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Originally Written: 04/02/10
Hell Yeah, Boxing.
I like music. And I like people who like music. But more than anything, I like people who get angry and like to fight about music. Because I like doing that too.
This gave me the brilliant idea of posting a survey on facebook which placed some of the greatest bands known to man head-to-head in battle. I tagged 100 of my friends and asked them to have their say, hoping at least 50 of them would partake. It was here I realized that I am not quite as popular as I like to believe, as only 23 of them filled it out. That's ok though, I don't mind, and I cheerfully got the remaining votes from the greatest music community on the planet, RateYourMusic.
This is what happened:
01. Sex Pistols vs. The Clash
Winner: The Clash
I CONCUR
Pssst: Dear People-Who-Voted-For-The-Sex-Pistols... Have you seen Johnny Rotten on any good reality TV shows lately? How about his stint promoting Country Life Butter? Where's your Punk now bitches?? The Clash owns, hands down, case closed, thank you.
02. Tupac Shakur vs. The Notorious B.I.G.
Winner: Tupac Shakur
I CONCUR
Tupac not only sold more records than B.I.G. but also claimed to have slept with Faith Evans, Biggie's wife at the time. Points there mate. At the end of the day they both got shot, so let this be a lesson to you kids - don't listen to Hip-Hop. 
03. Bob Dylan vs. Johnny Cash
Winner: Bob Dylan
I CONCUR
Hey, so did I tell you about the time I saw Bob Dylan live? Yeah, cos I did. And by "saw Bob Dylan live " I mean I saw a miniature blurry figure on a stage a million miles away, but he was there. And so was I, so I think I actually win in the end.
04. Tenacious D vs. Flight Of The Conchords
Winner: Flight Of The Conchords
I CONCUR
Once upon a time there was a really funny actor named Jack Black who started a band with a guy named Kyle Gass, got Dave Grohl to play drums and released a debut album that everyone loved. So then they decided to go one step further, and make an entire movie and an album about the "Pick of Destiny", which was almost funny, but really pretty shit. Flight Of The Conchords, on the other hand, are still awesome and got more votes, so yeah.
05. Britney Spears vs. Lady Gaga
Winner: Lady Gaga
I DISAGREE
Gaga is so hot right now. I mean, Britney has Toxic, probably the greatest pop song in the last 10 years, but I guess she doesn't have the fancy costumes and make-up? Don't get me wrong, I love Lady Gaga, but until she shaves her head and attacks a car with an umbrella, I'm not convinced. Unless the rumours about her having a penis are true, then yeah, I'm convinced.
06. Fatboy Slim vs. The Chemical Brothers
Winner: The Chemical Brothers
I CONCUR
I was always disappointed that Fatboy Slim was much more Slim than Fatboy. I kinda felt like I was lied to. Whereas I am pretty sure The Chemical Brothers take lots of drugs, and therefore seem like the more honest choice.
07. Metallica vs. Slayer
Winner: Metallica
I DISAGREE
But... but... I thought everyone hated Metallica? Don't you guys remember when they sued Napster? Slayer will eat your PC before they even knew how to turn it on. Or how about Lars' snare sound on St Anger? Whereas Dave Lombardo was reaching 210 beats per minute on the Reign in Blood album (fact). Doesn't this mean anything to you people? SLAYER WOULD DRAIN METALLICA'S BLOOD AND MAKE A SHRINE WITH IT but I guess I have no proof of that.
08. Blur vs. Oasis
Winner: Blur
I CONCUR
Ah, the age old Battle Of Britpop, heavily debated between NME readers with cool hair since 1995. I honestly thought Oasis would win this round, but I'm glad to see we are all on the same page here. And while Noel Gallagher has quit to pursue a solo career (a move that is bad news to both Gallagher's careers) Damon Albarn has his band The Good, the Bad & the Queen to keep us happy. Oh, and did I mention Gorillaz? Yeah, he also has Gorillaz.
09. Jack Johnson vs. Regina Spektor
Winner: Regina Spektor
I CONCUR
Most surprised by this one. I was almost certain that you people had no idea who Regina was and have been bracing myself to explain to you slowly why she is my favourite female artist right now (subject to change whenever). So I'm impressed with ya'll, but now I feel it is important to say that Jack Johnson makes me very happy and I would buy him beer.
10. John Lennon vs. Paul McCartney
Winner: John Lennon
I CONCUR
Paul McCartney is the most successful songwriter in the history of popular music, fact, according to The Guinness Book of Records. He has 60 gold discs and sales of 100 million singles. His song Yesterday is listed as the most covered song in history by over 3,500 artists so far, and has been played more than 7,000,000 times on American television and radio. He was responsible for 32 number one singles on the U.S. Hot 100 chart. He is the only artist to reach the UK number one as a soloist ("Pipes of Peace"), duo ("Ebony and Ivory" with Stevie Wonder), trio ("Mull of Kintyre", Wings), quartet ("She Loves You", The Beatles), quintet ("Get Back", The Beatles with Billy Preston) and as part of a musical ensemble for charity (Ferry Aid). But John Lennon was the second coming, so that is all.
11. Cradle Of Filth vs. Dimmu Borgir
Winner: Cradle Of Filth
I CONCUR
I did once try to crucify a virgin whilst listening to Dimmu Borgir, but it just wasn't the same.
12. Massive Attack vs. Portishead
Winner: Portishead
I CONCUR
I'm sorry guys, I know this was hard, the two Bristol Trip-Hop Heavy-Weights against each other. It was rude of me to ask but at least it is all over. However, it stands to point out that Massive Attack reached their peak in 1998 with Mezzanine. 10 years later, Portishead released Third, and it was so good that I puked on my lap right before I had my first ever epileptic fit. Good times.
13. Guns N' Roses vs. Faith No More
Winner: Guns N' Roses
I DISAGREE
You can't get much closer than this really. Look, Axl is a twat, but I think that is his whole appeal or something? Anyways, Faith No More just reunited, Guns N' Roses replaced every member, and I hate change, so I disagree.
14. Frank Sinatra vs. Elvis Presley
Winner: TIED
I VOTED FOR ELVIS
This... is... AWESOME. Because you can't decide! You just can't! There is no way! Everything else is shit besides for these 2 guys! Everything! Especially YOUR MOM.
15. Rihanna vs. Beyonce
Winner: Beyonce
I DISAGREE
I used to love Beyonce, until she was all up in my face telling me to "put a ring on it"?? Damn lady, and you wonder why the divorce rate is so high? Her ass is big anyway.
UPDATE: I fucked up the statistics here. Beyonce was 54%. My bad, and I apologise.
16. Muse vs. Placebo
Winner: Muse
I CONCUR
Yeah, ok, Muse has talent, but that chick who sings for Placebo is much hotter. 
17. Eminem vs. Jay-Z
Winner: Eminem
I CONCUR
Why didn't you guys vote for Jay-Z? Is it cos he is black? Or do you prefer the guy who talks about slitting his wife's throat whereas Jay-Z is happily married to Beyonce? Personally, I dig the way Eminem got sexual with Borat at the MTV Music awards, I haven't actually ever heard his music.
