Thursday, 2 December 2010

20 Hottest Girls Ever (according to me)

Much like anything else in the Juice Nothing world, this list could never be perfect. This is merely a snapshot of my current tastes, subject to change whenever I fucking want it to, and only accurately representing the right-now of how I feel based on some criteria. The main prerequisite was that the following 20 girls have been on my mind more than most, whether it be recently or ever since that dark day I hit puberty. This means that most of the research I did on the topic and most of the suggestions my friends put forward generally meant nothing. Another influence on my choices was to avoid repetition. That means that there are many other girls who fairly should be included, but were purposefully left out to avoid too many top 40 popstars or blondes with implants or any other such broad category. Finally, it would be far too predictable for me to include the deserving faces of, say, Britney Spears or Pamela Anderson or Lizzie Murphy or someone else equally as obvious, and so for that reason I have steered slightly from what would be expected as best I can. Agree or disagree with me, fuck off, this is my taste, and it tastes like this:

Marilyn Monore did not have an extra toe

20. Marilyn Monroe

"I don't want to make money, I just want to be wonderful."
Coming out swinging. This list would be irrelevant without Ms Monroe for a multitude of reasons. For starters, she is the ruler of all female entertainment icons, and any article with such a bold title would be tasteless without her inclusion. She is the biggest legend female superstar in history - fact. Further more, her style is instantly recognizable, so whilst I don't think she is the hottest lady that ever existed, I would be more celeb-shocked to meet her than any other female figure. Because, you know, she's dead. Not only that, but it's a total win that her death was so mysterious and runs rampant with conspiracy theories - every girl should be so lucky. And finally, I feel that including Marilyn knocks out the need for people like Scarlett Johansen or Charlize Theron or Naomi Watts or Gwen Stefani or other such blonde bombshells off of this list, because they don't have shit on this bitch.

Tara Reid's stomach looks like a bowl of wet paper

19. Tara Reid

"Why is partying and having a good time bad?"
There was a stage in the mid 2000s where no girl made me feel the way that Tara did. It was her face that really got me, in a way I can't accurately describe except by maybe screaming "LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT!" at my TV screen everyday. Her smile just beams sunshine, whether she is having promo shots for her portfolio done or whether she is just getting off her tits drunk in front of the tabloid cameras. Yes, her résumé is generally laughable. Yes, botch surgery has left her stomach looking like a bowl of wet paper and her ass like a fat granny's face. It's a goddamn shame. But once upon a time, she owned my day-to-day thought process, and I would still love to buy her a beer and take her home.

Kim Petras had a dick

18. Kim Petras

"I have always felt like a woman."
This is me trying to be funny and a complete dick. But ask any red blooded male to look at this girl, and they will all admit that she is hot. She is 18 years old at the time I write this, and everyone loves 18 year olds because it is acceptable, albeit barely. She creates her very own electronic dance music on a German record label, and everyone loves music chicks. But more than anything, what really keeps Kim above the rest of these entries is that her original name was Tim. That's right, she was in fact born a boy. The youngest boy in medical history to change her physical gender ever. So if you were mid-wank whilst reading this post, you are officially gay, congrats. I still totally would.

The Olsen Twins would make good threesome material

17. Olsen Twins

"We had to decide: Do we want to do Saturday Night or go to our Senior Prom? We opted for Saturday Night Live."
If there was only one Olsen in existence, there would be no way in hell she would make this list. However, in the media and the general public these girls are delivered in one big package, which makes them double as hot. In all honesty, if I could make out with one specific entry in this blog, it would them. The reasons should be fairly obvious: it would be twice as fun, a thousand times more morally wrong and inevitably a more valuable story I could sell to the media. God bless fantasy, Amen.

