Monday, 10 December 2012


Juice Nothing Predictions for 2013
Oh, hello.

This will be the last news item of 2012. But instead of getting all reminiscent and nostalgic about the year that has passed (I’m saving that for the up and coming Dear 2012 article, by the way), I thought I would spend this round telling you not only what you may have missed since the last update, but also what my plans are for 2013 itself. This is very counter-intuitive for me, as I generally like to keep most of my future ideas under tight wraps, but I figured, what the hell, nobody reads these anyway.

Let’s begin.

Since last update, a whole 3 articles have been launched. They were as follows:

Another 10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter
The fourth installment of my ongoing Twitter series, I was actually more happy with this one than any others before. Sure, it’s still a throwaway piece. but it has actually wracked up a ton more hits than I anticipated, and that made me stoked. I even got responses back from some of the entries (Preschool Gems favourited it; Text-Based Instagram retweeted it; and who is dubstep retweeted it AND responded with “thanks how much moeny have i won”). It means nothing.

The Top 20 Album Artworks of 2012 (according to me)
On the other hand, this piece which I was very proud of didn’t get much attention whatsoever. Still, it’s not about hits (is it?), it’s about how I feel, and I feel great. So much so, that I think I can say with all certainty that this first-of-a-kind will join the regular ongoing yearly annual posts, meaning: expect a new one every single year, until I die.

The Top 50 Albums of 2012 (according to me)
This piece was launched right now, and I am beyond happy with it. I think I covered everything I need to say about the thing in its introduction, but I must emphasise that this was by far the greatest Best Album blog I've ever done. I worked hard on it, I didn't take it too seriously, and 2012 was an excellent year of music, which I think all shows. That said, I expect the best album of the year to come out within the next few weeks just to piss me off, because God hates me.

This means that there is one article left to do this year, which is the aforementioned Dear 2012 regular. Expect that in 10 days or so.

Like most years, I have a pretty good idea of what articles will be published in the up and coming months. Without giving too many details away, some of the most likely candidates to appear during 2013 will be:

The Best Of Juice Nothing
The Juice Nothing Expansion Pack
How to Write a Album Review Good Like Jared
The Best Films Ever (according to me)
The sister blog to The Top 20 Naughtiest Musicians, Ever
Streamline Your Life Like Jared Woods (a self help guide)
The Universe and Everything Else
My Brief Brushes With Greatness Part III

And, of course, the usual Top Album Covers Of 2013; Top Albums Of 2013; and Dear 2013.

(By the way, if there are any on that above list that you’d personally like to read more than others, drop me a mail and let me know which one. I’ll work on it right away. Seriously, if you are reading this, you are one of the very few, and your opinion will be the right kind of encouragement to make it happen)

Besides these, I have this nagging ambition to rebuild Juice Nothing from the ground up in 2013. While I don’t think it will look all that different, the current build isn’t perfect and I could make it much better in so many ways. I was thinking of releasing a survey so people could tell me exactly what they wanted, but then I was like, lol, I probably won’t rebuild it actually.

But two things I am definitely hoping to add would be (1) an art section where I can show off the fartsy side of me, and (2) a better way to integrate my formspring answers into the whole thing.

Actually, speaking of Formspring quickly, I have been slowly getting back into it lately, and have been answering one a week, which I intend to keep up somewhat in 2013 too. The better questions I've answered recently are as follows:

Explaining why I took a break from formspring in the first place
Would I rather get my fingers or my nose replaced by penises? Part II
Did I start playing music to get chicks?
Assorted animals attack me whilst I'm naked, with full intentions to kill me. How many could I take on?
Given the choice, would I travel back or forwards in time?
The tragic story of how formspring deleted a whole load of my unanswered inbox questions :(
Which Avenger character would I be?
Did Hitler ever say "I love you" and mean it?
It's been 5 years, isn't it time I gave Maddie back?
Would I rather rape a puppy or a kitten?

I have big plans for TGN next year. I have an idea which would kinda be a follow on from The Triangular Theory of Love, which I hope to start soon. I have also started another one which is pretty crap and may be scrapped, but we will see if I can dig it into something.

