Pages

Wednesday 25 March 2015

20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II)

(according to me)

20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II)
You know, it has been over four years since part one of this very article, and oh my, how the world has changed! The feminist movement has surged forward and become one of the biggest topics of recent times, producing a special sort of caution within the male population. What are we allowed to say? Who are we allowed to look at? What physical aspect of a woman are we allowed to marvel over? Where is the goddamn rulebook?

Which is why I was hesitant to write this sequel article. When the original first came out, it was hugely popular, mainly because boys are very horny, but also because the general public was a lot more chilled at that point. Does this lax attitude towards worshipping skin beauty still apply to our modern day society? Would such a blog piece only prove to perpetuate the reputation that I, as a man, was treating girls as objects rather than appreciating them on levels of intelligence or skill sets? Am I part of the problem where magazine covers judge females for superficial factors and support the concept of some unrealistic body type? Once again, I can’t seem to find this rulebook.

In the end, I decided to proceed for reasons of respect. You see, we are all born with different qualities, and one cannot deny that looking good is a quality within itself. Perhaps I don’t agree with the practice of setting ridiculous standards which distort females' self body images, but I do support pretty things, and as a heterosexualish male, I refuse to fight the instinct which tells me that these following girls are prime examples of what I enjoy on a natural level. Perhaps one day I will write a list of The Smartest Girls Ever, but for now, I feel the hotness topic encourages a lot more hits, and so I have just successfully justified it to myself to write this: a list of the female celebrities I drool over right now, for all the wrong reasons. Still, this is the stupidest blog I've written in a long time, and I am also very sorry they are generally white blondes. I am blatantly a big fat shallow racist.


20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II): 20. Gwyneth Paltrow

20. Gwyneth Paltrow

“I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.”

I decided to start off this list with something sweet and simple. For here is the type of girl you’d bring home to mama, confident that Paltrow would be very polite and chew with her mouth closed and laugh at your dad's jokes even if they weren’t that funny. And then maybe at some point during this hypothetical dinner, you’d casually slip in the fact that your date once won an Oscar for Shakespeare in Love and has also had the penises of Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, and Chris Martin inside of her. I dunno, would my mother want to know that? Probably. But regardless, there does seem to be something super healthy about Gwyneth, like she smells of fruit salad and doesn't age badly, as if she holds the secret to eternal beauty, or perhaps is the secret to eternal beauty, how would I know? I’m no witch doctor, but I would like to be one some day.


20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II): 19. Emilia Clarke

19. Emilia Clarke

“After my last audition for 'Game of Thrones,' they said, 'Congratulations, princess.' I was like, 'Bye-bye, call centre.'”

Daenerys Targaryen! Daenerys Targaryen herself! She's so bad ass! She has dragons and an army and shit! But she’s all fair to the people like! She deserves an award! Somebody give this girl the goddamn throne already! She is so hot I’d shout obscene things at her just so she’d stab me and I’d die satisfied that for a moment she registered my existence! Game of Thrones is based on a true story! George R.R. Martin is a figment of your imagination! I really hope no one reads these stupid articles! At least the pictures are cool! Call me, Emilia!


20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II): 18. Selena Gomez

18. Selena Gomez

“My perfect guy wears converse, is totally laid back, and doesn't worry about being cool.”

I'm not really too sure what this is about, but around a year or so ago, I irrationally fell in love with Selena. I like her music a lot, but it’s a little bit too sugary to admit this to my friends. She has been involved with a load of film and TV appearances, but none of these were particularly memorable (except for perhaps Spring Breakers, which might have been where this trouble started). And while there is no denying she is a looker, she’s not exactly your stereotypical hot, more like a cute troll above a sex symbol. So why exactly is she here? Well, I have thought about this long and hard, and figured that Belieberism is a sexually transmitted disease, and as she has slept with Justin Bieber, she probably got a huge dose of the semen virus from the source penis, and in some way my suppressed desire to fuck Justin has manifested in my adoration for Gomez. It’s a legit problem, look it up.


20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II): 17. Nina Persson

17. Nina Persson

“We're not troubled at all, but I think... well, we're Scandinavians! We're Vikings and we have a lot of blackness in our souls.”

What’s better than a hot rockstar girl? NOTHING. Which is why the singer for one of my favourite bands ever, The Cardigans, ticks every box with her box, from her disinterested attitude, to her talented genre-bending melodies, to her 15 million albums sold worldwide. Furthermore, her name is an anagram of “Insane Porns”, which blatantly has nothing to do with anything except for perhaps some subconscious level where I am suddenly very turned on all the time. Basically, I'm just trying to fulfil my word quota here, this isn't an easy blog to write.


20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II): 16. Sky Ferreira

16. Sky Ferreira

“I hate when people call me a socialite because you have to have money to be a socialite, which I don't have.”

The Kinderwhore fashion scene has kinda faded out, and that sucks. I enjoy it when a girl looks like she is about to die from an overdose of intravenous drug use while she stinks of Jack Daniels and gets into fist fights with boys. I just want to help them! I just want to help myself to them! Anyway, Sky’s music doesn’t really get me hard, but when she shows her nipple on her album cover and gets arrested for heroin possession, then I want to give her all my money just to watch her destroy herself and become the next Courtney Love. She’s probably doing fine though, I don’t know her personally, I just read some things.


20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II): 15. Jodie Foster

15. Jodie Foster

“I was never the ingenue or the pretty girlfriend of Tom Cruise in a movie. I didn't have that career, so I don't have to compete on that level.”

It’s hard to say this without sounding a bit paedophilic, but I honestly first felt something for Jodie in the 1976 Scorsese film Taxi Driver, when Foster was only 13 years old. She played a child prostitute and performed the role so well that my whole view on acting as an art form changed whilst I watched that dialogue scene between her and De Niro at the diner. And I wasn’t alone, as her appearance in this film and various others (like The Accused, The Silence of the Lambs, and Nell) went on to earn her two Oscars, three Baftas, two Golden Globes, and a stalker by the name of John Hinckley, Jr who shot U.S. President Ronald Reagan just to get her attention. Jokes on you though, Hinckley. Jodie likes girls.


20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II): 14. Grimes

14. Grimes

“I feel like vocals are to music what portraits are to painting. They're the humanity. Landscapes are good and fine, but at the end of the day everyone loves the Mona Lisa.”

The thing about Grimes is that she doesn’t really seem human. She seems more like a pixie or a fairy with her wings plucked off or maybe a sound rather than an actual physical being. You'd almost expect to stumble across her in a forest yet she wouldn't even notice you because she's too busy dancing around covered in nothing but tinfoil. And then you'd try to touch her, but your hand goes straight through because she is made out of mist and naturally this is related to that acid trip you took whilst listening to her ethereal Visions album. Ah, lame, not again. But what a fucking album!


20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II): 13. Juno Temple

13. Juno Temple

“For a woman, body image is always a palpable thing. Weirdly, for me, the only time I don't care is when I'm in character.”