18. The Beatles vs. The Rolling Stones
Winner: The Beatles
I CONCUR
Everytime someone tells me that they prefer The Rolling Stones, I just remind them that The Stones' second single (I Wanna Be Your Man) and their first ever song to reach the UK Top 15 was actually written by The Beatles themselves.
19. Lily Allen vs. The Streets
Winner: The Streets
I DISAGREE
The funniest thing about this one is how almost everyone who voted for The Streets apologized to me for doing so, hahaha. Yes, I voted for Lily, but it was a hard one. Put it this way: I have never bought an album from Allen, but I have bought the first 3 of Mike Skinner's releases. That said, I have never made a website trying to meet Mike Skinner, so that means something I am sure.
20. Queen vs. David Bowie
Winner: David Bowie
I CONCUR
Freddie Mercury is a God, but David Bowie is an alien from Mars trying to save us all with music. It's a tough call, but at least David didn't die of AIDS you know? Ha, just kidding Freddie, you know I love you.
21. The Red Hot Chili Peppers vs. Queens Of The Stone Age
Winner: TIED
I VOTED FOR THE PEPPERS
I found this very tough. While The Queens were one of the pioneers of stoner rock, The Peppers have more letters in their name. In all honesty, until Josh Homme's releases an Autobiography detailing how he did Heroin when he was 10 years old, my vote stays with The Peppers. But this was very interesting indeed.
22. Madonna vs. Michael Jackson
Winner: Michael Jackson
I CONCUR
I bet you would've voted for Madonna if she had just DIED TOO RIGHT?? No? Yeah, me neither I suppose.
23. The Pixies vs. Nirvana
Winner: Nirvana
I CONCUR
This was the hardest one for me, and a lot of you commented how difficult you found it as well. Nirvana did change my life, but I really can't talk anymore about this because it hurts too much.
24. Nine Inch Nails vs. Marilyn Manson
Winner: Nine Inch Nails
I CONCUR
I used to be in love with Manson, but has he released anything of any relevance in the last 7 years? No not really. Whereas Trent has released 7 albums in the last 7 years (if you split up the Quadruple Ghost recordings). Oh, and Trent did sign Manson to his Nothing Record Label before Manson had any luck finding a deal, so I have no problem with this one.
25. The Doors vs. Pink Floyd
Winner: Pink Floyd
I DISAGREE
Each to their own, but everytime I listen to Pink Floyd, this little voice in my head flares up and won't go away. It tells me to hurt myself, and my therapist said I had to stop playing Floyd in my room at night or she wouldn't see me anymore.
26. Radiohead vs. Coldplay
Winner: Radiohead
I CONCUR
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I have no idea why I asked, sorry.
27. Robbie Williams vs. Justin Timberlake
Winner: Justin Timberlake
I CONCUR
It's a tough one, because while JT did break Britney's well-publicized virginity, Robbie slept with 3 out of 5 Spice Girls. And while Take-That were bad, *Nsync made me want to cut myself. But Justin dances better, and it might have been the ugly 3 Spice Girls anyway.
28. Pearl Jam vs. Soundgarden
Winner: Pearl Jam
I DISAGREE
I may disagree, but they will both always be winners in my eyes <3
29. Led Zeppelin vs. Black Sabbath
Winner: Led Zeppelin
I CONCUR
Some people had a difficult time with this one. However, most of us didn't, and I think the reason is because Robert Plant has never been on a Reality TV Show mumbling to himself incoherently. I love you Ozzy, but my church used to warn me that Sabbath lead to Satanism. Now you are just a rehab poster boy for the effects of alcoholism.
30. Pro-Life vs. Pro-Choice
Winner: Pro-Choice
I CONCUR
KEEP YOUR LAWS OFF OF MY VAGINA.
Thank God that's over.
THE COOL KIDS
The 50 Who Voted, In Order Of Submission
Gerard Janse Van Rensburg; Julia Fabrin Jakobsen; Armin Van Wyk; Paul 'Kenni' Kennedy; Utopus; Mike Dowson; Ammr Khalifa; dmpulp; Karl Rohloff; Alistair Fey; Jacques van Heerden; Kirsten Templar; thisispop71; Incubus17; Samantha Alsemgeest; Jonathan Van Der Velden; Planetist; Jupiter82; APH; Edgie Gypsy; Jaclyn Woods; Adrian Blount; EskimoChain; QFXC; Usurping_Python; Christine Hull; metalbrain; Dew1400; VAAC; Zidanie5; dt2; AeroCooper; satyagraaha; Slot_Machine_777; popoyt; mini_ahlin; ason_jones; jjmsmusic; 51392; Leandra de Waal; Neil Sinclair; Dion Troubadour Power; MacDougall; hfield07; phnuggle; lostmonkeys2; Sarah Adams; Lisa C; Janet Sarah Austin; and JARED WOODS uhn tiss uhn tiss.
Originally Written: 22/01/10
Believe it or not:
This was only the second biggest mistake of my life.
As I sit here at the Citizens Advice Bureau waiting to find out how I can fight the case of my missing moneys, I thought a good way to pass the time would be to tell you a story that happened to me a few months back. Please bear with me.
I'll never forget it, it was a miserable day and I was walking around Oxford Street with no idea how I got there. Maybe it was Bus 159 but that's irrelevant, I guess. I had just had a Sub of the Day with The Works and despite the cold drizzle, I was feeling chipper as fuck and pretty invincible as I do.
Oxford Street is a consumer paradise, logos of well known brands blaring into my brain and no doubt begging for purchases - as if they needed the money. I needed their fucking money, who's story is this anyway?
Anyway, I consider myself to be somewhat of a genius. IQ tests may disagree, but I wrote the book on Physics For Dummies and I do believe much of Stephen Hawkins' work was based on mine (that bastard). But when I saw a dirty old shop called “That Voodoo You Do” I couldn't quite place where I had seen it before. It was like Deja Vu, except more like an acid trip I took in 'Nam. My heels spun and I entered the small room without much thought on the matter at all.
It stunk like incense and urine, or urine flavoured incense, which seemed impractical to me. I'm sure you can picture it, your cliché looking witch covent except everything had a price tag on it. I swear, even the cobwebs on the ceiling were going for around £1.50 and everything was brown.
A small bell chimed as the door closed behind me and a little old lady who looked like Meryl Streep glanced up and smiled. She was ugly as a dog but I was attracted to her, if you must know. “Touch anything you want” she said to me, and I wasn't sure if she was referring to her merchandise or her body. She looked down and continued fumbling over her game of Sudoku in the London Paper (RIP) and I felt compelled to look busy as if I meant to buy something.
She looked nothing like this really.
The thing is, nothing begged to be touched at all - on contrary, everything looked like it was infected with a VD. Everything, but this slightly oversized microscope sitting uncharacteristically between a skull of a small animal and a voodoo doll that looked like me mum. It was weird man, I wanted to run but instead I found myself right in front of the microscope which was priced at £10 – a steal really.
Despite my gut-feel, I leant over and peered in. At first it was a blur and it hurt my eye. I blinked furiously until a picture began to form. I was confused, it didn't make sense. Because once the image focused, I was staring at yet another microscope.
