Sunday, 7 June 2020

BREAKING NEWS: New Details Emerge About the Dominic Cummings Lockdown Breach

LONDON. While statements from Dominic Cummings and Mary Wakefield divide a nation on whether his lockdown actions warrant a resignation, there is one central figure to this story that the media has largely overlooked: the couple’s son, Alexander Cedd Cummings.

Recently, investigative journalist Kieran Skieran sat down to interview the four-year-old. Together with renowned language expert, Samuel Crunkbottom (who specialises in the toddler tongue of the silver spoon variety), they uncovered details which may or may not alter the outcome of this narrative.

According to their interpretations, Mr Cummings was struck by a sudden mid-Spring metabolic deficiency and he required his yearly blood-transfusion much earlier than anticipated. However, due to the supply shortage during the COVID-19 pandemic, this procedure could only take place in County Durham at such short notice.

As The Daily Mail reports, Dominic Cummings suffers from a rare hereditary disorder that has run through his interbred ancestry for thousands of years. This medical condition (known as Plasma Occupant Eradication Syndrome but more commonly referred to as “vampire thirsting”) is diagnosed when an individual’s neural tissue becomes dehydrated by their own blood. This results in a myriad of side effects, including the craving for virgin flesh and an inescapable regret towards one’s role in the gradual collapse of Britain.

Little Alexander went on record stating that he feels his daddy’s actions came from a place of good heart. He added that Dominic was much less murderous after the successful transfusion and that the family had a wonderful day celebrating mommy’s birthday at Barnard Castle.

This story was sponsored by the Janthopoyism newsletter. Every month, one lucky subscriber will win a random prize. In May 2020, Kieran won a "200-Word Blog Post on Anything".
His chosen subject was as follows: "As Dominic Cummings and his wife have both wrote separately about their trip to Durham, I'd love to hear from their 4-year-old son who was along for the ride".
It shall be done.
If you'd like to be in the running for future prizes, don't hesitate! Sign up to the mailing list now.


  1. I would like to thank young Alexander for sitting and answering questions so well, Samuel Crunkbottem for his (as always) incredible translations, and Jared Woods for his thorough research backed by only the most credible sources.

    1. All in a day's work, thank you for your assistance and support, Mr. Skieran.