Very often when it comes to falling for celebrities, we base our affection not on the human themselves, but rather the characters they play—which makes sense because we generally don’t know them whatsoever and have to make shit up for our alone time fantasies. And this is the case for Juno Temple, or rather, Dottie Smith, the ditsy little sister in the film Killer Joe. Her carefree childlike nature and spacey innocence worked very well within the context of one very messed up movie, especially the part when she gets completely naked and then is fucked from behind by Matthew McConaughey. I liked that. I think that might have been the point where I took notice, actually. Regardless, she is undeniably beautiful, talented, has starred in various other A-Class projects you may of heard of (The Dark Knight Rises, Sin City: A Dame to Kill For, Maleficent, some other stuff), which makes me feel funny things in funny places :(


20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II): 12. Naomi Watts

12. Naomi Watts

“You won't find me in a romantic comedy. Those movies don't speak to me. People don't come to talk to me about those scripts, because they probably think I'm this dark, twisted, miserable person.”

Age is but a number when you’re as lonely as me, but thanks to the internet, we can admire Naomi throughout the years at whatever age you like. It was back when she was just over 30 years young in the Lynch classic Mulholland Drive when I first laid eyes upon this beautiful human being and even though the film itself made me feel uncomfortable, I was still pretty stoked that she was there to see me through to the end. As time has gone on, she has starred in plenty of other decent flicks, was nominated for Oscars, and has done a lot for AIDS research, but most importantly of all—even more important than AIDS prevention—is that Watts has aged very well, even her smile-wrinkles having some weird sophisticated sex appeal to them. I’d love to cook her a meal, is what I am saying. Converse about animal rights. Observe her table manners. Accidentally brush her finger as I hand her a napkin. I am a simple man with simple thoughts.


20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II): 11. Kitty

11. Kitty

“I don't care how long it takes to get you after me. I wrote our names on my binder and everybody laughed at me.”

At the young age of only 22, there is something so attractive about a girl who goes viral, don't you think? What’s more, she acts her age (or perhaps even younger), coming across all awkward in front of the camera whilst singing creepy love songs about a guy she is crushing on who doesn’t like her back (Ay Shawty 3.0), or her distant lovings via dating websites (Okay Cupid), or even her unhealthy obsession with Bieber (JUSTIN BIEBER​!​!​!​!​!), which is just great. And with such a unique ooze of desperation flowing from some proper talent, I almost get the impression I have a chance with this girl. Seriously, Kitty, hit me up, we can cycle around the park or smoke weed through glass bongs or whatever you children are up to these days.


20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II): 10. Valeria Lukyanova

10. Valeria Lukyanova

“My communication with aliens is not verbal—we speak the language of light.”

I’m pretty fucked up so I like weird shit, and Ukraine’s Valeria is really really fucked up weird shit. Known better as the 'Human Barbie', she has taken it upon herself to look like a toy doll, and has done quite well on this mission. What’s even more fucking strange, is that she claims to have achieved her look without any surgery (sans a boob job) and credits her success to a diet called inedia, which excludes any food and even sometimes water. Did I mention she actively opposes interracial relationships and apparently talks to aliens while she travels on spiritual plains? Because she seriously says shit like that. I’d still date her though, just to see the look on my parents’ faces. Hide the scissors, mum!


20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II): 9. Ellen Page

9. Ellen Page

“There's obviously a lot of tragedy in comedy; I really enjoy the paradox of what a really good comedy is.”

I had this dream once where me and Ellen hooked up, and ever since then I couldn’t get the cuteness of her face out of my head. I wanted to be the Michael Cera to her Juno, impregnate her and then marvel over our amalgamated genetics. I wanted to be the Joseph Gordon-Levitt to her Ariadne, kissing her in Fischer's inception just because it was worth a shot. I wanted be the Jeff Kohlver to her Hayley Stark, and totally surrender to her convincing argument that I should kill myself in Hard Candy. But then, of course, she came out as a lesbian, and all of my brilliant plans were completely shattered. I’m still quite depressed about it to be honest. That said, I do have long hair, so you never know. Optimism is one of my stronger points.


20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II): 8. Kyary Pamyu Pamyu

8. Kyary Pamyu Pamyu

“I want to spread the word of kawaii to the rest of the world—I want to see it embraced by everybody.”

Not traditionally hot, but fuck tradition, as Japanese pop star Kyary is just the unconventional kind of fascinating which drips candy into my eyeballs and then solidifies my gaze in her direction, complete with enough costume changes and make up tricks to turn Gaga into a piece of bread. And this freaks my penis out. Still, she is adorable to the max with the right type of hyper music to seal the deal, her whole presentation seemingly edible but definitely toxic, which wouldn't even stop me. If you are going to YouTube anybody on this list, I would recommend Kyary Pamyu Pamyu as the the most exciting choice for you.


20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II): 7. Carey Mulligan

7. Carey Mulligan

“I never get recognised here in London, which I like. Once a year, someone comes up to me and asks if I am 'so-and-so's niece' because they think they recognise me from somewhere. I like that.”

There is this weird aspect about Carey, that when I look at photos of her, it doesn’t quite do it for me. She’s cute enough, sure, but her appeal won't translate into a static image properly—it simply doesn’t do her justice. The girl needs to move! Which brings me to my next question: have you seen Drive yet? Oh my fuck! I can’t even remember that film because I was so busy pausing and rewinding it every time she came onto my screen. It wasn’t even a masturbation thing, it was a crying thing, yearning for her so hard that I broke up with my girlfriend immediately afterwards and then called in sick to work until they fired me. Which, in hindsight, was really stupid. Fuck you Carey. Fuck your perfect face, seriously.


20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II): 6. Taylor Swift

6. Taylor Swift

“All you need to do to be my friend is like me.”

The thing about Taylor is that she is not real. If I was ever to believe in the whole Reptilians/Illuminati taking over the world thing, it would be because of Ms Swift. This is not only because she is perfect at looking, but also perfect at life, a cold clinical response to all interview questions whilst hiding any true emotions behind a smile which always seems a little too knowledgable and a haircut that never falls out of place. Furthermore, her success as a musician (winning seven Grammys, twelve Billboard Music Awards, selling over 40 million copies worldwide, standing in the top five selling digital artists ever, etc) proves that she cannot possibly be human and has had some sort of alien intervention because she’s only 25 years old and nobody like this could possibly exist. Did I mention she always hides her belly button? Why though? I already told you. Aliens.


20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II): 5. Cara Delevingne

5. Cara Delevingne

“I treat the camera like a person—I gaze into it. Photos are a flat thing, and you need to put life into them.”

