Over the last Xmas and New Years, I decided to do something I hadn’t done for 3+ years, and ventured back to my hometown of Cape Town, South Africa, for a holiday. Needless to say, it was awesome! I spent much valuable time catching up with family; getting drunk with old friends; meeting a bunch of people I only knew from the internet; and showing my girlfriend the places I grew up in - not to mention the beautiful scenic areas Cape Town has to offer (some of which I didn’t even know existed myself).Yes, all was fine and dandy. Except for one little incident: I received a death threat. Yes, you read that right. Loveable me, the guy who saves endangered flowers from abusive greenhouses and donates money to feminist charities, was the target of an actual warning towards my life. The perpetrator's name was Keegan Jonathan Lewis, and I have no fucking clue who he is. What’s even funnier (and probably quite typical to my existence) was that the threats took place on facebook.
Unfortunately (and for reasons I will go into shortly), said attacks are no longer available. Fortunately, I did have the foresight to snag the offending screen grab using my iPhone (South African internet is limited, let me assure you), which went a little something like this:
It didn’t end there either, as he sprinkled assorted other derogatory comments all around my public Cheer Up Emo album and profile images, including expressions of distaste towards my appearance (which, let’s face it, is ridiculous) as well as insults towards my own lovely mother and girlfriend. Here are some of those, in collage form:
I was a bit taken back, I won’t lie. Not by the threats themselves, but by how atrocious this guy’s grammar and spelling was. I can only assume the dude was drunk when he wrote these, because, I dunno, school? The other thing that bothered me greatly is that I went through this guy's profile pictures, and he was the most ordinary looking human being I have ever seen. Nothing about him stood out even remotely, his face was void of any single defining features. Try as I might, I stared at his images for a lengthy period of time, but forgot what he looked like the moment I turned away. Which meant that even if I passed Keegan in the street, I would not recognise him, so I had to somewhat prepare myself for some random cunt to punch me out of nowhere. Which, by the way, I was pretty amped about, because I haven’t been punched in the face for years.
Now, I couldn’t leave it at that, obviously. But I didn’t really want to do anything at all. So instead, I just put it out there so my friends would know what was going on, by using the following status:
What happened after this was fucking beautiful. An army of my mates jumped to my defence in a way I could have never anticipated, and my heart filled with a whole new feeling of gratitude. Take a look:
What I like to imagine from the above, is that Keegan woke up very hungover the next day, checked his facebook, and was bombarded with these notifications. He squirted a little poo in the back of his Calvin Klien underwear (please note: I am only assuming he wears CK briefs because I know nothing about him, so I'm making shit up now), and then quickly deleted every death threat from my Profile of Love™, promptly blocking me from accessing his account, all within 24 hours. Silly boy! Attacking someone on their own profile is like walking into a township and announcing you’re a racist. You are outnumbered, son. You will get killed.
Now, maybe a more mature person would leave it at that. Maybe he learned his lesson. Maybe he had a slight hiccup of judgement and realised he was a bit of an dumbass, and regretted his bad choices. Maybe I should just smile at how well that went and continue with my holiday.
I spoke to God, and he agreed, then I spoke to Satan, and he disagreed. I flipped a coin, it landed on the dark side, so I decided to keep it up. I mean, the dude can’t just get away with such nonsense, it’s not very nice to be all confrontational and shit, trying to feed people to rugby teams and whatnot. So following the instruction from the Great Dark Lord, I re-uploaded the screenshot, and the madness continued:
Unfortunately, it seems someone did end up reporting his facebook profile, because it disappeared. I never wanted that, and would never recommend such a juvenile way of handling things - it’s like telling the teacher. I am sure whoever did so, did it for the right reasons, but I really wanted to handle things my own way. What’s done is done though, and that's done, over. No, I never ended up meeting this fella, and I have not heard anything from him since. Which begs the question: why did I feel compelled to write an entire rant dedicated to someone who had such a little affect on my life? Well, there are two reasons:
The first is to thank my friends. You guys seriously turned a potentially bleak situation into something filled with love and appreciation. It means so much to me that people (even with just words) had my back. When peeps stuck up for me to that degree, my skin grew thicker, I felt so much stronger and it reaffirmed to me how important mates like mine are. Special props to Raziel, who took that shit to the next level and empowered me, because I know he meant every word he said. Likewise to Paul. I could almost hear the guy quiver while he read your counter-threats, because I would have. You guys are MY PEEPS for life, yo, seriously. I would return the favour for any single one of you who got involved, and I hope some day to get the chance. You mean the world to me, and I love you all. I get emotional because of it, and I am still laughing my ass off.
The second reason I wrote this rant is because I want to be the top google search term for this guy’s name. I want every potential employer to read this and realise that, if you are thinking of hiring Keegan Jonathan Lewis from Cape Town, South Africa, please be aware that he is not a very upstanding citizen. He is a dickhead who has violent tendencies. Maybe he will swear at your general manager when you are having a meeting. Maybe you will offer to make him some coffee, and he will try to stab you. Who knows what he is capable of? But the facts are the facts: he threatened my life and such a mental state should not be tolerated, let alone offered a job. Thanks.
