10 Things I Learned When I Quit Social Media for 213.5 hours

Remember the other day when everyone freaked out about Facebook? Ironically, our news feeds were plagued with disdain towards the very platform they were being broadcasted on. It was as if an army of annoying parasites were cursing the host that fed it, even though this was the only thing keeping them alive. What's more, these festering creatures sure had a lot to say! Our data was being misused! Our privacy was under threat! I hereby swear my allegiance to the #DeleteYourFacebook movement! No more shall I be a part of such a blatant exploitation of the information I have happily surrendered up until this point! I am not a sheep like the rest of you, and instead, I will follow these other people over here! And we will remain undetected while reigning supreme!

Myself, I rose above such mass hysterical nonsense. I called its bluff, convinced that yet another panicked fad was corrupting the vulnerable little minds of our agitated society, and when I peered over the side of my pedestal the other day, it seems like I was correct. Again. Because do you know where those people are now? They're still on Facebook.

Eventually, this mad hype calmed its dribble, and then I jumped ship anyway. I did so in the most hypocritical manner I could possibly muster too, by posting a lone image across all of my social media accounts, dramatically making a big deal out of my departure with a grand announcement, one which provided no reasoning behind the decision. My hope was to provoke some light concern among my friendship group. I wanted them to ask questions. Had something terrible happened to Jared? Who hurt him? Was this a cry for help? Were we about to find this guy face-first in a bucket of dirty shower water? An intentional drowning? Nothing left behind but a suicide note which simply read, "So long, and thanks for all the Likes"?

No such luck, peasants. Rather, my trusty iPhone was having some hardware issues, and those friendly geniuses at the Apple store deemed it best to wipe all of my contents clean. My optimistic reprogramming told me that this may very well be an opportunity. I hesitated before diving back into the mass app installation process, and then opted to gently step away from the digital scene instead. I took a breather. I reevaluated my real life. I tested whether or not I even existed outside of this online persona I had so carefully crafted for myself. Believe me, I had my doubts.

My initial goal was to make it to 14 days, otherwise known as two weeks. After a while, I changed that into 11 days, which was still two weeks in working day numbers. I then reduced that to 10 days, because it’s a nicer number, I prefer it. In the end, I nearly made it to nine days. 213.5 hours, to be exact. But what had broken me? Had my online addiction overwhelmed my otherwise impenetrable integrity? Was my premature reconnection a result of deteriorated willpower? No. I had returned because my people needed me.

Here are 10 things I learned during my time of electronic solitude:

1. A stream of chatter immediately stopped running through my brain.

It was the voices of my friends! All day long, you guys are like blah blah blah, married kids food holiday gym feminism blaaaah. Omg, you mean I can turn that off? That shit was driving me crazy!

2. My battery lasted longer.

This is probably more of a moo benefit because it's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. Obviously you’ll have more battery! But you’ll also have nothing to use it on! Maybe I’ll just check my bank balance again. Nope, still nothing.

3. My phone’s entire purpose became uncertain.

For many of us, our phones are like dependable superhero sidekicks. Right by our hip whenever we need a helping hand. An instantaneous diversion at the tap of a button. Quickly, post that status before you forget it, boy. No longer was this the case for me. I would watch full movies without any idea where my phone was. The phantom pocket pangs eventually tired themselves out. There were no sly hits of Instagram before I went to bed. There were no provocative updates from the amateur alt-girls of Twitter, God bless you. There was nothing. Nothing whatsoever. In these moments of peaceful clarity, I began to question who had actually been in control all of this time. Was it me? Or was it that expensive little rectangle over there? I never answer phone calls anyway, so why do they even call you a phone?

4. That said, the autopilot aspect was scary.

Your brain is like my brain, and my brain is well trained. How often I’d catch my thumb frantically searching for the social media icons was unsettling. If they were available, make no mistake, my thought patterns would have broken me back in without even waiting for my command. “Stupid trained brain!” my trained brain said to itself.

5. I did miss stalking people though.

This happened often. I’d meet someone new or a recruiter with a hot name would send me an email, and my instinct would be to rush over to Facebook and analyse how this person had chosen to represent themselves online. But I couldn’t do that! Because I was on hiatus! Oh, the horror! How many potential wanks to fresh profile pictures did lose? I can't jerk off to normal porn anymore. I don’t know who those people are.

6. For the first time, I realised what social media actually is.

Social media is a time killer. People often use that term as a diss, treating Facebook as a scapegoat for their lack of productivity, when in truth, it was the human who pulled the trigger. Certainly, Facebook is a waste of our precious hours. But when you’re waiting in a queue or you’re stuck in an awkward conversation with someone who looks funny, then this Fast-Forward Life Button can be a fucking godsend.

7. It’s also called social media for a reason.

I was always one of those people who tried to sound smart when I said stuff like “social media is fake, it gives you a false sense of socialising, but it can never be a replacement for genuine real-life interaction hahaha”. I still believe this to be true, but not as true as I once believed it to be true. Rather, in these times of abstinence, I felt less connected to the real world than ever before. Even worse, was that my own ingenious thoughts had no escape route and they were forever absorbed into the murky muck that I call my memory, gone gone, without a trace, gone.

8. Facebook is well sneaky.

When you’ve been offline for a while, Facebook starts to pummel your email with useless information such as, “You have 60 unread notifications,” or “Your hot friend commented on their own status,” or "Remember that person from High School? They shared a meme about ducks, you'd love it". Shameless low blows which exploit your friends to entice you back, often mentioning them by name within the very subject line itself just to ensure that you can't look away in time. When my torturous experiment was finally over and I logged back in, roughly 75% of my notifications were completely unrelated to me. It’s as if the Facebook algorithm has a panic attack and does whatever it can to lure you into its dark labyrinth of distracting distractions again. It's a dick move, Mother Zuckerberg! Fuck you, Zuck! lol, that's a good one.

9. Nobody cares that you’ve left.

When I returned to the world of the half-living, I expected people to drop to their knees, begging for forgiveness that they had taken me for granted in the past, promising me a better future where I would be glittered by an abundance of reactions and praised via grammatically correct comments. Nope. Life went on without me. Nobody wrote on my wall. Nobody sent me a message. I am no one. I am nothing.

10. Social media is good for some people.

You often hear about these humans who quit their digital lives and feel an overwhelming sense of freedom, finally released from an anxiety they never knew they were carrying around in their pockets. Not me. I withered without my daily dose of validation. I have too many words bouncing around my skull and I need to put them into other people’s skulls because then it becomes their problem too. I cannot carry this burden alone. So yes, as it turns out, social media is actually good for some people. And I am one of those people.


Follow @LegoTrip

My 5 Favourite Things On The Internet

I know what you are thinking: the internet is a pretty big place. Well, bravo, genius, did you come up with that all by yourself? Or did I just come up with it for you? It doesn’t matter, the fact is that, yes, it is a big place. I myself reached the end of the internet once, and it was a complete mess of long-forgotten cat images, a bunch of gore videos primarily focusing on genitalia, and a gigantic demon with Nicolas Cage’s face who claimed to have my bank details. It took a while to get home from there.