I don’t actually know what to write about this girl. She’s a model, which makes sense, because her skin is blatantly made out of clouds and her features are obviously Photoshopped by Jesus himself. She apparently does some acting and some singing too, but I didn’t hear what I just said because all I can think about is partying with her. If she was like “here, do this line of cocaine off of my armpit” I’d be like “and how much would that cost me?” And if she was like “drink these 32 shots of tequila mixed with my brother's urine”, I’d be like “I love you”. If she was like “inject this heroine into your ballsack,” I’d be honoured that my genitals were in her presence. And if she was like “pour this ketamine into your eye then shove this straw down your peehole and let me blow into it,” I’d be like “no, that’s fucked up Cara, what the fuck is wrong with you.” But I would still be her mate, though.


20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II): 4. Emma Stone

4. Emma Stone

“I was a good-looking kid. I never felt, like, dorky. I was just like, 'Yup, these are my braces. I've had them forever.'”

Emma was one of them sneaky girls who I had come across a few times without even noticing the depth of her eyes completely eradicating my large intestine. She bounced onto my screen with Superbad, Zombieland, Easy A, Friends with Benefits, and Crazy, Stupid, Love, yet I was oblivious, aware she was cute, granted, but unaware that there was a tumour growing inside my pancreas in the shape of her own name. However, it was during a trailer (of all things) for her Academy Award nominated performance in Birdman where I choked on my popcorn and promptly stood up, announcing to the world that I would not be happy until I married Emma Stone. And then some dickhead behind shouted at me, informing my dreams that Emma was already fucking Spiderman and I must sit down, this is a cinema for fucks sake. So I sat down. But I was making plans.


20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II): 3. Zooey Deschanel

3. Zooey Deschanel

“The Internet's like one big bathroom wall with a lot of people who anonymously can say really mean things. It's fine, I believe in freedom of speech and I think people should think what they want, but I don't care to hear it.”

I, like most, watched in horror as my radar shook and threatened to shatter when I first started watching the hilarious television series New Girl. But even if this was the catalyst, it was not my initial introduction to the lady. I had seen Almost Famous, I had seen (500) Days of Summer, and I had seen the music video for Offspring’s She’s Got Issues. However, it was the character of Jess specifically who stole my heart, her quirky clumsy doe-eyed personality seemed to exuberate bubbles of joy from her bang hairstyle, and I decided I would spend the rest of my life following her. On Twitter. I hate her music.


20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II): 2. Margot Robbie

2. Margot Robbie

“I love flying so much. I even like airplane food. No one bothers you and your phone never goes off and you can't have emails go through. It's undisturbed.”

Despite having heaps of success with the Australian soap Neighbours, I don’t watch that crap and ran straight into Margot’s face like a sexy brick structure during the excellent Scorsese film The Wolf of Wall Street. It was like a professional martial artist had mugged me of all my everything, her very presence chosen for that exact reason, an excess of saliva flooding my mouth and nearly choking me to death as it did so. And then a few moments later, she was completely naked and it was one of those moments where I loathed myself because I knew that even if I got half a chance, I would blow it by saying something idiotic and then crying before I ran away to kill myself.


20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II): 1. Grace Kelly

1. Grace Kelly

“Getting angry doesn't solve anything.”

All bow down to Grace Kelly, for she is a princess. Literally. She married Prince Rainier III in 1956, and as a result, became the Princess of Monaco. And this makes sense to me, because I know as an ordinary person that I would not be worthy of a hand so glamorous, and totally support the unity, even if her responsibilities of a political nature meant she had no time to continue her fantastic acting career (which included some of Hitchcock’s greatest works complete with Oscar nominated performances—even winning one once!). Sadly, she died of a stroke-related car accident when she was 52, more than likely because God is selfish and wanted to spend some time with her, in full knowledge he was not capable of creating anything better. Without a doubt, she is the most beautiful woman to have ever lived, and I will die alone because of it.


Conclusion

I love all girls the same, for realsies.


10 Reasons Why 10 is My Favourite Number


(1) 10 is the first double digit number in the whole entire Universe.
(2) 10 is the base of the decimal numeral system, most likely due to our 10 fingers.
(3) My name is Jared Woods. It's 10 letters long.
(4) J is the 10th letter of the alphabet.
(5) I was born on the 16th of October 1984 (16/10/94). October is the 10th month of the year.
(6) Back to 16/10/84: remove previous 10, and you’re left with 16/84. 16 + 84 = 100 = Ten 10s.
(7) In binary, 10 is like saying "yes no".
(8) It has heavy religious connotations (Ten Commandments, ten plagues on Egypt, Ten Martyrs in Jewish liturgy, ten generations between Noah and Abraham, the ten incarnations of Lord Maha Vishnu in Hinduism etc).
(9) It is the name of many music artists’ albums, including but not limited to: LL Cool J, New Kids on the Block, Wet Wet Wet, The Stranglers, Girls Aloud, and Pearl Jam.
(10) Finally, it represents the nature of all life, if you think about it: 1 seemingly phallic (looks like a penis), 0 seemingly yonic (looks like a vagina).

With that, here comes some stuff which is far less interesting: the latest on what’s been going on in my busy little creative life. Enjoy!


Juice Nothing

The 100 Best Songs Of The Decade So Far (2010 - 2014)
December is always the toughest month for my writing schedules, and so traditionally I like to take it easier in January. But, of course, when the above topic covers such a specific time period as this one, you can’t leave it too long before it becomes outdated. So I did the next best thing, and wrote 100 reviews for songs in 140 characters or less, like Twitter! Was a great experiment, a real test to push myself to condense my usual ramblings into a more concentrated length, and personally, I felt it was a success (even if no one else has really said so).

Worst To Best: David Bowie
As the third of my “Worst to Best” series, and the first one to venture into the world music, there could be no worthier candidate than the master of everything, David Bowie. I worked reaaaally hard on this blog, actually the whole of January was spent relistening to all of his albums in chronological order to rate them as such, carefully reviewing each one as I went along. I think it came out great, and a tough contender to beat for my favourite of the year.

20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II)
Just launched this one, and everything you need to know is in the introduction. To summarise: (1) It is the sequel to my 2010 hit of the same name; (2) It is arguably the dumbest thing I've ever written; and (3) I did it for the hits. Please forgive me.

As per usual, lots of plans, lots of ideas. I have more blogs I wanted to write this year than I could possibly find time for, so everything is going to be ok on this side, don’t you worry.


This Very Blog

Without announcing it whatsoever, I secretly changed the overall design of this very site you’re reading right now, perhaps you noticed? If not, here is a refresher:



Muuuuch better, I’m sure you will agree. Perhaps now I can go back to the redesign of the Juice Nothing home page? Probably not.


Coming Down Happy

Nothing major to really report, except that I have been working damn hard on the Sex is Disgusting EP (there is a studio diary with more details here if you are interested) and it is finally coming together somewhat, to the point that I am actually excited about it for the first time in probably six months. There is a looooong way to go, I’m not even convinced I’ll finish it this year, but who cares? It’s only music.

Related: as I mentioned in the last news update, there is a really huge new section coming to the Coming Down Happy site within the first half of this year. No spoilers, but it’s moving along, looking pretty rad, and is well overdue.

