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Tuesday 15 November 2011

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter (again)


10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter (again)
Those of you who endured the painful experience of reading my last two Twitter blogs (over here and here) are probably sitting there wondering... wtf Jared, another one? YES ANOTHER ONE, SHUT YOUR MOUTH CLOSED. Yeah, ok, I recognize the lack of interest for the last of the series, but there are two main reasons why I felt I had to do it again. The first reason is that I have been on Twitter longer, and have found many more fascinating people who I have learned to love, and I wanted to share this with you. The second (and more sinister) reason is that I realised I am in control of a very powerful curse.

Yes, it’s true. My Twitter Curse. I found out that by making lists of the people I loved most on Twitter, suddenly those people just weren’t loveable anymore. Seriously, almost the instant I gave them props, they fell off the radar and bleaked me out, rendering my last lists useless and without merit. Don’t believe? Believe! Here is the proof for you to analyse and agree with:

Jesus M Christ and Gary J Busey simply aren’t funny anymore. They are predictable and non-frequent.

The Dinner Guest has hardly Tweeted much at all since I posted about him, sporadically giving us long ramblings that span multiple Tweets which wore the novelty off fast.

Cat Bin Lady has only Tweeted 14 times in the last year or so, and while she has found much success all over the web (including a book which just came out), I found her Tweets to be much the same repeated.

We Fail continue to be funny, but are still making Flash sites, which means their days are numbered.

Paul Keely took months and months of time off of Twitter after my blog, thankfully he is back.

Similarly, Bypass Fan Pages lost their main poster and had trouble updating. Luckily, they have replaced them and are back on track. Shew, what a relief!

Shit My Dad Says became a TV show, which ran for 5 months to terrible reviews and then got cancelled.

Every 5th Tweet or so from Best Worst Advice is now a sponsored link, trying to take your hard earned money. Plus they aren’t funny anymore.

Despite posting a new lyric every hour, Bob Dylan Says stopped completely just under 3 weeks after the blog I made.

Undercover (the music news account) dropped off the face of the planet, the account has been replaced by this??

Oh yeah, and Ivy Bean DIED.

So 60% of my past favourites have become shit and it’s all my fault. What a waste of my time. And yet here we go again, we're out of our medicine, out of our minds, and we want in yours, let us in:


10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: Almighty God

10. Almighty God

The Word Of God
26,411 Followers

Starting off with the big bang, this account isn’t verified or anything, but I’m pretty sure this is the real God. It makes sense, what is the easiest way one could be omnipresent these days other than the internet? Yeah, exactly. So God just kind of sits there on his figurative cloud, reposting links and retweeting people who take his name in vain or in any other interesting way. And unlike other such accounts, He doesn’t judge our Tweets, for ours is the kingdom of heaven, and He is pretty good at answering our prayers and questions. And when I die and get evaluated at the Pearly Gates, I’ll be all like “Yo God! I follow you on Twitter!” and I’d get in. Just keeping all bases covered, you dig?

Recent Tweets:
That voice in Herman Cain's head is not me.
I'm constructing a special room in hell for the people who created Internet Explorer's "compatibility mode."
Judas played a key role in my plan to save humanity. His reward: an eternity of torture in hell.
With the grain you feed to cattle, you could end human starvation many times over. Or not!
I just cured someone of cancer. And let someone else die of cancer. That's my prerogative.



10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: Guy Kawasaki

09. Guy Kawasaki

Some Happy Man
433,969 Followers

This account pisses me off in every way. Tweets get spat from this Guy’s ass (who is apparently some kind of an author and worked for Apple or something) which are so well worded, you find yourself clicking the links as if Satan himself had licked your idle hand. But with topics ranging from gadgets to social networking charts to humorous relevant images to fancy napkins and LEGO structures... it’s always a little bit beyond ordinary. That said, 3 out of 4 posts are crap so approach with caution, it’s just that I CAN’T STOP CLICKING EVERY FUCKING LINK. To be honest, I didn’t even want to include this account on the list, but The Devil made me do it. I do whatever he tells me to do. I do whatever Guy Kawasaki tells me to do.

Recent Tweets:
Mint-flavored parking tickets http://is.gd/FYOAO9
A rocking chair for two http://is.gd/uArabM
The rapid rise of Tumblr [infographic] http://is.gd/FK225w
Pillows shaped and screen-printed to look like a weapon set http://is.gd/W02sey
Adorable birthday flipbook [video] http://is.gd/dSOSWa



10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: wowsers

08. wowsers

The Eleventh Owl To Walk On The Moon
9,001 Followers

wowser is a pretty smart guy. He paints pictures and Tweets seemingly weird and funny things, but when you really think about what he's said, it’s generally quite current and socially conscious. It’s like a stream of ponderings about real life problems; the introspective path to happiness; and the Internet - all candy coated in a childlike humour. Kind of like an owl. Yeah, just like an ambitious literate owl.

Recent Tweets:
Allow trees to be sad in peace. Let's not stigmatise them as Low Trees.
An eye for an eye makes us all live in some weird, unsustainable economy where eyes are used as currency.
On last night's GOP debate Mitt Romney turned into a blue lizard. It was a slip-up, but shouldn't cost him the nomination.
I love Mailer Daemon's emails. He's so funny.
It's getting darker earlier? I hadn't noticed because I don't SEE race.



10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: LDN

07. LDN

Your London Guide
96,141 Followers

Let’s face it, if you aren’t living in London, where are you living? Let me guess! Somewhere with crap music hahaha! And like, a shitty Internet connection, right? Hahaha! Oh, and don’t forget the sun! Hahah! I bet you have the sun where you live, don’t you? Hahaha! I bet you like your precious sun hey? Hahaha! :’(
WHATEVER. The point is, if you DO live in London, you really should follow this account because it is updated multiple times a day with places to party, news relating to the tube and overall interesting things about this miserable place we live. In all honesty, I don’t click their links all that much, but it does give me that feeling of “don’t worry guys, we’re in it together” and then I cry and have a wank in my damp concrete room.

Recent Tweets:
Dita Von Teese is set to unveil a pop-up, speakeasy bar in London's Pigalle Club http://LDN.in/Rt1ovH
Brazilian Rodizio all-you-can-eat grill with dessert and cocktail for £15 at Nabrasa http://LDN.in/h4i6gp
Things to do in London on a budget this week http://LDN.in/nRunCn
A black cab gets yarn bombed http://LDN.in/zAFU9R
Pictures from today's student protests http://LDN.in/EqJVnm



10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: First World Pains

06. First World Pains

They're Talking About You
269,541 Followers

While the idea of this account is sometimes bigger than the Tweets themselves, who gives a fuck, it’s the greatest idea ever. The reason why, is that this account brought the best conversational reversal of recent times into a larger consciousness. For example, next time your friend complains that her nails haven’t dried fast enough, or that his car is running out of petrol, just say “#FirstWorldPains”, pop your collar, and then walk away. Because it’s true. These things may hurt us (and they really do), but we’re all eating just fine, so stop complaining already.

Recent Tweets:
I almost had first comment on a YouTube video, but someone beat me! #firstworldpains
I left my phone at home and worried all day about missed calls and texts only to find out no one sent any. #firstworldpains
My iPod froze on my favorite part of the song. #firstworldpains
The girl I like has her facebook pictures set on friends only. #firstworldpains
I ate too much at lunch and now I'm tired #firstworldpains



10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: Wolf Pupy

05. Wolf Puppy

A Baby Wolf Puppy
14,464 Followers

I don’t know who taught this baby wolf how to use a computer, but none of it seems natural. He Tweets things which not only confuse me, but he also makes videos for YouTube and draw pictures on request using MSPaint, I think. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t have opposable thumbs, you use MSPaint. Still, he’s pretty good, and I’m not scared of you wolfpuppy. Intimidated, maybe, but not scared.