Just listen to me for one second. While the task of writing a list such as this may seem impossible to some one like you, I am no ordinary person. For example: the ring and pinkie toe on my right foot do not bend. There are other things too, I'm sure. I reckon by now this introduction has reached a decent enough length so that it wraps around the main image, and now I will move on.

05. The Beetlejuice Twitter Bot

Imagine my horror when, upon writing this entry, I discovered that this once beloved Twitter account was now defunct, the genius retiring the idea around August this year. GODDMANIT, WHY DOES EVERYTHING I LOVE END UP LEAVING ME?

But even if its existence has evaporated into the afterlife, its presence still lingers in the joy it once granted me, hence why I cherish its memory by keeping this point intact. I just feel sorry for you lot only discovering this anomaly now, as you will never know the joy of tweeting the words “Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice” only to have this bot proudly spring into action upon your mentions, proclaiming “IT'S SHOWTIME!”, just like in the mooovie! Lolyay!

A moment of silence for its passing, and while we do that, let’s look at some other funny botty Twitter accounts in hopes that this passage justifies its worth afterall.

Yes, You’re Racist
An account which calls out people who tweet “I’m not racist, but...” because any sentence that starts that way is more than likely racist.

Your in America Bot
An account which corrects people when they say something to the effect of “Your in America, speak English!” Oh, the irony.

Stealth Mountain
Similarly, this account corrects people when they say “sneak peak” instead of “sneak peek”. I enjoy such things.

04. The Same Photo of Jim Carrey Every Day Facebook Page

Nothing will brighten up your life more than the same photo of Jim Carrey, every single morning, delivered straight to your Newsfeed. Trust me, I live a very active and rewarding existence, but when this post shows its smiling face, I know my beautiful day has truly just begun. And I am not alone, as the page itself boasts over 150,000 Likes, while the identical image racks up 1000s of further Likes on a daily basis—many of which are my friends. They probably don't know this, but I desperately spend most of my early hours attempting to Like said post before they get a chance, as if some sick competitive ritual.

However, the secret magic of this image lies not in the daily delivery, but in the comments. Here you will find many different users honouring the practice of routinely commenting the exact same thing every day, to the point of madness. There are many, but the most popular by far revolve around Cody’s story, like so:

“It's good to see that in this world of changing chaos, that there are some things that will never change” - Cody Hendricks (close to 200 Likes a day)
“Lean on me, when you're not strong. And I'll be your friend.” - The Official Page’s response to Cody Hendricks (over 50 Likes every day)
“I'm not the Cody you're looking for.” - Cody Mann (around 100 Likes a day)

Naturally, it doesn’t end there, and so I encourage you to go forth and find your own favourites, whilst welcoming the safe regularity of this wonderful distraction.

03. Spinal Tap’s IMDB Rating Goes to 11

If you haven’t seen This Is Spinal Tap, you should. Immediately. Stop reading, find it online, watch it, and then come back. Do not eat nor sleep nor speak nor fuck your boyfriend nor lick your teeth until you get this done, and then thank me in the comments below, to which I'll respond with "you’re welcome".

Did you do what I said? If so, great! I have a few more things I’d like you to do, mail me for details. And please continue reading.
If you have already seen the mockumentary, good on ya! You understand the importance of keeping up-to-date on significant cult classics. And please continue reading.
However, if you have chosen to proceed without viewing the film, you are an idiot, and I experience no guilt as I ruin this particular scene for you, primarily because the “up to eleven” idiom has become such a large part of popular culture parodies, that you’ve missed far too many jokes already. In a way, I’m actually just helping you out. Once again, you’re welcome.

ANYWAY, a very quick summary: the scene in question from the film presents guitarist Nigel Tufnel, as he shows-off the Spinal Tap Marshall amplifiers, which go to volume 11 rather than 10. It’s one louder.

Here is that exact same thing I described, except the actual video clip, which I probably should started have with.

Which brings us to the great dudes at IMDB, who recognised the significance of such a potent line, and took it upon themselves to ensure that this movie’s rating went to 11. God bless you all, really.

02. All Wikipedia Articles Lead to Philosophy

Unlike the other entries on this list, the “All Wikipedia Articles Lead to Philosophy” phenomenon is just that: a phenomenonon. This was not some intentional man made lolsies, but rather, something that just kinda ... happened.

It works like this: by clicking on the very first (non-parenthesized, non-italicised, non-external) link in the main text of any Wikipedia article, and then continuing to do so as you ride along subsequent articles, you have a 94.52% chance of ending up on the Philosophy page (usually within 23 clicks). Granted, you may get stuck in a loop or fall on a linkless piece, but that more than likely won’t happen. Try it yourself! Go to a random article and start clicking! Count your steps! Tell your friends! LOVE YOURSELF.

And you know what the best part about this is? Nobody is entirely sure why it happens, ooooooh. However, there are some theories, the most popular of which stating that (due to the Wikipedia Manual of Style guidelines on how to write the lead section of an article) contributors are encouraged to start an article by defining its topic, leading the user into a wider more umbrella subject. And seeing as philosophy is known as the "mother of all sciences", I guess it kinda makes sense that every road leads there. Man, that’s some deep shit.

01. Futurama Neutral Balance YouTube Likes

I have no strong feelings one way or the other.

Which is to say, I do! I really do! I mean, what is going on here? WHO KEEPS DOING THIS????

It’s pretty much the simplest thing ever: Six years ago some dude uploaded a 4 second video to YouTube, a clip from Futurama titled Neutral Response, and the internet decided they liked this. In fact, they liked it so much that they've watched it over 4,850,000 times. And, before we knew it, a suicidal mission had developed, one to maintain the neutral balance, proving that we all have strong feelings about having no strong feelings one way or the other. If you’re confused, just look at the Likes and Dislikes, and then you’ll be part of the team. Godspeed.

Of course, as is the nature with such a fragile system, it has become a little bit of a war, and there will always be those kids on the playground who want to watch the world burn. With that in mind, you might be unfortunate enough to see the Likes/Dislikes sway one way or another, much to everyone’s embarrassment. However, generally by simply refreshing the page, you should find that order has been swiftly restored. If not, maybe try help rectify the situation yourself? Be a pal. Make yourself useful for once.

Regardless, it’s my favourite thing on the internet, excluding this one porno video where Hillary Scott takes it ass to pussy over and over again, risking an infection but proving she is a professional whose priority is to please the part of my perverse brain which has retarded beyond recognition.

