Monday, 5 April 2010

The Biggest Mistake Of My Life

Originally Written: 22/01/10

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Stupid MistakeBelieve it or not:

This was only the second biggest mistake of my life.

As I sit here at the Citizens Advice Bureau waiting to find out how I can fight the case of my missing moneys, I thought a good way to pass the time would be to tell you a story that happened to me a few months back. Please bear with me.

I'll never forget it, it was a miserable day and I was walking around Oxford Street with no idea how I got there. Maybe it was Bus 159 but that's irrelevant, I guess. I had just had a Sub of the Day with The Works and despite the cold drizzle, I was feeling chipper as fuck and pretty invincible as I do.

Oxford Street is a consumer paradise, logos of well known brands blaring into my brain and no doubt begging for purchases - as if they needed the money. I needed their fucking money, who's story is this anyway?

Anyway, I consider myself to be somewhat of a genius. IQ tests may disagree, but I wrote the book on Physics For Dummies and I do believe much of Stephen Hawkins' work was based on mine (that bastard). But when I saw a dirty old shop called “That Voodoo You Do” I couldn't quite place where I had seen it before. It was like Deja Vu, except more like an acid trip I took in 'Nam. My heels spun and I entered the small room without much thought on the matter at all.

It stunk like incense and urine, or urine flavoured incense, which seemed impractical to me. I'm sure you can picture it, your cliché looking witch covent except everything had a price tag on it. I swear, even the cobwebs on the ceiling were going for around £1.50 and everything was brown.

A small bell chimed as the door closed behind me and a little old lady who looked like Meryl Streep glanced up and smiled. She was ugly as a dog but I was attracted to her, if you must know. “Touch anything you want” she said to me, and I wasn't sure if she was referring to her merchandise or her body. She looked down and continued fumbling over her game of Sudoku in the London Paper (RIP) and I felt compelled to look busy as if I meant to buy something.

Meryl Streep may or may not be a NaziShe looked nothing like this really.

The thing is, nothing begged to be touched at all - on contrary, everything looked like it was infected with a VD. Everything, but this slightly oversized microscope sitting uncharacteristically between a skull of a small animal and a voodoo doll that looked like me mum. It was weird man, I wanted to run but instead I found myself right in front of the microscope which was priced at £10 – a steal really.

Despite my gut-feel, I leant over and peered in. At first it was a blur and it hurt my eye. I blinked furiously until a picture began to form. I was confused, it didn't make sense. Because once the image focused, I was staring at yet another microscope.

I don't know about you, but I was raised to believe that if you look through a microscope and see another microscope, there is big trouble ahead indeed. Instantly I got a headache and finally my legs obeyed me as I turned to run out of the shop. I heard the old lady cackle and I think she screamed at me “They always come back!”

The weird thing is that I don't remember the rest of the day at all. My next memory was sitting on my bed, clutching my pillow like it was my girlfriend or something. I think I was even licking the casing, and that's embarrassing.

Since then my dreams haven't been the same. I keep having ones about a book that I just can't open and a jersey that knits itself. Which is a refreshing break from my usual dreams filled with murderous screams of rape in the depths of hell, but it was unsettling all the same.

I could go on, but the point of this story is where it all went wrong. For the life of me I can't tell you how this happened, but it did happen, and it is too late now.

It was a Friday night, I was alone at home in Hackney Central and I got a friend request on facebook. I clicked the link and I got such a fright I inhaled my coffee and spluttered it all over my keyboard. The request was from “The Microscope”. We had a thousand friends in common, which is really strange because I don't even have a thousand friends.

I freaked and clicked Ignore. As soon as I lifted my finger off of the mouse, the Ignore button disappeared but the request stayed, and our friends in common jumped up by a further thousand. I must express to you: I was completely sober.

Facebook Friend Request Vagina Cock SlutOf course I was scared, but this was still pretty amazing. I was intrigued, and at this point I felt I had no choice. I accepted the request and as I did so, my PC shut down. My PC is old and decrepit, so I wasn't surprised and figured it was possibly just a bug or a flashback, and stood up to get more coffee. And then there it was.

The microscope was sitting in my door way, and I could feel it looking at me. I screamed like Axl Rose and then this voice boomed “SHUT UP!” and I did.

“Do not be afraid,” it said “I am the best thing that has ever happened to you. I am here to grant you one wish – ANY wish you want. Look into your heart – what is it you most desire? I will give it to you.” This is word for word, I'll never forget it.

My mind raced. A million quid would be nice? How about Hannah Murray tied up in my bed? Or world peace – always a good one? And this is where it happened – the biggest mistake of my life. And I don't know why.

“I wish you were addicted to cigarettes” I said.
“What?” The Microscope questioned.
“You heard me,” I continued “I wish you were a fucking chain smoker for the rest of your life. I wish you felt like death every time you weren't filling you mechanical lungs up with toxic smoke. I wish from now on, you were a hopeless fag addicted microscope.”

There was a pause. Then a cigarette slid out the eye piece of the microscope as if it had been hiding there all along, and smoke bellowed out of all sides.

“SO BE IT, you asshole” it spat at me out of a cloud of nicotine, and then disappeared forever.

I don't know why I wished for that. God, I'd love to have a million quid right now. But seriously, it just came out! I really wanted nothing more than a microscope to be bound by addiction in that moment, and I totally regret this. But at least I never saw it again, and I do laugh every time I think of this smoking microscope trying to grant wishes whilst it coughs it's cogs into a frenzy.

The dreams are still there though.

Ok, my number has been called, it's my turn to talk to an advisor. But please, listen to what I'm saying kids. Don't smoke, it'll kill you.

<3 Jared


  1. This is so hilarious ! Made my day:D

    1. Haha wow, this is an old post, forgot all about it. You may be the only person to have ever read it, so thanks! :D

  2. Haha I know! Truth is I was going through a bad phase and you're blogs helped me deal with it after I came across them by chance. So yeah thanks:D and I started listening to Abraham Hicks cos of you and it changed my life so thanks for that too:)