Recent Tweets:
WHERE ARE THE BEES FOR MY BEE PETTING ZOO YOU ASK? OH, YOU KNOW, AROUND.. TURNS OUT THEY CAN FLY OVER FENCES. PRETTY NEAT YEP
Hulk Hogan demands only the finest Anime Figurines and Sword Replicas
give a man a fish and he'll kill everyone you love
you can't just point to a bird and call it "bird of the day" isn't there some sort of criteria or selection process
gotta get me that paper and flip it to the funnies. that nigga garfield is hilarious



10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: Sickipediabot

04. Sickipediabot

Offensive Jokes
191,588 Followers

Sickipedia.org is a website which utilizes a little penis as its favicon - that’s how you know it’s serious. But for those of you who don’t know how serious, you can go to the website or listen to my summary right now: it’s a user-driven list of “sick jokes”, which like minded sick people around the web can rate as Sick or Sucks. I used to really enjoy this practice, except now I get the jokes delivered straight into my Twitter feed, so y'know, success. I don’t know if this account is official (they don’t even have a profile pic?) or if it’s really a bot (I have seen some suspiciously human like tweets complaining about plagiarism) but who cares? I lol, and lolling is the point of the Internet. Period.

Recent Tweets:
I bought a rape whistle and it has come in handy..really helps to mask the screams.
Every time I go on holiday, my wife ends up pregnant. I'm taking her with me next time.
I almost ruined my first job interview by laughing at the man's wheelchair. But I managed to keep my composure and went on to hire him.
Is it normal when your left ball hangs lower than your middle one?
I've swapped the 'No Smoking' sign outside of my pub to a 'No Fags' sign. It works as a double deterrent.
I watch pom. You misread that, didn't you.



10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: OMG Life Hacks

03. OMG Life Hacks

Make Your Life Easier
95,502 Followers

This account pretty much sums up what’s awesome about the Internet. While people could (and have) argued that Twitter is a stream of useless updates, rotting your brain like a series of adverts (Ok, I made that last bit up, but it sounds like something people might say, right?) this is the place to prove them wrong. Updated often with rad ways to improve and streamline your very existence in practical and easy-to-use ways, just go the page right now and read the first 10 Tweets. Your days will be instantly better. You’re welcome.

Recent Tweets:
Try applying your deodorant at night instead of the morning! It'll be more effective and you'll sweat less the next day. #lifehacks
To stop an impending yawn, touch your tongue. #lifehacks
Want to send an extra-long text (on a non-smartphone)? Send a picture message with no picture - they hold up to 1000 characters! #lifehacks
Need just a *little* more power from some dead batteries? Put A where B is, & B where A is, & you get another few minutes of use. #lifehacks
Never accidentally send an unfinished email again! Don't fill in the "to:" field until you're ready to send it. #lifehacks



10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: Pathetic Paul

02. Pathetic Paul

THAT guy.
19,626 Followers

There is a little bit of Pathetic Paul in all of us. And if you combined the patheticness in all of us together, it would be Pathetic Paul. But no matter how ridiculous the scenarios that come from this account are, they are all laced with that vibe you can relate to. “OMG, I’ve been there Paul. I’VE BEEN THERE!” you might find yourself saying. And yet no matter how sympathetic your heart feels towards the guy, you know you would have spat on him in High School. I spat on many Pauls in my time. I’m not a very nice person.

Recent Tweets:
Get hit on by girl... Realize it 2 years later.
Politely say no when friend offers food... Regret it for the next hour.
Pretend everyone is naked while giving a speech... Got a boner.
Sit next to people talking in a foreign language... Oh god, they're talking about me.
Girl thinks my leg is the table leg and rests her feet on it... Remain absolutely still for 5 minutes.



10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: Chris Simpsons Artist

01. Chris SimpsonsArtist

My Favourite Account On Twitter
9,622 Followers

I have this weird hazy memory that a couple of years back, I had sex with a really nice lady and she got pregnant by mistake. It was scary, but we decided to keep the baby and every night when I got home from work, I bounced this child on my knee and spoke gibberish to him. But as much as I cared for this kid, my relationship with the woman became a bit turbulent, and after a few months she left me to go overseas somewhere, taking my baby with her. I didn’t miss the girl much, but what hurt the most was that I had no access to my love-child except for the ocassional letter or photograph emailed to me. I don’t really know how else to explain it, but each word I recieved detailing my son’s life filled me with adoration and love - a massive pride I can't properly describe without using hand gestures. But it also broke my heart, as I knew I was missing all the good things, or perhaps even that this entire story was made up in the first place. Basically what I'm trying to say is, if you are reading this Chris SimpsonsArtist, I think I might be your father. Did I mentioned he draws really well too? Yeah, he does.

Recent Tweets:
i am sat next to a man with one arm on the bus and it is a bit rubbish but i have more room so it is better than man with normal arms xox
i am home now and i fell asleep in a troly at tescos but i am fine because a old man woke me up by putting a french stick on my face xox
if it isnt broke then dont fix it but if it is broke just put a bit of sellotape on it and it will be fine trust me xox
oh my god it is lady gaga on my television i am having a panic attack xox
there is always a worried teenager on xfactor xox
baby moles are a fragile gift xox
i cant stop thinking about what i would look like if i had no lips xox



And here are 10 more very good accounts for your grubby fingers:
Html5 Douche
Cranky Kaplan
Old Funny Joker
English 50cent
Sick Jokes
Old Man Search
Ulillillysses
Average Batman
NBA Jam Announcer
The Funpowder Plot


CONCLUSION
At the end of the day, the only person you should follow on Twitter is me. I AM THE CHOSEN ONE. God I hate writing conclusions, I don't feel I'm particularly good at them.


Wednesday 26 October 2011

I Got Out Of Jail Free


With Juice Nothing You Will Never Go To Jail
When it comes to doing anything in life whatsoever, I find it is good practice to set yourself goals and deadlines, and then stick to them. This not only ensures that you keep up a constant production of creativity and content, but that you also panic over things which nobody ever reads or pays you for. I think this might only be my experience tho. Take the Juice Nothing blog for example: it is my goal each year to write at least one post a month, 12 per year. The reason for this is that a month is a fair amount of time to research and focus on something substantial, and then rush it in the last week, giving you guys some reading material which has a fuckload of potential without ever reaching it. But at least it’s somewhat regular, right?

Now some (none) of you may have noticed that the last month of September, there was nothing new posted here. I didn’t update, and yet I feel absolutely no guilt for my absence. How is this possible? I’ll tell you how. It’s because I used my Get Out Of Jail Free Card, which I grant myself once a year. There are two reasons why I allow this release for myself, which are: (1) I have to recognize that sometimes I just can’t quite make the space in my life to dedicate enough time to put out something worthwhile, and would rather not stress or release something that I am not comfortable with. And (2) Since last year I decided on the tradition of writing 2 pieces every December, those being my Top 50 Albums Of The Year, and a separate blog looking back at the whole year in general. These two, plus the other 11 months, minus my Get Out Of Jail Free Month, still equals 12 pieces, averaging one a month. September was my Get Out Of Jail Free month.

For those of you who care (none), my reasons were many. First of all, I am leaving the house which served as my beautiful home for the last 2 years, The East Village. While I could shed a tear over the mass debate in my head of whether this is a good idea or bad idea, one thing I can say with surety is that my stay here has become repetitive. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE everyone here, but I felt the same spaces and faces were turning my brain into a stale cracker and my creativity and personal well being was suffering. Plus I was sick of being woken up to parties underneath my paper-thin floor on week nights, these fuckers are rockstars man. Did I mention we were at war with our neighbours? Regardless, this move will not effect the Funpowder Plot in any way (I hope) as Ash left a few weeks ago and Kris is on his way out too. More on The Plot later.

Besides the weight of trying to find a new place (which I managed to do, and by “I”, I mean my Girlfriend, we are moving in together on Halloween, wish us luck), I was also foolish enough to take on some freelance work. The money was good, but this sucked my free time like a dirty blow-job from an over-enthusiastic hooker. Besides my work-work, all computer time had to be put into this, no focus went onto much else at all. Thankfully, this is almost done, but won’t be launched for a while due to content still being put together, but it is a rad design, rad concept and quite an intense build which me and Kris worked on together. More on that at some point I suppose, it’s an interesting thing, not your usual corporate soul stealing bullshit.

Onward: I am back on the regular broadcasting, do not panic, everything should continue as normal. And all of this is not to say I haven’t done anything at all, which I want to bring your attention to now:


JUICE NOTHING

At the end of September, I had actually finished writing the short story I just launched called The Poster Couple For Cross-Species Relationships. Hell, the majority of it had been finished around December 2008, but I only just recently found it and decided it was good enough to finish off for everyone else.

