Thursday, 6 May 2010

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter

Originally Written: 04/03/10

Twitter Bird
Let me get this straight first. The only person you should actually be following on Twitter is me. Why you might ask? Well, because I have no friends and I am very lonely. I measure my self worth completely based on the internet, and with this in mind: check out my profile. Trust me, you'll love it, and you'll be sucking my dick in no time.

But believe it or not, this blog is not about me. It's about my frustration around the impossibility of finding any similar list on the net that is even remotely worthwhile. Because let's face it, the majority of people on Twitter (including the celebrities I thought were so interesting once upon a time) just talk a bunch of crap which is of no value to anyone. I don't care if you are going to Spain for your holiday or if you had a Mars Bar for lunch. I want to know who you are sleeping with or how many scars you have on your face.

So here is my definitive list of my top 10 favourite tweeters. I actually get excited when these people update themselves to the world, and that is saying a lot, because I fucking hate everything. Enjoy! <3

Michael Ian Black on Twitter
10. Michael Ian Black

I'll be honest, I didn't know about Michael before Twitter. Upon further research, he has done quite a lot including acting, writing and directing stuff. I follow quite a few comedians, some of whom are a lot more famous than Mr Black (Eddie Izzard, for example) but they aren't half as funny when updating their tweets. Go on then children, click click.

Recent Tweets:
Don't tell my wife what I got her Valentine's Day. (Hint: It's herpes.)
I wish I was John Mayer's penis.
"Everything I do, I do it for you." Even take a shit, Bryan Adams? Even take a SHIT?

Devvo on Twitter
09. Devvo
Internet Celebrity

Known for his chav videos on David Firth's Fat Pie website (David Firth being guy that made Salad Fingers, even though he has better stuff out there). Devvo isn't real, it's a fake persona, but this is Twitter, I have no proof any of you are real either. Devvo doesn't have many followers, which is a shame, because he is well funny.

Recent Tweets:
cocks n robbers, dirty nobbers. bashing down walls beatin up nannas. late 4 scool dunt 4get ur planners. Stew 4 tea
Cocks and fannies, mixed up grannies. Farmers on a diet raping riot
six pills in n youns cant see my teef

Undercover on Twitter
08. Undercover
Music News

All your music news delivered straight to your Twitter feed. It was here that I originally heard that John Frusciante was leaving The Red Hot Chili Peppers and that Aerosmith were looking to replace Steve Tyler. Saves me time, saves me money, puts me first.

Recent Tweets:
Lady Gaga Talks Up Celibacy
John Lydon Attacks Arctic Monkeys
There is a lot more unreleased Jimi Hendrix to come

Secret Tweet on Twitter
07. Secret Tweet
Anonymous Secrets

There is this website which I love pretty much more than anything called PostSecret. It's where everyday people like you and me (less me, more you) can send a postcard with our deepest secrets and darkest thoughts on them - and get it published. SecretTweet is the same deal, a website where you can express your vibe anonymously and possibly get it onto their Twitter page. More than anything I realised that my secrets are a lot more hardcore than other people.

Recent Tweets:
64365 Sometimes I wait until 10 minutes before my husband gets home to start cleaning, then run around like I was busy all day.
64363 You're scum of the Earth for going on vacation with your friends while I got rid of our "little problem".
63626 Just learned son may not be mine. Thinking of getting paternity test, staying, and holding it over her head for the rest of our lives

Ivy Bean on Twitter
06. Ivy Bean
The Oldest Person On Twitter

Amongst all the chaos, this tweeter brings me back to earth. This lady is 102 years old and yet is part of the digital revolution, despite being the age of 42 when the first computer was invented. Her mind is still definitely there as she answers people's tweets constantly and comes across as the sweetest old lady, just like any granny should.

Recent Tweets:
i did, i had pancakes with with jam on they were lovely
hello every body are you well today
its time for me to say good night but i would just like to wish you all a lovely weekend and hope you all have a fantastic valentines day xx

Dinner Guest on Twitter
05. Dinner Guest
Fictional Serial Murderer

This is just a great idea I wish I had thought of. An artist made this fictional account, the tweets of a serial murderer who loves to give horrific details of his after-hour activities. For a little bit of time there, the internet began to worry that it was real, and conversations started to spring up everywhere about it. Very quickly out of fear of being arrested, the writer came clean and announced it wasn't real. Still, I got to give respect to something like this.

Recent Tweets:
flies had laid eggs on him because he was a mess with them, even under the skin. I slit his thoat with a bread knife, watched him convulse
i am going to try and keep this one alive for as long as possible. i just get so damn excited ha
caught another one last night, it was easier than i expected. My legs were burning after the chase it was thrilling

Pimp Bill Clinton on Twitter
04. Pimp Bill Clinton
Former President Of The United States

I like to believe this is the real Bill Clinton, tweeting about his very active sex life for the world to enjoy. I mean, it's got to be him, right? Because only the genuine Mr. Clinton would have so much to say about his penis. Believe me, I know. Not for the easily offended, but perfect for the immature and perverted, just like me.

Recent Tweets:
I call my penis Dog the Bounty Hunter because it'll beat you up at first but it gets all soft on the car ride home.
They say my eating habits are affecting my heart. Who knew vaginas were high in cholesterol?
Today's genius economic stimulus idea: Scratch n' Sniff porn. You're welcome, America.

Shit My Dad Says On Twitter
03. Shit My Dad Says
A 74 Year Old Dad Who Says Funny Shit

Chances are you have heard of this one. This is the account of a son who has a Dad who says funny shit, as the title might have already given away. And they have got pretty famous just from Twitter alone. How famous you ask? Famous enough to have over a million followers for one. Oh, and maybe I should mention that a sitcom starring William Shatner is on it's way based on this very account, produced by the guys who gave us Will & Grace. So yeah, pretty fucking famous.

Recent Tweets:
"There's a word for people like that...No, I'm saying, there's a word and I don't know what it is. I'm not being fucking poetic."
"Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a fucking parade every time i take a piss."
"I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more."

Sleep Talkin Man on Twitter
02. Sleep Talkin' Man
A Guy Who Talks In His Sleep

This account is also pretty popular, but I was surprised at how few followers it actually has. This is arbitrary gold: a wife with a sense of humour decided not to divorce her partner that wouldn't shut up in his sleep, but instead opened an account where she keeps record of all his randomness. Personally, I would hate for someone to do this to me, probably because I normally talk about murder and anal sex whilst I'm sleeping. But I am grateful that this account exists, and they even have a blog where you can hear sound samples and buy t-shirts. Sure, make money while you sleep why don't you.

Recent Tweets:
"They're guinea pig kisses. Weeweeweeweeweeweewee in my ear! Eat the fuckers. They're tastier that way."
"If you weren't such a fucking prick, you'd be a decent person."
"Why don't you stand in fuck-up corner. You can stay there 'til, I don't know, I-don't-give-a-shit-about-you 'o clock."

Jesus M Christ on Twitter
01. Jesus M Christ
The Prophet Has Returned, Repent

Yup yup, number 1 could only be Jesus of course. Blasphemy at it's very best. More than anything, I think it begs and interesting question: if Jesus was amongst us now, would he have a twitter account? And if he did, I hope he would be just like this guy, because I am only willing to worship something that makes me piss myself laughing.

Recent Tweets:
Nietzsche was half right. God isn't dead, he's dead sexy.
Don't ask me to bang you if it's tampon time. That's a job for Moses.
Ladies, holla if you wanna put the "HO" in JeHOvah tonight.

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