How To Heal Heartbreak In 20 Steps

If you have arrived at this article from a Google search, I can only assume you are currently dealing with the trauma of heartbreak. I extend my deepest sympathy towards you right now, as I know as well as anybody that there is no worse pain in the world. You probably feel nauseous. You probably feel inadequate. You are probably doubting your sanity and having those terrible thoughts that you will never find love again. Do not fear, for these are completely natural feelings, and you are not the first to experience them. Congratulations, you are human after all. However, here is some more bad news if you can handle it: there is no quick and easy end-all fix to what you are going through. You will suffer and you will hurt, and nobody can wave a magic wand and cure you of this distress, for if there was such a simple solution, it wouldn’t be available for free online. However, the good news is that there are steps one can take to ease the turmoil, some of which are widely reported, others of which I have discovered on my own. And because I am a nice guy, I have taken it upon myself to offer the following advice to you, in hopes that I can help you climb a little higher on your ladder of happiness.

You see, in November 2013, I was right where you are. After a three year relationship where me and my then-partner spent every day and night together, we split in the worst of ways. I am not here to slag anyone off, but what happened is probably what you imagined to happened. Other people were quick to jump into the picture and replace me. Friends conspired against me. Withheld information was exposed after the fact, which rendered the whole relationship a lie. And what followed was so much confusion and self-doubt that my mind degraded into that of a child. My emotions would run away with me, I’d imagine the worse, and nothing felt like it would ever be ok again. But unlike those times before, I refused to play the victim and decided to tackle the problem head-on, keeping my mouth above water and pushing the distance between the bouts of depression further and further apart. And as I write these words, I am ecstatic to announce that I am feeling fantastic, thanks for asking. I am 100% cured and standing in the perfect position to provide you with these points to put in place, which will not only grant you some instant relief but will also keep the progression progressing, which in theory could serve you forever.

To use this guide, I suggest reading it once through, and then deciding which parts are relevant to your circumstances and which are not. I have used the word “steps” very lightly here, for even though they have been ordered very specifically, some may not apply to you in this exact formula, and perhaps you may want to reorder them to fit your distinct needs. But whatever path you choose, I wish all of the luck and love in the world to you, for even if you were in the wrong, nobody’s life was designed to be lived in permanent struggle, and you are worthy of moving on.

Step One: Life Is A Game

“Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about it.” - Oscar Wilde

The leading step of any guide is usually the most important, providing the foundation for the rest of the process to come, and this is no exception. For the very first thing you have to come to grips with is exactly as the title suggests: this is a game. There is a degree of luck involved with this game, but more predominantly, it is one of strategy. It’s not necessarily a nice enjoyable game, granted, but right now you are currently at a fork in the road of your life story. This is not a dead end, for you are not dead, but rather you are now faced with a challenge as well as an opportunity, one which could potentially change and define you as a person for all your years to come. The sooner you choose to accept this as your reality, the sooner you can begin to fight for it.

“Life’s a game, all you have to do, is know how to play it.” - Anonymous

This is what I suggest: buy a paper notebook. Pick one which looks pleasing and makes you feel happy with its presentation. Behold, this will be your diary on the matter, your best friend and own personal advisor. Give it a positive name and label it accordingly (mine was titled Operation Fix Up, FYI). Open to the first page, and begin by writing down a set of goals. What are you hoping to achieve? When are you hoping to achieve them? Examples may include “I will not contact so-and-so for six weeks”; “I will go on at least one date before the end of the month”; or “in five weeks I will be completely over whatshisface/whatsherface” (please note: you should never write down their real name, because their real name is not worthy of your attention nor the space within your holy diary). Do not worry if you fail on these goals or if they seem a little ridiculous at this point in time, for while you should try to keep them relatively realistic, this is not the point of the exercise. What matters the most is that you are making strong and conscious decisions to move forward. The most valuable aspect of this entry is the development of promises to yourself, cementing intentions which are attainable by taking small baby steps towards eventually achieving them.

Because that is the exact idea. Every single day, do one small thing (or more) designed to approach these objectives. And then at the end of each said day, turn the page, write the date at the top, and then note what it was you did in the previous hours to aid your advancement. If you are stuck for ideas on what to do every day, do not fear, for by the end of this article, you will have many, as it’s the very basis of this whole blog. Maybe you buy yourself some flowers for your room. Maybe you cook a meal for a housemate. Maybe you trim your pubic hair. Maybe you go see a film. It really doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you do something, one tiny little thing every single day which gives you a break from the thought of said person, and then you keep a record of it. Because then it becomes a project, and (dare I say it) even fun. How do you think this very article was started, hmmm?

"Anything in life worth having is worth working for." - Andrew Carnegie

One final note before we move on: if something negative happens to you (your ex texts you asking for his/her cds back; you hear about your ex out partying etc), take note of it too because it’s healthy to get your feelings out of your head and onto paper. It’s easier to deal with it there. But do not write it within this diary. Write it in a different place, and then hide those notes from yourself or even destroy them. Never ever write anything bad in your diary, for this is your sacred place. It is yours, not theirs. Keep their poison away from your clean precious pages.

Step Two: Do Not Lose Your Dignity

“One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalised and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.” - Michael J. Fox

Very often the hardest part of break-ups is that you are left with so many questions and pent-up anger, which compels you to continuously contact the ex in an attempt to make them feel shit or to guilt trip them into changing their mind. The issue with this one is that you look pathetic, and it usually results in the opposite of the desired effect, driving the person further away rather than convincing them of their wrongdoings.

