Monday, 5 April 2010

My Brief Brushes With Greatness

Originally Written: 12/01/10

Meeting Celebs, Like Richard Nixon
This image is not photoshopped in anyway.
It was taken in 1971 and I was dressed as RoboCop.

As my quest to meet Lily Allen continues, I thought now would be a good time to tell you about the other celebrities I have come into "contact" with in my life. This is important you see, because I was born with a misshapen spleen and a floating rib made of chalk in my body, which harnesses some of the GREATEST POWERS KNOWN TO MAN. Well, that's what I've been told anyway. It was supposed to start working around puberty, but it just never seemed to switch on. My organs are fucked, they just kind of move around the inside of me, really slowly. Almost all my intestines have been near my collar bone for over 6 months now.

So I went and chilled with a witch-doctor in South Peru, who was an asshole. He burnt me with his cigarette once on purpose, told me it was tradition and then he laughed. Anyways, he also told me that my internal turmoil would only truly break free of their spell once I had sucked the fame out of an unknown amount of celebrities around the world. Which seemed logical and I left feeling somewhat enlightened I guess. I knew it was worth the shot anyway, and I set about on my quest. This is how far I have come:

Claudia Schiffer and her Signature
Famous For:
A top supermodel of the 1990's, and she married David Copperfield.

The Story:
When I was like 12 years old or something, I had a massive crush on Claudia. I collected a bunch of her pictures and showed them off like she was my girlfriend. One day some 7th Grader promised me that he had her signature, and he would trade it for the pictures. I would've jizzed in my pants if I was a year older. I agreed, and sure enough, he brought me her signature the very next day. In the end, it was a fake and a cruel joke, so maybe this entry doesn't count.

Joey Jordison from SlipKnot and his Drumstick
Famous For:
Drummer for SlipKnoT. Lesser known as the guitarist for Murder Dolls, and even lesser known for other stuff too.

The Story:
I was in Australia and I went to see SlipKnoT. One of the drummers (I like to pretend it was Joey) threw his drumstick in the crowd. I was nowhere near it and didn't even see it. But after the show I was standing in the queue to take a piss and the guy next to me had it in his hand. He let me touch it with my index finger. I sighed with relief and he looked at me like I had just puked on him.

Melissa Auf Der Maur and her Plectrum
Famous For:
Bassist for Hole and The Smashing Pumpkins. Also done some solo stuff.

The Story:
I went to see Smashing Pumpkins when I was 17 or so in Cape Town. D'arcy had just been kicked out of the band for DRUGS and Hole bassist Melissa Auf Der Maur was filling in. At the very end of the show, she threw her plectrum into the crowd and my sister caught it. I was so pissed off with my sis, I pretty much expected her to give it to me, but she didn't. Anyways, I did touch it and my insides vibrated.
I spent the whole next morning phoning every hotel in Cape Town trying to track them down, and actually did find one that had a "James Iha" who had just checked out :/

Cliff Rigano and his Opinion
Famous For:
Singing in the Nu-Metal band Dry Kill Logic.

The Story:
Who is Dry Kill Logic? Exactly. But at the time, I really liked them because I was 15 years old and NU-METAL WAS SO SICK MAN.
Anyways, I found their email address somewhere, and mailed them pretending I was a journalist in South Africa. I said I wanted to interview them for a magazine and the singer Cliff Rigano responded, saying "ok".
I sent him 10 questions I pulled out my ass and he answered them. I totally tricked a lead singer signed to Roadrunner Records, nice.
However, it didn't do much for me, they just weren't famous enough.

Johnny Whitney and is Political Correctness
Famous For:
Singing in the Post-Hardcore band The Blood Brothers. Also involved with The Vogue, Neon Blonde and Jaguar Love.

The Story:
This is a big one, as The Blood Brothers are still one of my favourite artists ever. Their album Burn Piano Island, Burn (produced by Ross Robinson) had just come out, and I was hooked man, really hooked.
So I searched and searched the net for an email address, and I eventually somehow found their oooold official website which was obviously made before they were famous. And it had an email address.
I mailed and Johnny Whitney responded, and he was my favourite. I was all like "OMG YOU LYK FKN RULEZ MAN LULZ" and he was very decent about it. He was quite amazed that his music had reached me in South Africa, and started to ask a lot of political questions.
I hate politics. Somewhere along the line I think I told him that "yes, people were dying in the streets, but nowhere near I lived", and my general message probably came across really apathetic and borderline discriminatory. I wish I had of worded it better, but it was too late, he stopped responding to my mails. BUT I'LL FORGIVE YOU JOHNNY BOY.

Shaun Morgan and his Sweat
Famous For:
Singing in the Post-Grunge band Seether.

The Story:
Before Seether there was Saron Gas. Important difference: Saron Gas was pretty much the biggest South African Rock Band around 2001 and they deserved it. Then they got signed to the American label Wind-Up Records in 2002, changed their name to Seether, and sounded like every other watered-down Wind-Up band that exists.
Shaun did fuck Amy Lee from Evanescene though, so his organs must've been going ape-shit.
Anyways, I went to one of their shows when they were still South African and playing at Mercury Live in frontof a small(ish) crowd. People were stage diving, so I got up on stage, moshed around with them a bit and then jumped into a sea of hands. It was awesome.
After the show I ran back stage like a good little groupie and asked Shaun Morgan (who was known as Shaun Welgemoed at the time) to sign my album cover. He did so, and a drop of sweat landed on his freshly marked signature. "Sorry" he apologised.
He had no idea that I was planning to eat the entire cover when I got home.