I don't know about you, but I was raised to believe that if you look through a microscope and see another microscope, there is big trouble ahead indeed. Instantly I got a headache and finally my legs obeyed me as I turned to run out of the shop. I heard the old lady cackle and I think she screamed at me “They always come back!”
The weird thing is that I don't remember the rest of the day at all. My next memory was sitting on my bed, clutching my pillow like it was my girlfriend or something. I think I was even licking the casing, and that's embarrassing.
Since then my dreams haven't been the same. I keep having ones about a book that I just can't open and a jersey that knits itself. Which is a refreshing break from my usual dreams filled with murderous screams of rape in the depths of hell, but it was unsettling all the same.
I could go on, but the point of this story is where it all went wrong. For the life of me I can't tell you how this happened, but it did happen, and it is too late now.
It was a Friday night, I was alone at home in Hackney Central and I got a friend request on facebook. I clicked the link and I got such a fright I inhaled my coffee and spluttered it all over my keyboard. The request was from “The Microscope”. We had a thousand friends in common, which is really strange because I don't even have a thousand friends.
I freaked and clicked Ignore. As soon as I lifted my finger off of the mouse, the Ignore button disappeared but the request stayed, and our friends in common jumped up by a further thousand. I must express to you: I was completely sober.
Of course I was scared, but this was still pretty amazing. I was intrigued, and at this point I felt I had no choice. I accepted the request and as I did so, my PC shut down. My PC is old and decrepit, so I wasn't surprised and figured it was possibly just a bug or a flashback, and stood up to get more coffee. And then there it was.
The microscope was sitting in my door way, and I could feel it looking at me. I screamed like Axl Rose and then this voice boomed “SHUT UP!” and I did.
“Do not be afraid,” it said “I am the best thing that has ever happened to you. I am here to grant you one wish – ANY wish you want. Look into your heart – what is it you most desire? I will give it to you.” This is word for word, I'll never forget it.
My mind raced. A million quid would be nice? How about Hannah Murray tied up in my bed? Or world peace – always a good one? And this is where it happened – the biggest mistake of my life. And I don't know why.
“I wish you were addicted to cigarettes” I said.
“What?” The Microscope questioned.
“You heard me,” I continued “I wish you were a fucking chain smoker for the rest of your life. I wish you felt like death every time you weren't filling you mechanical lungs up with toxic smoke. I wish from now on, you were a hopeless fag addicted microscope.”
There was a pause. Then a cigarette slid out the eye piece of the microscope as if it had been hiding there all along, and smoke bellowed out of all sides.
“SO BE IT, you asshole” it spat at me out of a cloud of nicotine, and then disappeared forever.
I don't know why I wished for that. God, I'd love to have a million quid right now. But seriously, it just came out! I really wanted nothing more than a microscope to be bound by addiction in that moment, and I totally regret this. But at least I never saw it again, and I do laugh every time I think of this smoking microscope trying to grant wishes whilst it coughs it's cogs into a frenzy.
The dreams are still there though.
Ok, my number has been called, it's my turn to talk to an advisor. But please, listen to what I'm saying kids. Don't smoke, it'll kill you.
<3 Jared
Originally Written: 12/01/10
This image is not photoshopped in anyway.
It was taken in 1971 and I was dressed as RoboCop.
As my quest to meet Lily Allen continues, I thought now would be a good time to tell you about the other celebrities I have come into "contact" with in my life. This is important you see, because I was born with a misshapen spleen and a floating rib made of chalk in my body, which harnesses some of the GREATEST POWERS KNOWN TO MAN. Well, that's what I've been told anyway. It was supposed to start working around puberty, but it just never seemed to switch on. My organs are fucked, they just kind of move around the inside of me, really slowly. Almost all my intestines have been near my collar bone for over 6 months now.
So I went and chilled with a witch-doctor in South Peru, who was an asshole. He burnt me with his cigarette once on purpose, told me it was tradition and then he laughed. Anyways, he also told me that my internal turmoil would only truly break free of their spell once I had sucked the fame out of an unknown amount of celebrities around the world. Which seemed logical and I left feeling somewhat enlightened I guess. I knew it was worth the shot anyway, and I set about on my quest. This is how far I have come:
Famous For:
A top supermodel of the 1990's, and she married David Copperfield.
The Story:
When I was like 12 years old or something, I had a massive crush on Claudia. I collected a bunch of her pictures and showed them off like she was my girlfriend. One day some 7th Grader promised me that he had her signature, and he would trade it for the pictures. I would've jizzed in my pants if I was a year older. I agreed, and sure enough, he brought me her signature the very next day. In the end, it was a fake and a cruel joke, so maybe this entry doesn't count.
Famous For:
Drummer for SlipKnoT. Lesser known as the guitarist for Murder Dolls, and even lesser known for other stuff too.
The Story:
I was in Australia and I went to see SlipKnoT. One of the drummers (I like to pretend it was Joey) threw his drumstick in the crowd. I was nowhere near it and didn't even see it. But after the show I was standing in the queue to take a piss and the guy next to me had it in his hand. He let me touch it with my index finger. I sighed with relief and he looked at me like I had just puked on him.
Famous For:
Bassist for Hole and The Smashing Pumpkins. Also done some solo stuff.
The Story:
I went to see Smashing Pumpkins when I was 17 or so in Cape Town. D'arcy had just been kicked out of the band for DRUGS and Hole bassist Melissa Auf Der Maur was filling in. At the very end of the show, she threw her plectrum into the crowd and my sister caught it. I was so pissed off with my sis, I pretty much expected her to give it to me, but she didn't. Anyways, I did touch it and my insides vibrated.
I spent the whole next morning phoning every hotel in Cape Town trying to track them down, and actually did find one that had a "James Iha" who had just checked out :/
Famous For:
Singing in the Nu-Metal band Dry Kill Logic.
The Story:
Who is Dry Kill Logic? Exactly. But at the time, I really liked them because I was 15 years old and NU-METAL WAS SO SICK MAN.
Anyways, I found their email address somewhere, and mailed them pretending I was a journalist in South Africa. I said I wanted to interview them for a magazine and the singer Cliff Rigano responded, saying "ok".
I sent him 10 questions I pulled out my ass and he answered them. I totally tricked a lead singer signed to Roadrunner Records, nice.
However, it didn't do much for me, they just weren't famous enough.
Famous For:
Singing in the Post-Hardcore band The Blood Brothers. Also involved with The Vogue, Neon Blonde and Jaguar Love.
The Story:
This is a big one, as The Blood Brothers are still one of my favourite artists ever. Their album Burn Piano Island, Burn (produced by Ross Robinson) had just come out, and I was hooked man, really hooked.
So I searched and searched the net for an email address, and I eventually somehow found their oooold official website which was obviously made before they were famous. And it had an email address.
I mailed and Johnny Whitney responded, and he was my favourite. I was all like "OMG YOU LYK FKN RULEZ MAN LULZ" and he was very decent about it. He was quite amazed that his music had reached me in South Africa, and started to ask a lot of political questions.
I hate politics. Somewhere along the line I think I told him that "yes, people were dying in the streets, but nowhere near I lived", and my general message probably came across really apathetic and borderline discriminatory. I wish I had of worded it better, but it was too late, he stopped responding to my mails. BUT I'LL FORGIVE YOU JOHNNY BOY.
