20 White Artists Who Have Said "Nigger" In A Song

Quick History Lesson
Ah yes, the n-word. No other unit of expression fascinates me on quite the same level as this one. The main reason is exactly what you'd think it would be: the racial segregation of it all. Black people can say it. White people cannot. But is it ok for us to write it in “inverted commas”? Am I even allowed to write this article? Nobody knows, which is why over the last few years, the word has crawled toward the front of my psyche, encouraging me to take note of it wherever I went - albeit very cautiously, saying it only when I’m alone in my room, rapping along with Jay-Z.

The word itself begins (like so many words), with the Latin “niger”, which simply means “black”. Since then, plenty of variations and alternate spellings have sprung up, but the most notable of them was the Spanish “negro” (which is still used today somewhat), and the American “negar” which was used to describe the African slaves (which is where all this mess started). However, it wasn’t considered all that derogatory back in the day, as it literally meant “black skin” and that isn’t exactly racist, but more of an observation. In fact Indians, Mexicans, and Anglos were all considered “niggurs” at a point too.

But as we all know, by the 1900’s, things had changed. The word turned bad and was considered offensive, being replaced by “coloured” in 1909. In the late 1960’s, “coloured” was considered offensive, being replaced by the word “black”. And then in the 1990’s, “black” was considered offensive, being replaced by the more blanket term “African-American”. All the while, confused whites were just saying “Yes, yes, whatever you want! We’re sorry! We’re sorry!!”

However, it was a bit before then (around the mid-80’s), that the non-standard “nigga” (or “niggah”) became a common phrase within the black community. It was originally coined by comedians, and then quickly leaked into (most notably) the musical genre of hip-hop, which used the word as a term of endearment towards each other. NWA started it, mommy, and then everyone else was fast to follow. This practice has continued right up until modern times, where it has become next to impossible to avoid the once racist slur, casually being uttered by almost every black artist in the game, no matter how hard you try to escape it.

And there is only one rule: White People Cannot Say It. That would be offensive and you might get shot. Some whities have called this “reverse racism”, but me (as a white guy), I say, hey, for decades back there our past generations did kinda rape the black culture as well as their land, all the while selling them off like cattle to the highest bidder. So I think granting them one little word is the very fucking least we could do.

That said, some white artists have said the word, and that’s what this article is about. Here, we find examples of white rappers just trying to fit in with their black homies. We find examples of poets, who have use the word with a different (albeit still very forceful) definition. And then we find examples of artists who were just plain dirty racists. But whatever the reasons, we will be pin-pointing in detail who these guys were, the context in which the word was used, the general public reaction to their behaviour, and how we should be feeling about the whole thing (in case you can’t work it out for yourself).

But please note: I have tried my best to be as politically correct as possible in face of a decidedly very politically incorrect subject. I am hoping people take this for what it is: not an attempt to offend anyone, but rather as an educational piece about a topic which is very real, yet generally unspoken about. So whether you are white, black, brown, grey, yellow, red, green, midnight blue, light beige, deep cyan or khaki gold (like me), let’s all come together and unite over one thing: the love for my blog. Tell everyone about me, they’ll love it.

20. V-Nasty

“I think yo bitch like me, the nigga wanna fight me. Yeah I got that chopper red beam on his head though. Nigga talkin’ shit but I push his shit back though.” - Cooking (among others)

If you don’t know who V-Nasty is, don’t worry too much about it, she’s not all that famous. However, there is a good chance you’ve heard her name before. Do you know of Kreayshawn? The girl that sings “Gucci Gucci, Gucci Gucci, Guccigucciguccigucci” or however that song goes? It’s kinda popular, having racked up over 40 million views on YouTube, so maybe you were one of those people. Anyway, on that song we hear the line “I'm yelling ‘Free V-Nasty’ 'til my throat is raspy”, which is about this very V-Nasty herself, as both these chicks are members of the hip-hop group White Girl Mob.

However, V (can I call her V?) has received quite a substantial amount of negative attention thrust on top of her because of this article’s very topic. She has been known to frequently drop n-bombs all over her rhymes, and then claims “if I can’t say the n-word, then nobody should say it”, all sense of entitlement and shit. She also assured everyone that the white people of her hood use the word all the time, and as a result, anyone opposing her is a “fucking hater”. Of course.

Response to this has been mixed: Talib Kweli called it “disappointing”; Yelawolf said V-Nasty could find herself getting slapped up, and maybe by a white dude; Fat Joe defended that hip hop is supposed to be for everyone, and if those artists can “say nigger all day” without being racist, then she could do the same; all the while most people just asked “who’s V-Nasty?”

The controversy got so out of control, that Kreayshawn had to distance herself from her friend, openly stating that she herself would never use the word, and hoped that people could tell the difference between the two of them. Eventually all of this pressure got to V-Nasty, and she has recently stated that she will stop using the word in future songs.

19. Matt Johnson (The The)

“And while the niggers of this world are starving with their mouths wide open, what is it that turns the coins we throw at them into worthless little tokens?” - Violence of Truth

With only one constant member (Matt Johnson, duh) and an array of formers, The The probably had their most interesting incarnation around 1989. This was due, in part, to collaborations with Sinead O’Connor; in part to ex-Smiths guitarist Johnny Marr becoming a full-time member; and in part to the album Mind Bomb, which explored some new topics for the man, including religion, romance, politics, and, of course, race.

It is on this release that we find the song in question, but you may also be surprised to find it hardly caused any trouble at all. This is most likely owed to the overall context of the album, as it was delivered like some hard-hitting truth or something, which meant Matt never really had to answer for it. However, I did find one interesting interview with the dude in Melody Maker, which stated the following:

“on 'Violence of Truth,' I'm saying that God is evil. God is everything. I'm asking what it is that makes us ashamed to be white when we close our eyes to the sound of machine gun fire. Why the niggers of the world are starving with their mouths wide open? Why is it that anything on this earth that we don't understand pushes us to our knees to worship or to damn. These are the rules of religion. These are the rules of the land. That's how the forces of darkness will suppress the spirit of man.”

I don’t know about you guys, but I reckon Matt definitely got the wrong end of the stick on how use that word, even if he had the best intentions. I mean, the dude just referred to the collective black race as “niggers” in casual conversation right there, pretty sure that’s not cool. It’s no wonder then that Stylus Magazine said “Heavy-handed ‘The Violence of Truth’ threatens to cross over the taste barrier before leaping it in one bound with a clumsy, crass, and unnecessary lyric about ‘The niggers of the world.’ It might have been a comment on the impotent rock star patronage of African famine and the various economic and military catastrophes unfurling across that continent at the time, but in practice it stands out like a sore thumb amidst the non-more-white-and-affluent feel of the album as a whole. In the Britain of 2006 it feels awkward—seventeen years ago it was either incredibly brave or incredibly stupid, and the odds are on the latter.” Yeah, that.

18. David Allan Coe

“It's enough to make a man throw up, sure is hard to figure how any decent girl could ever fuck a greasy nigger” - Nigger Fucker (among others)

Despite first uttering the naughty word on one of his biggest albums Rides Again (“Tryin' like the devil to find the Lord. Workin' like a nigger for my room and board. Coal-burnin' stove, no natural gas. If that ain't Country, I'll kiss your ass” - If That Ain’t Country, 1977), it was the song Nigger Fucker off his highly criticized 1978 Underground Album which really got the attention he was blatantly so desperate for. As an independent release, David intentionally put together something which he thought was a more humourous offering, by using all the profanity and sexually charged lyrics he could muster. This included the aforementioned slur, which resulted in much accusation of racism (er, you think?), so much so that even renowned author Neil Strauss labelled the material as "among the most racist, misogynist, homophobic and obscene songs recorded by a popular songwriter."

Allan Coe has defended his use of the word, by stating "anyone that hears this album and says I'm a racist is full of shit", and how could anyone argue with that logic? Although it does have to be said that in Coe's band at the time was African-American drummer Kerry Brown, so that makes it ok, surely.

17. Dexter Holland (The Offspring)

“Beat all the niggers. Beat whoever you see. Don't need a reason, we're L.A.P.D.” - L.A.P.D.

Even though I’m definitely not their biggest fan, there is no denying that The Offspring are one the most popular pop-punk bands in recent decades. Their album Smash was a really big, uhm, smash, and they continued to churn out many hits and misses since that time, eventually going on to sell over 40 million records worldwide. But it was their earlier more traditional punk rock material which this entry focuses on, more specifically, the 1992 album Ignition which featured the above mentioned song, L.A.P.D.

Of course, in context, it’s easy to see why nobody complained. The attack was not directed at any minority, but rather, the police force and their own racist tendencies. This is all backed up by the rest of the lyrics, which go on about general cop brutality in Los Angeles, as well as how flawed a legal system is where officers can get away with whatever they want. Said track also includes the line “Beat all the white trash. Beat whoever you see...” which is great, because at least they cover both race-bases there.

And while comments about racism itself from the mouth of Dexter are hard to find, it has been suggested that The Offspring's 1993 hit Come Out And Play did tackle the subject more directly, especially with the lines “If one guy's colors and the other's don't mix, they're gonna bash it up, bash it up, bash it up, bash it up, hey!” as well as what one can only assume is the sarcastic “You gotta keep 'em separated” alluding to segregation. But all of this is just speculation, and at the end of the day, what really matters is that Dexter sported dreads for a long portion of his career, and no white man with dreads could ever be racist. It’s impossible.

16. Sierra and Bianca Casady (CocoRosie)

“Jesus loves me, but not my wife. Not my nigger friends or their nigger lives” - Jesus Loves Me

One of the more eccentric entries on this list, these American sisters are often recognized as forerunners of the Freak Folk genre, in all their unique stylings and confident weirdness. But even as they try to hide under their blanket of quirky protection, they have not yet managed to fully escape some hefty doses of internet hatred. Hatred which isn’t exclusively a result of their hard-to-swallow music either, but also surrounding some very serious race issues.

One reporter wrote a particularly interesting article about how member Bianca Casady has been known to attend Kill Whitey hip-hop parties. These are organised explicitly for wealthy white hipster peeps, where they are encouraged to mock the dance moves, speaking styles, and general attitudes of black people - the more outrageous the better. The idea behind this, is to provide secure conditions for so-called “white hip hop fans” to enjoy the underground dirty vibe of rap, without being afraid of “blacks”. In fact, Bianca was quoted saying that she found regular hip-hop events to be “really hardcore” and that Kill Whitey parties were “a safe environment to be freaky.” Now, I’m not saying any of this means absolutely anything, but it has been reported a number of times since, which does help to fuel accusations.

I digress. The main focus of this article has to do with the above lyrics, which were released on their 2004 album La maison de mon rêve (translated to The House Of My Dream). In an interview with Splendid Magazine, the girls spoke up about the issue, stating the following:

“It's not usually discussed or confronted with us, or at least a lot less in Europe. In the States, we've had very few, but some occasions, where people have gotten confused by the message, and wonder if we were being offensive, and maybe if we were ourselves racist, which was really shocking (...) I don't know if you recognize it, but it's a children's song, and it's really popular. I don't know if it's really popular in Canada as well. Anyway, kids learn it really early, and it's really stripping down Christianity to its most basic, to a child's perspective. There's such a large population of African-Americans for whom Christianity is a huge thing, but Christianity still remains to be exclusive, and is very segregated, and it's very intricately connected to an old-fashioned mentality that's still very racist. To me, it's a huge contradiction with Christ's message.”

But despite this, and despite the fact that this album was only meant to be heard by their friends (the label Touch & Go pushed for the release of it), and despite the fact that the girls wear fake moustaches, certain venues have refused to allow CocoRosie to play the song during concerts, which is understandable, I reckon.

