Pages

Tuesday 30 August 2011

How To Fuck Boys And Not Be Gay

Note: This blog is aimed at straight males, not girls or gay men, smartass.
Also, some of this article may come across as homophobic. Believe me, it’s all in the name of comedy, and if you are boy who loves da cock, I’m sure you can tell that offending you was never my intention. Otherwise, just email me and tell me about your feelings.


There Are Ways To Fuck Boys And Not Be Gay
I think it’s fair to start by saying that I’ve never fucked a boy before. Hell, I’ve never even touched a penis that wasn’t mine before. And besides my Doctor and I’m sure my parents (when I was younger, not in a sexual way, I hope) there is only one man that has experienced the joy of touching my magnificent cock. His name was Mike, and immediately after he placed his index finger and thumb onto my pee-hole, he shoved a needle right through the middle, giving me my Prince Albert piercing. This I wore with pride for 5 years or so until my then girlfriend told me it hurt her bum. So I took it out.

What I’m getting at is this - I’m not gay. Not because I am opposed to the idea mind you, but because I haven’t found the right boy yet, you dig? Ha, no seriously, I’m not gay. However, I have come up with the following 10 rules which would allow any man to experience a little homosexuality without jeopardising his heterosexuality. But if at any time this article makes you feel uncomfortable, you might want to ask yourself... what part of your sexuality makes you feel this way? Hey, faggot? Here are the rules:

Rule#1: First Time’s Free
There are people out there (as in here) who are experimental by nature. They want to try everything at least once because they recognize that life is short and its very essence lies in experiences. This, more often than not, includes many weird and wonderful sexual acts, which could very well involve messing around with your same gender just a little. Look, if you’re sucking cock and getting rammed every weekend and trying to maintain that you love vag, then you are lying to yourself buddy. But if you've always wondered why you feel a strange spark from the guy behind the counter at McDonalds, I reckon you might as well give it a shot. I mean, it’s not gay, it’s experimental, and just another dark secret for your book of dark secrets.

Rule#2: What Happened Last Night?
If one night you find yourself on the dance-floor of some squat party; you’ve drank so much alcohol that you’ve already pissed yourself; you’ve swallowed more pills than you can remember; that gram of cocaine mysteriously disappeared into your face; and then suddenly you find yourself connecting on a deeper level with some stranger of the same sex... well, you wouldn’t be the first one. And if you end up going back to their place and partaking in some naughty adult scenarios, I wouldn’t over-think it too much. You’re not gay, you’re just totally mashed, and I think this is probably one of the most common forms of hetero-slips-homo. And in all honesty, the confusion and guilt you feel the next day will be enough torture - you don’t need to start questioning your sexuality on top of that.

Rule#3: Take One For The Team
I’m not afraid to say that I’ve kissed boys before, WHAT OF IT? If you knew me you would assume this to be the case anyway, among many other worse things which aren’t true, but I’ll pretend are true just to sound cool. However, none of these acts have been homosexual, and that is because of two specific rules on this list. The first of these two rules is this one: girls love it. Look, if I’m in a room with two girls (or more) and another guy, and shit starts to get freaky, I have no worries and I am open to whatever. All the porn I watch is that way anyway, one big mash-up of people of all genders, races, ages and disabilities. Who’s leg is that? Is that her arm? Which hole is that one? Is that even legal? I love that crazy shit man. The point is, it’s not gay, it’s a fucking party, and if some girl is getting pleasure out of it somehow, I'm all for it. Everything I do, I do it for the pussy anyway.

Rule#4: The Show Must Go On
The second of these two rules I previously mentioned is this one: any sexual act between two guys isn’t homo if it is done in front of people. Consider this: pretty much the gayest thing you can do in THE WORLD is to fuck boys in private and keep quiet about it, do you not agree? But if you fuck a boy in front of a load of people, it’s not gay, it’s a performance. And I would recommend this too, because it will FREAK YOUR FRIENDS THE FUCK OUT. However, if you feel this is too much, you can just film it. You are not gay, you are an actor! Bitches love actors.