Famous For:
Singing in the Post-Grunge band Seether.
The Story:
Before Seether there was Saron Gas. Important difference: Saron Gas was pretty much the biggest South African Rock Band around 2001 and they deserved it. Then they got signed to the American label Wind-Up Records in 2002, changed their name to Seether, and sounded like every other watered-down Wind-Up band that exists.
Shaun did fuck Amy Lee from Evanescene though, so his organs must've been going ape-shit.
Anyways, I went to one of their shows when they were still South African and playing at Mercury Live in frontof a small(ish) crowd. People were stage diving, so I got up on stage, moshed around with them a bit and then jumped into a sea of hands. It was awesome.
After the show I ran back stage like a good little groupie and asked Shaun Morgan (who was known as Shaun Welgemoed at the time) to sign my album cover. He did so, and a drop of sweat landed on his freshly marked signature. "Sorry" he apologised.
He had no idea that I was planning to eat the entire cover when I got home.
Famous For:
Picking up girls and teaching people how to do the same.
The Story:
I know you don't know who he is, but when I met him, I knew of him well. He is pretty much the guru of picking up chicks, arguably the original Pick Up Artist. Read Neil Strauss' The Game, because it is an excellent book and introduced me to Ross' work. It even talks about how the guy ran around like a dog after Carmen Electra trying to sniff her ass. She's pretty famous.
ANYWAYS, I won a free seat at one of his seminars over Twitter, worth $1500 so I was stoked. It was 3 days worth of Nero-linguistic Programming and Hypnotism, the whole thing was kinda weird. I got to shake his hand ("Your hand is sweaty! Everyone wipe your hands BEFORE you touch me" he said to me) and take the above photo.
Whilst I did get celeb-shock and blurted out my words like I had some kind of speech disorder, it still wasn't enough to really power-up my chalk rib. This is because PUA is lame and now I pick up chicks using drugs and money.
Famous For:
Pretending to beat people up.
The Story:
Oh yeah! Seven-Time World Wrestling Entertainment Champion! Can you feel that shit? CAN YOU!?!? I have his signature bitches! Read it and weep He signed my fucking January issue of the official WWF magazine when I was 8 years old. So what you gonna do now, huh?
Yeah, then you get older, and you don't care anymore. But like or not, Bret Hart has that magical thing called "Fame", and I have his signature. It's in my January issue of the official WWF magazine. And that is why whenever things are going my way, I like to take a moment, pause and say "Thank You Bret. Thank You."
Famous For:
"Singing" for The Streets.
The Story:
Mike Skinner is well famous, proper like. I am a big fan, I even have his lunchbox and trading cards. So when I looked in the newspaper and realized he was playing a show just down my road at the Roundhouse, I was all like "should we go?" and my housemate was all like "yeah, let's go" and so we went.
The show was mind-blowing, and using our "pretend it's all just meat™" method, we pushed our way to the front.
At the very end of the show, Mike jumped into the crowd. Everyone surged towards him, and I could see his arm in range. I lunged as hard as I could, and my floating rib sparked and rattled as my hand gripped onto his wrist. I could feel his fame getting sucked into my very being, and he noticed it too. He yanked his wrist from my dirty fingers and was gone, carried away by the waves of people. But I have a part of him now. Oh yes, Mike. I have a part of you now.
Famous For:
Singing for The Deftones.
The Story:
Deftones are one of those bands that have never sucked. As the people's taste changes, this band effortlessly slides into new sounds and everyone loves them. All the while their competition melts away into has-beens and what-nots.
In 2009 I went to their show at the HMV forum. The show was wicked, I was at the front, and I never wanted it to end. Not surprisingly, it did end, but just before they walked off stage Chino started to slap the hands of the front row audience. I stuck my hand out as far as I could, and willed with all my might "you will touch this hand". And he did.
This is bigger than it sounds, as this is the only example where someone in the "famous" region has touched me on their own accord. It was a brief slap, but I haven't washed my hand since and my deformed insides remember this as the closest it has come to awakening.
As you can see I'm not doing to well. You just read an entire blog about a guy who has actually never met anyone famous in his whole life. How does that make you feel?
At least now you know the truth of why I want to meet Lily Allen. You can stop asking. It's not because I like her or that I even know who she is. It's just that she is famous, and once I get my photograph, my mutated guts will surely have enough power to summon a demon or make money or something. I mean, surely, right? Right?? SURELY.
Eventually I am going to try and make out with Paul McCartney regardless of what happens.
Thanks for reading my blog,
Love Jared
OUTTAKES
This one literally just happened. Buck Angel is pretty much the most famous guy in the world who has a vagina. I tweeted him with "I watched some of your porn and I threw up a little in my mouth. Keep up the good work." and he responded with "HAA!! Awesome glad I could help! WOOF".
Not totally famous, but the dude has a vagina, c'mon.
David Firth is the "Salad Fingers" guy, but he does loads of other and better stuff too. He is making some kind of full-length feature, and he blogs about it here. I commented and asked a bunch of questions and he answered. Yay, I am a massive fan.
If you know Reggae, you know this guy. When I was 11 years old or so, I did not know Reggae. I was on a plane to go somewhere, and this massive rasta group was there. They all looked stoned AND I BET THEY WERE. When the air hostess asked the one guy for an autograph, I knew something was up.
I turned around and said to the guy "Are you in a band?" and he said "That's what they tell me mon". Only 5 years later did I realize how cool Burning Spear was, but by that time it was too late, the organs had missed it.
Originally Written: 17/12/09
It all began, as things do, in my head. It was a slow click, and it didn’t make sense. Why was it that some of my friends were hell-bent on arguing that there was a tooth-fairy that snuck into their rooms, replacing the useless teeth with small change like some kind of currency? This bullshit was beyond me. For everyone knew it was a tooth-mouse, right?
Because that made sense, and in hind-sight, was definitely more logical than a fairy. I had seen mice, I knew what they were made of. Even in recent years I can testify that a mouse is more than capable of entering under the door and scratching under my bed, and I have never seen a fairy do this. So the concept of a friendly mouse with an excess of human money wasn’t that weird for a seven year old kid. But a fairy? That was a whole new can of worms. If one was to believe in fairies, well then you might as well believe in gnomes and goblins, dragons and the Tokoloshe. Mice exist, I swear to god, I have seen them.
Now, I think I would’ve accepted this if girls believed in the fairy theory, while guys believed in the mouse. The fairy is not only a more feminine mythical creature, but girls obviously had no idea what they were talking about. They had cooties after all, and who knows what the fuck else. But why would my seemingly intelligent guy friends believe in such an atrocity? I just had to ask.
“Mom?” I approached the subject carefully on a day I will never forget. “Is the tooth-mouse really real?” Her face changed, it was slightly amused as if she knew this day would come. Maybe even proud that her son was growing up. She pulled me into the study to make sure my little sister didn’t hear her.
“No, he isn’t, Jared.”
Ok, that I could handle.
“And the Easter Bunny?”
“No Jared”
Ouch. Ok, ok. Maybe all isn’t lost though.
“And Father Christmas??”
“No.”
