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Fuck, I love Halloween. It’s the only day that, in my opinion, we can properly celebrate our creativity and imagination in the areas of evil and fear. I dig the idea of promoting mischief from the hands of little children disguised as monsters, knocking on stranger’s doors begging for candy. There is something exciting and a little twisted about all of this, and that’s what my life is all about personally.
The origins and reasons why we enjoy this holiday are interesting enough. This was the day that the Celtics believed the border between the living and the dead became thin, which allowed spirits to cross over and visit us. Some viewed this as a good way to make passed loved ones feel missed, while others viewed it as a dark doorway for harmful entities to cause trouble. In fact, this is why we dress up today. The tradition of wearing scary clothing on this celebration was meant to protect and ward off the evils, although I find the children themselves to be much scarier.
A while ago, my internet-friend Erin asked me on formspring if I had experienced any paranormal activity in my short lifetime. As I began to answer this, I realised a story with this many details could not be lost on a page filled with what is usually pointless tongue-and-cheek answers. So instead, I saved it for this very day, my way of starting off your 2010 Halloween weekend with love.
I have told a handful of people this story before, and reactions vary. If you don’t believe in the paranormal, this won’t be the story to convince you. Many skeptics have been quick to point out logical explanations to all of the pieces I am about to tell you, and I don’t disregard this, I am not here to promote these ideas at all. I am not going to even go so far as to say that I believe in ghosts and demons and other such unexplainable entities, because I don’t know. What I am here to tell you about is a bunch of shit that freaked me out. I can't justify calling these paranormal experiences except that nothing about this felt normal whatsoever. If you want to email me and tell me that I am making a big deal out of nothing, by all means go ahead, but this blog is not written for you. Because without a doubt, those who do believe in the paranormal and/or have had experiences themselves will definitely enjoy this more. And no matter what your stance, something bad is going to happen to you very soon.
I am also taking a huge risk here, because every time I tell this story, my life get effected. I haven’t dabbled in these thoughts since I have arrived in London, so I am hoping that I am not inviting things in that I shouldn’t be. I will keep you updated if things go strange, and if I die mysteriously, you know why. Haha, just joking, I’m immortal.
I guess my mind became heavily curious when I was around 10 years old or so. I went on holiday with the family of a friend. He and his sister were allowed to bring one person along, and we all shared a room. His sister and her friend were much older than us, super hot, and proceeded to tell us that they were witches and had many experiences with spirits. That midnight they took us to a graveyard where we casually and calmly walked around, and we found this black cat who followed us all the way home. Nothing about this was weird or scary, it was fun and I felt safe with these two girls. Once home, we made a circle where they claimed to contact the dead and continued to hum in unison and say very peculiar things. I will be the first to brush this off as mass-hysteria, but the room felt very fucking weird. Everyone’s faces were changing to the point that I couldn’t tell who looked like a boy and who looked like a girl. The most stand-out occurrence was when something invisible began to pull on my face, and I freaked out and started crying. It didn't take long until everyone was crying, it just all felt really out of place. I look back on this not so much as a paranormal experience, but more the moment that I began to become very interested with the idea of the unknown and making contact with the dead.
After this, I dabbled in a bit of witchcraft myself, and cast a few successful spells. As time has gone on, I believe that spells are the same as prayers are the same as The Law Of Attraction. It’s putting your focus on something you want, getting your emotions in tune with it, and then manifesting it into your life. But it just shows where I was in my thought process and my interests at that age, and what path I was heading down.
This story only starts now.
Believe it or not, Ouija boards are very fucking powerful things. People are quick to debunk the tool, but when you consider that the first example found was in China around 1100 B.C., it’s hard to imagine that well over 3000 years have passed and yet no one can still completely explain it. People all around the world still swear by it’s authenticity, I have proven it many times to people, and can prove it to you. I do this often by setting one up and getting the person who I am playing with to ask the board a question only they would know the answer to. Maybe like “What is my mother’s maidens name?” or “What is my Gmail password?”. The Ouija board will tell them, which would mean that either they are pushing it around despite wanting to disprove it, or there is actually something there.
It’s a nifty seemingly harmless pass-time, but they are in reality very dangerous. If you do a bit of research you will find that almost anyone who has played the board regularly has advised others that it isn’t a good idea. And that is exactly what this story is about.
Ouija boards are interesting in the way that the more you play, especially as a team, the faster and more articulate it becomes. It didn’t take long before full sentences were flashing before our eyes as fast as we could read them, telling us how we would one day die and who we would one day marry (although as any player knows, spirits have as much ability to lie and exaggerate as any alive person would). And as it is often documented, there was a point where one spirit had grown quite attached to us. He introduced himself as Pion and seemed to really enjoy messing with us, quick to answer our questions with his seemingly logical predictions. Everytime we started a new session, in would come Pion with his opinions of our lives and life in general.
One particular day, the group of us were playing the board in the attic of my girlfriend’s house. For some reason, she was sitting this round out, and the boys were asking stupid boy questions, as we do. One of the oh-so-mature questions we asked, and the question that heavily influenced my life for sometime to come, was “is anybody in this room bisexual?”. The planchette slid over and highlighted “Yes” and there were many giggles all around. Naturally, we asked “Who?” and Pion proceeded to spell out my girfriend’s name. Despite this probably being true, this really pissed her off and so she abruptly ran over to the board and kicked it, the glass planchette sliding far away from the board and everything slipping from underneath our fingers.
This is a very bad thing. The number 1 rule about the Ouija board is to never play alone. The number 2 rule is that if you ever decide to play (don’t) you must NEVER lift your fingers up until the spirit has said goodbye to you. The reason is that it supposedly damages the spirit’s spirit as it were, and this upsets them greatly. You don’t want that.
We frantically scrambled the pieces back together and apologised profusely, but it was all wrong. It began to spell out “B-A-D-M-I-S-T-A-K-E-B-A-D-M-I-S-T-A-K-E-B-A-D-M-I-S-T-A-K-E” over and over. Eventually it began to threaten us, warning my girlfriend that something very bad was going to happen to her. It also began to tell us how it was fetching all of it’s demon friends, calling them by their first names, claiming that they were filling up the room. Needless to say we were shitting ourselves, and as much as we begged it to say Goodbye, it wouldn’t.
After some time we managed to calm everything back down to a decent level of communication and we slowly continued to talk to Pion about less and less serious things. But man, I was spooked, and pretty soon Pion noticed.
After some time we convinced Pion to leave us alone, and we packed it up. It was then we noticed my girlfriend was missing, so we ran around the entire property screaming her name trying to find her. It was panic to the point of tears. Eventually we found her hiding in her Dad’s workshop, but we were all so convinced that something really bad had happened to her, that we got rid of the board and it was never played on again.