15. Necro

“That's the second time a nigga tried to kill me, I'm starting to feel important.” - Underground (among others)

Ron Braunstein (aka Necro)'s first musical interests began in the wonderful world of thrash metal, which meant that, by the time he had ventured into hip-hop, he had already been well tainted by the touch of Satan. So much so, that he is known as the pioneer of “Death Rap”, an ultraviolent form of hip-hop where no subject matter is out of bounds. Hence why we can hear the dude sing about violence, drugs, rape, The Occult, Charles Manson, prostitution, human trafficking, cannibalism, urine, and the movie Scarface. Not only this, but his antisocial antics extend beyond his songs, as there are a few examples of riots breaking out at his gigs, as well as this one time when he got fined $3000 for fracturing a man’s cheekbone just before a show. Oh, not to mention that his song “Garbage Bag” (as well as a few others) were cited as key influences to Michael Thomas Rafferty (28 years old) and Terri-Lynne McClintic (18 years old), who listened to Necro moments before kidnapping, sexually assaulting, and then smashing the ribs out of 8 year old Victoria Stafford, until she died. So, really, for the rapper to say the n-word isn’t all that surprising.

With that in mind, people have still confronted Necro about his casual and frequent use of the word, to which he has responded that (being a Jew) the first ghettos in history were Jewish, and somehow that was relevant in his mind, and made it all ok. He also claimed we should rather be blaming the black rappers for selling their music to white kids, because that's what “brainwashed” him into saying the word in the first place. He then concluded that he never meant it in any disrespectful way, but rather as a term of affection, and where he grew up it was common language. However, he is using the word less and less these days, and is apparently trying to avoid it. That’s nice, thanks Necro.

14. Jello Biafra (Dead Kennedys)

“Play ethnicky jazz to parade your snazz, on your five grand stereo. Braggin that you know how the niggers feel cold and the slums got so much soul.” - Holiday in Cambodia

As one of the first American hardcore bands to make an impact in the UK, The Dead Kennedys were known for their fast riffs and harsh lyrics, which were never too far away from some twisted sense of humour. Because of this, they were always in trouble, most notably during an obscenity trial over their 1985 album Frankenchrist, because they used HR Giger's piece Landscape #XX as the front cover (click here to see it, probably NSFW). Luckily, they won the case, but this ordeal nearly left them bankrupt.

However (and more on topic), it was their second single released in 1980 (by the name of Holiday In Cambodia) which we will be focusing on here. It contained the n-word, but surprisingly, did not really result in the backlash one would assume. This is most likely because (in context) it worked as satire, comparing the contrasting lifestyles of self-righteous Americans to those of the Pol Pot regime in Cambodia. This impression was further cemented by the single's artwork, which depicted a member of a right-wing crowd beating a student protester’s corpse with a chair during the 1976 October Thailand massacre.

But despite this not being their only use of the word (the 1981 remake of their first single California Über Alles, retitled as We've Got a Bigger Problem Now, contained the lyrics “Ku Klux Klan will control you, still you think it's natural. Nigger knockin' for the master race, still you wear the happy face”), Holiday in Cambodia was definitely their most popular, so much so that it has been covered by Earth Crisis, Boysetsfire, Richard Cheese, and Foo Fighters (featuring System of a Down’s Serj Tankian on vocals) to name a few. Not to mention that it was also featured on the TV show Neighbours, as well as the video game Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock. Hell, even Levi’s tried to use the song in a commercial, which resulted in a lawsuit between former Kennedys members (Jello being the one fighting furiously against it). But in most (or even all) these cases, the offending word was changed to the much more PC term “brothers”, and even Jello himself no longer uses the original word in his performances, opting to replace it with “blacks” instead.

But was Jello a racist? The answer is, of course, hell no. For starters, Dead Kennedys second drummer D.H. Peligro was of an African descent. Furthermore, when Dead Kennedys became popular within the neo-Nazi punk movement and attracted the skinheads to their concerts, they promptly wrote a song called Nazi Punks Fuck Off, which I think gets the message across loud and clear.

13. Jimmy Urine (Mindless Self Indulgence)

“This one goes out to my whores, niggers and negros, fucking with my style, fucking with my flow” - Dickface (among many many others)

Using a mix of of punk, alternative, electronica, techno, industrial and hip-hop to deliver their message, it should come as no surprise that this band’s lyrics are driven by the same no-holds-barred and in-your-face energy that their music is. And while they haven’t exactly broken into mainstream consciousness just yet, they have supported some big names who have, such as Linkin Park, System of a Down, Korn and Rammstein - to name a few. They owe this, in part, to their unapologetic shock value, which includes (but is not limited to) overtly sexual lyrics (which often dance on the line between homosexuality and homophobia, freely saying the "faggot" word like it ain't no thang), as well as, of course, frequent use of the dreaded n-word.

In fact, it’s hard to listen to any MSI album without coming across the term in question, as they utter the slur in so many songs that it became difficult for me to pick just one. We have earlier examples on their 1999 album Tight (“No, this is mine, nigger, this is mine!” - Tornado/“Lemme give you the reason to fuck me up, nigga” - Daddy) right up until their 2008 album You’ll Rebel To Anything (“Nigga, for all the stolen goods, as I rock that niggas and get freaky-deaky” - Two Hookers And An 8-Ball”) and everything in between (“Down to defy nigga's, and my double wide nigga's” - Wack on 2003's Despierta Los Niños EP). Because of this, the accusations have flowed in the plenty, but Jimmy Urine has been quick to stand up for himself. My vote for his best defence comes in the form a Method Man cover, named Bring The Pain, which not only boasts the line “And all you niggaz come and test me, I'm gonna lick out your brains” but also features at least 12 other mentions of the word within its contents. Usually in concert, this song's performance is introduced by Jimmy with some variation of the following quote:

“Because of this next song people think that I am a racist. Which is true, because I fucking hate white people. In London or anywhere, always online. But, I didn’t write this next fucking song - no! Another man wrote it. A pretty man. A strong man. A Method Man, if you will. And he wrote it so well, that who am I to change any fucking lyric in it? As I am a purist. So, if you have a problem with the word “nigger’, please get on your telephones and call Method Man at his agency at 212 864 3219, and when his agent and/or secretary therein picks up, I want you all to say: 'I came to bring the pain'.”

To me, this is a great justification, which stands as evidence that Mindless Self Indulgence are really just a hip-hop satire outfit, and as big fans of the genre, are simply using the word at lyrical value rather than some derogatory term. That said, the word is strangely absent from their 2008 album “If”, which could mean the opposition eventually got to them.

That said, with lyrics like “Five year old mother-fucking pantyshot, can't complain. I didn't even touch her so I can't be blamed. 5 year old pantyshot in my brain. My life has meaning when she spreads her legs” from their early demo song Pantyshot, it’s surprising that the n-word got any attention at all.

12. Elvis Costello

“Only takes one itchy trigger. One more widow. One less white nigger” - Oliver’s Army

Costello is a true legend in every sense of the word (having won a Grammy; being twice nominated for the Brit Awards’ Best British Male; and being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame), which is why I was quite surprised to discover the man has received a fair share of racist allegations during his career. The biggest one occurred during a drunken argument one night in an Ohio Holiday Inn bar, where the singer referred to James Brown as a “jive-ass nigger”, and then went on to call Ray Charles a “blind, ignorant, nigger”. As to be expected, he apologised profusely after the incident, claiming it was his intention to be as offensive and as obnoxious as possible in hopes of bringing a conversation to an end, and that "drunken talk isn't meant to be printed in the paper”. But the damage was done, and he spent many years following trying to live it all down.

That said (and as far as song lyrics go) his usage of the n-word in the above example was spoken in a far tamer context, and as a result, was somewhat overlooked. This is because the track itself was presented as social commentary, written about a trip Elvis had made to Belfast in 1978. It was there that he witnessed young children bearing automatic weapons, which had become such a common image in the country, that it no longer even made the news. Exposure to these conditions affected Costello so much, that it inspired him to write this piece, which was all very serious and sad. Because of the subject matter, the radio was more than happy to play the song with the n-word intact (most likely because the term “white nigger” seems much less offensive, don't you agree?) and as a result, this was Elvis Costello and The Attractions most successful single ever, spending four weeks at #2 in the UK charts, and going on to be covered by Belle & Sebastian, Blur, and OK Go - to name a few. However, sometimes those artists opted to carefully leave out the naughty word, because they were scared.

11. GG Allin

“No room for nigger. No room for you in my world.” - No Room For Nigger (among others)

If this artist’s use of the n-word in such a blatantly racist fashion offends you, then allow me to educate you as to why this is absolutely nothing on his CV of filth.

Born Jesus Christ Allin, GG was a heroin addict. He used to perform naked, and took laxatives before he did so, ensuring that he'd shit all over the stage, usually deciding it'd be a good idea to roll around in the feces and then throw it at the crowd, like a monkey. He wouldn’t even wash himself before the after-parties. He'd get into fist fights every show, with either men or women, he didn't care, and this is often why people turned up to to watch him in the first place. The majority of his gigs got shut down by the cops before they were finished, and he even once went to jail for the rape and torture of a prostitute, to which he confessed to cutting, burning, and drinking her blood - but promised it was consensual.

His entire career, he threatened to blow himself up on stage, taking all his fans with him. Unfortunately/fortunately (depending on whose side you’re on) he never got the chance, as he ended up like so many do: dying of an accidental heroin overdose. At his open casket funeral (still smothered with his own poo with a bottle of Jim Beam tucked into his hand), fans were encouraged to place drugs or alcohol in his dead mouth, and some even performed felatio on the corpse.

Getting the picture yet? So needless to say, his songs weren’t all that politically correct either, covering every dark image a man could possibly comprehend, including (but not limited to) paedophilia, blasphemy and homophobia - despite the fact that he openly admitted to sleeping with men (including his brother) so there is some weird twisted defence in there somewhere. Not to mention his song titles, which were the poisonous cherry on top of a rancid cake, with such great examples as: “I Kill Everything I Fuck”; “I’m Gonna Rape You”; “I Wanna Piss On You”; “I Want To Fuck The Shit Out Of You”; “Kill Thy Father, Rape Thy Mother”; ”Legalize Murder”; “My Sadistic Killing Spree”; “Needle Up My Cock”; “Scabs On My Dick”; “Suck Dog”; and “Expose Yourself To Kids”. In fact, that last title has got to be one of the foulest songs ever written, featuring the line “Suck a little hairless crack. Hold 'em down, they can’t fight back. Watch 'em scream and cry with fear. Fucking cunt, don’t tell nobody, dear” and other such misbehaviour.

Take all that into consideration, and the whole n-word thing doesn't actually sound that bad in comparison, even though he did say it multiple times (“The KKK took the niggers out to die. When the blackie's burning, I hope he's gonna die.” - Die When You Die; “Hey bad niggers with your hand in the pot” - I’ll Slice Your Fucking Throat; “in Chicago, niggers tried to kill me, but you didn't pull through” - I’m A Gyspy Motherfucker; “I want to kill my brother. Kill my ex-wife. I want to kill the president. Kill the niggers too” - I Wanna Kill You, etc etc). Which is why nobody held their breath whilst waiting for an apology or even an explanation from the man about racism or anything else, because if you had to challenge him about such things, he would have punched you in the face with a bloody fist full of semen and shit. And then you would know there was only ever one true God of punk rock. GG Allin. Amen.