But there were HUGE sections missing, rushed holes in the plot which I struggled so hard to fill in. I wrote and I wrote and I edited and I edited, turning paragraphs into pages and then back into paragraphs, but nothing was working. I was so close to just launching the bloated piece of crap as it was, essentially 3 short stories shoved into one, but my ethics got the better of me and I just couldn’t do it. So instead I spent My Get Out Of Jail Free Month refining it into what you read now, probably 6 or 7 drafts later.


SPOILER ALERT!
PLEASE DON’T READ THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH UNTIL YOU’VE READ THE STORY!

And despite all of this, it’s probably the worst of the three Goat’s Nest stories I’ve launched so far. That said, it is important in the bigger scheme of things, as this is the deepest I’ve dared to go into The Goat’s Nest thus far for you guys. I know it’s a bit long and lots of things said might not make sense right now, but after a few more stories are launched, the picture will develop clearer - I promise. I also just want to add that for about 34 months, Bristle got shot in the end, which I only changed last week. I felt better with the decision, and I hope you do to.
SPOILER ENDS HERE!

Look, I know no one reads my short stories except my girlfriend (and she loves them, really!) but I don’t mind because I know one day people will. I can’t stop writing them, this is bigger than me in more ways than you know. This is proven by the fact that I already have the idea for the next one, and man, it’s going to be Something with a capital Yes.

Anyway, so there will be one more article blog until December which I have already started, followed swiftly by the usual end of the year routine. I don’t know why I am doing this anyway, all of this is stupid because only one thing really matters to me at all, which is


COMING DOWN HAPPY

This is dangerously close to the finish line now now. DANGEROUSLY. It’s a very dangerous thing, and this is not a joke. I even entered studio a while ago and recorded half the vocals and have the next date booked, I think. The thing is, last time we “spoke” I said I would be launching in November, which just didn’t come into alignment.  I’m sorry. Further more, due to holidays and stuff, I don’t feel comfortable with launching this in December or January, so we are looking at a February release date AT LATEST, I PROMISE. Maybe even earlier if I get lucky, but I will announce it as soon as I am sure, so please keep an eye out on my Twitter for more details.

Anyway, to give you some idea of how much progress I have made in the last two months, I would like to reflect on where we came from:
In June 2011 I announced that I was 17.5% done of the final stretch.
In July 2011 I announced that I was 24.6% done of the final stretch.
In August 2011 I announced that I was 29% done of the final stretch.
Now, in October 2011 I am stoked to announce that I am 57.6% done of the final stretch. And the majority of it is downhill from here, I hope.

As I said earlier, I only want to focus on this, it is the only thing that actually matters to me in the world really. I would even stop Juice Nothing for this project (and I was close), but after heavy contemplation I decided that this wouldn’t help at all. It is in my best interest to keep my motors running from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep, because that kind of momentum bursts through walls.


ALBUM CHARTS

Over the last few news items, I have complained and whined about how much I loathed this massive project I have taken on. But in the last month, I have started to really get on top of it and enjoy it again. I have re-evaluated and re-ordered every month up until August, which I literally finished the same second I posted this. And as the year draws closer to the end, I feel I have a massive grasp on what albums top 2011 and am expecting a really really solid Top 50 Albums blog at the end of the year. SO BE EXCITED FOR THAT KIDS YES PLS.


THE FUNPOWDER PLOT

For the first time since June, I can happily announce that we have done some work! The sequel for Nitrous Of The Living Dead has been 100% filmed and is in post as we speak (watch the original here). My input was minimal as just the actor, but I can say Ammr busted the coolest script ever and it should be miles above the last one. I am so excited for this to come out, acting is so much fun, one of my favourite things to do. I am hoping this will be done by the end of November, but no promises, it’s down to Ammr and Ash mostly now really.


Besides all of this, all I can really tell you is that there is an idea much like a choose-you-own-adventure story making serious chaos in my brain right now, which means it will definitely be on the working-table soon. Gonna be radness to the power of radness squared, and part of something quite large eventually.

And as always, if you seriously don’t already (??), follow me on Twitter! It is the only way to be sure you miss nothing including me talking about SEX and MURDER all-the-fucking-time. I have a feeling the rest of this year is going to be interesting.

I am so sick of partying. I only want to work.
But I love you dearly, dear.
Jared Woods
xxx

Tuesday 25 October 2011

The Poster Couple For Cross-Species Relationships


I HAVE COMPLETELY SOLD OUT



So sorry to do this, but the short story you are looking for has been removed! How shit is that?

Do not fear! If you want to read it, you still can! Simply download my book This Is Your Brain On Drugs (featuring many other very delicious bits I wrote) from good old Amazon Kindle!

GO ON, IT'S SUPER CHEAP, YOU'LL LOVE IT.




Tuesday 30 August 2011

Not Dead But Definitely Dying


Hi, I’m Jared Woods, and this is the news: I am dying. My right ear is completely blocked and I am in so much pain I didn't even go to work today. So forgive me if halfway through this I attempt to stab you.

JUICE NOTHING
I just launched a blog called “How To Fuck Boys And Not Be Gay” Man, I wrestled with this one in my mind. Ever since Google+ I now have a much larger audience of people following my updates, the most worrying being people from work. One can very easily build a reputation writing about such things, and I have a lot of friends who probably won’t be my friend long after they read this. But in the end I thought, fukkit, I find it funny, and I know everyone wants to fuck me anyway. Time will only tell if it was a good idea or a bad idea, but I definitely got that “oh no, what am I doing?” feeling. Hopefully you get that feeling too.
I still have other blogs half written, slowly working on them, so hopefully I will actually finish them by the end of the year. Pretty sure the next one will be a short story.

COMING DOWN HAPPY
While on the topic of good/bad ideas and that uncomfortable feeling, the same is happening for Juice 6: Coming Down Happy. As I have kind of hinted in the last months, this is far from just a music project, and there is one specific element which freaks me out as the time is getting closer. I don’t want to give too much away, but there is definitely going to be some major trouble in my life because of this Juice. Can’t wait.
So, as it stands, I am 29% of the final stretch. It should move on much faster from here because (1) The studio time is being negotiated and I might even have most of it done by the next update; and (2) I have taken a week off work next week to devote to this project. The website is coming along too, all Drupal 7 and fancy and looking rad.
The release date I have now set is the 10th of November. I really hope this to be true. I have lost interest in everything but this project.

ALBUM CHARTS
As I think I have mentioned before, I loathe this. But slowly I am working smarter rather than harder, and am only aiming to get 31 albums or so per month. I feel the best ones will reveal themselves. I have also been slaving over March, and if you take a look, you will see it’s nearly 100%.

THE FUNPOWDER PLOT
Nothing! Sad, I know, pathetic even, but getting 6 busy people into the same room is pretty hard. I think the main issue is that The East Village are breaking up. We are all moving house because of many reasons, which I think could be a good thing rather than a bad thing. Time will tell, but I am amped to shake my life up a bit, it has become monotonous, I have become depressed, and I am the master of the universe.

That’s enough out of me. SHUT UP JARED. SHUT UP. Ok, ok, goodbye then.

How To Fuck Boys And Not Be Gay

Note: This blog is aimed at straight males, not girls or gay men, smartass.
Also, some of this article may come across as homophobic. Believe me, it’s all in the name of comedy, and if you are boy who loves da cock, I’m sure you can tell that offending you was never my intention. Otherwise, just email me and tell me about your feelings.


There Are Ways To Fuck Boys And Not Be Gay
I think it’s fair to start by saying that I’ve never fucked a boy before. Hell, I’ve never even touched a penis that wasn’t mine before. And besides my Doctor and I’m sure my parents (when I was younger, not in a sexual way, I hope) there is only one man that has experienced the joy of touching my magnificent cock. His name was Mike, and immediately after he placed his index finger and thumb onto my pee-hole, he shoved a needle right through the middle, giving me my Prince Albert piercing. This I wore with pride for 5 years or so until my then girlfriend told me it hurt her bum. So I took it out.

What I’m getting at is this - I’m not gay. Not because I am opposed to the idea mind you, but because I haven’t found the right boy yet, you dig? Ha, no seriously, I’m not gay. However, I have come up with the following 10 rules which would allow any man to experience a little homosexuality without jeopardising his heterosexuality. But if at any time this article makes you feel uncomfortable, you might want to ask yourself... what part of your sexuality makes you feel this way? Hey, faggot? Here are the rules:

Rule#1: First Time’s Free
There are people out there (as in here) who are experimental by nature. They want to try everything at least once because they recognize that life is short and its very essence lies in experiences. This, more often than not, includes many weird and wonderful sexual acts, which could very well involve messing around with your same gender just a little. Look, if you’re sucking cock and getting rammed every weekend and trying to maintain that you love vag, then you are lying to yourself buddy. But if you've always wondered why you feel a strange spark from the guy behind the counter at McDonalds, I reckon you might as well give it a shot. I mean, it’s not gay, it’s experimental, and just another dark secret for your book of dark secrets.

