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Tuesday, 30 August 2011

How To Fuck Boys And Not Be Gay

Note: This blog is aimed at straight males, not girls or gay men, smartass.
Also, some of this article may come across as homophobic. Believe me, it’s all in the name of comedy, and if you are boy who loves da cock, I’m sure you can tell that offending you was never my intention. Otherwise, just email me and tell me about your feelings.


There Are Ways To Fuck Boys And Not Be Gay
I think it’s fair to start by saying that I’ve never fucked a boy before. Hell, I’ve never even touched a penis that wasn’t mine before. And besides my Doctor and I’m sure my parents (when I was younger, not in a sexual way, I hope) there is only one man that has experienced the joy of touching my magnificent cock. His name was Mike, and immediately after he placed his index finger and thumb onto my pee-hole, he shoved a needle right through the middle, giving me my Prince Albert piercing. This I wore with pride for 5 years or so until my then girlfriend told me it hurt her bum. So I took it out.

What I’m getting at is this - I’m not gay. Not because I am opposed to the idea mind you, but because I haven’t found the right boy yet, you dig? Ha, no seriously, I’m not gay. However, I have come up with the following 10 rules which would allow any man to experience a little homosexuality without jeopardising his heterosexuality. But if at any time this article makes you feel uncomfortable, you might want to ask yourself... what part of your sexuality makes you feel this way? Hey, faggot? Here are the rules:

Rule#1: First Time’s Free
There are people out there (as in here) who are experimental by nature. They want to try everything at least once because they recognize that life is short and its very essence lies in experiences. This, more often than not, includes many weird and wonderful sexual acts, which could very well involve messing around with your same gender just a little. Look, if you’re sucking cock and getting rammed every weekend and trying to maintain that you love vag, then you are lying to yourself buddy. But if you've always wondered why you feel a strange spark from the guy behind the counter at McDonalds, I reckon you might as well give it a shot. I mean, it’s not gay, it’s experimental, and just another dark secret for your book of dark secrets.

Rule#2: What Happened Last Night?
If one night you find yourself on the dance-floor of some squat party; you’ve drank so much alcohol that you’ve already pissed yourself; you’ve swallowed more pills than you can remember; that gram of cocaine mysteriously disappeared into your face; and then suddenly you find yourself connecting on a deeper level with some stranger of the same sex... well, you wouldn’t be the first one. And if you end up going back to their place and partaking in some naughty adult scenarios, I wouldn’t over-think it too much. You’re not gay, you’re just totally mashed, and I think this is probably one of the most common forms of hetero-slips-homo. And in all honesty, the confusion and guilt you feel the next day will be enough torture - you don’t need to start questioning your sexuality on top of that.

Rule#3: Take One For The Team
I’m not afraid to say that I’ve kissed boys before, WHAT OF IT? If you knew me you would assume this to be the case anyway, among many other worse things which aren’t true, but I’ll pretend are true just to sound cool. However, none of these acts have been homosexual, and that is because of two specific rules on this list. The first of these two rules is this one: girls love it. Look, if I’m in a room with two girls (or more) and another guy, and shit starts to get freaky, I have no worries and I am open to whatever. All the porn I watch is that way anyway, one big mash-up of people of all genders, races, ages and disabilities. Who’s leg is that? Is that her arm? Which hole is that one? Is that even legal? I love that crazy shit man. The point is, it’s not gay, it’s a fucking party, and if some girl is getting pleasure out of it somehow, I'm all for it. Everything I do, I do it for the pussy anyway.

Rule#4: The Show Must Go On
The second of these two rules I previously mentioned is this one: any sexual act between two guys isn’t homo if it is done in front of people. Consider this: pretty much the gayest thing you can do in THE WORLD is to fuck boys in private and keep quiet about it, do you not agree? But if you fuck a boy in front of a load of people, it’s not gay, it’s a performance. And I would recommend this too, because it will FREAK YOUR FRIENDS THE FUCK OUT. However, if you feel this is too much, you can just film it. You are not gay, you are an actor! Bitches love actors.

Having Sex With This Guy Would Not Be Gay
Rule#5: Cross Wires
I imagine the general gay man to be attracted to stuff like stubble, a larger frame, a deep voice, a giant cock... you know, a man. However, if you suddenly find yourself balls deep into a pretty boy who by all means looks like a girl, do not fear! This proves you are even more straight than most men, because (a) you love the look of girls, and (b) you don’t fear penis. Because the fear of penis is directly related to homophobia is directly related to the homosexuality. You’re not gay, you were just a bit confused. The same goes for trannies, because chicks with dicks are still chicks... kinda. To a lesser degree, you could also argue that it’s not gay to fuck a really really hot guy, for example: me. Wanting to fuck me would not be gay, it would be understandable.

