10. Du Blonde - Welcome Back to Milk
Du Blonde has said that this artwork’s “intention was not a sexual one,” and in that case, it was a complete success. She went on to elaborate that she refused the use of Photoshop, stating “I spent so many of my younger years worried about stretch marks and cellulite that it felt good to finally be in a position to say 'I don’t care',” which is admirable and empowering but her bush is really freaking me out.
09. Raekwon - Fly International Luxurious Art
Raekwon justified this John Newsom monstrosity by calling himself “monumental”; highlighting how a griffin means “good luck”; emphasising that the lion aspect is because he’s “in the jungle”; and that the all important “wings of life” represent how the rapper has “flown over many, many different places and left my mark”. Basically, he's just rambling like a crazy person. He concluded that when he “first put [the artwork] out, people were in awe because they didn’t understand, but now they get it. They love it.” But are you sure about that, Raekwon? Because I get it. And I don't love it. I don’t love it at all.
08. Action Bronson - Mr. Wonderful
Action Bronson’s in-house designer, FRKO, has done a few cool things in his career, including this one time when he created an image of Venom giving a rimjob, which I approve of. But this particular album artwork is shit for the following three reasons: (1) Action isn’t even facing the 'camera', which some may forgive as being 'arty', but I don't buy that because it looks like an MSPaint job, and you can't say 'Action Bronson' and 'arty' in the same sentence; (2) Action is far too fat to even do the splits, so it’s all one big LIE; and (3) Mr. Wonderful is a very stupid and unoriginal name for an album anyway, especially because Action Bronson isn’t even that wonderful to begin with.
07. Cherry Garcia - Vine Of Souls
It’s really difficult to find any information about this piece, which is blatantly because whoever was responsible for the design has gone into hiding. Please note the Illuminati symbol, and how the artist likes to stick woman’s eyes over his face just like my uncle used to do. NO, UNCLE, DON’T!
06. The Phoenix Foundation - Give Up Your Dreams
Following on quite nicely from Cherry Garcia, this Rosie Scott creation is weirdly similar to that last piece of crap. Once again, please notice the Illuminati symbol. Now please notice the sky. Now please notice the illogical reflections of everything. Now please notice how terrible this is. What is it even supposed to be? A 3D modeling example from the weakest child in class? Give up on your dreams is fairly apt advice, kid.
MID BLOG BONUS: Wilco - Star Wars
Not an official entry, but I could not go on any further without mentioning this godawful/godawesome artwork from Wilco. I mean, there’s a cat. And they called it Star Wars. That’s pure clickbait gold right there, so much so that it’s almost a cheap shot. Is it the dumbest thing ever? Or is it the smartest? Please advise.
05. Duran Duran - Paper Gods
All sarcasm aside, this is legitimately a good idea: stickers designed by Brian Roettinger (who’s worked with the likes of Jay-Z, St Vincent, and Mark Ronson, to name very few), all slapped on top of an Alex Israel backdrop painting, in hopes of accurately representing highlights from the band’s career. Look! There’s the lips from Rio! Or The Chauffeur’s cap! Or the sumo wrestler from Girls on Film! Or a Skin Trade silhouette! Or a Perfect Day ice cream! Or other stuff too! I'm so bored of writing! I'm not convincing anyone! This doesn’t work! I wouldn’t buy it! I haven't even listened to it! Apparently it's not very good!
04. Tyler, the Creator - Cherry Bomb
This artwork is only one of the five available Cherry Bomb covers out there (and to be fair, the version where he’s pissed himself is pretty funny), but the above cheap marker-pen scribble is almost as messy as the music within, and that's saying a lot.
03. Jamie Woon - Making Time
I remember the first time I used Photoshop. WHAT THE FUCK, JAMIE.
02. Lapko - Freedom
Design duo Rairai put this together, and I totally get it. It’s like, uhm, when you lie down and then place your knees by your ears, right? And then you like, look up at the sky through your legs with your bum proudly pointed towards the heavens, because, uhm freedom. You’re essentially mooning God, I think that’s the message here. It's hard to be inspired to write these bits when the images are so atrocious, I hope you appreciate that.
01. Peaches - RUB
Excellent photographer Daria Marchik took this incriminating shot, and then I can only assume someone with tiny hands attacked it with the Photoshop clone tool until we have an image as uncomfortable and cringy as Peach’s subject matter. But, hey, at least she doesn’t have a beard anymore, so we are getting somewhere.Five Other Terribles
The Darkness - Last of Our Kind
John Grant - Grey Tickles, Black Pressure
Miguel - Wildheart
Tech N9ne - Special Effects
tricot - A N D
The 10 Best Album Cover Artworks of 2014
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