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Thursday 29 July 2010

Everything All Of The Time

Jared Woods Is An Army AntHey, hows it going?

As most people who follow me know (yes, I am talking to the five of you) I shut down Art-Pulp. The decision came to me in the middle of a heavy late-night binge, and it made extreme sense until I woke up the next day. I couldn’t believe I could think such things, since all the other Juices had pretty much died, it was all I had left.

But then as I continued to update it, I realised that the seed had been planted and I just simply had to let it go. It will free up so much needed time that I can focus on projects that are original and focused, not a shitty Art-Site that was built using tables and had zero SEO value whatsoever. For more on this, check the site.

The Gravy Stroke is not called The Gravy Stroke anymore, I think. Certain members weren’t happy with the name and that is their right, so we have begun the painful and rigorous process of trying to all agree on a new one. We have a few ideas. Regardless, this hasn’t stop the train going full force as our first short feature Nitrous Of The Living Dead is very close to the finish line, plus we shot a ton of footage for a music video by False Flags. Editing has begun, haven’t seen much of it but I know it will be ill.

Coming Down Happy has been somewhat slow. I have a loop for 2 separate songs, the concept and lyrics are coming together, but I was hoping a lot more would’ve happened by now. To help this along, I am rereading Scar Tissue by Anthony Kiedis for the sixth time, and expect that familiar burning desire to kick in any second now.

I am also about a quarter way through the rough of a new blog, hopefully get it done next week?

Finally, I have started my autobiography. Was planning to only begin next year, but it just makes sense to start now. I know this may sound boring, but I am 75% sure that this will be the thing to push my fame/infamy to the next level.

Also, go check out my formspring, it’s going crazy lately.

Much love, thanks for reading.
Jared

Thursday 8 July 2010

Jared Woods Is Gheppy

Jared Woods is GheppyLife is starting to make a lot of sense to me.

It’s like I have been lost in a desert. But now I can see something in the distance. I’m squinting as hard as I can, but it is a very blurry, shiny mess. But it’s there. Visible. Attainable.

I am walking towards it, and the sense that it is becoming more focused and definite sends electric bubbles to my stomach. It’s waiting for me. It’s waiting for all of us. And we’re all going to get there.

I think you’re all great anyway.

Nobodies perfect though. I ordered a book about Cubase from Amazon, but those stupid fucks messed it up. NEVER go through Home Delivery Network. They are so stupid, their excuse was “well, we probably left it outside your front-door and it got stolen”. Uhm, dude, I live in Hackney, it’s amazing my front-door is still there. Anyways, as soon as I get that, Coming Down Happy FULL FORCE.

More exciting though is The Gravy Stroke. We recently shot our fourth and first official short-film “Nitrous Of The Living Dead”, and it is nearly edited to perfection. It looks fantastic and will be done very soon. We have ideas coming out of our asses, I am surrounded by such amazingness, the website is being discussed quickly.

Art-Pulpitations saw new work from Natalie Rose and The Freewheelin’ Troubadour. I have soooo many pieces just waiting to go up, I am overloaded, might take a while to catchup.

Finally, I just wrote a blog titled: How To Get Away With Saying Anything On The Internet. It’s educational.

It’s so easy to update this blog, I will do often.

How To Get Away With Saying Anything On The Internet

The full name of this article is:
How To Get Away With Saying Anything On The Internet Without Being Anonymous, Because Anonymous Internet Trolls Can’t Take A Punch And Masturbate Too Much.

How To Get Away With Saying Anything On The InternetThere is a reason for the internet. It is so we can all puke our guts out, take up virtual space and waste people’s precious online time. And it is also here so we can inspect other people’s puke. And soon we begin to notice that some people have a much higher quality of puke than others, and we may continue to inspect theirs for longer periods of time.

I puke a lot. All over Twitter, all over Facebook, all over domain names I own, all over domain names I don’t. If you think this is bad you should hear how I talk in real life. And very often I have been known to say some things that have raised some questions and sometimes got me in trouble pretty badly. Sent to sit in the corner and what-not. That’s because I like to talk about people in front of everyone else, including the person I am talking about. I love to talk about sex and violence and blasphemy because that’s what I want everyone else to talk about. But in time, I have had to find sneaky and clever ways to do so, with excuses already in place and just skimming the radar. And now I am sharing this shit onto you, because at the end of the day, I’m not that bad of a guy really. Really.

Shed your self-consciousness, get ready to liberate yourself and puke on everything you want to in front of anyone else.


Michael Jackson Looks Like The DevilMethod 1: The Michael Jackson "Bunny Ears"

Overview: Put everything you say in "quotation marks".

You should view quotation marks as pillows on either side of your punches. Because people like pillows, but are too quick to forget that they are being smothered and suffocated, a very popular method of murder to this day.

Let me give you an example:

A man named Paul Chambers was ordered to pay a £385 fine, a £15 victims surcharge and £600 costs due to a very expensive joke under 140 characters long. That’s right, the 26 year old vented his airport frustrations to his 600 followers via Twitter with the following remark:

Cunt! Robin Hood Airport is closed. You've got a week and a bit to get your shit together, otherwise I'm blowing the airport sky high!