You would think this would be enough to stop me, but it wasn’t. And luckily/unluckily for me, the one guy we played with a lot felt the same. So without telling anyone, we constructed a crude Ouija board out of cardboard and continued to play this in my room for months. It worked pretty well, it wasn’t quite the same, but we continued to get a decent amount of communication from the spirits. Even Pion visited us once or twice. It was here that we were told that everyone was on a level when it came to connecting with the dead. We were a 7 at that point, and the more we played, the higher we got. We were told that once we reached 10, the spirit could make us float, which is obviously a level that we never got to, but on occasion we would level-up and it would be extremely exciting. In hind-sight, this was probably total bollocks, just the Spirit’s way to encourage us to play more and more Ouija board everyday - and it worked. My mom even knew about it. I can guarantee you that this over-indulgence is what fucked it all up.
Over this time, my room had become a cold place. It was very damp anyway, mold was growing on the walls and I would often find snails or worms or other creatures trying to make a home there. So it wasn’t a sunshine kind of habitat, and reflects how messed up and depressed my life was at that point in time anyway.
But more than anything, it was how it felt in there. It had a very dark and tingling feeling to it and I never quite felt like I was alone. Now, I know I can’t completely attribute this to some paranormal activity, people are quick to point this out. And when I look back, maybe you are right. But what I know is that there was a very distinct vibe in there for whatever reason. I could never explain this to you properly as no one can ever explain a feeling anyway, but it just felt fucking wrong. Believe me, it did.
However, odd things would happen. I would hear noises all through the night. It sounded like things were constantly outside my window - a point proven when people actually did break into my house when I was awake, but I ignored it because I was so used to the noise. My computer was quite effected as well, documents would remove data, sometimes full files would disappear. One of the more interesting things was that randomly, almost once a week, my printer would print a tiny smiley face. You never knew when, but suddenly my printer would start up and print this minute smiley webding. Of course, this to me was a good sign, that whatever was doing this was at least on a happy vibe. These events can be explained by many other reasons, and go ahead and do that, but from where I was standing it was very eerie.
What sealed it for me was when my one friend was visiting. His parents are both very much into the spiritual scene, his mom selling natural medicines and practicing alternative healing as her occupation, and his Dad being one of the forefront South African hypnotists, exorcists, channels and many other paranormal things. My friend had been exposed to this lifestyle since he was born, had good knowledge about all of it, and was drinking beer with me in my lounge. After a while of good laughter, he needed to piss and went to my room to do so. He came out with a very different look on his face. “There’s an entity in your room Jared, did you know this?”. I laughed, and told him that it was a friendly ghost, surely, and explained the printer story. He didn’t dig it and refused to go into my room ever again. I didn’t take it to heart, but that was definitely the point that confirmed it for me.
Two nights after I had put it up, I went to bed, and literally the second I fell asleep, I felt these evil arms come around my back and hang onto me with all their might. The presence of evil was all over me and I was fighting the best I could, completely in blindness. I don’t know how to describe it exactly, but what it seemed like was that I was almost asleep, but this thing wanted me to stay awake, restraining me in some kind of mid-point.
I woke up in a panic. And above my head I could hear the Exorcist poster slowly peeling off of the wall. It was stuck there with Blu-Tack (Prestik as we call it in SA), but it sounded more like someone had stuck a piece of masking tape to the wall, and were slowly removing it. Like a sticky hissing. I freaked, jumped up, ripped the poster down and threw it on the floor. I then went back to sleep.
The next morning the poster was still on the floor, so I was definitely awake for that noise.
In 2007 I moved house 6 times. They say that moving home does not guarantee you will loose your follower, but there are reports that it does make it easier, and at some point I had definitely lost it. I had also moved on with my life. I was far more into other things and so I wasn’t so prone to allowing it into my experiences. They say that by giving it thought and attention, it becomes stronger, which is why it had left me alone at that time. And which is also why I was so reluctant to write this blog in the first place.
And then in an act of complete stupidity, around Halloween 2007 (exactly 3 years ago), I decided I wanted to have a freaky one. I began to read reports on the internets all about people and their paranormal experiences. The one really stood out for me was of a girl who went so far as to even having sexual contact with a spirit. She had multiple different beings contacting her through various methods, some urging her to continue having sex with this one specific entity, others warning her against it, all of them lying and tricking her into different acts. Eventually they were talking to her constantly throughout her day, narrating her life until she actually had to go to an institution for a while. I don’t know why, but this story seemed to open up the gates of my mind a bit, and I was there with open arms. I was trying to get this shit back into my life because so much time had passed that I had begun to doubt my own experiences. It didn’t take long before I definitely felt a presence anywhere I went. It’s difficult to explain but it feels like someone is permanently staring at you, as cliche as that sounds. I always feel it in my back, like a constant borderline chill. It looked like I was going to get my freaky Halloween after all.
A couple days into my stirring, I was driving up to my apartment in Kenilworth and pulled into my parking space. There sitting at the end of it, blocking me from parking properly, was an old African drum. It was full of dirt, very wide but short and looked ancient. I was stoked and didn’t think twice about it. I happily took the drum back into my apartment and sat it in my hallway, chuffed with my new toy.
Regardless, this time was very different. I felt a presence all over my room, definitely as if something was hanging over me. I could hear my housemate talking to his friend in the next room and I tried so hard to scream for them to help me, but couldn’t get a word out. And the freakiest part of all is that the drum was playing itself, a slow timeless beat coming from the hallway. There I was, completely paralysed with all this mass noise going on around me in complete panic, and I don’t remember what happened next.
The next day I went to work and phoned my housemate to tell him what had happened. And he said “That’s weird man, I wasn’t even home last night”.
That evening I went to visit my sister and had pretty much written the whole thing off as another weird dream. That’s when I got a phone call from my housemate telling me that he had locked his keys in his car and needed me to come and open the door for him to get his spares. Angrily, I went and picked him up at some pub and we drove to the house. We put my keys in the door but they wouldn’t turn. There was nothing we could do, we tried and we tried, but the door just wouldn’t budge. It was as if something was holding the lock from the inside. I didn’t think much of it, I was too irritated, so we decided we had no choice but to go back and get my housemate's keys from his car.
We drove back to it and found a homeless man who obviously had some kind of experience with breaking into cars. He came with a wire and began trying to open the car door. Casually while he was doing this, we told him how we couldn’t open the door of our house and how weird it was. This complete stranger turned to us with fear in his eyes and said “There is something in your house. You guys better be careful”. The night before rushed back to me, and I was like “Shit dude, the drum!” and my housemate suddenly realised what might be going on.
We got into the car, drove back to the house, and just like before, his keys would not turn. So it couldn’t have been the keys themselves, but still meant that maybe the lock was fucked. We had no choice, we smashed a window and climbed in. We went around to the door and it was just as it had always been. We turned the lock, and from the inside, it opened easily. Nothing was wrong with it. We tested the keys again, and suddenly they worked fine. For some reason, it had refused to turn from outside just that time. In fact, I lived in that house for almost 2 years, and it had never happened before or after.
