MMXIV

And here are, yet again at another curtain call, the lights of 2013 dimming and the audience collecting their recycling to start afresh. Now, as tempting as it is for me to sit here and summarise what the year has meant to Juice Nothing and Jared Woods and all the self references between, there is a time and place for everything, and it’s called Dear 2013 (which will be the final article released moments before the 365 finish line). No, instead I will be spending this year's final news words much like I did with last years, by detailing what you should or should not be looking forward to in 2014, as well as anything else you may have missed in recent months. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.


JUICE NOTHING
10 Worst Album Covers of 2013/10 Best Album Covers of 2013
Last year I wrote The Top 20 Album Artworks of 2012 (according to me), and this year I continued the tradition with a slight twisted incarnation; a split article which does exactly as it says on the tin. For as much as it is great to praise those musicians who have spent a little extra bit of pride on their forefronted imagery, it can be even more fun to insult those who completely fucked it up. Which is why I am pretty sure this evolution of the original idea will become a regular fixture from now on until forever.

The Top 50 Albums of 2013
Released at the same time as this news item (complete with an expansion pack because I love nearly killing myself), pretty much my most worked on and (well-deserved) most popular annual blog has arrived. I am more pleased with this one than any other that came before, but I am also sick of talking about it, so just read. You will learn things.


JUICE NOTHING 2014
As per usual, I already have a stupidly long list of blogs I have started and want to kick out the door as soon as possible, and yet as per usual, God only know which ones (if any) will ever see the light of day. Regardless (and for the sake of just writing shit down), here are the ones I am willing to let you know about:

My Brief Brushes With Greatness III
The Greatest Films Ever
Greatest TV Shows Ever
Ode to Studio Ghibli
The Sister Article to that N-word One
Extension to Top 100 Songs Ever
Extension to Top 30 Rock Gawds
My Opinion on Feminism
My Opinion on the Definition of Art

And of course, the year end will include them Best Album Covers one, Top 2014 Albums one, and Dear 2014, just so long as I survive right until the end. I also have an extra personal one brewing for January, but.


JUICE NOTHING v3.0
As something I have already spoken about to death (without actually giving any concrete evidence of its existence), I spent a large portion of 2013 building a brand new Juice Nothing website, from the ground up, all from scratch. I can’t (bare to) imagine it taking any longer than another year, so I am (fairly) confident it will come out during the next 12 months. I really can’t emphasis this enough: I have pulled out every bit of artillery from every bodily pore I could locate, so even if it turns out to be one big mess, it will be a beautiful impressive mess.
And, yes, plans include the replacement for Formspring, don’t you worry.


COMING DOWN HAPPY
A month or so ago, I launched the 7th Coming Down Happy chapter, titled The Dakota Fanning Grape Movie. Without a doubt (and entirely intentionally) it was the filthiest most disgusting piece of art I could shit out, and probably that anyone should legally be able to get away with. Truth be told, I was quite nervous about the whole thing, anticipating loss of friends or perhaps even getting fired from my job, but something far worse happened: nothing at all. Still, there have been one or two people who dubbed it my “best work yet”, and even I figured it was decent enough, so check it out. It is truly THE turning point of the whole tale; where everything falls deadly sour.


COMING DOWN HAPPY 2014
Unfortunately (and despite my very best efforts, believe), one cannot rush good art, which is why the planned four-track Black EP couldn’t quite reach conclusion in 2013. It’s sad, but not the end of the world, it’s just music ffs. So, as a result, the first CDH release of 2014 will be the final song from said group, and I am stoked to report that it is incredibly close to completion. It literally just fell into place so quickly, which is a sign of a good song. And, yes, it is a good song, the risk of repeating myself not lost of me: I think it’s my favourite so far. Expect it late Jan/early Feb.

After which, the whole Coming Down Happy cartoon story will go on an extended break. As much as I know exactly where it is going and am eager to get there, I can’t really describe the painful amount of energy that gets pumped into each one of these videos to very little response. Which is why in 2014, I will be doing the exact opposite, recording songs in a hyper-speed fashion, looking to capture lightning rather than polishing a diamond. I am aiming for at least 9 songs in total to be produced next year, but in my mind I can see up to as much as 18. How could I possibly know such specific numbers? Easy. I’ve already written them all. Almost. Kinda. About halfway, actually.

On a side note, another full LP project is underway, which will be released slowly over many many years, but let’s rather cross that bridge once we find it.


THE GOAT’S NEST
For me, this is the side of my creativity which I am most amped about in 2014. This is owed mostly due to my debut novel This Is Your Brain On Drugs, which will no doubt be published during the year, probably somewhere around the middle. I am still editing away and making some little plot changes, as well as formatting the book itself (which is so much fun!), not to mention a load of other cool things I can’t really talk about just yet, but in many ways, I see this as my main priority.

Besides that awesomeness, I have two other short stories which will most likely be released from my brain vagina next year:

The first will be a sequel-of-sorts to The Johnson Line, which I will be writing on my plane trip to South Africa in February, almost exactly the same way The Johnson Line was written in the first place. This should be a good one, not only because of the concept but also because it’s going to be the first actual short short story I’ve ever written.

The second will be a sequel-of-sorts to The Triangular Theory of Love, which will be a much much bigger project. I started it ages ago (and have mentioned it before, if you were paying attention) but it was fucking terrible, and so I scrapped it. But recently I kind of remembered where the original inspiration came from, and have started to pick it apart again from a slightly different perspective. Then I remembered I had this other little idea for a short story, and figured out a way to merge the two tales together. It’s still in the very very early stages, but it’s snowballing.

Is it too early to mention I have a pretty thick plotline for my second novel? Or that there will be a version of the Coming Down Happy story in this medium? Shew, if this keeps up I may have to make a new website or something...


THE FUNPOWDER PLOT 2014
So as predicted, it happened. Ash left London to go back home to Australia to fight komodo dragons, and Kris left London to pursue his lifelong dream of fucking ladyboys in Thailand. In my mind, this meant the end of FPP, the band had broken up. We had a good run.

And then me and Ammr sat down and had a serious long chat about our potential future. That is to say, I am no longer concerned about the future of Funpowder Plot. No idea what we are going to do (or I have a very good idea and I’m just not telling you), but I honestly feel like the best is yet to come. Everything before was just childsplay. Please remember I said this.


The only other thing worth mentioning is my autobiography. Man, this is going to be awesome, I just need to start it. It does feel a bit stupid, in a way. Why would somebody who is essentially nobody write about a life no one cares for? OH BUT ONLY IF YOU KNEW. Still, I might as well write it, and then when I inevitably become the next Lennon, I’ll publish it immediately to rave reviews and a messiah like result.

Alright people, have a merry xmas and a happy new year. Get your coats on, let’s get ready for a big one.

Enough love to fill the Albert Hall,
Jared


Follow @LegoTrip

An Ode To Divorce

I just remembered this story this one time.

In high school (especially near the end), it wasn’t unusual for one of our scheduled lessons to be substituted for some life career inspirational speech type thing. I got the value, I really did. People at our age either had a solid direction of where they wanted to go or were in dire need of one, and if nothing else, it was generally a great distraction from the otherwise dull world of geography or getting our fingernails dirty in ceramic clay.