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10. Ninja (Die Antwoord)

“Yo, DJ Hi-Tek. Where you at, my nigga?” - DJ Hi-Tek Rulez (also used as the outro for Fok Julle Naaiers)

When the 2012 sophomore album from this zef-side South African rap-rave crew dropped, it caused some serious Ten$ion (heh) with Interscope Records. Reasons given were many, but evidence suggested that it was some of their lyrical content which had caused the label to squirm. In particular, the outro for the very dark Fok Julle Naaiers single featured some highly questionable sentences, which (besides the above example) included: “DJ Hi-Tek will fuck you in the ass, you punk ass white boy”; “You can’t touch me faggot, you’re not man enough”; “DJ Hi-Tek will eat your asshole, I’ll fuck you in front of everybody you bitch”; and “I’ll fuck you 'til you love me, faggot” - all of which were almost direct word-for-word quotations from Mike Tyson, spoken during his Lennox Lewis fight press conference. But despite this fact, the two parties could not come to an agreement, and Die Antwoord left the company.

Of course, and as most of us know, Die Antwoord are anything but racist, having embraced their South African heritage and collaborated with many different races from the rainbow nation over the years. However, the word “faggot” specifically seemed to cause much more commotion, to the point that Ninja released the following statement to explain himself:

“I’d like to set the record straight here once and for all. (1) DJ-Hi-Tek is gay, so there you go. Now you all know. (2) DJ-Hi-Tek says the word “faggot” doesn’t hold any power over him. Hi-Tek says “faggot” all the time, cos he’s kind of, like, taken that word and made it his bitch. (3) Just to be fucking clear, Die Antwoord are not homophobic. Some of my tightest homies are gay, like for instance, DJ-Hi-Tek, who happens to be one of my best friends in the whole foking universe. And finally, (4) It comes across to us that some people from America are heavy sensitive about the use of certain words. But the thing is, what you need to understand is: we’re not from America. We’re from South Africa. And in South Africa people aren’t so pumped up about these words. Like, for instance, in South Africa, a white guy will say to a black guy ‘yo, wassup, my nigger?’ and the black guy will be like ‘eei, what’s up my nigger?’ and no one freaks out or anything. That’s why they say South Africa is a rainbow nation, 'cos you get different people of different colours and different sexual styles, or whatever, all coming together as one.”

Now, as a South African, I don’t really suggest walking up to a black guy and saying “wassup my nigger?” because I haven’t seen that working all too well in my experience. However, I do think Ninja has a point, and with that little speech, cleared up the air a bit, preventing any further racial trouble from anyone else.

But what surprised me more than anything else, was the most intense racial slur this duo have ever uttered which slid cleanly under the radar. On the first track of Ten$ion titled Never Le Nkemise (translated from zulu/afrikaans to “You Can't Stop Me”) we hear Ninja say “die wit [the white] kaffir”. Kaffir itself is, in South African lingo, much much more derogatory than the word “nigger”, used to label black people as “non-believers” during the heavy apartheid era, resulting in much violence and even murders during our past troubles. In fact, the legal act No. 4 of 2000 (Promotion of Equality and Prevention of Unfair Discrimination Act) actually prohibits said word, even if not explicitly stated. I mean, as I mentioned, I’m not too sure you could say “wassup my nigger?” to black guy in South Africa and get away with it, but if you tried to say “wassup my kaffir?”, you would most definitely get a hiding.

9. Frank Zappa

“A foolish young man of the negro persuasion devoted his life to become a Caucasian. He stopped eating pork, he stopped eating greens, he traded his dashiki for some Jordache Jeans. He learned to play golf and he got a good score, now he says to himself, ‘I ain't no nigger no more’” - You Are What You Is

As a Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame inductee and a Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award winner, Frank Zappa’s styles knew no bounds and were difficult to categorize, as he effortlessly slid between humorous parody rock ‘n’ roll; full-on experimental doo-wop; eclectic jazz; and even some traditional classical compositions. But despite his cult following and critical acclaim, his vibe was far too weird to ever fully break into the mainstream, and still to this day almost everyone knows his name, yet hardly any of them can name a song. So when you couple this with his daunting 62 album catalogue, you can understand why he never really got into any trouble over the quick n-word slip in his 1981 song You Are What You Is (from the album of the same name). Because nobody even noticed.

The song’s subject matter was touchy at best, telling the listener to embrace their culture (which is good advice) by using the examples of two young men. The first, a middle class white dude who lives a decent life, but pretends to have come from years of hardship in order to play the blues and be accepted as more “black”. The second is the man featured in the above quote, being the black counter-opposite, changing his diet and denying his culture to be accepted as more “white”. Which may be a little insensitive to some, sure, but a common story nonetheless.

And Zappa wasn’t a racist. Evidence includes: how much of his music was inspired by black artists (with particular interest in early R&B and doo-wop); how he was friends and performed with so many black artists (some of whom were actually involved with the recording of this song - point proven when you watch this live version of the track, where Ray White and Frank Zappa share vocal duties, which stands as a great black & white harmony on a song about blacks who want to be whites, and whites who want to be blacks - it’s kinda beautiful, in that way); and finally, how he had taken the piss out of so many diverse subjects that any religion, music style, or race was fair game, never meant as anything but harmless satire.

And I guess when the all-black a cappella group The Persuasions covered this song themselves in 2000, it made it extra-ok.

8. Bob Dylan

“And to the black folks he was just a crazy nigger, no one doubted that he pulled the trigger. And though they could not produce the gun, the DA said he was the one who did the deed. And the all-white jury agreed.” - Hurricane

Out of every song on this list, no other example was more justified in context, and yet very few caused quite as much controversy.

As with any good Dylan composition, this 1976 Desire track begins with an interesting backstory. It revolves around professional boxer Rubin “Hurricane” Carter, who was accused and found guilty of a triple homicide - despite the appalling lack of evidence. The conviction was (and still has been) considered to be racially motivated, and despite Carter always professing his innocence while others doubted the fairness of the trial, he was sentenced to a double life term in prison.

The story hit Dylan hard, who visited Rubin on occasion, and eventually decided to write a song about the man. It was one of Dylan’s very few protest songs, and despite his difficulty in writing it, proved to be his fourth most successful single of the decade, reaching #33 on the Billboard chart and #43 in the UK.

And, naturally, controversy followed, snapping at the ankles of the song before it was even released. Columbia Records put their foot down about certain lyrics, which told the story by using some less-than-proven facts whilst mentioning people by name, forcing Dylan to rewrite the entire thing at least once. But even with the revised lyrics, people were quick to point out holes in the song, for example: Carter was never the “number one contender”, nor was there any mention of the boxer’s well documented criminal history and short temper, rendering the whole effort to be read as one heavily biased piece of work.

It didn’t matter - the song did exactly what it was meant to do, shoving the story into a much higher consciousness, and causing an uproar from dirty hippies who didn’t do their research, all over the world. And more than anything, the story was forever immortalized by Bob Fucking Dylan, which is pretty great if you ask me, and eventually lead to the 1999 film The Hurricane (starring Denzel Washington) which too has come under fire for misguided information. However, Carter was ultimately released early after 22 years incarceration, as a result of some heavy reconsideration, which could have had something to do with this very track.

But was Bob Dylan a racist? What, really? After all that? No, he wasn’t. He has written many many songs about racial injustice if you are willing to look for them, so don’t be stupid.

7. Marilyn Manson

“Everybody's someone else's nigger. I know you are, so am I” - Irresponsible Hate Anthem (among others)

Of course, a list of this nature would not be complete without the modern day shock-rock-God-of-Fuck himself, Brian Warner. In a career that has been fueled by controversy surrounding religious hatred and violent anthems (going on to sell 50 million records worldwide, I might add), it should come as no surprise that the n-word has cropped up now and again.

But while we have “Why are all the niggers in the unemployment line?” from 1994’s White Trash (an acoustic remake of Cake And Sodomy on the Smells Like Children EP, performed by Tony Wiggums, which got so heavily edited that an uncensored version is next to impossible to find); as well as “I fuck you because you are my nigger” from Para-Noir (sung by Pat and Lily on 2003’s The Golden Age Of Grotesque, the former being the name of his cat, and most likely, is his cat); I chose the specific headline quote because the word comes directly from Manson’s mouth alone.

You can find the song on 1996’s classic Antichrist Superstar, an album which caused one of the biggest upsets in recent decades, and yet not because of that word whatsoever. No, the slur (despite not meant in any racial context) was the least of the band’s problems, as the majority of backlash came as a result of the anti-Christian themes and glorification of suicide. Mothers cried and politicians used it as an example of our youth’s degrading morals. Protests followed, then death threats, and finally ludicrous accusations that Manson was solely responsible for the Columbine High School Massacre. So I think it’s safe to say that there was far too much on everyone’s plates to even notice the album’s opening use of “nigger”, instead everyone freaking out about Satanism rather than racism. Which is a much smaller problem, in my opinion.

However, the question of racism has been put forward to Manson before, and in his usual intelligence, had the following to say:

“I hate as many black people as I do white. Those kinds of assumptions aggravate me, because I take such effort to make a powerful statement on stage against something like white power. If someone is so ignorant to perceive it as something like that, it's like the biggest insult.”

And I mean, at the end of the day, it’s all about shock for shock’s sake, isn’t it? I mean, sure he blatantly wore blackface makeup during his Golden Age Of Grotesque era, but that was a reference to the late 1800’s itself, wasn't it? Of course he is a collector of Nazi memorabilia, but he’s a weird quirky artist entertainer, so it’s ok then, right? Isn’t it? Hey?

6. Edward Tudor-Pole (Sex Pistols)

“Mick Jagger, white nigger” - The Great Rock 'n' Roll Swindle

Being held responsible for initiating the punk movement with just one simple album (1977’s Nevermind The Bollocks, Here’s The Sex Pistols) seemed to result in a fall as fast as the rise. Less than three months after the release, the band had split, leaving an awed trail of destruction and inspiration behind them. Rotten went on to form Public Image Ltd under his birth name Johnny Lyndon, and Sid Vicious was dead by the end of the year, overdosing on heroin after highly publicised accusations that he'd murdered his then-girlfriend, Nancy Spungen.

The following year in 1979, The Great Rock 'n' Roll Swindle mockumentary and soundtrack was released, which is where the above quote can be found. Rotten wanted nothing to do with the project, so instead, they filled his vocal gaps with performances from other artists, most notably Edward Tudor-Pole, who was briefly considered to become Rotten’s permanent replacement, at the time. As a result, it’s his voice you hear on that song (mostly).

The lyrics themselves attacked various celebrities in very imaginative ways, and included the following: Ian Dury was a cockney fraud; Bob Dylan had a parking ticket stuck to his asshole; Rod Stewart had a luggage label tied to his tonsils (???); Elton John had a hair transplant; Sid Vicious was a rock ‘n’ roll cliche; Johnny Rotten’s days were numbered; and yes, that Mick Jagger was a white nigger. However, hardly anyone noticed, as saying “white nigger” kind of softens the blow, and Jagger had been accused of stealing African dance moves for a while before, so maybe it was justified? Whatever. The lyric is just too fucking funny, I’m sorry, but it is.

As for the original Sex Pistols themselves, they were punks, and punks hated blacks and whites and everything else. Sure, Sid Vicious proudly wore Swastikas, and Johnny Rotten’s autobiography was called “No Irish, No Blacks, No Dogs”, but all of this was generally accepted as fuck-you shock tactics rather than anything malicious.

That said, more recently Rotten did get accused of racism due to a fist fight he had with Bloc Party’s Kele Okereke. Kele claims he approached Rotten to ask about Public Image Ltd, to which the punk legend and his entourage responded with many racist things (including “your problem is your black attitude”), and then started to beat him, leaving Kele with facial injuries. Rotten denied the accusations, stating:

“After 30 years we are achieving a true unity in our audience. They are multi varied, all ages, all races, creeds and colours. When you are at a festival with bands who are jealous fools, lies and confusion usually follow.”

He also mentioned that his grand children are Jamaican, so all the condemning offended his family, and that his life had proven to be exactly the opposite of a racist's. That’s great Johnny, but the incident was reportedly witnessed by Ricky Wilson (Kaiser Chiefs), Yannis Philippakis (Foals), and Gruff Rhys (Super Furry Animals), so...