Together we took that drum and threw it away. A big sense of relief breathed into me and I decided not to tell anyone the story. Although I have mentioned it since then once or twice, most of my close friends will be hearing about this for the first time. The reason being, of course, because I had to purposefully avoid giving the whole ordeal any attention and basically ignore it as much as fucking possible, which worked. It stopped bothering me pretty soon afterwards and I went on with my somewhat normal lifestyle.
And that's the end of my story, hope you liked it. If anything I learned that no matter what the hell was going on back there, it wasn’t pleasant, it wasn’t immediately explainable and it all seemed centered around moments I opened myself up to the experiences. It was enough to satisfy my curiosity and I will never go back to that place ever again. Of course there will always be critics, and all I can say to you lot is that no matter what you believe, if you were there, you would’ve shat bricks. Until it happens to you, you will never know. Go play Ouija board in a graveyard and I promise you your mind will do back-flips and you will cry to your mommy. Then write a blog about it, I dunno.
Finally I must just let you know that various times during the writing of this blog, I felt very weird. I compulsively saved my work because I had this feeling it was just going to disappear on me, I don't know why. It's hard to say if my mind was just playing tricks or not, but it was such a familiar feeling that a few times I considered scrapping the whole thing. At least I never have to tell this story again, I can just post the URL. God bless the internet, and Happy Halloween to all of you. Watch what happens now.
Besides this, we had a massive party to celebrate my quarter century passing and I hit new levels of fuckness. Seriously, I remember none of it, but have since heard I was drooling on myself and shouting obscene things to my friends. Apparently it was all filmed. I am finally almost back to normal.
But the best part of it all (and most relevant to you) was The Funpowder Plot. I took the week off of work, put my teeth to the grind and made the website. And finally on Friday it was launched, Juice Five, the first Juice in months. The write-up on The Juices section says it best, like this:
The most important thing you need to know about The Funpowder Plot is that this is not my project. I was reluctant to even called it a Juice at all, but I did anyway. No, this is a collaboration between myself and the most talented people I know, namely: Ammr Khalifa, Ashley Cooper, The Freewheelin’ Troubadour, Jonathan Loose van der Velden and Kris Cook. I am merely a cog in a machine that will eat your children and fuck your wife better than you ever could.
We make films. Films that we would want to watch, who cares what you lot think. These include music videos, mini-documentaries and shorts - to name a few. Rest assured, we have well over 10 ideas ready to explode at any given point, some of which we are busy giving birth to right now. Between us we can do anything, nurturing a passing brain idea until it bursts into one solid art form.
The name itself was a heavy process, weeks of drunken debating and painstaking voting after voting and email after email. We were close to calling it The Teenage Pregnancy Project, and even closer to calling it The Gravy Stroke, until we settled on the title of a song by Wild Beasts. Tony Blair had nothing to do with it. Our reasoning for choosing this moniker varies and it would take far too long to explain this to anyone as the symbolism and perfection of it continues to reveal itself daily.
The combination of our powers doesn’t need to convince you of shit, just look at how much we have done. And behind every great team, is an even greater team, and this is why The Funpowder Plot extends much deeper to any of our friends willing to get involved. Because of this beautiful concentration of friendship, it is unstoppable and will be a part of our lives that we can marvel over forever regardless of the outcome.
Our goal? Our goal is to have fun working with friends and producing professional works which impresses people and each other, humouring me greatly in the process. We really are still just kids with bigger dicks and a bunch of skills, no matter what our birth certificates say. But our dream? Well, our dream is the same as every one's dream: take over the world. Only difference is that we will.
This project is something I’ve always prayed for. It’s enough to make me believe in God. Keep your eye on our balls, you will see things you can never unsee.
Now obviously that sucked all my time away, but I am back on track. I haven’t answered a formspring question for way too long, no work on Coming Down Happy or The Autobiography. And my Twitter updates have been sub-par at best. The reason is that my real life became more interesting and emotionally testing for a while over there, but I feel like my priorities are straight and my quest for attention is back to it’s old self. Expect a new blog for Halloween you cunts!
Goodbye.
Formspring is rad. For those of you who don't know what this is, relax, I will tell you. Formspring is a website where anonymous people (like you) can ask the big-mouth user (like me) any dodgy question you like. And because I have spent years and years of my life partaking in fake interviews in front of the mirror, this is the perfect site for me to pretend I am already famous. However, over the last while, it's gone a bit insane. I have received quite a ton of varied questions almost daily, and have only recently got it to a manageable amount. I can only imagine that these people have no idea who I am, because nobody in their right mind should trust me with anything.
Anyways, if you think you can take me on (and I dare you), ask me any question you fucking want here: http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip
I ALWAYS ANSWER EVERY SINGLE ONE.
This blog came around because I recently got asked pretty much the best question ever, which was ironically:
Out of aaaalllll questions yet, what is your favourite?
I figured this had to be the ultimate question, so I took my time reading over each of the 250+ formspring posts on my page trying to find the very best one. While doing so, I realised something very important about myself: I can talk a lot of shit.
Of course, picking just one question wouldn't be my style. My style is far too complex and arrogant for that. So I narrowed it down to my top 10, and after all that effort, I decided this had to be a blog entry rather than just a lost formspring question that 5 people would read.
Here they are, and thanks soooo much to all the people who ask me these things! It means a lot, I am truly grateful for all of you, I can't explain how much joy you guys bring in my life.
10. Do religious/Christian family members or friends ever show concern for your non-religiousness/agnosticism? How do you justify your beliefs to them? I know you believe in God; I mean the rest (or lack thereof). And I'm not preaching here - I'm the devil
READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/944098915
WHY I LIKE IT:
I felt this one was particularly important because, as the question suggests, I love to run my mouth off about religion in what can be confused as a blasphemous way. Now I had an excuse to explain exactly why I was doing this, and what my views on organized religion are in general.
I think this question should be an automatic disclaimer that comes attached to my head. Everyone should read it before listening to a word I say, because religion can be a touchy subject, and I don't want to touch anyone.
09. If Mary was married to Joseph why was she a virgin? Did she cheat on him and then blame someone that no one could see?
READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/544574283
WHY I LIKE IT:
This one follows the last one nicely. Ok, it could be viewed as a little bit offensive, but in a loving way. I got quite a few comments about it, two readers claiming it was my best yet.
Worth a lol at least.
08. Hey Jared, One of my English buddies hooked me up with your site and I think you're sooo funny! And kinda cute! I live in Missoula, Montana. How far are you willing to travel for the best night of your life..? ;0
READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/1045483991
WHY I LIKE IT:
It's always great to have some anonymous internet person wanting to fuck me. It's flattering and is also the only source of sexual advances I receive.
But beyond this, I think this has got to be the best piss-take answer I have ever done. The reactions were fantastic, many people talking to me about it even weeks afterwards. And thanks to TheFilmo, who tweeted about it, I earned a lot more followers for it.
The only thing I didn't understand about this questions was the "kinda cute" remark. Kinda cute? I'm cute as fuck baby, damn.