THE RANT ENDS HERE, AND USUAL NEWS BEGINS.
You can stop reading now.
JUICE NOTHING
Obviously, the darling month of January was a bit of a write-off, and as a result, I have been frantically putting pen to paper in a desperate attempt to fulfill my quota. Which, by the way, I have just done. Since my last news update, I have launched 2 bits and pieces (excluding Dear 2012), which were as follows:
The Best/Worst Of Juice Nothing
This was my 50th article! To celebrate such a landmark release, I figured now was a good time to look back at the things I have done right, and the things I have done wrong over the years. Unfortunately, you guys disagreed, and as it stands, this is my least read blog, ever. Like, EVER. It’s a bit disappointing, because I did work pretty hard on turning such a dull subject into something as funny as possible, but alas, you will never know. I do understand though, it is a bit presumptuous to think anyone would care as much about me as I do.
Streamline Your Life Like Jared Woods
This got released right now! Personally, I think it’s a pretty good one, not only working as a rare glimpse into my life, but also filled with invaluable information which will help you improve your own pathetic existence. Time will tell if anyone actually reads it, but I assure you that it is worthy of your attention, and has the potential to make lives better. I am very happy with it, personally.
Which means I am completely up-to-date with my 1 article per month goal. Even better, is that the next two articles are already well underway. The next one in particular (planned for the end of March) is something to look out for - as it's controversial as fuck. But despite when this is released, and despite when the one after that is released, I am hoping to finish them both within the next few weeks. Why? Because I need to make writing space for other things.
THE GOAT'S NEST
And this is what I'm talking about. On the plane to Cape Town, I wrote half a short story, and then picked away at it until the rough was 100% done. I am temporarily calling it “Hell” and it totally sucks. Seriously, I am not confident about this thing at all. But I'm going to work my ass off on making it something readable, aiming to fix it into a better shape by the end of April, ready for your eyes. We will see how that goes.
As if this wasn’t enough, I have actually started the next short story as well. It’s the sequel to The Triangular Theory Of Love, and is flowing easy. That said, I realised it's a bit ridic to try and balance so much fiction in one go, because it’s not healthy to try live in so many different character’s minds at once. So I am putting this one aside for now, but am still confident that it will be released before the end of the year. Regardless, all of this adds up to a potentially substantial year for The Goat’s Nest, owed mostly in part to what I am about to talk about right now.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
I took a lengthy break from my debut novella, but it was intentional. I was racing through it with 8 chapters rough-to-well-done, leaving 4 left to do. I figured a few months off would give me time to clear my mind and then take it on with a bit more of a fresher brain. But I am happy to announce I am back on this bitch, and am seriously hoping it will be launched mid-year, whatever "launching" it means. I am soooo fucking amped!!!!
FORMSPRING
Still going strong with this nonsense, here are some of the best ones as of late:
Either The Dumbest Or The Smartest Question I've Ever Been Asked
Why Are Children So Evil?
Would I Rather Get a Massage From A Man, Or Surgery From A Female?
If I Could Be A Political Leader Of Any Country, What Would It Be?
If I Had To Suck Off One Of My Male Friends, Who Would It Be?
Would I Ever Pierce My Genitalia To Another Person's Genitalia?
I am answering roughly one question a week, so go ahead and ask me something, you will be amazed.
THE FUNPOWDER PLOT
Despite my concerns over what 2013 might hold for this project (and despite the fact that Kris is on holiday in South Africa as we speak), the rest of the crew got together and had an in-depth meeting about our future and our next piece. We narrowed it down to one, had another meeting about that specific topic, and then actually managed to film the whole fucking thing last Saturday. I have no idea how it will turn out, as it was the most painful shoot we have ever done (over 12 hours of filming!) but at least we got something. The post production started last night, and while I have no idea how long this will take, it is looking pretty cool and we are all beyond excited to get it over with. And no, for a change, I am not the star, as the script revolves around the two Funpowder members we see the least of... INTRIGUING, NO?
COMING DOWN HAPPY
As it is the tradition in Western culture to celebrate birthdays as well as Valentine's Day, it is a bit of a ballache that these two dates are the exact same dates for my girlfriend. However, I did good, and one of those good things I gone and done was to remake a song I wrote for her last year. It was called If
Here is
What this also means, is that Coming Down Happy will now be potently focusing on The Black EP, finally. Like I think I reported before, it won’t be released with four tracks in one shot like the debut White EP, but rather one song/video at a time. The first of which, I am aiming to get done by the end of March, but who knows? Not me. Regardless, the music of that track is around 85% done; the lyrics about the same; and the drawings about 10% complete (but in reality, probably less). It doesn’t matter, because I am determined and amped, and that’s how things get done around here.
WE CAN NOW MEASURE LOVE BY IN-JOKES AND PET NAMES
Finally (and related to the whole
And that's all I have to say, except that the redesign for the main Juice Nothing page is in the Photoshop stage, and so it should be out within year. Speak sooner, or later, or whatever.
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