That Band vs. Band Thang

Originally Written: 04/02/10

Hell Yeah, Boxing.

I like music. And I like people who like music. But more than anything, I like people who get angry and like to fight about music. Because I like doing that too.

This gave me the brilliant idea of posting a survey on facebook which placed some of the greatest bands known to man head-to-head in battle. I tagged 100 of my friends and asked them to have their say, hoping at least 50 of them would partake. It was here I realized that I am not quite as popular as I like to believe, as only 23 of them filled it out. That's ok though, I don't mind, and I cheerfully got the remaining votes from the greatest music community on the planet, RateYourMusic.

This is what happened:

01. Sex Pistols vs. The Clash

Winner: The Clash
I CONCUR

Pssst: Dear People-Who-Voted-For-The-Sex-Pistols... Have you seen Johnny Rotten on any good reality TV shows lately? How about his stint promoting Country Life Butter? Where's your Punk now bitches?? The Clash owns, hands down, case closed, thank you.

02. Tupac Shakur vs. The Notorious B.I.G.

Winner: Tupac Shakur
I CONCUR

Tupac not only sold more records than B.I.G. but also claimed to have slept with Faith Evans, Biggie's wife at the time. Points there mate. At the end of the day they both got shot, so let this be a lesson to you kids - don't listen to Hip-Hop.

03. Bob Dylan vs. Johnny Cash

Winner: Bob Dylan
I CONCUR

Hey, so did I tell you about the time I saw Bob Dylan live? Yeah, cos I did. And by "saw Bob Dylan live " I mean I saw a miniature blurry figure on a stage a million miles away, but he was there. And so was I, so I think I actually win in the end.

04. Tenacious D vs. Flight Of The Conchords

Winner: Flight Of The Conchords
I CONCUR

Once upon a time there was a really funny actor named Jack Black who started a band with a guy named Kyle Gass, got Dave Grohl to play drums and released a debut album that everyone loved. So then they decided to go one step further, and make an entire movie and an album about the "Pick of Destiny", which was almost funny, but really pretty shit. Flight Of The Conchords, on the other hand, are still awesome and got more votes, so yeah.

05. Britney Spears vs. Lady Gaga

Winner: Lady Gaga
I DISAGREE

Gaga is so hot right now. I mean, Britney has Toxic, probably the greatest pop song in the last 10 years, but I guess she doesn't have the fancy costumes and make-up? Don't get me wrong, I love Lady Gaga, but until she shaves her head and attacks a car with an umbrella, I'm not convinced. Unless the rumours about her having a penis are true, then yeah, I'm convinced.

06. Fatboy Slim vs. The Chemical Brothers

Winner: The Chemical Brothers
I CONCUR

I was always disappointed that Fatboy Slim was much more Slim than Fatboy. I kinda felt like I was lied to. Whereas I am pretty sure The Chemical Brothers take lots of drugs, and therefore seem like the more honest choice.

07. Metallica vs. Slayer

Winner: Metallica
I DISAGREE

But... but... I thought everyone hated Metallica? Don't you guys remember when they sued Napster? Slayer will eat your PC before they even knew how to turn it on. Or how about Lars' snare sound on St Anger? Whereas Dave Lombardo was reaching 210 beats per minute on the Reign in Blood album (fact). Doesn't this mean anything to you people? SLAYER WOULD DRAIN METALLICA'S BLOOD AND MAKE A SHRINE WITH IT but I guess I have no proof of that.

08. Blur vs. Oasis

Winner: Blur
I CONCUR

Ah, the age old Battle Of Britpop, heavily debated between NME readers with cool hair since 1995. I honestly thought Oasis would win this round, but I'm glad to see we are all on the same page here. And while Noel Gallagher has quit to pursue a solo career (a move that is bad news to both Gallagher's careers) Damon Albarn has his band The Good, the Bad & the Queen to keep us happy. Oh, and did I mention Gorillaz? Yeah, he also has Gorillaz.

09. Jack Johnson vs. Regina Spektor

Winner: Regina Spektor
I CONCUR

Most surprised by this one. I was almost certain that you people had no idea who Regina was and have been bracing myself to explain to you slowly why she is my favourite female artist right now (subject to change whenever). So I'm impressed with ya'll, but now I feel it is important to say that Jack Johnson makes me very happy and I would buy him beer.

