jakobsen; Armin Van Wyk; Paul 'Kenni' Kennedy; Utopus; Mike Dowson; Ammr Khalifa; dmpulp; Karl Rohloff; Alistair Fey; Jacques van Heerden; Kirsten Templar; thisispop71; Incubus17; Samantha Alsemgeest; Jonathan Van Der Velden; Planetist; Jupiter82; APH; Edgie Gypsy; Jaclyn Woods; Adrian Blount; EskimoChain; QFXC; Usurping_Python; Christine Hull; metalbrain; Dew1400; VAAC; Zidanie5; dt2; AeroCooper; satyagraaha; Slot_Machine_777; popoyt; mini_ahlin; ason_jones; jjmsmusic; 51392; Leandra de Waal; Neil Sinclair; Dion Troubadour Power; MacDougall; hfield07; phnuggle; lostmonkeys2; Sarah Adams; Lisa C; Janet Sarah Austin; and JARED WOODS uhn tiss uhn tiss.



The Biggest Mistake Of My Life

Originally Written: 22/01/10

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Stupid MistakeBelieve it or not:

This was only the second biggest mistake of my life.

As I sit here at the Citizens Advice Bureau waiting to find out how I can fight the case of my missing moneys, I thought a good way to pass the time would be to tell you a story that happened to me a few months back. Please bear with me.



I'll never forget it, it was a miserable day and I was walking around Oxford Street with no idea how I got there. Maybe it was Bus 159 but that's irrelevant, I guess. I had just had a Sub of the Day with The Works and despite the cold drizzle, I was feeling chipper as fuck and pretty invincible as I do.



Oxford Street is a consumer paradise, logos of well known brands blaring into my brain and no doubt begging for purchases - as if they needed the money. I needed their fucking money, who's story is this anyway?



Anyway, I consider myself to be somewhat of a genius. IQ tests may disagree, but I wrote the book on Physics For Dummies and I do believe much of Stephen Hawkins' work was based on mine (that bastard). But when I saw a dirty old shop called “That Voodoo You Do” I couldn't quite place where I had seen it before. It was like Deja Vu, except more like an acid trip I took in 'Nam. My heels spun and I entered the small room without much thought on the matter at all.



It stunk like incense and urine, or urine flavoured incense, which seemed impractical to me. I'm sure you can picture it, your cliché looking witch covent except everything had a price tag on it. I swear, even the cobwebs on the ceiling were going for around £1.50 and everything was brown.



A small bell chimed as the door closed behind me and a little old lady who looked like Meryl Streep glanced up and smiled. She was ugly as a dog but I was attracted to her, if you must know. “Touch anything you want” she said to me, and I wasn't sure if she was referring to her merchandise or her body. She looked down and continued fumbling over her game of Sudoku in the London Paper (RIP) and I felt compelled to look busy as if I meant to buy something.

Meryl Streep may or may not be a NaziShe looked nothing like this really.

The thing is, nothing begged to be touched at all - on contrary, everything looked like it was infected with a VD. Everything, but this slightly oversized microscope sitting uncharacteristically between a skull of a small animal and a voodoo doll that looked like me mum. It was weird man, I wanted to run but instead I found myself right in front of the microscope which was priced at £10 – a steal really.

Despite my gut-feel, I leant over and peered in. At first it was a blur and it hurt my eye. I blinked furiously until a picture began to form. I was confused, it didn't make sense. Because once the image focused, I was staring at yet another microscope.

I don't know about you, but I was raised to believe that if you look through a microscope and see another microscope, there is big trouble ahead indeed. Instantly I got a headache and finally my legs obeyed me as I turned to run out of the shop. I heard the old lady cackle and I think she screamed at me “They always come back!”

The weird thing is that I don't remember the rest of the day at all. My next memory was sitting on my bed, clutching my pillow like it was my girlfriend or something. I think I was even licking the casing, and that's embarrassing.

Since then my dreams haven't been the same. I keep having ones about a book that I just can't open and a jersey that knits itself. Which is a refreshing break from my usual dreams filled with murderous screams of rape in the depths of hell, but it was unsettling all the same.