The particular speaker on this day was hired for some sort of a memory-secret he had developed, explaining how we could unlock our inner genius in ways which would benefit our futures or something else to that effect. I can picture myself now, as I leaned back the best I could on our only relatively comfortable seating area in the main hall. It was a raised plan, so each row of seats were elevated a foot higher than the one in front of them, and no doubt some kids legs were limiting my chance of a decent back rest, but I don’t really remember. What I can assume, however, is that I had very little interest in what was being said and naturally escaped into my happy world where I was king and the sheep were revolting.

“And by the way,” the man announced in the distance. “Don’t blame your parents if they get divorced the moment you leave school, as they were most likely staying together for your sake, waiting for the best opportunity to least affect your studies.”

This line woke me up from my daily vision. It seemed like a strange thing to say, out of place and unrelated to anything this man had said before. Perhaps this was something the speaker was going through right now, and he was talking about it out loud in order to justify his own actions in front of an audience. Some divorce in his personal life granting him the insight to rightfully dub himself an authority on the subject.

Even more peculiar still, my parents had recently sat me down to announce their own termination of marriage, which is probably why the line had echoed so much louder than whatever the fuck else this man had been teaching. Granted, my parents didn’t have the decency to wait for me to finish high school before making the split, but I guess when you’re fed up with a person, you’re fed up with a person. They’d been together for 25 years or something anyway, which is a decent run by today’s standards. Well done, mom and dad.

The abrupt ode to divorce had inconveniently woken me up from my fantasies, and so I looked around to reevaluate my surroundings. Nothing else seemed out of the ordinary—some of our overachievers were over listening; the cooler kids looked bored and mumbled to each other; girls and boys passed little folded up notes between themselves—your typical uniformed high school scene. That was, except for Jimmy.

Jimmy was one of my bestest friends, a true mate, I knew him super well. But right now, he looked different. He had scored a fortunate seat a few below me, the ever favourable wall position, where one was allocated the luxury of being right at the end of the seating plan, able to turn sideways and lean their back against the wall. Except he looked anything but comfortable.

His face was distorted, frozen in an almost angry position, wrinkles folding in all the aggressive places. His lips curled tightly into a colourless line and his eyes looked swollen and puffy. The dude seemed like he was in pain, arms crossed in that bad body language type of way, posture all wrong, his whole demeanour suggesting he was about to cry or perhaps punch someone in the teeth.

It was then I put two and two together, and realised Jimmy was feeling what I felt in that very moment. I had been over to his house many many times, and knew both of his parents well. To any outsider, they seemed happy, almost your typical white picket fence two dogs one cat moviesque kinda family. But right here, I could tell this wasn’t the case. Who knew what happened behind closed doors anyway. His parents put on a smiley face when visitors were around, but Jimmy was fighting the same demons I was. The demons of confusion and rejection. The idea that the world you had grown comfortable in and secured yourself to, was about to be gutted and turned inside out.

I felt shameful as I related his pain to my life. How had I been so ignorant as to not pick up on this before? My mate, Jimmy, suffering in front of my own very eyes, experiencing the divorce battle which I thought I fought alone. And in that moment, I felt connected to him on a different level, and decided I needed to confide in and comfort the guy. I needed to go against my masculine training and open up to my buddy, and then perhaps neither of us had to face this struggle alone. That’s what friends are for, after all.

When the bell rang, I waited to catch him alone and then approached with care. His eyes still betrayed some deeper feelings, his expression still hinted at some agony, and so I compassionately placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, man. You alright?” I began.
“Yeah, I’m cool.” he sighed.
“I mean, like, is everything alright though? At home and stuff? Between your mom and dad, are they cool?”
“Huh?” he looked at me curiously. “Yeah, why?”
“I dunno. You just seemed really upset in that talk, is all.”
He laughed.
“Ah no, man. I’m just really stoned. That speech was fucking boring!”

Then we both laughed. I guess it was.



And now, here’s Jared Woods with the news:

JUICE NOTHING

Everything, All Of The Time: The History Of The Universe; The Meaning Of Life; The Future Of The Human Race; And All The Stuff In-Between
It was over a year ago that I was drunk on the tube and had an epiphany that went like this: OMG, I am super smart. The reason being that, over my lifetime, I have thought about a lot of deep stuff and stuff, and developed (what I figure is) a different but complex belief in the world and the Universe and everything else that exists, always. But the shame was that I’d never told anyone my conclusions, and yet I had this perfect blog platform where I could reveal my genius to the world. I quickly took out my notepad and scribbled down some key-notes, before falling asleep and missing my stop. Perhaps not that smart after all.
However, I felt it was a decent enough idea to pursue, except that as each month came and went, the thought of even trying to tackle the right words to reveal my perception on EVERYTHING put me right off, and I’d fall back into more silly music blabber or some other fruitless egotistical garbage. But something happened in my head last month, and I was just like, fukkit, whatever, I’m not doing anything else, let’s just get this one done.
So I did, and while I could never expect anyone to read what is essentially my own Bible, quite a few people did read it in the end, and I got a ton of unexpected positive feedback. Well, until I posted it to Reddit and they tore my anus out like a tube of mince, but hits are hits, so I’ll take what I can get.
The point is, if you have an hour or so to spare, please read it. It’s definitely the cleverestest thing I have ever written by quite a long shot, and maybe one day you’ll join my church, I dunno.

The Best 50 Bands I've Seen Live
Just released, and this is another one I have been planning to write since forever. Originally my plan (around 2008) was to write a blog detailing every single band I’ve ever seen, but as time went on, that feat turned into something impossible, because I see quite a lot of bands. So I decided to exclusively focus on the top 50, and nearly released the thing much earlier on in the year. That was until I realised I was going to Reading Festival last month, and figured it would be best to wait for that just in case some good ones cropped up there. Good thing I did too, as fucking eight bands from that festival passed the audition, so that was nice.
Anyways, I hope you read it, because YOU WILL NEVER HEAR FROM ME AGAIN. rofljk, but something similar:

Some of you may remember (lol) in the May News I told you guys I would be using my Get Out Of Jail Free Card the following month, but this never happened. So let me say this again, this time with feeling: I am using it now. There will be no article released in October. There are countless reasons for this, but none of which revolve around neglecting Juice Nothing whatsoever. A little further than tradition, I am contemplating launching four fucking pieces over November/December, and so make no false assumption that writing will be on a break. I’m speeding up. But it does mean you won’t read anything here for a while, which could be a good thing or a bad thing, depending whose side you’re on.

JUICE NOTHING v3.0

The new Juice Nothing design is going to take a long time, I make no light of that, and so until there is some actual news on the subject (which will be way into next year), I am going to drop it off of these regular updates all together. However, all you need to know is that it’s looking cool and I am having loads of fun with it, but as far priorities go, it is at the bottom of the foodchain. Life bro, wow.