07. What's the secret of happiness, according to you?
READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/424086769
WHY I LIKE IT:
What people don't realise is that while I was answering this one, I was really down. I can't remember why, but I was not in the right place to be answering such questions. It's actually against my rules now, I only answer questions in a good frame of mind, because the ones laced with sadness stick out too loud for me.
However, for once, my slight pessimism gave an interesting twist on my usual "everything is going to be ok" style answer, and I think I hit it more direct that way. One of my friends claimed that this was my best answer ever.
Personally, my favourite thing about this one is that I didn't ramble as much as I normally might have.
06. Can you give a short contextual analysis between your favorite Shakespeare play and the movie Sister Act?
READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/593821235
WHY I LIKE IT:
Without a doubt the hardest question I've ever had to answer. It's author, one Faure whom I know from real lifes, loves to fuck with me on the internet almost daily. I think he wanks over it or something, I don't know.
Regardless, just by reading this question you can see the difficulty he shoved into my face. I had to do so much research about shit I didn't give a fuck about, but I was determined and took it very seriously. I was happy with the outcome.
Faure then graded it, gave me a B or something and said "Good effort". My mom would've been alright with that.
05. I would like you to sing me a song about rusks.
READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/837639747
WHY I LIKE IT:
Normally questions test my opinions, my ability to research or my life experiences. This one is the only worthy example I can think of that challenged my creativity. And "Rusks" isn't a very common word to rhyme with.
Matthew (The myets guy) has asked me a few questions, some of which pissed me off, some of which were really good. But this one was total class, especially because "Rusks" is somewhat of an in-joke between a few people and myself.
Nobody seemed to care much about this one, but I was stoked. I would loooove more questions like this if you guys can think of any.
04. 1 year ago,the most amazing girl i met in my life broke up with me, stil i cant go for more than 2 hours without being tortured by a thought of her.its relentless.no-one else apeals 2me.i feel doomed,i havnt even had sex in a year!im going insane.help pls
READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/478335406
WHY I LIKE IT:
This is one of those great examples where I posted something that I thought I might get into trouble for, but I didn't care because I felt so strongly in what I was saying. The public response was great, mostly from girls (which was surprising), one even going so far as to say that it was my best answer.
Shampies though, I totally sympathise with this dude, really the worst place to be in ever. Hope he's alright now.
03. I'm aware that you are very fond of your father, but you never seem to talk about your mother. Why is this?
READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/734598200
WHY I LIKE IT:
My dad is my hero, but I don't often get a chance to talk about how much he means to me. Suddenly I had this platform and I let rip the best I could with all the reasons why I felt my dad deserves all the credit in the world.
The reaction was epic, I have never received that many comments on any of my formspring posts ever, which it was very touching for me. I FUCKING LOVE YOU DADDY. Don't ever tell him I swore.
02. When will you realize that unfettered tweeting, facebooking, forumspring-agathy-aunt and just general pseudo-communication with idiots is arrogant, pointless and only feeds your denial of a very apparent identity complex.
READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/482173386
WHY I LIKE IT:
This was an exercise in self control. I can't tell you how hard I nearly lost it. But I managed to keep my cool, take my time, and rip this person a new one smartly.
My response was greeted with great accolade, and that person never bothered me again. My favourite thing is that no matter how funny/stupid you think my answer is, you don't entirely get it. This is because there are a few in-jokes sneakily planted around for a select few, keeping myself entertained above anybody else.
01. Why do sperm have to be kept 4-5 degrees lower than body temperature? And how bad would it really be if they were internal organs? Yes I know the main answer would be "just because" or "that's how God made us" but I want a Jared-style "what if" response.
READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/969246689
WHY I LIKE IT:
I have said this theory my whole life. I believe in this theory.
The funny thing is that I didn't get much response for this one at all. But for some reason I think it's my favourite. It's the perfect balance between sex and religion, and while you may think it's a little offensive, you cannot disagree with a word in it.
I will admit, I paused a bit out of fear before posting it, but I think it's the one that makes me laugh the most. Nervously.
CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR
These ones nearly made the top 10, didn't, but are still worth mentioning:
if you were naked, would you grind your body against mine?
READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/626660923
WHY I LIKE IT:
I was bored of the usual questions like this, so I invented a test which evaluated the reader's chances of fucking me. It was a complete joke, but quite a few people started messaging me, telling me their scores. My favourite was some fat guy who said he passed and probably wanted to fuck me. I would do it too.
Dude, here's one for #100: what's the meaning of life?
READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/562356452
WHY I LIKE IT:
When it came time for my 100th question, I begged for someone to send something good to celebrate my milestone. I received quite a few, all of which got answered, but nothing could compare to this question really.
In general, I think my answer said it's point and did so without dissing anybody's beliefs. One of my religious friends claimed it was my best answer, and it meant a lot that he understood what I was saying.
The ONLY reason this didn't make the Top 10 is because of the last paragraph. I have no idea how that got in there, and has spoilt the post for me.
AND NOW, MY LEAST FAVOURITE:
Dear J. Please can you clarify the difference between a FAIL, EPIC FAIL and WIN. And can you provide an example of each from your weird yet wonderfully disturbed world? A.N.Other Fan
READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/827350529
WHY I HATE IT:
I took it too seriously. At my work suddenly the words FAIL, EPIC-FAIL and WIN became very important words. We would debate the definition of these terms here, so it was a very serious question to me.
Totally fucked it up, it doesn't have a second of humour in it, it's way too long, and I am so sorry for that.
CONCLUSION
PLEASE ASK ME QUESTIONS, NO MATTER HOW PERSONAL OR DEEP OR RIDICULOUS IT IS: I WILL ANSWER.
Give Jared's life meaning today.
Alright, I know, I know, where the fuck have I been? I am sincerely sorry about my absence lately, things have been a little more intense than I could have expected. And far be it from me to spare you the details of my personal life, I love attention, so here you go:
I met this girl, and it was like crack. I spent every free second I could sending her emails or having drinks with her. For those of you who know me in real life know that when I fall, I FALL. And before I knew it, I was blurting out a bunch of overemotional shit to this poor chick, who naturally, wasn’t quite prepared for the insanity that is me. And fair enough on her part really.
So she was like “errrr” and I was “ummm” and that was that. I totally realised a lot throughout this short process. Relationships and thoughts of one are no good for me. My new plan is much like the old one, and goes like this: stay single until the end of 2011, work my ass off, become really rich and famous , and then fuck every single one of you.
Anyways, I’m back, and I’m gonna attack this shit with my middle fingers blazing now.
Despite all of this, there is stuff to say on the projects:
THE FUNPOWDER PLOT
This is now officially what The Gravystroke is called. If you followed me on Twitter, you would know this. Nevertheless, the project came to a complete stand-still recently as Kris and Ash were in Croatia and Loose was gallivanting around meeting people like Johnny Rotten and such. That said, work on the website has continued and it is looking good. Our next video NITROUS OF THE LIVING DEAD is breathing on the finish line. With a little bit of luck, this will be done in 2 weeks? Further more, there is footage for another film already shot and plans for so many more.