Liz Vicious is a gothic slut who looks nice

16. Liz Vicious

"Favorite position? Bent over a pillow or the arm of a chair from behind with a fist full of my hair."
Whilst researching for this blog and looking at countless pictures of hot girls, a weird thing kept happening to me. I'd find myself venturing deeper and deeper into images of ladies who were more willing to wear less and less clothing. Weird huh? Anyway, as unexplainable as this was, I did manage to stumble upon Liz Vicious, who prides herself as being this teenage goth chick whilst allowing men to ejaculate inside of her vagina. If there was a pornstar party, all the other pornstars would bitch about her behind her back and call her names whilst feeling sorry for themselves. I must say that unfortunately Liz does irritate me in her interviews, but luckily I generally only see her with a cock in her mouth which keeps her quiet. For these reasons I will be spending much more time with her in the future, and it was a pleasure to introduce the two of you.

Emma Bunton Baby Spice makes me think of cotton candy

15. Emma Bunton

"If you haven't got it, you've got to fake it, man."
And here's the funny thing: most boy-people I know that are my age would never agree with this one. "There are much hotter girls" they might say. But if you shoved them back into their early teens, just about the time they were becoming interested in girls, they were all frantically scouring the net on their 56K dial-up for naked pictures of their favourite spice girl, praying to God that the lesbian sex-tape rumours were true. My favourite was (shamefully) Posh Spice without a doubt, but in modern time she has repulsed me with her locust like body and lack of any talent. Baby Spice, on the other hand, was always the cutest cotton-candy member of the group. She not only managed to keep her looks looking, but also released my favourite post-spice song "Maybe" all by herself. Face it, if you don't fancy her now, you did once upon a time. A lot. Just like everyone else.

Vikki Blows, yes I'm sure she does

14. Vikki Blows

"When I'm in the shower home alone, I'm always scared someone's gonna break in and kill me."
Despite what a few of you might think, I didn't really consider anyone's suggestions when it came to this list - most of it was set in stone already. Sorry. That is, except for Vikki Blows. This glamour model was suggested to me by Oolex via Twitter with a link to one of the most beautiful Google Image searches I have ever pasted my eyes on. In short, I fell in love for the first time that day and promptly engraved her face into my memory. I will also refrain from using any puns involving her surname, but yeah, I'm sure you do Vikki. I'm sure you do well.

Lindsay Lohan snorts coke and so do I

13. Lindsay Lohan

"It`s flattering that people want to know so much about me and want to take the time to make up that many things about me."
I can already feel so many of you shaking your heads at this entry, so why don't you just stop fucking doing that right now. Lindsay represents the real party girl out there. This bitch would skip every queue at any club, start chatting to the most famous person in the room and end up out-drinking and out-snorting everyone in the venue. It's that type of self-destructive behaviour that I find so inviting, and I want in. I know she's probably cleaned up a little bit in recent days, but I love her image and her look so much that I used to make photoshop collages of her all day instead of doing my work. Fuck Paris or Tara or Britney, this is my favourite train wreck.

Natalie Portman looks hot with hair and without hair

12. Natalie Portman

"If you're an actress or a musician, everyone thinks you're hot."
There is this silly debate going on between some guys over who is hotter: Keira Knightly or Natalie Portman. I think the main basis for this dispute is that they look exactly-the-fucking-same. Regardless, Natalie Portman does it for me a lot more than Keira in many ways. Maybe it's her character's sluttitude in Closer. Maybe it's her convincing eccentricity in Garden State. Maybe it's the fact that she can pull off a shaved head. Maybe it's her explicit rap with The Lonely Island. Maybe it's all of these things, but really, it's because she is super fine to the degree of fuck. This can be proven beyond a doubt when you consider that my friends suggested her more than any other girl for this blog. So you guys like her then, huh?

Jared Woods already met Lily Allen

11. Lily Allen

"I've actually broken up with boyfriends for inspiration."
Blah blah blah, yes I'm "That Lily Allen Guy" or whatever, bane of my fucking existence. And it is because of this that I wanted to avoid putting her on this list all together. But let's face it: it would be far too obvious and too much of a statement to exclude her after everything that has happened. The fact of the matter is that she is so fucking hot, I made a website just to meet her. So what else can I really say? Well, there are a few things, such as: she is stylish and fashionable completely in her own way, makes proper good music, has a killer attitude and loves the internet. All of which add up to the reasons why I wasted so much of my spare 2010 time devoted to her, and also why I will meet her again one day. You'll see. I'm not creepy.

