Friday, 19 October 2012

Another 10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter

When you are writing the third sequel to a blog which was never really that good in the first place, the whole concept can feel a little bit unnecessary. But as you get older, you begin to run out of ideas and have to rehash the old ones, justifying this fact by telling yourself you "know more things now" and you "can do better this time".
But before we begin, I'd like to point out that the only worthwhile person to follow on Twitter is me. So go on. Follow me. Right now, though, I'm serious. Click on that link and follow me. I'm not fucking around. Do it.
Did you do it? If the answer is "no", go right back to the beginning of this article and start reading again until you can pass this point. If the answer is "yes" - congratulations! Your life has just begun! I won't let you down, I swear! Now, follow these people:

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: 10. Big Ben

10. Big Ben

Time Itself

Some of the best of accounts have dud posts. Hell, even in all my advanced intelligence and prophetic foresight, I have been known to Tweet things that nobody seems to respond to (not because they weren’t funny, mind you, but because people are so below me that they just didn't get it). However, Big Ben Clock is the only account on the planet which I enjoy every single tweet from.
It won’t mean much to you if you don’t live within the London timezone (much like the real Big Ben itself, I suppose) but if you do, you might as well throw your wristwatch away right now and just follow this account. On the hour, every hour, this clock bongs out to the Twitterverse, reminding you guys that it is time. Time for what? Time for whatever, man. I cringe to imagine how many times I would have missed my lunch hour without this profile.

Recent Tweets

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: 09. Text-Based Instagram

09. Text-Based Instagram

ascii hipster

When Facebook bought Instagram for $1billion, I knew my life was over. How that much money could exist for a photographic program which has been generalized as a “Hipster App” made me rethink my existence. Maybe the hipsters knew where it was at all along? Maybe the rest of us were the idiots?
Regardless, one thing is definitely true: Instagram is very good at fucking your shit photos in such a retro way that you may even fool your friends into thinking you are a good photographer. No talent necessary! Now you can pull your duck face and it seems classy! Now you can take photos of your dinner and pretend it was cooked in the 70’s! Because, let’s face it, that’s what is cool these days.
But if a picture speaks a thousand words, how many words does 140 characters speak? Why would we want to look at these horrific photos in the first place, when we could rather just read about them instead? Am I right? At least reading is good for you.

Recent Tweets
Young teenage offspring taking a high angled shot of their cleavage in a cosmetic speckled bathroom mirror.
Four girls in a circle taking a picture of their feet
Two best friends performing a photo shoot as if it's their last night on earth.
Girl flipping off the camera. Caption, "YOLO"
Girls freshly painted toenails as they flaunt their gross ass feet.

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: 08. Terrible Novel

08. Terrible Novel

One Long Story. One Random Line at a Time.

Writing is hard - take it from me. I wrote this whole article, start to finish, and at no point did I have any confidence in what I was doing. It’s like, I think I’m being very clever and funny, and then I reread what I said and it doesn’t make sense. Goddamn apostrophe got me again. It’s supposed to indicate possession, isn’t it? Goes before the “s”? Oh, except if the word already ends with an “s”, then it goes on the end. I think. Wait, except when you talk about the word “its”, because it doesn’t want possession - it is the exception. Unless it is “it is”, which becomes the contraction “it’s” with the apostrophe, right? Whatever, I better spell check this thing. But how can I even be sure that it was successful? It's not foolproof. God forbid I make the “you’re/your” mistake, because Twitter people go on about that so much that I’ve forgotten which is which. But they will still never let it go. Wait, now I'm confused, what was I even talking about? I've been looking at these words for so long that none of them seem spelt right. Is this even English?
You see my problem? These are the reasons why I am yet to attempt to write a novel. There are far too many pages in a novel, which leaves massive room for error. Luckily, some are braver than others, which brings me finally to this account. Spitting out Tweet after Tweet, each one of these updates give us a line from an upcoming Terrible Novel, which may or may not exist. I mean, the story itself seems erratic and non-linear, but personally I think it’s brilliant. Oprah book club shit. I’d buy it, is what I’m saying. His punctuation is impeccable.