COMING DOWN HAPPY
The third and final song for the EP is probably halfway done musically. I am semi-happy with it, which isn’t really where I want to be. The concept is firming up though, still aiming for an end of year release. This is unlikely. But in the end, I can see where it’s going clearer and clearer, and I like.
JUICE NOTHING
This site makes me sad now. I dunno, I like the homepage, but the blog just feels loose and badly designed. The font sizes even change per article, which I guess is my fault for rushing out a blogger page without really knowing what I was doing. There is also NO SEO whatsoever, which is stupid. So hopefully I will slowly be picking it apart in the up and coming days, which does mean it might look a bit funny at times, please bear with me sweetheart.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog, so Im happy you can now read 10 (more) People You Have To Follow On Twitter. It should be taken very seriously. I know it seems like I have been slacking, but for some reason there was a lot of inner turmoil this blogging round. I originally wrote half of a blog celebrating my one year on Last.Fm, reflecting on the music I had been listening to and how I felt about it. It sucked. So I scrapped it and began a blog on my life and it’s experiences with the Law of Attraction, which I roughly finished but didn’t feel like I wanted to launch it just yet. This does mean it will probably come out very soon. I moved onto this one because it was simple and fun and quick and at least useful, maybe. But I even know what the next few will be.
AUTOBIOGRAPHY
I am about 3 chapters into my autobiography. To be honest, I shouldn’t be working on anything else, I know this is the best thing I’ve got going for me right now. Still going to take a while though, but I have an epic feeling that this is the one. This is the project that will win.
And just remember, if you think I’m dead, check my Twitter. Or ask me on Formspring.
Will call you soon honey-pie.
A while ago I wrote a list of my 10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter (or Tweeple, as they call themselves, which is so terrible I actually want to rub my eyes in shit) and it was lame. The reason is that I was new to Twitter back then, and after some careful evaluation, I realised many of my favourite people were actually very unfunny and less famous than me.
In time, I have got more and more use out of Twitter. I have stopped following stupid celebrities who say nothing of any value. I have stopped following shameless self promoters and internet “gurus” who repeated themselves as if their SEO message is so fucking important. Unfortunately, I do still follow teenagers who talk about how their day went purely because I feel too bad to delete them. Teen life is hard enough as it is, it's a moral thing. But besides that, my feed is relatively streamlined and with this knowledge, I am proud to announce I can waste more of your time with more of this crap.
If you are new to the social disaster scene, I have now equipped you with enough info to have a grand time indeed - you fucking owe me. And if you are an old-school Twitterer, I hope you find some gems in here you didn’t know about. Ha, who am I kidding, I fucking hate you all.
Oh, and of course, I am not so tasteless as to put myself in the list. But I am definitely the best person in the world to follow ever because I will tell you things about things you have never thought of and then you will kill yourself.
The list:
10. Bob Dylan Says
Quotes From The Master
http://twitter.com/BobDylanSays
24,405 Followers
I put this one at the bottom of the list purely because if you don’t like Bob Dylan, then you won’t like this. Then you won’t like me. Then you won’t like burning in hell for having less musical understanding than a piece of wood with a cock drawn on it. You’re an idiot babe.
But if you love Bob like I do, you will know that he is the greatest lyricist pretty much ever. And you will want to be reminded of this hourly. And that's how this works: every hour on the hour, a bot tweets a line from a Dylan song. It does this until it completes a song and then randomly picks another one. It’s a great way to show respect to the man's genius and recall the classics your daddy listened to. Did I tell you I saw him live? Yeah, I did.
Recent Tweets:
Then they'll kill him with self-confidence
To her, death is quite romantic
A perfect image of a priest
09. Cat Bin Lady
Internet Celebrity
http://twitter.com/CatBinLady
29,758 Followers
Recently-ish a video surfaced of a very messed up lady who threw a cat in the bin, which you can see here. Now no matter how weird you are (and I know you are), one can't help feel a little disturbed by this. And to me the most disturbing thing of it all is that it has sky-rocketed this crazy lady to infamy based on 10 seconds of her life. Is that how easy it is? Fuck, I would've done this a long time ago.
This Twitter account is not actually the real Cat Bin Lady, who I believe has been put into protection because PETA and bestiality enthusiasts are trying to kill her. However, this fake account is a fantastic stream into what I think her mind would be like: fucked. It hardly ever fails, and she only follows Kanye West, so her street cred is impeccable.
Recent Tweets:
Just passed a shoe shop. Threw one of the sample shoes outside on top of a bus. Why do I do these things?
Just kicked the head off next door's gnome. For a joke. Who's laughing now though? Not me. Not me.
Whatever I put in Brenda's pocket has set off the store alarm in W.H.Smiths. Bit busy, so I've asked the men to tell her I'll see her later.
08. Funny One Liners
Short Quotes
http://twitter.com/funnyoneliners
132,871 Followers
I’ll be honest, this profile is 70% cheese. But I read them all because (1) I have nothing better to do; and (2) Now and again, I laugh out loud.
It’s just as the name says, no gimmicks, no lies. Nothing but funny one-liners which are generally wholesome enough for the entire family to gather around and read to eachother. They also follow people back and actually READ what people are saying, retweeting the good ones. And every night before I go to bed, I pray that one day they will retweet something I say. Although, I might completely ruin the whole “wholesome” thing I mentioned earlier.
Recent Tweets:
A cheap shot can still get you drunk.
I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
"I drive like lightening." "You drive fast?" "No. I hit trees."
07. Paul Keely
The Final Boss Of The Internet
http://twitter.com/PaulKeely
62 Followers
The Man The Legend. This is a special one because I actually know this guy in real life, and it’s criminal how few people follow him. I heard a rumour once that he invented the internet or something. I also know for a fact he kills small animals for fun, but they just can't catch him. Regardless, his stream reflects this in everyway possible.
There is nothing but the fucking funniest images you are ever likely to see in your life. Occasionally they have descriptions, more often they don’t, but you are never quite sure what you are getting into until it’s too late. It could be a cute kitten in a box. It could be a tranny with a bottle up her ass. You just never know. Either way, let Paul filter the net for you, follow him if you want to destroy your life.
Recent Tweets:
http://yfrog.com/5y1cbtj
http://yfrog.com/2tgrpoj
http://yfrog.com/eiuvmj
06. We Fail
Bitter Web-Designer
http://twitter.com/wefail
1,114 Followers
Martin Wefail is part of the We Fail team. They make really fucking A-Grade websites for products like Eminem to Mail Order Chickens. Boring right? Totally. Luckily he has a lot to say, and generally does it in the "I hate everything, especially everyone" kind of style. And this is something we can all relate to.
Just quickly, his partner is Jordan Wefail, who is also worthy of a follow. He often is waaay too overshadowed by Martin, and his Tweets seem to get funnier and funnier over time. Like old age. Or decomposition.
Admittedly, it’s probably funniest for people who know a bit about the internet. And that includes me, because I know fucking everything, ask anyone.