Alison Lohman looks younger than she is

10. Alison Lohman

"I can cry on cue to get out of a traffic ticket. That's happened at least three times."
They say when you meet the love of your life, time stops. And that's true. What they don't tell you is that once time starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up. And when I finally awoke from my first ever epileptic fit, it was night-time and Big Fish had just finished on TV. That's when I knew Alison was more than just a girl. She was a demon who devoured little boy's souls and left them with nothing more than an erection and wet patch on the bed. You wouldn't think so just by looking at her face though, right? She's gorgeous.

Yo-Landi Visser makes me want to party bru

09. Yo-Landi Visser

"I'm saving up to get latex whiskers implanted into the sides of my mouth."
I don't want to kick sand in a Ninja's face, but I would love to spend a little bit of time alone with Yo-Landi. Just to talk, you must understand, I don't think I could handle zef so fresh. Despite what all the new age Waddy/Die Antwoord fans will tell you, they are married, which was common knowledge on the streets of Cape Town a few years ago no matter what they claim now. But I don't care, I'm sorry Max, your lady has eyes instead of nipples and that's poes fancy m'bru.

Blondie Debbie Harry is old, but I still would

08. Debbie Harry

"I don't mind if my skull ends up on a shelf as long as it's got my name on it."
Of all these entries, I would put money on the fact that Blondie is the most talented. Given, there are many greater female artists (depending on who you talk to) who have achieved much more, but how many are as good looking as Deborah? None? That's what I thought. I've even written a blog about the fact that her band are the only artists in history to have had a number 1 single in the 70's, 80's and 90's. She was also once a Playboy bunny. You know anyone else like this? No? That's what I thought. She's super old now, sure, but I still would. She deserves the experience.

Gauge can take it up the ass whilst doing a handstand

07. Gauge

"Do you want me to swallow it?"
Me and Gauge go way back. We have spent many late nights together, usually her with a cock in every single one of her holes, whilst my cock is just in my hand. The thing is, I love her, and I am not jealous when I watch her get fucked up her ass whilst she does a handstand. I would still do borderline illegal things to her without wearing a condom, because that is how much I care for her. In fact, I am pretty sure I have had more wanks over this girl than any other girl in the world. Not to mention that she was the first girl I saw get facefucked until she puked - and you just don't forget those types of things. In summary: she is very special to me and she always will be. Unfortunately, pictures don't really do her justice, you're going to have take my word and YouPorn it for full effect.

Emma Watson is a mudblood but I don't care

06. Emma Watson

"I get sent Bibles. I have a collection of about 20 in my room. People think I need to be guided."
I liked Emma Watson before I was legally allowed to tell people that I liked Emma Watson. Now that time has passed, I can thankfully say that I'd touch the shit out of her in front of anyone. Unfortunately I am pretty sure that she will always be "that girl from Harry Potter", but just by watching a few interviews it is amazing how well she has dealt with the fame shoved into her face. Not to mention that the whole posh British vibe she portrays reminds me of money, and I love money. Surprisingly, the mudblood thing doesn't bother me at all, I never really discriminate against people with differences. My dad raised me right.

Anna Faris makes an ass of herself on a regular basis

05. Anna Faris

"You can't help being turned off a little at the thought of being plastered to the ceiling by your boyfriend's man-juice."
And while all the other girlies are wearing their designer clothes and showing only their best sides to the camera, we have Anna Fairs walking into walls and getting slammed into the roof with semen. If you've seen the Scary Movies, you'll remember her as the main character who has never made unsexy look so sexy, which is kind of her forté. Basically, if you desperately want me to love you, take the piss out of yourself and I will piss myself with adoration. But for those not into that kind of thing, you can still Google Image her and you will find yourself doing more than just pissing, believe me. She's all that and a bag of expensive crisps, I've said so for many many years now, ask anyone.