THE FUNPOWDER PLOT

A Poet's Proposal
Member Freewheelin’ Troubadour has dominated the FPP year so far, and for good reason. Our newest video is something completely different, where a select few of us were let in on a little secret: our boy was going to propose to his lady-friend Sarah. So under the guise of one of his poetry gigs, we set up cameras and filmed the whole thing go down. It was beautifully romantic, the dude has a way with words, and above all else, it was so fucking cool to shoot something and have it out the door within a week and a bit. More of this is what we all want, except no one else wants to get married.

Related: Since before Funpowder Plot, there have been discussions of a very special type of video being shot, all my idea of course. I have actually spoken about it so many times over these news items without giving anything away, but it finally looks like everyone is on board. We even set a date, but due to some weird stuff happening like people having birthdays (selfish!) and me moving house, it simply hasn’t aligned properly yet. But we have never been so close to taking the plunge, I can smell the fear on all of us, and I pray that by the next time I update this news shit, this video will be out and viral. But I guess we can never know how these things pan out.

COMING DOWN HAPPY

Not much to report except that the third song off The Black EP is staring down the finish line, and as it stands (perhaps slightly prematurely), I consider it the best thing I’ve ever done. The music is probably about 90% composed; the lyrics are around 80% written; and the drawings are maybe like 30% done? It ain’t easy, but I am aiming for an end of October release, probably Halloween. I’m real eggs :D

The sad thing about this project is that it looks like I am going to miss my main 2013 goal. I wanted to get The Black EP done by the end of the year, but I have slowly fallen behind with each song through no fault of my own, and now it’s looking fairly impossible. I am sure the last song will see the light of day around January 2014 at latest, and then even radder stuff will happen, but I will confirm all of this at a later stage. Anyways, sorry I guess.

THE GOAT’S NEST/THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

I have a saying that goes “I always keep my promises because I never make promises” but all of that turned out to be a lie. Last news item, I promised that my debut novella would see an end of year launch. However, I now know that this won’t be happening if I do it the way I want to do it, and I am going to do it the way I want to do it, so there you go. A big factor towards all of this is that I sent the first draft to a bunch people to get some feedback, and I received a lot of constructive yet disheartening opinions in return. Serves me right. Due to this, there will be one final rewrite, and only then can I begin the very difficult process of getting this thing out there in a way I hope everyone thinks is cool. But I swear, if there is one Juice Thing to get excited about next year, this would be it. Even if it’s just me who gets excited. I am excited, actually.


Anyways, class dismissed.
Jared


Follow @LegoTrip

The Great Doritos/Reddit Incident of July 2013

I don't know how much of my 15 minutes is left at this point, but I'm definitely going to run out soon.

It appears to me that it's always one single event which triggers this kind of shit off. That Lily stuff aside, Juice Nothing got most of its attention from How To Fuck Boys And Not Be Gay (which recently hit 50,000 views, I might add), and The Goat's Nest's main claim would surprisingly be that Top 50 Albums Of 2011, Reinterpreted As Short Stories garbage (which in total, has racked up more than 10,800 views). I'm still patiently praying for Coming Down Happy's turn, but it was our collective Funpowder Plot specifically which faced the spotlight shining upon them over the last few days, and on a level which could be considered somewhat brighter than any of those that came before.

It went a little something like this:

On Friday, Ash sent a group FPP email with the simple subject line "Remind you of anything?". Within its body was one link, which directed us to this Doritos video. We were all flabbergasted (I actually spelt that word right first try without using spell-check, score). As you may or may not recognise, this ad looked almost too suspiciously like our own Doritos video which had existed a year previous; one we'd submitted into a competition for the brand, guest directed by the talented Andy McCormick. I mean, view these things side by side to get the full picture, and then maybe you'll understand our reaction.

Now (and perhaps a little prematurely, I'll admit) I assumed this to be an official Doritos advert. I based this on the title itself ("Doritos Super Bowl XLVII commercial - 2013 Winner", fairly convincing), and the fact that the actress (Jessica Serfaty) had some other online presence to her name. Which is why I promptly turned to Reddit, looking for some support, looking for some opinion, looking for some stir. And we got all of those. More than anyone could have ever anticipated.

Posting the previous side by side link here into /r/FilmMakers, I watched in joy as the upvotes regularly presented themselves, to the point that within the hour, we were the top post of that subreddit. Chuffed with the success, I went out and drank too many beers and Jägerbombs with my mates, eventually returning home around midnight, drunk and yet not too drunk to avoid the fright as I turned on my PC. Because things had escalated a bit too rapidly for any comfort.

1,562 upvotes later, and we had hit the fucking front page of Reddit. Below this was 859 comments, scattered over a range of responses. Some people were repulsed by what they too considered blatant plagiarism. Some people laughed and called us idiots for even entering the competition in the first place, whoring our skills to the corporate world, and deserving of what came to us. Some pointed out that the terms & conditions explicitly stated that we had lost any rights to "intellectual property" as soon as we submitted our piece. Some argued this wasn't the point, and that it was a disgraceful practice of Doritos regardless, relating the incident to their own nightmare experiences in a similar vein. Some rightfully pointed out that there was no concrete evidence this was even an official Doritos ad anyway, and could have very well been yet another later competition entry. And finally, others dismissed the case, based on the fact that the idea wasn't exactly the most "original" concept, and a coincidence was more than plausible. And, hey, all of those were fairly valid arguments.

But at this stage, none of this mattered much to us, because the initial bad feelings and point of the post had been drowned, replaced swiftly by astonishment and hysterics. All of a sudden, here was this thrust of attention on a video we had so long forgotten about, the whole Funpowder Plot vs. Doritos thing now solely a Reddit vs. Reddit thing. It was incredible to watch, and I watched it a lot over the course of the weekend.

And it didn't even end there, although it kind of did for our post. Due to the mass amount of traffic we had pumped straight to that YouTubeDoubler url, it tragically crashed. And when the link stopped working, Reddit was as merciless as ever, the downvotes pouring in until we spiraled back to 0 and fell very quickly into obscurity. However, some Karma whore cross-posted a new link to the much more popular /r/video subreddit, and it fucking happened all over again. 4,796 upvotes, and bam, back on the front page, spawning a further 471 comments. Christ.

And, wait, it didn't even end there. One articulate Redditor in particular who really ripped us a new one impressed so many people, that it even got its own post to /r/bestof, earning 8,021 upvotes all by itself, most likely hitting the front page too, even if I didn't see that happen. This one gained 545 comments, and in all honesty, those were probably the ones that backed us up the most, despite the nature of the original post. I guess that's because Redditors in general like to argue with OP by default.

All the while, we kept quiet. I mean, there were just too many comments! I couldn't keep up! Plus it was weekend for fucks sakes! I had things to do! However, at the very end (and probably a bit too late) I did give my 2 cents in 4 points, and I'd like to elaborate on those now:

(1) I had to lol at every single person who called me a "cry baby" or a "whiner". I merely posted a link to an observation, I never even once stated anyone stole anything because I'm fucking clever like that. In fact, the only cries I read were from commentators, ironically crying about me "crying", unaware at how much we were laughing. Seriously, this was a fantastic and valuable thing for us, regardless of who said what.

