Writer's Blog

Lately I have been bitching and moaning a lot. My main whine has been focused on the fact that I seem to have hit some kind of a creative block with my face. The reasons behind this are debatable, but for dramatic effect (and probably the most likely scenario) I'll say it's because I have become way too comfortable in my own life. I am still residing in The East Village with good mates, so my home life is happy (more on this later). My room is even clean more often than not, which is unusual. My weekends are filled with a ton of social debauchery and antisocial activities, which somehow doesn’t negatively affect my 9-5 job. Speaking of my job itself, it is also going very well, thanks for asking. It’s my one year at Dennis Publishing in about 2 months which flew by crazy fast. My sex life is finally existent and regular after God knows how long - sometimes it even happens sober! I feel healthier than ever, and I look at myself in the mirror all the time just to make sure of it. These add up to a very happy and above-average existence indeed.

But my personal work is suffering, and I definitely attribute this to all of the above. It was a seriously sad realisation that perhaps I need drama and conflict in my day to day just to birth inspiration. I guess this applies to many artists and writers around the world, it’s just the twisted nature of productive minds. More than anything, I realised, is that I lack an enemy. The majority of my work (sorry to say) has been nothing more than a weapon designed to fight some person or another, my need to prove something to someone who deserves to be humiliated publicly. But since I have made peace or completely stopped giving a fuck about certain individuals, my creativity has hit a brick wall. Nothing could be more tragic for me as this is obviously the most important aspect of my life. So what could I do? I sat in my own misery feeling sorry for myself for a long time, pondering exactly what the solution to this problem would be short of purposefully messing my current content lifestyle around. And I think I worked it out.

I must stop bitching and moaning and get on with it.

With that in mind, this is where the Juices stand:

COMING DOWN HAPPY
This is where the problem really lies. I kept trying to tackle Song3, and have never felt so frustrated in my life over writing a song. It was becoming forced, and even worse, has gone through so many changes that I have essentially written 5 different songs here, none of which make me happy enough. I did figure out the problem though, it was an epiphany that occurred deep within a K-hole where The Beatles told me that I was making music for the wrong reasons. I was trying so hard to make the most epically perfect song according to what I believed other people would want, and as a result, I sucked all natural vibes from the process. So on that note I am (a) starting a new song, the approach being to completely plagiarise other peoples works; and (b) not touching this project until 2011. I expect an October launch at best, and even though I know no one cares, it at least proves that I will not be releasing something shit. Trust me, it is so ambitious that you’ll quit drinking coffee.

THE FUNPOWDER PLOT
Since last update, a new video for the Freewheelin' in Monument Valley fundraiser gig showed up. This came along with the chance to download said book by The Freewheelin’ Troubadour for FREE, with the simple trade of your email address. Which we think is fair enough. Other news is that Kris, Ammr and Ash have been working hard on the music video for The Yes Men - Future Calling, which can be previewed here.

You may have noticed that none of this has anything to do with me, so I intend to jump head first into the next project as deep as I can, and we have a ton of ideas ready to be worked on, some even expected before the end of year. I am toying with the idea of directing my first short too, and I have a cartoon idea which will probably be launched through this site if I have the time ever.

Finally, and probably the most influential news on The Plot, Jonathan Loose Agent 23 ran away to try and take over Austria again. We forgive him as he has promised to return after 6 months to get busy again, so while he will be missed greately, he has in no way lost the plot. This has made the vibe a bit different in The East Village, but Jon is known for disappearing for months at a time, so we all await eagerly for his return by keeping ourselves busy.

FORMSPRING
I am taking a break from Formspring for who-knows-how-long, max until next year. I just need a break, apologies to the 15 questions rotting in the Inbox, when I answer them they will come out in one massive load. Feel free to ask more, I will be back on it soon.

JUICE NOTHING
Ok, so this is where it’s all at motherfuckers.

By the time you read this, a new blog called 20 Hottest Girls Ever (according to me) will have been launched. It is definitely the most light-hearted joke kind of blog I’ve done for a while, and more than likely for a long time to come. Try keep your pants on, but enjoy it however you see fit.

The rest of 2010 will be focused solely on writing. I will have 2 more blogs up by the end of the month. Yes, you read it right, that’s 3 blog entries in 1 month.
The first will be launched around the 15th Dec, and will be my Top Music Albums from 2010. This has been very in-depth and stressful for me to write, I still have miles to go, but I promise it will be educational and something for me to be proud of.
The second will be the sequel to “Dear 2009”, fittingly called “Dear 2010”, which will summarize my entire year focusing on my projects, the year in music, celebrities and my personal life. The last blog like this got a lot of attention, and this one will be even better. Some nice closure to the year by anyone’s standards.

In January 2011, I have an extra fucking special blog planned. It will be the first of its kind with many more like it to come. I’m excited.

I am also writing something else which is super secret but will keep you posted on that. No, it’s not my autobiography which has also come to a halt for this year.

If I’m not back soon, have a fucking good Xmas and New Years guys, please don’t die. And don’t wait up for me either. Remember: keep your pretty eyes on my Twitter for the new blog announcements and anything Funpowder related.

Much Love!
Your Friend In Christ,
Jareds



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20 Hottest Girls Ever (according to me)

Much like anything else in the Juice Nothing world, this list could never be perfect. This is merely a snapshot of my current tastes, subject to change whenever I fucking want it to, and only accurately representing the right-now of how I feel based on some criteria. The main prerequisite was that the following 20 girls have been on my mind more than most, whether it be recently or ever since that dark day I hit puberty. This means that most of the research I did on the topic and most of the suggestions my friends put forward generally meant nothing. Another influence on my choices was to avoid repetition. That means that there are many other girls who fairly should be included, but were purposefully left out to avoid too many top 40 popstars or blondes with implants or any other such broad category. Finally, it would be far too predictable for me to include the deserving faces of, say, Britney Spears or Pamela Anderson or Lizzie Murphy or someone else equally as obvious, and so for that reason I have steered slightly from what would be expected as best I can. Agree or disagree with me, fuck off, this is my taste, and it tastes like this:

20. Marilyn Monroe

"I don't want to make money, I just want to be wonderful."
Coming out swinging. This list would be irrelevant without Ms Monroe for a multitude of reasons. For starters, she is the ruler of all female entertainment icons, and any article with such a bold title would be tasteless without her inclusion. She is the biggest legend female superstar in history - fact. Further more, her style is instantly recognizable, so whilst I don't think she is the hottest lady that ever existed, I would be more celeb-shocked to meet her than any other female figure. Because, you know, she's dead. Not only that, but it's a total win that her death was so mysterious and runs rampant with conspiracy theories - every girl should be so lucky. And finally, I feel that including Marilyn knocks out the need for people like Scarlett Johansen or Charlize Theron or Naomi Watts or Gwen Stefani or other such blonde bombshells off of this list, because they don't have shit on this bitch.

19. Tara Reid

"Why is partying and having a good time bad?"
There was a stage in the mid 2000s where no girl made me feel the way that Tara did. It was her face that really got me, in a way I can't accurately describe except by maybe screaming "LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT!" at my TV screen everyday. Her smile just beams sunshine, whether she is having promo shots for her portfolio done or whether she is just getting off her tits drunk in front of the tabloid cameras. Yes, her résumé is generally laughable. Yes, botch surgery has left her stomach looking like a bowl of wet paper and her ass like a fat granny's face. It's a goddamn shame. But once upon a time, she owned my day-to-day thought process, and I would still love to buy her a beer and take her home.

18. Kim Petras

"I have always felt like a woman."
This is me trying to be funny and a complete dick. But ask any red blooded male to look at this girl, and they will all admit that she is hot. She is 18 years old at the time I write this, and everyone loves 18 year olds because it is acceptable, albeit barely. She creates her very own electronic dance music on a German record label, and everyone loves music chicks. But more than anything, what really keeps Kim above the rest of these entries is that her original name was Tim. That's right, she was in fact born a boy. The youngest boy in medical history to change her physical gender ever. So if you were mid-wank whilst reading this post, you are officially gay, congrats. I still totally would.