5. Nick Cave

“And a bad-blind nigger at the piano, buts a sinister blooo lilt into that sing-a-long. Huck senses something's wrong.” - Saint Huck (as part of Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds)

There’s nothing more that needs to be said about this critically acclaimed musician songwriter author screenwriter actor legend. Which is probably why, when trying to find any information about the above lyric (featured on The Bad Seeds’ 1984 classic From Her To Eternity) or even the man’s stance on racial matters, one finds themselves hitting brick wall after brick wall.

But what we can do as mere spectators, is to evaluate the context of the phrase, and perhaps find some justification within this sinister and poetic composition. The first clues come within the story itself, which centers around this Huck character floating on a riverboat down the Mississippi river, experiencing different things and meeting assorted characters. Sound familiar? It should. As this song is based loosely on Mark Twain’s 1884 definitive classic novel Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. And if you thought the controversy surrounding any song on this list was bad, this book was on a whole new level.

Because even when considering how different times were back then, to say the word “nigger” 219 times throughout its pages has definitely had an understandable backlash in our more modern era. In fact, according to the American Library Association, Huckleberry Finn was the fifth most-frequently-challenged book in the United States during the 1990s, despite standing as a staple of reading education since its publication. As a result, many systems have opted to replace the book in the curriculum with other novels, or even with a severely censored version which was hurriedly released by the publishers in attempt to preserve this part of literacy history.

For me (and many others), this is a shame. We should not be editing parts of our past art, because we cannot edit parts of our past lives, in all of its triumphs and shames, no matter how uncomfortable they make us feel. Scholar Thomas Wortham criticised it best, stating the new editions "[don’t] challenge children to ask, 'Why would a child like Huck use such reprehensible language?’” and I agree.

Which is why, unlike most entries on this list, I totally support Cave’s use of the word in this context. He is taking the essence of what made the original story so questionable (despite the novel actually reading as an attack on racism, if anything) and leaving it intact whilst pointing at it, challenging it, as it was always meant to be. And this is probably why nobody complained about the track itself. Because they understood this too.

4. John Lennon

“Woman is the nigger of the world, yes she is. If you don't believe me, take a look at the one you're with. Woman is the slave of the slaves. Ah, yeah, better scream about it” - Woman is the Nigger of the World

After disbanding The Beatles, Mr. Lennon changed as a person quite a bit. Gone were the songs about hippie love, psychedelic characters, and drug usage; now replaced by more politically aware peace anthems and introspective almost therapeutic journeys into his psyche. This was, of course, fuelled by his new found love and partner in art, Yoko Ono, who had spent many more years before Lennon in the deep underground Avant Garde scene, as well as living as a pro-feminist activist. Which is where this particular story begins.

Released on Lennon’s 1972 album Some Time In New York City, the main phrase of this track was first coined by Ono herself in an interview with Nova magazine. The use of the word, of course, did not have anything to do with race per se, but rather out of frustration surrounding the oppression of women in our decidedly masculine society.

The comment was so striking that, not only did the magazine place it on their front cover, but John Lennon decided it would be just the type of hard-hitting message ideal for a single. And as to be expected, it did exactly that: hit hard, and often in all the wrong places. People said it was inappropriate to compare women’s rights to the oppression of African-Americans. Radio stations refused to play it. Apple Records refused to promote it. And with all these factors combined, it was destined to be Lennon’s lowest charting US single released in his lifetime (at #57). But The National Organization for Women did award him and Yoko a "Positive Image of Women" citation due to the song's "strong pro-feminist statement", so it wasn't all bad.

Lennon had no problem backing his statement up, remarking that “obviously there was a few people that really reacted strangely to it, but usually they were white and male.” He went on to say that his use of the term "nigger" was referring to any oppressed person, and that he thought the “word nigger has changed, it does not have the same meaning as it used to”. Although, some 40 years on, people might still disagree with you, John.

However, I will personally stand by this bold statement, because I think Lennon went about it in the right away. Reportedly, he asked several civil rights activists before releasing the song as to whether they understood his use of the word, and if they thought it would cause any offence. After the release, he was willing to go to great lengths to avoid any accusations of racism, appearing in African-American magazines Ebony and Jet to discuss how black stars had changed his life.

But what’s most funny to begin with, is that no one could ever seriously accuse a man like Lennon of racism (even though some still do based on this song alone). He married outside of his race; fought for world peace; was hugely inspired by black musicians; and performed with many of them during his career. There is no doubt to anyone with any knowledge about the legend, that his stance was always one of anti-racial injustice and oppression. On the other hand, gender tolerance was never one of his strong points, as he had a well documented history of being a womaniser and wife beater. But this was, of course, until Yoko came along and kicked his ass, and then he wrote songs like this.

3. Eminem

“And all the girls that I like to bone have the big butts. No they don't, 'cos I don't like that nigger shit. I'm just here to make a bigger hit” - So Many Styles

While no other genre drops the n-bombs quite like hip-hop does, it is kinda weird that when a white rapper does it, the reaction is so much worse than any other type of artist. Sure, V-Nasty did it, but who is V-Nasty, anyway? Sure, Cage has let the word slip in some freestyles, but it seemed like such a small deal that I didn’t even include him on this list. However, and it may come as some surprise to you, that the highest selling rapper of all time has also said the offending word in his lyrics before, especially when he made a point of avoiding it on his 2000 song Criminal (Marshall Mathers LP) with the rhyme “I drink more liquor to fuck you up quicker than you'd wanna fuck me up for saying the word...” stopping there. Heh. Funny.

No, it was long before then - before Eminem was famous, even - when (at the age of about 15 years old) he put together some rough tracks for a demo. This not only included the offending song, but also an even more politically incorrect freestyle titled Foolish Pride, which contained the lines “Black girls only want your money 'cos they're dumb chicks, so I'ma say like this, don't date a black girl” as well as “Black girls are dumb and white girls are good chicks”. So when Eminem’s arch-enemy The Source Magazine managed to get hold of these tapes, they had a field day, attempting to character assassinate him with the ridiculous statement of “We gotta treat this the same way you treat Mike Tyson, like you treat Kobe Bryant, like you treat R. Kelly, like you treat O.J. Simpson."

Eminem was quick to admit he was wrong, but also defended the songs, stating they were directed at an African-American girlfriend he’d had at that age, who’d cheated on him. The freestyle was made “out of anger, stupidity and frustration” and he hoped “people [would] take it for the foolishness that it was, not for somebody trying to make it into today”. He also rightfully pointed out the blatant vendetta The Source has against him; that the tracks were produced by black guys; as well as the fact that he was only a young teenager when they were made. Personally, I feel these points are all valid, mainly because he works so closely with many black artists (being signed by Dr Dre; signing 50 Cent/Obie Trice; and as the only white guy in the 6 piece D12) which is enough to laugh the whole thing off. But Eminem being Eminem didn’t leave it at that, still tackling the subject in a few of his songs, including 2004’s Yellow Brick Road, with “she dumped me for this black guy, and that's the last I ever seen or heard or spoke to the ‘oh foolish pride’ girl. But I've heard people say they heard the tape and it ain't that bad, but it was. I singled out a whole race, and for that apologise. I was wrong 'cos no matter what colour a girl is, she's still a hoe” on Encore. Not to mention he has dissed The Source countless times due to the incident since then, so I think we can let this one go, if that’s ok with you guys.

2. Patti Smith

“Jimi Hendrix was a nigger. Jesus Christ and Grandma, too. Jackson Pollock was a nigger. Nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger.” - Rock n Roll Nigger

Known as the “Godmother of Punk”, this Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee was famous for her rough snarling vocals spitting fearless lyrics, which said pretty much whatever she wanted about religion, politics, and yes, race. Because of this loud feminist voice in a predominantly male genre, many high-grade artist have cited her as a major inspiration to their own music, such as Michael Stipe from R.E.M, Shirley Manson from Garbage, The Smiths, Sonic Youth, and Madonna.

What could be owed, in part, to her incredible acclaim, was that the intense song in question (from her 1978 album Easter) never really resulted in the public outcry one would come to expect, especially when comparing it to so many of the other much tamer entries on this list. In fact, the song was revered rather than rejected, having been referenced during concerts by U2’s Bono, as well as covered by aforementioned Marilyn Manson on his 1995 Smells Like Children EP. But while debate as to what she meant by it all still runs fast to this day (some claiming the context of the n-word to mean “lazy”, “slave”, or most commonly, “outcast”), Smith did try to justify the use herself, by releasing the following confusing statement along with the single:

“nigger no invented for color it was MADE FOR THE PLAGUE the word (art) must be redefined-all mutants and the new babes born sans eyebrow and tonsil-outside logic-beyond mathematics poli-tricks baptism and motion sickness-any man who extends beyond the classic for is a nigger-one sans fear and despair-one who rises like rimbaud beating hard gold rythumn outta soft solid shit-tongue light is coiling serpant is steaming spinal avec ray gun hissing scanning copper head w/ white enamel eye wet and shining crown reeling thru gleem vegetation ruby dressing of thy lips puckering whispering pressing high bruised thighs silk route mark prussian vibrating gushing milk pods of de/light translating new languages new and abused rock n roll and lashing from tongue of me nigger”

Uhm, yeah, sure Patti.

But the main point stands that she not only unapologetically called Jimi Hendrix a “nigger” back there, but Jesus Christ too, which takes more balls than anyone else in this article. Which is mind-blowing, not because Smith ironically didn’t have any balls, but because nobody murdered her. Damn, girl. Respect.

1. Axl Rose (Guns N’ Roses)

“Police and Niggers, that's right, get out of my way. Don't need to buy none of your gold chains today” - One In A Million

At their peak, Guns N’ Roses were the biggest rock band in the world, having gone on to sell more than 100 million records worldwide, and being solely credited for the rock revival in the late 80’s. A lot of this is due to the partnership between Slash’s incredible guitar licks, and Axl’s high-pitched ego-mania, which gave far too much of a fuck about not giving a fuck, resulting in the coolest douchebag, ever.

After releasing the biggest selling debut album in US history (1987’s Appetite For Destruction) they rush-released G N’ R Lies the following year, and that’s where this entry begins. Despite protests from fellow band mates (particularly Slash, whose mother is black), Axl stubbornly put his foot down and forced one of his first solo compositions onto this record. It went by the name of One In A Million, and as you may have guessed, it proudly sported the n-word without any apprehension or shame. However, it did come with a little token of acknowledgement, as the liner notes contained the following: "This song is very simple and extremely generic or generalized, my apologies to those who may take offense." But people did take offence. In a big way.

The controversy that followed was not exclusively racial controversy either, as the song seemed to promote nativism and homophobia too (specifically with the line “immigrants and faggots, they make no sense to me”), but while those derogatory comments have stories of their own, it was the n-word that caused the most fuss. This is probably because Axl was being Axl, and found no reason to initially apologise, yet still had a lot to say on the subject - as per usual. He described a personal experience in which he had felt intimidated by black street merchants trying to sell him gold chains, and added many years later that "I was pissed off about some black people that were trying to rob me. I wanted to insult those particular black people. I didn't want to support racism”. Rose has also claimed that he used the slur because it was considered taboo. Like a child. My words.

As many years passed on, he has softened his stance dramatically, first stating that the word signifies "somebody that is basically a pain in your life, a problem... the word nigger doesn't necessarily mean black," referencing the previously mentioned Lennon song Woman Is the Nigger of the World as an example of where the word was used in a more "positive" context. Then he mentioned he was a fan of NWA, as if that had anything to with anything.

In more recent years, he has backed out even further, declaring "there's a lot of people who have chosen to use that song. However that song makes them feel, they think that must be what the song means. If they hate blacks, and they hear my lines and hate blacks even more, I'm sorry, but that's not how I meant it" and then adding “It's not a song I would write now."