Rule#6: Star Above Your Bed
Almost in the same vein, it is definitely not gay if you fuck a celebrity. Personally, I would probably fuck Brian Molko. Or Topher Grace. Or River Phoenix, if he was still alive. Leonardo DiCaprio back in the day. Marilyn Manon just for lols. Johnny Depp, Justin Pearson, Michael Cera, David Bowie, Orlando Bloom, Anthony Kiedis, Zac Efron, Brandon Boyd, Russel Brand, Gerard Way, Paul McCartney... wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, boys. But I’d also fuck Jack Black, Boy George, or Rowan Atkinson... basically any celebrity. Why? It’s about the STORY people. You could even make money off that shit! Even the most homophobic of fucks would have to agree this is quite an achievement, because how the hell do you even manage something like this? Anybody? Please tell me, I need to know. I’m not gay, I just appreciate talent. And I’d be an idiot not to wrangle myself into a rich and famous person’s life, whatever the cost.

Rule#7: Send, Don’t Bend
What’s the difference between putting your willy inside of a girl’s ass or a guy’s ass? A little bit of hair? A lot of hair? Regardless, it is essentially exactly the same thing. Its primary function is to expel poo and it feels warm inside. I would even say that the same goes for blow-jobs. Basically, put your cock into anything that will have it, and the only thing that should stop you is if it’s illegal, unsafe or isn’t going to feel very nice. You are definitely not gay, you just like to ejaculate inside things, and that’s perfectly natural. On the other hand, if you are hiding penises in your bum-bum, or brushing your teeth with cocks daily, you are committing a homosexual act, and homosexual acts are gay.

Rule#8: Gay For Pay
This one ties in with #3 a little bit. There are many porn actors who participate in homosexual videos because it pays better, and then they get better girlfriends cos they buy them shit. This goes for everyone: if someone is paying you to do something sexual, as degrading as it may feel, you are not gay, you just like money. How is money gay? Especially when it’s just for half an hour of your time. And believe me when I say this: EVERYONE has their price.
But on the ugly side of this point (and it’s not very nice), is when the pay is your life. If there is a gun to your head, and you are forced to do some shit you aren’t too keen on, you’re not gay, you were raped. I know this paragraph wasn’t funny (and by God I hope this is never the case for you) but at the end of the day this is another way homosexual sex has taken place without affecting sexuality. And besides, it’s no worries anyway bro, at least you’re straight right? lol.

Rule#9: Sex And Violence
Some of you may disagree about this one, but I reckon that if you fuck a boy, it would justify the homo in you by beating the shit out of the person after ejaculation. This would work especially well if, while smashing the teeth out of their face with your fist, you call them derogatory terms like “Faggot” or “Pansy”, and then spit on them while they look up at you with bloody eyes. And if they whimper “but why?” just tell them that you’re not gay, you’re a macho heterosexual who just fucks boys on occasion mainly to hurt them, and he should just shut-up and get used to it. Actually wait, scrap this one.

Rule#10: Just Do It, You’re Not Gay
Basically, if you need an excuse to fuck a guy, you’re doing it all wrong. Fucking a guy doesn’t make you gay despite what your friends might think. Put it to you this way: if a gay guy fucks a girl (and almost every gay guy I know has done this) does that make him straight? How many girls do you know that have made out with other girls (and more)? Does that make them lesbo? Bisexual? No dude, sexuality is a much more complex thing, defined by a lot more than just actions. If you want to fuck a dude, just get it out your system, you’re not gay.

Conclusion
The truth is, as a white straight young male adult, I feel pretty excluded in life. There is nothing special about me, nothing in my life has ever been a minority. If you’re a black lesbian granny, you are so fucking awesome because you have basically stuck your finger up to life, and the history of your traits has risen from so much oppression that you win at everything and can be seriously proud of yourself. Part of me wishes I was gay, I would be so stoked, I would wear ladies underwear and go to the girl’s bathroom. I’d dress in pink and wear my make-up better than my girlfriends. Being gay is so hot right now. But instead, I am doomed to a life of boob-slavery, because boobs always win. I guess what I am getting at, (and if you remember nothing else from this article, remember this) my girlfriend is and forever will be hotter than yours. Now suck my balls.

138 comments :

  1. i wanna fuck a dude with a huge COCK in my clit =]

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  2. i
    wont to fuck kids boys but how to do it

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    Replies
    1. That's what I thought too.

