Thursday, 9 September 2010

10 (more) People You Have To Follow On Twitter

A while ago I wrote a list of my 10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter (or Tweeple, as they call themselves, which is so terrible I actually want to rub my eyes in shit) and it was lame. The reason is that I was new to Twitter back then, and after some careful evaluation, I realised many of my favourite people were actually very unfunny and less famous than me.

In time, I have got more and more use out of Twitter. I have stopped following stupid celebrities who say nothing of any value. I have stopped following shameless self promoters and internet “gurus” who repeated themselves as if their SEO message is so fucking important. Unfortunately, I do still follow teenagers who talk about how their day went purely because I feel too bad to delete them. Teen life is hard enough as it is, it's a moral thing. But besides that, my feed is relatively streamlined and with this knowledge, I am proud to announce I can waste more of your time with more of this crap.

If you are new to the social disaster scene, I have now equipped you with enough info to have a grand time indeed - you fucking owe me. And if you are an old-school Twitterer, I hope you find some gems in here you didn’t know about. Ha, who am I kidding, I fucking hate you all.

Oh, and of course, I am not so tasteless as to put myself in the list. But I am definitely the best person in the world to follow ever because I will tell you things about things you have never thought of and then you will kill yourself.

The list:

Twitter Bob Dylan Is The Best Lyricist
10. Bob Dylan Says
Quotes From The Master

I put this one at the bottom of the list purely because if you don’t like Bob Dylan, then you won’t like this. Then you won’t like me. Then you won’t like burning in hell for having less musical understanding than a piece of wood with a cock drawn on it. You’re an idiot babe.
But if you love Bob like I do, you will know that he is the greatest lyricist pretty much ever. And you will want to be reminded of this hourly. And that's how this works: every hour on the hour, a bot tweets a line from a Dylan song. It does this until it completes a song and then randomly picks another one. It’s a great way to show respect to the man's genius and recall the classics your daddy listened to. Did I tell you I saw him live? Yeah, I did.

Recent Tweets:
Then they'll kill him with self-confidence
To her, death is quite romantic
A perfect image of a priest

Twitter Cat Bin Lady Is An Ass
09. Cat Bin Lady
Internet Celebrity

Recently-ish a video surfaced of a very messed up lady who threw a cat in the bin, which you can see here. Now no matter how weird you are (and I know you are), one can't help feel a little disturbed by this. And to me the most disturbing thing of it all is that it has sky-rocketed this crazy lady to infamy based on 10 seconds of her life. Is that how easy it is? Fuck, I would've done this a long time ago.
This Twitter account is not actually the real Cat Bin Lady, who I believe has been put into protection because PETA and bestiality enthusiasts are trying to kill her. However, this fake account is a fantastic stream into what I think her mind would be like: fucked. It hardly ever fails, and she only follows Kanye West, so her street cred is impeccable.

Recent Tweets:
Just passed a shoe shop. Threw one of the sample shoes outside on top of a bus. Why do I do these things?
Just kicked the head off next door's gnome. For a joke. Who's laughing now though? Not me. Not me.
Whatever I put in Brenda's pocket has set off the store alarm in W.H.Smiths. Bit busy, so I've asked the men to tell her I'll see her later.

Twitter Funny One Liners
08. Funny One Liners
Short Quotes

I’ll be honest, this profile is 70% cheese. But I read them all because (1) I have nothing better to do; and (2) Now and again, I laugh out loud.
It’s just as the name says, no gimmicks, no lies. Nothing but funny one-liners which are generally wholesome enough for the entire family to gather around and read to eachother. They also follow people back and actually READ what people are saying, retweeting the good ones. And every night before I go to bed, I pray that one day they will retweet something I say. Although, I might completely ruin the whole “wholesome” thing I mentioned earlier.

Recent Tweets:
A cheap shot can still get you drunk.
I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
"I drive like lightening." "You drive fast?" "No. I hit trees."

Twitter Paul Keely Owns The Internet
07. Paul Keely
The Final Boss Of The Internet

The Man The Legend. This is a special one because I actually know this guy in real life, and it’s criminal how few people follow him. I heard a rumour once that he invented the internet or something. I also know for a fact he kills small animals for fun, but they just can't catch him. Regardless, his stream reflects this in everyway possible.
There is nothing but the fucking funniest images you are ever likely to see in your life. Occasionally they have descriptions, more often they don’t, but you are never quite sure what you are getting into until it’s too late. It could be a cute kitten in a box. It could be a tranny with a bottle up her ass. You just never know. Either way, let Paul filter the net for you, follow him if you want to destroy your life.

Recent Tweets:

Twitter We Fail Fail
06. We Fail
Bitter Web-Designer

Martin Wefail is part of the We Fail team. They make really fucking A-Grade websites for products like Eminem to Mail Order Chickens. Boring right? Totally. Luckily he has a lot to say, and generally does it in the "I hate everything, especially everyone" kind of style. And this is something we can all relate to.
Just quickly, his partner is Jordan Wefail, who is also worthy of a follow. He often is waaay too overshadowed by Martin, and his Tweets seem to get funnier and funnier over time. Like old age. Or decomposition.
Admittedly, it’s probably funniest for people who know a bit about the internet. And that includes me, because I know fucking everything, ask anyone.