(2) However, I wasn't laughing when people accused us of "only having one idea", claiming we deserved to have it stolen if we couldn't do any better. Fuck you. As we currently we have over 20 vastly different videos on our channel, I find it offensive that someone would jump to that conclusion when we work so hard at what we do. This video was ancient for us, it's incredible that of all our pieces this was the one that caused the most fuss (especially when we have girls drinking puke and boys getting kidnapped by aliens). In all honesty, this Doritos thing isn't any of our favourite work, we were trying to win money.

(3) Ultimately, I think there was a ton of good which came from this, as it gave other artists a platform to vent about similar frustrations within the industry. Whether we legitimately got ripped off or not is up for debate, but it's very apparent to me that this does happen to many people, and I am glad we spurred on conversations to this effect. Much love to those peeps.

(4) Finally (and more than anything), I am soooo grateful for everyone who supported us and/or hated us. Because of you and the three Reddit postings, in total we accumulated 14,379 upvotes, 11,793 downvotes, 1,875 comments, and roughly 55,000 new views on our Youtube video. As it stands, this is now our most viewed piece of work, a whopping 43,342 hits more than the second in line, and that is insane. Furthermore, it has been my dream for a long time to hit the front page of Reddit, and despite being an unlikely candidate (which is always the way), we couldn't have done it without all of you guys. So from the bottom of my heart and the rest of us at Funpowder land... thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!


THE RANT ENDS HERE, AND USUAL NEWS BEGINS.
You can stop reading now.


JUICE NOTHING
Top 20 Most Unusual Rockstar Deaths
Hot off the press, this article was released at the exact same time as this rant/news item. And as the article's very conclusion informs, it was a long time coming. Standing as the sibling piece to one of my most well-received writings (2010's The Top 20 Naughtiest Musicians, Ever) the concept predates Juice Nothing itself, the first draft existing back in 2007. I'm glad I waited until now to give it the nurture it deserved, and I feel it stands as a solid bit of babbling, in a year which has already turned into one of solid bits of babbling. I hope you enjoy it, because if you don't, then I'm completely useless.

Work on the next blog has not started because (truth be told) I have no idea what it will be. I'll shit out something, but for now I wouldn't mind a little sleep.

Quickly in other related news, there has been a slight lull(z) on the site redesign recently, purely due to time issues. But I plan to make up for lost gaps asap because it's looking rad, I'm having a ball making it, and I still feel confident for an end-of-year launch. No promises though.


THE GOAT'S NEST
The Johnson Line
It's unlikely, but some of you may have actually read my previous news post where I warned there wouldn't be any writings released in June, but somehow this short story came together much faster than anticipated, and I kicked its ass out the door just in time. The history behind it will probably be quite boring for most, but fukkit, for the sake of my own records, I'm going to lay it all out right neow:

As a story about a train which travels through Hell, the origin of this idea should be fairly predictable. I was stuck on the tube, armpit to armpit with smelly strangers, and like so many who have come before, thought to myself "this must be what Hell is like". From there I developed the idea of different stations leading to different areas of nightmares, but the main difference between my original plan and how it all turned out was the central point itself. At first, I wanted this to be the sequel of one of my other short stories, where a character who'd died previously found themselves in this terrible world and had to make a choice. It could've worked too.

So (as it is tradition), I began writing the tale on the long plane journey to South Africa on Xmas 2012. However, upon landing in Turkey for my connecting flight, inspiration hit from a different direction and I decided to change focus from a weak human-type to the demon conductor himself. I felt this was a much better angle, and ended up writing about half of the thing on this air trip, naming the character after my internet archenemy Faure, who I'd previously promised to honour in my fiction almost a year before.

However, the story kinda sucked and I had to painfully force myself to continue, doing so in such a half-assed manner that it's actually quite humourous to remember. Many chapters were written blind-drunk on tube rides home with complete disregard to legibility. I even somehow lost full pages during these sessions, which all made for an interesting rewrite when the time came, forcing a lot of room for guess work. But eventually I finished the crappy first draft on the 7th February 2013, and then threw it into my drawer without any interest in looking at it ever again. However, during the month of June I grew brave, and tackled the thing head-on, eventually completing and releasing it to quite a fantastic reception, which is always a relief.

WARNING: THERE ARE SPOILERS FROM THIS POINT UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE! ONLY GO FORWARD IF YOU HAVE READ THE STORY OR DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
And just quickly, I want to give two little facts which nobody seemed to pick up on:
(1) The Johnson Line itself was named after Robert Johnson, the blues musician who famously sold his soul to the devil in order to play guitar better than anyone, and becoming pretty much the original member of The 27 Club. I figured that was fitting.
(2) The game concepts for each station were based upon one of the seven deadly sins. The Bucket Chamber = Lust; The DigestiTrack = Gluttony; Bank = Greed; The Chillzone = Sloth; The Mousetrap = Wrath; The Chess Tournament = Jealousy; and Before The Fall = Pride. Each one of the corresponding sins were sneakily mentioned within its own chapter, which I personally felt was pretty clever on my part. Because I like myself a bit too much, maybe.
SPOILERS END HERE

Very briefly, I would like to say that the future of The Goat's Nest is still looking bright. I had another really exciting idea the other day, which will be the "sequel-ish" to The Johnson Line. I am flying back to South Africa for a holiday in February 2014, and so I think that would be the ideal travel time to hit that bitch in the mouth. I also have my second novel idea stewing something fierce. But above all else, my debut novella This is Your Brain on Drugs is nearly about to enter the next phase, where in before the end of the week or so, I will be sending it along to five interested applicants to give their feedback on. After that, I'm still not 100% sure what to do, but I have had quite a killer idea on how to deliver this bastard, and am aiming for an end of year launch at very very latest. Now that's a promise.


COMING DOWN HAPPY
Stupid Superhero Should Have Let Me Die
Next up, the second song off The Black EP was finally launched earlier this month (click that link for more details on its conception, I hate repeating myself), and to say it was a stressful process would be an understatement. You see, I was greatly inspired by Kanye West's latest album Yeezus, especially when I learned he'd only finished the thing less than a week before it was released. And so I attempted to do something similar, my last-minute schedule looking like this:

04/07/13 - Finished the drawings.
05/07/13 - Finished the song, sent it to mastering.
08/07/13 - Realised I needed one more drawing, drew it, and then announced the release date to the public.
09/07/13 - Scanned the last drawing and finished the video
10/07/13 - Launched it.

Despite the pressure, I think it turned out really well and a few important people have told me that it was their favourite track so far, which meant the world to me. But I'd never do that to myself again.

That said, the third track is already well underway, and if I had to give it a word, it'd be: evil. Keep an eye open for that one, just in case it notices you first.