10. John Lennon vs. Paul McCartney

Winner: John Lennon
I CONCUR

Paul McCartney is the most successful songwriter in the history of popular music, fact, according to The Guinness Book of Records. He has 60 gold discs and sales of 100 million singles. His song Yesterday is listed as the most covered song in history by over 3,500 artists so far, and has been played more than 7,000,000 times on American television and radio. He was responsible for 32 number one singles on the U.S. Hot 100 chart. He is the only artist to reach the UK number one as a soloist ("Pipes of Peace"), duo ("Ebony and Ivory" with Stevie Wonder), trio ("Mull of Kintyre", Wings), quartet ("She Loves You", The Beatles), quintet ("Get Back", The Beatles with Billy Preston) and as part of a musical ensemble for charity (Ferry Aid). But John Lennon was the second coming, so that is all.

11. Cradle Of Filth vs. Dimmu Borgir

Winner: Cradle Of Filth
I CONCUR

I did once try to crucify a virgin whilst listening to Dimmu Borgir, but it just wasn't the same.

12. Massive Attack vs. Portishead

Winner: Portishead
I CONCUR

I'm sorry guys, I know this was hard, the two Bristol Trip-Hop Heavy-Weights against each other. It was rude of me to ask but at least it is all over. However, it stands to point out that Massive Attack reached their peak in 1998 with Mezzanine. 10 years later, Portishead released Third, and it was so good that I puked on my lap right before I had my first ever epileptic fit. Good times.

13. Guns N' Roses vs. Faith No More

Winner: Guns N' Roses
I DISAGREE

You can't get much closer than this really. Look, Axl is a twat, but I think that is his whole appeal or something? Anyways, Faith No More just reunited, Guns N' Roses replaced every member, and I hate change, so I disagree.

14. Frank Sinatra vs. Elvis Presley

Winner: TIED
I VOTED FOR ELVIS

This... is... AWESOME. Because you can't decide! You just can't! There is no way! Everything else is shit besides for these 2 guys! Everything! Especially YOUR MOM.

15. Rihanna vs. Beyonce

Winner: Beyonce
I DISAGREE

I used to love Beyonce, until she was all up in my face telling me to "put a ring on it"?? Damn lady, and you wonder why the divorce rate is so high? Her ass is big anyway.
UPDATE: I fucked up the statistics here. Beyonce was 54%. My bad, and I apologise.

16. Muse vs. Placebo

Winner: Muse
I CONCUR

Yeah, ok, Muse has talent, but that chick who sings for Placebo is much hotter.

17. Eminem vs. Jay-Z

Winner: Eminem
I CONCUR

Why didn't you guys vote for Jay-Z? Is it cos he is black? Or do you prefer the guy who talks about slitting his wife's throat whereas Jay-Z is happily married to Beyonce? Personally, I dig the way Eminem got sexual with Borat at the MTV Music awards, I haven't actually ever heard his music.

18. The Beatles vs. The Rolling Stones

Winner: The Beatles
I CONCUR

Everytime someone tells me that they prefer The Rolling Stones, I just remind them that The Stones' second single (I Wanna Be Your Man) and their first ever song to reach the UK Top 15 was actually written by The Beatles themselves.

19. Lily Allen vs. The Streets

Winner: The Streets
I DISAGREE

The funniest thing about this one is how almost everyone who voted for The Streets apologized to me for doing so, hahaha. Yes, I voted for Lily, but it was a hard one. Put it this way: I have never bought an album from Allen, but I have bought the first 3 of Mike Skinner's releases. That said, I have never made a website trying to meet Mike Skinner, so that means something I am sure.

20. Queen vs. David Bowie

Winner: David Bowie
I CONCUR

Freddie Mercury is a God, but David Bowie is an alien from Mars trying to save us all with music. It's a tough call, but at least David didn't die of AIDS you know? Ha, just kidding Freddie, you know I love you.

21. The Red Hot Chili Peppers vs. Queens Of The Stone Age

Winner: TIED
I VOTED FOR THE PEPPERS

I found this very tough. While The Queens were one of the pioneers of stoner rock, The Peppers have more letters in their name. In all honesty, until Josh Homme's releases an Autobiography detailing how he did Heroin when he was 10 years old, my vote stays with The Peppers. But this was very interesting indeed.

22. Madonna vs. Michael Jackson

Winner: Michael Jackson
I CONCUR

I bet you would've voted for Madonna if she had just DIED TOO RIGHT?? No? Yeah, me neither I suppose.