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    2. Probably just someone who is either a big drugged up, does not understand English, a spambot or just a total and utter prick.

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  3. pleas help me doc how to do it

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  4. I'm straight but I love my best friend.

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  5. I want to make new friends who could spend some time with me in a room and we need privacy

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  6. Ive gone my whole life with feelings for some men. I first slept with a guy at 21 cause at 18 i was too scared. It was not that good, then i slept with a man at 26 who became my boyfriend. It was really great. Then i was lonely at 35 and slept with a random man. He enjoyed it and so did I. It was great. Now im in a relationship with a previous client who is divorced. It is really great. Im not gay im just experimenting. But if he asked me to be his gay lover I would go gay for him.

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  7. This is the most persuasive piece on what defines a homosexual and what doesn't that I've ever read, and probably will ever read. You've got a great sense of humor, and this makes for a really great read. Nice pics by the way. From now on I'll always look at people who seem to be gay from a different angle. Also I have feelings for a friend who's kind of girly. It's just a spark, though, I don't know if it'll work out or not.

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    Replies
    1. Great comment man, thanks! Good luck with the "spark" :)

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  8. I suck a guy before and he return the favor. i don't consider myself gay , I was horny and he was too so i said f.ck it lets do it and then after a month or too we did it again i still feel straight Yeah I admit i would suck him again if i had the chance but i love the ladies.

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    1. Well then you could be a bisexual. Someone who is sexually turned on by both gender. I have seen guys who have boyfriends and you won't even know their sexuality if they don't tell you. Most of them are hunk and are hot and handsome. No trace of effeminacy. Some even have girlfriends. But the fact they have sexual attraction to guys, they are simply not straight.

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  9. I would fuck Paul McCartney, too. Wouldn't you fuck George Harrison, though? He's gorgeous..

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, but he's dead. Fucking dead people is weird.

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  10. now my friend is not interesting in my cock !!! dont no why

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  11. i fuck my dad

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  12. I always think how it would be if I fuck my friend, but I don't want to be gay... How I can overcome it? (sorry for my English)

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  13. hahahahahaha! That was one of the funniest reads in a while! I'm a man who's gay, not the other way around - as a result, my friendships with straight men often lead to murky water in the sense that, they don't always know what to do with me. (i.e which "box" to put me in). I play sport, camp (I am South African), rock climb all the stuff "gays" are not "supposed" to do. Often my straight friends get confused about their feelings towards me - not quite grasping that it's "ok" to like a gay guy. Sometimes this leads to experimenting, sometimes more - most times, not. Having said that, it leads me into troubled water with my girlfriends sometimes too. I love sex with girls, I just can't form emotional connections with them in that way, so that means I definitely lean more to the "gay" side of the equation. So you're right on that count to.

    Point of this diatribe is this: I wish more guys would take - forgive me - such a "flippant" view on the matter, it's NOT THAT SERIOUS! Pre-Christian Rome, it was the order of the day. They didn't even have a word for it.

    So, follow that to it's logical conclusion - we're all, actually, just - "sexual". No need to put anything in front of that.

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    Replies
    1. Hahaha best comment yet!

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    2. They get confused upon learning for what you are because people always tend to box things in their mind with rules. They always see the world in relative terms and when things happened that is out of their expectation, they get confused. That is why it is always important for everyone not to judge, just accept people for what they are. Anyway as what you said, you could be a bisexual.

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  14. its totally weird article. a straight man would totally dislike about the thought of sucking...if u suck and fuck a man, u r a gay, though u don't love him...these don't misguide thee gay ones...

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    1. You're a weird article.

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    2. Another clever way for a gay man to lure in some straight cock. That took a lot of time and thinking and craving cock to put this piece together. You might be the most motivated homosexual I'm aware of.

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    3. You're a motivated homosexual.

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    4. WTF is wrong with all these people?

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    5. Yeah, been wondering that myself.

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  15. I like to get fucked by this older guy, but i dont get an erection with him. I get an erection with my wife anc i fuck her, so i dont know if i am gay or straight, but i enjoy getting fucked.

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    Replies
    1. I have decided you're not gay, and what I decide matters.

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    2. jared is so cool (read= funny)

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    3. I sense a hint of sarcasm, but... thanks?

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  16. i have always wanted to fuck my best friend. ive only sucked one other guys dick and he returned the favor and it was just cuz we were horny but i love my best friend. i would totally go gay for him and i would do anything with him but i still like girls soo what do u consider me...?

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    Replies
    1. I don't really know but I'm kind of turned on right now.