At the same time, I appreciate there is a certain sense of closure one feels when they get all those horrible thoughts off of their chest, which is why I am in two minds about how to approach this specific problem. But what I will say is this (and heed with extreme caution!): if you are simply writhing with insults to hurl at your offender, do not do it as a heat of the moment type of explosion, for once again, you will look weak. Take your time and build up everything you would like to say. Write your feelings down in letter form over the course of the next few weeks, until you are truly satisfied you have covered absolutely everything you have to say on the subject. Address it to your ex, and then, best case scenario, keep it to yourself or even throw that page away, fulfilled that it was merely a part of your therapy and you aren’t reliant on their response.

However, you may find yourself very proud of your letter. Perhaps you have nailed your standpoint in such an articulate potent well-written manner, that you decide you simply must send it on to said person. And I cannot stop you. But may suggest the following: sit down and rewrite your letter in a happy voice. Remove all bitterness and anger. Be polite, be logical, and be concise. For trust me, if you are looking for a reaction, nothing is more attractive and nothing will hurt as much as someone who sounds like they have it all together. Furthermore, for God’s sake, do not phone them or speak to them in person. Send your letter via email, because this should be one sided. Your side.

“Self-respect is the root of discipline: The sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.” - Abraham Joshua Heschel

Finally: remember what this is. This is not a discussion. This is you, dumping your thoughts onto paper, your final final word on the matter. End the letter with the request that they do not respond, for if they do so, you will not read it. Chances are, they will respond, and when they do, if you have any strength within you whatsoever, delete the message without reading it and without thinking about it. You will question if this was the right thing to do. You will wonder what it was they said. But if you read their words, it will only set you back and give you a whole load of new things to say. If you want to get over this person (and I am assuming that’s why you are here), do not entertain their responses. You have now said your conclusion, you cannot top it, who cares what their opinion of it is? You are putting them behind, you are moving on, and this is how you do it:

Step Three: Cut Them The Fuck Off

“Life is too short to hold grudges, true, but cutting people off for self preservation isn't a grudge, it’s applying wisdom.” - Unknown

Probably the most well documented method of healing heartbreak is this one: remove them from your life completely. Now, it is up to you how far you want to take this, but there are a few givens. Avoid them at all costs. Do not go to places you know they will attending. By now I’m sure you’ve already made the decision whether or not to delete them off of Facebook, but if you haven’t, let me tell you why I personally did not go down that route. It’s because to delete/block someone from your social networking circles (while still an acceptable approach if you’re comfortable with it) feels like a drastic statement, and statements are once again the tools of the weak. Personally, I just hid the enemy from my newsfeed, and so unbeknownst to them, I didn’t have to see their updates while they probably still saw mine, giving me the upper hand.

Of course, the curiosity will eat you alive and you will often feel the overwhelming desire to Facestalk them. In a word: DON’T. Avoid that at all costs. Just by seeing one photo of them having fun or witnessing some attractive stranger writing on their wall can completely fuck up your day, for you will always think the worst and take things out of context, setting you a step back. Curiosity is an uncomfortable feeling, true, but make peace with the fact that curiosity is a better feeling than the confirmation of fears. You think you want to know, but believe me, you do not. Rather, take this one day at a time as a self-challenge, "I will not Facestalk today", and before you go to bed, write in your diary with pride that you survived another run without visiting their profile.

“I think the very word stalking implies that you're not supposed to like it. Otherwise, it would be called 'fluffy harmless observation time'.” - Molly Harper

There are ways to go even deeper into this step, and depending on how far down the rabbit hole of desperate depression you are right now, you may want to go all the way. Remove everything that reminds you of them from your life. There will be a huge sense of liberation in deleting all their emails, their phone number, the songs in your playlist which remind you of them, as well as untagging all photos of the two of you together, and throwing away every single present/reminder you own from them. Personally, I am far too sentimental for this type of a movement, for I knew one day I’d surely (surely!) get over them, and when I did, I may enjoy looking back at the memorabilia as some weird part of my life story rather than the nightmare it was at the time. Which is why I opted to place all incriminating material into a box, and then hid said box in my attic, out of sight, out of mind, yet not lost forever. This is all up to you, of course, but the idea remains the same: you do not want to even think of them, especially in the comfort of your own room.

“Empty packets of hot sauce remind me of the love I used to have for her. Now all I’m left with is this yummy taco. ” - Jarod Kintz; A Zebra is the Piano of the Animal Kingdom

Step Four: Status Updates Are A Weapon

“Oftentimes, when people are miserable, they will want to make other people miserable, too. But it never helps.” - Lemony Snicket; The Blank Book

While we’re on the social media topic, here is another step which follows on with the trend. Look, I know more than anyone that there is this strong urge within you to dump your depression onto the world, especially in the form of Facebook updates and the Like. You probably feel the desire to let everyone know of the wrongdoings you are experiencing right now, possibly in some hopeful attempt to bring them onto your side. And it may even work too, for a while anyway. But, once again, this is one of the fastest and more modern ways of losing face. It is faaar more powerful to say happy (or at least more positive) things as often as possible, keeping your status updates light and even humorous in your times of darkness. The reasons are endless. For not only will they help you on a personal level to come to terms with the split, but even more so, they will give others the impression that you are dealing with your emotions in a constructive manner. And believe me, if it is revenge you seek, these updates will most likely reach your ex anyway, and in turn hurt them a lot more than fishing for sympathy will. Perhaps this isn’t the healthiest reasoning for doing so, but the approach itself is much healthier than the alternative, and you will feel much better for it.

"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all." - Thumper's Law

That said, there is little-to-no value in blatantly pretending to be happy when you are knee-deep in suffering. Which is why, if you do not feel comfortable in posting something optimistic, rather post nothing than risk looking miserable, because at the end of the day (and as much as it sucks), nobody but yourself well and truly cares, nor do they have to. Be considerate of other people's lives, and don't be a downer.

“Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.” - Addison Mizner

Step Five: Surrender to Sadness

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.” - Jonathan Safran Foer

One thing that is fairly unavoidable when it comes to heartbreak is this: you will go a little bit insane. It is in your best interest to accept this. You are not superhuman, and sadness is a part of being. You are not a bad person if you feel sorry for yourself, especially in the beginning of this mess. Do not beat yourself up over it. There are countless upon countless of therapy-related writings detailing the dangers of burying agitations. Do not push this aside. Do not skim over it. Cry. Shout. Hate. It is one of the most important stages of healing, and you have to grant this its time. It is ok.

“Crying is cleansing. There's a reason for tears, happiness or sadness.” - Dionne Warwick

There is a nifty little concept called the Kübler-Ross Model (aka the Five Stages of Grief) which is often applied to the heartbreak scenario. It states that we follow an emotional pattern when it comes to dealing with such traumas, which consists of: Denial (inability to admit that things are truly over, perhaps not even feeling sad whatsoever); Anger (blaming the ex or even oneself for the onset of pain); Bargaining (desire to plead the ex to take you back, thinking you could change as a person or do things differently); Depression (the obvious and most written about result of a break-up); and finally, Acceptance (making peace that the relationship is over and taking the steps to move on from it). It is your duty to recognise where you lie in any given period of your course, and then embrace it, for like a wound to the skin, there is a process going on right now which will eventually heal you.

“I remember watching the mascara tears flood the ivories and I thought, ‘It's OK to be sad.’ I've been trained to love my darkness.” - Lady Gaga

That said, it is still beneficial to place a limit on such suffering and attempt to push for breakthroughs. There is a wonderful book I swear by for any occasion titled Ask and it is Given by Abraham-Hicks. It states that at any given time, we are somewhere on the following Emotional Guidance Scale (1 being the best; 22 being the worst):

1. Joy/Appreciation/Empowered/Freedom/Love
2. Passion
3. Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness
4. Positive Expectation/Belief
5. Optimism
6. Hopefulness
7. Contentment
8. Boredom
9. Pessimism
10. Frustration/Irritation/Impatience
11. Overwhelment
12. Disappointment
13. Doubt
14. Worry
15. Blame
16. Discouragement
17. Anger
18. Revenge
19. Hatred/Rage
20. Jealousy
21. Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness
22. Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness

The point of such a scale is to illustrate how huge the jump from sadness to happiness can be. In fact, unless you are bipolar, the jump is practically impossible. So instead, study this list, locate where you are at right now, and then look at the point directly above it. That’s the next emotion you should be grasping for, and it should be a relatively simple and painless movement to guide your thoughts upwards toward it, wherever you may be. For example, if you are feeling jealous about someone who is hanging out with you ex (20), attempt to feel hatred for them instead (19), which shouldn’t be too hard, right? If you are feeling frustrated about the lack of sympathy people are giving you (10), attempt to give in to the pessimism that nobody will ever feel sorry for you (9), which still sucks, sure, but it should be a much more comfortable position to dwell on rather than the previous irritation.

“We need never be ashamed of our tears.” - Charles Dickens; Great Expectations

One by one, climb this list as high as you can get, consciously and on a daily basis. It will be gradual, but you will sense the improvement and relief slice-by-slice, and immediately. Do not try and pretend you are suddenly doing fine and are “over it”, because that is the sign of denial. Rather feel the pain, refuse to ignore it, tackle it straight-up and attempt to morph it into the next most logical emotion. And eventually ... eventually ... you will find yourself entering the realms of hopefulness; of optimism; and of enthusiasm. Take control of this internal war. And then steadily beat the living shit out of it.

Step Six: Change Absolutely Everything (You v2.0)

“When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.” - Viktor E. Frankl

Ok, so now that you’ve placed your ex in a box and you’ve identified your core emotions, the time has come to take the practical steps in dealing with yourself. My first recommendation is to change. Everything. Every. Single. Thing.

“A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.” - Coco Chanel

Get your haircut. Dye it a colour you’ve never had before. Buy new clothes. Buy a necklace and an ankle bracelet. Get a piercing. Get a tattoo. Get an extra limb sewn onto your body if you’re into that. Because literally, every single aspect of your physical appearance you could possibly stomach changing, should change. Absolutely everything you can think of. The reasons should be obvious: you will look better and, as a result, you will feel better. Even more beneficial, people will give you more attention, and of course (heaven forbid), if you do so happen to have an accidental run-in with your ex, at least your presentation will be set up nicely.

“If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.” - Hillary Clinton

But why stop there? Change your room around. Everything that isn’t nailed to the floor must change position. Move your bed, rearrange your sock drawer, change your sheets, replace your posters, everything. I had a beautiful moment when applying this step. I was moving my exceptionally heavy bookshelf from one side of my room to the other, and all hell broke loose. I lost my balance and it tipped over, books and DVDs and the like rained painfully upon my head as I screamed, trying the best I could not to be crushed and killed by my own furniture. Do you think my ex was on my mind when this was going down? No. I was much more concerned with not dying.

“A change is as good as a rest” - Proverb

While you’re at it, don’t stop there either. Spring clean. Finally organise your bank statements. Reformat your laptop. Throw all your clothes onto your floor and then group them by colour. Get rid of the old sweaters you haven’t worn for years. All of these things will distract you while you work towards a goal, and the end results will be so tangible that, despite your internal conflict, you will taste satisfaction if even for just that brief moment.

“The secret of your future is hidden in your daily routine.” - Mike Murdock

In research for this article, I found many writers swearing by the magic of routine, and as I am OCD about my own longtime developed customs, I agree. Structure is important and keeps you moving, which your diary should aid you in obtaining. However, whether you subscribe to this practice already or don’t, now is the time to shake it up. Change your brand of toothpaste. Do your hair before you put your shoes on. Walk a different way to the tube station. Drive a new route to work. Once again, change every minute detail that you could even perceive as being changeable.