Now, these days people take airport threats very seriously, the law got wind of the blurb, and the shit hit the fan. Perhaps the reaction was a little extreme, but I promise you that he would have had a better case in court if he had just said:

“Cunt! Robin Hood Airport is closed. You've got a week and a bit to get your shit together, otherwise I'm blowing the airport sky high!”

Notice the punctuation? Now who said it? Did he say it? Surely if he put quotations on his own update, it basically means anyone else had said it besides himself. Fuck, he could’ve heard it on the TV, read it on the net or even heard it from a coworker.

Of course, if you wanted to say that exact status right now, you could say:

“Cunt! Robin Hood Airport is closed. You've got a week and a bit to get your shit together, otherwise I'm blowing the airport sky high!” - Paul Chambers

It is my understanding that Mr. Chambers has been banned from said airport. But I’m sure he got a ton more followers.

You want to take it up a notch? Check out this example (click for the full thing):


Don't Fuck Children
Alllllright, so some of my statuses are heavy. But this is major hectic. Saying something like this is just asking for a bunch of trouble, so in a small way, respect to the guy. But if you wanted to talk about your desire to sleep with an infant, you shouldn't blurt it out unprotected. Here is how you do it: use your Bunny Ears, and then add a little extra l33t-speak-pillow on the end, like this:

“I wonder what it would be like to fuck a baby, just image how tight it would be lol” - OMGWTF!?!?!

You see, now you are quoting someone else AND expressing disapproval. Once the readers understand what you are talking about, they will probably just respond in much the same way you ended your Tweet. And you can agree “yeah, messed up hey”, and then laugh.

Although these (extreme) examples are actual quotes and you probably don't want to say such things, using this technique you can express WHATEVER you want. It neatly passes the blame onto someone else easily and effortlessly. Even if that person doesn’t exist and you have to make them up, it doesn’t matter. Seriously, think of the WORST thing you could ever say, apply the above method, get off without a scratch. Job done.


Gary Glitter Touches KidsMethod 2: The Gary Glitter Scapegoat

Overview: Hide behind song lyrics.

This one is in much the same vain, and has a few easy-to-use angles.

One way is to quote actual real song lyrics, and with all the Hip-hop and the Death Metal in the world, it won’t be hard finding the right song that says everything you desire. Kind of of like Hallmark meets Scat Porn.

Take a look at these, the worst examples I could think of off hand:

I'll tear chunks from your pussy. Red and wet. Mangled unborn baby.
I'll put Anthrax on your Tampax and slap you till you can't stand. Girl you just blew your chance.
I Didnt Even Touch Her So I Cant Be Blamed. 5 Year Old Pantyshot In My Brain. My Life Has Meaning When She Spreads Her Legs.

Lyrics 1:
Devourment - Baby Killer
Lyrics 2: Eminem - Superman
Lyrics 3: Mindless Self Indulgence - Pantyshot

Once again, there is a good chance you wouldn’t want to ever say anything like this, but you get my point. These are actual song lyrics, and anyone with a little bit of google time will find that these are legit once you tell them. “It’s just really hectic song lyrics, calm down”.

However, be warned, it can backfire. I once had this girlfriend and I changed my status to Marilyn Manson's User Friendly, which goes:

I’m not in love, but I’m gonna fuck you ‘til somebody better comes along.

Within an hour, our relationship status had been terminated by her without warning. I was cool with it though. If she couldn't handle that, she wasn’t going to dig the group anal sex I had planned for that evening.

Now, of course, there is an even easier way. Don’t look for lyrics at all. Seriously, just say whatever you want and then just claim they are song lyrics. If you’re clever, make it rhyme or poetic, like:

Do you remember what we did on your daddy’s bed when we were kids?
Stupid slut think she can fight, but I will prove her wrong tonight
I’ve seen those photos your penis while I was peering through your PC last evening

All of these were made on the spot. Can you tell? Regardless, this method is great because you can almost get cocky about it if people give you shit. Just say something like “um, it’s a Snoop Dogg* song actually, you do know Snoop Dogg don’t you??” And then the person will feel embarrassed and uneducated and is probably too stupid to use google to split your lie anyway.

* - Snoop Dogg could be traded for any given artist, but just try tailor it specifically towards something that people have heard about but probably don’t know very well. Like: Neil Young, Dimmu Borgir or Sonic Youth.

Finally, the BEST thing about this method EVER is that you can even use it after you realised you would get into trouble. When I was a bit younger, I once facebooked something which was obviously about a certain girl. In some poetic way I can’t remember, I called her a bitch and explained how it was no surprise people always break-up with her. Total wanker, yeah, but I was on drugs at the time. I received a very angry email from her and things weren't looking good. I thought quickly, told her to chill, said it was a Radiohead song, and the whole thing blew over. LOLZ. I don’t do that kind of thing anymore.


MacGyver Would Murder Chuck NorrisMethod 3: MacGyver's Lock System

Overview: Encode what you say.

This one is higher grade. It's slightly difficult, and generally stands more as an in-joke than anything else. It is best suited for those of you who are chicken-shit in nature but still want to get stuff out into the open as a form of release.

It’s all about hiding what you are trying to say in one way or another under a disguise. The most popular way? Different languages.

Just go to Babel Fish, type in your English phrase and then pick the language you want. Whah-lah, you have a status update that 95% of people will be waaay too lazy to re-translate, even if they know how. However, rest assured that the only people who will translate it will be the same people you don’t want to.