17. Olsen Twins

"We had to decide: Do we want to do Saturday Night or go to our Senior Prom? We opted for Saturday Night Live."
If there was only one Olsen in existence, there would be no way in hell she would make this list. However, in the media and the general public these girls are delivered in one big package, which makes them double as hot. In all honesty, if I could make out with one specific entry in this blog, it would them. The reasons should be fairly obvious: it would be twice as fun, a thousand times more morally wrong and inevitably a more valuable story I could sell to the media. God bless fantasy, Amen.

16. Liz Vicious

"Favorite position? Bent over a pillow or the arm of a chair from behind with a fist full of my hair."
Whilst researching for this blog and looking at countless pictures of hot girls, a weird thing kept happening to me. I'd find myself venturing deeper and deeper into images of ladies who were more willing to wear less and less clothing. Weird huh? Anyway, as unexplainable as this was, I did manage to stumble upon Liz Vicious, who prides herself as being this teenage goth chick whilst allowing men to ejaculate inside of her vagina. If there was a pornstar party, all the other pornstars would bitch about her behind her back and call her names whilst feeling sorry for themselves. I must say that unfortunately Liz does irritate me in her interviews, but luckily I generally only see her with a cock in her mouth which keeps her quiet. For these reasons I will be spending much more time with her in the future, and it was a pleasure to introduce the two of you.

15. Emma Bunton

"If you haven't got it, you've got to fake it, man."
And here's the funny thing: most boy-people I know that are my age would never agree with this one. "There are much hotter girls" they might say. But if you shoved them back into their early teens, just about the time they were becoming interested in girls, they were all frantically scouring the net on their 56K dial-up for naked pictures of their favourite spice girl, praying to God that the lesbian sex-tape rumours were true. My favourite was (shamefully) Posh Spice without a doubt, but in modern time she has repulsed me with her locust like body and lack of any talent. Baby Spice, on the other hand, was always the cutest cotton-candy member of the group. She not only managed to keep her looks looking, but also released my favourite post-spice song "Maybe" all by herself. Face it, if you don't fancy her now, you did once upon a time. A lot. Just like everyone else.

14. Vikki Blows

"When I'm in the shower home alone, I'm always scared someone's gonna break in and kill me."
Despite what a few of you might think, I didn't really consider anyone's suggestions when it came to this list - most of it was set in stone already. Sorry. That is, except for Vikki Blows. This glamour model was suggested to me by Oolex via Twitter with a link to one of the most beautiful Google Image searches I have ever pasted my eyes on. In short, I fell in love for the first time that day and promptly engraved her face into my memory. I will also refrain from using any puns involving her surname, but yeah, I'm sure you do Vikki. I'm sure you do well.

13. Lindsay Lohan

"It`s flattering that people want to know so much about me and want to take the time to make up that many things about me."
I can already feel so many of you shaking your heads at this entry, so why don't you just stop fucking doing that right now. Lindsay represents the real party girl out there. This bitch would skip every queue at any club, start chatting to the most famous person in the room and end up out-drinking and out-snorting everyone in the venue. It's that type of self-destructive behaviour that I find so inviting, and I want in. I know she's probably cleaned up a little bit in recent days, but I love her image and her look so much that I used to make photoshop collages of her all day instead of doing my work. Fuck Paris or Tara or Britney, this is my favourite train wreck.

12. Natalie Portman

"If you're an actress or a musician, everyone thinks you're hot."
There is this silly debate going on between some guys over who is hotter: Keira Knightly or Natalie Portman. I think the main basis for this dispute is that they look exactly-the-fucking-same. Regardless, Natalie Portman does it for me a lot more than Keira in many ways. Maybe it's her character's sluttitude in Closer. Maybe it's her convincing eccentricity in Garden State. Maybe it's the fact that she can pull off a shaved head. Maybe it's her explicit rap with The Lonely Island. Maybe it's all of these things, but really, it's because she is super fine to the degree of fuck. This can be proven beyond a doubt when you consider that my friends suggested her more than any other girl for this blog. So you guys like her then, huh?

11. Lily Allen

"I've actually broken up with boyfriends for inspiration."
Blah blah blah, yes I'm "That Lily Allen Guy" or whatever, bane of my fucking existence. And it is because of this that I wanted to avoid putting her on this list all together. But let's face it: it would be far too obvious and too much of a statement to exclude her after everything that has happened. The fact of the matter is that she is so fucking hot, I made a website just to meet her. So what else can I really say? Well, there are a few things, such as: she is stylish and fashionable completely in her own way, makes proper good music, has a killer attitude and loves the internet. All of which add up to the reasons why I wasted so much of my spare 2010 time devoted to her, and also why I will meet her again one day. You'll see. I'm not creepy.

10. Alison Lohman

"I can cry on cue to get out of a traffic ticket. That's happened at least three times."
They say when you meet the love of your life, time stops. And that's true. What they don't tell you is that once time starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up. And when I finally awoke from my first ever epileptic fit, it was night-time and Big Fish had just finished on TV. That's when I knew Alison was more than just a girl. She was a demon who devoured little boy's souls and left them with nothing more than an erection and wet patch on the bed. You wouldn't think so just by looking at her face though, right? She's gorgeous.

09. Yo-Landi Visser

"I'm saving up to get latex whiskers implanted into the sides of my mouth."
I don't want to kick sand in a Ninja's face, but I would love to spend a little bit of time alone with Yo-Landi. Just to talk, you must understand, I don't think I could handle zef so fresh. Despite what all the new age Waddy/Die Antwoord fans will tell you, they are married, which was common knowledge on the streets of Cape Town a few years ago no matter what they claim now. But I don't care, I'm sorry Max, your lady has eyes instead of nipples and that's poes fancy m'bru.

08. Debbie Harry

"I don't mind if my skull ends up on a shelf as long as it's got my name on it."
Of all these entries, I would put money on the fact that Blondie is the most talented. Given, there are many greater female artists (depending on who you talk to) who have achieved much more, but how many are as good looking as Deborah? None? That's what I thought. I've even written a blog about the fact that her band are the only artists in history to have had a number 1 single in the 70's, 80's and 90's. She was also once a Playboy bunny. You know anyone else like this? No? That's what I thought. She's super old now, sure, but I still would. She deserves the experience.

07. Gauge

"Do you want me to swallow it?"
Me and Gauge go way back. We have spent many late nights together, usually her with a cock in every single one of her holes, whilst my cock is just in my hand. The thing is, I love her, and I am not jealous when I watch her get fucked up her ass whilst she does a handstand. I would still do borderline illegal things to her without wearing a condom, because that is how much I care for her. In fact, I am pretty sure I have had more wanks over this girl than any other girl in the world. Not to mention that she was the first girl I saw get facefucked until she puked - and you just don't forget those types of things. In summary: she is very special to me and she always will be. Unfortunately, pictures don't really do her justice, you're going to have take my word and YouPorn it for full effect.

06. Emma Watson

"I get sent Bibles. I have a collection of about 20 in my room. People think I need to be guided."
I liked Emma Watson before I was legally allowed to tell people that I liked Emma Watson. Now that time has passed, I can thankfully say that I'd touch the shit out of her in front of anyone. Unfortunately I am pretty sure that she will always be "that girl from Harry Potter", but just by watching a few interviews it is amazing how well she has dealt with the fame shoved into her face. Not to mention that the whole posh British vibe she portrays reminds me of money, and I love money. Surprisingly, the mudblood thing doesn't bother me at all, I never really discriminate against people with differences. My dad raised me right.

05. Anna Faris

"You can't help being turned off a little at the thought of being plastered to the ceiling by your boyfriend's man-juice."
And while all the other girlies are wearing their designer clothes and showing only their best sides to the camera, we have Anna Fairs walking into walls and getting slammed into the roof with semen. If you've seen the Scary Movies, you'll remember her as the main character who has never made unsexy look so sexy, which is kind of her forté. Basically, if you desperately want me to love you, take the piss out of yourself and I will piss myself with adoration. But for those not into that kind of thing, you can still Google Image her and you will find yourself doing more than just pissing, believe me. She's all that and a bag of expensive crisps, I've said so for many many years now, ask anyone.