Read This Next Maybe

How To Get Away With Saying Anything On The Internet

Follow @LegoTrip

Another 10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter

Introduction
When you are writing the third sequel to a blog which was never really that good in the first place, the whole concept can feel a little bit unnecessary. But as you get older, you begin to run out of ideas and have to rehash the old ones, justifying this fact by telling yourself you "know more things now" and you "can do better this time".
But before we begin, I'd like to point out that the only worthwhile person to follow on Twitter is me. So go on. Follow me. Right now, though, I'm serious. Click on that link and follow me. I'm not fucking around. Do it.
Did you do it? If the answer is "no", go right back to the beginning of this article and start reading again until you can pass this point. If the answer is "yes" - congratulations! Your life has just begun! I won't let you down, I swear! Now, follow these people:

10. Big Ben

Time Itself
338,523 Followers

Some of the best of accounts have dud posts. Hell, even in all my advanced intelligence and prophetic foresight, I have been known to Tweet things that nobody seems to respond to (not because they weren’t funny, mind you, but because people are so below me that they just didn't get it). However, Big Ben Clock is the only account on the planet which I enjoy every single tweet from.
It won’t mean much to you if you don’t live within the London timezone (much like the real Big Ben itself, I suppose) but if you do, you might as well throw your wristwatch away right now and just follow this account. On the hour, every hour, this clock bongs out to the Twitterverse, reminding you guys that it is time. Time for what? Time for whatever, man. I cringe to imagine how many times I would have missed my lunch hour without this profile.

Recent Tweets
BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG
BONG BONG BONG BONG
BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG
BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG
BONG

09. Text-Based Instagram

ascii hipster
16,918 Followers

When Facebook bought Instagram for $1billion, I knew my life was over. How that much money could exist for a photographic program which has been generalized as a “Hipster App” made me rethink my existence. Maybe the hipsters knew where it was at all along? Maybe the rest of us were the idiots?
Regardless, one thing is definitely true: Instagram is very good at fucking your shit photos in such a retro way that you may even fool your friends into thinking you are a good photographer. No talent necessary! Now you can pull your duck face and it seems classy! Now you can take photos of your dinner and pretend it was cooked in the 70’s! Because, let’s face it, that’s what is cool these days.
But if a picture speaks a thousand words, how many words does 140 characters speak? Why would we want to look at these horrific photos in the first place, when we could rather just read about them instead? Am I right? At least reading is good for you.

Recent Tweets
Young teenage offspring taking a high angled shot of their cleavage in a cosmetic speckled bathroom mirror.
Four girls in a circle taking a picture of their feet
Two best friends performing a photo shoot as if it's their last night on earth.
Girl flipping off the camera. Caption, "YOLO"
Girls freshly painted toenails as they flaunt their gross ass feet.

08. Terrible Novel

One Long Story. One Random Line at a Time.
1,377 Followers

Writing is hard - take it from me. I wrote this whole article, start to finish, and at no point did I have any confidence in what I was doing. It’s like, I think I’m being very clever and funny, and then I reread what I said and it doesn’t make sense. Goddamn apostrophe got me again. It’s supposed to indicate possession, isn’t it? Goes before the “s”? Oh, except if the word already ends with an “s”, then it goes on the end. I think. Wait, except when you talk about the word “its”, because it doesn’t want possession - it is the exception. Unless it is “it is”, which becomes the contraction “it’s” with the apostrophe, right? Whatever, I better spell check this thing. But how can I even be sure that it was successful? It's not foolproof. God forbid I make the “you’re/your” mistake, because Twitter people go on about that so much that I’ve forgotten which is which. But they will still never let it go. Wait, now I'm confused, what was I even talking about? I've been looking at these words for so long that none of them seem spelt right. Is this even English?
You see my problem? These are the reasons why I am yet to attempt to write a novel. There are far too many pages in a novel, which leaves massive room for error. Luckily, some are braver than others, which brings me finally to this account. Spitting out Tweet after Tweet, each one of these updates give us a line from an upcoming Terrible Novel, which may or may not exist. I mean, the story itself seems erratic and non-linear, but personally I think it’s brilliant. Oprah book club shit. I’d buy it, is what I’m saying. His punctuation is impeccable.

Recent Tweets
Miriam pulled a dusty drop cloth off heaps of forgotten family heirlooms. Amidst it all she saw... a frosty sixer of Bud Light? But how?
The lustrous moon hung low in the sky. Mrs. Pettingbone called the children to see its stunning glory. "Yeah, great," they said. "The moon."
The more she ran, the more she felt like ranning.
His soul slithered down through cracked earth and soil to Hell where he was handed a credit card and told to "be reasonable."
The landfill smelled all right. For a landfill.

07. Anti Joke Book

This is a Twitter Account
227,369 Followers

Anti humour is the new humour, and if you don’t think so, stick to your sickipediabot, loser. However, if you do think so, then you and me should get married because, personally, I am sick of laughing at punchlines. I prefer my punchlines to laugh at me, and then (depending on my mood), I may laugh back or even sob about my miserable existence. I’m so lonely.
Life is not a joke, but rather a bunch of observations. It’s like the Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road theory - it doesn’t need to be funny in order to be funny. Or does it? At what point does the point point to pointless, or was that always the point in the first point? It doesn’t matter. I like this account. This is because (for the most part) it sticks to the script and only delivers predictable anti-Tweets for me and me alone. I say “for the most part” (and the only reason why I didn't place it any higher on this list) because sometimes it does seem to slip off the tracks and post what I would consider a "normal joke”. At first this pissed me off majorly - I didn’t sign up for this shit! Until I realised that a REAL joke within an ANTI joke account is like THE BIGGEST ANTI JOKE EVER. My God, when will it end?

Recent Tweets
What did the black guy do with his M&Ms? Eat them.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
Why can't Michael Jackson play chess? He's dead.
A lion walks into a bar... Several people get up and leave predicting the impending danger at hand.
What is the difference between 10 and 3? 7.

06. Dubstep Island

Reality Twitter
2,127 Followers

The big cheese studio executive walks into the room and slams his mug of coffee down onto the desk. “We need a new show, people! Ratings are in the toilet! Are we a company of monkeys or professional writers here?” he spits, as the monkey quietly leaves the room. The token blond girl clears her throat and excitedly holds up a pie-chart which has no labels.
“Well sir, we have been brainstorming for the last 32 seconds, and have all come to the conclusion that our viewers have real lives, yet they don’t actually enjoy these real lives at all. They need someone to live a real life for them in order to give them a sense of existence. And that’s why we believe there is not enough Reality TV on our network.” She smiles at her superior smugly until she realises that he is waiting for her to continue, and so she abruptly sits down. The rest of the suits fidget nervously.
“Reality TV?” the boss questions. “You mean... like, Survivor? I like Survivor.”
The room notices the sparkle in his eye and recognize this as the sign to strike. Slowly they begin to clap as if their leader had come up with the idea himself. He beams with pride for a second, and then raises his hands to quieten them down.
“This is going smashingly well,” he informs the table. “But we need a better angle. Our current age demographic consists of mid-40 housewives and hospital patients. We need something that the kids can relate to. What... do kids like?”
The room falls silent and nervous. Except for Brad, none of them had kids, and even his son had died at a young age from neglect. None of them knew what it was like to be a child. Jennifer wasn't even a child at birth.
The tension is unbearable until the new guy Willie clears his throat and everyone turns to him. “Don’t they like... uhm, dubstep, or something?”
Silence again. A few mumbles here and there, and then a huge roar as everyone realises that this is it. This is what all the children like these days. It was definitely what all the children like. They had all said so on the internets.
“Yes! Yes, dubstep!” the boss shouts as everyone stands up and dances. “This was my best idea yet! We should take all the biggest dubstep DJs and put them on an island! Just like Survivor! I like Survivor!”
Everyone cheers and Craig pops a mini bottle of champagne that he had hidden in his sock. Jennifer starts to make out with Sarah and a few of the surrounding men get their cocks out, ready for a full fledged orgyfest, until Nolan shouts “WAIT!”
They all pause, confused. How dare this junior interrupt their fun time? They would have insulted him right there too, except they could see in his eyes that he had an idea.
“What if... instead of putting this on TV... we put the whole thing on Twitter..?” And in that moment, the boss' head grew purple and exploded. It was the greatest thing he had ever heard in his life.
Please Note: Dubstep Island is currently on a midseason break, so I have no idea when it will return.

