Monday, 5 April 2010

That Band vs. Band Thang

Originally Written: 04/02/10

I Will Fuck You Up
Hell Yeah, Boxing.

I like music. And I like people who like music. But more than anything, I like people who get angry and like to fight about music. Because I like doing that too.

This gave me the brilliant idea of posting a survey on facebook which placed some of the greatest bands known to man head-to-head in battle. I tagged 100 of my friends and asked them to have their say, hoping at least 50 of them would partake. It was here I realized that I am not quite as popular as I like to believe, as only 23 of them filled it out. That's ok though, I don't mind, and I cheerfully got the remaining votes from the greatest music community on the planet, RateYourMusic.

This is what happened:

Sex Pistols vs. The Clash

01. Sex Pistols vs. The Clash

Winner: The Clash

Pssst: Dear
People-Who-Voted-For-The-Sex-Pistols... Have you seen Johnny Rotten on any good reality TV shows lately? How about his stint promoting Country Life Butter? Where's your Punk now bitches?? The Clash owns, hands down, case closed, thank you.

Tupac Shakur vs. The Notorious B.I.G.

02. Tupac Shakur vs. The Notorious B.I.G.

Winner: Tupac Shakur

Tupac not only sold more records than B.I.G. but also claimed to have slept with Faith Evans, Biggie's wife at the time. Points there mate. At the end of the day they both got shot, so let this be a lesson to you kids - don't listen to Hip-Hop.

Bob Dylan vs. Johnny Cash

03. Bob Dylan vs. Johnny Cash

Winner: Bob Dylan

Hey, so did I tell you about the time I saw Bob Dylan live? Yeah, cos I did. And by "saw Bob Dylan live " I mean I saw a miniature blurry figure on a stage a million miles away, but he was there. And so was I, so I think I actually win in the end.

Tenacious D vs. Flight Of The Conchords

04. Tenacious D vs. Flight Of The Conchords

Winner: Flight Of The Conchords

Once upon a time there was a really funny actor named Jack Black who started a band with a guy named Kyle Gass, got Dave Grohl to play drums and released a debut album that everyone loved. So then they decided to go one step further, and make an entire movie and an album about the "Pick of Destiny", which was almost funny, but really pretty shit. Flight Of The Conchords, on the other hand, are still awesome and got more votes, so yeah.

Britney Spears vs. Lady Gaga

05. Britney Spears vs. Lady Gaga

Winner: Lady Gaga

Gaga is so hot right now. I mean, Britney has Toxic, probably the greatest pop song in the last 10 years, but I guess she doesn't have the fancy costumes and make-up? Don't get me wrong, I love Lady Gaga, but until she shaves her head and attacks a car with an umbrella, I'm not convinced. Unless the rumours about her having a penis are true, then yeah, I'm convinced.

Fatboy Slim vs. The Chemical Brothers

06. Fatboy Slim vs. The Chemical Brothers

Winner: The Chemical Brothers

I was always disappointed that Fatboy Slim was much more Slim than Fatboy. I kinda felt like I was lied to. Whereas I am pretty sure The Chemical Brothers take lots of drugs, and therefore seem like the more honest choice.

Metallica vs. Slayer

07. Metallica vs. Slayer

Winner: Metallica

But... but... I thought everyone hated Metallica? Don't you guys remember when they sued Napster? Slayer will eat your PC before they even knew how to turn it on. Or how about Lars' snare sound on St Anger? Whereas Dave Lombardo was reaching 210 beats per minute on the Reign in Blood album (fact). Doesn't this mean anything to you people? SLAYER WOULD DRAIN METALLICA'S BLOOD AND MAKE A SHRINE WITH IT but I guess I have no proof of that.

Blur vs. Oasis

08. Blur vs. Oasis

Winner: Blur

Ah, the age old Battle Of Britpop, heavily debated between NME readers with cool hair since 1995. I honestly thought Oasis would win this round, but I'm glad to see we are all on the same page here. And while Noel Gallagher has quit to pursue a solo career (a move that is bad news to both Gallagher's careers) Damon Albarn has his band The Good, the Bad & the Queen to keep us happy. Oh, and did I mention Gorillaz? Yeah, he also has Gorillaz.

Jack Johnson vs. Regina Spektor

09. Jack Johnson vs. Regina Spektor

Winner: Regina Spektor

Most surprised by this one. I was almost certain that you people had no idea who Regina was and have been bracing myself to explain to you slowly why she is my favourite female artist right now (subject to change whenever). So I'm impressed with ya'll, but now I feel it is important to say that Jack Johnson makes me very happy and I would buy him beer.

John Lennon vs. Paul McCartney

10. John Lennon vs. Paul McCartney

Winner: John Lennon

Paul McCartney is the most successful songwriter in the history of popular music, fact, according to The Guinness Book of Records. He has 60 gold discs and sales of 100 million singles. His song Yesterday is listed as the most covered song in history by over 3,500 artists so far, and has been played more than 7,000,000 times on American television and radio. He was responsible for 32 number one singles on the U.S. Hot 100 chart. He is the only artist to reach the UK number one as a soloist ("Pipes of Peace"), duo ("Ebony and Ivory" with Stevie Wonder), trio ("Mull of Kintyre", Wings), quartet ("She Loves You", The Beatles), quintet ("Get Back", The Beatles with Billy Preston) and as part of a musical ensemble for charity (Ferry Aid). But John Lennon was the second coming, so that is all.