Having Sex With This Guy Would Not Be Gay
Rule#5: Cross Wires
I imagine the general gay man to be attracted to stuff like stubble, a larger frame, a deep voice, a giant cock... you know, a man. However, if you suddenly find yourself balls deep into a pretty boy who by all means looks like a girl, do not fear! This proves you are even more straight than most men, because (a) you love the look of girls, and (b) you don’t fear penis. Because the fear of penis is directly related to homophobia is directly related to the homosexuality. You’re not gay, you were just a bit confused. The same goes for trannies, because chicks with dicks are still chicks... kinda. To a lesser degree, you could also argue that it’s not gay to fuck a really really hot guy, for example: me. Wanting to fuck me would not be gay, it would be understandable.
Rule#6: Star Above Your Bed
Almost in the same vein, it is definitely not gay if you fuck a celebrity. Personally, I would probably fuck Brian Molko. Or Topher Grace. Or River Phoenix, if he was still alive. Leonardo DiCaprio back in the day. Marilyn Manon just for lols. Johnny Depp, Justin Pearson, Michael Cera, David Bowie, Orlando Bloom, Anthony Kiedis, Zac Efron, Brandon Boyd, Russel Brand, Gerard Way, Paul McCartney... wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, boys. But I’d also fuck Jack Black, Boy George, or Rowan Atkinson... basically any celebrity. Why? It’s about the STORY people. You could even make money off that shit! Even the most homophobic of fucks would have to agree this is quite an achievement, because how the hell do you even manage something like this? Anybody? Please tell me, I need to know. I’m not gay, I just appreciate talent. And I’d be an idiot not to wrangle myself into a rich and famous person’s life, whatever the cost.

Rule#7: Send, Don’t Bend
What’s the difference between putting your willy inside of a girl’s ass or a guy’s ass? A little bit of hair? A lot of hair? Regardless, it is essentially exactly the same thing. Its primary function is to expel poo and it feels warm inside. I would even say that the same goes for blow-jobs. Basically, put your cock into anything that will have it, and the only thing that should stop you is if it’s illegal, unsafe or isn’t going to feel very nice. You are definitely not gay, you just like to ejaculate inside things, and that’s perfectly natural. On the other hand, if you are hiding penises in your bum-bum, or brushing your teeth with cocks daily, you are committing a homosexual act, and homosexual acts are gay.

Rule#8: Gay For Pay
This one ties in with #3 a little bit. There are many porn actors who participate in homosexual videos because it pays better, and then they get better girlfriends cos they buy them shit. This goes for everyone: if someone is paying you to do something sexual, as degrading as it may feel, you are not gay, you just like money. How is money gay? Especially when it’s just for half an hour of your time. And believe me when I say this: EVERYONE has their price.
But on the ugly side of this point (and it’s not very nice), is when the pay is your life. If there is a gun to your head, and you are forced to do some shit you aren’t too keen on, you’re not gay, you were raped. I know this paragraph wasn’t funny (and by God I hope this is never the case for you) but at the end of the day this is another way homosexual sex has taken place without affecting sexuality. And besides, it’s no worries anyway bro, at least you’re straight right? lol.

Rule#9: Sex And Violence
Some of you may disagree about this one, but I reckon that if you fuck a boy, it would justify the homo in you by beating the shit out of the person after ejaculation. This would work especially well if, while smashing the teeth out of their face with your fist, you call them derogatory terms like “Faggot” or “Pansy”, and then spit on them while they look up at you with bloody eyes. And if they whimper “but why?” just tell them that you’re not gay, you’re a macho heterosexual who just fucks boys on occasion mainly to hurt them, and he should just shut-up and get used to it. Actually wait, scrap this one.

Rule#10: Just Do It, You’re Not Gay
Basically, if you need an excuse to fuck a guy, you’re doing it all wrong. Fucking a guy doesn’t make you gay despite what your friends might think. Put it to you this way: if a gay guy fucks a girl (and almost every gay guy I know has done this) does that make him straight? How many girls do you know that have made out with other girls (and more)? Does that make them lesbo? Bisexual? No dude, sexuality is a much more complex thing, defined by a lot more than just actions. If you want to fuck a dude, just get it out your system, you’re not gay.

Conclusion
The truth is, as a white straight young male adult, I feel pretty excluded in life. There is nothing special about me, nothing in my life has ever been a minority. If you’re a black lesbian granny, you are so fucking awesome because you have basically stuck your finger up to life, and the history of your traits has risen from so much oppression that you win at everything and can be seriously proud of yourself. Part of me wishes I was gay, I would be so stoked, I would wear ladies underwear and go to the girl’s bathroom. I’d dress in pink and wear my make-up better than my girlfriends. Being gay is so hot right now. But instead, I am doomed to a life of boob-slavery, because boobs always win. I guess what I am getting at, (and if you remember nothing else from this article, remember this) my girlfriend is and forever will be hotter than yours. Now suck my balls.