In many ways, this step can be the most powerful of them all. Before you know it, you and your life will feel fresh, shiny and brand new. Which is as exciting as it is the perfect method to eradicate every single reminder of you-know-who.

Step Seven: Clean Insides By Cleaning Outsides

“Cleanliness is next to Godliness” - Ancient Hebrew Proverb

This step is an extension of the previous step, but is one I found so particularly useful that I granted it its own space. Everyday, I’d set aside half an hour to clean an area of my house. And as I live in a shared home where cleaning isn’t exactly a regular thing, there was a lot of work to be done. So off I’d go, perhaps today I’d clean the toilet, or vacuum the lounge, or distribute the ever growing pile of post, or organise the cupboard underneath the sink. I’d never bust my back on any one task (for example, cleaning the shower took me three days worth of half hours), but each time as I reached the end of a job, I’d stand back with pride and everyone in the house would be grateful for it, which would make me feel even better.

“I look forward to spring cleaning and putting things in their place. It's therapeutic for me.” - Kimora Lee Simmons

The main purpose is that cleaning does have a peculiar therapeutic value about it. It’s almost as if it represents your mind, and even though I loathe housework, the end result was always one of happiness and accomplishment. So much so, that I even started washing everyone’s dishes on a daily basis. It kept me busy, it kept me useful, it gave me purpose. And, best of all, it didn’t take long until the house started to look in better shape, which itself was a much happier place to come home to. Half an hour a day is all you need, and you will adore the benefits.

“I love cleaning, weird but true. It really relaxes me.” - Jessie J

Step Eight: Medicate Wisely

“Basically, I'm for anything that gets you through the night—be it prayer, tranquilizers or a bottle of Jack Daniels.” - Frank Sinatra

Now, this is one of those controversial steps which I am sure many a professional would disagree with. But the one thing that truly took its toll on me, was how difficult I found it to fall asleep. In my head I’d have visions of The Girl fucking the other guy, and of course, within my imagination, his dick was much bigger than mine and he was a much better lover than I was (impossible). I’d jump at every noise, praying it was her coming into my room to make amends, to cuddle me back into dreamworld, and it drove me fucking mental. So when you take this lack of sleep and couple it with the already underlying pangs of heartbreak, you were left with days which became progressively more and more difficult to deal with.

Eventually I reached breaking point, and ordered these cool little (legal) benzodiazepines called Etizolam online. I took one an hour before bedtime, and was not only relieved by the lack of anxiety it granted but also the nightly rest my poor body so desperately craved. Of course, the last thing you need to develop is a dependency on something, so as part of your goals in your diary, set a date (perhaps a month later) when you will stop taking them, and fucking stick to it.

“The first thing in the human personality that dissolves in alcohol is dignity.” - Unknown

On the flip side of all of this, is alcohol. It is the most popular of all self-medication substances, and yet in so many ways, is the worst. I found when I got drunk, I turned into a monster. I’d become bitter, and I’d become aggressive. I’d suddenly have a thousand things to say and none of it was nice. I am ashamed to admit that at times, I smashed everything in my room—my mirror, my clothes rack, my cupboard, my hairbrush—which in some ways felt great, but was still a horrible mess to deal with the next morning, hungover. Which is why I quit drinking for quite some time during my own mission, because I wasn’t dealing with things properly in that way. However, if your preferred method of escape is to get motherlessly drunk, ensure you do so with a good friend rather than alone, and give them the following strict instruction: do not let me drunk dial. As much as you may suddenly find you have a million clever things to say whilst intoxicated, force yourself to sleep it off before you do so. I guarantee that you will awake grateful that you did not spill your guts whilst impaired, and more often than not, you won’t want to do it once you’re sober anyway.

“People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.” - Ann Landers

Finally, there is no shame in seeking professional help. They deal with this kind of stuff all the time, as heartbreak is a well documented cause of serious distress, although they’ll probably just prescribe you something to chill you out anyway. Perhaps none of this appeals to you, and like any of these steps, do not feel obliged to take this route if it seems counter-productive to your cause. However, if you are truly at the end of your noose, give in to a crutch for a while, rather than lose sleep, do something stupid, or dread every single day.

“I've realised therapy is incredibly therapeutic.” ― Lisa Schroeder; I Heart You, You Haunt Me

Step Nine: Admire Other Fish, But Rebound Cautiously

“Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.” - Dave Barry

Another great and easy method to (if nothing else) realise the opportunities involved with a break-up as well as get excited about potential, is this one. Go through all of your Facebook friends, and make note of the ones who are single and attractive to you. Perhaps these are people you may have once had a chance with. Perhaps these are people you may have very well hooked up with if you had been single at the time. Even if some are better than others, I suggest trying your best to make a list of 10 potential people you somewhat fancy. And then, one-by-one, send them a message. Your intention must not be about meeting up or getting laid. You must not mention your recent break-up to them. You should simply ask them how they are and find out how their lives are going. Some of them will probably be boring, giving you one word answers and the conversation may end abruptly. Others may really engage you in interesting chatter, and you should reciprocate. But no matter what the exchange, remember that this is about finding your footing again and opening yourself up to new discussions and good-looking friends. It is not about finding the next person to date. You are merely re-accessing the fun flirty side of your personality, reminding yourself of your self worth, and by doing so with people you already have some sort of a rapport with, you will minimise the awkwardness and desperation one may find on, say, a dating website.

“I always say don't make plans, make options.” - Jennifer Aniston

Speaking of which, I actually recommend joining a dating website too, once again not to find a partner but rather to get a feel for what is out there, just for lols. It’s a fun process setting up your profile and it’s beneficial to become aware of the vast amount of characters that are out there, waiting for someone just like you. Personally, I joined a few, but didn’t utilise them for anything other than browsing a bit. I’d get emails stating “so-and-so has viewed your profile” or “this person is highly compatible with you” and that was exciting, if not a bit weird. I never followed through, but in my mind, I knew I could if I wanted to, and that sparked a touch of excitement to my otherwise lonely existence.