Besides this, there are many other ways that I’m sure you can figure out for yourself. One is to use the first letters of words to spell out something funny or contradictory. For example:

Jesus Overdosed, Killed Enduring Syphilis :(
= JOKES
Let’s Overview the Vaginal Excrement
= LOVE

Even though people may still be upset, they will most likely laugh once you point out that there is smarts to your disgusting ways, making you sound advanced and possibly getting you off the hook.

This goes on forever, and depends how deep you want to go. Anagrams for example:

"I have a large penis! please her vagina!"
“What did you say??”
“Look, the two sentences are made up of the same letters!”
“Oh, I see, you are actually very clever and I am worried that if I question you any further I may look stupid”

"WOMAN HITLER!"
“That’s not funny! How can you be so sexist?”
“No, it’s an anagram for MOTHER IN LAW, see?”
“Oh, that is funny, sorry”

Make your own here:
Wordsmith's Anagram Generator

Palindromes:

Dog food lid: dildo of God!
As I pee, sir, I see Pisa!

“Wtf, you on about Jared?”
“It’s the same letters backwards! Look!"
“Oh, palindromes! Do you want to fuck me sometime?”


HIDE BEHIND LITERACY!
There are many other examples, you can use almost all of these in one way or another:
Wikipedia's Forms Of Word Play

The final way of hiding which works (especially if you want to attack someone directly but discreetly just to get it out of your system) is if you cover a message over a few different sites. For example maybe:

On Buzz:
I just want to say one thing in the world to my boss...
Then on Facebook:
And the one thing in the world is...
On Twitter:
You are the ugliest woman I have ever seen.

Only your closest friends will get it. And they may laugh. But to be honest, if you are doing it this way, you might as well just write in Morse-Code or something.


Leatherface is a DickMethod 4: Leatherface's Merciless Hacking

Overview: Play The Victim. Destroy Everything.

If all else fails, you can pull out the biggest gun of all. Unfortunately, more than likely you will only be able to use this once, and it’s difficult to pull off properly. Advanced shit my friends.

It’s the age-old “Ah, fuck, my friend hi-jacked my facebook! Thanks a lot you cunt!” You just pull this out of the bag directly after you say something way too extreme to take responsibility for. It’s not your fault, somebody facefucked you.

This works especially well if you manage to get a friend in on it too. Get said friend to comment back “Hahaha, raped you dude”. If you are purposefully aiming at an individual, just make sure the two people involved aren’t friends. And then you can just say to the victim: “No, I did mention to him/her that we had an argument. He/She obviously thought it was funny to post that, which it wasn’t”. And then you owe your buddy one.

Alternatively, you can actually hack someone's account if you manage to spot one unguarded (which happens so fucking often, let’s face it). Use it to directly attack someone else or say something that could cause massive trouble. The poor schmuck will get all the blame and you will laugh to yourself, and then burn in hell.

I have done some HORRIFIC things to facebook profiles left open at Internet-Cafes, and I feel a bit wrong about it. But I do believe that I taught them an important lesson about logging out of things on public computers.

And finally,


George W Bush Gives The FingerMethod 5: The George W. Bush

Overview: Stop giving a fuck.

Just remember: If you tailor your updates to fit into people’s opinion of things, you are no better than an underground band who waters down songs for radio. It's about fucking integrity. Be proud of who you are and what you have to say. SHOUT IT OUT, WHATEVER YOU LIKE. Some people will stop listening to you, sure, but you will be happy to notice which are the people who stick around with you and still find you funny.

And nothing you can EVER say will convince the whole world to exclude you. Believe me - I’ve tried.






Tuesday 29 June 2010

Brand New Juice Nothing!

Juice Nothing is very fancyFuck yeah. So welcome to the new Juice Nothing, please, make yourself at home. Allow me to point out a few very important differences that you should become aware of.

First of all: you may have noticed that you are on a
Blogger page. All articles and news updates will now be put here. The reason for this is that I can smack updates out much faster and you can even comment on them.

The next thing is the fancy-schmancy home page on the official site http://www.JuiceNothing.com which now displays any updates from all the projects I am working on. This will get updated fucking often, so if you are one of the rare people who actually like everything I do, this is why this website was made.

Something you might not have noticed is all the stuff behind the scenes. It is the most friendly site I have ever coded, and includes stuff you've heard of like PHP, JQuery, CSS driven Divs, JavaScript, Flash and other stuff. It is also PISS easy for me to update.

Other sections include The Juices (details on current projects); Not Juices (other stuff I have around the net); and The Future (details on the projects you can expect soon). I have also decided to write a new blog-article monthly, expect one soon.

I hope you enjoy your stay, follow me on Twitter to get updates faster than all your friends.

In other news: We just had our 1-year Art-Pulpitations birthday. To celebrate, we got our best artists to submit new stuff, turned out to be the best month ever. Now that it is over,
Joshua Dusk is out July Artist Of The Month, while Frank Moody's Flies on Dogfood is our piece of the month. It's all so good, damn.

I also met
Lily Allen while I was remaking the site, so Help Jared Woods Meet Lily Allen is OVER. This means I have more time, which will look like this: The Gravy Stroke will be the next project. It is a series of short films, a collaborative effort between a lot of talent. You wouldn't believe how close we are.

Coming Down Happy is also building up momentum fast.

I feel like something is about to happen.