More news about CDH in the FPP section below, scrolly scoll.


The Goat’s Nest

I am 90% sure that the next piece on this blog will be the sequel to The Triangular Theory of Love. It’s pretty much done. Just need a bit of polish and then come the end of April, it’s all yours (hopefully).

Furthermore, I will be on an aeroplane soon (more on that in the conclusion), and as is tradition, I will be starting my next short story on said flight. I guess I might as well tell you that it will be the continuation of Clean Birth.

Finally, This is Your Brain on Drugs, my full length fucking novel thing, is very very close now. There are only one or two illustrations left I think, then just a tiny amount of formatting and other bits and shits to take care of. Honestly, I shouldn’t be working on anything else until this is out, but it seriously could be any month now.


The Funpowder Plot

A new video! And I made it all by myself!
It’s called Valentine’s Day and was part of those “Monthly Projects” I spoke of last news item. The month in question was January, where armed with nothing but crayons and Adobe Flash, I spat this out. I am super stoked with it as was everyone else, and while it didn’t go viral as I always hope, it is still one decent player in the game of Jared, and it’s nice to have contributed to the Plot solo for once.

Besides this, The Freewheelin’ Troubadour is getting married soon and embarking on a massive long tour of the world, which leaves only me, Loose, and Ammr to hold the fort. Ammr himself has become very popular since that Shura video received over eight and a half million hits, and as a result, he has a lot of offers coming in, which should provide some great content for the site.

Of course, this means that the Coming Down Happy video has kinda been pushed back, and it looks like I will be tackling this one all by myself once again, which is good, because CDH was always a DIY thing anyway. Perhaps I may not have the technical genius of my comrades nor the fancy equipment, but I do have ideas and a big plan. I know how to get what I want, and I know how to make it look good. Slowly, this is becoming a priority.


Painting

Once again, as part of this “monthly projects” thing I’ve been doing, I started painting with acrylic over Feb, and loved it so much that I kinda let it leak into March. This is what I’ve spat out so far:
Miley Cyrus
Slender Man and Maddie
Goodbye Kitty

For a while, this art form really connected to my life for some reason, and it has been many years since I felt so passionate about an avenue. It’s so therapeutic, at points I didn’t go to parties just because this is what I want to spend my time doing. However, I will be taking a break now, but I wouldn’t be surprised if a few more appear throughout the year, and perhaps some kind of a big announcement at the end. Yes, I know something you don’t.


Band

It is with a sad heart that I announce our guitarist, Andy, has left us to go live in Bristol. The decision was understood and the whole thing, while shit, happened on good terms. The rest of us spoke about it and decided we wanted to continue, but rather than replace Andy, Milz (previously vocals/violin) has moved to keyboards, and we honestly sound even better in my opinion. We have the workings of about five songs or so, and I actually really like them, which is a rare thing for me. I have had bad band experiences before, but God, I really hope this one at least makes it to some sort of recording/gigging stage. It’s so much fun.


Yup, I think that’s it. Now, as I touched upon earlier, I am off to India from the end of this month ‘til the the 11th of April. I am not sure if this is important, but it may be, as whatever was planned for said time period will obviously get no love whatsoever. I think things will be ok though, because everything always is.

Oh, finally, I have been taking Instagram heaps more cereal these days, so you should follow me! Seriously, please follow me. It gives my life meaning.

Ok bye,
Jared


Thursday 19 February 2015

Worst To Best: David Bowie

Worst To Best: David Bowie

When it comes to the tale of Bowie and me, I was not as fortunate as many of you reading this would have been. My exposure to the man's genius did not come by means of parental figurines—on the contrary, I was actively warned against it. For during my younger days of consuming as many classic musicians as I could stomach, I announced my interest in this enigmatic Bowie-being to my mother, and got shot down. "Please don't listen to him," she requested. "He's weird. He's like the Marilyn Manson of my day."

As if that would discourage me. Because I knew there had to be something to this guy. How else did I recognise his name without having heard any of his music, hmmm? Hence why I embarked on my lone mission of Bowieducation with a fierce catlike curiosity, no safety belt or nothing, and am happy to report the undertaking was an impeccable success (as this blog demonstrates). The meaning of life became apparent as the divine spirit grew within my core, the expansion proving Bowie as the Greatest Rock God to have ever walked the Earth, more than Jesus maybe even. Forget Lennon or Elvis or Berry or any other holy name you can throw at me; Bowie is better, and I won't hear any different, nanana not listening. Perhaps he was never the most proficient lyricist or guitarist or even songwriter, but he is the irrefutable master of versatility, forever reinventing every aspect of his character like some Messiah transforming to serve one colossal sentence over the course of four decades. And he did it to save us. Make no mistake, we would all be dead without him. We owe him our everything. All hail the saviour David Bowie, amen.

So to honour this creature's contribution to musical progression, I finally took it upon myself to write this long overdue sermon of worship, by revisiting every single Bowie album and then ordering them from what I consider to be the worst to the best, as if I have ever earned the right to do so. I am not worthy of the assignment. Nobody is. However, by the Lord's forgiveness, I did try my hardest to provide justice to a figure who doesn't need it, and am satisfied enough to present this gift to everyone, my little part in preaching the good word. Here is the Worst to Best of David Bowie according to me, and it goes like this:


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 29. Pin Ups

29. Pin Ups (1973)

Glam Pop Rock
Spotify


Released during an almost unstoppable run of classics, this hiccup is generally cited as one of David's weaker efforts, yet is hardly ever treated as his worst. However, I have my reasons, and I can explain them to you as straightforward as this: Bowie has written some of the greatest original songs in the history of all time, and as a result, his perpetually bothersome compulsion to scatter cover songs amongst his otherwise secure catalogue has always appeared pointless to me—and Pin Ups is a full fucking album of them. Sure, the project's fuel of love and fun does not go unnoticed and is not without integrity, but I still cannot escape the disappointment where these nostalgic interpretations are nothing more than a pothole interrupting a perfect flow of masterpieces, trying too hard to rock hard and probably a sign that Bowie was overworking himself during this immensely creative period. And so as much as I enjoy it for what it is, I wholeheartedly consider this as Bowie's most unnecessary offering, and honestly see no great reason for it to exist. Sorry.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 28. Labyrinth

28. Labyrinth (Soundtrack, 1986)

New Wave Pop Rock
Spotify


Most 80s kids will look upon this album with great fondness, for reasons almost exclusively associated to the adorable film itself. And while the movie dropped dead centre in what is inarguably accepted as Bowie's most cringeworthy period, his acting performance as Jareth the Goblin King was perfect, disturbing our childhood dreams for many nights to follow. Which is why, on some sentimental level, the soundtrack does have its place, perhaps not as a singular unit or even in Bowie's catalogue whatsoever, but rather as a release very dependent on the film, working as a team to truly expose the magic. But upon listening to the album by itself all these years later, I found it to have dated worse than any other feature from the man's career, roughly as excruciatingly cheesy as his hairdo would suggest and devoid of all the silver balls we had come to expect. Simply put, it does not work alone whatsoever, and without the cuteness of Henson's puppetry, is utterly forgettable and probably safer that way.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 27. Never Let Me Down

