Wednesday, 5 May 2010

Rockstars Fuck Each Other, Happy Valentines Day

Originally Written: 12/02/10
Tattoo Sex
The only creature I ever loved was a kangaroo.
We didn't fuck though.
You know, for the first time in 3 years, I am going to be single on Valentines Day. The idea used to freak me out, but I'm chilling. I have come to realise that I know fuckall about love, I'm not even sure I have ever really experienced it, and for that reason I don't feel it is right to even attempt to fulfill that part of anyones life. Unless you really love me, are extremely hot and are willing to be ignored right up until bed-time - in which case: call me, honey ;)
So instead of trying to tell you what I think about love and lust and obsession and the celebration of Valentines day in general, I figured I'd cop-out and fall back on music again.
Here are 5 of my favourite rockstar encounters, chosen specifically because you probably didn't even know about them. And Happy Valentines day to you all - enjoy your love or your lack-of, wear a condom, or don't, and send me naked photos of yourself because I am a naughty little boy and I want to see your bits 'n pieces.

Iggy Pop and Nico

05. Iggy Pop & Nico

Nico has been around. If she was in your circle of friends, she might be called a skank. But the dick she has had inside of her is of such a royal rockstar calibre, we can just call her awesome. Because Nico is fucking awesome. She has had the cock's of such legendary figures poking around her insides from the likes of Bob Dylan, Brian Jones of The Rolling Stones, Jim Morrison of The Doors, Tim Buckley, Lou Reed of The Velvet Underground, and she was the most famous of Andy Warhol's Chelsea Girls. So I'm sure they did it too.
So why do I choose Iggy Pop in particular as her most interesting encounter? Well, why the hell are you asking me questions? Or did I just ask myself that question? Fuck, I think I did. Anyways, there is a reason, and it goes a little something like this:
In 1969 Iggy and Nico met. It wasn't the first time, but it was the only time Nico followed Iggy back to Michigan to live with him. May I remind you that at this point Mr Pop wasn't doing car insurance commercials, but in fact The Stooges had just released their debut album which has been pretty much the blue-print for punk-rock since then. So he was hot shit even if critics weren't agreeing, and Nico was probably in love or on drugs or something.
Enter Fran├žois de Menil, a friend of Warhol and totally obsessed with Nico. He wanted to make a film with her in it, and she agreed just so long as long he included Iggy and her move in his plans. Reportedly, he was quite jealous of their relationship, and got his revenge by setting up a scene where the two frolicked among mannequins in a ploughed potato field. Iggy's face was painted in the style of a white mime, and apparently neither of them were happy with the result.
Wanna see it?
They broke up pretty soon afterwards.

Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin

04. Jim Morrison & Janis Joplin

These are two members of the very exclusive 27 club, which is artists who died at the tender age of 27. So it's only fitting that these two pioneers of 60's subculture would eventually hook-up, right? Nope. You are totally wrong. Ignore the misleading title of this blog, these two have never had sex, been in a relationship or even kissed each other.
But there was an encounter. And this story has been told so many times that the facts have been distorted beyond complete recognition. But for the sake of entertaining you (and just you, baby) I will give you the sensationalized version.
Andy Warhol had a little get together in Santa Monica, with the who's who of cool including the likes of Sharon Tate and Tiny Tim. Mr Morrison (the lead singer of The Doors if you are a fucking idiot) and Ms. Joplin were there, which is good because this wouldn't be much of a story if they weren't. Jim was introduced to Janis, and they felt a mutual attraction to each other because they were both famous and loved to fuck. Joplin being the awkward creature she was ended up blurting a bunch of stuff about her troubled childhood, and Morrison being the gentle Lizard-King he was, listened.
They shared some stories, shared some alcohol, shared some pills and really started to get talking. But Jim was a messy drunk, and started to get loud which put Janis off. To rectify this, Morrison decided to grab the back of her head and shove it into his crotch. Because, you know, that's the kind of thing he did. She didn't dig it so much though, and she slapped him in his face, called him an asshole and left the party. Apparently it kind of killed the mood in the entire room, but Jim loved violence and was even more attracted to one of the few girls who had ever pushed him away. Which I guess we all do from time to time.
So he stumbled after her. By the time he caught up, she was already in her station wagon. He lent down to the window to apologise, Janis opened it and gracefully smashed her bottle of Southern Comfort over his head. Then she drove away, and he was out cold on the side of the road.
When Jim Morrison finally came to, he was even more in love than ever and tried really hard to get hold of her. Janis was not even remotely interested and apparently this crushed Morrison's heart. Ag shampies. I think we can all learn something here though. If you like a girl, don't forcefully shove her head into your crotch, right? I knew that already.