None of this changes the fact that, to me, this is the worst example of racism on this list. The reasons are: Axl’s pathetic attempts at justifying his use of the word; Axl’s complete admission that it had everything to do with race; that Axl’s lyrics weren’t particularly poetic or clever; and that Axl took far too many years to recognise what he said was wrong. But the real icing on the cake, in my opinion, was the phrase “that’s right” said immediately after The Word. It’s almost as if to sneer “I know what I said, I said it on purpose, and you know what I meant by it.”

Hence why I have selected this man to be at the top my list. Take a bow Axl, you asshole. Your last album sucked.


5 Additional Dishonourable Mentions
"This wasted nigga happens to be a fan of Jonestown" - Cage (Crazy Man Ahead)
"Why you wanna say nigger to your brother, man? Talking black pride then you call yourself a nigger? Don't bring yourself down 'cos it just don't figure" - Clawfinger (Nigger)
"Call me white nigger. Call me Christ killer or kike. Call me nigger lover because I spit on the mic" - ILL Bill (White Nigger)
"Some folks say a nigger won't steal. I caught three in my cornfield. One has a bushel, and one has a peck, one had a rope and it was hung around his neck" - Skillet Lickers (Run, Nigger, Run [to be fair, originally a Black Folk song, sung by the slaves])
"He was more than a nigger, he was an animal too" - The Gun Club (The Devil & The Nigger)


The End
And after all that, the question still remains: is it ever really ok for a white guy to say the word "nigger"? Well, unfortunately, there is no end-all umbrella answer. But as much as I am by no means the authority on the subject, here is my 2 cents anyway:

Know Your Company. If a whitie is hanging out with a bunch of his/her white friends, and they call each other "nigger" in conversation, there is no harm done. If a white guy is tight with some black dudes, and he/she knows they are chilled about the word, once again, no harm done. But don't be a douchebag and accept the word into your everyday vocabulary. Because, while I understand there will always be people who are overly-sensitive about the n-word, there is such a thing as being unnecessarily insensitive. You could justify the use in a million ways (and, believe me, I've heard them all), but life isn't always about you. Sometimes, it's about the people in the world who are still alive and have strong memories of the oppression involved around the term. Sometimes, it's about the people who, despite the general progression in modern day tolerance, are still facing racial abuse in their daily lives. And sometimes, it's about the people who will stab you because they don't feel you have earned the right to say the word - and in all fairness, you probably haven't. Just know who you are, know who you are talking to, and then stick to the script.

Finally (and as far as lyrics go), if you are a white human and simply cannot resist using this word in a song, take notes from those above. Be general, in the hip-hop sense. Be poetic and abstract, allowing definitions to be open to interpretation. Be political, looking at the word for what it was and then perhaps softening it with quotation marks, in much the same way this article does. Insult white people just after you say the word, keeping hatred to a fair balance. Get a black guy to sing the song with you, enhancing your street cred. And, if all else fails, talk about Satan or child abuse so much that the offending word gets buried under a pile of much worse repercussions.

I hope this helps.


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The Death Of Formspring

A few days ago I received an email from Formspring. When it began expressing gratitude towards all of its 30 million users, talking shit about how they’d “grown beyond their wildest dreams” or some other cliché, I knew something bad was about to happen. And sure enough, I was right. By the time I had reached the end of the message, it had spiralled into some bleak announcement about how resources were low and costs were high, and despite having raised $14 million in venture capital, they could no longer afford to keep the site running, opting to shut the whole service down.

It might sound a bit surprising for me to say this, but a small part of me felt relief. Formspring had become somewhat of a chore in my life, and I can’t honestly say I wholeheartedly enjoyed the process any more. Every time I sat down to tackle some random question, there was always this nagging slice of my brain which taunted my fingers, encouraging them to work on something more constructive and beneficial to myself, rather than other people. I’d have to slap my face a few more times each week just to get the voices to shut-up, and only then could I keep writing these things. I did it for you guys.

That aside, there is a much bigger piece of me which mourns the loss of a website I’ve used off and on for the last 3 years. Part of this grief, is because a lot of links I have posted over the course of Juice Nothing will no longer lead anywhere, which sucks. But even more than that, I guess on some level I really did value the never ending questions which blessed my inbox at regular intervals. They made me feel loved, keeping me warm with attention, which is all I’ve ever wanted in life, really. So please believe me when I say: I seriously appreciated the "following" this website generated for me, so much, and as a result, I will miss this side of my routine. I will miss it alot. My profile had become something to be proud of. Something which contained examples of my best writing to date. And that in itself, is a personal tragedy.

So what now? Well, first off, I think it’s fair to assume that you won’t be hearing any more Formspring related posts from me, ever again. But MARK MY WORDS: this will not be the last you hear of me answering anonymous questions from you lot. The interest in this side of my creativity, and the gratitude I have for this interest, is far too powerful to let something like this go. It will take time to set-up, but a day will come when a new Ask Jared platform will open for business, and it will be different. No longer will I use some other shitty website to do the job for me, at risk of falling on its face again. This will be MY thing, where I will have complete control over content and appearance, running as a safe place where you guys can steal my time, as well including the entire backlog of posts which Formspring are about to swallow up (they are allowing me to export the data - thank God). Next round, things will be even better. This will all turn out to be a blessing in disguise, trust me. Just hang on for a bit.

Finally, to the 10 questions in my Inbox at this current time: I am sorry. But you guys will be the first to be answered on the new platform, I swear it. Just maybe not as quick as you’d like.

Love Jared.
(That’s a command, not a valediction)


UPDATE: Due to some "last minute deal", Formspring have announced they will no longer be shutting down. That's great, but I can't take the strain on my heart, and will not longer be using this temperamental website, instead opting to continue with the plan above.

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Keegan Jonathan Lewis

Over the last Xmas and New Years, I decided to do something I hadn’t done for 3+ years, and ventured back to my hometown of Cape Town, South Africa, for a holiday. Needless to say, it was awesome! I spent much valuable time catching up with family; getting drunk with old friends; meeting a bunch of people I only knew from the internet; and showing my girlfriend the places I grew up in - not to mention the beautiful scenic areas Cape Town has to offer (some of which I didn’t even know existed myself).

Yes, all was fine and dandy. Except for one little incident: I received a death threat. Yes, you read that right. Loveable me, the guy who saves endangered flowers from abusive greenhouses and donates money to feminist charities, was the target of an actual warning towards my life. The perpetrator's name was Keegan Jonathan Lewis, and I have no fucking clue who he is. What’s even funnier (and probably quite typical to my existence) was that the threats took place on facebook.

Unfortunately (and for reasons I will go into shortly), said attacks are no longer available. Fortunately, I did have the foresight to snag the offending screen grab using my iPhone (South African internet is limited, let me assure you), which went a little something like this:

It didn’t end there either, as he sprinkled assorted other derogatory comments all around my public Cheer Up Emo album and profile images, including expressions of distaste towards my appearance (which, let’s face it, is ridiculous) as well as insults towards my own lovely mother and girlfriend. Here are some of those, in collage form:

I was a bit taken back, I won’t lie. Not by the threats themselves, but by how atrocious this guy’s grammar and spelling was. I can only assume the dude was drunk when he wrote these, because, I dunno, school? The other thing that bothered me greatly is that I went through this guy's profile pictures, and he was the most ordinary looking human being I have ever seen. Nothing about him stood out even remotely, his face was void of any single defining features. Try as I might, I stared at his images for a lengthy period of time, but forgot what he looked like the moment I turned away. Which meant that even if I passed Keegan in the street, I would not recognise him, so I had to somewhat prepare myself for some random cunt to punch me out of nowhere. Which, by the way, I was pretty amped about, because I haven’t been punched in the face for years.

Now, I couldn’t leave it at that, obviously. But I didn’t really want to do anything at all. So instead, I just put it out there so my friends would know what was going on, by using the following status:

What happened after this was fucking beautiful. An army of my mates jumped to my defence in a way I could have never anticipated, and my heart filled with a whole new feeling of gratitude. Take a look:

What I like to imagine from the above, is that Keegan woke up very hungover the next day, checked his facebook, and was bombarded with these notifications. He squirted a little poo in the back of his Calvin Klien underwear (please note: I am only assuming he wears CK briefs because I know nothing about him, so I'm making shit up now), and then quickly deleted every death threat from my Profile of Love™, promptly blocking me from accessing his account, all within 24 hours. Silly boy! Attacking someone on their own profile is like walking into a township and announcing you’re a racist. You are outnumbered, son. You will get killed.

Now, maybe a more mature person would leave it at that. Maybe he learned his lesson. Maybe he had a slight hiccup of judgement and realised he was a bit of an dumbass, and regretted his bad choices. Maybe I should just smile at how well that went and continue with my holiday.

I spoke to God, and he agreed, then I spoke to Satan, and he disagreed. I flipped a coin, it landed on the dark side, so I decided to keep it up. I mean, the dude can’t just get away with such nonsense, it’s not very nice to be all confrontational and shit, trying to feed people to rugby teams and whatnot. So following the instruction from the Great Dark Lord, I re-uploaded the screenshot, and the madness continued:

Unfortunately, it seems someone did end up reporting his facebook profile, because it disappeared. I never wanted that, and would never recommend such a juvenile way of handling things - it’s like telling the teacher. I am sure whoever did so, did it for the right reasons, but I really wanted to handle things my own way. What’s done is done though, and that's done, over. No, I never ended up meeting this fella, and I have not heard anything from him since. Which begs the question: why did I feel compelled to write an entire rant dedicated to someone who had such a little affect on my life? Well, there are two reasons:

The first is to thank my friends. You guys seriously turned a potentially bleak situation into something filled with love and appreciation. It means so much to me that people (even with just words) had my back. When peeps stuck up for me to that degree, my skin grew thicker, I felt so much stronger and it reaffirmed to me how important mates like mine are. Special props to Raziel, who took that shit to the next level and empowered me, because I know he meant every word he said. Likewise to Paul. I could almost hear the guy quiver while he read your counter-threats, because I would have. You guys are MY PEEPS for life, yo, seriously. I would return the favour for any single one of you who got involved, and I hope some day to get the chance. You mean the world to me, and I love you all. I get emotional because of it, and I am still laughing my ass off.

The second reason I wrote this rant is because I want to be the top google search term for this guy’s name. I want every potential employer to read this and realise that, if you are thinking of hiring Keegan Jonathan Lewis from Cape Town, South Africa, please be aware that he is not a very upstanding citizen. He is a dickhead who has violent tendencies. Maybe he will swear at your general manager when you are having a meeting. Maybe you will offer to make him some coffee, and he will try to stab you. Who knows what he is capable of? But the facts are the facts: he threatened my life and such a mental state should not be tolerated, let alone offered a job. Thanks.


THE RANT ENDS HERE, AND USUAL NEWS BEGINS.
You can stop reading now.


JUICE NOTHING
Obviously, the darling month of January was a bit of a write-off, and as a result, I have been frantically putting pen to paper in a desperate attempt to fulfill my quota. Which, by the way, I have just done. Since my last news update, I have launched 2 bits and pieces (excluding Dear 2012), which were as follows:

The Best/Worst Of Juice Nothing
This was my 50th article! To celebrate such a landmark release, I figured now was a good time to look back at the things I have done right, and the things I have done wrong over the years. Unfortunately, you guys disagreed, and as it stands, this is my least read blog, ever. Like, EVER. It’s a bit disappointing, because I did work pretty hard on turning such a dull subject into something as funny as possible, but alas, you will never know. I do understand though, it is a bit presumptuous to think anyone would care as much about me as I do.