27. Never Let Me Down (1987)

Pop Rock
Spotify


I am not the first to point out the ironic joke in this album's title, but here we go again anyway: Never Let Me Down let absolutely everybody down, including Bowie himself, so much so that the majority of similar Worst to Best lists casually drown this release as low as it can possibly go, hopefully out of sight completely. It's the archetype casualty from the Let's Dance effect (Bowie's self-proclaimed "Phil Collins" era), where our hero had lost all motivation for innovation, rather now catering for his newfound influx of mainstream audiences, desperately shoving out anything he thought would hit without applying any effort, and this is what that sounds like: an over-processed synthetic sloppy mess constituting of feeble ideas which lead to nowhere. Luckily, his name alone sold the album well, but the critics had never witnessed a David Bowie flop so hard, and my heart breaks from sadness whilst watching this hopelessly lost man fumble through the creative mess he had become. That said, the reputation is (a little) worse than the product, and a part of me wishes he'd give this one another go. I love everything he does, really.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 26. Tonight

26. Tonight (1984)

New Wave Dance-Pop Rock
Spotify


As the equally repulsive partner of Never Let Me Down, the review for either of these atrocities could be practically interchangeable. The hype sets the bar so low that you might be pleasantly surprised by its varied jammy mix of reggae meets pop meets latin meets ska. You might even appreciate the relaxed tone of someone who sounds like they've pretty much lost all the spirit of what made them a musician in the first place. Hell, you could even possibly consider it a very admirable record, as it contains so many Iggy Pop covers that various listeners have theorised it to be a charity gift of royalty payments to Iggy himself, due to his nasty habit of snorting all his earnings away. But more than likely, you'll agree with everyone else, and call Tonight one of the most worn out, clichéd, boring, and rushed releases from a man who was struggling to be something he wasn't for all the wrong reasons, occasionally almost getting there, more frequently completely missing it, and sometimes sounding very, very bad.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 25. Tin Machine

25. Tin Machine (1989)

Alternative Hard Rock
Spotify


As if the previous entries weren't enough evidence, the 80s were a troubled time for Bowie's creativity, which is why as a concept, I really appreciate Tin Machine. It was his respectful endeavour at getting back on track by forming a no-frills back-to-basics straight-up plain old aggressive rock band—a calculated clean break from his own name in order to jump start the musical motor which had spluttered and died during the decade. And if we take it on this raw basis, it did exactly what it was designed to do, proving itself as one decent landmark to pinpoint where his career began to regenerate itself and slowly climb into more respectable regions of satisfaction. However, the presentation is still generally considered a misfire which reeked of midlife crisis, hardly denting the charts and a strong example of where Bowie's finger was no longer on the pulse of progression but rather a lone fingernail clawing at the trends in some desperate attempt to save face. But even if it is (nearly) as bad as everyone says, I refuse to exclusively incriminate David for the wobble and much prefer to blame his band members instead, because I am bias and Bowie is my Dad.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 24. Young Americans

24. Young Americans (1975)

Blue Eyed Soul Pop Rock
Spotify


Bowie's catalogue is famous for its endless ch-ch-changes (sorry), but very few can boast an extreme stylistic reinvention to the degree of Young Americans. After snorting far too much white cocaine, Bowie suddenly thought he was a black man, shed his British heritage and went charging full force into U.S. of A. with one intention: to finally break that country's market. And, surprisingly enough, he pretty much achieved it too, pushing his vocal boundaries so far outward that he genuinely competed with the soul charts of the time, entering the US top 10, as well as hitting #1 on the singles charts with Fame (a feat which had nothing to do with the John Lennon guest slot, I'm sure). And this is great, except for on a personal level, where something doesn't quite sit right with me and this record. It's a bit too out of place in context with his career, simultaneously as underrated as it's overrated, and gives me visions of the colour beige until I feel nauseous. So while I respect the live quality performance and the various Beatle references, I guess Bowie is simply too Caucasian for this type of style.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 23. Tin Machine II

23. Tin Machine II (1991)

Pop Rock

If you are part of the army who found themselves underwhelmed by Tin Machine's debut, then you may (like most) consider this sequel to be an even worse experience. Perhaps hindsight has been a little kinder to the project as a whole, but at the time, people weren't comfortable with the band, and this album in particular rejected their status beyond the lowest expectations, more than likely due to the group's bravery in pushing things a little further into the experimental zone; a more free, more indulgent, and perhaps more annoying territory, which is putting it politely. However, even if it lacked any evidence of inspiration whatsoever, I personally prefer it to the original, without any idea as to why. Might it have something to do with the penises on the cover? Whatever. The point is that, regardless of my slightly above average appreciation, this release is still an embarrassing brick in the worst era Bowie has ever built, and while I don't dissect the offering as viciously as everyone else has and instead appreciate the improvement on almost all of his work a decade earlier, I am also more than happy to pretend it doesn't exist and move on with my own life.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 22. David Bowie

22. David Bowie (1967)

Psychedelic Pop
Spotify


Of all the Bowie albums, I regard his debut as the most unfairly disregarded. It was as if critics patted it on the head, pinched its cheeks like a child, and then condescendingly sent it along its way. And, all things considered, it's not difficult to understand why. For this self-titled record is a very simple affair, as immature as it is amateur, cheeky and quirky and comedic without even expecting anyone to take it the least bit seriously—which is why nobody did. But if you dig past the quaint cuteness of its slightly mad folky yolk, you should find yourself gently cradling a fragile little egg, shoved to cracking-point with an excess of exciting ideas, aching to hatch the genius we all know from only a few years later. Listening to it now, the future all seems so obvious, and I like to pretend I always knew he was going to be a superstar despite my birth taking place nearly two decades after the fact. Regardless, everyone can agree that he was merely finding his niche at this point, and while this wasn't exactly it, we all have to start somewhere. And you fucking wish you started here.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 21. Black Tie White Noise

21. Black Tie White Noise (1993)

Art Pop
Spotify


So after releasing a strew of subpar material, getting remarried, and then dealing with the suicide of his half-brother, Bowie utilised his newfound personal side to rekindle his love for the arty slice of music, coming out with his best album in 10 years without that being a particularly impressive feat. It amalgamated his past with a smooth, almost dancey R&B pop-soul crossover, his embracement of modern production quickly hailed as a return to form ("finally, a real Bowie album again!") resulting in one wholly mature offering in which he accepted his age and grew comfortable within his legacy. However, none of this particularly worked in its favour, a now dated sound from the mouth of a tired man no longer in the hip circle—an improvement by all means, but ultimately just another disappointment, if we are being honest with ourselves. That said, I treat Black Tie White Noise as a transitional album, a point where Bowie remembered where the goalpost was and had refocused his sights on the money-shot, without being entirely sure on how to get there just yet. And so in that regard, at very least this album proved that the old fella had some spark in his diluted eyeball still.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 20. Space Oddity