It swelled up inside me. It couldn’t be. I had put so much faith into this man. The man that in many ways had over-shadowed Jesus as the true giver, the hero celebrity of Christmas.
“No!” I eventually cried “No! He is real! I know it!”
“Ok, yes Jared, you’re right, he is real.” She turned away.
That didn’t sit right with me. The dream was over, there was no magical fat man who would climb down my chimney (a chimney which didn’t even exist). My fucking dad was eating the cookies, which was almost more unfair than anything else. I had been tricked by my own parents. I was a sucker, a pre-teen, ignorant sucker. How had I been such a fool?
You better watch out, you better not cry,
You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why,
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He's making a list, he's checking it twice,
He's gonna find out who's naughty and nice,
Santa Claus is coming to town.
It’s amazing that any of us could sleep at night. It was a game our parents loved to play, a sadistic laugh every time they used the Christmas excuse to keep us in check. "Don't do that Jared, Santa is watching" which is a scarier thing to hear than "Satan is watching" at that age.
But no, not me, no more, I was in the know.
Of course, the next Christmas was even better. No longer was I paranoid that the quality of my presents was weighed by an old man watching my good and bad deeds. I wanted what I wanted, and it was my parents who got it for me, or failed. Oh the joy! The realization! The freedom! And it finally made sense why this powerful man skipped those in poverty every year.
St. Nicholas was real though, we all know that. A giver, the true Santa who used to give to the poor and earned the nickname Nicholas the Wonderworker. He was the original model of Santa, the reason why we thought the latest remote-control car or Barbie’s play-house came from The North Pole. And yet, his story is criminally overlooked, and I want to pay homage to him here.
Many legends have developed surrounding the saint. Most people know that he used to put coins in people's shoes when they left them out of their houses. But did you know that he once resurrected 3 children after they were slaughtered by an evil Butcher and sold for meat? I mean, that's got to be true. Then again, if I was cut into little bits, I'd rather stay dead, but each to their own. He also once threw money in a poor man's window so he could afford to get his daughters to marry people and get out of his house. So yeah, he was obviously really rich, but a kind rich man is better than a kind poor man, trust me.
St. Nicolas day generally falls on the 6th of December. Nobody knows this, and yet we still celebrate a model of his actions 19 days later. Plus, St. Nick didn’t have a factory of toys. And whoever came up with the fucking elves idea (just a glorified version of child-labour) is beyond me. Who named the reindeer? And how much time did we waste learning all these stupid facts?
Fun and games aside, there is a real reason why we celebrate Christmas, one that pre-dates any Santa-myth. The most famous person that ever existed: Jesus Christ himself.
Now I must prewarn, I have many Christian friends. And I am all for that, find your own way to worship God (or whatever you want) I think it is important. But if you get a little squeamish when your views are challenged, I mean no harm, please stop reading.
I believe in Jesus, I do. I think a story of that magnitude had to start somewhere. I used to wear a cross everyday as a respect to that, an icon that changed history to such a degree that wars have been fought in his “honour”. And on the 25th of December, 3 wise men followed a bright star and found the miracle baby, the savior, Jesus Christ.
Except this didn’t happen quite like we have been told. I’m sorry, but the proof is under your nose, if you choose to look. The Bible itself never even mentions the 25th of December, in fact it has been said that Jesus was born during Summer as it would be unusual for shepherds to be “abiding in the field” during December when fields were unproductive. Scholars generally agree it would be more likely that Jesus was born in September. So much for those naivety plays you did in Junior School - there is no mention of a donkey, a stable or even the innkeeper ANYWHERE in the Bible.
So where did this come about? Why the hell are we giving presents to each other; parents eating cookies and scaring naughty kids; extra long church sermons remembering the birth of the saviour etc? All without any historically accurate literature (including the Bible) relating the significance of this day to... well... anything?
Thanks to the blasphemous Da Vinci Code and Zeitgeist, the facts have been quite wide-spread. Almost every tradition in the Christian religion was stolen from Pagan cultures. Mithras, Osiris, Adonis, and Dionysus were all "born" on the 25th. All of this is crap, however, because what we are really celebrating here is the day that the Sun reverses its southward retreat, which was significant to those peeps living in BC who loved The Sun so much that we can actually trace almost every form of organized worship to the fiery ball in the sky. And I am all for that, I fucking love The Sun.
So there you have it. We are still just celebrating something that was put in place by people who thought the earth was flat and that we were the center of the universe. Progression my ass, you guys are still a bunch of monkeys. Not me tho, I'm kind of like a rubix cube.
Anyways, regardless of The Sun, Jesus or Santa: Christmas is a joyous day. I love it. The vibe is unmistakable, old people indulge in extra wine, the food is superior, there is unity. It’s the day of giving and receiving, about feeling good, about making others feel good. And even the most heathenistic of us all can see the positivety in that. But whether you use this day to eat too much, to connect to your Lord, to love your family, or to get stuff... remember that it's all a crock of shit and you are an idiot.
Have a Merry Christmas.
Originally Written: 03/08/09
HOW TO BEAT DEPRESSION IN ONE EASY STEP
1. Stop thinking about yourself so much.
Originally Written: 20/03/09
Top 6 Disney Afternoon Theme Songs
We should all allow ourselves to go through phases in music. Having just come out of an extensive Trip-Hop phase, I was eager and excited for my next obsession, and it hit me in a form I had never considered. Disney theme songs. And I’m not talking about those Phil Collins tearjerker movie soundtracks, I am talking about those shows you ran to your lounge to watch every Sunday when you were a child. These are the kind of songs that appealed to your developing mind slowly rotting away behind the TV screen, but you were too young to know why or understand their brilliance. All you knew was that you got excited. Admit it or not, these are your favourite songs. So if any of this brings back a smell of nostalgia, this note is for you. I chose these specifically from the 15 cartoon shows that made up The Disney Afternoon which aired from 1990 – 1997 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disney_Afternoon). These are the songs I love. And normally I am way too OCD to make a list consisting of only 6 entries, but the reasoning was simply this: some could not be put on, and some could not be left off.
Disclaimer:
1. The dates you see after the titles are the years of the said show’s original run.
2. The names you see are the composers and may not be entirely accurate as the information out there can get confusing. However, it was all taken from http://www.imdb.com, which is pretty reliable.
3. I also hope the UK YouTube links work for everyone, but if you can, try listen to the song while reading my entry.
06. Goof Troop (1992 – 1993)
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=EbFPiBbHBRo
Robert Irving, Randy Petersen, Kevin Quinn
The tragedy of this tune is that it is made up of cool parts, and equally weighed out with irritating parts. Sure, it starts off well enough with Goofy’s signature “Ehyuk” followed immediately by the stuttering “hi-hi-hi-hi-Hit it”… but somehow you can’t quite escape that overall feeling of “lame”. However, the deep vocals do stand-out, and tied with the little break-beat pre-chorus thing and killer harmonies, it’s a fun little piece of work. Unfortunately, the MAJOR crime comes a bit later, just after the convincing “Now Gimme a Beat”. It is here that the writers use, in my opinion, the WORST technique in music. The Truck Driver's Gear Change (read about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Modulation_(music)). Luckily, it narrowly escapes complete failure, ending with the lyrics ordering us all to “Report to the Goof Troop, bada-ba-daba looba, yeah”. Yeah. Still a catchy winner.