Recent Tweets:
There's nothing I hate in life more than life itself.....well, apart from iTunes that is.
Remember kids, try to please all of your clients, all of the time. They are always right.
I have bought a dangerous dog to make up for the shortcomings of my really tiny penis.
05. Street View Funny
The Inevitable Result Of Google Street View
http://twitter.com/streetviewfunny
1,836 Followers
Street View is pretty much in the top 3 most impressive things Google has ever done, behind maybe Gmail and, well, Google. And as we all know, life is pretty funny in itself. So when a giant car is driving round every street in certain areas and taking 360 shots of it’s surroundings, we are bound to find some things. That’s where this page comes in.
These guys scour the "streets" for anything out of the ordinary and then put it out for the world to see. THE ONLY FUCKING SHIT THING is that every link they post doesn’t immediately work for me, which is ridiculous, and puts them much further down the list. But if you just go to the homepage of http://www.streetviewfunny.com each time they post, you can relax and feel your anger slipping away. It’s a great idea that I didn't think of, and they put a bit of effort into it, so there you go guys - number 5. Congrats, I'm sure you care a lot.
Recent Tweets:
Baby left alone on a British pavement - http://tinyurl.com/2bepucx c/o Google Street View - Who would leave their baby out like this?
Google Maps Street View Captures An African Man Urinating - http://tinyurl.com/2aye8zy
Hilarious - The Top Ten Kisses Captured by Google Street View http://goo.gl/WNJv
04. Gary J Busey
Actor. A Fake One.
http://twitter.com/GaryJBusey
137,298 Followers
Gary Busey is a famous actor and director, known for his quirkiness, heavy drug addiction and some crazy sex stories. This is not Gary Busey.
But this is THE fake Gary J Busey, and it is pretty much the perfect adaptation that you would want him to be. Or how you would want anyone to be, maybe. I mean, this guy gets Retweeted out of his ass, almost as much as people like Lily Allen or Britney Spears - who get 100+ Retweets just by saying "Good Morning". Gary on the other hand, talks about sex in the most beautifully vulgar way non-stop, which makes me feel naughty and happy inside. It's balls out funny, make no mistake.
Recent Tweets:
#Howtoruinsex Wake up in the middle of it.
I want to hit midgets with ukuleles.
Does it still make me a bedwetter if the bed isn't mine and I'm awake?
03. Bypass Fan Pages
Fight Facebook Terrorism
http://twitter.com/BypassFanPages
1,141 Followers
This page is a life saver to me, especially cos I intravenously shoot up Facebook for breakfast. Ok, so you know those ANNOYING pages that require you to Like something just to see the content? That is what I call "Facebook Terrorism". Do not fall for it. Do not trust it. Be smarter than that. They are all spammy scams to get permissions from you and con you to invite all of your friends. They will give you one little picture and then sneak into your house at night and rape you. True story.
Allow this Twitter feed to get raped for you. Hell, it even allows you to comment directly on the content, which is nice of them to set up. It also tells you which ones are surveys or not, so you no longer have to sell your opinion for a split second Lol. Even better: you end up seeing many of the pages you normally wouldn’t notice because your friends are hopefully smart enough not to click the dirty things. It’s useful, doesn’t waste time, and I click it everytime I see it. Did I sell it enough for you there?
Recent Tweets:
OMG! Look What this American Teacher did to this Student for goofing off http://bfp.bz/jqlzg
WOW, This GUY Went A Little Too Far WITH His REVENGE On His EX GIRLFRIEND! http://bfp.bz/ahsze
Cheerleaders so Hot They Had to Be Banned http://bfp.bz/xrfzd
02. OMGFacts
Tweets For The Brain
http://twitter.com/OMGFacts
1,042,109 Followers
These guys are actually fairly new but have climbed the social ladder with such fury based purely on the amazing content they churn out daily. It's got to the point that if you don't follow them, you know nothing about anything. The concept is exactly what the concept says: daily facts that make you go OMG. They are also presented in such great neat ways, with links to pictures, sources, and a bunch of other details. It’s fun for the whole family and educational, so even your hot daughter can have a good time with it.
These guys also do GivesMeHope (which I lurve) and other super rad internet thingies. They are young people too and deserve all the attention anybody can possibly give them for their brilliant efforts. Hell, you even get specialised streams of OMGFactsSex and OMGcelebfacts, and really - what else do you need in life besides more information you can banter about at the pub? That's what I thought.
Recent Tweets:
Your hair is all DEAD! Details --> http://bit.ly/aJ3h8z
Pigs are considered to be SMARTER than 3-year-old human children! What can pigs do? --> http://bit.ly/c38Fyr.
Lightning strikes the earth approximately 8,640,00 times per day. That makes for 100 lightning strikes PER SECOND!
01. BestWorstAdvice
Bad Advice
http://twitter.com/BestWorstAdvice
50,558 Followers
And here it is: my unchallenged favourite Twitter account forever and ever (for right now).
As like any good entry in this list, the name says it all. It’s advice for your day to day life. Really good advice that would never ever work and probably send you directly to jail, lose all your friends, and leave you addicted to drugs with an STD.
I laugh at least once a day at these guys, which is more than Facebook and YouTube on a bad day. I have no idea who is sitting on the other side of the web pulling this shit out of their ass, but I would buy them a beer.
Unfortunately, nothing I say here would do it any justice, I feel unfunny just by talking about them. Follow already unless you are easily offended, in which case, you really shouldn't be on my blog in the first place.
Recent Tweets:
What would Jesus do? Get stoned then hammered.
Concerned about global warming? Lower the A/C temperature.
Men: Want maintain an erection longer? Tape popsicle sticks to the sides of your penis.
Hey, hows it going?
As most people who follow me know (yes, I am talking to the five of you) I shut down Art-Pulp. The decision came to me in the middle of a heavy late-night binge, and it made extreme sense until I woke up the next day. I couldn’t believe I could think such things, since all the other Juices had pretty much died, it was all I had left.
But then as I continued to update it, I realised that the seed had been planted and I just simply had to let it go. It will free up so much needed time that I can focus on projects that are original and focused, not a shitty Art-Site that was built using tables and had zero SEO value whatsoever. For more on this, check the site.
The Gravy Stroke is not called The Gravy Stroke anymore, I think. Certain members weren’t happy with the name and that is their right, so we have begun the painful and rigorous process of trying to all agree on a new one. We have a few ideas. Regardless, this hasn’t stop the train going full force as our first short feature Nitrous Of The Living Dead is very close to the finish line, plus we shot a ton of footage for a music video by False Flags. Editing has begun, haven’t seen much of it but I know it will be ill.
Coming Down Happy has been somewhat slow. I have a loop for 2 separate songs, the concept and lyrics are coming together, but I was hoping a lot more would’ve happened by now. To help this along, I am rereading Scar Tissue by Anthony Kiedis for the sixth time, and expect that familiar burning desire to kick in any second now.
I am also about a quarter way through the rough of a new blog, hopefully get it done next week?