Recent Tweets
Skrillex is soaked after trying to use lily pads to traverse a pond "like in computer games."
Every time Squarepusher tries to play slap bass, a herd of goats approaches and stares at him menacingly through the trees.
The islanders gather round to watch two dogs having sex. "Which one is the boy?" asks James Blake.
Missing his iPad, Diplo makes a catapult and starts firing dead birds at Deadmau5's pet wild pig. "Why won't it burst? WHY WON'T IT BURST?"
Kode9 finds the source of the island's mysterious power, but it turns out to be anticlimactic and leaves several key plot points unresolved

05. Preschool Gems

Aw Cute, Children Words
177,623 Followers

If someone like my mom, for example, suddenly woke up and worked out what the internet was, joining Twitter in the process, I’d block her immediately. I'd tell her I didnt know what she was talking about. But if she asked me what accounts she should follow, I might have a hard time pointing her in any safe direction. You see, for me Twitter is one endless stream of sex jokes mixed amongst a bunch of people I am afraid to unfollow because then they may unfollow me back. It’s a numbers game. But every now and then, I have come across something which spans all age groups and humour lines, and those are the ones you should follow, Mum. I’m impressed I managed to stick to the topic there.
Kids say the darndest things, right? And that’s the premise of Leslie McCollom’s account, where she (as a preschool teacher) hears these cute little quotes on a daily basis and then Tweets them for the rest of us who don’t want children. Hell, she even made a book out of it, which means she is EXPLOITING these poor kids for MONEY, and they probably don’t have enough smarts to even understand the concept, proving once again that children are STUPID and adults are FUCKING CLEVER.

Recent Tweets
"I looked in the mirror and saw one of my intestines!"
"I don't want to go to outer space because it's too dark for me!"
"I'm a zebra fairy, and zebra fairies do LOTS of gymnastics."
"I just went poop and then all my clothes fell off."
"Purpose things happen."

04. Every Tweet Ever

Social Networking In General
30,781 Followers

“I don’t get Twitter. Is it just like Facebook status updates, except shorter?” - ever heard this one? I said it once myself, until I discovered that if you roasted Twitter over an open flame, mixed it with a bit of water and then shot it directly into your vein, it became quite addictive after all. I’m physically dependent on it to be honest, but it’s such a social(network)ly accepted drug, that nobody seems to judge its users. Thank God! They took away my heroin and my child, but they will never get my Twitter!
But the sad fact is that there is a lot of crap out there, generally from the schmucks who treat Twitter like it is Facebook and post about their goddamn boring lives as if anyone gives a fuck. How do these people even have followers?? Some of them have more followers than me! Am I maybe missing the point? No, I have a better idea. Let's unfollow all of those people. Each one of those gym-attending-attention-seeking-dinner-posting-relationship-whining fucks. Just unfollow them like it ain’t no thang. Then, follow this account. Because it is every single one of those types rolled into one cliché and compact ball of unimaginative blahhh. Each Tweet will set off the disaster alarm that you’ve heard it somewhere before, but you can relax in the knowledge that it was meant in irony, and irony is funny. Go on. Make Twitter a better place. Don’t encourage mediocrity. Streamline your life. Kill your friends.

Recent Tweets
Women are one way. Men are another! I am so lonely.
#ff people who seem to have forgotten about me maybe this will work hi hi hi
Thanks for helping me get to that milestone follower count, everyone. You all mean that much less to me now, percentage-wise.
URGENT MUNDANE BABY UPDATE
My significant other just did the sweetest thing! I'm so lucky, and you're not.

03. who is dubstep

Demystifying the World Wide Wub
8,521 Followers

We live in confusing times. In modern society, it’s hard to find answers to our complicated questions. If only we had an advanced tool which could scour through the endless content living on the internet. Why hasn’t anyone invented some kind of an engine like this yet, which could effortlessly search the web? It’s actually unbelievable that this doesn’t exist, there is probably a lot of money in that idea. But instead, we are left to ask these nagging questions to the universe itself, such as: is Gangnam Style dangerous? Is Nicki Minaj a real person? And most importantly - who is dubstep?
Thankfully, one very clever fella has taken it upon himself to investigate the latter. At first he may seem like an ordinary guy who works at London Shoe Express, but do not be fooled by his misspelt ramblings - this kid has some real deep thoughts. Sometimes his thoughts run so deep that he can ask 3 substantial questions in just one Tweet, and I don’t think anyone can call that average. And while his main focus revolves around who dubstep may be, it is not limited to this whatsoever. All I can say is that you are probably not prepared to have your third eye opened to the mysteries of smartphones or Tesco ham quite like this - no one could be. But if you are as clever as me, you might relate, and even if you feel overwhelmed, at least you know that you are not alone on this big scary planet.

Recent Tweets
who invented lol
instead of webcams grandad says they use to draw pictures of himself and fax them and it took a month to get there
if i cuold be any geogrphical feature id be a hill
which synth has the best wifi
what did the lfo say to the drum machine can you help im trying to become dubstep comedian but cant think of a punchline

02. Free Facts

The Best Things In Life Are Powerful
101,235 Followers

One thing Twitter has enough of, is PEOPLE. A close second would be Fact Accounts. I follow a few, and they generally help my day to day depression with the weird and wonderful happenings from around the world, which I may not have otherwise known about (even if so many of them just source wikipedia).
But Free Facts is different. Not only is it 100% free (!!) unlike all those other paid-for Twitter accounts, but it also always posts the most amazing and genuine facts in the world - to the point that I wonder how many scholars use it to complete all their homework and then become the life of the party. I know I do. What’s more, they also run a tumblr account where each of these mind blowing facts are accomonied with a proper relevant image and shit. How the fuck is this free?? Somebody is losing money here, surely.