05. Talespin (1990 – 1991)
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=LKTKZvzMIts
Michael Silversher, Patty Silversher
Moving on and up, this song is even catchier, very Caribbean and ireé from the get-go. This is smart as it accurately represents the entire overall vibe of the show, which so many theme songs fail to do these days. Another healthy aspect of this tune is that anybody can sing after only hearing once. It’s provoking kids and adults of all ages to find themselves singing: “Oi-yeah: TAILSPIN. Oi-oh: TAILSPIN”. Man do I remember vibing that on my lounge floor. Oh, keep your ears peeled for the Michael Jackson “Hee-hee” at 38 seconds. Overall, it’s thorough, and just when you thought it couldn’t get any better; we have the “Oi-yeah (oi-yeah). Oi-oh (oi-oh). Oi-yeah (oi-yeah). Oi-oh (oi-oh),” doubling in speed and doubling in impact, followed by the final a ccapella part “Spin it, lets begin it, bare and grin it when you're in it. You can win it in a minute, when you spin it, spin it, spin it”. Which is my favourite part. Which is the part that makes the song.
04. Darkwing Duck (1991- 1992)
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=W2UFFzPsSsg
Steve Nelson; Thomas Richard Sharp
Motherfucker, it just keeps getting better. The very basis and underlying hook of this song is that it manages to maintain a very funky vibe, while still keeping very mysterious and rather intense. The chorus blasts it out of the water with the unforgettable “When there’s trouble you call DW!” and of course the classic “lets get dangerous!” I must add that the line “Nobody knows for sure! Bad guys are outta luck!” is delivered with such confidence that it strikes fear in me about this purple duck. And of course the closing “Better watch out you bad boys!” fantastically sums up this simple yet powerful theme song. Go Disney.
03. Bonkers (1993 – 1995)
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=w6gFFGRanwE
Mark Watters (Unsure)
I guess the most stand-out aspect of this song is that it gives you the background of the entire story itself. Which I find to be rare, underestimatedly important (sic) and (let’s face it) not often very well executed in general TV shows. The rhyming is really good too, and with the right beat and vocals, it could be a killer rap song. Yes, this song gives you all of this while still maintaining a very fun, silly, vibey sound. The guy’s voice reminds me of the song “Push the Little Daises” from Ween, check it out. My favourite moments are at 24 seconds: “Hopes-he-gets-here-on-time”; 31 seconds: “No if's, and's, or but's but...” (fucking brilliant); and the ending run: “He’s caught in a trap, ready to snap, zappin' the cap'n and takin' the rap. But you can’t hold back that whacky attack! That’s why you’re still a star!” And as it is with any other good song, it just seems to get better and better until the final “Bonkers! Bonkers! Bonkers! Bonkers!” exchange, which is absolutely perfection. Maybe not the best show in the world, but that’s not the purpose of this note. I have nothing to criticize for writing of this quality.
02. Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers (1989 – 1990)
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=t-dLOYPFGiM
Mark Mueller
This song is fucking amazing. It starts off very dark and serious, and has the uncharacteristic feeling of maturity in a children’s song. Relax, it takes a lighter turn fast enough, right to the bouncy “Ch-ch-ch-Chip and Dale” chorus, with little “When there’s danger” thrown in now and again for good measure. But to me, it’s the singer that wins the day, as he/she (?) sounds like they have real emotion for the famous chipmunks (listen for the “never FAILS” at 31 seconds). Dig the overall 80s synth-vibe, from the first note to the last: it’s got power and it’s memorable; it’s pleasant but not cheesy; and it’s faaaar from typical.
01. DuckTales (1987 – 1992)
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=frGLMtGsotc
Mark Mueller
Ladies and Gentleman, we have a winner. It comes out swinging and smacks you in the face with a solid bass line and every word cleverly thought out, throughout. It builds you up before dropping you into the chorus which WILL get stuck in your head. Go ahead. Listen. It WILL get stuck in your head. Just go up to someone who grew up in the 80’s and shout “DUCKTALES” and they will respond “WOO-‘OO”, it’s almost too catchy. And not to pick favourite’s or anything, but the greatest melody has got to be the “Everyday that I can make in Duck Tales” and the “Tales of daring do-bad and good luck tales”, surely. Then, as one of Mark Muller’s signature stutter lyrics (same writer as “Ch-ch-ch-chip and Dale”, just by the way) is the “D-d-d-danger lurks behind you”, and suddenly... you can’t help but feel a little bit warmer. It’s well written by any standard, and you can tell that the project was taken very seriously.
This is my favourite song in the world right now :)
Originally Written: 15/01/09
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE BAND BLONDIE
Dearest Debbie and co.
Please please please release another single this year! And if you still have any juices left in your formerly-sexy-now-crusty-yet-still-somewhat-sexy bones, make it a good one!
I know you can do it love. You always had a knack for last minute saves. In 1979 "Heart of Glass" hit number 1 in the UK charts, shooting you to the fame you deserved, and securing you as one of the top bands of the late 70's, especially when your next single "Sunday Girl" achieved the same fate.
You owned the following year too, 1980 you hit number 1 three times with "Call Me", "Atomic" and "The Tide is High". This was very smart, as to have number 1 hits two years in a row isn't the BIGGEST deal for a successful and talented artist such as yourself, but to do this over the change of a decade does make the achievement all that more special.
And then in 1982, you guys broke up and it seemed to be over. It didn't matter, you were still a solid fixture of the 80's, even though it was sad.
10 years passed quickly, and then a further 7 years after that. And out of the blue, you guys released "Maria", which shot to number 1 in 1999. What a move! Blondie, you blow my mind. This means that you guys are the only American act to reach number one in the UK singles charts in the 1970s, 1980s and 1990s, as I am sure you are aware. To feel success of this nature is unheard of, and of all your countless achievements (incl being the oldest female artist to have a number 1 hit), this is my favourite.
But the years have passed again Ms. Harry, and don't you think it's about time you release your 2000's hit? It is 2009 after all. Sure "Good Boys" hit #12 in 2003, and that's very nice, but I think we can all agree that this is just not enough. I believe you can pull it out the bag one more time Deborah, do it for us, and this will almost certainly keep this record from being unbreakable for centuries to come.
Please, think about what I have said.
So much love,
Jared Woods
P.S: You may be 64 years old, but I'd still sleep with you. Call me!!!
Originally Written: 31/08/08
Introduction
I would like to think that by now 99% of people who have access to any form of media have been exposed to the Law of Attraction. Even though the first publication of LOA was in 1879 in the New York Times, it was only until the release of The Secret DVD in 2006 that the whole world took notice, including myself. Now, a lot of people I have debated with reject the idea immediately, and so if you feel that this life changing New-Age thought idea is a bunch of crap, my suggestion is not to read this. However, if you are someone who is interested in this, or even better, someone who practices LOA and wants a little more ooomph in their manifestation, this is for you.
What is LOA?
