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Thursday, 8 July 2010

How To Get Away With Saying Anything On The Internet

The full name of this article is:
How To Get Away With Saying Anything On The Internet Without Being Anonymous, Because Anonymous Internet Trolls Can’t Take A Punch And Masturbate Too Much.

How To Get Away With Saying Anything On The InternetThere is a reason for the internet. It is so we can all puke our guts out, take up virtual space and waste people’s precious online time. And it is also here so we can inspect other people’s puke. And soon we begin to notice that some people have a much higher quality of puke than others, and we may continue to inspect theirs for longer periods of time.

I puke a lot. All over Twitter, all over Facebook, all over domain names I own, all over domain names I don’t. If you think this is bad you should hear how I talk in real life. And very often I have been known to say some things that have raised some questions and sometimes got me in trouble pretty badly. Sent to sit in the corner and what-not. That’s because I like to talk about people in front of everyone else, including the person I am talking about. I love to talk about sex and violence and blasphemy because that’s what I want everyone else to talk about. But in time, I have had to find sneaky and clever ways to do so, with excuses already in place and just skimming the radar. And now I am sharing this shit onto you, because at the end of the day, I’m not that bad of a guy really. Really.

Shed your self-consciousness, get ready to liberate yourself and puke on everything you want to in front of anyone else.


Michael Jackson Looks Like The DevilMethod 1: The Michael Jackson "Bunny Ears"

Overview: Put everything you say in "quotation marks".

You should view quotation marks as pillows on either side of your punches. Because people like pillows, but are too quick to forget that they are being smothered and suffocated, a very popular method of murder to this day.

Let me give you an example:

A man named Paul Chambers was ordered to pay a £385 fine, a £15 victims surcharge and £600 costs due to a very expensive joke under 140 characters long. That’s right, the 26 year old vented his airport frustrations to his 600 followers via Twitter with the following remark:

Cunt! Robin Hood Airport is closed. You've got a week and a bit to get your shit together, otherwise I'm blowing the airport sky high!

Now, these days people take airport threats very seriously, the law got wind of the blurb, and the shit hit the fan. Perhaps the reaction was a little extreme, but I promise you that he would have had a better case in court if he had just said:

“Cunt! Robin Hood Airport is closed. You've got a week and a bit to get your shit together, otherwise I'm blowing the airport sky high!”

Notice the punctuation? Now who said it? Did he say it? Surely if he put quotations on his own update, it basically means anyone else had said it besides himself. Fuck, he could’ve heard it on the TV, read it on the net or even heard it from a coworker.

Of course, if you wanted to say that exact status right now, you could say:

“Cunt! Robin Hood Airport is closed. You've got a week and a bit to get your shit together, otherwise I'm blowing the airport sky high!” - Paul Chambers

It is my understanding that Mr. Chambers has been banned from said airport. But I’m sure he got a ton more followers.

You want to take it up a notch? Check out this example (click for the full thing):


Don't Fuck Children
Alllllright, so some of my statuses are heavy. But this is major hectic. Saying something like this is just asking for a bunch of trouble, so in a small way, respect to the guy. But if you wanted to talk about your desire to sleep with an infant, you shouldn't blurt it out unprotected. Here is how you do it: use your Bunny Ears, and then add a little extra l33t-speak-pillow on the end, like this:

“I wonder what it would be like to fuck a baby, just image how tight it would be lol” - OMGWTF!?!?!

You see, now you are quoting someone else AND expressing disapproval. Once the readers understand what you are talking about, they will probably just respond in much the same way you ended your Tweet. And you can agree “yeah, messed up hey”, and then laugh.

Although these (extreme) examples are actual quotes and you probably don't want to say such things, using this technique you can express WHATEVER you want. It neatly passes the blame onto someone else easily and effortlessly. Even if that person doesn’t exist and you have to make them up, it doesn’t matter. Seriously, think of the WORST thing you could ever say, apply the above method, get off without a scratch. Job done.


Gary Glitter Touches KidsMethod 2: The Gary Glitter Scapegoat

Overview: Hide behind song lyrics.

This one is in much the same vain, and has a few easy-to-use angles.

One way is to quote actual real song lyrics, and with all the Hip-hop and the Death Metal in the world, it won’t be hard finding the right song that says everything you desire. Kind of of like Hallmark meets Scat Porn.

Take a look at these, the worst examples I could think of off hand:

I'll tear chunks from your pussy. Red and wet. Mangled unborn baby.
I'll put Anthrax on your Tampax and slap you till you can't stand. Girl you just blew your chance.
I Didnt Even Touch Her So I Cant Be Blamed. 5 Year Old Pantyshot In My Brain. My Life Has Meaning When She Spreads Her Legs.

Lyrics 1:
Devourment - Baby Killer
Lyrics 2: Eminem - Superman
Lyrics 3: Mindless Self Indulgence - Pantyshot

Once again, there is a good chance you wouldn’t want to ever say anything like this, but you get my point. These are actual song lyrics, and anyone with a little bit of google time will find that these are legit once you tell them. “It’s just really hectic song lyrics, calm down”.

However, be warned, it can backfire. I once had this girlfriend and I changed my status to Marilyn Manson's User Friendly, which goes:

I’m not in love, but I’m gonna fuck you ‘til somebody better comes along.

Within an hour, our relationship status had been terminated by her without warning. I was cool with it though. If she couldn't handle that, she wasn’t going to dig the group anal sex I had planned for that evening.

