(according to me)
You know, it has been over four years since
part one of this very article, and oh my, how the world has changed! The feminist movement has surged forward and become one of the biggest topics of recent times, producing a special sort of caution within the male population. What are we allowed to say? Who are we allowed to look at? What physical aspect of a woman are we allowed to marvel over? Where is the goddamn rulebook?
Which is why I was hesitant to write this sequel article. When the original first came out, it was hugely popular, mainly because boys are very horny, but also because the general public was a lot more chilled at that point. Does this lax attitude towards worshipping skin beauty still apply to our modern day society? Would such a blog piece only prove to perpetuate the reputation that I, as a man, was treating girls as objects rather than appreciating them on levels of intelligence or skill sets? Am I part of the problem where magazine covers judge females for superficial factors and support the concept of some unrealistic body type? Once again, I can’t seem to find this rulebook.
In the end, I decided to proceed for reasons of respect. You see, we are all born with different qualities, and one cannot deny that looking good is a quality within itself. Perhaps I don’t agree with the practice of setting ridiculous standards which distort females' self body images, but I do support pretty things, and as a heterosexualish male, I refuse to fight the instinct which tells me that these following girls are prime examples of what I enjoy on a natural level. Perhaps one day I will write a list of The Smartest Girls Ever, but for now, I feel the hotness topic encourages a lot more hits, and so I have just successfully justified it to myself to write this: a list of the female celebrities I drool over right now, for all the wrong reasons. Still, this is the stupidest blog I've written in a long time, and I am also very sorry they are generally white blondes. I am blatantly a big fat shallow racist.
20. Gwyneth Paltrow
“I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.”
I decided to start off this list with something sweet and simple. For here is the type of girl you’d bring home to mama, confident that Paltrow would be very polite and chew with her mouth closed and laugh at your dad's jokes even if they weren’t that funny. And then maybe at some point during this hypothetical dinner, you’d casually slip in the fact that your date once won an Oscar for
Shakespeare in Love and has also had the penises of Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, and Chris Martin inside of her. I dunno, would my mother want to know that? Probably. But regardless, there does seem to be something super healthy about Gwyneth, like she smells of fruit salad and doesn't age badly, as if she holds the secret to eternal beauty, or perhaps
is the secret to eternal beauty, how would I know? I’m no witch doctor, but I would like to be one some day.
19. Emilia Clarke
“After my last audition for 'Game of Thrones,' they said, 'Congratulations, princess.' I was like, 'Bye-bye, call centre.'”
Daenerys Targaryen! Daenerys Targaryen herself! She's so bad ass! She has dragons and an army and shit! But she’s all fair to the people like! She deserves an award! Somebody give this girl the goddamn throne already! She is so hot I’d shout obscene things at her just so she’d stab me and I’d die satisfied that for a moment she registered my existence!
Game of Thrones is based on a true story! George R.R. Martin is a figment of your imagination! I really hope no one reads these stupid articles! At least the pictures are cool! Call me, Emilia!
18. Selena Gomez
“My perfect guy wears converse, is totally laid back, and doesn't worry about being cool.”
I'm not really too sure what this is about, but around a year or so ago, I irrationally fell in love with Selena. I like her music a lot, but it’s a little bit too sugary to admit this to my friends. She has been involved with a load of film and TV appearances, but none of these were particularly memorable (except for perhaps
Spring Breakers, which might have been where this trouble started). And while there is no denying she is a looker, she’s not exactly your stereotypical hot, more like a cute troll above a sex symbol. So why exactly is she here? Well, I have thought about this long and hard, and figured that Belieberism is a sexually transmitted disease, and as she has slept with Justin Bieber, she probably got a huge dose of the semen virus from the source penis, and in some way my suppressed desire to fuck Justin has manifested in my adoration for Gomez. It’s a legit problem, look it up.
17. Nina Persson
“We're not troubled at all, but I think... well, we're Scandinavians! We're Vikings and we have a lot of blackness in our souls.”
What’s better than a hot rockstar girl?