“Until you get comfortable with being alone, you’ll never know if you’re choosing someone out of love or loneliness.” - Mandy Hale

But whether a dating site or Facebook, I don’t recommend rushing too hard into anything. Just play it cool. Harmless messaging is great for self confidence, but running out into the open with “I’m single and ready” pasted onto your forehead not only looks desperate and will attract the wrong person, but is also the equivalent of using a plaster to cover an axe wound. You should deal with your heartbreak properly before giving up yourself to someone else, otherwise you will never offer them the real and best person you are. Don’t get me wrong, I’d never suggest fighting against chemistry, and if you find yourself talking more and more to one specific person, relating to them on all sorts of levels, cautiously toy with that path if it feels right. For perhaps they will, in fact, be “the one”, who is to say?

“The best way to get over a man is to get under a new one." - Ryan Turner (played by Charlie Sheen); Good Advice

Which brings us to the classic “rebound” technique. Now, rebounds are a highly debatable topic. I have many an intelligent friend who swears by them, some of which claim it is “the only way” to get over someone. And, granted, it truly is a great manner in which to feel better about oneself, like prozac or some other temporary relief mechanism. However, this was never really my style, because it appears to be a method for treating symptoms rather than cause. It’s disrespectful to yourself as well as the other person to simply go out and grab the nearest quickest fuck, because in moments of heartbreak you don’t know who you are, and this is not fair on anyone. I consider it much more admirable and dignified if someone takes the time alone to rediscover themselves and fix their personal turmoil first before eagerly running towards the easiest escape route.

That said, take this advice with a pinch of salt. Rebounds are probably the thing most of your friends will prescribe and it is a hugely popular practice in forgetting your troubles. If you wish to go down this track, I am sure it will grant you a piece of what you are looking for, but depending on how deep your injuries run, I am doubtable it will solve the issue. You are in danger of repeating your past mistakes, and it could even make you feel more used and worthless than before, as well as taint your reputation. I’d suggest you wait a month or two before doing so, or you may never know yourself again.

“Rebound relationships are a great way to boost your ego while completely shattering an innocent person's life.” - Unknown

Step Ten: Get By With A Little Help From Your Friends

“The best way to mend a broken heart is time and girlfriends.” - Gwyneth Paltrow

Yet another step unanimously agreed upon by every article written on the subject, is the value of friendship. That said, I still feel like so many miss and misuse the point of having friends in the first place, which is this: it’s a two way street. Even if they are at a strong point of their lives at this current moment and can take on some of the weight of your misery, you will still be a drain on their happiness and a bore. If you keep this up for too long, they will associate you with having a bad time, and they will begin to loathe your company.

My rules were simple. I’d meet up with and speak to any friend who would listen, one at a time. But I would never repeat myself to any of them. There are only so many times you need to tell someone you are hurting or how so-and-so mistreated you, but there is absolutely no point to it or even an end in sight. Tell them what happened. Tell them how you feel. Make sure they understand your position. And then move the discussion along, using them for what they are meant to do: make you feel better.

Here is another powerful tip: when it comes to the mutual friends of you and your former partner, do not slag your ex off to them. Rather (and as hard as this may be), try and focus on the good factors about your ex without disguising your hurt in conversation. And above all else, always, (always!) request that mutual friends keep it neutral. There is something so incredibly liberating about this. It feels like you are rising above the situation, and the mutual friends will appreciate how much you eased their awkward position on the matter. Think about it: if your ex is demanding mutual friends pick sides, while you are requesting they don't, whose side are they most likely to take?

“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” - Epictetus

Talking is the second most important aspect of this step. The most important aspect, is listening. Sometimes you will find your friends will turn it around, and even though you are the one hurting, they will try relate it to their past, by saying something like “I remember when me and (x) broke up 2 years ago...” or “I know exactly what you are going through right now, it’s like when I...” etc. This is annoying, but go with it. Do not focus solely on yourself. Listen to their clichés, give them the time to speak. And then, do whatever they tell you to do.

If they suggest you watch a certain movie about break-ups which is guaranteed to make you cry, do it. If they inform you of a comedy which would cheer you up, go and watch it. If they speak about a self-help book which guided them through their tough times, go out and buy it. Get lead to water, and drink. Because even if none of this helps and you really don’t feel like you can be assed, it will still provide the sliver of hope you are chasing. Write it down in your diary and move forward using the hand of others.

“Listen to many, speak to a few.” - William Shakespeare

Step Eleven: The Fastest Way To Help Yourself...

“The best cure for weariness is the challenge of helping someone who is even more tired. One of the great ironies of life is this: He or she who serves almost always benefits more than he or she who is served.” - Gordon B. Hinckley; Standing for Something: 10 Neglected Virtues That Will Heal Our Hearts and Homes

This is a tried and tested method, which follows directly on from the last step. Find someone who needs help, and help them. A selfless act (if indeed such a thing exists) will bring you joy, and by helping another, you will in turn be helping yourself find that warm vibe which is ingrained into us when aiding those in need. Give the love you don’t have, and then you will have it.

“It is literally true that you can succeed best and quickest by helping others to succeed.“ - Napoleon Hill

One way would be to meet up with someone else who is having relationship troubles. Go to their side, and do not talk about yourself. Listen to their problems and fight the urge to focus the conversation upon your own problems. You may even find your troubles shrink in the company of their much greater issues. You may even feel guilty for getting so wrapped up in an incident which, as always, could be much worse. And this kind of progression will be invaluable to your own journey of healing.

