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Thursday, 23 September 2010

Jared Woods' Top 10 Formspring Questions


Formspring: Jared Woods Is Thinking
Formspring is rad. For those of you who don't know what this is, relax, I will tell you. Formspring is a website where anonymous people (like you) can ask the big-mouth user (like me) any dodgy question you like. And because I have spent years and years of my life partaking in fake interviews in front of the mirror, this is the perfect site for me to pretend I am already famous. However, over the last while, it's gone a bit insane. I have received quite a ton of varied questions almost daily, and have only recently got it to a manageable amount. I can only imagine that these people have no idea who I am, because nobody in their right mind should trust me with anything.

Anyways, if you think you can take me on (and I dare you), ask me any question you fucking want here: http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip
I ALWAYS ANSWER EVERY SINGLE ONE.

This blog came around because I recently got asked pretty much the best question ever, which was ironically:

Out of aaaalllll questions yet, what is your favourite?

I figured this had to be the ultimate question, so I took my time reading over each of the 250+ formspring posts on my page trying to find the very best one. While doing so, I realised something very important about myself: I can talk a lot of shit.

Of course, picking just one question wouldn't be my style. My style is far too complex and arrogant for that. So I narrowed it down to my top 10, and after all that effort, I decided this had to be a blog entry rather than just a lost formspring question that 5 people would read.

Here they are, and thanks soooo much to all the people who ask me these things! It means a lot, I am truly grateful for all of you, I can't explain how much joy you guys bring in my life.



10. Do religious/Christian family members or friends ever show concern for your non-religiousness/agnosticism? How do you justify your beliefs to them? I know you believe in God; I mean the rest (or lack thereof). And I'm not preaching here - I'm the devil

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/944098915

WHY I LIKE IT:
I felt this one was particularly important because, as the question suggests, I love to run my mouth off about religion in what can be confused as a blasphemous way. Now I had an excuse to explain exactly why I was doing this, and what my views on organized religion are in general.
I think this question should be an automatic disclaimer that comes attached to my head. Everyone should read it before listening to a word I say, because religion can be a touchy subject, and I don't want to touch anyone.




Formspring: Was Mary A Virgin?
09. If Mary was married to Joseph why was she a virgin? Did she cheat on him and then blame someone that no one could see?

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/544574283

WHY I LIKE IT:
This one follows the last one nicely. Ok, it could be viewed as a little bit offensive, but in a loving way. I got quite a few comments about it, two readers claiming it was my best yet.
Worth a lol at least.



08. Hey Jared, One of my English buddies hooked me up with your site and I think you're sooo funny! And kinda cute! I live in Missoula, Montana. How far are you willing to travel for the best night of your life..? ;0

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/1045483991

WHY I LIKE IT:
It's always great to have some anonymous internet person wanting to fuck me. It's flattering and is also the only source of sexual advances I receive.
But beyond this, I think this has got to be the best piss-take answer I have ever done. The reactions were fantastic, many people talking to me about it even weeks afterwards. And thanks to TheFilmo, who tweeted about it, I earned a lot more followers for it.
The only thing I didn't understand about this questions was the "kinda cute" remark. Kinda cute? I'm cute as fuck baby, damn.



07. What's the secret of happiness, according to you?

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/424086769

WHY I LIKE IT:
What people don't realise is that while I was answering this one, I was really down. I can't remember why, but I was not in the right place to be answering such questions. It's actually against my rules now, I only answer questions in a good frame of mind, because the ones laced with sadness stick out too loud for me.
However, for once, my slight pessimism gave an interesting twist on my usual "everything is going to be ok" style answer, and I think I hit it more direct that way. One of my friends claimed that this was my best answer ever.
Personally, my favourite thing about this one is that I didn't ramble as much as I normally might have.



06. Can you give a short contextual analysis between your favorite Shakespeare play and the movie Sister Act?

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/593821235

WHY I LIKE IT:
Without a doubt the hardest question I've ever had to answer. It's author, one Faure whom I know from real lifes, loves to fuck with me on the internet almost daily. I think he wanks over it or something, I don't know.
Regardless, just by reading this question you can see the difficulty he shoved into my face. I had to do so much research about shit I didn't give a fuck about, but I was determined and took it very seriously. I was happy with the outcome.
Faure then graded it, gave me a B or something and said "Good effort". My mom would've been alright with that.



Formspring: A Song About Rusks05. I would like you to sing me a song about rusks.