Eminem and Mariah Carey

03. Eminem & Mariah Carey:

There is a good chance you knew about this one, but among all the other entries, it's good to have one that actually happened in the last year. And above all else, it's a fucking great story if there ever was one.
I could go into massive detail, but I would much rather let these two speak for themselves, wouldn't you?
It all began with Eminem's 2009 album Relapse, on a song called Bagpipes From Baghdad, which is a shit song on my taste buds. Nevertheless, he had some interesting things to say about Mariah, stuff like the two of them drinking red wine all day without eating. He then asks her why they broke up and saying he wants her back. He then warns her husband Nick Cannon to back the fuck up and describes Mariah's Hello Kitty bed spread. Then he kind of loses it, calls her a fucking whore and then talks about rubbing his scrotum on the tits of a pair of conjoined twins. So you say you're sober now my boy?
Anyways, Nick Cannon threw a fit and then Mariah hit back with my favourite song of her's ever: Obsessed. You've heard it. She really rips at him, saying she has no idea who he is, but he does too much drugs. She then goes on to ask (sing along now) why is he so obsessed with her? My favourite lyric is: "You're a mom and a pop, I'm a corporation, I'm the press conference, you're a conversation". That's genius, and for a second, I believed her over Eminem.
But, of course, Slim Shady is the illest white boy ever, and dissing people is a big part of the rap game. In summary, don't fuck with him. His response was the final say on the matter as I doubt Mariah would dare respond to this. He released an internet only song called The Warning, and it's one of my favourite of Em's tracks. He says so many things it's hard not to post all the lyrics right here, but some of the highlights include his claims that he has pictures of her and how he fucked her and then came to soon on her stomach, which apparently miffed her out a bit. He then calls her an alcoholic and warns her to leave it alone now. But the cherry on top comes when the song actually uses samples of Mariah's voice which Eminem obviously had in his possession.
I find the whole thing inspirational, so much so that I actually was listening to this song when I decided to do a similar thing to someone I know. It didn't go down so well.
Whatever, I highly recommend you check this all out, and because I am a nice guy, here are links to the songs and the lyrics of all the above mentioned tracks. Enjoy!
Bagpipes From Baghdad - Eminem
The Song
Obsessed - Mariah Carey
The Song
The Warning - Eminem
The Song

Madonna and Vanilla Ice

02. Madonna & Vanilla Ice

Madonna's CV is astounding. According to The BillBoard Top 100 All-Time Artists, she is only behind The Beatles, making her their greatest solo artist in history. She is also the world's highest earning female singer on our beautiful planet, and her 2008 Sticky & Sweet Tour became the highest grossing concert tour by a solo artist ever. She is a master of reinvention and has caused more controversy than any other female artist I can think of.
And then there is Rob Van Winkle AKA Vanilla Ice. He had one hit song Ice Ice Baby. It charted well, and then he got sued because he stole the bass-line from Under Pressure by David Bowie and Queen. Then, according to Rob, Suge Knight showed up at his house and then dangled him off of his balcony by his ankles until he signed papers claiming that Knight had written the song. How much money Vanilla Ice even gets off this song can't be much.
So how the fuck did the two of these people... fuck? Dude, I don't know, but they even dated for eight months (definitely the eight months Vanilla Ice was cool). They apparently had a bad break up. Vanilla Ice dished a bunch of dirt on her that she would call him at weird hours of the morning to check thathe wasn't sleeping with anyone else. He even went so far to say that it was the biggest regret in his life (
Really? Even more than stealing "Under Pressure", Rob??) but was nice enough to say that she did have a nice body "for her age".
Madonna didn't comment much, she was probably too busy making money.
The real kicker comes when you actually look at photos of the two of them fucking from Madonna's book Sex. This was long before Pam And Tommy, Paris and Whoever-That-Guy-Was. And they did it on purpose. That's the shit I live for.