135 comments :

  1. i
    wont to fuck kids boys but how to do it

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's what I thought too.

      Delete
    2. Probably just someone who is either a big drugged up, does not understand English, a spambot or just a total and utter prick.

      Delete
    3. 009476788617 viber whtsapp

      Delete
  2. pleas help me doc how to do it

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm straight but I love my best friend.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I want to make new friends who could spend some time with me in a room and we need privacy

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ive gone my whole life with feelings for some men. I first slept with a guy at 21 cause at 18 i was too scared. It was not that good, then i slept with a man at 26 who became my boyfriend. It was really great. Then i was lonely at 35 and slept with a random man. He enjoyed it and so did I. It was great. Now im in a relationship with a previous client who is divorced. It is really great. Im not gay im just experimenting. But if he asked me to be his gay lover I would go gay for him.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is the most persuasive piece on what defines a homosexual and what doesn't that I've ever read, and probably will ever read. You've got a great sense of humor, and this makes for a really great read. Nice pics by the way. From now on I'll always look at people who seem to be gay from a different angle. Also I have feelings for a friend who's kind of girly. It's just a spark, though, I don't know if it'll work out or not.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great comment man, thanks! Good luck with the "spark" :)

      Delete
  7. I suck a guy before and he return the favor. i don't consider myself gay , I was horny and he was too so i said f.ck it lets do it and then after a month or too we did it again i still feel straight Yeah I admit i would suck him again if i had the chance but i love the ladies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well then you could be a bisexual. Someone who is sexually turned on by both gender. I have seen guys who have boyfriends and you won't even know their sexuality if they don't tell you. Most of them are hunk and are hot and handsome. No trace of effeminacy. Some even have girlfriends. But the fact they have sexual attraction to guys, they are simply not straight.

      Delete
  8. I would fuck Paul McCartney, too. Wouldn't you fuck George Harrison, though? He's gorgeous..

    ReplyDelete
  9. hahahahahaha! That was one of the funniest reads in a while! I'm a man who's gay, not the other way around - as a result, my friendships with straight men often lead to murky water in the sense that, they don't always know what to do with me. (i.e which "box" to put me in). I play sport, camp (I am South African), rock climb all the stuff "gays" are not "supposed" to do. Often my straight friends get confused about their feelings towards me - not quite grasping that it's "ok" to like a gay guy. Sometimes this leads to experimenting, sometimes more - most times, not. Having said that, it leads me into troubled water with my girlfriends sometimes too. I love sex with girls, I just can't form emotional connections with them in that way, so that means I definitely lean more to the "gay" side of the equation. So you're right on that count to.

    Point of this diatribe is this: I wish more guys would take - forgive me - such a "flippant" view on the matter, it's NOT THAT SERIOUS! Pre-Christian Rome, it was the order of the day. They didn't even have a word for it.

    So, follow that to it's logical conclusion - we're all, actually, just - "sexual". No need to put anything in front of that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They get confused upon learning for what you are because people always tend to box things in their mind with rules. They always see the world in relative terms and when things happened that is out of their expectation, they get confused. That is why it is always important for everyone not to judge, just accept people for what they are. Anyway as what you said, you could be a bisexual.

      Delete
  10. I have decided you're not gay, and what I decide matters.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I don't really know but I'm kind of turned on right now.

    ReplyDelete
  12. im not a gay but my best friend is a gay. He always forcing me to do it. I tried to deny some times. But i dont like it, i want to stop that. What i should do?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Another clever way for a gay man to lure in some straight cock. That took a lot of time and thinking and craving cock to put this piece together. You might be the most motivated homosexual I'm aware of.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I dunno, just use a lot of lubrication I guess.

    ReplyDelete
  15. WTF is wrong with all these people?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Replies
    1. I feel Rule#7, #8, and #9 cover this, depending on the incident.

      Delete
    2. Same here Jared. Ever need a hole, come find me

      Delete
    3. I need, like, 30 holes. But thanks, will put you on my list <3

      Delete
  17. Yeah, been wondering that myself.

    ReplyDelete
  18. It's quite simple...you either do or you don't...
    ...and just a comment...were the first few posters drunk or stoned? I couldn't decide???