Recent Tweets
Miriam pulled a dusty drop cloth off heaps of forgotten family heirlooms. Amidst it all she saw... a frosty sixer of Bud Light? But how?
The lustrous moon hung low in the sky. Mrs. Pettingbone called the children to see its stunning glory. "Yeah, great," they said. "The moon."
The more she ran, the more she felt like ranning.
His soul slithered down through cracked earth and soil to Hell where he was handed a credit card and told to "be reasonable."
The landfill smelled all right. For a landfill.

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: 07. Anti Joke Book

07. Anti Joke Book

This is a Twitter Account

Anti humour is the new humour, and if you don’t think so, stick to your sickipediabot, loser. However, if you do think so, then you and me should get married because, personally, I am sick of laughing at punchlines. I prefer my punchlines to laugh at me, and then (depending on my mood), I may laugh back or even sob about my miserable existence. I’m so lonely.
Life is not a joke, but rather a bunch of observations. It’s like the Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road theory - it doesn’t need to be funny in order to be funny. Or does it? At what point does the point point to pointless, or was that always the point in the first point? It doesn’t matter. I like this account. This is because (for the most part) it sticks to the script and only delivers predictable anti-Tweets for me and me alone. I say “for the most part” (and the only reason why I didn't place it any higher on this list) because sometimes it does seem to slip off the tracks and post what I would consider a "normal joke”. At first this pissed me off majorly - I didn’t sign up for this shit! Until I realised that a REAL joke within an ANTI joke account is like THE BIGGEST ANTI JOKE EVER. My God, when will it end?

Recent Tweets
What did the black guy do with his M&Ms? Eat them.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
Why can't Michael Jackson play chess? He's dead.
A lion walks into a bar... Several people get up and leave predicting the impending danger at hand.
What is the difference between 10 and 3? 7.

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: 06. Dubstep Island

06. Dubstep Island

Reality Twitter

The big cheese studio executive walks into the room and slams his mug of coffee down onto the desk. “We need a new show, people! Ratings are in the toilet! Are we a company of monkeys or professional writers here?” he spits, as the monkey quietly leaves the room. The token blond girl clears her throat and excitedly holds up a pie-chart which has no labels.
“Well sir, we have been brainstorming for the last 32 seconds, and have all come to the conclusion that our viewers have real lives, yet they don’t actually enjoy these real lives at all. They need someone to live a real life for them in order to give them a sense of existence. And that’s why we believe there is not enough Reality TV on our network.” She smiles at her superior smugly until she realises that he is waiting for her to continue, and so she abruptly sits down. The rest of the suits fidget nervously.
“Reality TV?” the boss questions. “You mean... like, Survivor? I like Survivor.”
The room notices the sparkle in his eye and recognize this as the sign to strike. Slowly they begin to clap as if their leader had come up with the idea himself. He beams with pride for a second, and then raises his hands to quieten them down.
“This is going smashingly well,” he informs the table. “But we need a better angle. Our current age demographic consists of mid-40 housewives and hospital patients. We need something that the kids can relate to. What... do kids like?”
The room falls silent and nervous. Except for Brad, none of them had kids, and even his son had died at a young age from neglect. None of them knew what it was like to be a child. Jennifer wasn't even a child at birth.
The tension is unbearable until the new guy Willie clears his throat and everyone turns to him. “Don’t they like... uhm, dubstep, or something?”
Silence again. A few mumbles here and there, and then a huge roar as everyone realises that this is it. This is what all the children like these days. It was definitely what all the children like. They had all said so on the internets.
“Yes! Yes, dubstep!” the boss shouts as everyone stands up and dances. “This was my best idea yet! We should take all the biggest dubstep DJs and put them on an island! Just like Survivor! I like Survivor!”
Everyone cheers and Craig pops a mini bottle of champagne that he had hidden in his sock. Jennifer starts to make out with Sarah and a few of the surrounding men get their cocks out, ready for a full fledged orgyfest, until Nolan shouts “WAIT!”
They all pause, confused. How dare this junior interrupt their fun time? They would have insulted him right there too, except they could see in his eyes that he had an idea.
“What if... instead of putting this on TV... we put the whole thing on Twitter..?” And in that moment, the boss' head grew purple and exploded. It was the greatest thing he had ever heard in his life.
Please Note: Dubstep Island is currently on a midseason break, so I have no idea when it will return.