The Law of Attraction is (very basically) the idea that like attracts like. Most of the people who reject this do it on the basis that it is "wishful thinking" and even some sort of a cult thing going on. But by breaking it down using simple Quantum-Physics, it really isn't as magical as one would think. Everyday we are all bombarded with information. From Tv to the internet to even walking down the street and being exposed to countless fashion statements, corporate logos and items to purchase. It is IMPOSSIBLE for our brains to take all the information in. So as an almost defense mechanism, our brains only take in what it feels is relevant to what it is that we are thinking about.
I won't go into too much detail, but the idea is that we should keep good thought, and when an intrusive bad thought comes along we can recognize it as being negative, and then swiftly replace it with a thought you love and hold onto the feeling. Two people could be walking down the same street on a rainy day. The person who has been constantly allowing negative thoughts into their brain may think "Damnit I am getting wet!" The person who has been thinking how great everything is might be thinking "I can't wait to get home and have that nice bath." It's the same situation, but your perspective determines your attitude towards life, and everything will look hunky dory.
This goes a little further, as the real "Secret" that people might miss is that one must pretend that you already have everything you want, therefore your energy and your cells are on the right frequency. This is difficult to grasp, as you are essentially lying to yourself, but I can't express enough how amazing this is. Just think about it, if you are focusing on what it is you don't have, you are just reminding yourself that you are missing something, and that will get you down and you won’t notice when the opportunity to get what you want comes along. But by living your life as if you already are rich/famous/in a happy relationship/best job etc etc, it becomes easier to see what the next step is towards the ultimate goal.
Unfortunately, there is too much to this for me to explain what I have learned, but if you are interested I could send you a message about how I have used LOA to get AMAZING things in my life. But this is not what this note is about. I urge you to research the Law of Attraction. The Secret is a good start, but my suggestion is to YouTube Abraham-Hicks, as this is the teachings that the Secret was based on in the first place. If you have a high speed connection, I BEG YOU to watch these: http://ipb.quicksilverscreen.com/index.php?showtopic=67196
[THANKS SIMON!!!!!]
Or just read the summary here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Law_of_attraction#Overview
Once you grasp this stuff, not only will your life become measurably more blissful, but you can continue to do research on how to get exactly what you want. Fine-tuning is the key, listening to your emotions is like the GPRS system to guide your thoughts, and before you know it, being sad is just not an option.
Now, as a facebook addict, I have come to discover a few ways that the two things can be used together in a very impressive unity. As I have said, don't read this if you don't believe in LOA, but if you do, here are a few things you can do using facebook to feel good, empower your inner vibration and manifest what it is you truly desire.
Emo Status Updates
This is a massive pet-peeve of mine. Everyday I see so-called LOA-believers with the most emo statuses, which just proves that they don't get it. When you write "so-and-so is lonely" or "so-and-so can't believe how I have been treated" etc... do you have ANY idea what you are actually doing??
I read somewhere that just the act of writing/typing thoughts down manifests things 60% faster. I can't imagine how someone could measure a statistic like that accurately, but the point is that it makes a HUGE difference. I can stand as proof of that, as almost anything I have purposefully created comes from this method.
It makes sense too. If you think about something, your thought omits a frequency. This frequency reaches every cell in your body, and (according to LOA) every single bit of energy in the universe, as we are all connected by this way. This sets off a reaction of manifestation. But by writing something down, it has gone from a level of thoughts and frequencies, to an actual physical item. It is no longer just a thought, it is now on a piece of paper or your PC screen, something you can touch and feel. It has passed the phase of a complete frequency and has become a fixed thing in reality, if this makes sense.
Facebook status' can be very dangerous in this way. Not only have you typed your emo thought down, which reaffirms how you are feeling, but now it reaches all your friends. So let’s just say someone types " so-and-so is so depressed". You feel it, you reaffirmed you are feeling kak, and no doubt, you feel worse. Now your friends see this, and they feel kak for you. And they will respond "Why are you feeling depressed?". This has upset their frequency and even worse, is provoking you to delve deeper into your depression. Because now you will respond "I am depressed cos I have no lover/money/blah blah" and this is the WORST thing. Now you are focusing all your resources on your depression, your reasons for depression and the whole vibe fucks out, for you, and your friends.
DON'T DO IT. If you are a sympathy-junkie-attention-seeker, I can see the advantage, sure. But if you are truly feeling bad, and you don't want to feel this way, DO NOT give it any time or energy, and DO NOT tell people about it! Rather, think of a humorous twist on your situation and use that. Or just lie and say " so-and-so is really happy I have such nice friends" or whatever. Because what you focus your energy on is only going to get bigger and dominate your entire life.
My Status Update Secret
Ok, so now you get that by being emo for the world to see, will only snowball into a storm of emoness. But how can we use Status Updates to get what you want? I am sure most of you have worked this out, but I have a little extra method I use to get what I want. Here it is:
Pick something you want
I got lonely during the early summer of 2007. I wanted a lady-friend for all the reasons guys want lady-friends. I was focusing on how lonely I was, until I realized this was counter-productive. So I wrote a nice list in present tense about the girlfriend I didn't have (eg: I love my girlfriend cos she has good taste in music etc) and kept good thought about it. This will work for anything, so I suggest you do it RIGHT NOW. But besides this, I did something else.
Find your mantra
Imagine you already have what you want. Picture the feeling and hold on to it. What would your status update be? It wouldn't be "so-and-so is lonely or depressed" would it? It would be something like "so-and-so is SO FUCKING HAPPY EVERYTHING IS WORKING OUT" wouldn't it? Seriously, if you had what you wanted right now, what would your status be??
Mine was " Jared Woods was only waiting for this moment to arrive" which was a Beatles lyric from BlackBird. I know that if I had my girlfriend, that would be my status update. Besides this, every time I felt lonely, I would sing that song (or John Lennon's Real Love) to myself and it would snap me back to the feeling of love and fulfillment. Seriously. If you had what you wanted. Right now. What would be your Status Update? Find your mantra.
Focus Focus Focus
Once a day (no more, no less) imagine typing your mantra into your status update. Don't obsess over it, just spend 5 minutes a day imagining the feeling of having what you want and typing that uber-amazing update. Feels good, no? Then go on with your life avoiding bad thought.
2 weeks after I wrote my list and picked my mantra, I got a girlfriend, no jokes. One Holly Quayle. Yeah, ok, so it didn't turn into the fairy tale we all want, but I don't regret a second I spent with this girl and I am soooo grateful for what we had. I wouldn't change it for the world, and what is important is that I got to do it. The feeling of satisfaction of when I typed " Jared Woods was only waiting for this moment to arrive" was epic. So whether you want "so-and-so got the car!" or "so-and-so loves my new puppy!" have faith that it IS coming, and when you get it, you will type your status for the world to see.
BUT DON'T FORGET that the most POWERFUL tool for the Law of Attraction is GRATITUDE. Be grateful for what it is you have, and you will get more of it, without fail. Be grateful!! Don't focus on what it was your ex did wrong to you, focus on what it is you liked about your ex, and someone with those characteristics WILL manifest in front of your eyes and you will know it in your gut when it does.