I could go on, but the point of this story is where it all went wrong. For the life of me I can't tell you how this happened, but it did happen, and it is too late now.

It was a Friday night, I was alone at home in Hackney Central and I got a friend request on facebook. I clicked the link and I got such a fright I inhaled my coffee and spluttered it all over my keyboard. The request was from “The Microscope”. We had a thousand friends in common, which is really strange because I don't even have a thousand friends.

I freaked and clicked Ignore. As soon as I lifted my finger off of the mouse, the Ignore button disappeared but the request stayed, and our friends in common jumped up by a further thousand. I must express to you: I was completely sober.

Facebook Friend Request Vagina Cock SlutOf course I was scared, but this was still pretty amazing. I was intrigued, and at this point I felt I had no choice. I accepted the request and as I did so, my PC shut down. My PC is old and decrepit, so I wasn't surprised and figured it was possibly just a bug or a flashback, and stood up to get more coffee. And then there it was.

The microscope was sitting in my door way, and I could feel it looking at me. I screamed like Axl Rose and then this voice boomed “SHUT UP!” and I did.

“Do not be afraid,” it said “I am the best thing that has ever happened to you. I am here to grant you one wish – ANY wish you want. Look into your heart – what is it you most desire? I will give it to you.” This is word for word, I'll never forget it.

My mind raced. A million quid would be nice? How about Hannah Murray tied up in my bed? Or world peace – always a good one? And this is where it happened – the biggest mistake of my life. And I don't know why.

“I wish you were addicted to cigarettes” I said.
“What?” The Microscope questioned.
“You heard me,” I continued “I wish you were a fucking chain smoker for the rest of your life. I wish you felt like death every time you weren't filling you mechanical lungs up with toxic smoke. I wish from now on, you were a hopeless fag addicted microscope.”

There was a pause. Then a cigarette slid out the eye piece of the microscope as if it had been hiding there all along, and smoke bellowed out of all sides.

“SO BE IT, you asshole” it spat at me out of a cloud of nicotine, and then disappeared forever.

I don't know why I wished for that. God, I'd love to have a million quid right now. But seriously, it just came out! I really wanted nothing more than a microscope to be bound by addiction in that moment, and I totally regret this. But at least I never saw it again, and I do laugh every time I think of this smoking microscope trying to grant wishes whilst it coughs it's cogs into a frenzy.

The dreams are still there though.

Ok, my number has been called, it's my turn to talk to an advisor. But please, listen to what I'm saying kids. Don't smoke, it'll kill you.

<3 Jared


My Brief Brushes With Greatness

Originally Written: 12/01/10

Meeting Celebs, Like Richard Nixon
This image is not photoshopped in anyway.
It was taken in 1971 and I was dressed as RoboCop.

As my quest to meet Lily Allen continues, I thought now would be a good time to tell you about the other celebrities I have come into "contact" with in my life. This is important you see, because I was born with a misshapen spleen and a floating rib made of chalk in my body, which harnesses some of the GREATEST POWERS KNOWN TO MAN. Well, that's what I've been told anyway. It was supposed to start working around puberty, but it just never seemed to switch on. My organs are fucked, they just kind of move around the inside of me, really slowly. Almost all my intestines have been near my collar bone for over 6 months now.



So I went and chilled with a witch-doctor in South Peru, who was an asshole. He burnt me with his cigarette once on purpose, told me it was tradition and then he laughed. Anyways, he also told me that my internal turmoil would only truly break free of their spell once I had sucked the fame out of an unknown amount of celebrities around the world. Which seemed logical and I left feeling somewhat enlightened I guess. I knew it was worth the shot anyway, and I set about on my quest. This is how far I have come:



Claudia Schiffer and her Signature
Famous For:
A top supermodel of the 1990's, and she married David Copperfield.

The Story:
When I was like 12 years old or something, I had a massive crush on Claudia. I collected a bunch of her pictures and showed them off like she was my girlfriend. One day some 7th Grader promised me that he had her signature, and he would trade it for the pictures. I would've jizzed in my pants if I was a year older. I agreed, and sure enough, he brought me her signature the very next day. In the end, it was a fake and a cruel joke, so maybe this entry doesn't count.