Finally, I have started my autobiography. Was planning to only begin next year, but it just makes sense to start now. I know this may sound boring, but I am 75% sure that this will be the thing to push my fame/infamy to the next level.
Also, go check out my formspring, it’s going crazy lately.
Much love, thanks for reading.
Jared
Life is starting to make a lot of sense to me.
It’s like I have been lost in a desert. But now I can see something in the distance. I’m squinting as hard as I can, but it is a very blurry, shiny mess. But it’s there. Visible. Attainable.
I am walking towards it, and the sense that it is becoming more focused and definite sends electric bubbles to my stomach. It’s waiting for me. It’s waiting for all of us. And we’re all going to get there.
I think you’re all great anyway.
Nobodies perfect though. I ordered a book about Cubase from Amazon, but those stupid fucks messed it up. NEVER go through Home Delivery Network. They are so stupid, their excuse was “well, we probably left it outside your front-door and it got stolen”. Uhm, dude, I live in Hackney, it’s amazing my front-door is still there. Anyways, as soon as I get that, Coming Down Happy FULL FORCE.
More exciting though is The Gravy Stroke. We recently shot our fourth and first official short-film “Nitrous Of The Living Dead”, and it is nearly edited to perfection. It looks fantastic and will be done very soon. We have ideas coming out of our asses, I am surrounded by such amazingness, the website is being discussed quickly.
Art-Pulpitations saw new work from Natalie Rose and The Freewheelin’ Troubadour. I have soooo many pieces just waiting to go up, I am overloaded, might take a while to catchup.
Finally, I just wrote a blog titled: How To Get Away With Saying Anything On The Internet. It’s educational.
It’s so easy to update this blog, I will do often.
The full name of this article is:
How To Get Away With Saying Anything On The Internet Without Being Anonymous, Because Anonymous Internet Trolls Can’t Take A Punch And Masturbate Too Much.
There is a reason for the internet. It is so we can all puke our guts out, take up virtual space and waste people’s precious online time. And it is also here so we can inspect other people’s puke. And soon we begin to notice that some people have a much higher quality of puke than others, and we may continue to inspect theirs for longer periods of time.
I puke a lot. All over Twitter, all over Facebook, all over domain names I own, all over domain names I don’t. If you think this is bad you should hear how I talk in real life. And very often I have been known to say some things that have raised some questions and sometimes got me in trouble pretty badly. Sent to sit in the corner and what-not. That’s because I like to talk about people in front of everyone else, including the person I am talking about. I love to talk about sex and violence and blasphemy because that’s what I want everyone else to talk about. But in time, I have had to find sneaky and clever ways to do so, with excuses already in place and just skimming the radar. And now I am sharing this shit onto you, because at the end of the day, I’m not that bad of a guy really. Really.
Shed your self-consciousness, get ready to liberate yourself and puke on everything you want to in front of anyone else.
Method 1: The Michael Jackson "Bunny Ears"
Overview: Put everything you say in "quotation marks".
You should view quotation marks as pillows on either side of your punches. Because people like pillows, but are too quick to forget that they are being smothered and suffocated, a very popular method of murder to this day.
Let me give you an example:
A man named Paul Chambers was ordered to pay a £385 fine, a £15 victims surcharge and £600 costs due to a very expensive joke under 140 characters long. That’s right, the 26 year old vented his airport frustrations to his 600 followers via Twitter with the following remark:
Cunt! Robin Hood Airport is closed. You've got a week and a bit to get your shit together, otherwise I'm blowing the airport sky high!
Now, these days people take airport threats very seriously, the law got wind of the blurb, and the shit hit the fan. Perhaps the reaction was a little extreme, but I promise you that he would have had a better case in court if he had just said:
“Cunt! Robin Hood Airport is closed. You've got a week and a bit to get your shit together, otherwise I'm blowing the airport sky high!”
Notice the punctuation? Now who said it? Did he say it? Surely if he put quotations on his own update, it basically means anyone else had said it besides himself. Fuck, he could’ve heard it on the TV, read it on the net or even heard it from a coworker.
Of course, if you wanted to say that exact status right now, you could say:
“Cunt! Robin Hood Airport is closed. You've got a week and a bit to get your shit together, otherwise I'm blowing the airport sky high!” - Paul Chambers
It is my understanding that Mr. Chambers has been banned from said airport. But I’m sure he got a ton more followers.
You want to take it up a notch? Check out this example (click for the full thing):
Alllllright, so some of my statuses are heavy. But this is major hectic. Saying something like this is just asking for a bunch of trouble, so in a small way, respect to the guy. But if you wanted to talk about your desire to sleep with an infant, you shouldn't blurt it out unprotected. Here is how you do it: use your Bunny Ears, and then add a little extra l33t-speak-pillow on the end, like this:
“I wonder what it would be like to fuck a baby, just image how tight it would be lol” - OMGWTF!?!?!
You see, now you are quoting someone else AND expressing disapproval. Once the readers understand what you are talking about, they will probably just respond in much the same way you ended your Tweet. And you can agree “yeah, messed up hey”, and then laugh.
Although these (extreme) examples are actual quotes and you probably don't want to say such things, using this technique you can express WHATEVER you want. It neatly passes the blame onto someone else easily and effortlessly. Even if that person doesn’t exist and you have to make them up, it doesn’t matter. Seriously, think of the WORST thing you could ever say, apply the above method, get off without a scratch. Job done.
Method 2: The Gary Glitter Scapegoat
Overview: Hide behind song lyrics.
This one is in much the same vain, and has a few easy-to-use angles.
One way is to quote actual real song lyrics, and with all the Hip-hop and the Death Metal in the world, it won’t be hard finding the right song that says everything you desire. Kind of of like Hallmark meets Scat Porn.
Take a look at these, the worst examples I could think of off hand:
I'll tear chunks from your pussy. Red and wet. Mangled unborn baby.
I'll put Anthrax on your Tampax and slap you till you can't stand. Girl you just blew your chance.
I Didnt Even Touch Her So I Cant Be Blamed. 5 Year Old Pantyshot In My Brain. My Life Has Meaning When She Spreads Her Legs.
Lyrics 1: Devourment - Baby KillerLyrics 2: Eminem - SupermanLyrics 3: Mindless Self Indulgence - Pantyshot
Once again, there is a good chance you wouldn’t want to ever say anything like this, but you get my point. These are actual song lyrics, and anyone with a little bit of google time will find that these are legit once you tell them. “It’s just really hectic song lyrics, calm down”.
However, be warned, it can backfire. I once had this girlfriend and I changed my status to Marilyn Manson's User Friendly, which goes:
I’m not in love, but I’m gonna fuck you ‘til somebody better comes along.
Within an hour, our relationship status had been terminated by her without warning. I was cool with it though. If she couldn't handle that, she wasn’t going to dig the group anal sex I had planned for that evening.