23. The Pixies vs. Nirvana

Winner: Nirvana
I CONCUR

This was the hardest one for me, and a lot of you commented how difficult you found it as well. Nirvana did change my life, but I really can't talk anymore about this because it hurts too much.

24. Nine Inch Nails vs. Marilyn Manson

Winner: Nine Inch Nails
I CONCUR

I used to be in love with Manson, but has he released anything of any relevance in the last 7 years? No not really. Whereas Trent has released 7 albums in the last 7 years (if you split up the Quadruple Ghost recordings). Oh, and Trent did sign Manson to his Nothing Record Label before Manson had any luck finding a deal, so I have no problem with this one.

25. The Doors vs. Pink Floyd

Winner: Pink Floyd
I DISAGREE

Each to their own, but everytime I listen to Pink Floyd, this little voice in my head flares up and won't go away. It tells me to hurt myself, and my therapist said I had to stop playing Floyd in my room at night or she wouldn't see me anymore.

26. Radiohead vs. Coldplay

Winner: Radiohead
I CONCUR

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I have no idea why I asked, sorry.

27. Robbie Williams vs. Justin Timberlake

Winner: Justin Timberlake
I CONCUR

It's a tough one, because while JT did break Britney's well-publicized virginity, Robbie slept with 3 out of 5 Spice Girls. And while Take-That were bad, *Nsync made me want to cut myself. But Justin dances better, and it might have been the ugly 3 Spice Girls anyway.

28. Pearl Jam vs. Soundgarden

Winner: Pearl Jam
I DISAGREE
I may disagree, but they will both always be winners in my eyes <3

29. Led Zeppelin vs. Black Sabbath

Winner: Led Zeppelin
I CONCUR

Some people had a difficult time with this one. However, most of us didn't, and I think the reason is because Robert Plant has never been on a Reality TV Show mumbling to himself incoherently. I love you Ozzy, but my church used to warn me that Sabbath lead to Satanism. Now you are just a rehab poster boy for the effects of alcoholism.

30. Pro-Life vs. Pro-Choice

Winner: Pro-Choice
I CONCUR

KEEP YOUR LAWS OFF OF MY VAGINA.

Thank God that's over.


THE COOL KIDS
The 50 Who Voted, In Order Of Submission

Gerard Janse Van Rensburg; Julia Fabrin Jakobsen; Armin Van Wyk; Paul 'Kenni' Kennedy; Utopus; Mike Dowson; Ammr Khalifa; dmpulp; Karl Rohloff; Alistair Fey; Jacques van Heerden; Kirsten Templar; thisispop71; Incubus17; Samantha Alsemgeest; Jonathan Van Der Velden; Planetist; Jupiter82; APH; Edgie Gypsy; Jaclyn Woods; Adrian Blount; EskimoChain; QFXC; Usurping_Python; Christine Hull; metalbrain; Dew1400; VAAC; Zidanie5; dt2; AeroCooper; satyagraaha; Slot_Machine_777; popoyt; mini_ahlin; ason_jones; jjmsmusic; 51392; Leandra de Waal; Neil Sinclair; Dion Troubadour Power; MacDougall; hfield07; phnuggle; lostmonkeys2; Sarah Adams; Lisa C; Janet Sarah Austin; and JARED WOODS uhn tiss uhn tiss.

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The Biggest Mistake Of My Life

Originally Written: 22/01/10

Believe it or not:

This was only the second biggest mistake of my life.

As I sit here at the Citizens Advice Bureau waiting to find out how I can fight the case of my missing moneys, I thought a good way to pass the time would be to tell you a story that happened to me a few months back. Please bear with me.



I'll never forget it, it was a miserable day and I was walking around Oxford Street with no idea how I got there. Maybe it was Bus 159 but that's irrelevant, I guess. I had just had a Sub of the Day with The Works and despite the cold drizzle, I was feeling chipper as fuck and pretty invincible as I do.



Oxford Street is a consumer paradise, logos of well known brands blaring into my brain and no doubt begging for purchases - as if they needed the money. I needed their fucking money, who's story is this anyway?



Anyway, I consider myself to be somewhat of a genius. IQ tests may disagree, but I wrote the book on Physics For Dummies and I do believe much of Stephen Hawkins' work was based on mine (that bastard). But when I saw a dirty old shop called “That Voodoo You Do” I couldn't quite place where I had seen it before. It was like Deja Vu, except more like an acid trip I took in 'Nam. My heels spun and I entered the small room without much thought on the matter at all.