04. Hannah Murray

"I didn't eat for three days so I could be lovely."
This is one of those rare(ish) examples where I am not actually that fond of the girl herself, mainly because I know nothing about her at all. But her position is justified purely because I am genuinely in love with the character she portrays in the series Skins - namely Cassie Ainsworth. You see, self destruction is very sexy to me, and when coupled with her anorexia, low-self esteem, suicidal tendencies, drug addiction and sex addiction - as well as being spacey and good natured at heart - I grieve over the fact that this girl doesn't actually exist. Believe me, I have travelled the world over checking into rehabs and clinics to find someone similar. And while I found many messed up chicks, none of them were on this level, so I was forced to abandon each one of them whilst they were sleeping to continue my search. It's fine. They'll get over it.

03. Pattie Boyd

"They were furious because I`d bagged a Beatle! It was so frightening."
George Harrison was without a doubt the most underrated member of The Beatles (more than Ringo Starr because Ringo actually wasn't that talented). But one thing none of the other Fab Four could take credit for was catching the hottest of all The Beatles girls. But wait, not only did Pattie feel the legendary cock of Harrison inside of her, but she eventually left George for one Eric Clapton. This kind of legendary groupie behaviour can only result in one thing: some of the greatest love songs ever written, namely: Something by Harrison and Layla by Clapton. I totally get this. I would write her a million songs. Unfortunately, as time does, she is super old now, but has aged gracefully without dabbling into surgery. I'd still do it just to say I have really.

02. Alice Glass

"My make-up routine involves putting a bunch of black stuff on my eyes."
Alice is like the cutest little boy I have ever seen. Jokes! She's a girl! She has boobs, look! But truth be told, girls who looks like pubescent girls are so hot right now, I think. More than that, she has so much attitude in her tiny body that inviting her into your home would just cause a lot of trouble for everyone involved. She ran away from home to live in a squat when she was just 14 with no money or direction, a total wreckhead, who is now credited as one of the pioneers of modern day synthpunk. Did I tell you that she poured Jack Daniels into my mouth? Yeah, she did.

01. Mila Kunis

"I am stubborn, and I admit it, so it`s OK."
This is it: the reason I wrote this blog in the first place. All the other girls were merely pedestals stacked on top of each other to raise Mila as high up as I could. And now that we're up here, I can't help but hit a mental block. I just don't have the words to properly describe something this perfect. I guess more than anything, she is actually very sweet, quite different from her Jackie character in That 70's Show. Just watch a few interviews and you will be shocked to realise that she is not only the type of girl you would sleep with, but also the type of girl you would want to talk to afterwards. I'd even fuck Meg Griffin because of her. And if you've seen Getting Over Sarah Marshall, the message should be clear: Mila Kunis is the only known cure for heartbreak. Fact. So obvious now that you know, right? Congratulations Mila, a completely unknown mid-20's blogger just recognized your ultimateness, you're so lucky.


Honourable Mentions
These were the 40 girls that either nearly made the list or were suggested to me by other people.
Adrianna Lima
Agyness Deyn
Aishwarya Rai
Alessandra Ambrosio
Alicia Silverstone
Angelina Jolie
Brigitte Bardot
Brody Dalle
Carlo Gugino
Charlize Theron
Cheryl Cole
Christina Ricci
Cindy Crawford
Dita Von Teese
Edie Sedgwick
Esther Baxter
Eva Spence
Gwen Stefani
Kate Beckinsale
Kate Hudson
Kate Moss
Kristin Kreuk
Lucy Liu
Lily Cole
Megan Fox
Mena Savari
Milla Jovovich
Monica Bellucci
Naomi Watts
Natalia Vodianova
Nico
Pilar Rubio
Rachel McAdams
Rihanna
Sarah Michelle Gellar
Scarlett Johansen
Shirley Manson
Sofia Vergara
Stevie Nicks
Zooey Deschanel


Conclusion
I will admit, this entire blog is a lie. The hottest girls ever are, in all honesty, girls I know in real life. Maybe one day I'll make a Top 20 Hottest Facebook Friends or something, although that sounds like much more trouble than it's worth. However, it is a common fact that personality is what really matters when it comes to real attraction, and also, lol. This was by far my dumbest blog ever.

Read This Next Maybe

20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II)

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Until It Happens To You: My Paranormal Experiences

None of this story is made up.

Fuck, I love Halloween. It’s the only day that, in my opinion, we can properly celebrate our creativity and imagination in the areas of evil and fear. I dig the idea of promoting mischief from the hands of little children disguised as monsters, knocking on stranger’s doors begging for candy. There is something exciting and a little twisted about all of this, and that’s what my life is all about personally.

The origins and reasons why we enjoy this holiday are interesting enough. This was the day that the Celtics believed the border between the living and the dead became thin, which allowed spirits to cross over and visit us. Some viewed this as a good way to make passed loved ones feel missed, while others viewed it as a dark doorway for harmful entities to cause trouble. In fact, this is why we dress up today. The tradition of wearing scary clothing on this celebration was meant to protect and ward off the evils, although I find the children themselves to be much scarier.

A while ago, my internet-friend Erin asked me on formspring if I had experienced any paranormal activity in my short lifetime. As I began to answer this, I realised a story with this many details could not be lost on a page filled with what is usually pointless tongue-and-cheek answers. So instead, I saved it for this very day, my way of starting off your 2010 Halloween weekend with love.

I have told a handful of people this story before, and reactions vary. If you don’t believe in the paranormal, this won’t be the story to convince you. Many skeptics have been quick to point out logical explanations to all of the pieces I am about to tell you, and I don’t disregard this, I am not here to promote these ideas at all. I am not going to even go so far as to say that I believe in ghosts and demons and other such unexplainable entities, because I don’t know. What I am here to tell you about is a bunch of shit that freaked me out. I can't justify calling these paranormal experiences except that nothing about this felt normal whatsoever. If you want to email me and tell me that I am making a big deal out of nothing, by all means go ahead, but this blog is not written for you. Because without a doubt, those who do believe in the paranormal and/or have had experiences themselves will definitely enjoy this more. And no matter what your stance, something bad is going to happen to you very soon.

I am also taking a huge risk here, because every time I tell this story, my life get effected. I haven’t dabbled in these thoughts since I have arrived in London, so I am hoping that I am not inviting things in that I shouldn’t be. I will keep you updated if things go strange, and if I die mysteriously, you know why. Haha, just joking, I’m immortal.

I guess my mind became heavily curious when I was around 10 years old or so. I went on holiday with the family of a friend. He and his sister were allowed to bring one person along, and we all shared a room. His sister and her friend were much older than us, super hot, and proceeded to tell us that they were witches and had many experiences with spirits. That midnight they took us to a graveyard where we casually and calmly walked around, and we found this black cat who followed us all the way home. Nothing about this was weird or scary, it was fun and I felt safe with these two girls. Once home, we made a circle where they claimed to contact the dead and continued to hum in unison and say very peculiar things. I will be the first to brush this off as mass-hysteria, but the room felt very fucking weird. Everyone’s faces were changing to the point that I couldn’t tell who looked like a boy and who looked like a girl. The most stand-out occurrence was when something invisible began to pull on my face, and I freaked out and started crying. It didn't take long until everyone was crying, it just all felt really out of place. I look back on this not so much as a paranormal experience, but more the moment that I began to become very interested with the idea of the unknown and making contact with the dead.

After this, I dabbled in a bit of witchcraft myself, and cast a few successful spells. As time has gone on, I believe that spells are the same as prayers are the same as The Law Of Attraction. It’s putting your focus on something you want, getting your emotions in tune with it, and then manifesting it into your life. But it just shows where I was in my thought process and my interests at that age, and what path I was heading down.

This story only starts now.