NOTHING. Which is why the singer for one of my favourite bands ever, The Cardigans, ticks every box with her box, from her disinterested attitude, to her talented genre-bending melodies, to her 15 million albums sold worldwide. Furthermore, her name is an anagram of “Insane Porns”, which blatantly has nothing to do with anything except for perhaps some subconscious level where I am suddenly very turned on all the time. Basically, I'm just trying to fulfil my word quota here, this isn't an easy blog to write.
16. Sky Ferreira
“I hate when people call me a socialite because you have to have money to be a socialite, which I don't have.”
The Kinderwhore fashion scene has kinda faded out, and that sucks. I enjoy it when a girl looks like she is about to die from an overdose of intravenous drug use while she stinks of Jack Daniels and gets into fist fights with boys. I just want to help them! I just want to help myself to them! Anyway, Sky’s music doesn’t really get me hard, but when she shows her nipple on her album cover and gets arrested for heroin possession, then I want to give her all my money just to watch her destroy herself and become the next Courtney Love. She’s probably doing fine though, I don’t know her personally, I just read some things.
15. Jodie Foster
“I was never the ingenue or the pretty girlfriend of Tom Cruise in a movie. I didn't have that career, so I don't have to compete on that level.”
It’s hard to say this without sounding a bit paedophilic, but I honestly first felt something for Jodie in the 1976 Scorsese film
Taxi Driver, when Foster was only 13 years old. She played a child prostitute and performed the role so well that my whole view on acting as an art form changed whilst I watched that dialogue scene between her and De Niro at the diner. And I wasn’t alone, as her appearance in this film and various others (like
The Accused,
The Silence of the Lambs, and
Nell) went on to earn her two Oscars, three Baftas, two Golden Globes, and a stalker by the name of John Hinckley, Jr who shot U.S. President Ronald Reagan just to get her attention. Jokes on you though, Hinckley. Jodie likes girls.
14. Grimes
“I feel like vocals are to music what portraits are to painting. They're the humanity. Landscapes are good and fine, but at the end of the day everyone loves the Mona Lisa.”
The thing about Grimes is that she doesn’t really seem human. She seems more like a pixie or a fairy with her wings plucked off or maybe a sound rather than an actual physical being. You'd almost expect to stumble across her in a forest yet she wouldn't even notice you because she's too busy dancing around covered in nothing but tinfoil. And then you'd try to touch her, but your hand goes straight through because she is made out of mist and naturally this is related to that acid trip you took whilst listening to her ethereal
Visions album. Ah, lame, not again. But what a fucking album!
13. Juno Temple
“For a woman, body image is always a palpable thing. Weirdly, for me, the only time I don't care is when I'm in character.”
Very often when it comes to falling for celebrities, we base our affection not on the human themselves, but rather the characters they play—which makes sense because we generally don’t know them whatsoever and have to make shit up for our alone time fantasies. And this is the case for Juno Temple, or rather, Dottie Smith, the ditsy little sister in the film
Killer Joe. Her carefree childlike nature and spacey innocence worked very well within the context of one very messed up movie, especially the part when she gets completely naked and then is fucked from behind by Matthew McConaughey. I liked that. I think that might have been the point where I took notice, actually. Regardless, she is undeniably beautiful, talented, has starred in various other A-Class projects you may of heard of (
The Dark Knight Rises,
Sin City: A Dame to Kill For,
Maleficent, some other stuff), which makes me feel funny things in funny places :(
12. Naomi Watts
“You won't find me in a romantic comedy. Those movies don't speak to me. People don't come to talk to me about those scripts, because they probably think I'm this dark, twisted, miserable person.”
Age is but a number when you’re as lonely as me, but thanks to the internet, we can admire Naomi throughout the years at whatever age you like. It was back when she was just over 30 years young in the Lynch classic
Mulholland Drive when I first laid eyes upon this beautiful human being and even though the film itself made me feel uncomfortable, I was still pretty stoked that she was there to see me through to the end. As time has gone on, she has starred in plenty of other decent flicks, was nominated for Oscars, and has done a lot for AIDS research, but most importantly of all—even more important than AIDS prevention—is that Watts has aged very well, even her smile-wrinkles having some weird sophisticated sex appeal to them. I’d love to cook her a meal, is what I am saying. Converse about animal rights. Observe her table manners. Accidentally brush her finger as I hand her a napkin. I am a simple man with simple thoughts.