Streamline Your Life Like Jared Woods
This got released right now! Personally, I think it’s a pretty good one, not only working as a rare glimpse into my life, but also filled with invaluable information which will help you improve your own pathetic existence. Time will tell if anyone actually reads it, but I assure you that it is worthy of your attention, and has the potential to make lives better. I am very happy with it, personally.

Which means I am completely up-to-date with my 1 article per month goal. Even better, is that the next two articles are already well underway. The next one in particular (planned for the end of March) is something to look out for - as it's controversial as fuck. But despite when this is released, and despite when the one after that is released, I am hoping to finish them both within the next few weeks. Why? Because I need to make writing space for other things.


THE GOAT'S NEST
And this is what I'm talking about. On the plane to Cape Town, I wrote half a short story, and then picked away at it until the rough was 100% done. I am temporarily calling it “Hell” and it totally sucks. Seriously, I am not confident about this thing at all. But I'm going to work my ass off on making it something readable, aiming to fix it into a better shape by the end of April, ready for your eyes. We will see how that goes.

As if this wasn’t enough, I have actually started the next short story as well. It’s the sequel to The Triangular Theory Of Love, and is flowing easy. That said, I realised it's a bit ridic to try and balance so much fiction in one go, because it’s not healthy to try live in so many different character’s minds at once. So I am putting this one aside for now, but am still confident that it will be released before the end of the year. Regardless, all of this adds up to a potentially substantial year for The Goat’s Nest, owed mostly in part to what I am about to talk about right now.


THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
I took a lengthy break from my debut novella, but it was intentional. I was racing through it with 8 chapters rough-to-well-done, leaving 4 left to do. I figured a few months off would give me time to clear my mind and then take it on with a bit more of a fresher brain. But I am happy to announce I am back on this bitch, and am seriously hoping it will be launched mid-year, whatever "launching" it means. I am soooo fucking amped!!!!


FORMSPRING
Still going strong with this nonsense, here are some of the best ones as of late:

Either The Dumbest Or The Smartest Question I've Ever Been Asked
Why Are Children So Evil?
Would I Rather Get a Massage From A Man, Or Surgery From A Female?
If I Could Be A Political Leader Of Any Country, What Would It Be?
If I Had To Suck Off One Of My Male Friends, Who Would It Be?
Would I Ever Pierce My Genitalia To Another Person's Genitalia?

I am answering roughly one question a week, so go ahead and ask me something, you will be amazed.


THE FUNPOWDER PLOT
Despite my concerns over what 2013 might hold for this project (and despite the fact that Kris is on holiday in South Africa as we speak), the rest of the crew got together and had an in-depth meeting about our future and our next piece. We narrowed it down to one, had another meeting about that specific topic, and then actually managed to film the whole fucking thing last Saturday. I have no idea how it will turn out, as it was the most painful shoot we have ever done (over 12 hours of filming!) but at least we got something. The post production started last night, and while I have no idea how long this will take, it is looking pretty cool and we are all beyond excited to get it over with. And no, for a change, I am not the star, as the script revolves around the two Funpowder members we see the least of... INTRIGUING, NO?


COMING DOWN HAPPY
As it is the tradition in Western culture to celebrate birthdays as well as Valentine's Day, it is a bit of a ballache that these two dates are the exact same dates for my girlfriend. However, I did good, and one of those good things I gone and done was to remake a song I wrote for her last year. It was called If Lizzie Was A Facebook Page, put together with a video and everythang, which you can watch here. Due to its success with my girlfriend and otherwise, I decided to remake the song as a proper Coming Down Happy single, complete with (rad) album artwork and whatever else you fancy. So listen or download that here. It’s probably not my best work and was a bit rushed, but all in all, it’s great to be constantly churning this side of my creativity to the outside.

Here is Lizzie with the hard copy of the single, in case you wanted to see:

What this also means, is that Coming Down Happy will now be potently focusing on The Black EP, finally. Like I think I reported before, it won’t be released with four tracks in one shot like the debut White EP, but rather one song/video at a time. The first of which, I am aiming to get done by the end of March, but who knows? Not me. Regardless, the music of that track is around 85% done; the lyrics about the same; and the drawings about 10% complete (but in reality, probably less). It doesn’t matter, because I am determined and amped, and that’s how things get done around here.


WE CAN NOW MEASURE LOVE BY IN-JOKES AND PET NAMES
Finally (and related to the whole Lizzie birthday ordeal), I put together a book for her. It’s a fictional story based on (as the title suggests) our in-jokes and pet names. So it won’t make much sense to you, but was a total fucking hit with her. I even got copies printed, which was a learning experience in itself. My first printed book! Definitely not my last! I KNOW THINGS NOW! Anyways, you can read it here, and this is the said girl with her present:

And that's all I have to say, except that the redesign for the main Juice Nothing page is in the Photoshop stage, and so it should be out within year. Speak sooner, or later, or whatever.

Follow @LegoTrip

Streamline Your Life Like Jared Woods

A Self-Help Guide To Managing Your Time Better; Unleashing More Creativity; Keeping Your Brain Happy; And Living A Healthier Lifestyle, All Whilst Maintaining A Decent Social Life As Well As Sleeping Nicely Every Night.

My biggest pet peeve in the whole wide world is when someone looks at all the personal projects I got going on, and then comments “You must have a lot of time on your hands, Jared.” Well, excuse me, I was under the impression that we all had the same amount of time? Does my day somehow magically have more hours than yours? Do we not share time? Just as bad is when someone says “don’t you have any REAL work to do?” I spit. Yes, in fact, I do - if by real work you mean my paid-for job, because by all means, I consider the blogs I write and the songs I make to be as important (if not, more so) than the work that pays me. It’s about hope. A light at the end of the tunnel, where (imaginary or not) a place exists where I'm not running in this 9-5 rat race forever, and instead receiving pay for the things I do in my spare time anyway. It's a dream of infinite love and joy, and I think about it constantly.

So then what’s my secret? How do I get so much done within my day whilst still maintaining a fast paced web-design job; a healthy diet; and a good sleep every single night? Well, it begins with cutting out TV and video games entirely, for a start. But the real key is to spend every single waking hour working on what’s important to you, and refusing to allow a second of your life go to waste.

However, and let it be known, I am essentially the laziest motherfucker around. I am not one for massive life changes because my bubble is comfortable. Rather, I opt to make small alterations to my routine which take minimal effort on my part, and then I simply stick to them. This is something we can all do. And after a few years of slowly (but perpetually) refining my life, a weird thing started to happen: I began to master the art of streamlining my existence. And while improvements will still be made and continued to be made for the rest of my life, I feel I am currently in a good position to write this guide and then share it with you guys. But if you can’t be bothered to read beyond this point, I will summarise it for you right here: do not wait. For anything. Do not spend a moment anticipating something to come about. Always have stuff to do at any place at any given time, even if just in the queue for a bagel or at the bus stop. Hell, going for a quick poo can be an ideal time to sort ones thoughts out. However, in case this doesn’t seem possible, I am going to give you some idea of how I achieve this by talking you through an average day of Jared Woods. This will not only grant you the power to get more done, but also benefit your health and completely eliminate depression, as you won’t have a goddamn second to think about yourself.

However, please keep in mind that this is just that. It is my day-to-day, not yours, per say. I don’t have the time (lol) to write one of these for each of you, or to waste energy putting together something ambiguous enough to suit everyone. I expect you to have a little bit of imagination in order to replace all the necessary personal aspects of my life with your own little tasks, and hopefully someone somewhere will learn something. And even if you don’t, try and enjoy the journey of this piece, because I do, every single day.



6:30
My alarm goes off on the other side of the room, ripping me out of a nice dream. I curse the world and my iPhone, get up, turn it off, then bring it back to bed with me, swiftly falling asleep once again.

Please note: it is important to me that I stand up within seconds of waking up, as it helps kick start my day and ensures an (ever so slightly) less painful waking up process, despite what you may think.


7:00
My second alarm goes off. I cry a bit inside and then pull my shit together (usually by reminding myself of what I have to achieve during the up-and-coming day). Then I go shower.


7:03
I get in the shower and stand there like a zombie for a bit. It is here that work begins. Whilst washing myself, I run through in my head what my day will consist of, and what times I’ll have to do what. This does wonders for my daily organisation and my waking up process, but not for my shower time, which has been known to piss my housemates off. This goes especially for Mondays/Tuesdays and Fridays, where I shave during said shower.


7:20
Out the shower, and I slowly get ready with all the usual teeth brushing, hair sexifying, contact lensing and getting dressing. During the time this is going on, I play the LOA game. This is where I have an imaginary interview with Jonathan Ross; or spend an imaginary million quid; or go on an imaginary date with Anna Faris; or meet David Bowie; all while the paparazzi are snapping photos of me. Either that, or I will plan the day further, or perhaps sing a song I have been working on, or even ask myself “what will Juice Nothing look like in 3 years? How is the next Coming Down Happy EP going to sound?” etc.

But you have to be careful with this kind of potent distraction, as it can make you late for leaving the house. Which is why I have strict 10 minute window periods allocated to each of the tasks on hand: 10 minutes to get dressed; 10 minutes for my hair; 10 minutes for teeth and contact lenses; and 10 minutes for packing.

Please Note: I know most people get ready much faster than me, and will be quick to point out that my morning ritual isn't very streamlined at all. And this is true. However, if nothing else, take this as proof that I am a lazy cunt, and so if I can still end up living my day to the fullest, anyone can.

Now, there will be some times when someone will be showering when you want to shower, or something equally obstructive. This used to throw such a spaniard in my works that I’d grow frustrated and even angry, which is counterproductive and no way to start a day. I have since learned that this is time wasted, and you should not be waiting for the shower but instead doing something else to fill the time. Roll your cigarette or pick out your clothes or put your contacts in or pack your bag. Borrow minutes from the other 10 minute windows, so that when you finally hit the shower, you'll still end up with the same amount of time afterwards. In the end, no obstacles in your morning routine should have the power to slow you down or make you late.


8:00
Out the house, plug the headphones in, and take a brisk walk to the station, which is the perfect time to buy something from the shop if you need it, like rizla or a lighter or whatever. This is where I have CIG1.


8:05
This is one of the most important times of the day: the tube ride to work. However, I am aware that some people reading this will not ride the tube to their job, but I encourage you to read this section regardless, because you might pick up something cool anyway, and then I will address your specific circumstance at the end.

For those of you who do take the tube, do NOT waste this time! This can be one of your most valuable periods, if you use it wisely. I know people who spend 2 hours a day on the tube, but do nothing! What a fucking waste! Do not just sit there. Do not just play games. Do not watch movies. And do not just sleep, unless you seriously seriously need to (and this does happen from time to time).

For me, I write. I write a lot. Almost everything I have ever written has, at some point, been worked on during my tube trips. Hell, the words you read right now were first put to paper on a train ride. Just by spending this otherwise ignored time to do so, you will be amazed by how much you can get through in a very short space of effort.

If writing isn’t your thing, pick a substitute. Draw a picture. Write a letter. I even consider this to be prime time to read a book, because books make you smartererer and can provide you with a great source of inspiration towards your own creativity.

Another very important thing I do every morning before this writing takes place, is to really plan my day properly. I write a list of daily tasks (affectionately dubbed The Juice Diaries), which only takes a few minutes, unless it is a Monday. That specific day takes a little bit longer, because the week starts then, and you need to set it all up. No idea what I am talking about? This is what I am talking about:

THE MONDAY EXCEPTION
I take out my notepad and set up one of these:

Key:
1. Random song lyric, just to keep things light.
2. The date of the Monday.
3. Columns of my life-tasks which require my focus.
4. The Juice Nothing column (articles to write, stuff to design etc).
5. The Goat’s Nest column (short stories to work on).
6. Autobiography column (note: it’s always empty, I still haven’t started it, lol).
7. The Funpowder Plot column (films that need to be worked on, emails that need to be sent etc).
8. Coming Down Happy column (songs to be worked on, website fixes, lyrics etc).
9. Home column (clean room, do washing, clean bathroom etc).
10. Body column (exercise, haircuts, pube trims, appointments etc).
11. Relationships column (people I need to email, stuff for girlfriend etc).
12. Shopping List column (stuff to buy, groceries, toiletries etc).
13. Fix Life column (odd things that need to happen, fix laptop, get a new bank card etc).
14. The days of the week.
15. Stuff to do in the morning.
16. Stuff to do at work/lunch.
17. Stuff to do in the afternoon/between work and home.
18. Stuff to do at night at home.
19. Weekend work.
20. Money people owe me.
21. Money I owe people.