THE FUNPOWDER PLOT
World of the Day
And finally (as if we hadn't spoken to death about this creative already), there is some unrelated Funpowder news to share. The thing is, due to the hours of time that went into this epic video; the great lengths each member has already gone to promote it; and all the insanity I started this rant with... I don't really have the stamina to fully describe what it all means to us. So instead, I will give you 10 reasons why you should watch it:

(01) It's like a music video without the music, which is unusual.
(02) Loose is the star in my eyes, which makes it the first video of that kind.
(03) It's all based around one of The Freewheelin' Troubadour's poems.
(04) It stars every single one of the Funpowder Plot members in one way or another, which has only ever happened once before.
(05) More time was spent on this video than any other.
(06) We used techniques which we have never attempted before, and will probably never attempt again.
(07) The amount of hidden symbolism would take many many watches to fully grasp.
(08) I wear a dress.
(09) We all agree that this is probably the best thing we've ever done, and we are super proud of it, so who really cares what anyone else thinks.
(10) I actually just sat here and listed 10 fucking reasons to fucking watch it, so fucking watch it.

Discussions for the next video are already underway, just so long as my head doesn't sink into my lungs before then.


Five HUGE golden stars if you read this entire piece.
It's all over now.
Don't call me, I'll call you.
Soon.
Lots Of Love,
sjdbvg;wGvh
dhfhfhg
fsh
.

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I Broked Your Clock

Well, it’s been a mighty fine amount of time since I’ve updated you people on my going ons, and as a result, there is a substantial amount of stuff to say on just about every project I am currently involved with. For this reason, I won’t be wasting my time or yours by ranting about women’s rights or the drug problems in the UK, but rather just gonna get on with it. Here is the latest:


JUICE NOTHING WRITINGS
After the failures that were The Best/Worst of Juice Nothing and Streamline Your Life Like Jared Woods (although people have had some very positive shit to say about the latter, but I'm not convinced), I realised I had to stop jerking off into my own eyes and up my game a little bit. Since then, I have been working real hard to spit out a relatively improved standard of work (3 full articles; 2 rants) and nearly managed to do it too. Elaborated:

The Death Of Formspring (rant)
Not so long ago, it was announced that my usual Question and Answers platform Formspring was shutting down. It was a shock to all of us, I know, and I spoke about what this means to me in the quick piece you can read above. As it turns out, it was a slight waste of time, because apparently some last minute deal saved the website from imploding on itself, and everything was cool again. I contemplated how this made me feel, and concluded that I didn't really appreciate the way the announcement fucked with my zen, so I decided to continue with my original plan after all: I will no longer be using the Formspring service to serve you lovely people. Instead, I'll be opening my own Q&A effort, (hopefully) before the end of the year, which will be better and much more secure. Everyone will love it, just yoooou waaaaaittt.

20 White Artists Who Have Said "Nigger" In A Song
And here it is: without a doubt, the best bit of 2013 writing I have achieved thus far. This controversial compilation was born out of my own frustration, lost and unable to find any such an article on the internet, realising I was simply going to have to do it myself. So I researched the hell out of it, swallowed as much information as I could stomach, and then vomited this out over here. Needless to say, response has been fantastic, duh, and the hits rolled right in. Due to its success, I am planning a much weirder sequel of sorts, but let’s not get ahead of each other, or we might fall. Seriously though, if you click nothing else within this news item, click there.

Storm Thorgerson (28 February 1944 – 18 April 2013) (rant)
As people do, Storm Thorgerson died. He was my favourite album artwork creator of all time, and I couldn’t just let him leave us without sending my own little goodbye-love to a man who still believed in the importance of good visuals to go with good audio. So I wrote this thing which included 20 of my favourite pieces he’s been involved with, and if you are one of those who appreciate music and art, it could very well be the quick read you're looking for. It didn’t help me much though, I’m still pretty bleak about it.

25 Albums That Changed My Life: The Tale of the Devil and Me
As a topic I’ve wanted to tackle for a while, it’s kind of a pity that I got the bright fucking idea to present the piece like some exaggerated autobiography short story type of deal. I dunno, it’s not the worst thing I’ve ever done, but it did seem to fall ever so slightly short of the mark (about 75% worthy of your time and about 25% wankity wank). I tried! I really did! I guess they can’t all be winners though, and I am over it, marching forward with my head held high.

The Top 50 Animated Characters Ever
I just gone and done this! And I fucking love it! What I find interesting about this article is that I had written the entire thing in 2008, start to finish. But something didn't quite feel right about it, and so (thank God), I left it to stew until it was more delicious and ready to be digested with the full potential it deserved. And that time is now. I worked really hard to try and keep it much briefer than my usual blabbering, so if you have an hour or so to waste, I'd be honoured if you wasted it here. Thanks!

It is now the time I shall tell you something else. I (think I) will be using what I like to refer to as my "Get Out Of Jail Free Card" during the month of June 2013. Which is to say, I won’t be updating this bloggy blog during that designated time period of the year. The reasons are many, and I shall touch on a few of them throughout this piece, but I promise it has nothing to do with lack of ideas. As it stands, I have the brewing of 11 separate pieces in the depths of my brain box, so don’t you worry your pretty little face, or you might get wrinkles.


JUICE NOTHING v3.0
Design for the new main website got really far and then I grew bored, flipped the fukkit-switch, and began the daunting journey of actually building the fucking thing. On the one hand, I am super impressed with myself as to fast it has come together. On the other hand, there are sooo many things I want to do for it (in fact, it shall contain more Easter Eggs than actual content) that I couldn’t possibly predict any accurate time of arrival. Before the end of 2013? That would be nice. But regardless, it will be worth the wait, I promise. I am toast vibing it, and yes, a lot of the free time over the next month shall be devoted to this project.


THE GOAT’S NEST SHORT STORIES
But one of the main reasons I will be taking a breather over June (if not, the main reason), is because I have written a little short story, 100% complete in rough handwriting, and it is just sitting in my drawer, turning yellow and eating itself inward. At night time, I can hear it nagging at me, and I am struggling to sleep because of it. Which is why I have decided to begin the process of combing through the pages and transforming the pile of badly scribbled words into something at least remotely readable. The thing is, it might take a while, and so I am granting myself a while to take. Other than that, all you need to know is that I'm calling it Hell (even though it’s not actually gonna be called that) and it’s all about Hell (believe or not).

Besides this, I have been doing little bitsies on the sequel to The Triangular Theory of Love, but it’s becoming one of those “Blood From My Teeth” type deals, and I don’t enjoy that sort of thing. It may never get released, it may get released at the end of the year, I don’t know, you don’t know, but I’ll keep talking about it anyway blah blah blah look at me look at me.

Related:


THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
I drown in pride as I announce my debut novella is 100% written in neat. It goes even further than that, as I'm not the only one who has experienced the tale. Like bedtime stories, I have been reading a few chapters a night to my girlfriend, and if this process has taught me anything, it’s that the project probably isn’t as good as I thought it was. Whatever, when last did you write a book? Exactly.
Over the next month, I will be slowly sending it across to a few other special people in order get their 2 cents (keep an ear out for this, and it may be you), altering it based on their opinions, and then...? Profit? I’m not sure yet, but it should definitely turn into a highlight of the year as far as Juice Something goes.

I also want to quickly mention that I am an overworking freight train of ambition and masochism, and the planning process of my second novella has also begun. I've been watching a fuckload of Studio Ghibli material whilst snorting ketamine, and am on this persistent hyper level of inspiration because of it. I don't want to give too much away, except that I am aiming to go well deep into The Goat's Nest this time, finally opening the lid on fictional incidents that I've been developing since I was a child. About time, I guess.