Rule#2: What Happened Last Night?
If one night you find yourself on the dance-floor of some squat party; you’ve drank so much alcohol that you’ve already pissed yourself; you’ve swallowed more pills than you can remember; that gram of cocaine mysteriously disappeared into your face; and then suddenly you find yourself connecting on a deeper level with some stranger of the same sex... well, you wouldn’t be the first one. And if you end up going back to their place and partaking in some naughty adult scenarios, I wouldn’t over-think it too much. You’re not gay, you’re just totally mashed, and I think this is probably one of the most common forms of hetero-slips-homo. And in all honesty, the confusion and guilt you feel the next day will be enough torture - you don’t need to start questioning your sexuality on top of that.

Rule#3: Take One For The Team
I’m not afraid to say that I’ve kissed boys before, WHAT OF IT? If you knew me you would assume this to be the case anyway, among many other worse things which aren’t true, but I’ll pretend are true just to sound cool. However, none of these acts have been homosexual, and that is because of two specific rules on this list. The first of these two rules is this one: girls love it. Look, if I’m in a room with two girls (or more) and another guy, and shit starts to get freaky, I have no worries and I am open to whatever. All the porn I watch is that way anyway, one big mash-up of people of all genders, races, ages and disabilities. Who’s leg is that? Is that her arm? Which hole is that one? Is that even legal? I love that crazy shit man. The point is, it’s not gay, it’s a fucking party, and if some girl is getting pleasure out of it somehow, I'm all for it. Everything I do, I do it for the pussy anyway.

Rule#4: The Show Must Go On
The second of these two rules I previously mentioned is this one: any sexual act between two guys isn’t homo if it is done in front of people. Consider this: pretty much the gayest thing you can do in THE WORLD is to fuck boys in private and keep quiet about it, do you not agree? But if you fuck a boy in front of a load of people, it’s not gay, it’s a performance. And I would recommend this too, because it will FREAK YOUR FRIENDS THE FUCK OUT. However, if you feel this is too much, you can just film it. You are not gay, you are an actor! Bitches love actors.

Having Sex With This Guy Would Not Be Gay
Rule#5: Cross Wires
I imagine the general gay man to be attracted to stuff like stubble, a larger frame, a deep voice, a giant cock... you know, a man. However, if you suddenly find yourself balls deep into a pretty boy who by all means looks like a girl, do not fear! This proves you are even more straight than most men, because (a) you love the look of girls, and (b) you don’t fear penis. Because the fear of penis is directly related to homophobia is directly related to the homosexuality. You’re not gay, you were just a bit confused. The same goes for trannies, because chicks with dicks are still chicks... kinda. To a lesser degree, you could also argue that it’s not gay to fuck a really really hot guy, for example: me. Wanting to fuck me would not be gay, it would be understandable.
Rule#6: Star Above Your Bed
Almost in the same vein, it is definitely not gay if you fuck a celebrity. Personally, I would probably fuck Brian Molko. Or Topher Grace. Or River Phoenix, if he was still alive. Leonardo DiCaprio back in the day. Marilyn Manon just for lols. Johnny Depp, Justin Pearson, Michael Cera, David Bowie, Orlando Bloom, Anthony Kiedis, Zac Efron, Brandon Boyd, Russel Brand, Gerard Way, Paul McCartney... wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, boys. But I’d also fuck Jack Black, Boy George, or Rowan Atkinson... basically any celebrity. Why? It’s about the STORY people. You could even make money off that shit! Even the most homophobic of fucks would have to agree this is quite an achievement, because how the hell do you even manage something like this? Anybody? Please tell me, I need to know. I’m not gay, I just appreciate talent. And I’d be an idiot not to wrangle myself into a rich and famous person’s life, whatever the cost.

Rule#7: Send, Don’t Bend
What’s the difference between putting your willy inside of a girl’s ass or a guy’s ass? A little bit of hair? A lot of hair? Regardless, it is essentially exactly the same thing. Its primary function is to expel poo and it feels warm inside. I would even say that the same goes for blow-jobs. Basically, put your cock into anything that will have it, and the only thing that should stop you is if it’s illegal, unsafe or isn’t going to feel very nice. You are definitely not gay, you just like to ejaculate inside things, and that’s perfectly natural. On the other hand, if you are hiding penises in your bum-bum, or brushing your teeth with cocks daily, you are committing a homosexual act, and homosexual acts are gay.

Rule#8: Gay For Pay
This one ties in with #3 a little bit. There are many porn actors who participate in homosexual videos because it pays better, and then they get better girlfriends cos they buy them shit. This goes for everyone: if someone is paying you to do something sexual, as degrading as it may feel, you are not gay, you just like money. How is money gay? Especially when it’s just for half an hour of your time. And believe me when I say this: EVERYONE has their price.
But on the ugly side of this point (and it’s not very nice), is when the pay is your life. If there is a gun to your head, and you are forced to do some shit you aren’t too keen on, you’re not gay, you were raped. I know this paragraph wasn’t funny (and by God I hope this is never the case for you) but at the end of the day this is another way homosexual sex has taken place without affecting sexuality. And besides, it’s no worries anyway bro, at least you’re straight right? lol.

Rule#9: Sex And Violence
Some of you may disagree about this one, but I reckon that if you fuck a boy, it would justify the homo in you by beating the shit out of the person after ejaculation. This would work especially well if, while smashing the teeth out of their face with your fist, you call them derogatory terms like “Faggot” or “Pansy”, and then spit on them while they look up at you with bloody eyes. And if they whimper “but why?” just tell them that you’re not gay, you’re a macho heterosexual who just fucks boys on occasion mainly to hurt them, and he should just shut-up and get used to it. Actually wait, scrap this one.

Rule#10: Just Do It, You’re Not Gay
Basically, if you need an excuse to fuck a guy, you’re doing it all wrong. Fucking a guy doesn’t make you gay despite what your friends might think. Put it to you this way: if a gay guy fucks a girl (and almost every gay guy I know has done this) does that make him straight? How many girls do you know that have made out with other girls (and more)? Does that make them lesbo? Bisexual? No dude, sexuality is a much more complex thing, defined by a lot more than just actions. If you want to fuck a dude, just get it out your system, you’re not gay.

Conclusion
The truth is, as a white straight young male adult, I feel pretty excluded in life. There is nothing special about me, nothing in my life has ever been a minority. If you’re a black lesbian granny, you are so fucking awesome because you have basically stuck your finger up to life, and the history of your traits has risen from so much oppression that you win at everything and can be seriously proud of yourself. Part of me wishes I was gay, I would be so stoked, I would wear ladies underwear and go to the girl’s bathroom. I’d dress in pink and wear my make-up better than my girlfriends. Being gay is so hot right now. But instead, I am doomed to a life of boob-slavery, because boobs always win. I guess what I am getting at, (and if you remember nothing else from this article, remember this) my girlfriend is and forever will be hotter than yours. Now suck my balls.


Wednesday 27 July 2011

My Mouth


Jared Woods And His Juice Nothing Mouth
I am totally rushing this, because I wasn’t supposed to be here today. I had prior arrangements.

JUICE NOTHING
In fact, I was planning to only write my next blog at the end of August, taking a month off writing to focus on bigger things. I have been slaving away over a short story and another much bigger blog, but due to my little sister visiting my London home all the way from South Africa, I much preferred indulging in other things. Like Love Box Festival. And Thorpe Park. And drinking. Oh how we have laughed and gaily skipped around the London sun which looks a lot like rain.

And then Amy Winehouse died. I won’t go into too much detail here about what this did to me, because I have covered it extensively in my latest blog The 27 Club, but I will say with all modesty that it is one of the best bits I have written this year. And if you don’t read it, I literally BEG you to at least read the conclusion, as that is what I feel is important in a time like this. I also want to point out the beauty of symbolism, as this blog came together on this day, the 27th of July.