Tuesday 15 June 2010

The Top 20 Naughtiest Musicians, Ever

Originally Written: 01/04/10



If I say "
naughty rockstar", and you think of stories about Ozzy Osbourne eating pigeons; Marilyn Manson removing ribs so he can blow himself (he didn't btw); Mötley Crüe having sex with everything that moves; or Tupac committing drive-by's with his homies... you are in for a treat.

Because these shock-artists and onstage personas are
NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING in comparison to the horror tales I'm about to tell you. Cradle Of Filth might use images of crucified virgins, but have they ever actually killed anyone? Thom Yorke might whine about depression but has he ever had voices in his head telling him to hurt himself? I don't think so.

These are the top-20 100% authentic most
FUCKED UP individuals in the world of music. But be warned, some of these stories might make you laugh, some might make you cry, some might make you puke - but NONE of it should be tried at home or anywhere. I also don't promote such behavior, but it makes one hell of a good story.

Read:

Richey Edwards

20. Richey Edwards


Manic Street Preachers got pretty famous, and I never liked them. However, their guitarist/lyricist Richey was a character of note. He started off as their driver and ended up in the forefront of the band, which is any roadie's wet dream. Never mind the fact that he had no musical talent whatsoever, and often mimed his guitar playing on stage.

But such details aren't important, because he was "deep", right? He was a cutter (like so many are these days) and often publicly expressed his love for self mutilation. In fact, once he got into a heated debate with
NME journalist Steve Lamacq, who challenged Richey's authenticism claiming that they weren't "real". Richey carved the words "4 Real" onto his arm which required 17 stitches to fix. Click here to see the bloody scene, it's pretty fucking real.

He also loved to burn himself with cigarettes and eventually ended up at the
The Priory mental institution. He was pretty depressed, so they say.

Then on the 1 Feb 1995... he vanished. Gone, gone, without a trace. And despite various supposed sightings, he was never actually seen again, and has been officially presumed dead since Nov 2008.
Where'd ya go Richey??

Screamin' Jay Hawkins

19. Screamin' Jay Hawkins


Best known for his song
I Put A Spell On You which he doesn't remember recording. But we remember it, especially because it has been covered by Marilyn Manson, Nick Cave, Iggy Pop, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Ray Charles and Nina Simone.

His second most famous song was
Constipation Blues, which he would sing on stage from a toilet.

Dig a little deeper, and you will learn that he was quite a weird guy. According to the documentary "
I Put a Spell On Me" he was tortured during World War II and retaliated by blowing his chief tormentors head off by taping a grenade to the guy's mouth and pulling the pin.

However, the reason I put him on this list was that he fathered 57 children, all of which he had no contact with par one daughter. Following his death (a botched surgery to remove an aneurysm was the cause), one of his final wishes was that all his kids got contacted. A now defunct website was set-up and received 2000 hits a day, but I don't believe they were all located. I tried to claim I was one of his kiddies, but apparently I was too white.
Racism!!!

Per Dead Yngve Ohlin

18. Per "Dead" Yngve Ohlin


Yes, his stage name was "
Dead". Painfully unoriginal, but very fitting as you are about to find out. I don't want to give anything away, but yeah, he's dead.

In 1984, I was born.
REPRESENT. But also, a Norwegian black metal band named Mayhem started making music, and they are still going to this day. They have gone through so many member changes it's disorientating, but none of them are as notorious as Dead.

According to his band mates, he was very distant and to himself, never feeling very alive. Which is the formula to every goth I have ever met. He also cut himself with broken glass on stage, often amongst pig and sheep heads on stakes. This went on for 3 years until
Dead realised he was actually Alive, and slit his wrists until he couldn't slit his wrists no more. Then he blew his brain out with a shotgun. Literally. His brain was pretty much still intact but on the outside. His suicide note apologised for firing a gun indoors and asked readers to please excuse the blood. What a swell guy!

His band mates found him, and instead of calling the police, went and bought a disposable camera to take photos of the scene. 'Cos like, what are friends for?

Eventually the photo was used as one of their album covers, which you can see here.
NSFW, or anywhere else.

Vince Taylor

17. Vince Taylor


As the frontman for
The Playboys, Vince will be remembered forever for a few different reasons. One of these reasons would be his song Brand New Cadillac, which was covered by The Clash on their epically legendary classic album London Calling. Another reason would be his stints playing as a studio musician with Frank Zappa and Jimi Hendrix.

More likely, he will be remembered for his excessive drug use which lead to much erratic behavior and a downward sprial. Sometimes he would play a show alright, other times he wouldn't be able to get a note out, which resulted from the band firing him once or twice.

Something he will definitely be remembered for was whilst playing a large show in
London, he declared to the crowd that he was biblical prophet Matthew. Shortly afterwards he quit his band and joined a religious movement. He spent his last years as an airplane mechanic.

But how most of us will remember him is by the character
Ziggy Stardust, who Vince was by admission of Bowie, the main inspiration. Dude, that rocks.

Leadbelly

16. Leadbelly


Leadbelly was awesome. His tracks have touched so many people that they have been covered from such diverse acts like Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Grateful Dead, The White Stripes and The Doors, to name but a few. You probably know his work best from when Nirvana covered Where Did You Sleep Last Night on Unplugged in NY.