    ReplyDelete
  19. I am still so confused i am a gay or not or how much.. I like cocks, kissing boys, sucking them, and have done this many times..

    Till now i have had sex with about 15 guys and only 1 girl.. I fear so much about being married, esp because i am an Indian.. !!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, do you like fucking girls? Maybe you just find guys easier to approach?
      Good luck though, just be sure before you get married to anyone. And don't worry about the Indian thing, most of the world are coming round to homosex now.

      Delete
    2. Homosexuality is not black and white. Try googling the Alfred Kinsey scale. If you are sexually attracted more to guys then it could be you are more gay than being straight. That's it.

      Delete
  20. Not 'proud' or anything,but I like guy butt.I don't boast about it,nor do straight guys boast.We all just have sex and it's pretty well private and good.The bedroom is sacred.What I dislike is gay ppl wanting to 'share' the bedroom.i don't really care.i am a gay guy and I have a wonderful boyfriend.If you want to find out about us,it is none of your business.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am happy you have worked your life out <3

      Delete
  21. Yes, and now you will never escape.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hahahaha! I am so amused by your article. Why so many rules and justifications? Obviously you sounded like a curious guy who is bisexual in the making. I tell you, a true straight guy is and will never be sexually attracted to another guy or if you mean the term "curious" in place of the phrase "sexually attracted". They will never be not because they hate it but because they are simply not attracted sexually nor there is any form of curiosity to "discover" something with the same sex because it does not arouse any interest in them. It means nothing to them so they simply ignore it whether the other guy is hot or not. I am a closeted gay and I am speaking from years of experience observing people and reading as well understanding sexuality particularly homosexual psychology. Another thing I discovered is a true straight guy is not homophobic in fact most of the time homophobia is one of the surest indication that a guy is gay in some way usually closeted. Sexuality is a complex topic anyway, you might wish to research about the Alfred Kinsey scale.

    Anyway as for me I believe the universe is full of diversity and it is complex and the same goes for people so we cannot just confine it and box it within our own rules in our mind. The term gay or homosexual are just labels but the truth is there are no such thing as gay, there are only human beings with varying sexual preferences. Respect them and accept them for what they are. Variation is what makes life in this world less boring.

    ReplyDelete
  23. You are a bisexual dude. That is fine, forget about it just accept and enjoy whatever it is as long as you do not trample other people's right.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Yum... #5 sounds nice.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I am not here to define your sexuality, I am here to make jokes and look stupid. It sounds like your girlfriend is a keeper tho.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Just close your eyes and make a wish.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I was working as a bar man in a rugby club. Once saw a young guy being initiated into the team. All the names of the fellows on the team were put in a hat and the one who's name was drawn out had to " do " the young guy. Felt sorry for the young guy as the fellow who " did him " was big lanky twenty four year old. He mounted him like a bull and within a minute or so shot his load up the young guy. It was a real turn on to watch.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment made me feel something, I'm not sure what though.

      Delete
    2. I wanna try giving head lol
      Wanna be the first?

      Delete
  28. Jesus, uhm, I don't know. Just do it? I have no idea what you people want from me!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Im gay and still in high school(senior) , this made me laugh cause its so true .. guys always tell me theyre not gay but they hit on me for sex anyways and im confused ...this pretty much cleared it up thanks for being truthful cause i guess a guy who is so open is just straight

    ReplyDelete
  30. I used to live at a friend's house they were twins, my dad had to work out of town and I would stay with them for weeks until my dad would come back (that was from when I was 14 years old until I was 16) I would have to stay in bed with them and I had a 3some with all both of them but then I only had sex after that with one of them blow jobs etc. I still have sex with girls but damn I love having sex with my friend now we're both 18 and now only act like strangers unless we find out selves alone ;)

    ReplyDelete
  31. Im straight but I have a teammate on playing volleyball .that I love. I juat wanna tohave a sex qith him but. Im scared ... what shall I do

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just tell him how you feel. What could possibly do wrong?

      Delete
    2. Wow,, Jared Woods..
      I almost read the comments and you're giving an advice.. (y)

      Delete
    3. That sentence nearly makes sense.

      Delete
    4. How could i ask a staright guy if he would have sex with me?

      Delete
    5. "would you have sex with me?" should cover it.

      Delete
  32. But why do you want me to know?

