Thursday, 3 March 2011

How To Be Cool (by Jared Woods)

Man, I am so fucking cool, ask anyone. People walk up to me and ask “How are you so cool, Jared?” and then I just walk away. Because that’s how cool I am. Fucking cool mate.

That said, there is a formula to being as cool as me. And as one of the three people who actually read my blog, I am going to share this knowledge with you.

It is as simple as finding out what cool stuff everyone else loves, and then rejecting it. Talk about how uncool the thing is that everybody else thinks is cool. Conversely, you can also find the thing that everyone hates, and then openly embrace it. They just don’t get it. They aren't cool enough.

At some point, something might go from cool to uncool or visa-versa. This is not your time to say “I told you so”, that’s lame. Instead, you must swiflty change your mind and reject popular opinion once again. And if people are all like “but I thought you said...”, just walk away. Because that’s how cool you are. Fuck, you are cool.

In summary: contradict everything everyone says. Be purposefully uncool and be cocky about it at high volumes. Be proud. And talk about your genitals as much as possible in public places because people love that shit.

I hope this helps your shit life. You still won’t be as cool as me tho, due to the following things:

First and foremost, I just launched the blog I Am The Reincarnation Of John Lennon. I think it's one of my best ones, so I hope you read it and love it and believe every word.
I also did a few little tweaks to the site in general. If you’ve been here before, you may notice that the News and the Blogs sections are now neatly sitting within the site. No longer do they pop-out into a new Blogger window, which I think makes for a better user experience. There are a few other things you might not have noticed too, like the favicon next to the web address at the top of your browser, or how I actually did some fixing for the fucking Internet Explorer users (fuck you). All in all, it’s better.
But one of the coolest things is the BRAND NEW SECTION where I list my favourite 2011 albums as they happen. Updated almost every day, I am proud of it. And it helps that February was one of the best months of music EVER, giving us Radiohead’s The King Of Limbs; PJ Harvey’s Let England Shake; James Blake’s self titled masterpiece; Nicolas Jaar’s Space Is Only Noise; and Ghostpoet’s Peanut Butter Blues And Melancholy Jam (to name but-a-few).
I pretty much already know what my next 3 blogs will be, but have no idea how long they will take due to:

I have been working very hard, and am proud to say that 3 of the tracks are pretty much 99% written, the 1% being intentional, allowing some room to continue the magic until the very end. The final track is sooo close, but has something wrong and needs a bit of minor surgery. March will be spent practising these songs and making the website, and April will see the vocal recording process happen. Tie up loose ends in May, launch in June or (at very latest) July. That’s the plan anyway.
I am so amped about this.

A few weeks ago, I actually sat down and wrote 6 chapters. This might seem like a lot, but they are pretty short and there will be like a hundred of them. The point is that I have started, and I owe it all to Keith Richards and his book Life, which was amazing and totally helped me out. I realise now that reading Autobiographies will inspire me to write this, and I intend to read nothing else from now on.

Recently, our housemate Sutchy upped and left The East Village, so we have frantically spent all of our resources trying to find a replacement. This has caused more stress and conflict than you could imagine, but we settled on a guy named Henry and things should resume to normal soon. Ammr is working on a big thing for us, Ash is involved with a side project, and Kris has been “slaving away” at the Yes Man video. But between us (me and Kris particularly) another cool idea is being developed and I am hoping something will sperm out this month (maybe?).

I have answered a few new questions, the most notable was another Matthew creation where I had to draw a comic of a Rusk and an Asshole Pengiun having a fight. Look here.
I am currently on 299 questions, and some awesome people have given me 17 new ones to pick from for my 300th. It will hopefully get answered next week, where I plan to do a machine gun session and answer a fuckload of them in a few short days. Thanks guys!

Midnight Mixtape is a website less famous than me, but they often ask me to write album reviews for them. I was more than happy to do so when the new Radiohead came out, and the feedback has been rad. Please read it! It was hard to work with word-limitations and trying to sound professional (and I could have done better) but at least my writings are leaking onto other peoples sites now.

Ok, that’s enough. Follow me on Twitter, I will save your life.

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