It stunk like incense and urine, or urine flavoured incense, which seemed impractical to me. I'm sure you can picture it, your cliché looking witch covent except everything had a price tag on it. I swear, even the cobwebs on the ceiling were going for around £1.50 and everything was brown.



A small bell chimed as the door closed behind me and a little old lady who looked like Meryl Streep glanced up and smiled. She was ugly as a dog but I was attracted to her, if you must know. “Touch anything you want” she said to me, and I wasn't sure if she was referring to her merchandise or her body. She looked down and continued fumbling over her game of Sudoku in the London Paper (RIP) and I felt compelled to look busy as if I meant to buy something.

She looked nothing like this really.

The thing is, nothing begged to be touched at all - on contrary, everything looked like it was infected with a VD. Everything, but this slightly oversized microscope sitting uncharacteristically between a skull of a small animal and a voodoo doll that looked like me mum. It was weird man, I wanted to run but instead I found myself right in front of the microscope which was priced at £10 – a steal really.

Despite my gut-feel, I leant over and peered in. At first it was a blur and it hurt my eye. I blinked furiously until a picture began to form. I was confused, it didn't make sense. Because once the image focused, I was staring at yet another microscope.

I don't know about you, but I was raised to believe that if you look through a microscope and see another microscope, there is big trouble ahead indeed. Instantly I got a headache and finally my legs obeyed me as I turned to run out of the shop. I heard the old lady cackle and I think she screamed at me “They always come back!”

The weird thing is that I don't remember the rest of the day at all. My next memory was sitting on my bed, clutching my pillow like it was my girlfriend or something. I think I was even licking the casing, and that's embarrassing.

Since then my dreams haven't been the same. I keep having ones about a book that I just can't open and a jersey that knits itself. Which is a refreshing break from my usual dreams filled with murderous screams of rape in the depths of hell, but it was unsettling all the same.

I could go on, but the point of this story is where it all went wrong. For the life of me I can't tell you how this happened, but it did happen, and it is too late now.

It was a Friday night, I was alone at home in Hackney Central and I got a friend request on facebook. I clicked the link and I got such a fright I inhaled my coffee and spluttered it all over my keyboard. The request was from “The Microscope”. We had a thousand friends in common, which is really strange because I don't even have a thousand friends.

I freaked and clicked Ignore. As soon as I lifted my finger off of the mouse, the Ignore button disappeared but the request stayed, and our friends in common jumped up by a further thousand. I must express to you: I was completely sober.

Of course I was scared, but this was still pretty amazing. I was intrigued, and at this point I felt I had no choice. I accepted the request and as I did so, my PC shut down. My PC is old and decrepit, so I wasn't surprised and figured it was possibly just a bug or a flashback, and stood up to get more coffee. And then there it was.

The microscope was sitting in my door way, and I could feel it looking at me. I screamed like Axl Rose and then this voice boomed “SHUT UP!” and I did.

“Do not be afraid,” it said “I am the best thing that has ever happened to you. I am here to grant you one wish – ANY wish you want. Look into your heart – what is it you most desire? I will give it to you.” This is word for word, I'll never forget it.

My mind raced. A million quid would be nice? How about Hannah Murray tied up in my bed? Or world peace – always a good one? And this is where it happened – the biggest mistake of my life. And I don't know why.

“I wish you were addicted to cigarettes” I said.
“What?” The Microscope questioned.
“You heard me,” I continued “I wish you were a fucking chain smoker for the rest of your life. I wish you felt like death every time you weren't filling you mechanical lungs up with toxic smoke. I wish from now on, you were a hopeless fag addicted microscope.”

There was a pause. Then a cigarette slid out the eye piece of the microscope as if it had been hiding there all along, and smoke bellowed out of all sides.

“SO BE IT, you asshole” it spat at me out of a cloud of nicotine, and then disappeared forever.

I don't know why I wished for that. God, I'd love to have a million quid right now. But seriously, it just came out! I really wanted nothing more than a microscope to be bound by addiction in that moment, and I totally regret this. But at least I never saw it again, and I do laugh every time I think of this smoking microscope trying to grant wishes whilst it coughs it's cogs into a frenzy.

The dreams are still there though.

Ok, my number has been called, it's my turn to talk to an advisor. But please, listen to what I'm saying kids. Don't smoke, it'll kill you.

<3 Jared


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