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    2. You are a bisexual dude. That is fine, forget about it just accept and enjoy whatever it is as long as you do not trample other people's right.

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  17. im not a gay but my best friend is a gay. He always forcing me to do it. I tried to deny some times. But i dont like it, i want to stop that. What i should do?

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  18. Hi im a straight guy im planning to fuck with a But But im really scared hes gonna come to my city and i dont know what do i never got ffucked by anyone im scared maybe my ass will hurt..

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    Replies
    1. I dunno, just use a lot of lubrication I guess.

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  19. Replies
    1. I feel Rule#7, #8, and #9 cover this, depending on the incident.

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    2. haha coolest guy on earth
      would totally let you fuck my ass
      though not gay

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    3. Same here Jared. Ever need a hole, come find me

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    4. I need, like, 30 holes. But thanks, will put you on my list <3

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  20. It's quite simple...you either do or you don't...
    ...and just a comment...were the first few posters drunk or stoned? I couldn't decide???

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  21. I am still so confused i am a gay or not or how much.. I like cocks, kissing boys, sucking them, and have done this many times..

    Till now i have had sex with about 15 guys and only 1 girl.. I fear so much about being married, esp because i am an Indian.. !!

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    Replies
    1. Well, do you like fucking girls? Maybe you just find guys easier to approach?
      Good luck though, just be sure before you get married to anyone. And don't worry about the Indian thing, most of the world are coming round to homosex now.

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    2. Homosexuality is not black and white. Try googling the Alfred Kinsey scale. If you are sexually attracted more to guys then it could be you are more gay than being straight. That's it.

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  22. Not 'proud' or anything,but I like guy butt.I don't boast about it,nor do straight guys boast.We all just have sex and it's pretty well private and good.The bedroom is sacred.What I dislike is gay ppl wanting to 'share' the bedroom.i don't really care.i am a gay guy and I have a wonderful boyfriend.If you want to find out about us,it is none of your business.

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    Replies
    1. I am happy you have worked your life out <3

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  23. geez, this is not where I parked my car. oh man, now I'm asking myself... where the fuck did I get myself into!???

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    Replies
    1. Yes, and now you will never escape.

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  24. what i am? i fuck and fucked by nearly 30members...and kiss 2girls,

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  25. Most of the guys I have fucked are married and straight...they just like a cock in their arsehole from time to time...what's interesting to me though is that not one of them wants to top, not that I mind...I love fucking straight guys...and they really appreciate it when I slap them around and call them bitch etc...must be that they want to feel what it is like to be on the receiving end - Hey, you never mentioned that in your article!
    ...a further question, "Do you think I'm straight?"

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    Replies
    1. I don't think you are entirely straight, but I'd have to fuck you to be sure.

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  26. I wanna get fucked by a guy just to do it lol

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    Replies
    1. Ok, I think this is my chance to put my big penis in your ass

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    2. I want cock in my ass so bad

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    3. Stop turning me gay, asshole.

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  27. Id totally let you fuck me...

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  28. I'd fuck a feminine tranny but there's no way I'd fuck a guy. The person I screw has to be at least approximately female or I can't enjoy it.

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  29. Hahahaha! I am so amused by your article. Why so many rules and justifications? Obviously you sounded like a curious guy who is bisexual in the making. I tell you, a true straight guy is and will never be sexually attracted to another guy or if you mean the term "curious" in place of the phrase "sexually attracted". They will never be not because they hate it but because they are simply not attracted sexually nor there is any form of curiosity to "discover" something with the same sex because it does not arouse any interest in them. It means nothing to them so they simply ignore it whether the other guy is hot or not. I am a closeted gay and I am speaking from years of experience observing people and reading as well understanding sexuality particularly homosexual psychology. Another thing I discovered is a true straight guy is not homophobic in fact most of the time homophobia is one of the surest indication that a guy is gay in some way usually closeted. Sexuality is a complex topic anyway, you might wish to research about the Alfred Kinsey scale.

    Anyway as for me I believe the universe is full of diversity and it is complex and the same goes for people so we cannot just confine it and box it within our own rules in our mind. The term gay or homosexual are just labels but the truth is there are no such thing as gay, there are only human beings with varying sexual preferences. Respect them and accept them for what they are. Variation is what makes life in this world less boring.

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  30. Can you fuckme?

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  31. Yum... #5 sounds nice.

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  32. I'm dating this girl and I'm in love with her and love fucking her. I think I'm bi though cuz hot muscled guys with big cocks give me boners, and I don't mind the thought of getting fucked by one. She's the only person that knows this about me too and she thinks it's hot. Am I gay or bi?