“You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.” - John Bunyan

There are many other ways. Give money to the homeless. Give up your seat for the elderly. Help a stranger carry a box. Smile at random people on the street. Even if this goes completely against how you are feeling right now and it is a painful effort for you to achieve, we as animals are hardwired to look out for each other because it is beneficial to our species. You will feel better, simply because we are designed that way.

“It's not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.” - Mother Teresa

Finally, another thing I did as part of my daily diary routine, was to send one email every afternoon to someone, simply to thank them for being my friend and express my gratitude for something they had done for me in my past. I wouldn’t talk about my problems, I’d simply let them know they were on my mind and I appreciated their existence in my life. The responses I got back were always such a lift to my day, and I built upon my friendships as a result, which I needed desperately at the time.

“I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver.” - Maya Angelou

In summary: it’s about realising you are not the only person in the world with problems. And then thanking God (or whatever) for that.

“And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles; The End

Step Twelve: Look Out For Number One

“Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!” - Erma Bombeck

That said, you are still the only “you”. You are the only one who knows how it feels to be inside of you right now. It is nobody else's duty to feel or to even understand these things, and as a result, you and only you can fix this.

Fuck it. That’s the step here. Just, fuck it. Pamper yourself. Get the massage or the manicure. Splurge. Buy something you’ve wanted to buy for ages and worry about the cost later, as retail therapy is a tried and tested method for happiness. Ride the roller coasters, eat the ice cream, go out for the fancy dinner. It’s the step where all the other steps temporarily don’t matter, where you forget about trying to fix yourself and simply let go of it all for a moment. Spoil yourself, be spontaneous and impulsive about it, and do so guilt-free.

“Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.” - Mick Jagger

Don’t listen to Mr Jagger up there, for there has to be limits. This advice is best used in sudden moments of inspiration, perhaps when you find yourself having a particularly bad flash of pain and need some instantaneous relief. It is not in your best interest to make a habit out of indulging in chocolate or buying everything that catches your eye, for then you will end up fat and broke. Rather, use this method when you feel hopeless, and turn it around by spoiling yourself, sending your insides the message that you love them after all, even if it is done in a superficial manner. And after that place, you will find all the other steps that much easier.

“Look out for Number One. If you don't, no one else will.” - Arnold Rothstein

Step Thirteen: Wash Yourself Out

“To keep the body in good health is a duty ... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.” - Buddha

On the flip side of this indulgence, you should also want to start building hope by clearing yourself out, mentally and physically. The most obvious ways to achieve this is to eat better and to exercise, even though I am sure these are the last things in the world you feel like doing right now. But the benefits are endless: they will release dopamine in your brain, which brings happiness; they will energise you and relieve stress; they will help you sleep at night; and (best of all) your body will show the results, which will boost your self confidence. Perhaps you already hit the gym on the regular, and if so, keep it up, or even increase your schedule. Perhaps exercise is something you’ve never been interested in, in which case start small, for example: doing a few crunches at home whilst your computer boots up, or running up and down your stairs a couple of times. Even going for a nice brisk walk will benefit your body as well as help the clearing of one's thoughts as you observe the world around you and take in the fresh air. Join a dance class, take some ice skating lessons, play some basketball, do anything to get a little more active. A touch of fruit and veg on top of that, and you’re good to go.

“To dream by night is to escape your life. To dream by day is to make it happen.” - Stephen Richards

Much like your body, your mind too can be exercised into health. Meditation is one of the greatest forms of finding peace in the world, and simply by sitting in a quiet room for half an hour a day and releasing your troubles into the Universe by focusing on one specific abstract thing (perhaps an imaginary dot or an interesting word), you will be amazed at how much stronger you will come out the other side. If you are religious, find relief in prayer, or even if you are not, do not be embarrassed to give a quick thank-you to Life itself, and then request better feelings. You don’t have to believe in a higher power to be grateful for, say, your eyes or your hands, but just these feeling of gratitude alone will push things forward dramatically.

Furthermore (and most important of all) you need to visualise your future. No matter how silly it feels, imagine a better existence. Plan what you would say to your ex when all your dreams have come true and they have lost everything. When you win the lotto, what is the first thing you’ll do with the money? Where would your next ideal holiday be? What is the colour of your next car? Live the life you want to live in your mind, even if only for 10 minutes before you go to bed, and then cling on to how that feels.

"Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions." - Albert Einstein

Step Fourteen: They Don’t Know What They’re Missing

“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.” - Lucille Ball

Of all the points on this list, I found the following two to be the most fun and perhaps the most beneficial. The first is to buy a notepad and a pen, and then label it with some variation of the following title:

100 Reasons Why I Am A Great Partner
(for interest sakes, I actually titled mine “100 Reasons Why I’m The Illest Motherfucker Ever”, but each to their own)

And then you do exactly what you’d assume. Start off by writing a quick 10 reasons why you are a catch. These could seriously be anything at all, for example: “I can talk about my feelings”; “I earn a decent salary and am independent”; “I am forever improving myself”; “I am relatively attractive”; “I can cook a killer pasta” etc. Once you have your initial 10, stop, and put it away.

The ball is rolling. From here the idea is to relax and let the rest come to you. Next time you get that small sliver of pride or someone gives you a compliment, take note of it as a new point. There is no factor which is too small either, so don’t worry if some may seem insignificant, because you are writing 100 of these fuckers, so naturally some will be dumber than others. “I know a lot about fish”; “I keep my keyboard clean”; “I always cover my mouth when I sneeze” - all of which are perfectly acceptable entries.

“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.” - Marilyn Monroe

I don’t care who you are. Nobody is perfect, and nobody is completely useless. No matter how inadequate you are feeling right now, you could pull enough content out of your bum to fill ten times as many lists like this. Perhaps it may take months, but the elevation of your self worth will be priceless. And the best thing about this game is that you should have fun with it. In fact, if you aren’t having fun when you attempt this, you should probably put it aside and try again a bit later, because it is just that. A game.