I must have been 15 years old or so. I was dating a lovely lovely girl at the time, and I used to go to her place often to get stoned, eat her food and have sex with her. Her parents were hardly ever there, which was the ideal situation for any early teen trying to experience things he was told not to. She had two brothers who I loved the company of, and this whole period of my life was something I remember with fondness. One day, this girl and I began to talk about the paranormal, and she pulled out this old and very stylish Ouija board from under her bed. It was wonderful looking and beautifully crafted, and we would play it a lot, more often than not with her brothers and their friends.

Believe it or not, Ouija boards are very fucking powerful things. People are quick to debunk the tool, but when you consider that the first example found was in China around 1100 B.C., it’s hard to imagine that well over 3000 years have passed and yet no one can still completely explain it. People all around the world still swear by it’s authenticity, I have proven it many times to people, and can prove it to you. I do this often by setting one up and getting the person who I am playing with to ask the board a question only they would know the answer to. Maybe like “What is my mother’s maidens name?” or “What is my Gmail password?”. The Ouija board will tell them, which would mean that either they are pushing it around despite wanting to disprove it, or there is actually something there.

It’s a nifty seemingly harmless pass-time, but they are in reality very dangerous. If you do a bit of research you will find that almost anyone who has played the board regularly has advised others that it isn’t a good idea. And that is exactly what this story is about.

Ouija boards are interesting in the way that the more you play, especially as a team, the faster and more articulate it becomes. It didn’t take long before full sentences were flashing before our eyes as fast as we could read them, telling us how we would one day die and who we would one day marry (although as any player knows, spirits have as much ability to lie and exaggerate as any alive person would). And as it is often documented, there was a point where one spirit had grown quite attached to us. He introduced himself as Pion and seemed to really enjoy messing with us, quick to answer our questions with his seemingly logical predictions. Everytime we started a new session, in would come Pion with his opinions of our lives and life in general.

One particular day, the group of us were playing the board in the attic of my girlfriend’s house. For some reason, she was sitting this round out, and the boys were asking stupid boy questions, as we do. One of the oh-so-mature questions we asked, and the question that heavily influenced my life for sometime to come, was “is anybody in this room bisexual?”. The planchette slid over and highlighted “Yes” and there were many giggles all around. Naturally, we asked “Who?” and Pion proceeded to spell out my girfriend’s name. Despite this probably being true, this really pissed her off and so she abruptly ran over to the board and kicked it, the glass planchette sliding far away from the board and everything slipping from underneath our fingers.

This is a very bad thing. The number 1 rule about the Ouija board is to never play alone. The number 2 rule is that if you ever decide to play (don’t) you must NEVER lift your fingers up until the spirit has said goodbye to you. The reason is that it supposedly damages the spirit’s spirit as it were, and this upsets them greatly. You don’t want that.

We frantically scrambled the pieces back together and apologised profusely, but it was all wrong. It began to spell out “B-A-D-M-I-S-T-A-K-E-B-A-D-M-I-S-T-A-K-E-B-A-D-M-I-S-T-A-K-E” over and over. Eventually it began to threaten us, warning my girlfriend that something very bad was going to happen to her. It also began to tell us how it was fetching all of it’s demon friends, calling them by their first names, claiming that they were filling up the room. Needless to say we were shitting ourselves, and as much as we begged it to say Goodbye, it wouldn’t.

After some time we managed to calm everything back down to a decent level of communication and we slowly continued to talk to Pion about less and less serious things. But man, I was spooked, and pretty soon Pion noticed.

How the Ouija board works is that you have a finger or two from your one hand on the planchette which slides around spelling out the words. Your other hand rests on the board itself, on top of your labeled star-sign. Pion, sensing my discomfort, spelt out “What’s the matter Libra?” and then slid right up to my star-sign actually bumping my fingers as if to get my attention. I told him I didn’t like what he was saying about my girlfriend. He asked “What do you like about her?”. I explained that she was lovely, I had feelings for her and I thought she was very pretty. And that’s when he said “Look at her so I can see her”. Of this entire story, that is the part that always stood out the most. To this day I still can’t find any other reports that these spirits are actually seeing through our eyes when we talk to them, but that is exactly what this spirit was saying. It was a huge moment in my understanding of how it all works.

After some time we convinced Pion to leave us alone, and we packed it up. It was then we noticed my girlfriend was missing, so we ran around the entire property screaming her name trying to find her. It was panic to the point of tears. Eventually we found her hiding in her Dad’s workshop, but we were all so convinced that something really bad had happened to her, that we got rid of the board and it was never played on again.

You would think this would be enough to stop me, but it wasn’t. And luckily/unluckily for me, the one guy we played with a lot felt the same. So without telling anyone, we constructed a crude Ouija board out of cardboard and continued to play this in my room for months. It worked pretty well, it wasn’t quite the same, but we continued to get a decent amount of communication from the spirits. Even Pion visited us once or twice. It was here that we were told that everyone was on a level when it came to connecting with the dead. We were a 7 at that point, and the more we played, the higher we got. We were told that once we reached 10, the spirit could make us float, which is obviously a level that we never got to, but on occasion we would level-up and it would be extremely exciting. In hind-sight, this was probably total bollocks, just the Spirit’s way to encourage us to play more and more Ouija board everyday - and it worked. My mom even knew about it. I can guarantee you that this over-indulgence is what fucked it all up.

Over this time, my room had become a cold place. It was very damp anyway, mold was growing on the walls and I would often find snails or worms or other creatures trying to make a home there. So it wasn’t a sunshine kind of habitat, and reflects how messed up and depressed my life was at that point in time anyway.

But more than anything, it was how it felt in there. It had a very dark and tingling feeling to it and I never quite felt like I was alone. Now, I know I can’t completely attribute this to some paranormal activity, people are quick to point this out. And when I look back, maybe you are right. But what I know is that there was a very distinct vibe in there for whatever reason. I could never explain this to you properly as no one can ever explain a feeling anyway, but it just felt fucking wrong. Believe me, it did.

However, odd things would happen. I would hear noises all through the night. It sounded like things were constantly outside my window - a point proven when people actually did break into my house when I was awake, but I ignored it because I was so used to the noise. My computer was quite effected as well, documents would remove data, sometimes full files would disappear. One of the more interesting things was that randomly, almost once a week, my printer would print a tiny smiley face. You never knew when, but suddenly my printer would start up and print this minute smiley webding. Of course, this to me was a good sign, that whatever was doing this was at least on a happy vibe. These events can be explained by many other reasons, and go ahead and do that, but from where I was standing it was very eerie.

What sealed it for me was when my one friend was visiting. His parents are both very much into the spiritual scene, his mom selling natural medicines and practicing alternative healing as her occupation, and his Dad being one of the forefront South African hypnotists, exorcists, channels and many other paranormal things. My friend had been exposed to this lifestyle since he was born, had good knowledge about all of it, and was drinking beer with me in my lounge. After a while of good laughter, he needed to piss and went to my room to do so. He came out with a very different look on his face. “There’s an entity in your room Jared, did you know this?”. I laughed, and told him that it was a friendly ghost, surely, and explained the printer story. He didn’t dig it and refused to go into my room ever again. I didn’t take it to heart, but that was definitely the point that confirmed it for me.

Now, it wouldn’t be like me to stop there. No, I was onto something and I wanted more. For the life of me, I can’t imagine why I wanted to provoke it the way I did, but I guess I enjoyed my already exaggerated reputation as “that evil weird boy from Pinelands” and I wanted to push it. So I bought a giant poster of Linda Blair from the scene in The Exorcist where her head is backwards - exactly like the picture to the right. I had no fear and put it on the wall above my bed, which obviously was designed to make any visitor feel very uneasy.

Two nights after I had put it up, I went to bed, and literally the second I fell asleep, I felt these evil arms come around my back and hang onto me with all their might. The presence of evil was all over me and I was fighting the best I could, completely in blindness. I don’t know how to describe it exactly, but what it seemed like was that I was almost asleep, but this thing wanted me to stay awake, restraining me in some kind of mid-point.