Recent Tweets
Tony Robbins can convince himself to have an orgasm
Racism officially ended in 1982
For centuries humans were too stupid to invent computers
Jewish people believe that everything in the universe is made of pudding
The world slowly gets more futuristic

01. Gus The Fox

bit of a cunt, really.
86,691 Followers

When I first moved to London, I figured everything would be cool. Coming from South Africa, I finally felt safe. I was sick of people stabbing me in the morning with AIDS infested knives whilst I was trying to get into my car. I was bored of sleeping on the pavement when the cops beat the shit out of me and I couldn’t see through my bloodied eyes to get home. London seemed like the dream place: a first world paradise where hot girls had bad teeth and the sun only came 4 days a year. But I had no idea...
Within the first week, it happened. I walked out my front door in my dressing gown, eating my All-Bran, when I nearly vomited. My trash had been torn to shreds. Chicken bones and used condoms and cum tissues were strewn all over the street in a random fashion. My mouth opened to scream but only the cereal fell out, and I looked to my old lady neighbour in shock. She just nodded slowly. “Foxes,” she said. “You better clean this mess up.” Fucking foxes mate! They are the worst! And now they are using Twitter? We are losing the battle!!!

Recent Tweets
A centipede just strolled out of the end of my penis like it's the most natural thing in the world. Fuck off mate. I'm not a bloody hotel.
Just found a white dog turd. Nice little blast from the past.
Just accidentally pissed in my own face.
Trapped inside a bin, whimpering. Every time someone comes and tries to help me I bite their hand because I'm a dick.
Had a dream last night about a hen with a really long ponytail. It was fucking long. I woke up in floods of tears.


Conclusion
The inevitable time has come to say goodbye. Don't pout, darling, it's unattractive. Rather just keep going and read something else on my site. There is enough material and my jokes are really really funny. Especially if you ignore the fact that I am stranded in my own insecurities and desperately hungry for attention. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, for I am sure one day I will grow up into something special. Maybe I'll understand the entire universe. Maybe all of its wobbly vibrations will make total sense to me and no one else. Perhaps the general unknowns of vast existence will only become apparent to a chosen few, and I will be one of those. But for now, you can just fuck right off, basically.
Did you like my conclusion? Did you? Did you see what I did there? Each sentence was based on one of the above Twitter accounts! In order! Yes! I'm so clever! But in all seriousness, you can fuckoff now.

Follow @LegoTrip

John Lennon/Stephen King Did Not Say This

Misattributed quotes are nothing new. Misattributed quotes on the Internet are in some ways more common than the genuine ones. And why not? If I could think of an inspirational phrase likely to fit a famous candidate and then spread it like some meme STD, I would go for it. It's an artform in itself. However, in the last year or so, two specific examples of this behaviour cropped up onto my feeds, and it completely destroyed my faith in the Smart Use of the Share Button Theory. I simply felt I had to make a stand against it just this one time, and so please try not to see this as a personal attack, but rather as an education, you fucking idiots.

"Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend." - Stephen King

Look, I get the appeal of this one. We all loooove to hate Twilight even if we haven't read it yet. So first I'd like to explain that Stephen King himself actually would back this quote up (which is probably why the image was so believable). He has said many nasty things just like this statement before, so here is one REAL excerpt I found on MTV.com:

"The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn," King told USA Weekend magazine, comparing "Harry Potter" writer J.K. Rowling and the "Twilight" mastermind.

So don't panic! He likes Potter! He hates Twilight! It's all good!

But the thing is, I am a huge fan of Stephen King, especially in my youth. To date I have read 17 of his books, which let's face it, is probably more than you. So when I came across the above quote, I was suspicious on a fan level, and did what all fans should have done: GOOGLED IT! And guess what - I was right all along (obviously). This statement was made by a girl on Tumblr named Robin Browne and then stolen and misquoted by trolls just for the hits. Shameful! So shameful, in fact, that one guy has taken it upon himself to scour Tumblr, correcting everyone who posts said image.

Glad that's over. Here's the next one:

"When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down “happy.” They told me I didn’t understand the assignment and I told them they didn’t understand life." - John Lennon

As the reincarnation of John Lennon this one bothered me the most, because I never said that. In fact, no one even knows who said that. I remember this quote floating around for years and years until some smart-ass decided it sounded Lennon-y enough, and faked it as above.

Except it doesn't really, if you know anything about Lennon. And I know everything about Lennon. The very moment I heard that quote I knew he didn't say it, because the whole phrase just didn't have that same cynic John ring to it, like everything else he has said before. It was far too "awww" and "inspirational cloud on a summers day" for the guy. But what proof do I have to back myself up with? Well, for starters, John Lennon didn't even live with his mother at age 5, he lived with his Aunt Mimi. Secondly, Lennon came from Liverpool, where the word "assignment" (as an American term) isn't common place, rather "homework" would be used. You look those up if you like, I don't need to.

But still, I recognise it would be much easier for me to back-up my statements if anyone actually knew who the original author was. But as someone who has read countless John Lennon books, and have come across millions of his quotes before (almost every John Lennon/Beatles saying has been written down to death, trust me, it's The Beatles) it really bothered me that a Brand New Lennon Quote would suddenly manifest to light, especially when the earliest date we can find it posted to the Internet was this site in 2001, according to the discussion here.

Hell, people give Wikiquote shit, but the point is that you are required to reference your shit there. And yet on a page this size, why is there no sign of that text? Surely a saying so potent would be there if anyone could actually find a good source? Exactly.

If you don't think this is enough proof, then prove he did say it. Surely that should be fairly easy to do if it truly was him, right? I can find quite a few examples where it blatantly states it's unsourced.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:
I have since found multiple sources (here and here and here and here and here and here) that claim this quote was from a German Tumblr user named Hazel Weatherfield, the original text written in her own language, like so:

"Als ich fünf Jahre alt war, sagte mir meine Mama immer, dass das Glück der Schlüssel zum Leben sei. Als ich in die Schule kam fragten sie mich, was ich werden möchte, wenn ich erwachsen bin. Ich schrieb “glücklich”. Sie sagten mir, dass ich die Aufgabe nicht verstünde und ich sagte ihnen, dass sie das Leben nicht verstünden."

If true, this is extra sad for two reasons: (1) Hazel Weatherfield may have no idea that her translation is currently being so abused, due to the language difference; and (2) This means that both of these quotes were ripped from an everyday Tumblr user, possibly their only chance at 15 minutes completely torn from their future.
IMPORTANT UPDATE OVER

You guys, the point is this: I see some really smart people posting this shit all the time. It's like they go onto autopilot the moment they hit Facebook. But as far as all of this goes, if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. So PLEASE for the love of PRESERVING HISTORY and HONOURING OUR HEROES, trust NOTHING, Google EVERYTHING FFS.

If I catch you now, I will slaughter you. This has been a fair warning.
Thank you.
Jared

Follow @LegoTrip

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter (again)

Those of you who endured the painful experience of reading my last two Twitter blogs (over here and here) are probably sitting there wondering... wtf Jared, another one? YES ANOTHER ONE, SHUT YOUR MOUTH CLOSED. Yeah, ok, I recognize the lack of interest for the last of the series, but there are two main reasons why I felt I had to do it again. The first reason is that I have been on Twitter longer, and have found many more fascinating people who I have learned to love, and I wanted to share this with you. The second (and more sinister) reason is that I realised I am in control of a very powerful curse.