20. Space Oddity (originally titled David Bowie, 1969)

Pop Rock
Spotify


Much like most, the title track from Bowie's sophomore was my gateway drug, and as a result, this whole album has a very special place in my solar system. I mean, of course it wasn't quite where Bowie belonged, but it was a fuckload closer than his debut, exfoliating the comedic novelty factors and instead focusing on space travel and other such alien themes, which urgently hinted at the weirdness to come whilst unfairly crashing on any commercial level. Admittedly, at times it is a little boring, a little too "of its time" rather than ahead, and a little too similar to other artists available around the same period, but this album is the sound of David Bowie learning, as well as pretty much the last time we ever hear David Bowie learning. As this was the final release before his calls to extraterrestrial planets were answered, and then they planted that little microchip in his head which gave him the otherworldly knowledge, as we've all already read about.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 19. The Buddha of Suburbia

19. The Buddha of Suburbia (Soundtrack, 1993)

Experimental Electronic
Spotify


Forget Black Tie White Noise, because this is the true 90s Bowie comeback album, scraping his previous path of greatness with a massively erratic fusion of atmospheric electronics and avant-garde jazz, running all over the place as still one completely lost entity but looking very stylish while it did so. Unfortunately, the issue comes where nobody even noticed its risky maneuvering, many Bowie fans hardly aware of its existence, undoubtably the most overlooked album in his entire catalogue purely due to the 'soundtrack' label which suffocated its merit to death. But I am here to inform you that while it is dizzyingly inconsistent and a bit too noisy for the sake of it, this record feels like the deformed aborted quintuplet from the Berlin Trilogy, back to the experimental and weird Bowie which set the new stage for when our God became God all over again. And it excites me.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 18. The Man Who Sold the World

18. The Man Who Sold the World (1970)

Glam Rock
Spotify


Oh, so you guys remember David? David Bowie? Yeah, he's quite different now. He's on this whole glammy androgynous trip, definitely coming out of his shell, and to be honest, I quite like it. Actually, I really like it, for it was with The Man Who Sold the World that our protagonist found his edge, not only in regards to his bizarre appearance, but also from the hardest, most rocking album he'd produced until this point, and still one of his heaviest offerings to date. His fresh inspiration is not exactly certain, but there is a chance he was losing his mind a bit between the recent death of his father and newly schizophrenic diagnosis of his half-brother, but either way, it worked. Because this record is not only cited as a pioneering influence on the goth culture and the glam scene, but is also all too often rightfully considered Bowie's first true great record. That said, it is still a little "safe" within its oddness for me—a very middle-of-the-road type Bowie which never quite strayed out into the danger zone—but it was getting alarmingly close. And, as we all know, from this point onward music would never be the same again.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 17. Hours...

17. 'Hours...' (1999)

Alternative Rock
Spotify


Opinion on Bowie's twenty-first solo album has been folded down the middle. The opposition called it a boring hole of bland emptiness, accusing it of lacking any edge or quirk, one long underwhelming conventional yawn which made the listener as tired as David sounded. On the other hand, those who made peace with the moody offering welcomed this new restrained, relaxed side of the man, using it like a melodic pillow to delicately dream into space and connect to the murky tranquility of exhaustion, which the album artwork so aptly depicted. And I can appreciate both sides of this argument. However, what so many have failed to acknowledge was how important this easy-listening album was in the greater scheme of the Bowiverse. After finding his footing in the mid-90s and frantically shooting his experimentally panicked jizz all over the show, the calm cleanliness of 'Hours...' was imperative, representing the turning point where Bowie reflected upon himself and no longer found any reasons to bust blood vessels in order to reprove his worth. Rather, he let go, chilled out, and without this well deserved breather, the fantastic collection which followed would have never existed in quite the same way. At least give it some love for that reason.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 16. Let's Dance

16. Let's Dance (1983)

Dance Pop Rock
Spotify


You gotta hand it to Bowie. When he said he wanted a hit, he got a hit, Let's Dance still standing as his best-selling album to date. And it is unquestionably worthy of the success, another fine example of the giant reinventions only this artist could accomplish so well, popping his pompous pimples and instead donning a fake suit stitched from jumbled colours and formulaic disco dance moves, punctuated by one wholesome smile of sneaky sex appeal. However, the quick stick nature of the most commercial Bowie incarnation came with its own hidden demons, and his sudden new fanbase robbed him of the secluded alienation he'd worked so hard to develop, now finally achieving the ever elusive mainstream audience he'd been longing for, yet more uncomfortable than he'd ever been. “It fucked with my integrity,” he later confessed, forcing his palm to cater for this hungry pack of chart junkies, this album single handedly toppling his following releases for many years to come. Still, it's a great record, and if nothing else, one very interesting inclusion for these very same reasons.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 15. The Next Day

15. The Next Day (2013)

Art Rock
Spotify


I, like everyone, nearly suffered a heart attack thanks to this album. The first Bowie in 10 years?? And it's this fucking good!?! Impossible!!! But, no, as with most things Bowie, everything was possible no matter how unusual, and The Next Day was born, a surprisingly aggressive, highly-energetic record amidst heavy health rumours surrounding a substantially older man. What's more, it was a proper classic sounding Bowie, complete with all the nostalgic strangeness and crafty intelligence learned from the past, yet without repeating any formulas, aware of the risks but completely confident in its ability to maintain modern relevance, which naturally shook every music critic to their solar plexus. And nobody—nobody!—could be disappointed with a comeback like that. However, once the initial romantic period wore off, I did start to feel a little despondent about this release. I was more than satisfied, sure, but a little underwhelmed. At times, the album burst open with the creative complexities I had been praying for since I was a child, but at other times, it fell a little dull, uninteresting, and even cringeworthy. Perhaps the comeback-awe had outweighed the actual substance? Just a tad? Maybe? But then again, what does it matter? Bowie was alive, such a relief, and if this is the last thing he ever does, so be it. I'll gratefully accept.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 14. Toy

14. Toy (unreleased 2001; leaked 2011)

Pop Rock

Have you heard this? Have you heard of it? There is a good chance you haven't, because it was tragically never officially released, and for the love of Bowie, I cannot fathom why. For starters, it's a fascinating concept: primarily a compilation record, of sorts, featuring re-recordings of David's earliest songs, the old Bowie re-imagined by the new Bowie, some tracks dating as far back as 1964, these ancient tunes freshly polished until they applied just fine to the right now. And it's such a pleasure to hear these forgotten subdued melodies which musically echo the love of recent fathership whilst preserving the more rockier ideals which were lacking from, say, the preceding overly-mellow Hours, as if gazing in admiration towards one's own past without jeopardising the toughness of wisdom. But, unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be. Due to some label issues, the effort was shelved whilst the ever productive Bowie ran along unfazed, onto the next project, where some of the Toy originals did eventually find their adoptive home (this record often fairly dubbed as Baby Heathen, bless). They should still release it though. I want real artwork.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 13. Heroes