Now, of course, there is an even easier way. Don’t look for lyrics at all. Seriously, just say whatever you want and then just claim they are song lyrics. If you’re clever, make it rhyme or poetic, like:

Do you remember what we did on your daddy’s bed when we were kids?
Stupid slut think she can fight, but I will prove her wrong tonight
I’ve seen those photos your penis while I was peering through your PC last evening

All of these were made on the spot. Can you tell? Regardless, this method is great because you can almost get cocky about it if people give you shit. Just say something like “um, it’s a Snoop Dogg* song actually, you do know Snoop Dogg don’t you??” And then the person will feel embarrassed and uneducated and is probably too stupid to use google to split your lie anyway.

* - Snoop Dogg could be traded for any given artist, but just try tailor it specifically towards something that people have heard about but probably don’t know very well. Like: Neil Young, Dimmu Borgir or Sonic Youth.

Finally, the BEST thing about this method EVER is that you can even use it after you realised you would get into trouble. When I was a bit younger, I once facebooked something which was obviously about a certain girl. In some poetic way I can’t remember, I called her a bitch and explained how it was no surprise people always break-up with her. Total wanker, yeah, but I was on drugs at the time. I received a very angry email from her and things weren't looking good. I thought quickly, told her to chill, said it was a Radiohead song, and the whole thing blew over. LOLZ. I don’t do that kind of thing anymore.


MacGyver Would Murder Chuck NorrisMethod 3: MacGyver's Lock System

Overview: Encode what you say.

This one is higher grade. It's slightly difficult, and generally stands more as an in-joke than anything else. It is best suited for those of you who are chicken-shit in nature but still want to get stuff out into the open as a form of release.

It’s all about hiding what you are trying to say in one way or another under a disguise. The most popular way? Different languages.

Just go to Babel Fish, type in your English phrase and then pick the language you want. Whah-lah, you have a status update that 95% of people will be waaay too lazy to re-translate, even if they know how. However, rest assured that the only people who will translate it will be the same people you don’t want to.

Besides this, there are many other ways that I’m sure you can figure out for yourself. One is to use the first letters of words to spell out something funny or contradictory. For example:

Jesus Overdosed, Killed Enduring Syphilis :(
= JOKES
Let’s Overview the Vaginal Excrement
= LOVE

Even though people may still be upset, they will most likely laugh once you point out that there is smarts to your disgusting ways, making you sound advanced and possibly getting you off the hook.

This goes on forever, and depends how deep you want to go. Anagrams for example:

"I have a large penis! please her vagina!"
“What did you say??”
“Look, the two sentences are made up of the same letters!”
“Oh, I see, you are actually very clever and I am worried that if I question you any further I may look stupid”

"WOMAN HITLER!"
“That’s not funny! How can you be so sexist?”
“No, it’s an anagram for MOTHER IN LAW, see?”
“Oh, that is funny, sorry”

Make your own here:
Wordsmith's Anagram Generator

Palindromes:

Dog food lid: dildo of God!
As I pee, sir, I see Pisa!

“Wtf, you on about Jared?”
“It’s the same letters backwards! Look!"
“Oh, palindromes! Do you want to fuck me sometime?”


HIDE BEHIND LITERACY!
There are many other examples, you can use almost all of these in one way or another:
Wikipedia's Forms Of Word Play

The final way of hiding which works (especially if you want to attack someone directly but discreetly just to get it out of your system) is if you cover a message over a few different sites. For example maybe:

On Buzz:
I just want to say one thing in the world to my boss...
Then on Facebook:
And the one thing in the world is...
On Twitter:
You are the ugliest woman I have ever seen.

Only your closest friends will get it. And they may laugh. But to be honest, if you are doing it this way, you might as well just write in Morse-Code or something.


Leatherface is a DickMethod 4: Leatherface's Merciless Hacking

Overview: Play The Victim. Destroy Everything.

If all else fails, you can pull out the biggest gun of all. Unfortunately, more than likely you will only be able to use this once, and it’s difficult to pull off properly. Advanced shit my friends.

It’s the age-old “Ah, fuck, my friend hi-jacked my facebook! Thanks a lot you cunt!” You just pull this out of the bag directly after you say something way too extreme to take responsibility for. It’s not your fault, somebody facefucked you.

This works especially well if you manage to get a friend in on it too. Get said friend to comment back “Hahaha, raped you dude”. If you are purposefully aiming at an individual, just make sure the two people involved aren’t friends. And then you can just say to the victim: “No, I did mention to him/her that we had an argument. He/She obviously thought it was funny to post that, which it wasn’t”. And then you owe your buddy one.

Alternatively, you can actually hack someone's account if you manage to spot one unguarded (which happens so fucking often, let’s face it). Use it to directly attack someone else or say something that could cause massive trouble. The poor schmuck will get all the blame and you will laugh to yourself, and then burn in hell.

I have done some HORRIFIC things to facebook profiles left open at Internet-Cafes, and I feel a bit wrong about it. But I do believe that I taught them an important lesson about logging out of things on public computers.

And finally,


George W Bush Gives The FingerMethod 5: The George W. Bush

Overview: Stop giving a fuck.

Just remember: If you tailor your updates to fit into people’s opinion of things, you are no better than an underground band who waters down songs for radio. It's about fucking integrity. Be proud of who you are and what you have to say. SHOUT IT OUT, WHATEVER YOU LIKE. Some people will stop listening to you, sure, but you will be happy to notice which are the people who stick around with you and still find you funny.

And nothing you can EVER say will convince the whole world to exclude you. Believe me - I’ve tried.






1 comment :

  1. You forgot the most important and pervasive means of saying whatever the fuck you like online. The chans and in particular 4chan (/b/ and yes I know RULES 1 & 2). At the end of the day facebook, twitter, forums, blogs are all for faggots. The true power of internet freedom comes from anonymity. If you haven't mastered the art of the oldfag then you're just troll-bait. 94% of everything awesome online originated on a chan.

    ReplyDelete