This Is Not Consensual

Alright children, settle down, we have a lot to get through today. I SAID FUCKING SETTLE DOWN. Please may I direct your attention to the following:

JUICE NOTHING
Since the last time we spoke, two of my best writings this year were swiftly posted among these very pages. In case you missed them, allow me to inform you what they were:

The Top 50 Greatest Albums Ever (according to me)
As the introduction for this massive body of work suggested, I started this blog a long time ago (I have found evidence of it existing in August 2011, which in reality means some time before that even) but it was just too big of a task to finish in any reasonable time, so I folded it up and put it away. Until recently. I must say it was one of my most worked on pieces, as I spent a long time perfecting each and every sentence, even reading the whole thing out-loud to myself on one occasion. Some people have said some shit (see the comments) but I am proud of it and it’s racking up a decent amount of hits, so good vibrations all around.

The Triangular Theory Of Love
I actually just posted this short story only seconds ago.
The origins of this piece somewhat started with this recently answered (but very very old) Formspring question. I was challenged to write the most disgusting thing I could muster, and found I just couldn’t do it. So I closed down my account, never to return.
A few months after the fact, however, a small idea hit me about a torturous scene, and I began to play with it in my head whilst I played with myself. But after the huge Top 50 Albums Of 2011 Reinterpreted as Short Stories fiasco, I was all short-storied out. I was also a bit sick of how all my stories seemed to end up (i.e: everyone dies and it’s fucking miserable). That’s when I got the idea to write a children’s story with more friendly characters and some kind of a moral. That seemed much more interesting to me.
And then I got the best idea of all: to merge these two stories... INTO ONE STORY! OMG! INSTANT ERECTION WHICH IS STILL GOING TO THIS DAY!
I knew I was onto something, but it was still a big task, and as a result I worked on it since like January, I think. But this was by no means a painful task, and it pretty much wrote itself (as all good writing should). Fast forward to now, here it is, by far the greatest short story (or anything) I have ever written. I am so goddamn proud of it. I don’t care that it’s super long, because books are super long and no one complains. I don’t care that less than 10 people will read it, because I’ve read it, and you are missing out. I don’t care that I sound conceited, because I am in love with it.
On a quick side note, I want to point out that (as per usual) I struggled to name the characters, so I used the facebook method once again, and here is proof of that:

So don’t blame me if you don’t like it, blame fate.
Finally (and probably the biggest news to do with all of this) it does means Formspring is open once again for business. I still have 16 or so questions waiting from last year, but they are pretty shit so it won’t take long to mow through them. Ask me stuff kids!

Last time I updated this news thingie, I spoke about how I wanted to chill out for the rest of 2012, but fuck me, I just can’t seem to do that. Something is wrong with me. The evidence is in the fact that I am attempting (ATTEMPTING) to write 4 more articles before the end of the year, which is hectic because it’s October. The first one will come out at the end of this month, the second one, next month. If that doesn’t happen though, I am so fucking sorry, pay me. Then in December there will The Top 50 Albums Of 2012, According to Me (which is chill because I have already written bits about 59 worthy entries) and Dear 2012. I hope this is satisfactory. If not, try these:


THE FUNPOWDER PLOT
Yet another Funpowder video has cropped up which Kris mostly put together, which goes by the name of Nuestra Casa Summer Boat Party 2012. People seem to love this shit, so you might as well take a look yourself.
From here, there will be a new video at the end of the month especially designed for Halloween. Please don’t think I am joking when I say I am beyond afraid of it coming out. It could very well be the last thing you ever see of me due to some very serious consequences, you will see. But whatever, what’s the meaning of life anyway? Anyone?
Otherwise, not too sure. Talk of a documentary, talk of a music video, talk of sex, talk of drugs, talk of a bunch of shit that has nothing to with anything. Regardless, as 2012 wraps itself up, I think we can all be very satisfied with FPP. Handshakes and back-pats for all involved.
Finally:


COMING DOWN HAPPY
Literally just yesterday, fellow Funpowder Plotter The Freewheelin' Troubadour asked me to play a gig at a farewell party he is organizing. I was totally against it, but he has a way with words and managed to convince me. The only issue is that it's this fucking friday! So if you don't have plans yet - please come! Should be interesting.
Otherwise, I am adamant that there will be 2 new songs released before the end of 2012, completely unrelated and very different to The White EP (which is what I am officially calling it now). It will be a single called I Sold Out (which is exactly what it sounds like), as well as a b-side which will be a cover song that I’m not telling you about just yet. The instrumentals are 90% done and discussions about recording vocals are taking place, I think. I expect a late November/early December release. Don’t get too excited, it’s crap.
After which, I literally have a 4-5 year plan for this project, which includes a total of 3 full-lengths; 3-4 EPs; 2-3 Singles; a comic book and a game. I won’t go into too much detail, except that after the I Sold Out single, I will be focusing on releasing The Black EP (which is what I am officially calling the sequel to the last EP now) in 2013, and then all work will go towards the temporarily named “Loop Project”. This is very exciting. I will be creating 16 loops very quickly, and then will pick the best 8. Those chosen ones will each be turned into full songs, and from that I will pick the best 4 and make an EP out of them. The remaining 4 will go onto a b-side EP or something. Either way, it’s guaranteed to be awesome, because duh.


Anyways, that is all from me. Back to the basement, check you okes later.
Jared


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