Cradle Of Filth vs. Dimmu Borgir

11. Cradle Of Filth vs. Dimmu Borgir

Winner: Cradle Of Filth

I did once try to crucify a virgin whilst listening to Dimmu Borgir, but it just wasn't the same.

Massive Attack vs. Portishead

12. Massive Attack vs. Portishead

Winner: Portishead

I'm sorry guys, I know this was hard, the two Bristol Trip-Hop Heavy-Weights against each other. It was rude of me to ask but at least it is all over. However, it stands to point out that Massive Attack reached their peak in 1998 with Mezzanine. 10 years later, Portishead released Third, and it was so good that I puked on my lap right before I had my first ever epileptic fit. Good times.

Guns N' Roses vs. Faith No More

13. Guns N' Roses vs. Faith No More

Winner: Guns N' Roses

You can't get much closer than this really. Look, Axl is a twat, but I think that is his whole appeal or something? Anyways, Faith No More just reunited, Guns N' Roses replaced every member, and I hate change, so I disagree.

Frank Sinatra vs. Elvis Presley

14. Frank Sinatra vs. Elvis Presley

Winner: TIED

This... is... AWESOME. Because you can't decide! You just can't! There is no way! Everything else is shit besides for these 2 guys! Everything! Especially YOUR MOM.

Rihanna vs. Beyonce

15. Rihanna vs. Beyonce

Winner: Beyonce

I used to love Beyonce, until she was all up in my face telling me to "put a ring on it"?? Damn lady, and you wonder why the divorce rate is so high? Her ass is big anyway.
UPDATE: I fucked up the statistics here. Beyonce was 54%. My bad, and I apologise.

Muse vs. Placebo

16. Muse vs. Placebo

Winner: Muse

Yeah, ok, Muse has talent, but that chick who sings for Placebo is much hotter.

Eminem vs. Jay-Z

17. Eminem vs. Jay-Z

Winner: Eminem

Why didn't you guys vote for Jay-Z? Is it cos he is black? Or do you prefer the guy who talks about slitting his wife's throat whereas Jay-Z is happily married to Beyonce? Personally, I dig the way Eminem got sexual with Borat at the MTV Music awards, I haven't actually ever heard his music.

The Beatles vs. The Rolling Stones

18. The Beatles vs. The Rolling Stones

Winner: The Beatles

Everytime someone tells me that they prefer The Rolling Stones, I just remind them that The Stones' second single (I Wanna Be Your Man) and their first ever song to reach the UK Top 15 was actually written by The Beatles themselves.

Lily Allen vs. The Streets

19. Lily Allen vs. The Streets

Winner: The Streets

The funniest thing about this one is how almost everyone who voted for The Streets apologized to me for doing so, hahaha. Yes, I voted for Lily, but it was a hard one. Put it this way: I have never bought an album from Allen, but I have bought the first 3 of Mike Skinner's releases. That said, I have never made a website trying to meet Mike Skinner, so that means something I am sure.

Queen vs. David Bowie

20. Queen vs. David Bowie

Winner: David Bowie

Freddie Mercury is a God, but David Bowie is an alien from Mars trying to save us all with music. It's a tough call, but at least David didn't die of AIDS you know? Ha, just kidding Freddie, you know I love you.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers vs. Queens Of The Stone Age

21. The Red Hot Chili Peppers vs. Queens Of The Stone Age

Winner: TIED

I found this very tough. While The Queens were one of the pioneers of stoner rock, The Peppers have more letters in their name. In all honesty, until Josh Homme's releases an Autobiography detailing how he did Heroin when he was 10 years old, my vote stays with The Peppers. But this was very interesting indeed.

Madonna vs. Michael Jackson

22. Madonna vs. Michael Jackson

Winner: Michael Jackson

I bet you would've voted for Madonna if she had just DIED TOO RIGHT?? No? Yeah, me neither I suppose.

The Pixies vs. Nirvana

23. The Pixies vs. Nirvana

Winner: Nirvana

This was the hardest one for me, and a lot of you commented how difficult you found it as well. Nirvana did change my life, but I really can't talk anymore about this because it hurts too much.

Nine Inch Nails vs. Marilyn Manson

24. Nine Inch Nails vs. Marilyn Manson

Winner: Nine Inch Nails

I used to be in love with Manson, but has he released anything of any relevance in the last 7 years? No not really. Whereas Trent has released 7 albums in the last 7 years (if you split up the Quadruple Ghost recordings). Oh, and Trent did sign Manson to his Nothing Record Label before Manson had any luck finding a deal, so I have no problem with this one.