11. Kitty
“I don't care how long it takes to get you after me. I wrote our names on my binder and everybody laughed at me.”
At the young age of only 22, there is something so attractive about a girl who goes viral, don't you think? What’s more, she acts her age (or perhaps even younger), coming across all awkward in front of the camera whilst singing creepy love songs about a guy she is crushing on who doesn’t like her back (
Ay Shawty 3.0), or her distant lovings via dating websites (
Okay Cupid), or even her unhealthy obsession with Bieber (
JUSTIN BIEBER!!!!!), which is just great. And with such a unique ooze of desperation flowing from some proper talent, I almost get the impression I have a chance with this girl. Seriously, Kitty, hit me up, we can cycle around the park or smoke weed through glass bongs or whatever you children are up to these days.
10. Valeria Lukyanova
“My communication with aliens is not verbal—we speak the language of light.”
I’m pretty fucked up so I like weird shit, and Ukraine’s Valeria is really really fucked up weird shit. Known better as the 'Human Barbie', she has taken it upon herself to look like a toy doll, and has done quite well on this mission. What’s even more fucking strange, is that she claims to have achieved her look without any surgery (sans a boob job) and credits her success to a diet called
inedia, which excludes any food and even sometimes water. Did I mention she actively opposes interracial relationships and apparently talks to aliens while she travels on spiritual plains? Because she seriously says shit like that. I’d still date her though, just to see the look on my parents’ faces. Hide the scissors, mum!
9. Ellen Page
“There's obviously a lot of tragedy in comedy; I really enjoy the paradox of what a really good comedy is.”
I had this dream once where me and Ellen hooked up, and ever since then I couldn’t get the cuteness of her face out of my head. I wanted to be the Michael Cera to her Juno, impregnate her and then marvel over our amalgamated genetics. I wanted to be the Joseph Gordon-Levitt to her Ariadne, kissing her in Fischer's inception just because it was worth a shot. I wanted be the Jeff Kohlver to her Hayley Stark, and totally surrender to her convincing argument that I should kill myself in
Hard Candy. But then, of course, she came out as a lesbian, and all of my brilliant plans were completely shattered. I’m still quite depressed about it to be honest. That said, I do have long hair, so you never know. Optimism is one of my stronger points.
8. Kyary Pamyu Pamyu
“I want to spread the word of kawaii to the rest of the world—I want to see it embraced by everybody.”
Not traditionally hot, but fuck tradition, as Japanese pop star Kyary is just the unconventional kind of fascinating which drips candy into my eyeballs and then solidifies my gaze in her direction, complete with enough costume changes and make up tricks to turn Gaga into a piece of bread. And this freaks my penis out. Still, she is adorable to the max with the right type of hyper music to seal the deal, her whole presentation seemingly edible but definitely toxic, which wouldn't even stop me. If you are going to YouTube anybody on this list, I would recommend Kyary Pamyu Pamyu as the the most exciting choice for you.
7. Carey Mulligan
“I never get recognised here in London, which I like. Once a year, someone comes up to me and asks if I am 'so-and-so's niece' because they think they recognise me from somewhere. I like that.”
There is this weird aspect about Carey, that when I look at photos of her, it doesn’t quite do it for me. She’s cute enough, sure, but her appeal won't translate into a static image properly—it simply doesn’t do her justice. The girl needs to move! Which brings me to my next question: have you seen
Drive yet? Oh my fuck! I can’t even remember that film because I was so busy pausing and rewinding it every time she came onto my screen. It wasn’t even a masturbation thing, it was a crying thing, yearning for her so hard that I broke up with my girlfriend immediately afterwards and then called in sick to work until they fired me. Which, in hindsight, was really stupid. Fuck you Carey. Fuck your perfect face, seriously.
6. Taylor Swift
“All you need to do to be my friend is like me.”
The thing about Taylor is that she is not real. If I was ever to believe in the whole Reptilians/Illuminati taking over the world thing, it would be because of Ms Swift. This is not only because she is perfect at looking, but also perfect at life, a cold clinical response to all interview questions whilst hiding any true emotions behind a smile which always seems a little too knowledgable and a haircut that never falls out of place. Furthermore, her success as a musician (winning seven Grammys, twelve Billboard Music Awards, selling over 40 million copies worldwide, standing in the top five selling digital artists ever, etc) proves that she cannot possibly be human and has had some sort of alien intervention because she’s only 25 years old and nobody like this could possibly exist. Did I mention she always hides her belly button? Why though? I already told you. Aliens.