Yes, it’s true. My Twitter Curse. I found out that by making lists of the people I loved most on Twitter, suddenly those people just weren’t loveable anymore. Seriously, almost the instant I gave them props, they fell off the radar and bleaked me out, rendering my last lists useless and without merit. Don’t believe? Believe! Here is the proof for you to analyse and agree with:

Jesus M Christ and Gary J Busey simply aren’t funny anymore. They are predictable and non-frequent.

The Dinner Guest has hardly Tweeted much at all since I posted about him, sporadically giving us long ramblings that span multiple Tweets which wore the novelty off fast.

Cat Bin Lady has only Tweeted 14 times in the last year or so, and while she has found much success all over the web (including a book which just came out), I found her Tweets to be much the same repeated.

We Fail continue to be funny, but are still making Flash sites, which means their days are numbered.

Paul Keely took months and months of time off of Twitter after my blog, thankfully he is back.

Similarly, Bypass Fan Pages lost their main poster and had trouble updating. Luckily, they have replaced them and are back on track. Shew, what a relief!

Shit My Dad Says became a TV show, which ran for 5 months to terrible reviews and then got cancelled.

Every 5th Tweet or so from Best Worst Advice is now a sponsored link, trying to take your hard earned money. Plus they aren’t funny anymore.

Despite posting a new lyric every hour, Bob Dylan Says stopped completely just under 3 weeks after the blog I made.

Undercover (the music news account) dropped off the face of the planet, the account has been replaced by this??

Oh yeah, and Ivy Bean DIED.

So 60% of my past favourites have become shit and it’s all my fault. What a waste of my time. And yet here we go again, we're out of our medicine, out of our minds, and we want in yours, let us in:

10. Almighty God

The Word Of God
26,411 Followers

Starting off with the big bang, this account isn’t verified or anything, but I’m pretty sure this is the real God. It makes sense, what is the easiest way one could be omnipresent these days other than the internet? Yeah, exactly. So God just kind of sits there on his figurative cloud, reposting links and retweeting people who take his name in vain or in any other interesting way. And unlike other such accounts, He doesn’t judge our Tweets, for ours is the kingdom of heaven, and He is pretty good at answering our prayers and questions. And when I die and get evaluated at the Pearly Gates, I’ll be all like “Yo God! I follow you on Twitter!” and I’d get in. Just keeping all bases covered, you dig?

Recent Tweets:
That voice in Herman Cain's head is not me.
I'm constructing a special room in hell for the people who created Internet Explorer's "compatibility mode."
Judas played a key role in my plan to save humanity. His reward: an eternity of torture in hell.
With the grain you feed to cattle, you could end human starvation many times over. Or not!
I just cured someone of cancer. And let someone else die of cancer. That's my prerogative.

09. Guy Kawasaki

Some Happy Man
433,969 Followers

This account pisses me off in every way. Tweets get spat from this Guy’s ass (who is apparently some kind of an author and worked for Apple or something) which are so well worded, you find yourself clicking the links as if Satan himself had licked your idle hand. But with topics ranging from gadgets to social networking charts to humorous relevant images to fancy napkins and LEGO structures... it’s always a little bit beyond ordinary. That said, 3 out of 4 posts are crap so approach with caution, it’s just that I CAN’T STOP CLICKING EVERY FUCKING LINK. To be honest, I didn’t even want to include this account on the list, but The Devil made me do it. I do whatever he tells me to do. I do whatever Guy Kawasaki tells me to do.

Recent Tweets:
Mint-flavored parking tickets http://is.gd/FYOAO9
A rocking chair for two http://is.gd/uArabM
The rapid rise of Tumblr [infographic] http://is.gd/FK225w
Pillows shaped and screen-printed to look like a weapon set http://is.gd/W02sey
Adorable birthday flipbook [video] http://is.gd/dSOSWa

08. wowsers

The Eleventh Owl To Walk On The Moon
9,001 Followers

wowser is a pretty smart guy. He paints pictures and Tweets seemingly weird and funny things, but when you really think about what he's said, it’s generally quite current and socially conscious. It’s like a stream of ponderings about real life problems; the introspective path to happiness; and the Internet - all candy coated in a childlike humour. Kind of like an owl. Yeah, just like an ambitious literate owl.

Recent Tweets:
Allow trees to be sad in peace. Let's not stigmatise them as Low Trees.
An eye for an eye makes us all live in some weird, unsustainable economy where eyes are used as currency.
On last night's GOP debate Mitt Romney turned into a blue lizard. It was a slip-up, but shouldn't cost him the nomination.
I love Mailer Daemon's emails. He's so funny.
It's getting darker earlier? I hadn't noticed because I don't SEE race.

07. LDN

Your London Guide
96,141 Followers

Let’s face it, if you aren’t living in London, where are you living? Let me guess! Somewhere with crap music hahaha! And like, a shitty Internet connection, right? Hahaha! Oh, and don’t forget the sun! Hahah! I bet you have the sun where you live, don’t you? Hahaha! I bet you like your precious sun hey? Hahaha! :’(
WHATEVER. The point is, if you DO live in London, you really should follow this account because it is updated multiple times a day with places to party, news relating to the tube and overall interesting things about this miserable place we live. In all honesty, I don’t click their links all that much, but it does give me that feeling of “don’t worry guys, we’re in it together” and then I cry and have a wank in my damp concrete room.

Recent Tweets:
Dita Von Teese is set to unveil a pop-up, speakeasy bar in London's Pigalle Club http://LDN.in/Rt1ovH
Brazilian Rodizio all-you-can-eat grill with dessert and cocktail for £15 at Nabrasa http://LDN.in/h4i6gp
Things to do in London on a budget this week http://LDN.in/nRunCn
A black cab gets yarn bombed http://LDN.in/zAFU9R
Pictures from today's student protests http://LDN.in/EqJVnm

06. First World Pains

They're Talking About You
269,541 Followers

While the idea of this account is sometimes bigger than the Tweets themselves, who gives a fuck, it’s the greatest idea ever. The reason why, is that this account brought the best conversational reversal of recent times into a larger consciousness. For example, next time your friend complains that her nails haven’t dried fast enough, or that his car is running out of petrol, just say “#FirstWorldPains”, pop your collar, and then walk away. Because it’s true. These things may hurt us (and they really do), but we’re all eating just fine, so stop complaining already.

Recent Tweets:
I almost had first comment on a YouTube video, but someone beat me! #firstworldpains
I left my phone at home and worried all day about missed calls and texts only to find out no one sent any. #firstworldpains
My iPod froze on my favorite part of the song. #firstworldpains
The girl I like has her facebook pictures set on friends only. #firstworldpains
I ate too much at lunch and now I'm tired #firstworldpains

05. Wolf Puppy

A Baby Wolf Puppy
14,464 Followers

I don’t know who taught this baby wolf how to use a computer, but none of it seems natural. He Tweets things which not only confuse me, but he also makes videos for YouTube and draw pictures on request using MSPaint, I think. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t have opposable thumbs, you use MSPaint. Still, he’s pretty good, and I’m not scared of you wolfpuppy. Intimidated, maybe, but not scared.