I woke up in a panic. And above my head I could hear the Exorcist poster slowly peeling off of the wall. It was stuck there with Blu-Tack (Prestik as we call it in SA), but it sounded more like someone had stuck a piece of masking tape to the wall, and were slowly removing it. Like a sticky hissing. I freaked, jumped up, ripped the poster down and threw it on the floor. I then went back to sleep.

The next morning the poster was still on the floor, so I was definitely awake for that noise.

In 2007 I moved house 6 times. They say that moving home does not guarantee you will loose your follower, but there are reports that it does make it easier, and at some point I had definitely lost it. I had also moved on with my life. I was far more into other things and so I wasn’t so prone to allowing it into my experiences. They say that by giving it thought and attention, it becomes stronger, which is why it had left me alone at that time. And which is also why I was so reluctant to write this blog in the first place.

And then in an act of complete stupidity, around Halloween 2007 (exactly 3 years ago), I decided I wanted to have a freaky one. I began to read reports on the internets all about people and their paranormal experiences. The one really stood out for me was of a girl who went so far as to even having sexual contact with a spirit. She had multiple different beings contacting her through various methods, some urging her to continue having sex with this one specific entity, others warning her against it, all of them lying and tricking her into different acts. Eventually they were talking to her constantly throughout her day, narrating her life until she actually had to go to an institution for a while. I don’t know why, but this story seemed to open up the gates of my mind a bit, and I was there with open arms. I was trying to get this shit back into my life because so much time had passed that I had begun to doubt my own experiences. It didn’t take long before I definitely felt a presence anywhere I went. It’s difficult to explain but it feels like someone is permanently staring at you, as cliche as that sounds. I always feel it in my back, like a constant borderline chill. It looked like I was going to get my freaky Halloween after all.

A couple days into my stirring, I was driving up to my apartment in Kenilworth and pulled into my parking space. There sitting at the end of it, blocking me from parking properly, was an old African drum. It was full of dirt, very wide but short and looked ancient. I was stoked and didn’t think twice about it. I happily took the drum back into my apartment and sat it in my hallway, chuffed with my new toy.

That night I woke up with Sleep Paralysis. I have had this a few times, and I’m sure some of you have too. It’s when you are fully awake in your bed, but you can’t move at all. Even breathing is hard and it takes a few minutes before you can start to move certain parts of your body until you are back in control. In folklore it was believed that a witch is sitting on your chest which would explain why you can’t move, but modern day belief is that it’s more to do with stress or sudden lifestyle changes.

Regardless, this time was very different. I felt a presence all over my room, definitely as if something was hanging over me. I could hear my housemate talking to his friend in the next room and I tried so hard to scream for them to help me, but couldn’t get a word out. And the freakiest part of all is that the drum was playing itself, a slow timeless beat coming from the hallway. There I was, completely paralysed with all this mass noise going on around me in complete panic, and I don’t remember what happened next.

The next day I went to work and phoned my housemate to tell him what had happened. And he said “That’s weird man, I wasn’t even home last night”.

That evening I went to visit my sister and had pretty much written the whole thing off as another weird dream. That’s when I got a phone call from my housemate telling me that he had locked his keys in his car and needed me to come and open the door for him to get his spares. Angrily, I went and picked him up at some pub and we drove to the house. We put my keys in the door but they wouldn’t turn. There was nothing we could do, we tried and we tried, but the door just wouldn’t budge. It was as if something was holding the lock from the inside. I didn’t think much of it, I was too irritated, so we decided we had no choice but to go back and get my housemate's keys from his car.

We drove back to it and found a homeless man who obviously had some kind of experience with breaking into cars. He came with a wire and began trying to open the car door. Casually while he was doing this, we told him how we couldn’t open the door of our house and how weird it was. This complete stranger turned to us with fear in his eyes and said “There is something in your house. You guys better be careful”. The night before rushed back to me, and I was like “Shit dude, the drum!” and my housemate suddenly realised what might be going on.

We got into the car, drove back to the house, and just like before, his keys would not turn. So it couldn’t have been the keys themselves, but still meant that maybe the lock was fucked. We had no choice, we smashed a window and climbed in. We went around to the door and it was just as it had always been. We turned the lock, and from the inside, it opened easily. Nothing was wrong with it. We tested the keys again, and suddenly they worked fine. For some reason, it had refused to turn from outside just that time. In fact, I lived in that house for almost 2 years, and it had never happened before or after.

Together we took that drum and threw it away. A big sense of relief breathed into me and I decided not to tell anyone the story. Although I have mentioned it since then once or twice, most of my close friends will be hearing about this for the first time. The reason being, of course, because I had to purposefully avoid giving the whole ordeal any attention and basically ignore it as much as fucking possible, which worked. It stopped bothering me pretty soon afterwards and I went on with my somewhat normal lifestyle.

And that's the end of my story, hope you liked it. If anything I learned that no matter what the hell was going on back there, it wasn’t pleasant, it wasn’t immediately explainable and it all seemed centered around moments I opened myself up to the experiences. It was enough to satisfy my curiosity and I will never go back to that place ever again. Of course there will always be critics, and all I can say to you lot is that no matter what you believe, if you were there, you would’ve shat bricks. Until it happens to you, you will never know. Go play Ouija board in a graveyard and I promise you your mind will do back-flips and you will cry to your mommy. Then write a blog about it, I dunno.

Finally I must just let you know that various times during the writing of this blog, I felt very weird. I compulsively saved my work because I had this feeling it was just going to disappear on me, I don't know why. It's hard to say if my mind was just playing tricks or not, but it was such a familiar feeling that a few times I considered scrapping the whole thing. At least I never have to tell this story again, I can just post the URL. God bless the internet, and Happy Halloween to all of you. Watch what happens now.

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There's Just 5 Hours Left Until You Find Me Dead

It was my 26th birthday the previous Saturday. Best birthday week ever! Besides some sexual favours from friends, I got an awesome tattoo from a guy named Scab. He was Art-Pulpitations Artist Of The Month August 2009, definitely the best artist I know personally. It’s my first tatt and I am fucking happy with it, which is a relief. It’s not done, still needs shading, but you can see it to the left there. It’s rad, this dude is going to be huge man, I swear.

Besides this, we had a massive party to celebrate my quarter century passing and I hit new levels of fuckness. Seriously, I remember none of it, but have since heard I was drooling on myself and shouting obscene things to my friends. Apparently it was all filmed. I am finally almost back to normal.

But the best part of it all (and most relevant to you) was The Funpowder Plot. I took the week off of work, put my teeth to the grind and made the website. And finally on Friday it was launched, Juice Five, the first Juice in months. The write-up on The Juices section says it best, like this:


The most important thing you need to know about The Funpowder Plot is that this is not my project. I was reluctant to even called it a Juice at all, but I did anyway. No, this is a collaboration between myself and the most talented people I know, namely: Ammr Khalifa, Ashley Cooper, The Freewheelin’ Troubadour, Jonathan Loose van der Velden and Kris Cook. I am merely a cog in a machine that will eat your children and fuck your wife better than you ever could.

We make films. Films that we would want to watch, who cares what you lot think. These include music videos, mini-documentaries and shorts - to name a few. Rest assured, we have well over 10 ideas ready to explode at any given point, some of which we are busy giving birth to right now. Between us we can do anything, nurturing a passing brain idea until it bursts into one solid art form.

The idea of The Plot has been bouncing around since New Years 2010, and it took off much faster than anything I have ever been a part of before. We all live together, which helps speed up productivity and gives the house a very special vibe. At any given moment at any time of day we might pick away at a project for a few seconds and then go back to casual conversation, generally boring everyone around us. Our habitat is one big meeting point which never crosses the line of becoming too serious, and never sinking below the line of becoming a joke.

The name itself was a heavy process, weeks of drunken debating and painstaking voting after voting and email after email. We were close to calling it The Teenage Pregnancy Project, and even closer to calling it The Gravy Stroke, until we settled on the title of a song by Wild Beasts. Tony Blair had nothing to do with it. Our reasoning for choosing this moniker varies and it would take far too long to explain this to anyone as the symbolism and perfection of it continues to reveal itself daily.