Recent Tweets
Skrillex is soaked after trying to use lily pads to traverse a pond "like in computer games."
Every time Squarepusher tries to play slap bass, a herd of goats approaches and stares at him menacingly through the trees.
The islanders gather round to watch two dogs having sex. "Which one is the boy?" asks James Blake.
Missing his iPad, Diplo makes a catapult and starts firing dead birds at Deadmau5's pet wild pig. "Why won't it burst? WHY WON'T IT BURST?"
Kode9 finds the source of the island's mysterious power, but it turns out to be anticlimactic and leaves several key plot points unresolved

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: 05. PreSchool Gems

05. Preschool Gems

Aw Cute, Children Words

If someone like my mom, for example, suddenly woke up and worked out what the internet was, joining Twitter in the process, I’d block her immediately. I'd tell her I didnt know what she was talking about. But if she asked me what accounts she should follow, I might have a hard time pointing her in any safe direction. You see, for me Twitter is one endless stream of sex jokes mixed amongst a bunch of people I am afraid to unfollow because then they may unfollow me back. It’s a numbers game. But every now and then, I have come across something which spans all age groups and humour lines, and those are the ones you should follow, Mum. I’m impressed I managed to stick to the topic there.
Kids say the darndest things, right? And that’s the premise of Leslie McCollom’s account, where she (as a preschool teacher) hears these cute little quotes on a daily basis and then Tweets them for the rest of us who don’t want children. Hell, she even made a book out of it, which means she is EXPLOITING these poor kids for MONEY, and they probably don’t have enough smarts to even understand the concept, proving once again that children are STUPID and adults are FUCKING CLEVER.

Recent Tweets
"I looked in the mirror and saw one of my intestines!"
"I don't want to go to outer space because it's too dark for me!"
"I'm a zebra fairy, and zebra fairies do LOTS of gymnastics."
"I just went poop and then all my clothes fell off."
"Purpose things happen."

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: 04. Every Tweet Ever

04. Every Tweet Ever

Social Networking In General

“I don’t get Twitter. Is it just like Facebook status updates, except shorter?” - ever heard this one? I said it once myself, until I discovered that if you roasted Twitter over an open flame, mixed it with a bit of water and then shot it directly into your vein, it became quite addictive after all. I’m physically dependent on it to be honest, but it’s such a social(network)ly accepted drug, that nobody seems to judge its users. Thank God! They took away my heroin and my child, but they will never get my Twitter!
But the sad fact is that there is a lot of crap out there, generally from the schmucks who treat Twitter like it is Facebook and post about their goddamn boring lives as if anyone gives a fuck. How do these people even have followers?? Some of them have more followers than me! Am I maybe missing the point? No, I have a better idea. Let's unfollow all of those people. Each one of those gym-attending-attention-seeking-dinner-posting-relationship-whining fucks. Just unfollow them like it ain’t no thang. Then, follow this account. Because it is every single one of those types rolled into one cliché and compact ball of unimaginative blahhh. Each Tweet will set off the disaster alarm that you’ve heard it somewhere before, but you can relax in the knowledge that it was meant in irony, and irony is funny. Go on. Make Twitter a better place. Don’t encourage mediocrity. Streamline your life. Kill your friends.

Recent Tweets
Women are one way. Men are another! I am so lonely.
#ff people who seem to have forgotten about me maybe this will work hi hi hi
Thanks for helping me get to that milestone follower count, everyone. You all mean that much less to me now, percentage-wise.
My significant other just did the sweetest thing! I'm so lucky, and you're not.