Beyond music, he was a violent man by nature, and had many issues with the law. In 1915 he was convicted for carrying a gun, and got sent to jail. He escaped and changed his name, but 3 years later he killed one of his relatives and got locked up proper, sentenced to 7-35 years.

After serving 7 years, his bare minimum, he wrote a song to
Governor Pat Morris Neff which highlighted his religious beliefs and his desire to be released. The Governor himself being a religious man was touched, and when reviewing Leadbelly's file took note that he had been very well behaved. And with that, released him back into the world.

To me this is amazing. He used the persuasion of music to get out of prison, and that is beyond cool.

5 years later, he stabbed a guy and went directly back to jail. Sinner! This round he recorded hundreds of songs whilst incarcerated which predates this popular method used by hip-hop stars til this day. He got let out for good behaviour after serving his minimum sentence once again. Good on ya
Leadbelly! Stick it to the man brother!!

“One of the few ex-cons who recorded a popular children’s album.” - Bob Dylan

Absurd

15. Absurd


Hailing from
Germany, they are one of the best-known National Socialist black metal bands in the world, filled with white power lyrics and anti-christian messages. Which is naughty enough, but anybody can talk the talk. Absurd, on the other hand, walked the walk, then ran the ran, and then murdered somebody.

In 1993 a 15 year old boy named
Sandro Beyer started spreading rumours about the band. So three of the members managed to convince the boy to meet up with them to discuss the allegations. Then they strangled him to death with an electrical chord. Obviously they got caught, and the one member Andreas Kirchner was infamously quoted saying "Oh shit, I completely fucked up my life".

However, they were all released 5 years later because they were under the age of 18 when they committed the crime. They used the gravestone of
Sandro Beyer as their one album cover, which is a little tasteless if you ask anyone really. Möbus then violated his parole by flashing the Nazi salute on stage, which is illegal in Germany. He tried to escape to America, but they caught him and he served a further 4 years or so. They are all out and about again, and Absurd still continues to this day.

Rockbitch

14. Rockbitch


Stories about bands like
Led Zeppelin or Mötley Crüe and their backstage sex stories are told all over the world by little pimply-faced teenagers dreaming about being a rockstars, and me. But what about the female rockstars? Do they fuck a bunch of groupies and then snort coke off of their genitals? I fucking hope so. And if there was ever any evidence that this is so, here it is: Rockbitch.

For most of their career they were a 5-piece all girl band, some straight, some bisexual, some lesbian. They played Goth-Punk-Rock music, but this was overshadowed by their intense stage shows which got them banned in
Canada and most of the UK.

How intense exactly? Well, for starters, they performed
Pagan rituals with various skulls and other such things in between playing their songs. They all performed naked and had no problem fucking each other with dildo's and beer bottles for the entertainment of the audience. Which is way above the call of duty if you ask me. There were blow-up dolls and there was fisting. One member's only role in the band was to be the rest of the group's sex slave.

But one of their most notable aspects was called
The Golden Condom, which they would throw into the audience. Whoever caught it, male or female, would be brought backstage and one or more members would fuck the shit out of them.

People have claimed that they just used sex and satanism to sell bad music, but I for one think it is is about liberation for women, as female sexuality is still not as free as it should be. Apparently
Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers agrees, as it has been reported that he is a big fan of their music and political stance. Which is the adult way of saying he enjoys naked women fucking everything.

Vinicius Yoñlu Gageiro Marques

13. Vinicius "Yoñlu" Gageiro Marques

I feel like of every entry, this one was the most likely not to be included as it doesn't quite fit the theme. However, the story is relatively unknown and yet quite incredible, I felt it was my duty to spread it just a little bit further.

Imagine this: A 17-year old boy. Complex. Confused. Sensitive. Depressed in a society that just never understood him. I've heard that story before. Except
Southwestern Brazilian Yoñlu just couldn't take it. In 2006 his dad found him in his bathroom, dead from carbon monoxide intoxication. His little boy had killed himself. No parent could predict such a thing, but seeing as Vinicus spent most of his time on the internet and had no real life friends, it could've been forseen in someways.

Next the suicide note was found, blaming no one for his death and explaining how it could never have been prevented.

Once the police got involved, the real life of
Yoñlu began to emerge: his online person. He was a regular on many music, gaming and suicide forums, filled with posts putting himself down, personal turmoil, and an overwhelming desire to die. He was online on the suicide forum right up until his last moments, his equally depressed friends with him all the way.

Then after digging a bit deeper, his parents were not only surprised to find that
Yoñlu had been writing and recording hundreds of songs, but he had also developed a small but strong cult following on the internet. Fans from England, Scotland, Belgium, Canada and North Africa would often express to him how much they loved him, to once he infamously responded "Today I came home thinking about suicide, but reading all these nice words made me postpone that."

His songs, while self loathing (even one titled
Suicide) remind me of the lo-fi Frusciante work. It was undeveloped, but as his fans said, he could've been huge. Guess we will never know, as life got the best of someone once again. Posthumously "A Society in Which No Tear Is Shed Is Inconceivably Mediocre" was released. And it's a lovely piece of work.

Very sad.

Premature Ejaculation

12. Premature Ejaculation


The story begins with
Rozz Williams, who was a busy guy. While fronting Christian Death and Shadow Project, he earned himself the title of one of the godfathers of Deathrock.