The combination of our powers doesn’t need to convince you of shit, just look at how much we have done. And behind every great team, is an even greater team, and this is why The Funpowder Plot extends much deeper to any of our friends willing to get involved. Because of this beautiful concentration of friendship, it is unstoppable and will be a part of our lives that we can marvel over forever regardless of the outcome.

Our goal? Our goal is to have fun working with friends and producing professional works which impresses people and each other, humouring me greatly in the process. We really are still just kids with bigger dicks and a bunch of skills, no matter what our birth certificates say. But our dream? Well, our dream is the same as every one's dream: take over the world. Only difference is that we will.

This project is something I’ve always prayed for. It’s enough to make me believe in God. Keep your eye on our balls, you will see things you can never unsee.


Now obviously that sucked all my time away, but I am back on track. I haven’t answered a formspring question for way too long, no work on Coming Down Happy or The Autobiography. And my Twitter updates have been sub-par at best. The reason is that my real life became more interesting and emotionally testing for a while over there, but I feel like my priorities are straight and my quest for attention is back to it’s old self. Expect a new blog for Halloween you cunts!

Goodbye.


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Jared Woods' Top 10 Formspring Questions

Formspring is rad. For those of you who don't know what this is, relax, I will tell you. Formspring is a website where anonymous people (like you) can ask the big-mouth user (like me) any dodgy question you like. And because I have spent years and years of my life partaking in fake interviews in front of the mirror, this is the perfect site for me to pretend I am already famous. However, over the last while, it's gone a bit insane. I have received quite a ton of varied questions almost daily, and have only recently got it to a manageable amount. I can only imagine that these people have no idea who I am, because nobody in their right mind should trust me with anything.

Anyways, if you think you can take me on (and I dare you), ask me any question you fucking want here: http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip
I ALWAYS ANSWER EVERY SINGLE ONE.

This blog came around because I recently got asked pretty much the best question ever, which was ironically:

Out of aaaalllll questions yet, what is your favourite?

I figured this had to be the ultimate question, so I took my time reading over each of the 250+ formspring posts on my page trying to find the very best one. While doing so, I realised something very important about myself: I can talk a lot of shit.

Of course, picking just one question wouldn't be my style. My style is far too complex and arrogant for that. So I narrowed it down to my top 10, and after all that effort, I decided this had to be a blog entry rather than just a lost formspring question that 5 people would read.

Here they are, and thanks soooo much to all the people who ask me these things! It means a lot, I am truly grateful for all of you, I can't explain how much joy you guys bring in my life.



10. Do religious/Christian family members or friends ever show concern for your non-religiousness/agnosticism? How do you justify your beliefs to them? I know you believe in God; I mean the rest (or lack thereof). And I'm not preaching here - I'm the devil

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/944098915

WHY I LIKE IT:
I felt this one was particularly important because, as the question suggests, I love to run my mouth off about religion in what can be confused as a blasphemous way. Now I had an excuse to explain exactly why I was doing this, and what my views on organized religion are in general.
I think this question should be an automatic disclaimer that comes attached to my head. Everyone should read it before listening to a word I say, because religion can be a touchy subject, and I don't want to touch anyone.

09. If Mary was married to Joseph why was she a virgin? Did she cheat on him and then blame someone that no one could see?

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/544574283

WHY I LIKE IT:
This one follows the last one nicely. Ok, it could be viewed as a little bit offensive, but in a loving way. I got quite a few comments about it, two readers claiming it was my best yet.
Worth a lol at least.



08. Hey Jared, One of my English buddies hooked me up with your site and I think you're sooo funny! And kinda cute! I live in Missoula, Montana. How far are you willing to travel for the best night of your life..? ;0

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/1045483991

WHY I LIKE IT:
It's always great to have some anonymous internet person wanting to fuck me. It's flattering and is also the only source of sexual advances I receive.
But beyond this, I think this has got to be the best piss-take answer I have ever done. The reactions were fantastic, many people talking to me about it even weeks afterwards. And thanks to TheFilmo, who tweeted about it, I earned a lot more followers for it.
The only thing I didn't understand about this questions was the "kinda cute" remark. Kinda cute? I'm cute as fuck baby, damn.



07. What's the secret of happiness, according to you?

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/424086769

WHY I LIKE IT:
What people don't realise is that while I was answering this one, I was really down. I can't remember why, but I was not in the right place to be answering such questions. It's actually against my rules now, I only answer questions in a good frame of mind, because the ones laced with sadness stick out too loud for me.
However, for once, my slight pessimism gave an interesting twist on my usual "everything is going to be ok" style answer, and I think I hit it more direct that way. One of my friends claimed that this was my best answer ever.
Personally, my favourite thing about this one is that I didn't ramble as much as I normally might have.



06. Can you give a short contextual analysis between your favorite Shakespeare play and the movie Sister Act?

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/593821235

WHY I LIKE IT:
Without a doubt the hardest question I've ever had to answer. It's author, one Faure whom I know from real lifes, loves to fuck with me on the internet almost daily. I think he wanks over it or something, I don't know.
Regardless, just by reading this question you can see the difficulty he shoved into my face. I had to do so much research about shit I didn't give a fuck about, but I was determined and took it very seriously. I was happy with the outcome.
Faure then graded it, gave me a B or something and said "Good effort". My mom would've been alright with that.



05. I would like you to sing me a song about rusks.

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/837639747

WHY I LIKE IT:
Normally questions test my opinions, my ability to research or my life experiences. This one is the only worthy example I can think of that challenged my creativity. And "Rusks" isn't a very common word to rhyme with.
Matthew (The myets guy) has asked me a few questions, some of which pissed me off, some of which were really good. But this one was total class, especially because "Rusks" is somewhat of an in-joke between a few people and myself.
Nobody seemed to care much about this one, but I was stoked. I would loooove more questions like this if you guys can think of any.



04. 1 year ago,the most amazing girl i met in my life broke up with me, stil i cant go for more than 2 hours without being tortured by a thought of her.its relentless.no-one else apeals 2me.i feel doomed,i havnt even had sex in a year!im going insane.help pls

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/478335406

WHY I LIKE IT:
This is one of those great examples where I posted something that I thought I might get into trouble for, but I didn't care because I felt so strongly in what I was saying. The public response was great, mostly from girls (which was surprising), one even going so far as to say that it was my best answer.
Shampies though, I totally sympathise with this dude, really the worst place to be in ever. Hope he's alright now.



03. I'm aware that you are very fond of your father, but you never seem to talk about your mother. Why is this?

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/734598200

WHY I LIKE IT:
My dad is my hero, but I don't often get a chance to talk about how much he means to me. Suddenly I had this platform and I let rip the best I could with all the reasons why I felt my dad deserves all the credit in the world.
The reaction was epic, I have never received that many comments on any of my formspring posts ever, which it was very touching for me. I FUCKING LOVE YOU DADDY. Don't ever tell him I swore.



02. When will you realize that unfettered tweeting, facebooking, forumspring-agathy-aunt and just general pseudo-communication with idiots is arrogant, pointless and only feeds your denial of a very apparent identity complex.

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/482173386

WHY I LIKE IT:
This was an exercise in self control. I can't tell you how hard I nearly lost it. But I managed to keep my cool, take my time, and rip this person a new one smartly.
My response was greeted with great accolade, and that person never bothered me again. My favourite thing is that no matter how funny/stupid you think my answer is, you don't entirely get it. This is because there are a few in-jokes sneakily planted around for a select few, keeping myself entertained above anybody else.

01. Why do sperm have to be kept 4-5 degrees lower than body temperature? And how bad would it really be if they were internal organs? Yes I know the main answer would be "just because" or "that's how God made us" but I want a Jared-style "what if" response.