Joey Jordison from SlipKnot and his Drumstick
Famous For:
Drummer for SlipKnoT. Lesser known as the guitarist for Murder Dolls, and even lesser known for other stuff too.

The Story:
I was in Australia and I went to see SlipKnoT. One of the drummers (I like to pretend it was Joey) threw his drumstick in the crowd. I was nowhere near it and didn't even see it. But after the show I was standing in the queue to take a piss and the guy next to me had it in his hand. He let me touch it with my index finger. I sighed with relief and he looked at me like I had just puked on him.

Melissa Auf Der Maur and her Plectrum
Famous For:
Bassist for Hole and The Smashing Pumpkins. Also done some solo stuff.

The Story:
I went to see Smashing Pumpkins when I was 17 or so in Cape Town. D'arcy had just been kicked out of the band for DRUGS and Hole bassist Melissa Auf Der Maur was filling in. At the very end of the show, she threw her plectrum into the crowd and my sister caught it. I was so pissed off with my sis, I pretty much expected her to give it to me, but she didn't. Anyways, I did touch it and my insides vibrated.
I spent the whole next morning phoning every hotel in Cape Town trying to track them down, and actually did find one that had a "James Iha" who had just checked out :/

Cliff Rigano and his Opinion
Famous For:
Singing in the Nu-Metal band Dry Kill Logic.

The Story:
Who is Dry Kill Logic? Exactly. But at the time, I really liked them because I was 15 years old and NU-METAL WAS SO SICK MAN.
Anyways, I found their email address somewhere, and mailed them pretending I was a journalist in South Africa. I said I wanted to interview them for a magazine and the singer Cliff Rigano responded, saying "ok".
I sent him 10 questions I pulled out my ass and he answered them. I totally tricked a lead singer signed to Roadrunner Records, nice.
However, it didn't do much for me, they just weren't famous enough.

Johnny Whitney and is Political Correctness
Famous For:
Singing in the Post-Hardcore band The Blood Brothers. Also involved with The Vogue, Neon Blonde and Jaguar Love.

The Story:
This is a big one, as The Blood Brothers are still one of my favourite artists ever. Their album Burn Piano Island, Burn (produced by Ross Robinson) had just come out, and I was hooked man, really hooked.
So I searched and searched the net for an email address, and I eventually somehow found their oooold official website which was obviously made before they were famous. And it had an email address.
I mailed and Johnny Whitney responded, and he was my favourite. I was all like "OMG YOU LYK FKN RULEZ MAN LULZ" and he was very decent about it. He was quite amazed that his music had reached me in South Africa, and started to ask a lot of political questions.
I hate politics. Somewhere along the line I think I told him that "yes, people were dying in the streets, but nowhere near I lived", and my general message probably came across really apathetic and borderline discriminatory. I wish I had of worded it better, but it was too late, he stopped responding to my mails. BUT I'LL FORGIVE YOU JOHNNY BOY.

Shaun Morgan and his Sweat
Famous For:
Singing in the Post-Grunge band Seether.

The Story:
Before Seether there was Saron Gas. Important difference: Saron Gas was pretty much the biggest South African Rock Band around 2001 and they deserved it. Then they got signed to the American label Wind-Up Records in 2002, changed their name to Seether, and sounded like every other watered-down Wind-Up band that exists.
Shaun did fuck Amy Lee from Evanescene though, so his organs must've been going ape-shit.
Anyways, I went to one of their shows when they were still South African and playing at Mercury Live in frontof a small(ish) crowd. People were stage diving, so I got up on stage, moshed around with them a bit and then jumped into a sea of hands. It was awesome.
After the show I ran back stage like a good little groupie and asked Shaun Morgan (who was known as Shaun Welgemoed at the time) to sign my album cover. He did so, and a drop of sweat landed on his freshly marked signature. "Sorry" he apologised.
He had no idea that I was planning to eat the entire cover when I got home.

Ross Jeffries and his Cock
Famous For:
Picking up girls and teaching people how to do the same.