Other than that, I noticed how out of date The Future section was. So I rewrote most of it, more accurately stating where I am at and where I am going. One thing I want to quickly talk about is a thing called LU**U*******U*D which I remember talking about at great length near the beginning of 2010, and now it is never going to happen. So I will reveal for the first time here, the uncensored name is: LUNDUNDERGROUND. My plan was to make little comical like collages which presented themselves as a puzzle, each one representing a different tube station. I wanted to sell them to The London Paper, but that died and so did the idea. I didn’t get very far anyway, and only ever half-finished one. See if you can guess the tube station:

Guess The Tube

Give up? Highlight the text below to read what it is:
(Shepard's Bush, duh)

Anyways, most effort lately has been devoted to


COMING DOWN HAPPY
A lot of time has been spent working on this, and yet I am only roughly 24.6% done of the final stretch. It’s such a big project, killing me softly with its songs, but I have been previewing it to some people. Each one have let me fuck them afterwards, so I take that as a very good sign. Maybe next time I will tell you more secret stuff.


THE FUNPOWDER PLOT
Nothing to report here, but literally as I type this a meeting is taking place, so I will deffo have some news for next time, if not, a full video. A big one. A good one.


ALBUM CHARTS
Despite taking a week off this side of J0 this month, July has stacked up and is pretty much up to date. The top ones are brilliant and relatively unknown, so do yourself a favour.

I have also been fine combing February, which is pretty damn near perfect right now, and should be 100% complete in a few days.

I must say, as time has gone on, I have grown to hate this shit. It is putting so much stress into my life that it makes me depressed when I think about it. People close to me are telling me to stop doing it, but I feel I must see it through. It does suck to have that feeling tho, and as a result, I might start taking things a bit slower, if you don’t mind. I mean, just look at it. No one should be listening to that much music. No one.


FORMSPRING
I am taking an indefinite hiatus from Formspring. If you have questions waiting, I am sorry, but as Coming Down Happy became my priority, I knew I had to cut some stuff out, and this was the first to go. I will probably get back on it sometime, but don’t hold your breathe.


And that’s all. Sorry for the rushed nature this was done, but follow me on Twitter and you will get a little bit of Jared everyday. That’s me. I’m Jared.

Jared.


The 27 Club


The 27 Club by Jared Woods
My obsession with The 27 Club began in the mid-90’s with the sudden passing of Kurt Cobain, who had recently and swiftly become my main inspiration for all of my existence. I wanted to grow my hair long, stop showering, and inject heroin into my cock - much like any pre-teenager of that era. Even more than that, it became my goal in life to get famous and die at 27, which at the age of 11, seemed achievable enough. Now, as a 26 year old a few months shy of the age in question, it does seem a little less smart and a lot more complicated. Mainly (or rather, exclusively) because I am not yet famous. But who knows, right? There is still time, and it is a fantastic way to go.

Last Saturday, the first properly recognizable figure in 17 years had joined the ranks among these legends. A group of exclusive individuals, in which the membership fee only entailed three things: (1) You had to create music; (2) A fair amount of people had to be aware of your music; and (3) You had to die at the age of 27. Many musicians have “achieved” this feat (the list actually much longer than most people realise), but there are definitely a select few who are consistently referred to when The Club comes up in conversation. And this new member could very well be one of the right calibre. In case you are struggling, I am talking, of course, about the smooth and sultry voice of one Amy Winehouse, who was announced dead less than a week ago. As one would expect, every single Trending Topic on Twitter was somehow related to the news. It seemed everyone on the Internet had something or other to say about it, as if anyone actually valued their opinion unless they had a verified account. That said, my own opinions are coming soon enough.

But for now, this whole media frenzy has resulted in a somewhat new global awareness of The 27 Club, and in turn, has inspired me to finally finish a piece that I started years ago. This very piece. I wasn’t even planning to write a blog this month at all to be honest. I had nothing to say and I had far too much work to do. But this event shot thoughts all over my brain and heart, and I felt I needed to pay homage to those talented souls who influenced us through their art, and left us alone before they were completely done.

So these are The Big Ones, and Amy, this is for you.


Brian Jones Died By Drowning

BRIAN JONES

28 February 1942 – 3 July 1969

It is somewhat fitting that our story begins with a founding member of one of the biggest rock ‘n roll bands ever to exist, none other than Brian Jones from The Rolling Stones. Brian was a very fancy guy with his multi-instrumental wizardy, and contributed a lot to The Stones’ early recording career, including: the guitar, harmonica, sitar, marimba, keyboards, trumpets, mellotron, xylophone and banjo - to mention a few.

But while this band as a whole were famous for their raw and unique sound, they were just as well-known for their wild partying and problems with the law. This was not uncommon for musicians of the hippie era, but it was always their guitarist Keith Richards who was the prime candidate for complete self-destruction. And yet while Richards is still alive and kicking, it was Brian who took the punches the worst. His passion for all things alcohol, pot, pills, meth and LSD put him in hospital more than once, in jail once, and a hefty load of other serious drug-related law trouble on top of that. As it turns out, none of these things are very good for a person’s well-being, and Brian became introverted and anti-social. His behaviour was erratic and he was known to have terrible mood swings, which put a tense amount of strain on his relationship with the band. The world watched in pain as this once key songwriter had become almost incapable of doing anything - even his gums would bleed when he played harmonica. My favourite quote from this era was when The Rolling Stones were cutting their track You Can’t Always Get What You Want. While the members were finding their place in the song, Jones asked Mick Jagger “What can I play?”, to which Jagger responded "I don't know, Brian, what can you play?"

Due to his legal issues and his disintegrating mental and physical health, Brian was unable to go on tour, and the band felt they had no choice but to kick him out of the band on the 8th of June 1969.

Under a month later (midnight on the 2nd/3rd of July) Brian was found motionless at the bottom of his swimming pool. Despite Anna Wohlin (his then girlfriend) attempting to resuscitate him, he was pronounced dead on arrival; the official cause as "death by misadventure" as his liver very swollen due to years of abuse. His girlfriend was quick to say that this was not the case, claiming a builder who was renovating the house had killed Brian. Some have even stated that the builder (Frank Thorogood) confessed to the murder on his deathbed, and many other anonymous eye-witnesses apparently exist yet never came forward. There was also a load of expensive items missing from the house, but none of this was ever really proven.

Two days later, The Stones played a free concert dedicated to him. Pete Townshend wrote a poem about him, as did Jim Morrison. Jimi Hendrix dedicated a song to him and reportedly Bob Dylan paid for his coffin. He was 27 years old, and at the time, this meant nothing more than yet another rockstar dying far too young. Little did anyone know, Brian was just the first domino to fall.


Jimi Hendrix Choked On His own Vomit

JIMI HENDRIX

November 27, 1942 – September 18, 1970

One year later, it happened again. This time it was the “best guitarist that ever existed”, a title Jimi has been given more times than anybody else in history. And for good reason, as Jimi blasted onto the psychedelic scene just in time, shoving insane riffs of feedback and wah-wah into heads filled with acid, setting the world and his guitar on fire wherever he went. His complex and innovative studio trickery was only second to his live shows, one of the most notable being at Woodstock ‘69, where it is often stated very matter-of-factly that he stole the entire legendary show. His name has been honoured in some of the biggest respects in the industry, namely: induction into the US Rock and Roll Hall of Fame; induction into the UK Music Hall of Fame; a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame; induction of his album Are You Experienced into the United States National Recording Registry; and being named the number 1 best guitarist of all-time according to Rolling Stone magazine (and many other publications and myself and everyone else.)

But of course, Hendrix had a dark side. He was widely known as an avid LSD user, but he also loved the weed, and had been known to do amphetamines on tour. But alcohol was his real evil, becoming a very angry drunk at the best of times. One girlfriend named Kathy Etchingham claimed that Jimi had beaten her with a phone receiver because he thought she was talking to an ex-boyfriend. Another girlfriend named Carmen Borrero claimed she needed stitches after Jimi hit her with a bottle. I am sure there are other girlfriend stories like this, because Jimi had many, many girlfriends. He had also been arrested a few times, once for wrecking a hotel room under the influence, another when customs found some hash and heroin in his luggage. In his defense, Jimi claimed that he had no idea how it got there and a fan must have slipped it into his suitcase. He was acquitted because this was surely what happened. Surely.