David Bowie and Mick Jagger

01. David Bowie & Mick Jagger

Boys fuck boys all the time these days, it's a hip thing to do. I've never done it myself, but I would totally fuck Bowie or Jagger even if they are a hundred years old and probably have herpies.
Regardless, something like this is pretty epic. In 1985 these two upstanding gentleman got together and recorded a cover of the Motown classic Dancing in the Street. It is just about the worst song in either of these guys' catalogue. But that is not all that happened, according to Angie, Bowie's first wife.
In her autobiography Backstage Pass, she says caught Bowie with many men in their time together, but when she found these two rockstars naked in her bed, it was her first time. She claims it was weird, but never really thought twice about it. Jagger had his own bed just down the road and Bowie was known to put his dick into pretty much anything, so in her mind it was obvious that shit went down. She then offered them both coffee and they said they did, in fact, want some.
On a side note, Jagger wrote the song Angie about his love affair with the lady in question, so basically, everyone had sex in this story.)
After the divorce, Angie was forced under law to keep her mouth shut about the relationship for 10 years. Once the time was up, she spilled her guts and the press had a field day. Jagger was quick to deny the rumours and Bowie refused to answer any questions about it. And who could blame them? If this is true, it could seriously damage their reputations. But just by watching this video it's pretty easy to imagine Bowie sucking Jagger's penis. Go ahead. Think about that for a while. I am.
<insert clever conclusion here>

Monday, 5 April 2010

That Band vs. Band Thang

Originally Written: 04/02/10

I Will Fuck You Up
Hell Yeah, Boxing.

I like music. And I like people who like music. But more than anything, I like people who get angry and like to fight about music. Because I like doing that too.

This gave me the brilliant idea of posting a survey on facebook which placed some of the greatest bands known to man head-to-head in battle. I tagged 100 of my friends and asked them to have their say, hoping at least 50 of them would partake. It was here I realized that I am not quite as popular as I like to believe, as only 23 of them filled it out. That's ok though, I don't mind, and I cheerfully got the remaining votes from the greatest music community on the planet, RateYourMusic.

This is what happened:

Sex Pistols vs. The Clash

01. Sex Pistols vs. The Clash

Winner: The Clash

Pssst: Dear
People-Who-Voted-For-The-Sex-Pistols... Have you seen Johnny Rotten on any good reality TV shows lately? How about his stint promoting Country Life Butter? Where's your Punk now bitches?? The Clash owns, hands down, case closed, thank you.

Tupac Shakur vs. The Notorious B.I.G.

02. Tupac Shakur vs. The Notorious B.I.G.

Winner: Tupac Shakur

Tupac not only sold more records than B.I.G. but also claimed to have slept with Faith Evans, Biggie's wife at the time. Points there mate. At the end of the day they both got shot, so let this be a lesson to you kids - don't listen to Hip-Hop.

Bob Dylan vs. Johnny Cash

03. Bob Dylan vs. Johnny Cash

Winner: Bob Dylan

Hey, so did I tell you about the time I saw Bob Dylan live? Yeah, cos I did. And by "saw Bob Dylan live " I mean I saw a miniature blurry figure on a stage a million miles away, but he was there. And so was I, so I think I actually win in the end.

Tenacious D vs. Flight Of The Conchords

04. Tenacious D vs. Flight Of The Conchords

Winner: Flight Of The Conchords

Once upon a time there was a really funny actor named Jack Black who started a band with a guy named Kyle Gass, got Dave Grohl to play drums and released a debut album that everyone loved. So then they decided to go one step further, and make an entire movie and an album about the "Pick of Destiny", which was almost funny, but really pretty shit. Flight Of The Conchords, on the other hand, are still awesome and got more votes, so yeah.

Britney Spears vs. Lady Gaga

05. Britney Spears vs. Lady Gaga

Winner: Lady Gaga

Gaga is so hot right now. I mean, Britney has Toxic, probably the greatest pop song in the last 10 years, but I guess she doesn't have the fancy costumes and make-up? Don't get me wrong, I love Lady Gaga, but until she shaves her head and attacks a car with an umbrella, I'm not convinced. Unless the rumours about her having a penis are true, then yeah, I'm convinced.

Fatboy Slim vs. The Chemical Brothers

06. Fatboy Slim vs. The Chemical Brothers

Winner: The Chemical Brothers

I was always disappointed that Fatboy Slim was much more Slim than Fatboy. I kinda felt like I was lied to. Whereas I am pretty sure The Chemical Brothers take lots of drugs, and therefore seem like the more honest choice.

Metallica vs. Slayer

07. Metallica vs. Slayer

Winner: Metallica

But... but... I thought everyone hated Metallica? Don't you guys remember when they sued Napster? Slayer will eat your PC before they even knew how to turn it on. Or how about Lars' snare sound on St Anger? Whereas Dave Lombardo was reaching 210 beats per minute on the Reign in Blood album (fact). Doesn't this mean anything to you people? SLAYER WOULD DRAIN METALLICA'S BLOOD AND MAKE A SHRINE WITH IT but I guess I have no proof of that.