The Story:
I know you don't know who he is, but when I met him, I knew of him well. He is pretty much the guru of picking up chicks, arguably the original Pick Up Artist. Read Neil Strauss' The Game, because it is an excellent book and introduced me to Ross' work. It even talks about how the guy ran around like a dog after Carmen Electra trying to sniff her ass. She's pretty famous.
ANYWAYS, I won a free seat at one of his seminars over Twitter, worth $1500 so I was stoked. It was 3 days worth of Nero-linguistic Programming and Hypnotism, the whole thing was kinda weird. I got to shake his hand ("Your hand is sweaty! Everyone wipe your hands BEFORE you touch me" he said to me) and take the above photo.
Whilst I did get celeb-shock and blurted out my words like I had some kind of speech disorder, it still wasn't enough to really power-up my chalk rib. This is because PUA is lame and now I pick up chicks using drugs and money.

Bret Hart and his Cheeks
Famous For:
Pretending to beat people up.

The Story:
Oh yeah! Seven-Time World Wrestling Entertainment Champion! Can you feel that shit? CAN YOU!?!? I have his signature bitches! Read it and weep He signed my fucking January issue of the official WWF magazine when I was 8 years old. So what you gonna do now, huh?
Yeah, then you get older, and you don't care anymore. But like or not, Bret Hart has that magical thing called "Fame", and I have his signature. It's in my January issue of the official WWF magazine. And that is why whenever things are going my way, I like to take a moment, pause and say "Thank You Bret. Thank You."

Mike Skinner and his Wrist
Famous For:
"Singing" for The Streets.

The Story:
Mike Skinner is well famous, proper like. I am a big fan, I even have his lunchbox and trading cards. So when I looked in the newspaper and realized he was playing a show just down my road at the Roundhouse, I was all like "should we go?" and my housemate was all like "yeah, let's go" and so we went.
The show was mind-blowing, and using our "pretend it's all just meat™" method, we pushed our way to the front.
At the very end of the show, Mike jumped into the crowd. Everyone surged towards him, and I could see his arm in range. I lunged as hard as I could, and my floating rib sparked and rattled as my hand gripped onto his wrist. I could feel his fame getting sucked into my very being, and he noticed it too. He yanked his wrist from my dirty fingers and was gone, carried away by the waves of people. But I have a part of him now. Oh yes, Mike. I have a part of you now.

Chino Moreno and his Fat
Famous For:
Singing for The Deftones.

The Story:
Deftones are one of those bands that have never sucked. As the people's taste changes, this band effortlessly slides into new sounds and everyone loves them. All the while their competition melts away into has-beens and what-nots.
In 2009 I went to their show at the HMV forum. The show was wicked, I was at the front, and I never wanted it to end. Not surprisingly, it did end, but just before they walked off stage Chino started to slap the hands of the front row audience. I stuck my hand out as far as I could, and willed with all my might "you will touch this hand". And he did.
This is bigger than it sounds, as this is the only example where someone in the "famous" region has touched me on their own accord. It was a brief slap, but I haven't washed my hand since and my deformed insides remember this as the closest it has come to awakening.


As you can see I'm not doing to well. You just read an entire blog about a guy who has actually never met anyone famous in his whole life. How does that make you feel?

At least now you know the truth of why I want to meet Lily Allen. You can stop asking. It's not because I like her or that I even know who she is. It's just that she is famous, and once I get my photograph, my mutated guts will surely have enough power to summon a demon or make money or something. I mean, surely, right? Right?? SURELY.

Eventually I am going to try and make out with Paul McCartney regardless of what happens.

Thanks for reading my blog,
Love Jared



OUTTAKES

Buck Angel and his Vagina
This one literally just happened. Buck Angel is pretty much the most famous guy in the world who has a vagina. I tweeted him with "
I watched some of your porn and I threw up a little in my mouth. Keep up the good work." and he responded with "HAA!! Awesome glad I could help! WOOF".
Not totally famous, but the dude has a vagina, c'mon.

David Firth and his Pipe
David Firth is the "Salad Fingers" guy, but he does loads of other and better stuff too. He is making some kind of full-length feature, and he blogs about it here. I commented and asked a bunch of questions and he answered. Yay, I am a massive fan.