And then one night, boom, niggah dead. The facts have never been entirely clear as to what happened that night, except that poor Jimi suffocated on his own vomit whilst sleeping. Beyond that, it’s purply hazy at best. John Bannister (the surgeon who attended to him) stated that it was red wine Jimi’s throat had regurgitated, but Bannister was already being investigated for another case of malpractice, and he eventually lost his licence in 1992 for fraud. The coroner report contradicts this finding too, claiming that very little alcohol was in Jimi’s system at the time, and none of it could be found in his vomit. For this reason, a more agreed upon story was the one from his then girlfriend Monika Dannemann, who claimed Jimi had taken nine of her prescribed Vesparax sleeping pills unaware of their strength. However, she also claimed that when she found him, he was still breathing, and that she rode with him in the ambulance. The ambulance crew disagrees with this statement, saying that she wasn’t even present when they entered his flat. In fact, Monkia’s story changed so drastically from interview to interview, that it is very difficult to take anything she said seriously whatsoever. Her word has been even further question when, after being found guilty of continuously defaming the character of another one of Jimi’s ex-girlfriends, she committed suicide.

These kinds of circumstances can only spur rumours, and one such rumour was that some lyrics found next to Jimi’s body were in the form of a suicide note. Another even worse rumour was sparked by former Animals roadie James Wright, who wrote a book claiming that Hendrix's manager, Mike Jeffery, confessed to him about murdering Hendrix over a contract issue. While some considered this to be plausible, majority have brushed it off as a publicity stunt to sell the book, and it doesn’t really matter in the end. The world had lost a God.


Janis Joplin Died From A Heroin Overdose

JANIS JOPLIN

January 19, 1943 – October 4, 1970

The very following month, we have the Queen of Rock ‘n Roll and Psychedelic Soul, Ms. Janis Joplin. I didn’t even make those titles up, they are pretty much official, a point strengthened when Rolling Stone magazine ranked Joplin number 46 of the 100 Greatest Artists of All Time, not to mention number 28 of the 100 Greatest Singers of All Time. All this from someone who only released one real solo album in her short lifetime.

But Janis loved her substances as much as any good rockstar should. By the time she had gone solo, she was already injecting about $200 worth of heroin a day. When she was asked to perform at Woodstock ‘69, she got so nervous that she shot the smack, and played so badly that her show was never even included on the documentary or the soundtrack. This was not the only show like this. Besides the junk, Janis had also developed a taste for speed and a huge adoration for what became her signature drink: Southern Comfort. A lot of it.

Three days before her death, Janis recorded one of her best known tracks Mercedes Bends, along with a birthday greeting to John Lennon (which he hauntingly only received after her death). The former track was for her up-and-coming album Pearl, which she was very excited about, and scheduled a return to the studio the following Sunday to record some more of her distinct vocals. When the usually punctual Janis didn’t turn up for the session, producer Paul A. Rothchild grew concerned and went over to her place to check on her. It was there that her body was discovered, dead on the floor next to her bed. She had overdosed on heroin.

Unlike her fellow 27 Club Members, there is very little conspiracy surrounding her passing. However, it's well known that Janis was a very lonely girl, once stating that “On stage I make love to twenty five thousand people; and then I go home alone.” This weekend had been especially emotional for her as she found out that her coke-dealer boyfriend had been entertaining some ladies at her house that he had just met, which upset her even more because he had broken a promise to spend the previous night with her. One of her best friends Peggy Caserta regrettably admitted that she too had blown off Janis the same night before. These two friends abandoning her coupled with her drug dealer giving her a much higher quality gear than usual (a few of his other clients had overdosed that week) was probably the reason why she put just a little bit too much into her veins that time. Peggy Caserta blamed the dealer very publicly in a book she wrote, which angered the guy so much that he sent someone to kill Casterta. The intruder got the wrong girl though, and ended up stabbing Caserta’s friend instead, who luckily did make a full recovery.

All these things aside, the music world shook, especially because it was such a high profile death only 16 days after Mr. Hendrix had kicked it. Her inspiration ran thick, being the main influence on people like Fleetwood Mac’s Stevie Nicks and Aerosmith’s Steve Tyler. Leonard Cohen and The Grateful Dead’s Jerry Garcia each wrote a song about her. She was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1995, and was given a Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award in 2005. But her greatest legacy came in the form of the posthumously released album Pearl, considered her greatest, ranking number 122 on Rolling Stone magazine's 500 Greatest Albums Of All Time. It also went straight to number 1 on the Billboard 200, where it stayed FOREVER. I might be thinking about something else though.


Jim Morrison Had A Heart-Attack Or Something

JIM MORRISON

December 8, 1943 – July 3, 1971

Less than a year later, a true shooting star tore the sky in two, completely on fire and leaving a trail of destruction behind it, only to disappear as fast as it had come. It was a bright light, blinding and then leaving you before you even registered it existed. But you would never forget it. I’m talking, of course, of one of the greatest, most charismatic, influential, iconic, and pioneering performers and poets in history: The Lizard King himself, Mr. Mojo Rising, the one, the only, the Jim Morrison.

Morrison rose to superstardom as the frontman and lead lyricist of The Doors, who by the end of 1967 were one of the biggest bands in the USA, and impressively released 6 (generally) critically acclaimed albums in only 4 years. What have you done in that time? Nothing.

But as one would expect (it was imperative to the nature of Jim’s character) the guy had an ego of note. He saw himself as somewhat of a prophet (or shaman, rather), and was known to take loads of acid, reportedly living on canned beans and LSD for years before The Doors had even grouped together. Which I’m sure didn’t help the personality complex in the slightest. But who can blame him really? He was super good looking, and said things of such a deep nature that one could only assume he was Jesus, or something equally as blasphemous.

It didn’t take long until Jim started to show up to recording sessions and gigs completely wasted, and often very late. Bored of his sex-symbol status (which he felt devalued his urgent message), he had started to gain a lot of weight, grew a beard and dressed more casually. His performances became more erratic, as he attempted to spark riots, harassed the security and allegedly exposed himself once too. That particular incident lead to many legal issues with the man, which were never officially resolved.

Because before they could be, Morrison was found dead in his bathtub, in Paris 1971. There was no evidence of foul play, resulting in no autopsy being performed, which in hindsight was a mistake as it left many questions unanswered. Generally believed to be a heart-attack brought on by a mix of heroin and cocaine, Pamela Courson (his girlfriend) became the main source of information on the situation, and yet her account varies each time she tells it. She has often claimed she killed Jim, having taken the same drugs and nodding out whilst Morrison was puking up blood (which he was known to do anyway), resulting in his death. Another rumour was that Jim actually overdosed in a bathroom at the Rock 'n' Roll Circus nightclub, causing his dealers to panic, hastily dumping his body in his apartment and then swearing to secrecy. But the most delicious rumour of all stemmed from Jim’s fascination with faking his own death, which is something he had expressed interest in for many years. These ideas were fuelled further when nobody could attest to actually seeing the corpse, and when The Doors' own drummer John Densmore publicly exclaimed that "the grave is too short!" at the funeral. Even their keyboardist May Manzarek said that if anyone could pull it off - Jim could. It was also a little strange that the news only hit the media 6 days after he had died, which would be the right amount of time to sort out all the finer details. Of course, these notions sent the public into a bit of a mass-hysteria, and Jim was sighted many times all over the world almost immediately. We are still awaiting his official return.

Regardless, his legacy is massive, becoming the biggest influence on many superstars, to the likes of Iggy Pop from The Stooges, Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam, Layne Staley from Alice in Chains and Julian Casablancas from The Strokes. He was also ranked 47 on Rolling Stone's 100 Greatest Singers of All Time, and 22 on Classic Rock Magazine's 50 Greatest Singers In Rock. The Doors as a unit were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1993, and 3 of their albums were included on the Rolling Stone list of The 500 Greatest Albums of All Time (their debut at number 42). He was also once the face of some German stamps, which is a pretty cool place to be, so I guess it all turned out alright or something?