Now, of course, there is an even easier way. Don’t look for lyrics at all. Seriously, just say whatever you want and then just claim they are song lyrics. If you’re clever, make it rhyme or poetic, like:
Do you remember what we did on your daddy’s bed when we were kids?
Stupid slut think she can fight, but I will prove her wrong tonight
I’ve seen those photos your penis while I was peering through your PC last evening
All of these were made on the spot. Can you tell? Regardless, this method is great because you can almost get cocky about it if people give you shit. Just say something like “um, it’s a Snoop Dogg* song actually, you do know Snoop Dogg don’t you??” And then the person will feel embarrassed and uneducated and is probably too stupid to use google to split your lie anyway.
* - Snoop Dogg could be traded for any given artist, but just try tailor it specifically towards something that people have heard about but probably don’t know very well. Like: Neil Young, Dimmu Borgir or Sonic Youth.
Finally, the BEST thing about this method EVER is that you can even use it after you realised you would get into trouble. When I was a bit younger, I once facebooked something which was obviously about a certain girl. In some poetic way I can’t remember, I called her a bitch and explained how it was no surprise people always break-up with her. Total wanker, yeah, but I was on drugs at the time. I received a very angry email from her and things weren't looking good. I thought quickly, told her to chill, said it was a Radiohead song, and the whole thing blew over. LOLZ. I don’t do that kind of thing anymore.
Method 3: MacGyver's Lock System
Overview: Encode what you say.
This one is higher grade. It's slightly difficult, and generally stands more as an in-joke than anything else. It is best suited for those of you who are chicken-shit in nature but still want to get stuff out into the open as a form of release.
It’s all about hiding what you are trying to say in one way or another under a disguise. The most popular way? Different languages.
Just go to Babel Fish, type in your English phrase and then pick the language you want. Whah-lah, you have a status update that 95% of people will be waaay too lazy to re-translate, even if they know how. However, rest assured that the only people who will translate it will be the same people you don’t want to.
Besides this, there are many other ways that I’m sure you can figure out for yourself. One is to use the first letters of words to spell out something funny or contradictory. For example:
Jesus Overdosed, Killed Enduring Syphilis :(
= JOKES
Let’s Overview the Vaginal Excrement
= LOVE
Even though people may still be upset, they will most likely laugh once you point out that there is smarts to your disgusting ways, making you sound advanced and possibly getting you off the hook.
This goes on forever, and depends how deep you want to go. Anagrams for example:
"I have a large penis! please her vagina!"
“What did you say??”
“Look, the two sentences are made up of the same letters!”
“Oh, I see, you are actually very clever and I am worried that if I question you any further I may look stupid”
"WOMAN HITLER!"
“That’s not funny! How can you be so sexist?”
“No, it’s an anagram for MOTHER IN LAW, see?”
“Oh, that is funny, sorry”
Make your own here:
Wordsmith's Anagram Generator
Palindromes:
Dog food lid: dildo of God!
As I pee, sir, I see Pisa!
“Wtf, you on about Jared?”
“It’s the same letters backwards! Look!"
“Oh, palindromes! Do you want to fuck me sometime?”
HIDE BEHIND LITERACY!
There are many other examples, you can use almost all of these in one way or another:
Wikipedia's Forms Of Word Play
The final way of hiding which works (especially if you want to attack someone directly but discreetly just to get it out of your system) is if you cover a message over a few different sites. For example maybe:
On Buzz:
I just want to say one thing in the world to my boss...
Then on Facebook:
And the one thing in the world is...
On Twitter:
You are the ugliest woman I have ever seen.
Only your closest friends will get it. And they may laugh. But to be honest, if you are doing it this way, you might as well just write in Morse-Code or something.
Method 4: Leatherface's Merciless Hacking
Overview: Play The Victim. Destroy Everything.
If all else fails, you can pull out the biggest gun of all. Unfortunately, more than likely you will only be able to use this once, and it’s difficult to pull off properly. Advanced shit my friends.
It’s the age-old “Ah, fuck, my friend hi-jacked my facebook! Thanks a lot you cunt!” You just pull this out of the bag directly after you say something way too extreme to take responsibility for. It’s not your fault, somebody facefucked you.
This works especially well if you manage to get a friend in on it too. Get said friend to comment back “Hahaha, raped you dude”. If you are purposefully aiming at an individual, just make sure the two people involved aren’t friends. And then you can just say to the victim: “No, I did mention to him/her that we had an argument. He/She obviously thought it was funny to post that, which it wasn’t”. And then you owe your buddy one.
Alternatively, you can actually hack someone's account if you manage to spot one unguarded (which happens so fucking often, let’s face it). Use it to directly attack someone else or say something that could cause massive trouble. The poor schmuck will get all the blame and you will laugh to yourself, and then burn in hell.
I have done some HORRIFIC things to facebook profiles left open at Internet-Cafes, and I feel a bit wrong about it. But I do believe that I taught them an important lesson about logging out of things on public computers.
And finally,
Method 5: The George W. Bush
Overview: Stop giving a fuck.
Just remember: If you tailor your updates to fit into people’s opinion of things, you are no better than an underground band who waters down songs for radio. It's about fucking integrity. Be proud of who you are and what you have to say. SHOUT IT OUT, WHATEVER YOU LIKE. Some people will stop listening to you, sure, but you will be happy to notice which are the people who stick around with you and still find you funny.
And nothing you can EVER say will convince the whole world to exclude you. Believe me - I’ve tried.
Fuck yeah. So welcome to the new Juice Nothing, please, make yourself at home. Allow me to point out a few very important differences that you should become aware of.
First of all: you may have noticed that you are on a Blogger page. All articles and news updates will now be put here. The reason for this is that I can smack updates out much faster and you can even comment on them.
The next thing is the fancy-schmancy home page on the official site http://www.JuiceNothing.com which now displays any updates from all the projects I am working on. This will get updated fucking often, so if you are one of the rare people who actually like everything I do, this is why this website was made.
Something you might not have noticed is all the stuff behind the scenes. It is the most friendly site I have ever coded, and includes stuff you've heard of like PHP, JQuery, CSS driven Divs, JavaScript, Flash and other stuff. It is also PISS easy for me to update.
Other sections include The Juices (details on current projects); Not Juices (other stuff I have around the net); and The Future (details on the projects you can expect soon). I have also decided to write a new blog-article monthly, expect one soon.
I hope you enjoy your stay, follow me on Twitter to get updates faster than all your friends.
In other news: We just had our 1-year Art-Pulpitations birthday. To celebrate, we got our best artists to submit new stuff, turned out to be the best month ever. Now that it is over, Joshua Dusk is out July Artist Of The Month, while Frank Moody's Flies on Dogfood is our piece of the month. It's all so good, damn.
I also met Lily Allen while I was remaking the site, so Help Jared Woods Meet Lily Allen is OVER. This means I have more time, which will look like this: The Gravy Stroke will be the next project. It is a series of short films, a collaborative effort between a lot of talent. You wouldn't believe how close we are.
Coming Down Happy is also building up momentum fast.
I feel like something is about to happen.