Burning Spear and his Beard
If you know Reggae, you know this guy. When I was 11 years old or so, I did not know Reggae. I was on a plane to go somewhere, and this massive rasta group was there. They all looked stoned AND I BET THEY WERE. When the air hostess asked the one guy for an autograph, I knew something was up.
I turned around and said to the guy "Are you in a band?" and he said "That's what they tell me mon". Only 5 years later did I realize how cool Burning Spear was, but by that time it was too late, the organs had missed it.


Dear 2009

Originally Written: 31/12/10

Dear 2009

Good riddance you asshole.

Ha, just joking, you know me man. In all seriousness though, I do think we could've done better. I am not saying it's your fault entirely, but it does take two to tango, you know? I think maybe if you had pulled your weight a bit better and realised there is no "I" in "Team", you could've been a little more selfless in your actions. Don't get me wrong, you were special in some ways, being my first full year in London and all. But I still feel you weren't quite as cool as some of your predecessors. 2008 for example. But hey, I was entertained, you were entertained, and I suppose that's both our jobs done and we can call it even this time round.

Musically, you owned, I will give you that. Of course, my choices were hardly ever exclusive byproducts of you, but you still gave me some space to brush up on the classics, and I appreciate that man. And I'll admit that I did occasionally dabble in your superstars along with the rest of the world. The Black Eyed Peas', the Lady Gaga's, the La Roux's and the MGMT's really dominated your airwaves, and when no one was around, I was known to give them a listen. But in general I found more satisfaction within the sounds of The Flaming Lips, Tom Waits, Sonic Youth, Nick Cave and Blur. These artists deserved attention that I had never given them before, so it was nice to welcome them the opportunity to consume my speakers. This is not to say that I spent the entire year looking only musically at the decades before. There were also somewhat newer artists that made me happy such as Crystal Castles, Regina Spektor, MIA, Santigold, Die Antwoord, The Ting Tings, Royksopp and sometimes (
sometimes) Mika. Not to mention the massive injection of Dubstep which found itself into my daily musical diet.

But music is a given for any year, and there were other factors that stood out about you. Stuff like spending countless days worth of online time watching Family Guy. Or the blind drunkardness of The Church on Sundays. Or me and my housemates' mission to find the hottest chili, curry or sauce on the planet (resulting in mornings bleeding into the toilet). I also remember some rumours about a recession or a swine flu or something like that, never really heard the whole story.

I could ramble on in a disorganized fashion about 2009-this and 2009-that, but for the sake of no one in particular, I figure it would be good a time to narrow this all down into manageable bite-sizes. Many many years ago someone decided to split the 365 days calendar into 12 sections, and to honour this practice, I shall analyse you monthly.

I hope this gives you the respect you deserve, 2009, as you are truly on your dying legs. I hope you enjoyed it, because if you didn't, why'd you come here in the first place huh?

David Weidmann, Barrack Obama, Mystery Method
The 1st
One of my best friends in the world dies of a cocaine overdose, and I cried and I cried.
The 6th
Animal Collective release Merriweather Post Pavilion, which is pretty much the most critically acclaimed album of the year.
The 20th
The 44th (and first black) president of the United States, Barack Obama was inaugurated into power.
Misc
It is also important to mention that at this point I was very into the Art of Picking Up Chicks, spending hours reading material and aimlessly hitting on innocent girls using canned openers and following an exact formula. It took months before I realised how stupid this all was.

Abbey Road, Faith No More, Burning Shit
The 7th
The deadliest Australian Bush fires in history killed 173 people, injured 500 and left 7,500 homeless.
The 8th
The Taliban released that video of Piotr Stanczak getting his head cut-off.
On the same day Blink-182 announced their reformation. I really liked their self-titled album, so I was happy.
The 24th
Even bigger, on this day Faith No More announced their reformation. Best news ever for a little Patton-Junkie such as myself.
Misc
I also think it was sometime in this month that me and my friends finally did the Abbey Road crossing photo, big dream come true.

As Seen On Facebook, Britney Spears, Royksopp
The 6th
Launched Juice One: As Seen on Facebook, and all of this began.
The 10th
Britney Spears releases her single If U Seek Amy from her album Circus. It caused much controversy with it's sexual innuendos, and made me a very excited little boy indeed. I am, in fact, begging to fuck you Britney - how did you know??
The 23rd
Royksopp released their album Junior, and it was awesome. The song Happy Up Here became a massive anthem for 2009 in my household.