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/969246689

WHY I LIKE IT:
I have said this theory my whole life. I believe in this theory.
The funny thing is that I didn't get much response for this one at all. But for some reason I think it's my favourite. It's the perfect balance between sex and religion, and while you may think it's a little offensive, you cannot disagree with a word in it.
I will admit, I paused a bit out of fear before posting it, but I think it's the one that makes me laugh the most. Nervously.



CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR
These ones nearly made the top 10, didn't, but are still worth mentioning:


if you were naked, would you grind your body against mine?

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/626660923

WHY I LIKE IT:
I was bored of the usual questions like this, so I invented a test which evaluated the reader's chances of fucking me. It was a complete joke, but quite a few people started messaging me, telling me their scores. My favourite was some fat guy who said he passed and probably wanted to fuck me. I would do it too.


Dude, here's one for #100: what's the meaning of life?

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/562356452

WHY I LIKE IT:
When it came time for my 100th question, I begged for someone to send something good to celebrate my milestone. I received quite a few, all of which got answered, but nothing could compare to this question really.
In general, I think my answer said it's point and did so without dissing anybody's beliefs. One of my religious friends claimed it was my best answer, and it meant a lot that he understood what I was saying.
The ONLY reason this didn't make the Top 10 is because of the last paragraph. I have no idea how that got in there, and has spoilt the post for me.



AND NOW, MY LEAST FAVOURITE:

Dear J. Please can you clarify the difference between a FAIL, EPIC FAIL and WIN. And can you provide an example of each from your weird yet wonderfully disturbed world? A.N.Other Fan

READ MY ANSWER HERE FIRST:
http://www.formspring.me/LegoTrip/q/827350529

WHY I HATE IT:
I took it too seriously. At my work suddenly the words FAIL, EPIC-FAIL and WIN became very important words. We would debate the definition of these terms here, so it was a very serious question to me.
Totally fucked it up, it doesn't have a second of humour in it, it's way too long, and I am so sorry for that.



CONCLUSION

PLEASE ASK ME QUESTIONS, NO MATTER HOW PERSONAL OR DEEP OR RIDICULOUS IT IS: I WILL ANSWER.
Give Jared's life meaning today.


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I Like Lemons

Alright, I know, I know, where the fuck have I been? I am sincerely sorry about my absence lately, things have been a little more intense than I could have expected. And far be it from me to spare you the details of my personal life, I love attention, so here you go:

I met this girl, and it was like crack. I spent every free second I could sending her emails or having drinks with her. For those of you who know me in real life know that when I fall, I FALL. And before I knew it, I was blurting out a bunch of overemotional shit to this poor chick, who naturally, wasn’t quite prepared for the insanity that is me. And fair enough on her part really.

So she was like “errrr” and I was “ummm” and that was that. I totally realised a lot throughout this short process. Relationships and thoughts of one are no good for me. My new plan is much like the old one, and goes like this: stay single until the end of 2011, work my ass off, become really rich and famous , and then fuck every single one of you.

Anyways, I’m back, and I’m gonna attack this shit with my middle fingers blazing now.

Despite all of this, there is stuff to say on the projects:

THE FUNPOWDER PLOT
This is now officially what The Gravystroke is called. If you followed me on Twitter, you would know this. Nevertheless, the project came to a complete stand-still recently as Kris and Ash were in Croatia and Loose was gallivanting around meeting people like Johnny Rotten and such. That said, work on the website has continued and it is looking good. Our next video NITROUS OF THE LIVING DEAD is breathing on the finish line. With a little bit of luck, this will be done in 2 weeks? Further more, there is footage for another film already shot and plans for so many more.

COMING DOWN HAPPY
The third and final song for the EP is probably halfway done musically. I am semi-happy with it, which isn’t really where I want to be. The concept is firming up though, still aiming for an end of year release. This is unlikely. But in the end, I can see where it’s going clearer and clearer, and I like.

JUICE NOTHING
This site makes me sad now. I dunno, I like the homepage, but the blog just feels loose and badly designed. The font sizes even change per article, which I guess is my fault for rushing out a blogger page without really knowing what I was doing. There is also NO SEO whatsoever, which is stupid. So hopefully I will slowly be picking it apart in the up and coming days, which does mean it might look a bit funny at times, please bear with me sweetheart.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog, so Im happy you can now read 10 (more) People You Have To Follow On Twitter. It should be taken very seriously. I know it seems like I have been slacking, but for some reason there was a lot of inner turmoil this blogging round. I originally wrote half of a blog celebrating my one year on Last.Fm, reflecting on the music I had been listening to and how I felt about it. It sucked. So I scrapped it and began a blog on my life and it’s experiences with the Law of Attraction, which I roughly finished but didn’t feel like I wanted to launch it just yet. This does mean it will probably come out very soon. I moved onto this one because it was simple and fun and quick and at least useful, maybe. But I even know what the next few will be.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY
I am about 3 chapters into my autobiography. To be honest, I shouldn’t be working on anything else, I know this is the best thing I’ve got going for me right now. Still going to take a while though, but I have an epic feeling that this is the one. This is the project that will win.

And just remember, if you think I’m dead, check my Twitter. Or ask me on Formspring.

Will call you soon honey-pie.


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10 (more) People You Have To Follow On Twitter

A while ago I wrote a list of my 10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter (or Tweeple, as they call themselves, which is so terrible I actually want to rub my eyes in shit) and it was lame. The reason is that I was new to Twitter back then, and after some careful evaluation, I realised many of my favourite people were actually very unfunny and less famous than me.

In time, I have got more and more use out of Twitter. I have stopped following stupid celebrities who say nothing of any value. I have stopped following shameless self promoters and internet “gurus” who repeated themselves as if their SEO message is so fucking important. Unfortunately, I do still follow teenagers who talk about how their day went purely because I feel too bad to delete them. Teen life is hard enough as it is, it's a moral thing. But besides that, my feed is relatively streamlined and with this knowledge, I am proud to announce I can waste more of your time with more of this crap.

If you are new to the social disaster scene, I have now equipped you with enough info to have a grand time indeed - you fucking owe me. And if you are an old-school Twitterer, I hope you find some gems in here you didn’t know about. Ha, who am I kidding, I fucking hate you all.

Oh, and of course, I am not so tasteless as to put myself in the list. But I am definitely the best person in the world to follow ever because I will tell you things about things you have never thought of and then you will kill yourself.

The list:



10. Bob Dylan Says
Quotes From The Master
http://twitter.com/BobDylanSays
24,405 Followers

I put this one at the bottom of the list purely because if you don’t like Bob Dylan, then you won’t like this. Then you won’t like me. Then you won’t like burning in hell for having less musical understanding than a piece of wood with a cock drawn on it. You’re an idiot babe.
But if you love Bob like I do, you will know that he is the greatest lyricist pretty much ever. And you will want to be reminded of this hourly. And that's how this works: every hour on the hour, a bot tweets a line from a Dylan song. It does this until it completes a song and then randomly picks another one. It’s a great way to show respect to the man's genius and recall the classics your daddy listened to. Did I tell you I saw him live? Yeah, I did.

Recent Tweets:
Then they'll kill him with self-confidence
To her, death is quite romantic
A perfect image of a priest



09. Cat Bin Lady
Internet Celebrity
http://twitter.com/CatBinLady
29,758 Followers

Recently-ish a video surfaced of a very messed up lady who threw a cat in the bin, which you can see here. Now no matter how weird you are (and I know you are), one can't help feel a little disturbed by this. And to me the most disturbing thing of it all is that it has sky-rocketed this crazy lady to infamy based on 10 seconds of her life. Is that how easy it is? Fuck, I would've done this a long time ago.
This Twitter account is not actually the real Cat Bin Lady, who I believe has been put into protection because PETA and bestiality enthusiasts are trying to kill her. However, this fake account is a fantastic stream into what I think her mind would be like: fucked. It hardly ever fails, and she only follows Kanye West, so her street cred is impeccable.

Recent Tweets:
Just passed a shoe shop. Threw one of the sample shoes outside on top of a bus. Why do I do these things?
Just kicked the head off next door's gnome. For a joke. Who's laughing now though? Not me. Not me.
Whatever I put in Brenda's pocket has set off the store alarm in W.H.Smiths. Bit busy, so I've asked the men to tell her I'll see her later.