The Doors vs. Pink Floyd

25. The Doors vs. Pink Floyd

Winner: Pink Floyd

Each to their own, but everytime I listen to Pink Floyd, this little voice in my head flares up and won't go away. It tells me to hurt myself, and my therapist said I had to stop playing Floyd in my room at night or she wouldn't see me anymore.

Radiohead vs. Coldplay

26. Radiohead vs. Coldplay

Winner: Radiohead

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I have no idea why I asked, sorry.

Robbie Williams vs. Justin Timberlake

27. Robbie Williams vs. Justin Timberlake

Winner: Justin Timberlake

It's a tough one, because while JT did break Britney's well-publicized virginity, Robbie slept with 3 out of 5 Spice Girls. And while Take-That were bad, *Nsync made me want to cut myself. But Justin dances better, and it might have been the ugly 3 Spice Girls anyway.

Pearl Jam vs. Soundgarden

28. Pearl Jam vs. Soundgarden

Winner: Pearl Jam
I may disagree, but they will both always be winners in my eyes <3

Led Zeppelin vs. Black Sabbath

29. Led Zeppelin vs. Black Sabbath

Winner: Led Zeppelin

Some people had a difficult time with this one. However, most of us didn't, and I think the reason is because Robert Plant has never been on a Reality TV Show mumbling to himself incoherently. I love you Ozzy, but my church used to warn me that Sabbath lead to Satanism. Now you are just a rehab poster boy for the effects of alcoholism.

Pro-Life vs. Pro-Choice

30. Pro-Life vs. Pro-Choice

Winner: Pro-Choice


Thank God that's over.

The 50 Who Voted, In Order Of Submission

Gerard Janse Van Rensburg; Julia Fabrin Jakobsen; Armin Van Wyk; Paul 'Kenni' Kennedy; Utopus; Mike Dowson; Ammr Khalifa; dmpulp; Karl Rohloff; Alistair Fey; Jacques van Heerden; Kirsten Templar; thisispop71; Incubus17; Samantha Alsemgeest; Jonathan Van Der Velden; Planetist; Jupiter82; APH; Edgie Gypsy; Jaclyn Woods; Adrian Blount; EskimoChain; QFXC; Usurping_Python; Christine Hull; metalbrain; Dew1400; VAAC; Zidanie5; dt2; AeroCooper; satyagraaha; Slot_Machine_777; popoyt; mini_ahlin; ason_jones; jjmsmusic; 51392; Leandra de Waal; Neil Sinclair; Dion Troubadour Power; MacDougall; hfield07; phnuggle; lostmonkeys2; Sarah Adams; Lisa C; Janet Sarah Austin; and JARED WOODS uhn tiss uhn tiss.


  1. LOL Rehanna Vs Beyonce
    Percentage Total Is 110 LoL.AssHole

    1. I know, I know :(
      I actually address this in my The Best/Worst Of Juice Nothing Artwork blog here:

  2. That chick who sings in Placebo, seriously? I think that's a dude. Anyway, I would've placed Suede Vs. Placebo, and Muse Vs. Radiohead, I think those are more comparable. Nirvana over Pixies? you need more friends... :)

    1. That Placebo comment was a joke. This whole article was a joke. Stop taking music so seriously.

  3. Lmao at the pedophile winning over MADONNA. I guess you would have voted for Madonna if she invited you to a sleepover. But people like Actual-talent.

    1. It was a fair vote, I didn't decide on the outcome. But thank you so much for your opinion, please tell me more.

  4. Its so sad that some people legit think that Coldplay is better than Radiohead as I listen to OK Computer for the billionth time haha

    1. I think that's a very rare thing, but yeah, it does happen, and I agree.

  5. Lennon, the Second Coming? If that were true call me Team Satan.

    Let the Paul Haters have this one but it does not change the fact that McCartney is/was the genius behind, in front of, beside The Beatles. Yeah I said it! Lennon was gifted and had his moments of brilliance even, BUT if it weren't for Paul's ambition, drive, work ethic and challenging John to do better, Lennon NEVER would have been heard of by the world and in Liverpool, would have faded a long time ago with his skiffle band of talentless buddies. EVEN without his musical soulmate, McCartney shines on making fans old, young, and new very happy with his music. After 40 years of languishing in the music critics wilderness, I'm glad McCartney's music, with and post Beatles is finally getting appreciated by new, young music lovers and critics not baptized in the poisenous waters of Beatle Breakup/Choose Sides fostered by Lennon,Yoko Ono,Jann Wenner and others. Even Lennon seen the light and the error of his ways and was privately making his way back to his best friend and soulmate when his life was cruelly cut short. Makes me so sad to think of the what might have beens.

    1. Don't get me wrong, I love McCartney, and agree with most of what you say. However, Paul has written some very average solo songs (something Lennon cannot be accused of doing) and so you could say Lennon was the one who challenged Paul to do better. Also, according to the book An Intimate Life of Paul McCartney by Howard Sounes, while Lennon and McCartney were on good terms when Lennon passed, he was apparently annoyed at Paul for always arriving at his house unannounced and eventually told him off, one of the last things he ever said to the man.

      But Team Satan ftw, I'm a member.