10 Things I Learned When I Quit Social Media for 213.5 hours

Remember the other day when everyone freaked out about Facebook? Ironically, our news feeds were plagued with disdain towards the very platform they were being broadcasted on. It was as if an army of annoying parasites were cursing the host that fed it, even though this was the only thing keeping them alive. What's more, these festering creatures sure had a lot to say! Our data was being misused! Our privacy was under threat! I hereby swear my allegiance to the #DeleteYourFacebook movement! No more shall I be a part of such a blatant exploitation of the information I have happily surrendered up until this point! I am not a sheep like the rest of you, and instead, I will follow these other people over here! And we will remain undetected while reigning supreme!

Myself, I rose above such mass hysterical nonsense. I called its bluff, convinced that yet another panicked fad was corrupting the vulnerable little minds of our agitated society, and when I peered over the side of my pedestal the other day, it seems like I was correct. Again. Because do you know where those people are now? They're still on Facebook.

Eventually, this mad hype calmed its dribble, and then I jumped ship anyway. I did so in the most hypocritical manner I could possibly muster too, by posting a lone image across all of my social media accounts, dramatically making a big deal out of my departure with a grand announcement, one which provided no reasoning behind the decision. My hope was to provoke some light concern among my friendship group. I wanted them to ask questions. Had something terrible happened to Jared? Who hurt him? Was this a cry for help? Were we about to find this guy face-first in a bucket of dirty shower water? An intentional drowning? Nothing left behind but a suicide note which simply read, "So long, and thanks for all the Likes"?

No such luck, peasants. Rather, my trusty iPhone was having some hardware issues, and those friendly geniuses at the Apple store deemed it best to wipe all of my contents clean. My optimistic reprogramming told me that this may very well be an opportunity. I hesitated before diving back into the mass app installation process, and then opted to gently step away from the digital scene instead. I took a breather. I reevaluated my real life. I tested whether or not I even existed outside of this online persona I had so carefully crafted for myself. Believe me, I had my doubts.

My initial goal was to make it to 14 days, otherwise known as two weeks. After a while, I changed that into 11 days, which was still two weeks in working day numbers. I then reduced that to 10 days, because it’s a nicer number, I prefer it. In the end, I nearly made it to nine days. 213.5 hours, to be exact. But what had broken me? Had my online addiction overwhelmed my otherwise impenetrable integrity? Was my premature reconnection a result of deteriorated willpower? No. I had returned because my people needed me.

Here are 10 things I learned during my time of electronic solitude:

1. A stream of chatter immediately stopped running through my brain.

It was the voices of my friends! All day long, you guys are like blah blah blah, married kids food holiday gym feminism blaaaah. Omg, you mean I can turn that off? That shit was driving me crazy!

2. My battery lasted longer.

This is probably more of a moo benefit because it's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. Obviously you’ll have more battery! But you’ll also have nothing to use it on! Maybe I’ll just check my bank balance again. Nope, still nothing.

3. My phone’s entire purpose became uncertain.

For many of us, our phones are like dependable superhero sidekicks. Right by our hip whenever we need a helping hand. An instantaneous diversion at the tap of a button. Quickly, post that status before you forget it, boy. No longer was this the case for me. I would watch full movies without any idea where my phone was. The phantom pocket pangs eventually tired themselves out. There were no sly hits of Instagram before I went to bed. There were no provocative updates from the amateur alt-girls of Twitter, God bless you. There was nothing. Nothing whatsoever. In these moments of peaceful clarity, I began to question who had actually been in control all of this time. Was it me? Or was it that expensive little rectangle over there? I never answer phone calls anyway, so why do they even call you a phone?

4. That said, the autopilot aspect was scary.

Your brain is like my brain, and my brain is well trained. How often I’d catch my thumb frantically searching for the social media icons was unsettling. If they were available, make no mistake, my thought patterns would have broken me back in without even waiting for my command. “Stupid trained brain!” my trained brain said to itself.

5. I did miss stalking people though.

This happened often. I’d meet someone new or a recruiter with a hot name would send me an email, and my instinct would be to rush over to Facebook and analyse how this person had chosen to represent themselves online. But I couldn’t do that! Because I was on hiatus! Oh, the horror! How many potential wanks to fresh profile pictures did lose? I can't jerk off to normal porn anymore. I don’t know who those people are.

6. For the first time, I realised what social media actually is.

Social media is a time killer. People often use that term as a diss, treating Facebook as a scapegoat for their lack of productivity, when in truth, it was the human who pulled the trigger. Certainly, Facebook is a waste of our precious hours. But when you’re waiting in a queue or you’re stuck in an awkward conversation with someone who looks funny, then this Fast-Forward Life Button can be a fucking godsend.

7. It’s also called social media for a reason.

I was always one of those people who tried to sound smart when I said stuff like “social media is fake, it gives you a false sense of socialising, but it can never be a replacement for genuine real-life interaction hahaha”. I still believe this to be true, but not as true as I once believed it to be true. Rather, in these times of abstinence, I felt less connected to the real world than ever before. Even worse, was that my own ingenious thoughts had no escape route and they were forever absorbed into the murky muck that I call my memory, gone gone, without a trace, gone.

8. Facebook is well sneaky.

When you’ve been offline for a while, Facebook starts to pummel your email with useless information such as, “You have 60 unread notifications,” or “Your hot friend commented on their own status,” or "Remember that person from High School? They shared a meme about ducks, you'd love it". Shameless low blows which exploit your friends to entice you back, often mentioning them by name within the very subject line itself just to ensure that you can't look away in time. When my torturous experiment was finally over and I logged back in, roughly 75% of my notifications were completely unrelated to me. It’s as if the Facebook algorithm has a panic attack and does whatever it can to lure you into its dark labyrinth of distracting distractions again. It's a dick move, Mother Zuckerberg! Fuck you, Zuck! lol, that's a good one.

9. Nobody cares that you’ve left.

When I returned to the world of the half-living, I expected people to drop to their knees, begging for forgiveness that they had taken me for granted in the past, promising me a better future where I would be glittered by an abundance of reactions and praised via grammatically correct comments. Nope. Life went on without me. Nobody wrote on my wall. Nobody sent me a message. I am no one. I am nothing.

10. Social media is good for some people.

You often hear about these humans who quit their digital lives and feel an overwhelming sense of freedom, finally released from an anxiety they never knew they were carrying around in their pockets. Not me. I withered without my daily dose of validation. I have too many words bouncing around my skull and I need to put them into other people’s skulls because then it becomes their problem too. I cannot carry this burden alone. So yes, as it turns out, social media is actually good for some people. And I am one of those people.


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