However, it was his project
Premature Ejaculation which earned the place on this list. He was dating a performance artistboy named Ron Anthey, and they were both really weird and probably had weird sex and made this band. They were known to throw meatballs and eyeballs into the crowd during shows. This kind of pissed people off, but they let it slide.

Until one day,
Anthey decided to eat a roadkill cat in front of the audience, and after that little incident, they found it hard to book gigs. You don't say? Dude, you ate a fucking dead cat.

Anthey still does weird performance stuff. Rozz decided to rather hang himself on April Fools day 1998. The jokes on him though. He's dead.

Daniel Johnston

11. Daniel Johnston


One of the most famous people on this list, and someone I have been a proper fan of for a while.
Daniel was pretty much born unstable, but after taking way too much LSD in 80s, he became full blown bipolar along with being extremely productive. In 4 years he recorded 9 albums in his home.

His weird lo-fi style didn't meet much commercial gain, but developed a solid cult following especially through other musicians.
Sonic Youth, Flaming Lips, Tom Waits, Beck all covered his stuff. Matt Groening of The Simpsons fame openly calls him one of his favourite artists. Hell, Kurt Cobain called him the "greatest songwriter on Earth".

But all this mad-genius came with a price as
Daniel went further and further down the rabbit hole. He became obsessed with The Devil, eyeballs and Mountain Dew soft drink to the point of wanting to be their spokesperson. But when he attacked his manager with a lead pipe, he was committed into a mental institution, and spent many years leaving and then going back. In fact, he is the only example I have ever heard of where a label (Atlantic in this case) signed someone who was put away. It was even in his contract that he didn't have to perform if his mental issues got in the way. He loved The Beatles and was so insane at one stage that he devised a plan to get them to reunite with him as the frontman.

The stories go on forever, but the one that needs to be told is about his obsession with
Casper. He BELIEVED he was Casper. How much did he believe this? A lot. Once he was flying in a plane which was owned and piloted by his father. Daniel grabbed the keys out of the ignition stalling the plane, and then threw them out of the window. He believed he would fly away on his own. Luckily his dad crashed landed the plane and they both came out relatively fine.

Daniel is still around, heavily medicated and at the age of 49 still lives in the care of his parents. He plays shows now and again and with the AMAZING documentary "The Devil And Daniel Johnston", he is finally getting the recognition he deserves.

Joe Meek

10. Joe Meek


Mr Meek was born tone-deaf and had very little musical ability when it came to actual instruments. However, he was known as a fore-runner when it came to production, being one of the first people to record instruments separately and becoming a master of compression and sampling and invented direct input bass. I think during his career he was responsible for 3 number one hits, which is impressive, because I haven't even had 1 yet.

But, of course, he became crazy. He was obsessed with
The Occult and death. He would leave taperecorders in graveyards attempting to make contact with the dead, once getting the sounds of a cat's meow that he claimed was human voices begging for help. He was completely obsessed with Buddy Holly and believed that they were communicating at night even though Holly was already dead.

He became so paranoid that he thought
Decca records had set up microphones in his apartment and were stealing his ideas, something he accused Phil Spector of doing over the phone.

His craziness increased when a murder took place and all homosexuals in the area were being questioned. Homsexuality was illegal in the
UK at the time, and Joe loved the cock. This, coupled with excessive drug use, meant his finances started to run dry and he became very depressed. A big part of this was the fact that he had been sued by French composer Jean Ledrut who claimed Meek's biggest hit Telstar was plagarised from one of his own.

On the 3rd Feb 1967, the 8th anniversary of
Buddy Holly's death, Meek murdered his landlord with a single barrel shotgun and then shot himself, dead.

3 weeks later, the court ruled that it was impossible that
Meek had stolen Telstar, but of course, by that time he was gone.

Billy Tipton

09. Billy Tipton


Billy was an extremely talented jazz pianist, made albums which sold pretty well and granted him a nice little following. He had quite a few relationships with pretty girls including a stripper named Kitty Kelly and even adopted 2 sons with her. Eventually arthritis set in, and he was forced to quit the music scene and sadly died in poverty.

I know what you are waiting for. Some kind of weird twist which turns this whole story into a freak show, right? Can't you just be satisfied with a run-of-the-mill jazz story for a change? Jesus.

Well, it does so happen that there is a really peculiar twist to this story. At the age of 74, he suffered a hemorrhaging peptic ulcer. While paramedics tried (unsuccessfully) to save his life, they removed his clothes infront of his son. It was here that they all discovered for the first time that
Billy was, in fact, Dorothy. A woman all along.

Billy had originally done this because of the difficulty a woman faced being taken seriously in the jazz community, but eventually completely became this alter ego. Nobody knew. Even his ex-girlfriends all claimed that their relationships were sexual, but Billy had told them that a serious car accident had badly damaged his genitals and broken some ribs, and that to protect the damaged chest he had to bind it - smooth excuse to hide your titties there Mr. Tipton.

In his will he had asked to be cremated to bury the secret forever, but his sons came out publicly with the truth. Good thing too, otherwise I wouldn't have anything to put here.

Carlo Gesualdo

08. Carlo Gesualdo


This story is pretty famous. That said, I'd never heard of it.