But biggest of all (and I am super excited to talk about for this for first time) will be my debut novella. I planned it to be just another short story, but besides being too good to be wasted on my blog, it is also getting far too long to be called a short story anymore. I started the thing in early 2005 or so, but only recently found it again, and have been working on it like a madman ever since. Roughly 7ish chapters of a planned 12 are finished. It will definitely be out next year. I will try get it published or printed professionally, but if that doesn’t work, it will be a downloadable pdf or some eBook thang. It’s called This Is Your Brain On Drugs, and I am arguably more amped about this than anything else of 2013.

As promised, probably our biggest 2012 video was launched on Halloween. It’s called Jared’s Tale (which is me. I'm Jared.) and I think the whole thing speaks for itself and I don’t need to speak about it anymore, ever again. What I will say though, is that it has got quite a few hits in a short space of time, and so all fear aside, we are very stoked with it.

Believe it or not, yet another Funpowder Plot video will be released before the end of the month. It's just a fun little thing Ash put together, but it will conclude what has been a massively successful year for our little crew.

It is with a heavy heavy heart that I report 2012 may have possibly been the last proper year of FPP as we know it - but we always knew that. Certain members are fed up with London and are looking at getting the hell out. It sucks, but I just keep telling myself that this is not a band, there will never be a good reason to “break up”, and content could always continue regardless of collaboration or where in the world it’s coming from. We can do nothing but wait and see, I guess.

But we still have loads of unmade ideas, including a Vice-like documentary that can’t be too far from the filming stage, and of course, a Coming Down Happy video - if anyone cares. These things have got to get made, and will be made, even if I make them myself. Anyways, while we’re on that topic...

Actually quite a bit of news on this side. First, I played my second gig right after the last news item was posted, and it sucked. Regardless, you can watch me perform And As Soon As I Ejaculated I Knew That I Had Made A Mistake from said gig below.

Next up, I grew increasingly fed-up with relying on other people in order to record my vocals for new songs. I decided I had to bite the bullet and splash some cash, resulting in some new toys for me to play with and get the job done faster. Check out my new studio:

Jared Woods has a new microphone

Finally (and it sucks that I can't announce this properly now, because it's just not quite out yet), in two days (12/12/12 - see what I did there?) a BRAND NEW COMING DOWN HAPPY SINGLE will be released!!! It's called I Sold Out and will be accompanied by a cover of Regina Spektor's Chemo Limo as a b-side. It will be available for download on this page and it totally sucks.

While there is a chance yet another 1-track single may be released in one way or another within the first few months of 2013, priority most definitely will be going onto The Black EP (the sequel to that last EP). Musically, I am actually pretty stoked with where they are at, and I’d say I am roughly 56% done instrumentally with a solid direction for themes and lyrics. To be honest, I am not sure the whole thing will be released at once like last time, but rather one song at a time, as I finish each video. We will see how this goes.

But as I’ve already mentioned, The Loop Project is what I am most amped for (check last news item if you don’t know what this is), and I really hope it happens in 2013. I can’t imagine it will take all that long to do, but I reckon it could be super awesome, especially if I have those songs done in time for my one and only 2013 gig, which should take place near the end of the year. I am also thinking of doing a Atmospheric Black Metal EP now, but maybe that’s silly.

Oh yeah, I also have that comic idea, and have been thinking about making a Coming Down Happy PC game. But you know me.

OTHER 2013
I’m hoping my so-called band will get off the ground and practice and maybe play some gigs.
I also have this online choose-your-own-adventure type game idea which could almost be seen as the glue which will tie everything I’ve ever done together, in a way.
My autobiography, man. I need to work on this, but it just doesn’t ever feel like a priority. I can’t rush this and there is no way it’ll be out in 2013, but I at least hope to get some sort of a skeleton done for it. I really feel like this is a special thing. If I won the lotto, I’d go live in Thailand for a year and finish it immediately.
I also have 2 other ideas which I won’t talk about here, sorry, but will give them the code names TRAINER ARTWORK and GOOGLE MONEY.

I am going to be in South Africa until the end of January, so besides that Dear 2012 thing in 10 days, don’t expect too much from me until Feb. Of course, the world is supposed to explode or whatever on the 21st, so maybe nothing I have ever done matters anyway.

See you then!

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