Ross Jeffries and his Cock
Famous For:
Picking up girls and teaching people how to do the same.

The Story:
I know you don't know who he is, but when I met him, I knew of him well. He is pretty much the guru of picking up chicks, arguably the original Pick Up Artist. Read Neil Strauss' The Game, because it is an excellent book and introduced me to Ross' work. It even talks about how the guy ran around like a dog after Carmen Electra trying to sniff her ass. She's pretty famous.
ANYWAYS, I won a free seat at one of his seminars over Twitter, worth $1500 so I was stoked. It was 3 days worth of Nero-linguistic Programming and Hypnotism, the whole thing was kinda weird. I got to shake his hand ("Your hand is sweaty! Everyone wipe your hands BEFORE you touch me" he said to me) and take the above photo.
Whilst I did get celeb-shock and blurted out my words like I had some kind of speech disorder, it still wasn't enough to really power-up my chalk rib. This is because PUA is lame and now I pick up chicks using drugs and money.

Bret Hart and his Cheeks
Famous For:
Pretending to beat people up.

The Story:
Oh yeah! Seven-Time World Wrestling Entertainment Champion! Can you feel that shit? CAN YOU!?!? I have his signature bitches! Read it and weep He signed my fucking January issue of the official WWF magazine when I was 8 years old. So what you gonna do now, huh?
Yeah, then you get older, and you don't care anymore. But like or not, Bret Hart has that magical thing called "Fame", and I have his signature. It's in my January issue of the official WWF magazine. And that is why whenever things are going my way, I like to take a moment, pause and say "Thank You Bret. Thank You."

Mike Skinner and his Wrist
Famous For:
"Singing" for The Streets.

The Story:
Mike Skinner is well famous, proper like. I am a big fan, I even have his lunchbox and trading cards. So when I looked in the newspaper and realized he was playing a show just down my road at the Roundhouse, I was all like "should we go?" and my housemate was all like "yeah, let's go" and so we went.
The show was mind-blowing, and using our "pretend it's all just meat™" method, we pushed our way to the front.
At the very end of the show, Mike jumped into the crowd. Everyone surged towards him, and I could see his arm in range. I lunged as hard as I could, and my floating rib sparked and rattled as my hand gripped onto his wrist. I could feel his fame getting sucked into my very being, and he noticed it too. He yanked his wrist from my dirty fingers and was gone, carried away by the waves of people. But I have a part of him now. Oh yes, Mike. I have a part of you now.

Chino Moreno and his Fat
Famous For:
Singing for The Deftones.

The Story:
Deftones are one of those bands that have never sucked. As the people's taste changes, this band effortlessly slides into new sounds and everyone loves them. All the while their competition melts away into has-beens and what-nots.
In 2009 I went to their show at the HMV forum. The show was wicked, I was at the front, and I never wanted it to end. Not surprisingly, it did end, but just before they walked off stage Chino started to slap the hands of the front row audience. I stuck my hand out as far as I could, and willed with all my might "you will touch this hand". And he did.
This is bigger than it sounds, as this is the only example where someone in the "famous" region has touched me on their own accord. It was a brief slap, but I haven't washed my hand since and my deformed insides remember this as the closest it has come to awakening.

As you can see I'm not doing to well. You just read an entire blog about a guy who has actually never met anyone famous in his whole life. How does that make you feel?

At least now you know the truth of why I want to meet Lily Allen. You can stop asking. It's not because I like her or that I even know who she is. It's just that she is famous, and once I get my photograph, my mutated guts will surely have enough power to summon a demon or make money or something. I mean, surely, right? Right?? SURELY.

Eventually I am going to try and make out with Paul McCartney regardless of what happens.

Thanks for reading my blog,
Love Jared


Buck Angel and his Vagina
This one literally just happened. Buck Angel is pretty much the most famous guy in the world who has a vagina. I tweeted him with "
I watched some of your porn and I threw up a little in my mouth. Keep up the good work." and he responded with "HAA!! Awesome glad I could help! WOOF".
Not totally famous, but the dude has a vagina, c'mon.

David Firth and his Pipe
David Firth is the "Salad Fingers" guy, but he does loads of other and better stuff too. He is making some kind of full-length feature, and he blogs about it here. I commented and asked a bunch of questions and he answered. Yay, I am a massive fan.

Burning Spear and his Beard
If you know Reggae, you know this guy. When I was 11 years old or so, I did not know Reggae. I was on a plane to go somewhere, and this massive rasta group was there. They all looked stoned AND I BET THEY WERE. When the air hostess asked the one guy for an autograph, I knew something was up.
I turned around and said to the guy "Are you in a band?" and he said "That's what they tell me mon". Only 5 years later did I realize how cool Burning Spear was, but by that time it was too late, the organs had missed it.

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