    ReplyDelete
  33. jared is so cool (read= funny)

    ReplyDelete
  34. I am 46 y straight man married, I love women so much, loved them sexually so crazy, I'm a painter and sculptor, there is no more beautiful than a woman's body when you draw or carve. But, sometimes I desire to have sex with young boys, teenagers, where I love to unprotected sex with them anally,, where the area between the testicles and anus with young boys it is turn me on. But I do not like to do that in real life, because I do not like to harm the psychological state of a minor boy, so keep that up for myself.Is this normal think?

    ReplyDelete
  35. I sense a hint of sarcasm, but... thanks?

    ReplyDelete
  36. Well I wouldn't say no to Jared banging the hell out of me - particularly if he's big enough to "hurt" me :-p

    ReplyDelete
  37. This blog was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

    ReplyDelete
  38. cant believe i read all these comments....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. To be fair, the comments are better than the article at this point.

      Delete
  39. Ok 12 years ago me and my best friend when to a party I crashed at his house cos we wos both drunk woke up the nexst morning feling a bit sore in the ass and so did he it terns out had sucked him off and fucked him and he did the same to me so we talked about it and did it agane now we are both married and have kids but we still get together once a month to fuck and once a month to swop wife's

    ReplyDelete
  40. Thank you so much for giving me something my "STRAIGHT FREIND" was able to conceive, lol it got him to "sleep" with me, lol

    ReplyDelete
  41. Yes, definitely start your actions, it will be fun.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Hmmm I wanna try , let's get nasty ��

    ReplyDelete
  43. I am 16 years old and i like to fuck boys and to be fucked <33333333333333

    ReplyDelete
  44. I think the only way I could fuck a guy is if the guy is "pretty" Has to have green eyes, a good ass and look like Zac Efron haha. But yeah, straight guys need to be more comfortable with their sexuality. Who cares if you get head from a guy or girl, an orgasm is an orgasm

    ReplyDelete
  45. I really shouldn't read these comments at work.

    ReplyDelete
  46. You should definitely do that, yes.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Reading this article + comments in the middle of an economics lesson wasn't the best idea....someone set the fire alarm off so I can go jack off in the toilets

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha yeah, the comments outweigh the article at this point.

      Delete
  48. "You kinda do look like a little hippie faggot dude. No offense." Bwhahaha, line of the year.

    This four-year-old article was never meant to be taken so seriously. This is not my philosophy, this is my funtime.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Testimony on a spell caster who brought my gay partner back to me.am Christopher Tozer,i live in US,and I'm happily in a gay relationship .A very big problem occurred in my life five months ago,between me and my partner .so terrible that he broke our romatic and the sexest relationship i have ever been all my life, he said that he never wanted to stay with me again that he didn't love me anymore. he packed out of my house and made me passed through several pains. I tried all my possible best to get he back, after much begging, and he confirmed it that he has made his decision never to see me again. one evening,i met a friend who asked of my partner . i explained every thing to him, he told me the only way i can get my partner back is to visit a spell caster because it has really worked for him too. i never believed in spell but i had no option than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the email address of the spell caster whom he visited.{drniceharbelhealinghome@gmail.com } the next morning i sent a mail to the address and the spell caster assured me that i will get my partner back in three days.What an amazing statement!! I never believed, he spoke with me and told me all i need to do which i did. on the second morning, surprisingly my partner who didn't call me for the past five months gave me a call to inform me he is coming back that was how he came back same day with lots of love and joy and she apologized for his mistakes pains he caused me . Then from that day our relationship is now stronger than ever before,by the help of a spell caster.i will advice you out there to kindly visit the same website {drniceharbelhealinghome@gmail.com },if you are in any condition like this,or you have any problem related to "bringing your ex back or getting promotion in your office,talk and obey or having any kind of sickness such as cancer, HIV AIDS, or any kind of disease Contact him today on this Email: drniceharbelhealinghome@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is probably spam BUT I LIKE IT.

      Delete
    2. That's impressive. I'm 31 years old and I can barely get it up anymore.

      Delete
  50. Y'all.are nutts

    ReplyDelete
  51. Okay, after reading this article, I truly love you! You are the funniest, cutest hottest hottie there ever was! If you ever want to try a little gay with me, let me know! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  52. Love gettin naked

    ReplyDelete
  53. we all bi sex, when it come gays but who will comite, illigal plessure. was loocking for a profile on fastfox.net stumbled on this place.Hwat can i say weard thing happen to weird people. this site is also awsome ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  54. I love you! fantasy .... thanks

    ReplyDelete