Take it away Hermione:

“It sounds like a cliché but I also learnt that you're not going to fall for the right person until you really love yourself and feel good about how you are.” - Emma Watson

Step Fifteen: Design A Lover

“Don't look for a soul mate. Make one - out of the complex fabric of the human being already with you. Instructions are never included. They vary with the strength of your ability to see, the measure of your selective blindness, the limits of your mercy, and the intensity of your desire.” - Vera Nazarian; The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration

This point follows directly after the last one. In the same notebook, perhaps at the back, start a new list, and title it this exactly:

Thank You So Much For My New Boyfriend/Girlfriend. I Am Grateful For Them Because...

Underneath this title you will be writing 100 points, each of which will separately complete the above sentence, all describing your perfect lover exactly. Once again, there are no right or wrong answers here, and above all else, you should have a blast writing absolutely anything which comes to mind, no matter how ridiculous... “they have a cool haircut”; “they kiss really well”; “they smell like candyfloss”; “they love to sleep in”; “they are smart but not as smart as me” are all brilliant inclusions. You will literally be designing your ideal partner, and by doing so in present tense, you will amplify the emotions of what it would actually feel like to have them in your life.

“Having experienced everything you don't want in a partner over time, it starts to narrow down to what you actually do want.” - Jennifer Aniston

To me the most powerful result from this exercise, is that you start to work out all the things your ex wasn’t. You will hopefully start to feel more deserving, not only in the way that you will find love again, but in the way that you will find something even better than what you had before. I know this may seem like a tiresome journey or perhaps a new lover is the last thing in the world you want right now, but mark my words that no matter how much in love you are or were with your ex (or even how hard you try to avoid it), you will fall in love again, if you let go. It is inevitable. Because there are literally a million people on this planet who would kill to have someone like you, no matter who you are.

“I used to believe in one true soul mate, but not anymore. I believe you can have a few.” - Paul Walker

Step Sixteen: Success Is The Best Revenge

“Life is sometimes hard. Things go wrong, in life and in love and in business and in friendship and in health and in all other ways that life can go wrong. And when things get tough, this is what you should do. Make good art.” - Neil Gaiman

You can summarise the majority of these entries with one word: distractions. And nothing will distract your mind as easily as good old fashioned hard work. Immerse yourself in your job, take on big projects and watch the hours fall out of the day’s bum. Get involved with activities after work. Something I found a lot of upon researching for this article which agreed with my own personal experience, is that weekends can be the hardest, which is why you need a hobby immediately. Perhaps you have one, and if you do, this should now be your priority. Perhaps you don’t have one and you have no idea what to do with your new found lonely time, and then finding a hobby should be your priority. Have you ever tried to knit a jersey? Tried indoor rock climbing? Painted a post-modernist masterpiece? Trained for a marathon? Written a short story? Starred in a play? Mastered the harp? The possibilities are endless, and even if you try one and hate it, do not worry, simply throw it aside and try another one. Distractions, that is all you are looking for here. Drown yourself in them.

“The best revenge is massive success.” - Frank Sinatra

But there is more to this than meets the eye. The first is that a large (large!) portion of good art and success stories in the world today, have stemmed from the emotions you are currently feeling. It is on par with love itself, as one of the most powerful feelings a human being can experience. If you can turn it around and use it as a tool of inspiration, the results will rain down with fury, tapping into parts of your creativity that you only have the window of access into right now. Take a bad situation, turn it into a good something. It’s a tough thing for me to admit, but once I start to heal a broken heart, I almost miss it because the potency of my art decreases substantially.

And yet deeper still, imagine one of these projects really turn into something? Suddenly you are rich. You are revered. You are famous. You are It. Nothing, and I mean nothing, will make your ex want you more, and nothing will make you want your ex less.

“Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don't recognise them.” - Ann Landers

Step Seventeen: A Super Special Level Up Secret

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” - Martin Luther King, Jr.

This little tip may not be relevant to your current circumstances, but it has a special kind of power involved with it, so if you can apply it to your life, I highly recommend it.

Besides your ex, is there someone you currently dislike? A person who you have recently had an argument with or, even better, hate with a passion? Now is the time to make amends with them. I know this may seem silly and completely unrelated to your current position, but there is method. It places focus from the heartbreaker onto someone else, and then opens yourself up to let them back in. This is an exercise in practicing forgiveness, of growing as a person, of being the bigger human, and working out the finer details of what it takes to let something go.

I took this one very seriously in a way that nobody expected. Without getting too personal, I emailed the so-called “friend” who had been hooking up with my ex while we were still technically together. I told him I had nothing against him as a person (lie). I told him that if anyone was fucking my ex, I was glad it was him (lie!!!). I told him it would take me a while to get over the situation (truth) but I hoped he was having fun (lies lies lies). It didn't matter that I failed to mention that I wanted to cut out his throat and force feed it to him, because what good would that do? Instead, I caught him (and everyone) off guard, including myself in a way, and in that moment, I grew a foot taller than the situation.

His response was one of shock but also one of gratitude. I like to believe that deep down he harboured some guilt in fucking me over, and was now relieved that I’d cleared the air a bit, as well as perhaps a little regretful that he’d handled things the way he did. Personally, the process made me sick to my fucking stomach, but I still felt liberated in the knowledge that I had been the better person in the conflict, and had done the right thing. Jesus would have been proud.

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” - Oscar Wilde

As I mentioned, I don’t expect you to follow this story note-for-note. Rather, think of someone who you are currently not on good terms with, and fix it. It’s about practice. It’s about letting go. It’s about remembering that this is a game, and even with factors that have nothing to do with your current troubles, you can grow as a person from it and start your new life by using your turbulence as a turbo-booster.