Now, obviously this setup won’t work for everyone, but the concept will. I cannot push this point hard enough: you HAVE to write a to-do list every single day, or your head will jumble. There is this fantastic methodology called Getting Things Done by David Allen, which describes just a process. You don’t want to remember anything. You want to keep your memory clean. Let the paper remember your shit. I have been doing this for 3.5 years, and it has evolved drastically to get to such a point of streamlined documentation (click here for the very first to-do list I ever made). And without it, I would have never done anything.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON’T RIDE THE TUBE
Look, it’s easy to throw your hands up at any point of this article and say “I can't relate to this”, but the idea will work no matter what methods you use. Do Not Waste A Second Of Your Time. Find something to do.

For example: I used to drive to work every morning, all by myself. It took me an hour to get there, and an hour to get back, all in the painful traffic. Could I write in those circumstances? No. But did I sit there and do nothing at all? No, of course not. Every morning, I’d take out my phone, press the “record voice” button, and then record voice. I’d rap or I’d sing or I’d talk. I wrote short stories this way. I came up with fantastic melodies which I still remember to this day - some of which I have already used in songs, and some of which I still intend to use. The point is, do not look for excuses here. Find something (ANYTHING) constructive to do at any point of time. Trust me - there is always something.

Now, I’m sure some of you will say “I live really close to my job, so I won’t have time to do any work during my travel.” Well, then you have saved more time than any of us, what are you bitching about?


8:45
I get off at Goodge Street station. There are a lot of stations I could choose from, but I have purposefully selected this one. Why? Because it has a very fucking long staircase which is extremely tiring to reach the top of, and I walk up it every morning. Free exercise, yo!

So while we’re on that topic: always take the stairs. If there is a lift, take the stairs. If there is an escalator, take the stairs, or at very least walk up the escalator itself. It won’t take all that much longer (in some cases, it may even be quicker) and you will be amazed at how much easier it gets every single morning. Love your body.


8:47
I duck into my local supermarket, and buy breakfast and lunch. This is good to do now, because then you won't have to worry about food for the rest of the working day, which I will cover a bit later on.

Now, just for interest sakes, this is what I buy:

FOR BREAKFAST:
An apple; an orange; a clementine; a banana; and maybe a plum (if I’m feeling adventurous).

I don’t need to explain why. This is the breakfast of champions. It’s filling, it’s fucking tasty, and it’s really good for you. Fruit is like dessert to me, you are what you eat, breakfast is the most important meal of the day blah blah blah so do not skip it! It kick starts your metabolism and will make you strong like bull.

FOR LUNCH:
Now, there is something I don’t do which I could do, and it is much better. That is to make your own lunch at home the night before. If you prefer this route, but all means, do it, and then you will be even cooler than me.

But personally, I buy my lunch at this time. What I get alternates from day to day. Sometimes I buy a salad, sometimes a soup, occasionally a small pasta - it’s all down to how I feel, and I like to change it up. But the trick is that I keep each meal to below 500 calories - and normally way below.

People give me grief about this, because they say I am not fat (I’m actually quite skinny, to be honest) so why am I counting calories? Well, for starters, I drink a lot of beer, so there’s that. And also, it can’t hurt anyone to watch their intake. So if you are overweight, this guide will even help you lose some pounds, it’s that excellent.

If you get hungry during the day, there is no harm in buying low fat snacks - sliced carrots, for example. Personally, I try to avoid these, because I end up eating everything I’ve bought in one day just because it’s there. I instead opt to run on cigarettes and coffee alone. But if you can’t handle such a lifestyle, do what you want, just be smart about it.

THE FRIDAY EXCEPTION
On this day and only on this day, I will buy a roll with cheese or something more substantial on it, breaking my calorie rule. This is to line my stomach for later drinking, because I have my priorities straight.


8:50
I arrive at my office. It is here that I shall reveal my greatest secret weapon of all: My Work Only Begins At 10:00. I get there an hour early.

Now, I know some people will point out how lucky I am because I only start work so late - and believe me, I know. But if I were to change to a job that started at 9 or even 8, I’d still ensure I was there an hour early, because the benefits are immeasurable.

Think about it: you are now in an environment designed for working, which will automatically put your brain in the right mindset to get shit done. Not only that, but because you are early and most likely alone, it means nobody will disturb you. The internet will be faster, the kitchen will be emptier, and the smoking area will be abandoned. It is unchallenged as my favourite time of the day for these reasons. Plus, it looks good that you are never late.

So I eat my fruit while I check my email and facebook, and once I finish breakfast, I go and have CIG2, then make a coffee (all black, no sugar - another small health change). At some point between these things, my stomach will drop and my first shit of the day will present itself. I’m very regular.


9:00
And now, I begin. Almost always, I use this time to write, unless a greater project is on hand. Generally, this hour goes towards my next article, but can also be used to work on a short story, or to launch something, or to convert whatever I was writing on the tube to a digital copy in Google Docs. Whatever! It’s a full hour and I am fresh, getting a lot more done here than any other time of the day. I also sneak in CIG3.

Please Note: You probably wouldn’t want to use this time to do freelance/paid for work, as you'd be using your job’s resources to do so, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they frowned upon such activity. It is a much more guilt free approach to devote this period entirely to a “hobby” if you will, because any good organisation would encourage this kind of work ethic. And that’s what this article is about: YOUR work. YOUR projects. YOUR creativity. Not some clients', God.

THE FRIDAY EXCEPTION
Friday is also known to me as “Formspring Friday”. It's where I spend the majority of my hour answering an anonymous question someone has asked me via Formspring (go ahead and ask me something right now, if you like, I answer everything). I often do these quite quickly, which gives me some extra time for something else, but I still won’t release my answer until early in the next week. This gives me a few more days of clean eyes to pick away and edit it before freeing it into the world.

MUSIC
Another quick thing I’d like to touch on at this point is music. People often ask me how I manage to listen to so many new albums every year, and the answer is that I have streamlined this process too. However, if you don’t give a fuck about such a thing, skip ahead to 10:00. But if you’d like to keep on top of recent music and develop a good grasp on what is out there right now, this is for you.

Firstly, I do understand that this won’t work in every job situation. But in a design environment, it works very well, and is an important factor to my day. What I do around 9:00 is to decide which 5 or 6 albums I would like to listen to during the day ahead. 3 of which will ALWAYS be new albums released in the current year. The rest will either be albums from the current year which I've heard before, but haven’t formed a proper opinion on yet; or just some other classic I feel like giving a spin that day. Then I open Spotify (or Grooveshark for people who don’t have access to that program) and start listening. Over the course of the day, as these albums play out, I take notes on each one, eventually having a nice blurb on every single record I have ever heard, then sorting them out in some kind of an order from best to worst. There are 2 reasons why I do this:

(1) Even if I don’t remember what a certain album sounds like, I always remember what I thought of it. Which means, if someone asks me “have you heard (x) album yet?”, I can reply with “Yes, I thought it was a bit cheesy, but otherwise surprisingly good. Maybe not as good as their last one, but still quite a solid piece of work, for what it was.” And people think I am awesome and clever due to my solid opinion, even though I don’t actually remember a goddamn thing about it. I only remember what I wrote down, because it’s much easier to recall your own words.

(2) It also means that by the end of the year, I have a very good grasp on what each month consisted of musically, and am left with a decent list of my own views. This all works together to help me build my Top 50 Best Albums Of The Year blog. Simples!

Please Note: The above process is actually much more complex than I just let on. I have built up a separate streamlined system, specifically designed for my daily music intake, but it would take far too long to describe it here, and probably deserves an article of its own. But you get the jizz.

I must also mention that throughout the day, I pick the songs I like, and then add them to this Spotify playlist. My iPhone is automatically synced to this list, and it works offline, which means I have thousands of my favourite songs on my person at any given time, growing every single day. This not only helps strengthen my memory of the tracks I heard during the day, but is also the single greatest thing in my life right now.

Anyways, that was kind of off topic, let’s move on.


10:00
Work starts. The real paid-for kind of work. Now, despite what you may think, I work really hard at my job, and there are good reasons for this.

The first (and most obvious) reason, is that the harder you work, the better you look. Your boss will love you. Your colleagues will love you. You become a strong asset to the company, and this above all else, gives your day meaning.

The second reason is that the harder you work, the faster time will go. And that’s what this article is all about. Speed. Streamlining. Going fast.

IF YOU ARE UNEMPLOYED: Sort this out immediately. Seriously. Even if you get a shit job and you hate it, get one, and I’ll tell you why. It’s not about the money money. It’s about routine and having a reason to get up in the morning. When I have a day off, I plan to get so much done, and yet struggle to get out of bed because I have no real reason to do so. A job forces you to be active because you have a responsibility, and you will find throughout the day, there will be many spare moments to fill with your own ideas. Even better, by the end of the day, you will still be in work mode, which means the momentum will continue after hours. On the flip side, I have experienced days when work was so busy that I didn’t get a chance to work on my own stuff. Because of this, when I finally got home, the ideas poured out of me like a bottle of fizzy drink that had been shaken for too long. It is extremely beneficial to have a job, for your own projects sake, believe me. Staying at home all day will only hinder your thoughts, and dwelling in the same enviroment day-in and day-out will destroy creativity. Sort it out.


12:00
About this time I got for CIG4. Now, luckily my company seems pretty chilled about my cigarette intake, but this is only because I make sure I'm only gone for 3-4 minutes per fag. I’m so fast, people don’t even notice I’m gone.

But there is some value to it. When I go for my cigarettes, I think only about the job on hand, and I actually solve many of my problems out there in the fresh air which I coat with smoke. So even if you aren’t a smoker, I’d recommend taking a quick break at this point, maybe with a brief walk around the office or whatever. This is encouraged by health fanatics too, so don’t take my word for it, the evidence is out there. Especially with computer related jobs, it’s good for your eyes and your posture and everything else.

If you are a smoker, I want you to know one other health related thing I do: I drink one cup of water per every cigarette I inhale. I am not saying this counteracts the unhealthy use of tobacco, but rather that we are supposed to drink 4-8 cups of water a day because we are approximately 60% water in the first place. Drinking water is literally drinking the essence of human. It’s a good way to ensure you do this, by having a reminder in the form of a cigarette.

Also around this time, I post something which I consider funny to Facebook and Twitter for all of my millions of fans. It may be a formspring answer. It may be a blog post. Or it may be a status update/tweet.

Now, status updates are worth touching on. People have used this as evidence against me, accusing me of not working hard enough at my real job, because somehow I manage to think of and post something every day. They reckon I sit there for hours trying to think of something humourous, when in reality, it is much more formulated than that.

I cheat. None of my status updates were thought of on the spot. Because, while I think of many status updates everyday (most of them being crap), I do not post them. Rather, I put each idea into a Google Doc called “Twitter Updates” and let them stew. As it stands, I have over 550 unused updates. When I think of one, it goes in there. When it reaches 12:00 (one of the best times to post something, ensuring a maximum amount of viewers), I quickly look at the doc, pick one which I find funny or relevant in that moment, and then paste it in. Done.