Liar Liar One thing that will work even better, but I don't suggest it, is to lie. If you type "so-and-so is so happy I won the lotto" it will manifest faster, but very soon your friends will call your bluff and you will build a representation as a liar. Rather just write down on a piece of paper how happy you are that you have what you want, for personal use. Don't lie to the world, because when confronted about it, you will only reaffirm that you were lying. Just DON'T, for the love of God, EVER write ANYTHING that states that you DON'T have what you want, or that is all that will happen.
Causes and Groups
This is one that people just don't seem to get. It's sad generally, because while you think you might be doing the right thing, and your intentions are in the right place, you may actually become part of the problem.
For example: If you join a cause that is ANTI-DOG FIGHTING with a blatant picture of a mutilated dog, how do you feel? You feel angry. You feel resentful. You feel like you want to go and kill people. These are NEGATIVE feelings. Sure, it's a good cause, but it gives a feeling of resistance and anti-positivety. Now, let’s say there was a cause called HAPPY HOMES FOR ABUSED DOGS with a picture of a bull-terrier frolicking in a field of flowers. How do you feel? You feel joyous. You feel inspired. You feel like there are good people in the world and you focus on them. This is EXACLTY the same cause, yet one gives a feeling of suffering while the other gives the feeling of well-being.
Also be reminded that the VERY reason why people use horrific pictures in their causes is to stir negative emotions in you. It shocks you into wanting to participate, but that is never a good thing. Looking at a dog with its face torn off might make you want to do something, but you'll want to do it out of pure hatred. This is never good for anyone, it is infact bad for your inner-self and the entire problem.
Another example would be a group I think we are all part of. "Feed a Child with just One Click". This is a great group with a powerful message. The title is great, it's positive, who wouldn't want to feed a child? You feel good. But then there is a picture of a child starving and dying. What good does that do? It guilt trips you. It makes you feel shitty and shocks you into action. This is not the way. I suggest looking at pictures of these children eating. Read stories about kids who have come from poverty to riches. By giving your energy positively, you will manifest great things into the world. By giving your energy negatively, you actually just cause more turmoil within yourself and the universe. There are millions of great happy inspiring stories to read, which never make the news.
So in summary, if you hate Zuma, don't join the ANTI-ZUMA cause, this is still giving power to ZUMA. Instead, focus your energy on the opposition. Don't be ANTI-RAPE, be PRO-SAFETY FOR WOMEN. Don't be ANTI-ESKOM, be PRO-POWER FOR PEOPLE. It is the same cause, except one stirs negativity and the other stirs positivity.
PLEASE BE AWARE OF THIS. If the whole world was ANTI-WAR, it would be a WAR ON WAR, which is just a mess of anger and resentment. If everyone in the world was PRO-PEACE, it is exactly what you want. If you don't like something, don't fight it. Rather find the opposite of it, and support it. This simple change takes no effort and yet will give you a good feeling rather than a bad feeling, and still intends the same outcome.
Relationship Status
As I type this, I am Single. My Relationship Status is set accordingly. The reason is because I want people to know I am single. I am cool with it, I am putting it out there. I see I am single and I go "yeah, opportunity!"
But if you are single and you don't want to be, remove this IMMEDIATELY. If you are lonely, you do not need to be reminded of this every time you look at your page. There is no shame in leaving this blank, a lot of people do it, and if you are sick of it, just remove it.
On the same page, if you and your partner are in a relationship and "it's complicated" you are making it very difficult to ever get out of that rut. Who needs to look at their relationship and everyday reaffirm that it is complicated? Plus, the whole world knows it. Unless you are comfortable with this, speak to your partner and either be in a relationship or don't. This is down to personal preference, but in my experience, nobody in the world likes to be in a complicated situation. Your profile is sacred, it's your space, remove ANYTHING that keeps it from being anything but a celebration of yourself and your awesomeness.
Profile Pic
Remember that your profile picture is your representation. Every time you write on someone’s wall, that is what they will associate with you. So as most of you do, pick your favorite photo. Don't be ashamed to use the one that makes you look good. Even better, choose one that makes people laugh. Spread the joy! And if you have BDD, use a picture that makes you happy. Don't use a photo of something you hate or a negative message like "FUCK THE WORLD". What good does that do? It makes you look like a morbid sad bastard, and that's what people will think of you.
Recently a picture surfaced of me licking a fake penis while dressed in a bunny-suit. My immediate reaction was "oh hell no, I don't want anyone to see that!" And from that I decided that to set it as my profile pic was not only funny, but showed I was ok with it. And I was! It turned an awkward feeling into a feeling of acceptance and humor, and that's the kind of thing we should all do more of. Make a joke of yourself, enjoy laughing at your drunkerdness, and the world will appreciate you for it.
Stalking
Just don't do it. We all know people (generally people we once loved) who you just HAVE to know what they are up to. And low-and-behold, when you look at their page, you feel shit. Recognize who these people are, people you want to know stuff about and then regret it when you do. Fight the urge, do not stalk people who make you feel jealous/lonely/depressed. Let it be.
I suggest scrolling to the bottom of your home page, and clicking on the "Options for Top Stories". Here you can set which friends you want to know more or less about. I have a nice list of people who don't appear on my Mini-Feed. If an ex girlfriend of mine gets into a new relationship, I wont know about it. You may THINK you want to know, but you don't. And if the said person writes on your wall, don't go to their page to reply. Click "Wall-to-Wall" and reply from there. That way you stay out of their business and you don't know what would otherwise ruin your day. Ignorance is Bliss may seem like a stupid option, but you just have to ask yourself: do you want to be happy? Or not?
Notes and Posted Items
As far as emo poetry goes, I am in two minds. Something good has to be said about taking a negative emotion and turning it into something creative and productive. I only have suggestions. If you are going to write emo poetry, try mix a little humor into it, or try give it a good ending. If this is impossible, I do see the value in writing it down and then NEVER reading it again. However, if you like your work and want your friends to read and comment, be prepared to have to relive the experience and most likely manifest more of what you don't want. That said, some of my favorite writers come from places of complete darkness, and so from an artistic point of view, I can't tell you how to do this, just be aware.
But if you are going to write a note about how shit things are, I think a good idea would be to counter it once in a while with a note about stuff you are grateful for. The same goes for posted items. People seem to love to post links to news items about the horrible things about their country or lives. Why do this? I don't even watch the news anymore because we are always bombarded with negativity. Now people say to me "well, it's good to be informed". But how informed are you if you are focusing on the bad? There are so many good things out their, and yet the so-called "informed" only look at one side of the story. If you must post items that interest you of a depressing nature, please balance it out with a good news article once in a while. It won’t hurt to do this, and even more so, the more good news you look for, the more you will find.
Conclusion
There are two main reasons I wrote this note. The first is obviously because I am hoping someone might actually read it and get something from it. They might see a few things they were doing wrong, and change them to enhance their lives for the better. If I could get one person to rethink the use of facebook as a tool to getting what they want in life, I have done something which makes the world a better place.
But the main reason is for myself. When I focus on the Law of Attraction itself, wonderful things start to happen. By following these guidelines, I have taken a social-networking site into a gateway of creation. And even though it took hours to write, I have come out of it more sure than ever. Be aware of your feelings, and your feelings will tell you everything you need to know. Keep good thought and the people around you will respond with an equally inspiring vibe. I know this to be true, and I hope somebody has learned something.
Now go away.