08. Funny One Liners
Short Quotes
http://twitter.com/funnyoneliners
132,871 Followers

I’ll be honest, this profile is 70% cheese. But I read them all because (1) I have nothing better to do; and (2) Now and again, I laugh out loud.
It’s just as the name says, no gimmicks, no lies. Nothing but funny one-liners which are generally wholesome enough for the entire family to gather around and read to eachother. They also follow people back and actually READ what people are saying, retweeting the good ones. And every night before I go to bed, I pray that one day they will retweet something I say. Although, I might completely ruin the whole “wholesome” thing I mentioned earlier.

Recent Tweets:
A cheap shot can still get you drunk.
I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
"I drive like lightening." "You drive fast?" "No. I hit trees."



07. Paul Keely
The Final Boss Of The Internet
http://twitter.com/PaulKeely
62 Followers

The Man The Legend. This is a special one because I actually know this guy in real life, and it’s criminal how few people follow him. I heard a rumour once that he invented the internet or something. I also know for a fact he kills small animals for fun, but they just can't catch him. Regardless, his stream reflects this in everyway possible.
There is nothing but the fucking funniest images you are ever likely to see in your life. Occasionally they have descriptions, more often they don’t, but you are never quite sure what you are getting into until it’s too late. It could be a cute kitten in a box. It could be a tranny with a bottle up her ass. You just never know. Either way, let Paul filter the net for you, follow him if you want to destroy your life.

Recent Tweets:
http://yfrog.com/5y1cbtj
http://yfrog.com/2tgrpoj
http://yfrog.com/eiuvmj



06. We Fail
Bitter Web-Designer
http://twitter.com/wefail
1,114 Followers

Martin Wefail is part of the We Fail team. They make really fucking A-Grade websites for products like Eminem to Mail Order Chickens. Boring right? Totally. Luckily he has a lot to say, and generally does it in the "I hate everything, especially everyone" kind of style. And this is something we can all relate to.
Just quickly, his partner is Jordan Wefail, who is also worthy of a follow. He often is waaay too overshadowed by Martin, and his Tweets seem to get funnier and funnier over time. Like old age. Or decomposition.
Admittedly, it’s probably funniest for people who know a bit about the internet. And that includes me, because I know fucking everything, ask anyone.

Recent Tweets:
There's nothing I hate in life more than life itself.....well, apart from iTunes that is.
Remember kids, try to please all of your clients, all of the time. They are always right.
I have bought a dangerous dog to make up for the shortcomings of my really tiny penis.



05. Street View Funny
The Inevitable Result Of Google Street View
http://twitter.com/streetviewfunny
1,836 Followers

Street View is pretty much in the top 3 most impressive things Google has ever done, behind maybe Gmail and, well, Google. And as we all know, life is pretty funny in itself. So when a giant car is driving round every street in certain areas and taking 360 shots of it’s surroundings, we are bound to find some things. That’s where this page comes in.
These guys scour the "streets" for anything out of the ordinary and then put it out for the world to see. THE ONLY FUCKING SHIT THING is that every link they post doesn’t immediately work for me, which is ridiculous, and puts them much further down the list. But if you just go to the homepage of http://www.streetviewfunny.com each time they post, you can relax and feel your anger slipping away. It’s a great idea that I didn't think of, and they put a bit of effort into it, so there you go guys - number 5. Congrats, I'm sure you care a lot.

Recent Tweets:
Baby left alone on a British pavement - http://tinyurl.com/2bepucx c/o Google Street View - Who would leave their baby out like this?
Google Maps Street View Captures An African Man Urinating - http://tinyurl.com/2aye8zy
Hilarious - The Top Ten Kisses Captured by Google Street View http://goo.gl/WNJv



04. Gary J Busey
Actor. A Fake One.
http://twitter.com/GaryJBusey
137,298 Followers

Gary Busey is a famous actor and director, known for his quirkiness, heavy drug addiction and some crazy sex stories. This is not Gary Busey.
But this is THE fake Gary J Busey, and it is pretty much the perfect adaptation that you would want him to be. Or how you would want anyone to be, maybe. I mean, this guy gets Retweeted out of his ass, almost as much as people like Lily Allen or Britney Spears - who get 100+ Retweets just by saying "Good Morning". Gary on the other hand, talks about sex in the most beautifully vulgar way non-stop, which makes me feel naughty and happy inside. It's balls out funny, make no mistake.

Recent Tweets:
#Howtoruinsex Wake up in the middle of it.
I want to hit midgets with ukuleles.
Does it still make me a bedwetter if the bed isn't mine and I'm awake?



03. Bypass Fan Pages
Fight Facebook Terrorism
http://twitter.com/BypassFanPages
1,141 Followers

This page is a life saver to me, especially cos I intravenously shoot up Facebook for breakfast. Ok, so you know those ANNOYING pages that require you to Like something just to see the content? That is what I call "Facebook Terrorism". Do not fall for it. Do not trust it. Be smarter than that. They are all spammy scams to get permissions from you and con you to invite all of your friends. They will give you one little picture and then sneak into your house at night and rape you. True story.
Allow this Twitter feed to get raped for you. Hell, it even allows you to comment directly on the content, which is nice of them to set up. It also tells you which ones are surveys or not, so you no longer have to sell your opinion for a split second Lol. Even better: you end up seeing many of the pages you normally wouldn’t notice because your friends are hopefully smart enough not to click the dirty things. It’s useful, doesn’t waste time, and I click it everytime I see it. Did I sell it enough for you there?

Recent Tweets:
OMG! Look What this American Teacher did to this Student for goofing off http://bfp.bz/jqlzg
WOW, This GUY Went A Little Too Far WITH His REVENGE On His EX GIRLFRIEND! http://bfp.bz/ahsze
Cheerleaders so Hot They Had to Be Banned http://bfp.bz/xrfzd



02. OMGFacts
Tweets For The Brain
http://twitter.com/OMGFacts
1,042,109 Followers

These guys are actually fairly new but have climbed the social ladder with such fury based purely on the amazing content they churn out daily. It's got to the point that if you don't follow them, you know nothing about anything. The concept is exactly what the concept says: daily facts that make you go OMG. They are also presented in such great neat ways, with links to pictures, sources, and a bunch of other details. It’s fun for the whole family and educational, so even your hot daughter can have a good time with it.
These guys also do GivesMeHope (which I lurve) and other super rad internet thingies. They are young people too and deserve all the attention anybody can possibly give them for their brilliant efforts. Hell, you even get specialised streams of OMGFactsSex and OMGcelebfacts, and really - what else do you need in life besides more information you can banter about at the pub? That's what I thought.

Recent Tweets:
Your hair is all DEAD! Details --> http://bit.ly/aJ3h8z
Pigs are considered to be SMARTER than 3-year-old human children! What can pigs do? --> http://bit.ly/c38Fyr.
Lightning strikes the earth approximately 8,640,00 times per day. That makes for 100 lightning strikes PER SECOND!



01. BestWorstAdvice
Bad Advice
http://twitter.com/BestWorstAdvice
50,558 Followers

And here it is: my unchallenged favourite Twitter account forever and ever (for right now).
As like any good entry in this list, the name says it all. It’s advice for your day to day life. Really good advice that would never ever work and probably send you directly to jail, lose all your friends, and leave you addicted to drugs with an STD.
I laugh at least once a day at these guys, which is more than Facebook and YouTube on a bad day. I have no idea who is sitting on the other side of the web pulling this shit out of their ass, but I would buy them a beer.
Unfortunately, nothing I say here would do it any justice, I feel unfunny just by talking about them. Follow already unless you are easily offended, in which case, you really shouldn't be on my blog in the first place.

Recent Tweets:
What would Jesus do? Get stoned then hammered.
Concerned about global warming? Lower the A/C temperature.
Men: Want maintain an erection longer? Tape popsicle sticks to the sides of your penis.


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