13. "Heroes" (1977)

Experimental Art Rock
Spotify


And here it is: by far the biggest, most recognisable Bowie album that everyone else seems to adore so much more than I do. But before you swear at my inferior tastebuds, please do allow me to emphasise how far down I am willing to bow to this record, completely submissive to its almighty presence. For you must understand, everything surrounding the Berlin Trilogy era is my favourite favourite Bowie work, and I deeply appreciate this dank atmosphere breeding within the absolute thick of this designated time period. The romantic improvisation with Eno is the type of collaborative mysticism I wake up sticky for. The somber Kraftwerk salute does not go unacknowledged. The droney power. The casual inventiveness. These are the things that make Heroes the unadulterated timeless landmark it deserves to be praised for, and I would never dare to confront this. But ... there is just something about it. Something ... mechanical, almost. Soulless. Cold. Emotionless. Meaningless. And while I am sure this was always the intention, it slightly slips through my fingers, and I curse my damn clumsy self rather than accuse Bowie of anything. I don't know why, but I just don't love you like everyone else does. And I am so, so sorry.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 12. Reality

12. Reality (2003)

Alternative Pop Rock
Spotify


Despite working as what anyone would assume to be David's final album ever (until The Next Day disproved this 10 fucking years later), Reality has gone on to be relatively forgotten. The reason for this is easy to deduce: there was simply nothing WOW about this record (except for perhaps the production which is so clear that, at times, it even outshines the artist himself). My take on this result, is that it seems like not many understand Bowie when he isn't wearing his pretentious coat, and this record is as naked and pretensionless as the man gets, working like an acquaintance rather than a best friend, introverted and consumed by its own mortality without any regard to bystanders. But if you reciprocate the respectful love beyond any judgement, it will gladly welcome you into its circle with a genuine warmth, far too sure of itself to alter its natural demeanor on account of your opinions, but willing to share the joke of life with you if you're open to a dabble of euphoric intimacy. And when something vibrates on a level as light as this (without a doubt, the lightest release on this list), it's a mournful mystery as to how anyone could turn their back on an artwork so ageless.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 11. Diamond Dogs

11. Diamond Dogs (1974)

Glam Art Pop Rock
Spotify


Originally conceived as a theatrical musical based around George Orwell's classic novel 1984, the ambitious Diamond Dogs was ultimately denied the rights for such a project, yet the scent of this nightmarishly paranoid concept remained alive and unwell within this album's execution. What's more, this offering also marked the final moment before Bowie jumped the glam ship he'd built once and for all, letting it sink from the excessive weight of copycats while he swam towards more uncharted shores. And it's just as well, really. For even though this release is right up there as one of his highest regarded albums of the whole lot, it was surely his messiest from the glammy pallet, favouring riff-heavy punk-trash ideals and grittier production over the pedantically polished compositions that had come before—by all means, not a bad thing, a welcome rugged change if anything, but definitely an indication that the drugs were restless and craved something new. So whether these reasons, or my discomfort with the dystopian themes, or my opinion that the Halloween Jack character was yet another poor man's Ziggy, this album has never quite stuck with me in the same way as it has everyone else. But I am thankful for the passion all the same.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 10. Outside

10. Outside (1995)

Industrial Art Rock
Spotify


Finally reunited with Eno, and shit got weird again. Telling the obscure barely-linear narrative of a futuristic Art Murder movement where the death of a 14-year-old girl is being investigated, you do not get a Bowie record as indulgent as this one. Originally set to be the first of a five-part series salvaged from a 35 hour improvisational jam session, this textured fuckery is so densely layered with ugly doom that it bloats to a size much bigger than itself, fearful for its own life as it threatens to burst sludge all over the crime scene. Which, as you can imagine, is a tough act to swallow; an exercise in creative freedom yet overwhelming the listener with claustrophobia, the very epitome of Bowiexperimental which improves per each exposure and has not dated in the slightest. So if you like your Bowie poppy, move along as fast as you can. And if you like your Bowie arty, this is the best place to fully challenge that statement. But whatever your taste, Outside is without a doubt the most ambitious, most alienating, and most monstrous project the man has ever done.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 09. Heathen

09. Heathen (2002)

Alternative Art Rock
Spotify


As far as latter day albums go, Heathen is more often than not hailed as a return to form—a comeback album, if you will—where Bowie plays the role of Bowie for a change, giving fans of any part of his spectrum something they could enjoy. And I have no problem with this, as I personally consider Heathen to be David's first real BANG album since the very early 80s, consistently imaginative and effortlessly coherent, may contain traces of grunge. Of course, there is that pesky urge to get all critical and tease this approach for its simplicity and digestibility, but the voice of a child within me shouts with an even louder fondness, thrilled by the instantaneous stick of these playtime nursery-rhymes which are as harmless as they are joyous as they are comforting. Mr Bowie is having fun again, you guys! And it shows! Gosh, who knew that risk-free could sound so good?


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 08. Lodger

08. Lodger (1979)

Art Rock
Spotify


When the Berlin Trilogy came to an end with this album, the public was not impressed. Everyone took it in turns to degrade the work as "weak" and "scattered", some even accusing Bowie of being "out-Bowied" by his new wave children such as Gary Numan or probably some other people. Of course, hindsight has since come along and pointed its wonky finger at those antagonists, saying something like "you're all idiots", because Lodger is one of the artist's greatest achievements to date. While it wasn't as unconventional and experimental as the two previous Berlins, it was still a really fucking demented journey in its own right, and only unsubstantial in the argument against its rapid running time. But even this factor could be seen as an advantage, as we found no waffling here. It was a straight-to-the-point record; a quirky, more earthly "world" vibe; an awkward muddy mix of strange textures and genre-bending darings: all of which have considerably won every critic over in recent years, yet is still shamefully undervalued. Oh, so wait, you're saying Bowie was ahead of his time again? Yeah, big surprise.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 07. Earthling

07. Earthling (1997)

Alternative Dance Rock
Spotify


I will be the first to admit that Earthling is far from perfect. Hell, at times it is even less perfect than many of those below it on this very list. Because nobody is trying to deny that Bowie has never sounded so desperate to be relevant, as he bursts into the party a few years too late and frantically busts out high-speed drum 'n' bass dance moves at risk of popping his hip out in front of the company half his age. Which is why it's best not to take any of this seriously, but rather to appreciate the style-collision as a piss-take on the genre itself, if you want my advice. Of course, the charts naturally had no idea what to do with a release this mental and kinda just left it there, but critics were knocked over by this new dynamically aggressive Bowie, and adored the project no matter how cluttered or ludicrous it may have been. As for me personally, well, I consider it to be one of the most fun and exhilarating records of David's career, partially for what it sounds like, but even more so for what it was trying to do, hence why I publicly claim this to be his most underrated offering by miles.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 06. Aladdin Sane