Blur vs. Oasis

08. Blur vs. Oasis

Winner: Blur

Ah, the age old Battle Of Britpop, heavily debated between NME readers with cool hair since 1995. I honestly thought Oasis would win this round, but I'm glad to see we are all on the same page here. And while Noel Gallagher has quit to pursue a solo career (a move that is bad news to both Gallagher's careers) Damon Albarn has his band The Good, the Bad & the Queen to keep us happy. Oh, and did I mention Gorillaz? Yeah, he also has Gorillaz.

Jack Johnson vs. Regina Spektor

09. Jack Johnson vs. Regina Spektor

Winner: Regina Spektor

Most surprised by this one. I was almost certain that you people had no idea who Regina was and have been bracing myself to explain to you slowly why she is my favourite female artist right now (subject to change whenever). So I'm impressed with ya'll, but now I feel it is important to say that Jack Johnson makes me very happy and I would buy him beer.

John Lennon vs. Paul McCartney

10. John Lennon vs. Paul McCartney

Winner: John Lennon

Paul McCartney is the most successful songwriter in the history of popular music, fact, according to The Guinness Book of Records. He has 60 gold discs and sales of 100 million singles. His song Yesterday is listed as the most covered song in history by over 3,500 artists so far, and has been played more than 7,000,000 times on American television and radio. He was responsible for 32 number one singles on the U.S. Hot 100 chart. He is the only artist to reach the UK number one as a soloist ("Pipes of Peace"), duo ("Ebony and Ivory" with Stevie Wonder), trio ("Mull of Kintyre", Wings), quartet ("She Loves You", The Beatles), quintet ("Get Back", The Beatles with Billy Preston) and as part of a musical ensemble for charity (Ferry Aid). But John Lennon was the second coming, so that is all.

Cradle Of Filth vs. Dimmu Borgir

11. Cradle Of Filth vs. Dimmu Borgir

Winner: Cradle Of Filth

I did once try to crucify a virgin whilst listening to Dimmu Borgir, but it just wasn't the same.

Massive Attack vs. Portishead

12. Massive Attack vs. Portishead

Winner: Portishead

I'm sorry guys, I know this was hard, the two Bristol Trip-Hop Heavy-Weights against each other. It was rude of me to ask but at least it is all over. However, it stands to point out that Massive Attack reached their peak in 1998 with Mezzanine. 10 years later, Portishead released Third, and it was so good that I puked on my lap right before I had my first ever epileptic fit. Good times.

Guns N' Roses vs. Faith No More

13. Guns N' Roses vs. Faith No More

Winner: Guns N' Roses

You can't get much closer than this really. Look, Axl is a twat, but I think that is his whole appeal or something? Anyways, Faith No More just reunited, Guns N' Roses replaced every member, and I hate change, so I disagree.

Frank Sinatra vs. Elvis Presley

14. Frank Sinatra vs. Elvis Presley

Winner: TIED

This... is... AWESOME. Because you can't decide! You just can't! There is no way! Everything else is shit besides for these 2 guys! Everything! Especially YOUR MOM.

Rihanna vs. Beyonce

15. Rihanna vs. Beyonce

Winner: Beyonce

I used to love Beyonce, until she was all up in my face telling me to "put a ring on it"?? Damn lady, and you wonder why the divorce rate is so high? Her ass is big anyway.
UPDATE: I fucked up the statistics here. Beyonce was 54%. My bad, and I apologise.

Muse vs. Placebo

16. Muse vs. Placebo

Winner: Muse

Yeah, ok, Muse has talent, but that chick who sings for Placebo is much hotter.

Eminem vs. Jay-Z

17. Eminem vs. Jay-Z

Winner: Eminem

Why didn't you guys vote for Jay-Z? Is it cos he is black? Or do you prefer the guy who talks about slitting his wife's throat whereas Jay-Z is happily married to Beyonce? Personally, I dig the way Eminem got sexual with Borat at the MTV Music awards, I haven't actually ever heard his music.

The Beatles vs. The Rolling Stones

18. The Beatles vs. The Rolling Stones

Winner: The Beatles

Everytime someone tells me that they prefer The Rolling Stones, I just remind them that The Stones' second single (I Wanna Be Your Man) and their first ever song to reach the UK Top 15 was actually written by The Beatles themselves.