This method also helps you when you are out drinking. Instead of just updating your status with something you thought was funny whilst drunk on a Friday night, type it into your phone and then deal with it the next morning. It eliminates the chance you’ll say something stupid.

This entire process (including the cigarette) takes less than 5 minutes. Get back to work.


12:50
Now this one is a little sneaky, I’ll admit it, and I apologise to anyone reading this who works with me in my company. If you’re my boss, just tell me to stop, and I will.

But from 12:50 until lunch (10 minutes) I use this as my relationship time. It is the only period of day which I allow myself to reply to personal emails, because I can’t be assed with that shit. Maybe I’ll respond to a facebook message or finally send my gran a mail, whatever. Some people (like my Dad) send me massive emails, and so I just write a few paragraphs a day during this time, save it, and then work on it some more the next day. It can sometimes take up to 2 weeks to respond to one mail, but I refuse to devote any more precious minutes to something like this.

This little method is ideal for people who find themselves overwhelmed by messages or have unanswered emails from years ago. 10 minutes a day is literally all you need, and by using this process, I have become 100% on top of something which used to be impossible for me to sort out. This concept can work in many other areas too (like reading long legal documents or making someone a present), if you choose to use it that way.


13:00
Lunch time! Which is rad, because we already have our lunch with us, so we don’t need to leave our desks now, do we? Let’s eat it and keep working on stuff.

For me, this is an extension of 9:00 - I just write more, usually towards my next article or short story. I also sneak in CIG5 and CIG6 during this time.

THE WEDNESDAY EXCEPTION
I allocate this day’s time to web related projects (i.e. redesigning Juice Nothing; fixing shit on Coming Down Happy etc). It’s my WEBNESDAY, so to speak. I feel stuff like this and Formspring Friday are important, as they force you to take a break from your usual flow, even when you would prefer to be working on your larger projects. It makes you more excited to tackle the bigger things next time, rather than just going through the motions, which keeps your eyes fresher. I recommend this highly: take breaks from your usual routine, choosing to work on something a bit smaller or less desperate.

THE FRIDAY EXCEPTION
I don’t do any work on Friday lunchtimes, because I prefer to go for a lunch pint (of Guinness, by the way, it's the much healthier/tastier/masculine option). The majority of my team at my company get involved, which means it has actual value - it’s relationship building, helps professional ties, etc. And it’s fun, which is the point of everything. Have a good time! Socialise! Other humans are important and you need to balance these thing into your life. If work dominates other parts of your existence, you will suffer, so make time to spend with friends cos it's important. More on this later.


14:00
Back to real work you go. These hours are an extension of 10:00, which is to work hard and get shit done. Keep important people happy. Get your time to go as fast as possible.

I also have my second and last cup of coffee at this time.


16:30
CIG7


18:00
Work ends, and from here on out, it’s anybody’s game. If I have a big project going on, I have been known to spend an extra hour at my desk devoted to it, which is much like 9:00 - the office becomes your playground, and it’s rad.

But generally, I take the lengthy walk to Warren Street, which is about 10-15 minutes away. This is also chosen for health reasons. I could go somewhere closer, but choose not to, as one should do roughly half an hour worth of walking every day, and this covers some of it. I also smoke CIG8, and from here I won’t be keeping score of my tobacco usage anymore, as there is no set figure. But it’s quite a lot.

THE FRIDAY EXCEPTION
Of course, if it’s the first day of the weekend, I go out drinking with either me workmates or me “real” mates (which is what my workmates call them), more often than not at some local pub unless something better is going down.

And from here on, Friday is out of the game, and nothing from this point concerns such a special day. Go party, yo! Get drunk! Getting drunk is rad and good for your mental health.


18:15
Back on the tube, and back to the pen and paper side of writing, much like 8:00. This means that by the time I reach the other end of the line, I have done about 3.5 hours of writing in one day. Add that up over a weekly run, and you have a ton of work done, believe me.


18:55
I reach my home station, and either go straight to my house or go grocery shopping for dinner, which I will get into shortly.


19:10
Get home, and turn on my computer. Now, in the time it takes my machine boot up, I exercise. This is because I hate exercising, and so by doing it quickly during my PC's loading process, means I don’t have to lose any time out of my day.

Now, you could always exercise more, but what I do is very straightforward. If you’d rather do some additional shit, then do it, and you'll be better than me, well done. If you prefer going to the gym, by all means, that’s a great thing to do, but I fucking hate the gym. So this bit is particularly aimed at those people who don’t do any exercise and only kinda want to, because by following my routine, at least you’ll be doing something, and as simple as it is, you will start to notice the difference.

It is as follows:
40 sit-ups, or as many as you can do (Monday is regular crunches; Tuesday is twist crunches; Wednesday is bum lifts; Thursday is a mix of them. These aren’t the correct terms, I’m sure)
20 push-ups, or as many as you can do
10 pull-ups on a pull-up bar, or as many as you can do (buy one of these, it's totally worth it)

This is what level I am up to now, but by the time you read this, it will probably be different. I try to add more reps on a weekly basis, because I think that’s the point to exercising or something - always push yourself and make sure you feel like you might die. I’m sure the proper gym buffs will laugh at my routine and call me names and pull my hair, but fuck you, this is written for people who aren’t obsessed with fitness, but are keen to add just an extra slice of health into their life. And this takes less than 5 minutes, which is all I am really willing to do.

After which, your computer is fully loaded, and due to all the writing (or whatever) you have managed to achieve during the day, I reckon now is a good time to do something different with your evening. I devote this period to making music, so whether it be writing lyrics, recording vocals, programming drums - whatever I feel like, I do what I want. It’s a great time of day especially because most people waste it by watching TV or having a nap. Don’t be one of those people. Have something to show for your evening - tired or not. The feeling of pride and achievement will mean much more at the end of the day, and it will help you sleep.

Also, (and as tempting as it may be) this is no time to masturbate. I used to wank a lot, but I have almost stopped completely. The reason for this, is that feeling yourself makes a person sexually satisfied without the help of another. If you have a girlfriend/boyfriend, you should be fucking them. If you don’t, you should be finding one to fuck. Look, I am not one of those religious people who are against sexing your hand, I'm really not. I think there is a degree of health involved with the act, to be honest. But it does make one complacent, and sex is an important part of life that should be shared between two or more people. So try avoid it, if you can.

THE MONDAY EXCEPTION
On this day, I have what I call “Fix Your Life Monday”, which is exactly what it sounds like. Instead of work stuff, I clean my room thoroughly and then do my washing. Not only this, but I have recently started properly organizing different sections of my room. It may be “this Monday I will organize my clothes” or “this Monday I’m finally going to sort through my top drawer” or “this Monday I’ll put some posters up” - something small which takes about half an hour, which ensures that your room is forever improving and becoming a nice little place to live in. And more often than not, I’ll clean the kitchen too, because it’s a friendly gesture which encourages my housemates to love me even more.

I feel like this is the perfect thing to do on a Monday evening, because after the weekend, one feels a little cluttered and run down. There is a great sense of satisfaction of having a clean room at the end of this day, as it seems symbolic to the clearing of one’s own mind.

THE GENERAL EXCEPTIONS
If an old friend wants to go for a drink during the week - do it! Work around it! Do not be one of those people who feels guilty about not reaching their daily goals, or who prioritises work over friends. It’s ok to break the cycle, just as long as it’s not more than once a week. The same goes for gigs or shows - go have fun! If you don’t do these things, you’ll begin to loathe the process, and then it won’t work.

I also have this collective project called The Funpowder Plot, where we make films. If you have something like this (perhaps a band or anything collaborative), it should take priority over everything else. The reason why, is because it’s not just you involved here - it's a group of schedules which need to coincide with each other. It’s always harder to organize such things, whereas it’s quite straightforward to move your solo missions around to compensate, making up for any lost time. On the flip side, if you don’t have anything like this in your life, you should probably get one, because they are magical.


20:00
Although this time is not set in stone, I feel cooking dinner is best done as early as possible. This is because it isn’t good to eat just before you go to bed, as your body doesn’t work off the calories nor does it digest well whilst sleeping.

Now, when it comes to dinner, there are 5 factors which are important to me:

1. It must taste good
2. It must be cheap
3. It must be quick to prepare
4. It must be healthy
5. It must be easy to clean up

My signature meal (much to my girlfriend’s dismay) consists of frozen veg, bought and then steamed (which takes about 20 minutes). Whilst this is going on, I put some meat in the oven (like chicken or steak or something) generally covered in Oxo, cos that shit's the bomb. Once that’s done, slap some gravy on that bitch, and it’s done. Awesome. If I’m feeling adventurous or bored, I’ll even put some oven chips or potatoes or yorkshire pudding into the mix, cos I'm crazy like that. It should all take about 30 minutes, and abides by the 5 important factors perfectly.

Needless to say, I much prefer it when my girlfriend makes dinner, cos I fucking hate cooking.


20:30
When it comes down to eating said meal, I grant myself the only break of the day. I usually do this by watching an episode of whatever series I'm obsessed with at the current time. Perhaps you will argue that watching series is a waste of time, but there are 3 reasons why I’d disagree with you:

(1) After such a hard day of working, it’s nice to treat yourself with that 30-45 minutes worth of relaxing. It proves to yourself that you love yourself.
(2) It can also be used as a time to socialise, where you and a loved one/friend/housemate can bond over a mutual enjoyment, discussing the program whilst eating a home cooked meal. It’s valuable.
(3) Series (much like books) are a glimpse into someone else’s imagination and artistic creativity, which can be (and should be) used as a source of inspiration. It will benefit your own work, is what I’m saying.

But ONLY allow ONE episode per day, no matter how tempted you may be to "just watch one more". It can suck your time like an overly eager vampire hooker, and if you're not careful, the day could disappear before you even realise it.


21:00
Wash up and get back to work, at a bit of a slower pace. This is an extension of 19:10, and should continue until bed time.


23:00
Start winding down and getting ready for bed, distracting yourself from thoughts of the day’s work, otherwise you may struggle to get to sleep.


23:30
This is my bed time. I try to be under the covers with lights out at this hour, which ensures the recommended 7 hours of sleep. Do not sleep more than this. That said, if you can sleep any less - do it! I aim to get it down to 6 hours as soon as possible, and 5 eventually, if I can handle it.

Goodnight! Repeat in the morning.


WEEKENDS
For me, this is the part of the week that I don’t like to plan anything. I get drunk and party with my friends. I eat junk food and watch movies with my girl. Sometimes I sleep whole days away, cos fuck you guys. This attitude makes the strict week seem so much more bearable, because you throw all the routine away for a few days, which in turn, should freak you out, forming a guilty conscience which encourages you to have a more successful week following.

That said, if you find yourself without anything to do, it is still an ideal time to get some extra work done, if you are feeling the vibe. A whole day devoted to your projects! How exceptionally beneficial! But for your own sanity, I wouldn’t make a habit out of it.


And that’s it! I hope by reading my little guide, you have picked up at least one or two tips and tricks which you could incorporate into your own daily life, improving your projects and getting more done within the constraints of your valuable time. But more than anything, please do not take this as a “look at my life, it’s so rad” type of thing, but rather as a “I have totally built this system which is working and helping me loads, and I am confident it could do the same for you” type of thing. Because it really has changed my life into something to be excited about and proud of.

However (and as is the nature of such things), the idea is to improve on this system as often as possible and in your own ways. And so, if you find any weak spots in my ramblings, please do not hesitate to let me know, and who knows? Maybe we could help each other out. I am confident that in 5 years, my routine will be even more streamlined, so I guess I’ll be writing another version around then, and perhaps your ideas could even be incorporated. But until such a day, enjoy the happy experience of watching the weeks dissolve and disappear in seconds while you don’t have a moment to think about yourself, only occasionally stepping back to marvel over what you have achieved in such a short and effortless space of time.

Godspeed, good sir.


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