Recent Tweets:
There's nothing I hate in life more than life itself.....well, apart from iTunes that is.
Remember kids, try to please all of your clients, all of the time. They are always right.
I have bought a dangerous dog to make up for the shortcomings of my really tiny penis.

Twitter Street View Funny Is Funny
05. Street View Funny
The Inevitable Result Of Google Street View

Street View is pretty much in the top 3 most impressive things Google has ever done, behind maybe Gmail and, well, Google. And as we all know, life is pretty funny in itself. So when a giant car is driving round every street in certain areas and taking 360 shots of it’s surroundings, we are bound to find some things. That’s where this page comes in.
These guys scour the "streets" for anything out of the ordinary and then put it out for the world to see. THE ONLY FUCKING SHIT THING is that every link they post doesn’t immediately work for me, which is ridiculous, and puts them much further down the list. But if you just go to the homepage of each time they post, you can relax and feel your anger slipping away. It’s a great idea that I didn't think of, and they put a bit of effort into it, so there you go guys - number 5. Congrats, I'm sure you care a lot.

Recent Tweets:
Baby left alone on a British pavement - c/o Google Street View - Who would leave their baby out like this?
Google Maps Street View Captures An African Man Urinating -
Hilarious - The Top Ten Kisses Captured by Google Street View

Twitter Gary Busey Funny Face
04. Gary J Busey
Actor. A Fake One.

Gary Busey is a famous actor and director, known for his quirkiness, heavy drug addiction and some crazy sex stories. This is not Gary Busey.
But this is THE fake Gary J Busey, and it is pretty much the perfect adaptation that you would want him to be. Or how you would want anyone to be, maybe. I mean, this guy gets Retweeted out of his ass, almost as much as people like Lily Allen or Britney Spears - who get 100+ Retweets just by saying "Good Morning". Gary on the other hand, talks about sex in the most beautifully vulgar way non-stop, which makes me feel naughty and happy inside. It's balls out funny, make no mistake.

Recent Tweets:
#Howtoruinsex Wake up in the middle of it.
I want to hit midgets with ukuleles.
Does it still make me a bedwetter if the bed isn't mine and I'm awake?

Twitter Bypass Facebook Fan Pages Because They Are The Devil
03. Bypass Fan Pages
Fight Facebook Terrorism

This page is a life saver to me, especially cos I intravenously shoot up Facebook for breakfast. Ok, so you know those ANNOYING pages that require you to Like something just to see the content? That is what I call "Facebook Terrorism". Do not fall for it. Do not trust it. Be smarter than that. They are all spammy scams to get permissions from you and con you to invite all of your friends. They will give you one little picture and then sneak into your house at night and rape you. True story.
Allow this Twitter feed to get raped for you. Hell, it even allows you to comment directly on the content, which is nice of them to set up. It also tells you which ones are surveys or not, so you no longer have to sell your opinion for a split second Lol. Even better: you end up seeing many of the pages you normally wouldn’t notice because your friends are hopefully smart enough not to click the dirty things. It’s useful, doesn’t waste time, and I click it everytime I see it. Did I sell it enough for you there?

Recent Tweets:
OMG! Look What this American Teacher did to this Student for goofing off
Cheerleaders so Hot They Had to Be Banned

Twitter OMGFacts Know Their Shit Basically
02. OMGFacts
Tweets For The Brain

These guys are actually fairly new but have climbed the social ladder with such fury based purely on the amazing content they churn out daily. It's got to the point that if you don't follow them, you know nothing about anything. The concept is exactly what the concept says: daily facts that make you go OMG. They are also presented in such great neat ways, with links to pictures, sources, and a bunch of other details. It’s fun for the whole family and educational, so even your hot daughter can have a good time with it.
These guys also do GivesMeHope (which I lurve) and other super rad internet thingies. They are young people too and deserve all the attention anybody can possibly give them for their brilliant efforts. Hell, you even get specialised streams of OMGFactsSex and OMGcelebfacts, and really - what else do you need in life besides more information you can banter about at the pub? That's what I thought.

Recent Tweets:
Your hair is all DEAD! Details -->
Pigs are considered to be SMARTER than 3-year-old human children! What can pigs do? -->
Lightning strikes the earth approximately 8,640,00 times per day. That makes for 100 lightning strikes PER SECOND!

Twitter Best Worst Advice Is The Best
01. BestWorstAdvice
Bad Advice

And here it is: my unchallenged favourite Twitter account forever and ever (for right now).
As like any good entry in this list, the name says it all. It’s advice for your day to day life. Really good advice that would never ever work and probably send you directly to jail, lose all your friends, and leave you addicted to drugs with an STD.
I laugh at least once a day at these guys, which is more than Facebook and YouTube on a bad day. I have no idea who is sitting on the other side of the web pulling this shit out of their ass, but I would buy them a beer.
Unfortunately, nothing I say here would do it any justice, I feel unfunny just by talking about them. Follow already unless you are easily offended, in which case, you really shouldn't be on my blog in the first place.

Recent Tweets:
What would Jesus do? Get stoned then hammered.
Concerned about global warming? Lower the A/C temperature.
Men: Want maintain an erection longer? Tape popsicle sticks to the sides of your penis.

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