COMING DOWN HAPPY
So it finally happened: The Black EP reared its ugly distorted face and gave us all an evil wink. The first of four songs named A Million Little Fingers Inside Of You was launched, cartoon video and everything, and I for one was pretty stoked about the execution. The drawings were of a much higher standard, and the song itself was as good (if not better) and those that came before. People agreed, but that’s not what was important. What was important is that I am feeling so rad about this project again, revisiting these characters felt like going back home, and I am amped to develop this story further, as fast as possible.

Which is happening. The second track of the EP (which has been a bit of a toughie, I'll admit) is moving ahead slowly, with about 99% of the lyrics finalised, 48% of the drawings drawn, and 70% of the music sounding pretty damn good (for me). And while it could still go either way, if I manage to get it sounding like it does in my head, it could very well be the best song I've ever done. Expect that soon enough, as it is yet another reason why I'm taking the writing break.


THE FUNPOWDER PLOT
More than likely, the very next thing to come out from me (and my friends) will be one of them FPP joints. Ash has been sweating and bleeding and semening away on what we all agree is our best video to date. It’s a special one, because we are (almost) all involved, and it is waaaay different from anything we've done before. It’s taking forever fucking ages, I'm aware, but everytime I see the most recent edit, I am confused as to why we don’t just release it as is. It’s called World Of The Day, revolves around The Freewheelin' Troubadour and Jonathan Loose Agent 23 van der Velden, and could be out in a matter of weeks. Doesn't that make your tummy runny?

After that, not too sure, but me and Ammr have been discussing some very interesting concepts...


Hmmm, yep, think that’s it. As I say, it might be a while before you hear from me again (unless you follow me on Twitter, in which case you will hear far too much of me), but when I come back, I will have a whole new briefcase of goodies to put up your nose and tempt your children with.

Until then, peace out and piss off.
Jared

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Keegan Jonathan Lewis

Over the last Xmas and New Years, I decided to do something I hadn’t done for 3+ years, and ventured back to my hometown of Cape Town, South Africa, for a holiday. Needless to say, it was awesome! I spent much valuable time catching up with family; getting drunk with old friends; meeting a bunch of people I only knew from the internet; and showing my girlfriend the places I grew up in - not to mention the beautiful scenic areas Cape Town has to offer (some of which I didn’t even know existed myself).

Yes, all was fine and dandy. Except for one little incident: I received a death threat. Yes, you read that right. Loveable me, the guy who saves endangered flowers from abusive greenhouses and donates money to feminist charities, was the target of an actual warning towards my life. The perpetrator's name was Keegan Jonathan Lewis, and I have no fucking clue who he is. What’s even funnier (and probably quite typical to my existence) was that the threats took place on facebook.

Unfortunately (and for reasons I will go into shortly), said attacks are no longer available. Fortunately, I did have the foresight to snag the offending screen grab using my iPhone (South African internet is limited, let me assure you), which went a little something like this:

It didn’t end there either, as he sprinkled assorted other derogatory comments all around my public Cheer Up Emo album and profile images, including expressions of distaste towards my appearance (which, let’s face it, is ridiculous) as well as insults towards my own lovely mother and girlfriend. Here are some of those, in collage form:

I was a bit taken back, I won’t lie. Not by the threats themselves, but by how atrocious this guy’s grammar and spelling was. I can only assume the dude was drunk when he wrote these, because, I dunno, school? The other thing that bothered me greatly is that I went through this guy's profile pictures, and he was the most ordinary looking human being I have ever seen. Nothing about him stood out even remotely, his face was void of any single defining features. Try as I might, I stared at his images for a lengthy period of time, but forgot what he looked like the moment I turned away. Which meant that even if I passed Keegan in the street, I would not recognise him, so I had to somewhat prepare myself for some random cunt to punch me out of nowhere. Which, by the way, I was pretty amped about, because I haven’t been punched in the face for years.

Now, I couldn’t leave it at that, obviously. But I didn’t really want to do anything at all. So instead, I just put it out there so my friends would know what was going on, by using the following status:

What happened after this was fucking beautiful. An army of my mates jumped to my defence in a way I could have never anticipated, and my heart filled with a whole new feeling of gratitude. Take a look:

What I like to imagine from the above, is that Keegan woke up very hungover the next day, checked his facebook, and was bombarded with these notifications. He squirted a little poo in the back of his Calvin Klien underwear (please note: I am only assuming he wears CK briefs because I know nothing about him, so I'm making shit up now), and then quickly deleted every death threat from my Profile of Love™, promptly blocking me from accessing his account, all within 24 hours. Silly boy! Attacking someone on their own profile is like walking into a township and announcing you’re a racist. You are outnumbered, son. You will get killed.

Now, maybe a more mature person would leave it at that. Maybe he learned his lesson. Maybe he had a slight hiccup of judgement and realised he was a bit of an dumbass, and regretted his bad choices. Maybe I should just smile at how well that went and continue with my holiday.

I spoke to God, and he agreed, then I spoke to Satan, and he disagreed. I flipped a coin, it landed on the dark side, so I decided to keep it up. I mean, the dude can’t just get away with such nonsense, it’s not very nice to be all confrontational and shit, trying to feed people to rugby teams and whatnot. So following the instruction from the Great Dark Lord, I re-uploaded the screenshot, and the madness continued:

Unfortunately, it seems someone did end up reporting his facebook profile, because it disappeared. I never wanted that, and would never recommend such a juvenile way of handling things - it’s like telling the teacher. I am sure whoever did so, did it for the right reasons, but I really wanted to handle things my own way. What’s done is done though, and that's done, over. No, I never ended up meeting this fella, and I have not heard anything from him since. Which begs the question: why did I feel compelled to write an entire rant dedicated to someone who had such a little affect on my life? Well, there are two reasons:

The first is to thank my friends. You guys seriously turned a potentially bleak situation into something filled with love and appreciation. It means so much to me that people (even with just words) had my back. When peeps stuck up for me to that degree, my skin grew thicker, I felt so much stronger and it reaffirmed to me how important mates like mine are. Special props to Raziel, who took that shit to the next level and empowered me, because I know he meant every word he said. Likewise to Paul. I could almost hear the guy quiver while he read your counter-threats, because I would have. You guys are MY PEEPS for life, yo, seriously. I would return the favour for any single one of you who got involved, and I hope some day to get the chance. You mean the world to me, and I love you all. I get emotional because of it, and I am still laughing my ass off.

The second reason I wrote this rant is because I want to be the top google search term for this guy’s name. I want every potential employer to read this and realise that, if you are thinking of hiring Keegan Jonathan Lewis from Cape Town, South Africa, please be aware that he is not a very upstanding citizen. He is a dickhead who has violent tendencies. Maybe he will swear at your general manager when you are having a meeting. Maybe you will offer to make him some coffee, and he will try to stab you. Who knows what he is capable of? But the facts are the facts: he threatened my life and such a mental state should not be tolerated, let alone offered a job. Thanks.