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    Replies
    1. I am not here to define your sexuality, I am here to make jokes and look stupid. It sounds like your girlfriend is a keeper tho.

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  33. honestly.. idk , theres this reallly cute boy with this fine fucking ass.. i really want to fuck him but its just that.. i cant even think of sucking it.. i mean it just wont go in my head. so idk how you guys do it.

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    Replies
    1. Just close your eyes and make a wish.

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  34. I.its feel awesome to bang guys and get sucked by them..cuz guys knows how to handle dicks than girls..lol

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  35. I was working as a bar man in a rugby club. Once saw a young guy being initiated into the team. All the names of the fellows on the team were put in a hat and the one who's name was drawn out had to " do " the young guy. Felt sorry for the young guy as the fellow who " did him " was big lanky twenty four year old. He mounted him like a bull and within a minute or so shot his load up the young guy. It was a real turn on to watch.

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    Replies
    1. This comment made me feel something, I'm not sure what though.

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    2. I wanna try giving head lol
      Wanna be the first?

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  36. Ive fucked 2 boys but i dont like them anymore i want to fuck my basketball teammate and he said he wants to suck my Dick but if we do it in public people are going to start talking and we dont have a way to each other and he told me too watch him so i could see what he could do with a dildo any suggestions

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    Replies
    1. Jesus, uhm, I don't know. Just do it? I have no idea what you people want from me!

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  37. I wanna suck you off...

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  38. Would u just fuck me already!? :D

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  39. Im gay and still in high school(senior) , this made me laugh cause its so true .. guys always tell me theyre not gay but they hit on me for sex anyways and im confused ...this pretty much cleared it up thanks for being truthful cause i guess a guy who is so open is just straight

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    Replies
    1. I am glad I have helped. Good luck!

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  40. I used to live at a friend's house they were twins, my dad had to work out of town and I would stay with them for weeks until my dad would come back (that was from when I was 14 years old until I was 16) I would have to stay in bed with them and I had a 3some with all both of them but then I only had sex after that with one of them blow jobs etc. I still have sex with girls but damn I love having sex with my friend now we're both 18 and now only act like strangers unless we find out selves alone ;)

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    Replies
    1. Is it gay that you gave me a hard-on?

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  41. Im straight but I have a teammate on playing volleyball .that I love. I juat wanna tohave a sex qith him but. Im scared ... what shall I do

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    Replies
    1. Just tell him how you feel. What could possibly do wrong?

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    2. Wow,, Jared Woods..
      I almost read the comments and you're giving an advice.. (y)

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    3. That sentence nearly makes sense.

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    4. How could i ask a staright guy if he would have sex with me?

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    5. "would you have sex with me?" should cover it.

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  42. i like boys more than girls and i just want to fuck them but not want to get fucked by them...i have fucked my friend rabeet he is very hot with big musces and i want you to know that i have two kids also and m not married so i am not a gay but like to fuck boys

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    Replies
    1. But why do you want me to know?

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  43. I am 46 y straight man married, I love women so much, loved them sexually so crazy, I'm a painter and sculptor, there is no more beautiful than a woman's body when you draw or carve. But, sometimes I desire to have sex with young boys, teenagers, where I love to unprotected sex with them anally,, where the area between the testicles and anus with young boys it is turn me on. But I do not like to do that in real life, because I do not like to harm the psychological state of a minor boy, so keep that up for myself.Is this normal think?

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    Replies
    1. I dunno man, maybe ask your wife.

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  44. Replies
    1. Hahah, that's kinda what I was thinking.

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  45. I m black woman and I want to be fuck by a white guy

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  46. im 8 and my friends stuck their 4 cocks in me: 2 in mouth an 2 in ass then they came in me

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  47. I need to get fucked by a guy. How big is your dick?

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  48. I fuck boys with my cock just to satisfy myself
    they love my huge dick inside their anus but i can't get it all the way in for some of them

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    Replies
    1. This blog was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

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  49. Well I wouldn't say no to Jared banging the hell out of me - particularly if he's big enough to "hurt" me :-p

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  50. Hi ,
    My name is Billy I am 24 blond hair blue eyes student muscular build smooth body solid build 5 ft 11 in tall 175 pounds & toned . I LOVE for guys to fuck my throat & shoot off loads of cum down it
    I LOVE getting fucked also i do it once every 2 or 3 weeks & "WOW " does it feel good ,it hurts going in but once in there it really feels goos with them going in REAL HARD & DEEP
    B

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  51. cant believe i read all these comments....

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    Replies
    1. To be fair, the comments are better than the article at this point.

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