Carlo was a 15th century Prince of Venosa and Count of Conza so he was rich and famous and almighty and etc. He was also somewhat of a musical fucking genius, some even going so far as to say he was the most experimental of every Renaissance composer. He is still regarded one of the most influential chromatic musicians, which is to say that his elaborations or substitutions for diatonic scale members were never repeated again in music until the 19th century. I'm going to pretend I know what that means.

Anyways, so he was hot shit, and above the law. So much so that he had no problem marrying his first cousin
Donna. In turn, she had no problem cheating on him with Fabrizio Carafa, the Duke of Andria. And finally, he had no problem with murdering them both when he found out.

Murder is a kind word. He stabbed them and got his servants to stab them. It's generally agreed that whilst he was stabbing them he was shouting the words "
she's not dead yet!" repeatedly. I imagine him to be dribbling as he does this. He also shot Fabrizio in the head. Once he had sufficiently mutilated their bodies, he put them outside his palace for the world to see. The good old days huh! Of course, he was beyond any form of prosecution, but fearing someone would take revenge, he ran away and made more music. He died very depressed apparently.

Phil Ochs

07. Phil Ochs


Phil was a well respected protest singer in the 60's and has been covered by such vast artists like Cher, They Might Be Giants and Eddie Vedder. The Clash even stole lyrics from him.

He also loved to drink, which aggravated some obvious underlying bipolar mental instability which eventually reared it's ugly head quite loudly. He was convinced that the
FBI and CIA were keeping files on him and he expressed interest in having either Colonel Tom Parker or Colonel Sanders managing him. He always carried a weapon whether it be a hammer, a knife or a lead pipe.

In 1975 things got worse. He developed dissociative identity disorder, and believed he was now someone called
John Butler Train and claimed he had killed Phil Ochs and replaced him in his body.

Eventually, this personality faded but at this point he was broke, homeless and had no problem with causing fights with anyone wherever he went.

He became obsessed with suicide, spoke about it constantly which rightfully worried his family. They took him in and got him to see a psychiatrist who diagnosed his bipolar disorder. They gave him meds which he pretended to take, but never did. And on April 9th 1976, he crossed the line and hung himself.

Possibly the most interesting thing about this is that years later, it surfaced that the
FBI did infact have over 500 pages documented on Ochs. Yeaaaah, who's paranoid now bitches??

Kembra Pfahler

06. Kembra Pfahler


Pfafler is a one-of-a-kind multi-talented female artist. Of course music was a part of it as the lead singer of the cult glam-punk band The Voluptuous Horror of Karen Black. But she is also one heck of a performance artist, directed and starred in her own movies, as well as other people's movies. Sometimes they were low budget-horror flicks, sometimes they were softcore porn.

But what really stood out for me was her appearance in the 7 minute short called "
Sewing Circle". The plot is very simple: two guys sew her vagina shut. Yep. Her vagina. Sewed. Shut.

This is waaaay fucking rockstar, and is something no male can do no matter how hardcore he is. And for this...
Kembra... I salute you.

GG Allin

05. GG Allin


The coolest thing about
GG is that I'm not going to tell you about one event. I'm about to tell you his whole life story.

Born
Jesus Christ Allin because his dad had vision that his kid was the second coming. They all lived in cabin with no electricity or water, and were not allowed to speak to each other. This manifested in a bunch of antisocial behaviour for GG, including attending school in drag. He stared his heroin relationship in the 80s, and played in a few bands with a rather peculiar approach to stage shows. He took laxatives before he performed, shat everywhere and would never bathe afterwards. He used to visit John Wayne Gacy (child molester and murderer) while he was on deathrow, and Gacy even painted a portrait of him.

To support himself,
GG stole things and sold his rough cds, his generally accepted "classic" being Eat My Fuc, on which he individually outlined his erect cock on each cover. Performances were always cut short by venue owners or police as he destroyed equipment and got violent with himself and members. He had no problem beating women in public and tours were only stopped by jail or hospital or blood poisoning.

Then he started talking about how he was going to kill himself on stage. The date was always set on
Halloween, but every time the day came around, GG would be in jail. His longest stint in prison was just under a year and a half for the rape and torture of a girl. He admitted to cutting her, burning her and drinking her blood. His defense was that it was consensual. After his release he skipped parole and kept touring, his crazy antics getting him a spot on Jerry Springer.

In 1993
GG played his last show ever which ended with him parading the streets naked with feces all over him, followed by a big group of fans. That night he overdosed by snorting a mix of heroin and cocaine.

His corpse received no make-up or washing and was still covered in shit. He was buried in a black leather jacket, his trademark jock strap and a bottle of
Jim Beam. Fans were photographed putting his cock in their mouths and shoving drugs in Allin's face, among other things. His grave is frequently vandalized with urine, cigarette butts, feces and alcohol by fans.

This, my friends, is real punkrock.

Big Lurch
04. Big Lurch


This West-Coast rapper was pretty gangster. Stories of Hip-Hop artists shooting stuff and then rapping about how hardcore they are is common, but nobody... NOBODY... is as gangster as this guy.

In 2002 Big Lurch murdered a girl named Tynisha Ysais outside of her apartment with her boyfriend. In their defense, they had been smoking PCP for days leading up to the murder, but still, not a very nice thing to do.

When her body was found, the chest had been massively cut open, stab wounds everywhere, bite marks on her face and her lungs.