The Rad Pad, Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney
The 4th
Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr took stage together at Radio City Music Hall for the David Lynch foundation.
The 25th
I got to do something I never thought possible: see Bob Dylan live at the O2 whilst super high on a potent hash brownie. Surreal.
Misc
At some point in this month I moved from my awesome home in Camden to an even better place on Brick Lane. We named it The Rad Pad and it was the undisputed best place I have ever lived with the best people I could ever ask for. Let me make this very clear: WE DESTROYED IT like true Rock Stars and no amount of words could explain this properly. There were multiple holes in the walls and my bed was shattered by the time we left.

Southend, Break Up, Eminem
The 19th
Eminem released Relapse, the undisputed Guilty Pleasure of 2009, totally fucking up my LASTFM account.
The 20th
Art Brut releases their third album Art Brut vs. Satan. I got into them here in a big way and loved going back and learning their entire catalogue.
The 29th
Me and few mates went to Southend, Essex and camped on the side of the road in true bergie fashion. Tons of alcohol, tons of messiness, tons of awesomeness, SpongeBob.
Misc
My "girlfriend" of sorts broke up with me after 6 months of something. We still get along just fine.

Art-Pulpitations, Michael Jackson, Band Stuff
The 1st
Launched Juice Two: Art-Pulpitations, which has grown up so much since then *sniff*.
The 3rd
Black Eyed Peas released The E.N.D. which was possibly the biggest album of the year.
The 5th
I got a random email from a guy named Anton who found me on the net and wanted me to audition for his band. Months and months and many guitarists later, we are secure and still going strong.
The 9th
Sonic Youth release The Eternal, their 16th studio album.
The 11th
Swine Flu was announced as a global pandemic.
The 12th
Despite the pandemic, I spent the next 3 days surrounded by dirty metalheads at Download Festival 2009. Finally saw Marilyn Manson, but more importantly, got to do something that I never considered a possibility: I witnessed Faith No More put on one of the best shows I have ever ever been a part of. MASSIVE highlight, thanks 2009.
The 23rd
Regina Spektor releases her third album Far. Not her best, but still good enough.
The 25th
Michael Jackson dies at 50, and the world mourned the loss of our own Elvis Presley.
The 29th
La Roux releases her Self-Titled Debut, and our house never heard the end of it.

Solar Eclipse, Blur, Lady Gaga
The 2nd
Blur had their 20 year reunion and superconcert at Hyde Park. My housemate assures me it was excellent.
The 13th
Lady Gaga becomes the first performer since Avril Laveigne and Ace of Base to have 3 number 1 songs from her debut album.
The 22nd
The longest solar eclipse of the 21st century lasted for 6 min 38.8 seconds over Asia.

Radiohead, As Seen On Facebook Dies, Ross Jeffries
The 5th
As Seen On Facebook hit 1000 members, and then got shut down by the admins.
The 7th
Typhoon Morakot struck Taiwan leaving 500 dead and 1000 stranded.
The 13th
Legend Les Paul died at age 94, and the guitar world ached.
The 21st-23rd
I won a seat at a seminar held by Ross Jeffries, arguably the biggest guru of Pick Up Artist game. His techniques involved NLP and hypnotism, and despite making out with a girl only hours after the seminar, it was here I realised how lame it was and promptly swore to quit the embarrassing scene once and for all.
The 26th
Saw Deftones live at the HMV Forum. So fucking good. Chino touched my hand.
The 28th
Lily Allen releases her excellent sophomore It's Not Me, It's You. I began to really get into her music and her person at this point, already joking that I would meet her one day. These words became quite a major fixture of 2009.
The 29th
Saw Radiohead at Leeds Festival. Best. Concert. EVER. Highlight of London, never mind 2009.