Step Eighteen: Freak Yourself Out

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” - Neale Donald Walsch

A lot of this article has been about changing yourself and your routine, in hopes that reminders will fade and you as a person will feel some sort of a transformation. But nothing (noooo thiiiing) can achieve this faster than doing something that completely scares the shit out of you.

Book a solo holiday on a remote island. Go skydiving. Do a photoshoot. Go sing karaoke in front of a room full of strangers. Go hold a snake. I guarantee you that in the planning and anticipating of these events, your thoughts will be completely devoured by dread and, as a result, free of your ex. You will be far too preoccupied with nerves and excitement to even bother with the idea of them. It is an instant relief, whenever you want it. If you are in the worst place you could possibly imagine right now, book a shark cage diving course and realise you were wrong. This could very well be the most useful step out of anything on this list for your circumstances.

“It's good to feel stupid sometimes and do things that are out of your comfort zone.” - Mary-Louise Parker

Me, I got suspended. That’s when these people shoved two large hooks into my shoulders and lifted me into the sky by my skin. Do you think I was heartbroken when they pierced a huge chunk of my flesh? How many times do you think my ex crossed my mind whilst I was impaled in the sky, adrenaline pumping throughout my system and blissful agony replacing every single cell of my body? I’ll give you a hint: none. For in those moments (as well as the moments leading up to it), I was free of everything negative, reaching new levels of self discovery, which stuck with me for days afterwards and still hasn’t fully left me.

It’s the tried-and-tested greatest method of escaping your current mental space, and from your new found platform of fear, it is much easier to structure a permanent escape route. If you are in a rut and need a kickstart to get out of it, here is your motorbike.

Step Nineteen: Be Patient

“Only time can heal your broken heart. Just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs.” - Miss Piggy

Above all else, you must accept that time is the greatest healer. You could do everything I say in a week or so, and while you may find a substantial degree of relief, you will never ever find an instant fix. It was never going to be easy, and it’s not supposed to be, because this is life, with its extraordinary ups and downs, beauty and pain, light and darkness. You may be low right now, but you cannot stay low forever, and each and every step you take forward, each and every hour you kill, each and every smile you manage or laugh you take, will be one small but definite progression in the right direction.

“I'm extraordinarily patient provided I get my own way in the end.” - Margaret Thatcher

If you remember one thing, remember this: You will get over them. Even if you follow none of my advice and fight the healing process and dwell on the depressions of the past, at some point, you will no longer be in love with them, even if (heaven forbid) it takes 10 years. Furthermore, someone else will come along and steal your heart, if you are open to it. You will fall in love again, and, yes, perhaps you will even get your heartbroken once more. It’s just the way it works, and you will only make it worse if you fight against it. For this is the beauty and the tragedy of being human, and the risk we take by being open to new experiences. But for now, my guarantee is as follows: one day you will look back at this interesting chapter of your life and you will laugh at how this insignificant person once managed to make you feel. Maybe not right now, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually this will turn into a distant dream-like memory, and if you use this time constructively, you will marvel at the person you have become because of it, and perhaps even be grateful for it.

Just wait in faith. Time heals all wounds.

“Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.” - Aristotle

Step Twenty: Make Peace

“It's not a persons mistakes which define them - it's the way they make amends.” - Freya North; Chances

And when you are ready, the time will come to forgive and make amends with the person who has hurt you, even if you are in the wrong. This does not have to be said out loud and it definitely cannot be rushed, but when you feel your uphill climb turning downward, it will no longer be in your best interest to hold a grudge against them or the things they have done. A very clever man once explained it best to me. He told me that it is not down to us to forgive an individual, for we are not “God” or some other authority on who deserves forgiveness. Rather, by holding animosity towards someone, we are in reality only hurting ourselves, and as a result, forgiveness has very little to do with them, but more to do with finding peace within ourselves. Do yourself a favour when you feel you are in a position to do so, and forgive them.

“It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.” - Chuck Palahniuk; Diary

However, if you feel strong enough to do this in person, I recommend considering the following: Be polite about it. Do not look for a response. Be the bigger person. Do not grant them the satisfaction of losing your cool and then getting trapped in some argument which will set you back. Do not even try to be their friend, if you don't want to. Simply let them know you are no longer affected by the human they are, and then turn your back to face the sun, walking away with a smile on your face in the full knowledge that you handled this to the very best of your ability. And never think of them again.

“Sometimes you only get one chance to rewrite the qualities of the character you played in a person's life story. Always take it. Never let the world read the wrong version of you.” - Shannon L. Alder



Final Words
I've always struggled with conclusions. Initially I wrote some garbage along the lines of "you are special, my only hope is that I at least help one individual, you can turn this into the best thing that has ever happened to you" blah blah blah blaaaauurrrghh. Sure, there is some quality truth in all that, but at this point, I just wasn't feeling it. And that alone made me question this whole article. Do I actually believe in what I am saying here? Who do I think I am pretending to be? Some self proclaimed authority on this very delicate and complex subject? And do I even care?

That's when my sister pointed out the obvious: the answer was right there in front me this whole time. The testament to this article's power lay within my very own experience with the article itself. I had written so extensively about my approach to healing heartbreak, researching other people's misfortune and pedantically analysing my own emotions, that I had become well and truly bored of the thought of break-ups. I was so over this article and I was so over the monotony of heartache, that it actually made me indifferent and desensitised to my own feelings. Which is to say, I am cured beyond the point of even giving a rat's ass about being cured. And so, if nothing else works, I'd recommend you try writing a blog just like this one, and before you know it, your problems will become so dull that you will have no choice other than to move on.

Godspeed.

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.” - Douglas Adams; The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

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