THE RANT ENDS HERE, AND USUAL NEWS BEGINS.
You can stop reading now.


JUICE NOTHING
Obviously, the darling month of January was a bit of a write-off, and as a result, I have been frantically putting pen to paper in a desperate attempt to fulfill my quota. Which, by the way, I have just done. Since my last news update, I have launched 2 bits and pieces (excluding Dear 2012), which were as follows:

The Best/Worst Of Juice Nothing
This was my 50th article! To celebrate such a landmark release, I figured now was a good time to look back at the things I have done right, and the things I have done wrong over the years. Unfortunately, you guys disagreed, and as it stands, this is my least read blog, ever. Like, EVER. It’s a bit disappointing, because I did work pretty hard on turning such a dull subject into something as funny as possible, but alas, you will never know. I do understand though, it is a bit presumptuous to think anyone would care as much about me as I do.

Streamline Your Life Like Jared Woods
This got released right now! Personally, I think it’s a pretty good one, not only working as a rare glimpse into my life, but also filled with invaluable information which will help you improve your own pathetic existence. Time will tell if anyone actually reads it, but I assure you that it is worthy of your attention, and has the potential to make lives better. I am very happy with it, personally.

Which means I am completely up-to-date with my 1 article per month goal. Even better, is that the next two articles are already well underway. The next one in particular (planned for the end of March) is something to look out for - as it's controversial as fuck. But despite when this is released, and despite when the one after that is released, I am hoping to finish them both within the next few weeks. Why? Because I need to make writing space for other things.


THE GOAT'S NEST
And this is what I'm talking about. On the plane to Cape Town, I wrote half a short story, and then picked away at it until the rough was 100% done. I am temporarily calling it “Hell” and it totally sucks. Seriously, I am not confident about this thing at all. But I'm going to work my ass off on making it something readable, aiming to fix it into a better shape by the end of April, ready for your eyes. We will see how that goes.

As if this wasn’t enough, I have actually started the next short story as well. It’s the sequel to The Triangular Theory Of Love, and is flowing easy. That said, I realised it's a bit ridic to try and balance so much fiction in one go, because it’s not healthy to try live in so many different character’s minds at once. So I am putting this one aside for now, but am still confident that it will be released before the end of the year. Regardless, all of this adds up to a potentially substantial year for The Goat’s Nest, owed mostly in part to what I am about to talk about right now.


THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
I took a lengthy break from my debut novella, but it was intentional. I was racing through it with 8 chapters rough-to-well-done, leaving 4 left to do. I figured a few months off would give me time to clear my mind and then take it on with a bit more of a fresher brain. But I am happy to announce I am back on this bitch, and am seriously hoping it will be launched mid-year, whatever "launching" it means. I am soooo fucking amped!!!!


FORMSPRING
Still going strong with this nonsense, here are some of the best ones as of late:

Either The Dumbest Or The Smartest Question I've Ever Been Asked
Why Are Children So Evil?
Would I Rather Get a Massage From A Man, Or Surgery From A Female?
If I Could Be A Political Leader Of Any Country, What Would It Be?
If I Had To Suck Off One Of My Male Friends, Who Would It Be?
Would I Ever Pierce My Genitalia To Another Person's Genitalia?

I am answering roughly one question a week, so go ahead and ask me something, you will be amazed.


THE FUNPOWDER PLOT
Despite my concerns over what 2013 might hold for this project (and despite the fact that Kris is on holiday in South Africa as we speak), the rest of the crew got together and had an in-depth meeting about our future and our next piece. We narrowed it down to one, had another meeting about that specific topic, and then actually managed to film the whole fucking thing last Saturday. I have no idea how it will turn out, as it was the most painful shoot we have ever done (over 12 hours of filming!) but at least we got something. The post production started last night, and while I have no idea how long this will take, it is looking pretty cool and we are all beyond excited to get it over with. And no, for a change, I am not the star, as the script revolves around the two Funpowder members we see the least of... INTRIGUING, NO?


COMING DOWN HAPPY
As it is the tradition in Western culture to celebrate birthdays as well as Valentine's Day, it is a bit of a ballache that these two dates are the exact same dates for my girlfriend. However, I did good, and one of those good things I gone and done was to remake a song I wrote for her last year. It was called If Lizzie Was A Facebook Page, put together with a video and everythang, which you can watch here. Due to its success with my girlfriend and otherwise, I decided to remake the song as a proper Coming Down Happy single, complete with (rad) album artwork and whatever else you fancy. So listen or download that here. It’s probably not my best work and was a bit rushed, but all in all, it’s great to be constantly churning this side of my creativity to the outside.

Here is Lizzie with the hard copy of the single, in case you wanted to see:

What this also means, is that Coming Down Happy will now be potently focusing on The Black EP, finally. Like I think I reported before, it won’t be released with four tracks in one shot like the debut White EP, but rather one song/video at a time. The first of which, I am aiming to get done by the end of March, but who knows? Not me. Regardless, the music of that track is around 85% done; the lyrics about the same; and the drawings about 10% complete (but in reality, probably less). It doesn’t matter, because I am determined and amped, and that’s how things get done around here.


WE CAN NOW MEASURE LOVE BY IN-JOKES AND PET NAMES
Finally (and related to the whole Lizzie birthday ordeal), I put together a book for her. It’s a fictional story based on (as the title suggests) our in-jokes and pet names. So it won’t make much sense to you, but was a total fucking hit with her. I even got copies printed, which was a learning experience in itself. My first printed book! Definitely not my last! I KNOW THINGS NOW! Anyways, you can read it here, and this is the said girl with her present:

And that's all I have to say, except that the redesign for the main Juice Nothing page is in the Photoshop stage, and so it should be out within year. Speak sooner, or later, or whatever.

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MMXIII

Oh, hello.

This will be the last news item of 2012. But instead of getting all reminiscent and nostalgic about the year that has passed (I’m saving that for the up and coming Dear 2012 article, by the way), I thought I would spend this round telling you not only what you may have missed since the last update, but also what my plans are for 2013 itself. This is very counter-intuitive for me, as I generally like to keep most of my future ideas under tight wraps, but I figured, what the hell, nobody reads these anyway.

Let’s begin.


JUICE NOTHING
Since last update, a whole 3 articles have been launched. They were as follows:

Another 10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter
The fourth installment of my ongoing Twitter series, I was actually more happy with this one than any others before. Sure, it’s still a throwaway piece. but it has actually wracked up a ton more hits than I anticipated, and that made me stoked. I even got responses back from some of the entries (Preschool Gems favourited it; Text-Based Instagram retweeted it; and who is dubstep retweeted it AND responded with “thanks how much moeny have i won”). It means nothing.

The Top 20 Album Artworks of 2012 (according to me)
On the other hand, this piece which I was very proud of didn’t get much attention whatsoever. Still, it’s not about hits (is it?), it’s about how I feel, and I feel great. So much so, that I think I can say with all certainty that this first-of-a-kind will join the regular ongoing yearly annual posts, meaning: expect a new one every single year, until I die.