Recent Tweets:
WHERE ARE THE BEES FOR MY BEE PETTING ZOO YOU ASK? OH, YOU KNOW, AROUND.. TURNS OUT THEY CAN FLY OVER FENCES. PRETTY NEAT YEP
Hulk Hogan demands only the finest Anime Figurines and Sword Replicas
give a man a fish and he'll kill everyone you love
you can't just point to a bird and call it "bird of the day" isn't there some sort of criteria or selection process
gotta get me that paper and flip it to the funnies. that nigga garfield is hilarious

04. Sickipediabot

Offensive Jokes
191,588 Followers

Sickipedia.org is a website which utilizes a little penis as its favicon - that’s how you know it’s serious. But for those of you who don’t know how serious, you can go to the website or listen to my summary right now: it’s a user-driven list of “sick jokes”, which like minded sick people around the web can rate as Sick or Sucks. I used to really enjoy this practice, except now I get the jokes delivered straight into my Twitter feed, so y'know, success. I don’t know if this account is official (they don’t even have a profile pic?) or if it’s really a bot (I have seen some suspiciously human like tweets complaining about plagiarism) but who cares? I lol, and lolling is the point of the Internet. Period.

Recent Tweets:
I bought a rape whistle and it has come in handy..really helps to mask the screams.
Every time I go on holiday, my wife ends up pregnant. I'm taking her with me next time.
I almost ruined my first job interview by laughing at the man's wheelchair. But I managed to keep my composure and went on to hire him.
Is it normal when your left ball hangs lower than your middle one?
I've swapped the 'No Smoking' sign outside of my pub to a 'No Fags' sign. It works as a double deterrent.
I watch pom. You misread that, didn't you.

03. OMG Life Hacks

Make Your Life Easier
95,502 Followers

This account pretty much sums up what’s awesome about the Internet. While people could (and have) argued that Twitter is a stream of useless updates, rotting your brain like a series of adverts (Ok, I made that last bit up, but it sounds like something people might say, right?) this is the place to prove them wrong. Updated often with rad ways to improve and streamline your very existence in practical and easy-to-use ways, just go the page right now and read the first 10 Tweets. Your days will be instantly better. You’re welcome.

Recent Tweets:
Try applying your deodorant at night instead of the morning! It'll be more effective and you'll sweat less the next day. #lifehacks
To stop an impending yawn, touch your tongue. #lifehacks
Want to send an extra-long text (on a non-smartphone)? Send a picture message with no picture - they hold up to 1000 characters! #lifehacks
Need just a *little* more power from some dead batteries? Put A where B is, & B where A is, & you get another few minutes of use. #lifehacks
Never accidentally send an unfinished email again! Don't fill in the "to:" field until you're ready to send it. #lifehacks

02. Pathetic Paul

THAT guy.
19,626 Followers

There is a little bit of Pathetic Paul in all of us. And if you combined the patheticness in all of us together, it would be Pathetic Paul. But no matter how ridiculous the scenarios that come from this account are, they are all laced with that vibe you can relate to. “OMG, I’ve been there Paul. I’VE BEEN THERE!” you might find yourself saying. And yet no matter how sympathetic your heart feels towards the guy, you know you would have spat on him in High School. I spat on many Pauls in my time. I’m not a very nice person.

Recent Tweets:
Get hit on by girl... Realize it 2 years later.
Politely say no when friend offers food... Regret it for the next hour.
Pretend everyone is naked while giving a speech... Got a boner.
Sit next to people talking in a foreign language... Oh god, they're talking about me.
Girl thinks my leg is the table leg and rests her feet on it... Remain absolutely still for 5 minutes.

01. Chris SimpsonsArtist

My Favourite Account On Twitter
9,622 Followers

I have this weird hazy memory that a couple of years back, I had sex with a really nice lady and she got pregnant by mistake. It was scary, but we decided to keep the baby and every night when I got home from work, I bounced this child on my knee and spoke gibberish to him. But as much as I cared for this kid, my relationship with the woman became a bit turbulent, and after a few months she left me to go overseas somewhere, taking my baby with her. I didn’t miss the girl much, but what hurt the most was that I had no access to my love-child except for the ocassional letter or photograph emailed to me. I don’t really know how else to explain it, but each word I recieved detailing my son’s life filled me with adoration and love - a massive pride I can't properly describe without using hand gestures. But it also broke my heart, as I knew I was missing all the good things, or perhaps even that this entire story was made up in the first place. Basically what I'm trying to say is, if you are reading this Chris SimpsonsArtist, I think I might be your father. Did I mentioned he draws really well too? Yeah, he does.

Recent Tweets:
i am sat next to a man with one arm on the bus and it is a bit rubbish but i have more room so it is better than man with normal arms xox
i am home now and i fell asleep in a troly at tescos but i am fine because a old man woke me up by putting a french stick on my face xox
if it isnt broke then dont fix it but if it is broke just put a bit of sellotape on it and it will be fine trust me xox
oh my god it is lady gaga on my television i am having a panic attack xox
there is always a worried teenager on xfactor xox
baby moles are a fragile gift xox
i cant stop thinking about what i would look like if i had no lips xox


And here are 10 more very good accounts for your grubby fingers:
Html5 Douche
Cranky Kaplan
Old Funny Joker
English 50cent
Sick Jokes
Old Man Search
Ulillillysses
Average Batman
NBA Jam Announcer
The Funpowder Plot


CONCLUSION
At the end of the day, the only person you should follow on Twitter is me. I AM THE CHOSEN ONE. God I hate writing conclusions, I don't feel I'm particularly good at them.


Follow @LegoTrip

Jared Woods' Top 10 Formspring Questions

Formspring is rad. For those of you who don't know what this is, relax, I will tell you. Formspring is a website where anonymous people (like you) can ask the big-mouth user (like me) any dodgy question you like. And because I have spent years and years of my life partaking in fake interviews in front of the mirror, this is the perfect site for me to pretend I am already famous. However, over the last while, it's gone a bit insane. I have received quite a ton of varied questions almost daily, and have only recently got it to a manageable amount. I can only imagine that these people have no idea who I am, because nobody in their right mind should trust me with anything.

Anyways, if you think you can take me on (and I dare you), ask me any question you fucking want here: http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip
I ALWAYS ANSWER EVERY SINGLE ONE.

This blog came around because I recently got asked pretty much the best question ever, which was ironically:

Out of aaaalllll questions yet, what is your favourite?

I figured this had to be the ultimate question, so I took my time reading over each of the 250+ formspring posts on my page trying to find the very best one. While doing so, I realised something very important about myself: I can talk a lot of shit.

Of course, picking just one question wouldn't be my style. My style is far too complex and arrogant for that. So I narrowed it down to my top 10, and after all that effort, I decided this had to be a blog entry rather than just a lost formspring question that 5 people would read.

Here they are, and thanks soooo much to all the people who ask me these things! It means a lot, I am truly grateful for all of you, I can't explain how much joy you guys bring in my life.