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/837639747

WHY I LIKE IT:
Normally questions test my opinions, my ability to research or my life experiences. This one is the only worthy example I can think of that challenged my creativity. And "Rusks" isn't a very common word to rhyme with.
Matthew (The myets guy) has asked me a few questions, some of which pissed me off, some of which were really good. But this one was total class, especially because "Rusks" is somewhat of an in-joke between a few people and myself.
Nobody seemed to care much about this one, but I was stoked. I would loooove more questions like this if you guys can think of any.



04. 1 year ago,the most amazing girl i met in my life broke up with me, stil i cant go for more than 2 hours without being tortured by a thought of her.its relentless.no-one else apeals 2me.i feel doomed,i havnt even had sex in a year!im going insane.help pls

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/478335406

WHY I LIKE IT:
This is one of those great examples where I posted something that I thought I might get into trouble for, but I didn't care because I felt so strongly in what I was saying. The public response was great, mostly from girls (which was surprising), one even going so far as to say that it was my best answer.
Shampies though, I totally sympathise with this dude, really the worst place to be in ever. Hope he's alright now.



03. I'm aware that you are very fond of your father, but you never seem to talk about your mother. Why is this?

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/734598200

WHY I LIKE IT:
My dad is my hero, but I don't often get a chance to talk about how much he means to me. Suddenly I had this platform and I let rip the best I could with all the reasons why I felt my dad deserves all the credit in the world.
The reaction was epic, I have never received that many comments on any of my formspring posts ever, which it was very touching for me. I FUCKING LOVE YOU DADDY. Don't ever tell him I swore.



02. When will you realize that unfettered tweeting, facebooking, forumspring-agathy-aunt and just general pseudo-communication with idiots is arrogant, pointless and only feeds your denial of a very apparent identity complex.

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/482173386

WHY I LIKE IT:
This was an exercise in self control. I can't tell you how hard I nearly lost it. But I managed to keep my cool, take my time, and rip this person a new one smartly.
My response was greeted with great accolade, and that person never bothered me again. My favourite thing is that no matter how funny/stupid you think my answer is, you don't entirely get it. This is because there are a few in-jokes sneakily planted around for a select few, keeping myself entertained above anybody else.



Formspring: Why Are The Balls On The Outside
01. Why do sperm have to be kept 4-5 degrees lower than body temperature? And how bad would it really be if they were internal organs? Yes I know the main answer would be "just because" or "that's how God made us" but I want a Jared-style "what if" response.

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/969246689

WHY I LIKE IT:
I have said this theory my whole life. I believe in this theory.
The funny thing is that I didn't get much response for this one at all. But for some reason I think it's my favourite. It's the perfect balance between sex and religion, and while you may think it's a little offensive, you cannot disagree with a word in it.
I will admit, I paused a bit out of fear before posting it, but I think it's the one that makes me laugh the most. Nervously.



CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR
These ones nearly made the top 10, didn't, but are still worth mentioning:


if you were naked, would you grind your body against mine?

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/626660923

WHY I LIKE IT:
I was bored of the usual questions like this, so I invented a test which evaluated the reader's chances of fucking me. It was a complete joke, but quite a few people started messaging me, telling me their scores. My favourite was some fat guy who said he passed and probably wanted to fuck me. I would do it too.


Dude, here's one for #100: what's the meaning of life?

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/562356452

WHY I LIKE IT:
When it came time for my 100th question, I begged for someone to send something good to celebrate my milestone. I received quite a few, all of which got answered, but nothing could compare to this question really.
In general, I think my answer said it's point and did so without dissing anybody's beliefs. One of my religious friends claimed it was my best answer, and it meant a lot that he understood what I was saying.
The ONLY reason this didn't make the Top 10 is because of the last paragraph. I have no idea how that got in there, and has spoilt the post for me.



AND NOW, MY LEAST FAVOURITE:

Dear J. Please can you clarify the difference between a FAIL, EPIC FAIL and WIN. And can you provide an example of each from your weird yet wonderfully disturbed world? A.N.Other Fan

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/827350529

WHY I HATE IT:
I took it too seriously. At my work suddenly the words FAIL, EPIC-FAIL and WIN became very important words. We would debate the definition of these terms here, so it was a very serious question to me.
Totally fucked it up, it doesn't have a second of humour in it, it's way too long, and I am so sorry for that.



CONCLUSION

PLEASE ASK ME QUESTIONS, NO MATTER HOW PERSONAL OR DEEP OR RIDICULOUS IT IS: I WILL ANSWER.
Give Jared's life meaning today.


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