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: 03. who is dubstep

03. who is dubstep

Demystifying the World Wide Wub

We live in confusing times. In modern society, it’s hard to find answers to our complicated questions. If only we had an advanced tool which could scour through the endless content living on the internet. Why hasn’t anyone invented some kind of an engine like this yet, which could effortlessly search the web? It’s actually unbelievable that this doesn’t exist, there is probably a lot of money in that idea. But instead, we are left to ask these nagging questions to the universe itself, such as: is Gangnam Style dangerous? Is Nicki Minaj a real person? And most importantly - who is dubstep?
Thankfully, one very clever fella has taken it upon himself to investigate the latter. At first he may seem like an ordinary guy who works at London Shoe Express, but do not be fooled by his misspelt ramblings - this kid has some real deep thoughts. Sometimes his thoughts run so deep that he can ask 3 substantial questions in just one Tweet, and I don’t think anyone can call that average. And while his main focus revolves around who dubstep may be, it is not limited to this whatsoever. All I can say is that you are probably not prepared to have your third eye opened to the mysteries of smartphones or Tesco ham quite like this - no one could be. But if you are as clever as me, you might relate, and even if you feel overwhelmed, at least you know that you are not alone on this big scary planet.

Recent Tweets
who invented lol
instead of webcams grandad says they use to draw pictures of himself and fax them and it took a month to get there
if i cuold be any geogrphical feature id be a hill
which synth has the best wifi
what did the lfo say to the drum machine can you help im trying to become dubstep comedian but cant think of a punchline

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: 02. Free Facts

02. Free Facts

The Best Things In Life Are Powerful

One thing Twitter has enough of, is PEOPLE. A close second would be Fact Accounts. I follow a few, and they generally help my day to day depression with the weird and wonderful happenings from around the world, which I may not have otherwise known about (even if so many of them just source wikipedia).
But Free Facts is different. Not only is it 100% free (!!) unlike all those other paid-for Twitter accounts, but it also always posts the most amazing and genuine facts in the world - to the point that I wonder how many scholars use it to complete all their homework and then become the life of the party. I know I do. What’s more, they also run a tumblr account where each of these mind blowing facts are accomonied with a proper relevant image and shit. How the fuck is this free?? Somebody is losing money here, surely.

Recent Tweets
Tony Robbins can convince himself to have an orgasm
Racism officially ended in 1982
For centuries humans were too stupid to invent computers
Jewish people believe that everything in the universe is made of pudding
The world slowly gets more futuristic

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: 01. Gus the Fox

01. Gus The Fox

bit of a cunt, really.

When I first moved to London, I figured everything would be cool. Coming from South Africa, I finally felt safe. I was sick of people stabbing me in the morning with AIDS infested knives whilst I was trying to get into my car. I was bored of sleeping on the pavement when the cops beat the shit out of me and I couldn’t see through my bloodied eyes to get home. London seemed like the dream place: a first world paradise where hot girls had bad teeth and the sun only came 4 days a year. But I had no idea...
Within the first week, it happened. I walked out my front door in my dressing gown, eating my All-Bran, when I nearly vomited. My trash had been torn to shreds. Chicken bones and used condoms and cum tissues were strewn all over the street in a random fashion. My mouth opened to scream but only the cereal fell out, and I looked to my old lady neighbour in shock. She just nodded slowly. “Foxes,” she said. “You better clean this mess up.” Fucking foxes mate! They are the worst! And now they are using Twitter? We are losing the battle!!!

Recent Tweets
A centipede just strolled out of the end of my penis like it's the most natural thing in the world. Fuck off mate. I'm not a bloody hotel.
Just found a white dog turd. Nice little blast from the past.
Just accidentally pissed in my own face.
Trapped inside a bin, whimpering. Every time someone comes and tries to help me I bite their hand because I'm a dick.
Had a dream last night about a hen with a really long ponytail. It was fucking long. I woke up in floods of tears.

The inevitable time has come to say goodbye. Don't pout, darling, it's unattractive. Rather just keep going and read something else on my site. There is enough material and my jokes are really really funny. Especially if you ignore the fact that I am stranded in my own insecurities and desperately hungry for attention. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, for I am sure one day I will grow up into something special. Maybe I'll understand the entire universe. Maybe all of its wobbly vibrations will make total sense to me and no one else. Perhaps the general unknowns of vast existence will only become apparent to a chosen few, and I will be one of those. But for now, you can just fuck right off, basically.
Did you like my conclusion? Did you? Did you see what I did there? Each sentence was based on one of the above Twitter accounts! In order! Yes! I'm so clever! But in all seriousness, you can fuckoff now.

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