06. Aladdin Sane (1973)

Glam Art Pop Rock
Spotify


Comparisons to the preceding Ziggy Stardust are unfair but unavoidable, and so I will honour the custom by telling you why Aladdin Sane has always lived in the former's shadow. It's because it was basically the same thing ("Ziggy goes to America," the man in charge once put it), except less conceptual, less character dependent, and a victim to the pressure of Bowie's newfound superstardom—his very first record as a full fledged rockstar. But while the rushed effort has often been accused of having "more style than substance", it really is nearly as good as Bowie's magnum opus, and for reasons of differences rather than similarities. For starters, it's more enthusiastic than its bigger brother; a tougher, more fiery counterpart which blazes with additional sexual freedom and critical urgency. For the main course, it's properly insane (A Lad Insane, geddit?), not like that cooky gnome shit from before, but legitimately schizo without even trying, as if David's recent fame had begun to pick at the seams and he was laughing all the way. But finally, for desert, when you are faced with a creative streak to the quality of David Bowie in 70s, you shouldn't be making demanding comparisons in the first place, but rather shoving your fist into your gaping mouth and thanking your lucky starmen that such art even fucking exists.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 05. The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars

05. The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars (1972)

Glam Pop Rock
Spotify


And then we have this. The big one. The masterpiece. The David Bowie classic. The almost cliché go-to example when debating the artist's strongest work. So much so, that I don't feel too much of a need to bang on about it because you've probably heard it all a thousand times before. That said, I love talking, so watch me go: Ziggy Stardust tells the vague concept about some cosmic alien prophet arriving to save our Earth, which is on the verge of an apocalyptic doom. He preaches his message via the rock 'n' roll medium, and as a result, naturally falls into the pit of drugs and groupies such a profession would entail, ultimately destroying and killing himself by his own consumption, the idol failing miserably at his mission. With such deep social commentary run by the best fictional character in musical history, the magic truly lies in the music itself which could be called the blueprint for all of punk rock, one so consistently and untouchably solid that it's no surprise "Ziggy" is pretty much synonymous with "Bowie" as a household name. Every best-of list ever written agrees that this is one of the greatest albums of all time for a reason, and I do too, for the same reason.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 04. Hunky Dory

04. Hunky Dory (1971)

Glam Pop Art Rock
Spotify


While any similarly respectable list would include this lighter classic in the highest of regards, it holds an extra special position in my own personal Bowie heart, as it proved to be the first of his full albums to really make sense to me, gently breaking my tongue into the excessive obsession we see overly-developed today. Succeeding as David's original masterpiece, Hunky Dory is as optimistic and as cheerful as the title would suggest, a more conventional contribution without endangering any inventiveness, every verse designed to tease and function as pillars to lift the never-failing choruses high above their heads, soaring into a gush of worship, sometimes even for Bowie's own personal heroes (such as Dylan, Warhol, or Reed). For these reasons, I have no apprehension in placing the album on this tremendous pedestal, as it taught me what the man was capable of without depending on experimental peculiarities, and will always be the record I suggest to curious listeners as the best release to ease themselves into the otherwise enormously daunting catalogue from the man.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 03. Station to Station

03. Station to Station (1976)

Art Rock
Spotify


Drugs have always played an integral role in rock 'n' roll development, and no other Bowie record stands as true to this ethic as Station to Station. Living exclusively on a diet of milk, red peppers, and cocaine, David has often stated that he remembers nothing from this recording, as he had all but lost himself in his new character The Thin White Duke, who had possessed the man thanks to his demanding film performance as the alien from The Man Who Fell to Earth. Due to this transformation, Bowie had become haunted by topics such as religious mythology, the occult, and Nazi brainwashing, subsequently exposing this record as nothing less than a cry for help from an artist who was detaching from his core personality one line at a time. But, damn, what a great sounding breakdown it was. And while some songs may outshine others, it still presents itself as a twisted best-of compilation of new experimental material, a groovy post-punkish trauma which apprehensively set the pace for the Berlin era, and even as a single unit, is so fucking mental that I cry tears of astonishment on weaker days. Furthermore, its unique performance has never been accurately mimicked to any satisfying degree by Bowie's musical students, which cannot be said for any other album in his entire catalogue. Because no one would even dare to try make something like this.


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 02. Low

02. Low (1977)

Experimental Art Rock
Spotify


Much like the succeeding Heroes, the original member of the Bowie/Eno Berlin Trilogy was essentially two completely separate albums on one record, working as a single unified arty atmosphere whilst remaining two utterly incomparable entities. The first was the more hyper, happier side of the project: almost incomplete fragments of ideas which never fully realise themselves as true songs, yet still playfully shimmer within their nintendo madness, featuring one the freshest drum sounds in all of music, period. The second was the more ambient, ominous side of the project: almost exclusively instrumental, lengthy compositions which pushed the boundaries of pop ethics to such adventurous regions that it's no surprise this release overwhelmed initial listeners to keep their money in their pockets. But like all great Bowies, Low has grown exponentially in critics' eyes over time, and the eclectic mix of joyous bounces meeting somber drownings is often considered one of the (if not, the) greatest David Bowie in existence—more than likely owed to how many modern day artists have completely stolen the style, whether they are aware of it or not. Simply put, it's perfect, and is always a tenacious contender for my all time favourite favourite favourite. If only it wasn't for...


The Top 50 Albums of 2014: 01. Scary Monsters (and Super Creeps)

01. Scary Monsters (and Super Creeps) (1980)

Art Pop Rock
Spotify


There are hundreds of reasons as to why I consider this to be Bowie's climax, but what it comes down to is that this beast marked the end of the greatest, most inventive creative streak in the history of popular music. In the 70s, Bowie had proven that he was not one of us humans by morphing into various eerie characters who pioneered genres without dwelling on them, forever reshaping every aspect of his art whilst ricocheting his demented influence into the skulls of any oblivious spectators. However, with Scary Monsters, it was as if Bowie had paused to offload a summary of everything he'd learned from the past decade (and, as you may know, he learned a lot) and then aggressively fisted all the ugly theatrics and vigorous rock principles into one violently peculiar package. And this was no accident. The nightmare energy of this record was a methodical development, no time for improvisation or experimental risks, rather a purposeful calculation designed to be as witty as it was scary, as charming as it was evil, and as sexual as it was rapey. As a result, this is the most consistent and balanced Bowie I have ever met, as well as unarguably his final masterpiece, so much so that every decent release since has automatically been slapped with the "Best Album Since Scary Monsters!" sticker, a curse the man will never, ever be liberated from. And that's ok with me.

Read This Next Maybe

Dear David Bowie
Dear David Bowie