Homeless, Rumination Syndrome, Jay-Z
The 1st
Round about this time, a bunch of bailiffs knocked on our door and kicked us on the street. Homeless, because our Landlord wasn't using our rent money to pay the mortgage. We spent 2 weeks sleeping at friends' places before we got back into the Rad Pad. We then managed to live there for free for over 2 months. Ftw.
The 8th
Jay-Z releases The Blueprint III. About 4 of these tracks were never far from my thoughts.
The 9th
The entire Beatles catalogue was remastered and rereleased to coincide with The Beatles Rock Band game.
The 10th
Nine Inch Nails played their last "foreseeable" concert.
The 29th
A 8.3 magnitude earthquake caused a tsunami that hit the Samoan Islands and killed 189 people.
The 30th
A 7.6 earthquake Samatra hit Indonesia and killed 1000 people. Had a bad week 2009?
Misc
After much research, it was this month I discovered I have the chronic eating disorder Rumination Syndrome. This just means I can puke on command, ask me to show you some time, it's pretty funny.

Keaton, Emoness, Money, Fuck You Chantelle Schmidt
The 9th - The 23rd
Went to South Africa. I have spent too much time thinking, talking and hurting about this, so I have chosen to not include the mess nor give any undeserving power to it, ever again.
On the upside, it was here that I decided to stop putting so much energy into finding the love-of-my-life and rather work on becoming a success through the Juice thang. Because the rest will follow.
It was also now that my job back in London made me redundant. They eventually retracted this, but here began my struggle to get all the money they owed me which continues to this day.
All is not lost, I did get to meet my first nephew Keaton. That made everything completely worth it. It was also great to see a bunch of my old friends again (sorry I was so depressing guys, next time we will do it right, I promise).
The 13th
The Flaming Lips release the double-album Embryonic, their 12th studio release. Critics love it.

Lily Allen, Newquey, Live
The 1st
I can't remember the exact date, but almost all my London friends and I went to Newquey for my housemate's surprise party. We slept in huts, surfed and chased goats around a field at midnight. Here I realised that London is my home.
The 17th
Launched Juice Three: Help Jared Woods Meet Lily Allen.com which drummed up more attention than any other Juice before.
The 18th
The biggest act of 2009, Lady Gaga releases "The Fame Monster". Basically just a glorified b-side album.
The 23rd
Tom Waits releases his live album Glitter and Doom.
The 30th
The band Live broke up. Really? What took you so long?

Juice Nothing, Rage Against the Machine, John Frusciante
The 1st
Finally said goodbye to the Rad Pad and moved to Murder Mile with the exact same crew. Murder Mile has had more murders than any other place in London, around 8 men in 2 years. If that wasn't cool enough, we now have a fucking pool table. So far we have only smashed one window, burnt one floor and broken one pool cue. Not bad.
The 16th
John Frusciante announces his departure from The Red Hot Chili Peppers :'(
The 17th
Launched Juice Nothing, for this very reason.
On the same day I saw Lily Allen live in concert, read more here
The 20th
On one of the coolest musical days ever, people on facebook who were tired of the X-Factor always dominating the Xmas number 1, got together and fought it with the song Killing In The Name by Rage Against The Machine. We won. Power to the people.
Then Britney Murphey died, very sad.
The 22nd
The Flaming Lips release their 2nd album of the year, an entire cover album of The Dark Side of the Moon, featuring White Dwarves, Henry Rollins and Peaches.
Misc
As a cherry on top, someone very (very fucking) close to me got diagnosed with cancer. Nice way to see it all off, thanks.


So... what did you think 2009? Did you enjoy the mess you made? I hope so. If you can do me a favour and call 2010, ask if we can maybe avoid the instability of work and home this time? And as for my relationships... actually never mind.

But I wouldn't be much of an optimist if I didn't thank you for being the most creative year of my life. And there is nothing more important to me. Not to mention I saw some of the best, most legendary artists in the world; had good music to get me through; and met people I am blessed to spend my time with. So I'll give you a gold star for that, here you go.

And it is with that long and occasionally painful reflection, I bid you farewell 2009. And good luck in your quest for significance as you get buried amongst all the years that came before and will come after you. Personally, I think 2010 is going to kick your ass.

Love Jared

P.S: In case anyone asks, my new years resolution will be the same as it is every year: Get Fucked Less. Do More Work.
<3