When the police arrested Big Lurch, he was naked, covered in blood, and staring aimlessly at the sky. A medical examination showed that there was human flesh in his stomach that was not his own. For those of you who are slow: HE ATE PARTS OF TYNISHA. PARTS OF HER FACE. PARTS OF HER LUNGS. Beat that Tupac.

He went to jail, and is still there, serving a lifetime sentence. Don't smoke PCP kids.

Hell On Earth
03. Hell On Earth


These guys were very naughty indeed. They have songs like "Raped by the Virgin Mary" and "The AIDS Infested Blood Of Christ" which is pretty rude. But there are lots of bands who have oh-so-crazy song titles, all like "I am so hardcore" but don't actually do anything hardcore whatsoever.

Hell On Earth live up to the hype. For starters, they are the only band I have ever heard of that have sex with skinned calves on stage. They also blend dead rats into a paste and then get their fans to drink it. I wish I had that kind of power, I'd be much nicer with it.

But they really hit the news when a terminally-ill fan asked the band if they would let him commit suicide on stage. The band agreed and the media had a frenzy. There was a war of big words about the law and people's rights, until in 2004, the Florida Senate passed a bill barring the "exploitation of self-murder" for "commercial or entertainment purposes". I mean, if you ask me, for a band to be so hectic that a new law had to be written, that's pretty fucking hardcore.

Hell On Earth promised that the suicide would take place for a select few, which prompted police to try and track them down on a massive manhunt. After a while, the whole thing blew over, and nobody really knows if the deed was done or not. Regardless, it was promotion that money can't buy, and for all these reasons: Welcome to the list Hell On Earth.

Jim Gordon
02. Jim Gordon


Jim was a SUPER drummer, arguably the most requested session drummer in the 70's. He has played with The Everly Brothers, The Beach Boys, The Byrds, Eric Clapton, George Harrison, Frank Zappa, Alice Cooper, Donovan, BB King, John Lennon and Tom Petty to name a FEW. He even won a Grammy for his efforts.

But things went pear shaped. He started to hear voices in his head in the late 70's. More specifically, it was the voice of his own mother telling him to starve himself. When he disobeyed, the voice would send him into a blind rage. He seeked help, but only got diagnosed as an alcoholic, which wasn't it at all. No shit.

In 1983 he couldn't take it anymore. He got a butcher knife and a hammer and brutally murdered his own mother. I mean, you hear Eminem going on about he would beat his own Mom to death, but Jim actually did it.

He is still alive and still in prison and at this point, has been properly diagnosed with acute paranoid schizophrenia. Poor Jimmy.

Prussian Blue
01. Prussian Blue


Look at these two little girls, aren't they adorable? Please let me introduce Lynx and Lamb Gaede, twin girls born in 1992. And ever since these girls were born, they agreed on two things: (1) They loved music. (2) They hated black people.

Known as the Sinister Olsen Twins, they were born in Bakersfield California, but their mom decided it wasn't "white enough", and moved them to Kalispell, Montana. Their mother, of course, being the one who home-schooled them, reprogramming them with all sorts of exciting things such as: Hitler being a great inspiration, and how the The Holocaust was exaggerated and it really wasn't that bad. Which it was, by the way.

Pretty soon, they felt the need to talk about it as much as they could. And what better way to talk over and over again about something than in a little bubblegum pop album of course. And armed with a guitar, a violin, and a common enemy: Prussian Blue was born.

Even their name looks so pretty, but is actually a reference to the supposed lack of Zyklon B residue (nicknamed Prussian Blue) in the gas-chambers in the concentration-camps - one of the biggest arguments for the "Holocaust Myth" as they call it. Besides this, Prussian Blue is also a reference to the Nazi's eye chart, being the perfect colour for the master race and excusing said person from the ethnic cleansing.

But look at them! They look like poster children for an expensive product! iStock models. I expect them to spend their time playing hopscotch or colouring stuff in or whatever it is girls do at that age. White supremacy should be the last of their worries.

But they are worried about it, and got very good at worrying about it. So much so that the white supremacist label Resistance Records signed them up. They got great gigs at any respectable Neo-Nazi National Alliance show or Holocaust-Denial event. They Nazi-Salute the crowd, cover white nationalist songs, preaching the word of White survival and the day the "whites will win the race war". All the while to an ever increasing fanbase.

The media loved the story, including ABC News and a documentary called White Nationalist, where they tell us that black people are more likely to rape you and their biggest concern is that not enough good quality white babies are being born. They also believe that all the money donated to help victims of Hurricane Katrina should only go to the white families. Because, you know, that's the kind of thing that a racist would say I suppose.

They have received many death threats, but if I am completely honest, the tragedy is that they have so much talent and potential. Their songs are pretty good for their age, and hey, it's not all bigotry and white-power, they do have a love song. It's called Skin-Head Boy.

At the end of the day, this affected me the most of all the stories. Because I was raised to believe that everybody is equal, regardless of race, sex, age or any other difference. And if you don't believe that - that's ok too. Except never read my blog. Ever again. EVER. AGAIN. LEAVE IT RIGHT NOW YOU INTOLERANT CUNT, FUCKING RIDICULOUS. I'll hit you.



CREDITS
This blog would not have been possible if it weren't for Goregirl's extensive list on RateYourMusic.
I went through every entry, one by one, all 1400 of them, narrowed it down to my 58 favourites.
Then after some heavy research, I got it down to the 20 you see here. So thanks Goregirl!