5. Cara Delevingne
“I treat the camera like a person—I gaze into it. Photos are a flat thing, and you need to put life into them.”
I don’t actually know what to write about this girl. She’s a model, which makes sense, because her skin is blatantly made out of clouds and her features are obviously Photoshopped by Jesus himself. She apparently does some acting and some singing too, but I didn’t hear what I just said because all I can think about is partying with her. If she was like “here, do this line of cocaine off of my armpit” I’d be like “and how much would that cost me?” And if she was like “drink these 32 shots of tequila mixed with my brother's urine”, I’d be like “I love you”. If she was like “inject this heroine into your ballsack,” I’d be honoured that my genitals were in her presence. And if she was like “pour this ketamine into your eye then shove this straw down your peehole and let me blow into it,” I’d be like “no, that’s fucked up Cara, what the fuck is wrong with you.” But I would still be her mate, though.
4. Emma Stone
“I was a good-looking kid. I never felt, like, dorky. I was just like, 'Yup, these are my braces. I've had them forever.'”
Emma was one of them sneaky girls who I had come across a few times without even noticing the depth of her eyes completely eradicating my large intestine. She bounced onto my screen with
Superbad,
Zombieland,
Easy A,
Friends with Benefits, and
Crazy, Stupid, Love, yet I was oblivious, aware she was cute, granted, but unaware that there was a tumour growing inside my pancreas in the shape of her own name. However, it was during a trailer (of all things) for her Academy Award nominated performance in
Birdman where I choked on my popcorn and promptly stood up, announcing to the world that I would not be happy until I married Emma Stone. And then some dickhead behind shouted at me, informing my dreams that Emma was already fucking Spiderman and I must sit down, this is a cinema for fucks sake. So I sat down. But I was making plans.
3. Zooey Deschanel
“The Internet's like one big bathroom wall with a lot of people who anonymously can say really mean things. It's fine, I believe in freedom of speech and I think people should think what they want, but I don't care to hear it.”
I, like most, watched in horror as my radar shook and threatened to shatter when I first started watching the hilarious television series
New Girl. But even if this was the catalyst, it was not my initial introduction to the lady. I had seen
Almost Famous, I had seen
(500) Days of Summer, and I had seen the music video for Offspring’s
She’s Got Issues. However, it was the character of Jess specifically who stole my heart, her quirky clumsy doe-eyed personality seemed to exuberate bubbles of joy from her bang hairstyle, and I decided I would spend the rest of my life following her. On Twitter. I hate her music.
2. Margot Robbie
“I love flying so much. I even like airplane food. No one bothers you and your phone never goes off and you can't have emails go through. It's undisturbed.”
Despite having heaps of success with the Australian soap
Neighbours, I don’t watch that crap and ran straight into Margot’s face like a sexy brick structure during the excellent Scorsese film
The Wolf of Wall Street. It was like a professional martial artist had mugged me of all my everything, her very presence chosen for that exact reason, an excess of saliva flooding my mouth and nearly choking me to death as it did so. And then a few moments later, she was completely naked and it was one of those moments where I loathed myself because I knew that even if I got half a chance, I would blow it by saying something idiotic and then crying before I ran away to kill myself.
1. Grace Kelly
“Getting angry doesn't solve anything.”
All bow down to Grace Kelly, for she is a princess. Literally. She married Prince Rainier III in 1956, and as a result, became the Princess of Monaco. And this makes sense to me, because I know as an ordinary person that I would not be worthy of a hand so glamorous, and totally support the unity, even if her responsibilities of a political nature meant she had no time to continue her fantastic acting career (which included some of Hitchcock’s greatest works complete with Oscar nominated performances—even winning one once!). Sadly, she died of a stroke-related car accident when she was 52, more than likely because God is selfish and wanted to spend some time with her, in full knowledge he was not capable of creating anything better. Without a doubt, she is the most beautiful woman to have ever lived, and I will die alone because of it.
Conclusion
I love all girls the same, for realsies.