Anyway, at this point of our story, The 27 Club was in full public consciousness. Within 2 years (exactly, to the date!) 4 champions of 60’s rock had passed tragically at the same age, and the phenomenon was forever cemented into rock history. Some believe that it ends here too, as their strict definition of The Club includes the short time between these occurrences. And, to their credit, it did seem like it was over as fast as it had begun. Because, besides many minor characters joining the ranks, no one was at the level of The Big Four, and the story was somewhat forgotten in later generations. This is because the more modern day heroes are pussies, too afraid to indulge in the excessive nature a rockstar should experience by default, as it was in the late 60's/early 70's. That was, of course, until


KURT COBAIN

February 20, 1967 – April 5, 1994

Born merely 2 years before the death of Brian Jones, we have the most recognizable member of recent decades. So much so, I hardly feel it’s necessary to relay his story to you, but I will anyway. He was the singer/primary songwriter for Nirvana, a band who has been known for changing the alternative scene permanently, by inventing grunge, popularizing depression, and single handedly leading the 90’s by its throat. The album Nevermind, just for example, topped almost every critics’ top list of the decade; it has been placed in the National Recording Registry; and was at number 17 on Rolling Stone's list The 500 Greatest Albums of All Time.

None of this sat well with Kurt, because he was a bit of a miserable cunt, and he didn’t want to be the voice of the generation because he didn’t have all that much to say. This, coupled with terrible stomach pains, lead Kurt into a deep depression. He was diagnosed with ADD at a very early age, and bi-polar at a later age, not to mention mental illness ran in the family as two of his uncles had committed suicide by shotgun. Kurt battled these demons with drugs, having a big taste for alcohol, pot, and LSD, but eventually settled on his lifelong romance with heroin.

In the meantime, Nirvana continued to thrive, Cobain continued to struggle, and in 1994 (after a stint in rehab) Cobain’s dead body was found in his green house, head blown off with a shotgun which lay on his chest. There was a mess, there was a note, and there was REM’s Automatic For The People in the stereo. I remember this day. It shook almost every teenager and young adult in the world, and the pain felt in the music industry was undeniable, comparable only to the likes of Presley or Lennon. Some people were next-level distraught, and they committed suicide themselves, which is as sad and pathetic as it is touching and even a little beautiful. But who didn’t see it all coming? He was a self loathing junkie with a chronic illness, shoved into a height of fame without any coping tools, and so a suicide like this was predictable and a black-and-white open-and-shut case. Right?

Well, depends on who you speak to. The conspiracy theories surrounding this 27 Club Member are possibly the strongest of them all, a menacing story revolving around the theory that Courtney Love had hired someone to kill her husband, who was looking to divorce her. The “evidence” is intriguing to say the least, and some of the highlights are as follows: he was on so much heroin at the time that it might have been difficult for him to operate the weapon; the “suicide note” had very little reference to an actual suicide; parts of the handwriting were “inconclusive” to Kurt’s own handwriting; the brisk process in which the incident was ruled as a suicide left for very little investigation; there were no fingerprints on the shotgun; many of his friends said he was in good spirits in his last days; Courtney Love had reportedly tried to hire someone to kill Kurt before the episode; and much much more. The list of people who believe it was a homicide is extensive, and include Kim Gordon of Sonic Youth, Kurt’s godfather and Courtney’s ex-husband James Moreland from The Leaving Trains, who said Courtney had threatened him with the same fate before. For more information, check this site out: Justice For Kurt

What do I think? Nothing. I don’t think. It’s not healthy to give too much belief into these conspiracy things - it will drive you crazy. And like, what you gonna do? You gonna solve the fucking thing? No. But I will admit, it is very plausible, and much like those who came before Kurt in this tale, it is a very interesting little twist on his premature death. But suicide or not, one thing that always stood out for me was a quote from his sister, Kimberly Cobain, who claimed that Kurt had always admired The 27 Club, and expressed interest in joining it.


And he did. And that was that. Over 20 years later, and without argument, The Big 4 had become The Big 5. And since then, there has never been anyone to remotely scratch the surface or even cause a debate amongst The 27 Club experts. That is, until last Saturday.


AMY WINEHOUSE

14 September 1983 – 23 July 2011

As far as being synonymous with modern train-wrecks go, no celebrity has shit on two young Brits, namely Pete Doherty (who just got out of jail) and Amy Winehouse. But while both of these stars were immensely popular tabloid material due to their reckless everyday decision making, Amy reached a height of recognition that Doherty could only dream of. Her awards include (but are not limited to): 1 Brit Award, 2 Echo Awards, 3 Ivor Novello Awards; 1 MOJO Award; 1 MTV Europe Award; 2 NME Awards; 1 Q Award; 1 World Music Award; and 5 Grammy Awards. This alone places her in a very different sort of league than all the entries before her, at very least when alive.

But even if you wish to disagree with that, you cannot deny that she was in the same league as all of them as far as her personal life was concerned. Her domestic violence issues with ex-husband and current convict Blake Fielder-Civil were well documented, the two often shown in the press covered in cuts and bruises. She attributed her appearance to self-harm (which she was known to do) as well as an eating disorder, but she also admitted to becoming very violent when drunk. And of course, there were the drugs, and she knew them all. According to her father, she had smoked so much crack that she had developed emphysema. In 2007 she was hospitalized for an overdose of heroin, ecstasy, cocaine, ketamine and alcohol. That same year she was arrested on a marijuana charge, and again the next year for slapping a man in the face. In 2009 she was accused of punching a woman, spitting on another, and then was arrested later again for a separate incident of assault. All the while she was in and out of rehab, her final attempt being one week at the Priory Clinic on the 25th of May, 2011.

And then on the 23rd of July, Winehouse was found dead at her Camden home by her security guards. I purposefully held out writing this blog for as long as I could, hoping that some clarity on the reasons for her death would surface, but the first autopsy proved inconclusive. However (and it would be nice to be wrong), it seems fairly obvious this was a drug related death, and statements released by Russel Brand among many others seemed pretty convinced that this was the case. While we wait for an official verdict, some even more interesting stories have been released by the press, including some from her former stylist and flatmate Alex Foden. He was quick to point out Amy's generous nature (having paid for Alex to go to rehab himself), but also shared details on her £1000 a day habit (which he did say had improved in recent times). He also told of a time when Amy swallowed £300 worth of heroin wraps just to smuggle them into the Caribbean. But most interesting of all was when Alex explained to reporters that "Amy always told me she thought she would die young and that she knew she'd become a part of the 27 Club,” much like Kurt had.

So far (as with her female 27 counterpart) there are no insane conspiracy theories just yet, but suicide has been pondered by a few.

Jared Woods Outside Amy Whinehouse's House
Already U2 have dedicated a song to Amy in concert, and MIA released an entire new song devoted to the star. Almost every celebrity on Twitter has paid their digital respects, including George Michael, Katy Perry, Ashton Kutcher, Eva Longoria, Rihanna, Moby, and of course, her producer Mark Ronson who said “she was my musical soulmate & like a sister to me. this is one of the saddest days of my life.” Microsoft were a little less sensitive, urging fans to download her Back to Black album for free on their website. People didn’t like that. But the greatest tribute of all was at Amy’s house, where fans wrote on the road signs, posted notes on trees, left guitars and filled the road with portraits, flowers, cigarettes and alcohol - which (like it or not) was so Amy in the true spirit of Amy. I was “lucky” enough to be outside her house only 2 days after her passing, and the somber mood was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. So many people; candles flickering in silence; sadness all around; and yet a touching aura surrounded these fans who recognized her as the broken angel she was. Now get ready for the record label to rape her reportedly massive catalogue of unreleased material. Meh.

Of course, one common thought that seemed strewn across my social feeds (and no one can really disagree with this) is that there was some degree of inevitably surrounding the death of someone who built a reputation of being off the rails (especially when watching her recent painful performances at Belgrade). But as an optimist (and due to the general fairy tale hope most of us have when looking up at the stars) I had the best hopes for poor Amy. I mean, she had literally just come out of The Priory rehab, she had almost finished her third record, and her recovery seemed somewhat promising on paper. Unfortunately, this was not the case, and I for one have been heartbroken these last few days. I had such a soft spot for her which seems to have amplified in her absence, which is understandable. She was inspirational to many female artists well before her death, who (by their own admission) include Adele, Duffy and Lady Gaga. Jay-Z himself stated years ago that Amy had managed to almost exclusively revitalise British music. So despite the sadness most of us feel now, we can pin-point some pride in the fact that she is now officially cemented as a legend, forever. Only time will tell to what extent, but all of this is out of our hands, and hers.