Hannah Murray Cassie is a confused little girl

04. Hannah Murray

"I didn't eat for three days so I could be lovely."
This is one of those rare(ish) examples where I am not actually that fond of the girl herself, mainly because I know nothing about her at all. But her position is justified purely because I am genuinely in love with the character she portrays in the series Skins - namely Cassie Ainsworth. You see, self destruction is very sexy to me, and when coupled with her anorexia, low-self esteem, suicidal tendencies, drug addiction and sex addiction - as well as being spacey and good natured at heart - I grieve over the fact that this girl doesn't actually exist. Believe me, I have travelled the world over checking into rehabs and clinics to find someone similar. And while I found many messed up chicks, none of them were on this level, so I was forced to abandon each one of them whilst they were sleeping to continue my search. It's fine. They'll get over it.

Patti Boyd knows what royal cock feels like

03. Pattie Boyd

"They were furious because I`d bagged a Beatle! It was so frightening."
George Harrison was without a doubt the most underrated member of The Beatles (more than Ringo Starr because Ringo actually wasn't that talented). But one thing none of the other Fab Four could take credit for was catching the hottest of all The Beatles girls. But wait, not only did Pattie feel the legendary cock of Harrison inside of her, but she eventually left George for one Eric Clapton. This kind of legendary groupie behaviour can only result in one thing: some of the greatest love songs ever written, namely: Something by Harrison and Layla by Clapton. I totally get this. I would write her a million songs. Unfortunately, as time does, she is super old now, but has aged gracefully without dabbling into surgery. I'd still do it just to say I have really.

Crystal Castles Alice Glass causes trouble

02. Alice Glass

"My make-up routine involves putting a bunch of black stuff on my eyes."
Alice is like the cutest little boy I have ever seen. Jokes! She's a girl! She has boobs, look! But truth be told, girls who looks like pubescent girls are so hot right now, I think. More than that, she has so much attitude in her tiny body that inviting her into your home would just cause a lot of trouble for everyone involved. She ran away from home to live in a squat when she was just 14 with no money or direction, a total wreckhead, who is now credited as one of the pioneers of modern day synthpunk. Did I tell you that I touched her ass and she poured Jack Daniels into my mouth? Yeah, she did.

Mila Kunis is the cure for heartbreak

01. Mila Kunis

"I am stubborn, and I admit it, so it`s OK."
This is it: the reason I wrote this blog in the first place. All the other girls were merely pedestals stacked on top of each other to raise Mila as high up as I could. And now that we're up here, I can't help but hit a mental block. I just don't have the words to properly describe something this perfect. I guess more than anything, she is actually very sweet, quite different from her Jackie character in That 70's Show. Just watch a few interviews and you will be shocked to realise that she is not only the type of girl you would sleep with, but also the type of girl you would want to talk to afterwards. I'd even fuck Meg Griffin because of her. And if you've seen Getting Over Sarah Marshall, the message should be clear: Mila Kunis is the only known cure for heartbreak. Fact. So obvious now that you know, right? Congratulations Mila, a completely unknown mid-20's blogger just recognized your ultimateness, you're so lucky.

Honourable Mentions
These were the 40 girls that either nearly made the list or were suggested to me by other people.
Adrianna Lima
Agyness Deyn
Aishwarya Rai
Alessandra Ambrosio
Alicia Silverstone
Angelina Jolie
Brigitte Bardot
Brody Dalle
Carlo Gugino
Charlize Theron
Cheryl Cole
Christina Ricci
Cindy Crawford
Dita Von Teese
Edie Sedgwick
Esther Baxter
Eva Spence
Gwen Stefani
Kate Beckinsale
Kate Hudson
Kate Moss
Kristin Kreuk
Lucy Liu
Lily Cole
Megan Fox
Mena Savari
Milla Jovovich
Monica Bellucci
Naomi Watts
Natalia Vodianova
Pilar Rubio
Rachel McAdams
Sarah Michelle Gellar
Scarlett Johansen
Shirley Manson
Sofia Vergara
Stevie Nicks
Zooey Deschanel

I will admit, this entire blog is a lie. The hottest girls ever are, in all honesty, girls I know in real life. Maybe one day I'll make a Top 20 Hottest Facebook Friends or something, although that sounds like much more trouble than it's worth. However, it is a common fact that personality is what really matters when it comes to real attraction, and also, lol. This was by far my dumbest blog ever.

Read This Next Maybe

20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II)
20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II)


  1. jung ja boong bah bah! you know what i mean?