The Top 50 Albums of 2012 (according to me)
This piece was launched right now, and I am beyond happy with it. I think I covered everything I need to say about the thing in its introduction, but I must emphasise that this was by far the greatest Best Album blog I've ever done. I worked hard on it, I didn't take it too seriously, and 2012 was an excellent year of music, which I think all shows. That said, I expect the best album of the year to come out within the next few weeks just to piss me off, because God hates me.

This means that there is one article left to do this year, which is the aforementioned Dear 2012 regular. Expect that in 10 days or so.


JUICE NOTHING 2013
Like most years, I have a pretty good idea of what articles will be published in the up and coming months. Without giving too many details away, some of the most likely candidates to appear during 2013 will be:

The Best Of Juice Nothing
The Juice Nothing Expansion Pack
How to Write a Album Review Good Like Jared
The Best Films Ever (according to me)
The sister blog to The Top 20 Naughtiest Musicians, Ever
Streamline Your Life Like Jared Woods (a self help guide)
The Universe and Everything Else
My Brief Brushes With Greatness Part III

And, of course, the usual Top Album Covers Of 2013; Top Albums Of 2013; and Dear 2013.

(By the way, if there are any on that above list that you’d personally like to read more than others, drop me a mail and let me know which one. I’ll work on it right away. Seriously, if you are reading this, you are one of the very few, and your opinion will be the right kind of encouragement to make it happen)

Besides these, I have this nagging ambition to rebuild Juice Nothing from the ground up in 2013. While I don’t think it will look all that different, the current build isn’t perfect and I could make it much better in so many ways. I was thinking of releasing a survey so people could tell me exactly what they wanted, but then I was like, lol, I probably won’t rebuild it actually.

But two things I am definitely hoping to add would be (1) an art section where I can show off the fartsy side of me, and (2) a better way to integrate my formspring answers into the whole thing.


FORMSPRING
Actually, speaking of Formspring quickly, I have been slowly getting back into it lately, and have been answering one a week, which I intend to keep up somewhat in 2013 too. The better questions I've answered recently are as follows:

Explaining why I took a break from formspring in the first place
Would I rather get my fingers or my nose replaced by penises? Part II
Did I start playing music to get chicks?
Assorted animals attack me whilst I'm naked, with full intentions to kill me. How many could I take on?
Given the choice, would I travel back or forwards in time?
The tragic story of how formspring deleted a whole load of my unanswered inbox questions :(
Which Avenger character would I be?
Did Hitler ever say "I love you" and mean it?
It's been 5 years, isn't it time I gave Maddie back?
Would I rather rape a puppy or a kitten?


THE GOAT’S NEST 2013
I have big plans for TGN next year. I have an idea which would kinda be a follow on from The Triangular Theory of Love, which I hope to start soon. I have also started another one which is pretty crap and may be scrapped, but we will see if I can dig it into something.

But biggest of all (and I am super excited to talk about for this for first time) will be my debut novella. I planned it to be just another short story, but besides being too good to be wasted on my blog, it is also getting far too long to be called a short story anymore. I started the thing in early 2005 or so, but only recently found it again, and have been working on it like a madman ever since. Roughly 7ish chapters of a planned 12 are finished. It will definitely be out next year. I will try get it published or printed professionally, but if that doesn’t work, it will be a downloadable pdf or some eBook thang. It’s called This Is Your Brain On Drugs, and I am arguably more amped about this than anything else of 2013.


THE FUNPOWDER PLOT
As promised, probably our biggest 2012 video was launched on Halloween. It’s called Jared’s Tale (which is me. I'm Jared.) and I think the whole thing speaks for itself and I don’t need to speak about it anymore, ever again. What I will say though, is that it has got quite a few hits in a short space of time, and so all fear aside, we are very stoked with it.

Believe it or not, yet another Funpowder Plot video will be released before the end of the month. It's just a fun little thing Ash put together, but it will conclude what has been a massively successful year for our little crew.


THE FUNPOWDER PLOT 2013
It is with a heavy heavy heart that I report 2012 may have possibly been the last proper year of FPP as we know it - but we always knew that. Certain members are fed up with London and are looking at getting the hell out. It sucks, but I just keep telling myself that this is not a band, there will never be a good reason to “break up”, and content could always continue regardless of collaboration or where in the world it’s coming from. We can do nothing but wait and see, I guess.

But we still have loads of unmade ideas, including a Vice-like documentary that can’t be too far from the filming stage, and of course, a Coming Down Happy video - if anyone cares. These things have got to get made, and will be made, even if I make them myself. Anyways, while we’re on that topic...


COMING DOWN HAPPY
Actually quite a bit of news on this side. First, I played my second gig right after the last news item was posted, and it sucked. Regardless, you can watch me perform And As Soon As I Ejaculated I Knew That I Had Made A Mistake from said gig below.

Next up, I grew increasingly fed-up with relying on other people in order to record my vocals for new songs. I decided I had to bite the bullet and splash some cash, resulting in some new toys for me to play with and get the job done faster. Check out my new studio:

Finally (and it sucks that I can't announce this properly now, because it's just not quite out yet), in two days (12/12/12 - see what I did there?) a BRAND NEW COMING DOWN HAPPY SINGLE will be released!!! It's called I Sold Out and will be accompanied by a cover of Regina Spektor's Chemo Limo as a b-side. It will be available for download on this page and it totally sucks.


COMING DOWN HAPPY 2013
While there is a chance yet another 1-track single may be released in one way or another within the first few months of 2013, priority most definitely will be going onto The Black EP (the sequel to that last EP). Musically, I am actually pretty stoked with where they are at, and I’d say I am roughly 56% done instrumentally with a solid direction for themes and lyrics. To be honest, I am not sure the whole thing will be released at once like last time, but rather one song at a time, as I finish each video. We will see how this goes.

But as I’ve already mentioned, The Loop Project is what I am most amped for (check last news item if you don’t know what this is), and I really hope it happens in 2013. I can’t imagine it will take all that long to do, but I reckon it could be super awesome, especially if I have those songs done in time for my one and only 2013 gig, which should take place near the end of the year. I am also thinking of doing a Atmospheric Black Metal EP now, but maybe that’s silly.

Oh yeah, I also have that comic idea, and have been thinking about making a Coming Down Happy PC game. But you know me.


OTHER 2013
I’m hoping my so-called band will get off the ground and practice and maybe play some gigs.
I also have this online choose-your-own-adventure type game idea which could almost be seen as the glue which will tie everything I’ve ever done together, in a way.
My autobiography, man. I need to work on this, but it just doesn’t ever feel like a priority. I can’t rush this and there is no way it’ll be out in 2013, but I at least hope to get some sort of a skeleton done for it. I really feel like this is a special thing. If I won the lotto, I’d go live in Thailand for a year and finish it immediately.
I also have 2 other ideas which I won’t talk about here, sorry, but will give them the code names TRAINER ARTWORK and GOOGLE MONEY.


I am going to be in South Africa until the end of January, so besides that Dear 2012 thing in 10 days, don’t expect too much from me until Feb. Of course, the world is supposed to explode or whatever on the 21st, so maybe nothing I have ever done matters anyway.

See you then!
Jared

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