Lily Allen vs. The Streets

19. Lily Allen vs. The Streets

Winner: The Streets

The funniest thing about this one is how almost everyone who voted for The Streets apologized to me for doing so, hahaha. Yes, I voted for Lily, but it was a hard one. Put it this way: I have never bought an album from Allen, but I have bought the first 3 of Mike Skinner's releases. That said, I have never made a website trying to meet Mike Skinner, so that means something I am sure.

Queen vs. David Bowie

20. Queen vs. David Bowie

Winner: David Bowie

Freddie Mercury is a God, but David Bowie is an alien from Mars trying to save us all with music. It's a tough call, but at least David didn't die of AIDS you know? Ha, just kidding Freddie, you know I love you.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers vs. Queens Of The Stone Age

21. The Red Hot Chili Peppers vs. Queens Of The Stone Age

Winner: TIED

I found this very tough. While The Queens were one of the pioneers of stoner rock, The Peppers have more letters in their name. In all honesty, until Josh Homme's releases an Autobiography detailing how he did Heroin when he was 10 years old, my vote stays with The Peppers. But this was very interesting indeed.

Madonna vs. Michael Jackson

22. Madonna vs. Michael Jackson

Winner: Michael Jackson

I bet you would've voted for Madonna if she had just DIED TOO RIGHT?? No? Yeah, me neither I suppose.

The Pixies vs. Nirvana

23. The Pixies vs. Nirvana

Winner: Nirvana

This was the hardest one for me, and a lot of you commented how difficult you found it as well. Nirvana did change my life, but I really can't talk anymore about this because it hurts too much.

Nine Inch Nails vs. Marilyn Manson

24. Nine Inch Nails vs. Marilyn Manson

Winner: Nine Inch Nails

I used to be in love with Manson, but has he released anything of any relevance in the last 7 years? No not really. Whereas Trent has released 7 albums in the last 7 years (if you split up the Quadruple Ghost recordings). Oh, and Trent did sign Manson to his Nothing Record Label before Manson had any luck finding a deal, so I have no problem with this one.

The Doors vs. Pink Floyd

25. The Doors vs. Pink Floyd

Winner: Pink Floyd

Each to their own, but everytime I listen to Pink Floyd, this little voice in my head flares up and won't go away. It tells me to hurt myself, and my therapist said I had to stop playing Floyd in my room at night or she wouldn't see me anymore.

Radiohead vs. Coldplay

26. Radiohead vs. Coldplay

Winner: Radiohead

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I have no idea why I asked, sorry.

Robbie Williams vs. Justin Timberlake

27. Robbie Williams vs. Justin Timberlake

Winner: Justin Timberlake

It's a tough one, because while JT did break Britney's well-publicized virginity, Robbie slept with 3 out of 5 Spice Girls. And while Take-That were bad, *Nsync made me want to cut myself. But Justin dances better, and it might have been the ugly 3 Spice Girls anyway.

Pearl Jam vs. Soundgarden

28. Pearl Jam vs. Soundgarden

Winner: Pearl Jam
I may disagree, but they will both always be winners in my eyes <3

Led Zeppelin vs. Black Sabbath

29. Led Zeppelin vs. Black Sabbath

Winner: Led Zeppelin

Some people had a difficult time with this one. However, most of us didn't, and I think the reason is because Robert Plant has never been on a Reality TV Show mumbling to himself incoherently. I love you Ozzy, but my church used to warn me that Sabbath lead to Satanism. Now you are just a rehab poster boy for the effects of alcoholism.

Pro-Life vs. Pro-Choice

30. Pro-Life vs. Pro-Choice

Winner: Pro-Choice


Thank God that's over.

The 50 Who Voted, In Order Of Submission

Gerard Janse Van Rensburg; Julia Fabrin Jakobsen; Armin Van Wyk; Paul 'Kenni' Kennedy; Utopus; Mike Dowson; Ammr Khalifa; dmpulp; Karl Rohloff; Alistair Fey; Jacques van Heerden; Kirsten Templar; thisispop71; Incubus17; Samantha Alsemgeest; Jonathan Van Der Velden; Planetist; Jupiter82; APH; Edgie Gypsy; Jaclyn Woods; Adrian Blount; EskimoChain; QFXC; Usurping_Python; Christine Hull; metalbrain; Dew1400; VAAC; Zidanie5; dt2; AeroCooper; satyagraaha; Slot_Machine_777; popoyt; mini_ahlin; ason_jones; jjmsmusic; 51392; Leandra de Waal; Neil Sinclair; Dion Troubadour Power; MacDougall; hfield07; phnuggle; lostmonkeys2; Sarah Adams; Lisa C; Janet Sarah Austin; and JARED WOODS uhn tiss uhn tiss.