10. Do religious/Christian family members or friends ever show concern for your non-religiousness/agnosticism? How do you justify your beliefs to them? I know you believe in God; I mean the rest (or lack thereof). And I'm not preaching here - I'm the devil

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/944098915

WHY I LIKE IT:
I felt this one was particularly important because, as the question suggests, I love to run my mouth off about religion in what can be confused as a blasphemous way. Now I had an excuse to explain exactly why I was doing this, and what my views on organized religion are in general.
I think this question should be an automatic disclaimer that comes attached to my head. Everyone should read it before listening to a word I say, because religion can be a touchy subject, and I don't want to touch anyone.

09. If Mary was married to Joseph why was she a virgin? Did she cheat on him and then blame someone that no one could see?

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/544574283

WHY I LIKE IT:
This one follows the last one nicely. Ok, it could be viewed as a little bit offensive, but in a loving way. I got quite a few comments about it, two readers claiming it was my best yet.
Worth a lol at least.



08. Hey Jared, One of my English buddies hooked me up with your site and I think you're sooo funny! And kinda cute! I live in Missoula, Montana. How far are you willing to travel for the best night of your life..? ;0

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/1045483991

WHY I LIKE IT:
It's always great to have some anonymous internet person wanting to fuck me. It's flattering and is also the only source of sexual advances I receive.
But beyond this, I think this has got to be the best piss-take answer I have ever done. The reactions were fantastic, many people talking to me about it even weeks afterwards. And thanks to TheFilmo, who tweeted about it, I earned a lot more followers for it.
The only thing I didn't understand about this questions was the "kinda cute" remark. Kinda cute? I'm cute as fuck baby, damn.



07. What's the secret of happiness, according to you?

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/424086769

WHY I LIKE IT:
What people don't realise is that while I was answering this one, I was really down. I can't remember why, but I was not in the right place to be answering such questions. It's actually against my rules now, I only answer questions in a good frame of mind, because the ones laced with sadness stick out too loud for me.
However, for once, my slight pessimism gave an interesting twist on my usual "everything is going to be ok" style answer, and I think I hit it more direct that way. One of my friends claimed that this was my best answer ever.
Personally, my favourite thing about this one is that I didn't ramble as much as I normally might have.



06. Can you give a short contextual analysis between your favorite Shakespeare play and the movie Sister Act?

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/593821235

WHY I LIKE IT:
Without a doubt the hardest question I've ever had to answer. It's author, one Faure whom I know from real lifes, loves to fuck with me on the internet almost daily. I think he wanks over it or something, I don't know.
Regardless, just by reading this question you can see the difficulty he shoved into my face. I had to do so much research about shit I didn't give a fuck about, but I was determined and took it very seriously. I was happy with the outcome.
Faure then graded it, gave me a B or something and said "Good effort". My mom would've been alright with that.



05. I would like you to sing me a song about rusks.

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/837639747

WHY I LIKE IT:
Normally questions test my opinions, my ability to research or my life experiences. This one is the only worthy example I can think of that challenged my creativity. And "Rusks" isn't a very common word to rhyme with.
Matthew (The myets guy) has asked me a few questions, some of which pissed me off, some of which were really good. But this one was total class, especially because "Rusks" is somewhat of an in-joke between a few people and myself.
Nobody seemed to care much about this one, but I was stoked. I would loooove more questions like this if you guys can think of any.



04. 1 year ago,the most amazing girl i met in my life broke up with me, stil i cant go for more than 2 hours without being tortured by a thought of her.its relentless.no-one else apeals 2me.i feel doomed,i havnt even had sex in a year!im going insane.help pls

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/478335406

WHY I LIKE IT:
This is one of those great examples where I posted something that I thought I might get into trouble for, but I didn't care because I felt so strongly in what I was saying. The public response was great, mostly from girls (which was surprising), one even going so far as to say that it was my best answer.
Shampies though, I totally sympathise with this dude, really the worst place to be in ever. Hope he's alright now.



03. I'm aware that you are very fond of your father, but you never seem to talk about your mother. Why is this?

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/734598200

WHY I LIKE IT:
My dad is my hero, but I don't often get a chance to talk about how much he means to me. Suddenly I had this platform and I let rip the best I could with all the reasons why I felt my dad deserves all the credit in the world.
The reaction was epic, I have never received that many comments on any of my formspring posts ever, which it was very touching for me. I FUCKING LOVE YOU DADDY. Don't ever tell him I swore.



02. When will you realize that unfettered tweeting, facebooking, forumspring-agathy-aunt and just general pseudo-communication with idiots is arrogant, pointless and only feeds your denial of a very apparent identity complex.

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/482173386

WHY I LIKE IT:
This was an exercise in self control. I can't tell you how hard I nearly lost it. But I managed to keep my cool, take my time, and rip this person a new one smartly.
My response was greeted with great accolade, and that person never bothered me again. My favourite thing is that no matter how funny/stupid you think my answer is, you don't entirely get it. This is because there are a few in-jokes sneakily planted around for a select few, keeping myself entertained above anybody else.

01. Why do sperm have to be kept 4-5 degrees lower than body temperature? And how bad would it really be if they were internal organs? Yes I know the main answer would be "just because" or "that's how God made us" but I want a Jared-style "what if" response.

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/969246689

WHY I LIKE IT:
I have said this theory my whole life. I believe in this theory.
The funny thing is that I didn't get much response for this one at all. But for some reason I think it's my favourite. It's the perfect balance between sex and religion, and while you may think it's a little offensive, you cannot disagree with a word in it.
I will admit, I paused a bit out of fear before posting it, but I think it's the one that makes me laugh the most. Nervously.



CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR
These ones nearly made the top 10, didn't, but are still worth mentioning:


if you were naked, would you grind your body against mine?

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/626660923

WHY I LIKE IT:
I was bored of the usual questions like this, so I invented a test which evaluated the reader's chances of fucking me. It was a complete joke, but quite a few people started messaging me, telling me their scores. My favourite was some fat guy who said he passed and probably wanted to fuck me. I would do it too.


Dude, here's one for #100: what's the meaning of life?

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/562356452

WHY I LIKE IT:
When it came time for my 100th question, I begged for someone to send something good to celebrate my milestone. I received quite a few, all of which got answered, but nothing could compare to this question really.
In general, I think my answer said it's point and did so without dissing anybody's beliefs. One of my religious friends claimed it was my best answer, and it meant a lot that he understood what I was saying.
The ONLY reason this didn't make the Top 10 is because of the last paragraph. I have no idea how that got in there, and has spoilt the post for me.



AND NOW, MY LEAST FAVOURITE:

Dear J. Please can you clarify the difference between a FAIL, EPIC FAIL and WIN. And can you provide an example of each from your weird yet wonderfully disturbed world? A.N.Other Fan

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/827350529

WHY I HATE IT:
I took it too seriously. At my work suddenly the words FAIL, EPIC-FAIL and WIN became very important words. We would debate the definition of these terms here, so it was a very serious question to me.
Totally fucked it up, it doesn't have a second of humour in it, it's way too long, and I am so sorry for that.



CONCLUSION

PLEASE ASK ME QUESTIONS, NO MATTER HOW PERSONAL OR DEEP OR RIDICULOUS IT IS: I WILL ANSWER.
Give Jared's life meaning today.


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