The debate now screaming throughout the Internets is the question: Why should Amy be included in The Big 5, complicating it to The Big 6 (a much less of a rounded number)? What makes Amy deserving of such a legendary title when her musical weight is still not as obvious as those who came before her? The argument stands strong from both sides, and the main point against her inclusion is that, yeah, she was by no means as influential as any of the other artists we have already spoken about here. But my vote is a definite “yes, let’s put her in”. I feel strongly about this because she is a much bigger and more popular star than any of the lesser 27 members who missed The Big List, and she doesn’t deserve to be lost among them. And while The Big Stars may seem bigger, you have to remember how much of this stardom escalated after their deaths, the consequence of Amy’s still being uncertain. And when you compare her to the likes of, say, Kurt Cobain, it isn’t that far off. Nirvana’s peak was 1991, Kurt died 3 years later. Amy’s peak was 2006, dying 5 years later. It's not that different. Further more, both of these artists technically only had 2 successful studio albums (Bleach wasn't commercially successful, Incesticide was a b-side album, Unplugged was live) and yet it was Amy’s final album which gained her the most recognition, which proves her time was far from up. Another interesting point was that Spin magazine’s music editor Charles Aaron was quoted years ago as saying "Amy Winehouse was the Nirvana moment for all these women”, which is extremely interesting in context of recent events. And then if you compare her to, say, Brian Jones, who’s peak had most definitely come and gone, you might even say she deserves it more than him. And finally, by very definition, you cannot deny the pure rockstar power Amy embodied. Not by genre, given, but by her lifestyle, as she was as insane and as self-dangerous as all of them - if not then more so.

There are no official rules to The Big Members of The 27 Club, only a public debate that doesn’t turn into a voting system but rather gets decided after time. But seeing as most publications including The Guardian; TIME and Forbes have already placed her at the top, I feel I can say with all clarity: Amy Winehouse, welcome as The 6th Big Member of The 27 Club. You are now a legend among legends, my girl, and you will be missed greatly.


The 27 Club Conclusion
CONCLUSION

In times of a big celebrity death, I am always reminded of the insensitivity a large portion of the human race has. While the majority of Tweets and Facebook posts I have read were saddened by the musical loss, there will always be those who feel a need to poke fun at the situation. Almost immediately, I heard Amy being labeled an idiot: a junkie who brought it upon herself and it shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. The jokes about “Re-hab” this and “No, no, no” that were as tasteless as they were far too obvious, and not really funny if you think about it. I mean, I did hear some funny ones, but I hardly feel like this is the place.

I am reminded of the recent passing of one Ryan Dunn, that crazy guy from Jackass. Everyone was quick to point fingers at his drunk driving, calling him a fool as if he deserved his early passing at age 34. It is here where I must remind you that dying from addiction, suicide or any type of misbehaviour is a no less tragic than your usual ways to go. People who loved, and people who were loved, are left behind. Families and friends still mourn and feel the pain without the need of heartless kids who have no idea what or who they are talking about. I have lost a friend to cocaine overdose, and I have come to realise there are just certain people in the world who are special. People we should envy more than frown upon, who lived fast and died young. These people are in many ways better than you. While you play it safe and make sure you don’t misstep onto something that might hurt you, you end up dying anyway, even if it is considered a “safe” way to die. But the minority of whom run with flailing arms and voices screaming, unafraid of death and willing to take it head-on, truly understand the thrill and blessing we have with this life. And that is nothing to look down upon. Particularly in the entertainment business, this is even more important, as their whole lives become a source of interest to us. And I for one believe that the entertainment industry is the most important industry in the world. Whilst it's overrated in the way we place these normal human beings on pedestals, it is underrated in the way that we forget how much we NEED these people to escape the 9-5 mundane life we otherwise experience. And the truth is: you know who they are, they don’t know who you are, and they have achieved more than you ever will. So who is the real loser here? The known who dies? Or the unknown who has a weightless opinion just like everyone else?

However, there was one more intelligent remark that was less frequent but still floating around in the air of this news. It was the fact that the attention on the star’s death overshadowed the mass murdering by Anders Behring Breivik in Norway. The day before Amy died, this man placed a bomb in Oslo which killed 7 people, and then 2 hours later (disguised in a police uniform), he traveled to the Utøya island and opened fire on a youth summer camp, killing up to 80 people, mostly teenagers. This is horrific by any opinion, and one could never say that Amy’s death was anywhere near this magnitude. However, I am reminded of the quote “The Death Of One Is A Tragedy, The Death Of Millions Is Just A Statistic” which is very applicable here. It all depends on what is more important to you: Politics or Entertainment. Neither choice is more right or wrong, but I personally lean towards the latter. My reasoning is as follows: while more deaths had occurred in Norway, I never think of Norway and have only given them a thought now due to this terrible massacre. I had never even heard of Oslo or Utøya, had you? Amy Winehouse, on the other hand, crossed my mind fairly often, I’d say at least every month when I visited Camden; when her face was in the newspaper; when her song came on the radio; or just when I felt like some great Soul Pop. She was in my brain, as she was in yours

I think if we wish to focus on those terrible acts of violence in Norway, it is only fair to then spare a thought for those millions who have lost their lives in war in recent times, all over the world, even right now. And these deaths were not from the hands of “mad men” but our nations’ leaders. What is the fucking difference? I don’t like thinking about these things. Because while politics or religion is hardly ever filled with good news, entertainment is designed to give us hope and make us smile, allowing us to latch onto a feeling someone created for us, showing us the beauty in life the newspapers choose not to. Think of all the people who fell in love with their partner for the first time while listening to Amy; the people who fucked each other for the first time while listening to Amy; the couples who use Amy’s music to represent their relationship; or even to dance to at their wedding. I mean, the last thing I want to do is undermine the Norway murders, as they will certainly be placed in history somewhere, much like those High School shoot-ups, terrible diseases or natural disasters that have left scars in our psyche. But another incident just like this will take place very soon (mark my words) while a death like Amy's only happens once every 17 years or so, as we have just discussed. Think about it: music has the potential to touch millions in a much more positive way; to bring people together in song and dance; or yes, even save a life which had nowhere else to turn. What it comes down to is that we have lost an artist who gave us joy and distractions, and for this reason we cannot place an incident that will be lost among all the other mass tragedies, above the death of one artist who will forever be remembered for her contribution to music. We must mourn both, for both are a loss for the world.

But I guess all of this opposition, questioning, and even the nastiness and cruel joking, is human nature. People like to think they are funny when, in time of a famous death, they are shocking and blunt, brushing off a troubled individual as someone less than human. And I guess that is your right as a contributor to the global consciousness. Nobody can stop you, and there are many more just like you. But know this: if you have disregarded Amy Winehouse’s death as a joke, I hope your entire family and future kids die as crackheads as soon as possible, all the while the whole fucking world laughs at your misfortune. And believe me, they will. Goodbye.



Some Lesser Known 27 Club Members Like Robert Johnson and Richey James Edwards
OTHER NOTABLE 27 CLUB MEMBERS

Robert Johnson
May 8, 1911 – August 16, 1938
One of the most criminally overlooked members who influenced almost every blues songwriter ever, murdered by strychnine poison. Often considered the very first member as well as one of the best cases of someone selling their soul to Satan.

Ron "Pigpen" McKernan
September 8, 1945 – March 8, 1973
One of the founding members of The Grateful Dead, playing keyboard and dying of gastrointestinal hemorrhage.

Dave Alexander
June 3, 1947 – February 10, 1975
Bassist for The Stooges, dying from pancreatitis due to excessive drinking.

Pete Ham
27 April 1947 – 24 April 1975
Good friends of The Beatles and prime songwriter for Badfinger, Pete hung himself due to personal and financial issues.

D. Boon
April 1, 1958 – December 23, 1985
Guitarist and vocalist for Minutemen, dying from a broken neck in a car accdient.

Pete de Freitas
2 August 1961–14 June 1989
Drummer for Echo & the Bunnymen, died due to motorcycle accident.

Richey James Edwards
22 December 1967 - 1 February 1995 (presumed deceased)
One of the highly debated should-be-shouln’t-be members of The Big 27’s, Richey was the guitarist and lyricist from The Manic Street Preahcers. The main reason for his exclusion was that he just went missing, and was never found again. I wrote more about Richey on my blog The Top 20 Naughtiest Musicians, Ever.

Jeremy Michael Ward
May 5, 1976 – May 25, 2003
Sound technician and vocal operator for The Mars Volta, dying from heroin overdose less than a month before their debut was released.

Bryan Ottoson
1978 - 2005 (not famous or talented enough to have his own wikipedia article)
Guitarist from American Head Charge, died from an accidental prescription drug overdose.

There are many more, most of which have been noted here.