Wednesday, 30 December 2015

Dear 2015,

Dear 2015
Hey! How's it going, dude? It's me, Jared. Jared Woods?

I want to start this letter by saying 2014 was a dick! He was a douchebag! A total asshole! Don't worry, he's so far gone now that I doubt he can hear us—we can say whatever we like! He was a prick! A PRICK, I TELL YOU!! Ok, granted, it was 2013 who tied my laces together and pushed me over on the playground, but it was 2014 himself who laughed and pointed as I lay face-first in my own puddle of anxiety and self-loathing tears. Seriously, what was up with that guy? Why was he so mean??

Which is why I want to thank you, 2015. You took my hand and dragged my sorry ass all around, leading me to places of the world I never even knew existed. You forced me to do sit-ups when I ate too much ice-cream. You slapped my cheeks with blank pieces of paper, demanding I fill them with creative rubbish only we would truly understand. You didn't care that my insides felt lonelier than they ever had, and that my legs wobbled from submissive exhaustion. You knew there was more to life than heartbreak and depression, and were adamant that we explored it together. Perhaps you are only a designated unit of time, but I feel we really bonded, you know. I'll even ignore all that police brutality, terrorism, selfie sticks, mixtapes, and fucking minions (!!) you insisted on talking about, because when we were alone, you kept the distractions high by constructing a toolbox of hard-earned lessons, all of which armed me with weapons able to fight off any monster lurking beneath the crevices of my mind. Every day was a quest which ended with a final boss, and we would slay them to obtain a new piece of the prized puzzle, one which began to resemble an arrow pointing towards the fastest track of personal healing. Who knew that my happiness tank didn't have to be 100% full to appreciate how beautiful life is? Damn, how much fun was all of this in hindsight? How funny was my morbid expression when we look back at the photos now? Which is why I gladly dub thee, 2015, the most exciting and adventurous year of my whole decade so far, by far. What a legend you are.

I can never pretend to imagine what it's like to be a collection of 365 days, when your imminent demise is as close to you as it is now. I hope it's not scary or anything. If it was me, I'd imagine it to feel like some bad curry made out of Tabasco sauce and an existential crisis, all bubbling in my stomach, threatening to blow my asshole outwards. I'd be asking myself unsettling questions, like: was I significant enough? Was I memorable enough? Could have I offered more to this world in hopes of influencing some sort of a higher consciousness? But then again, perhaps this is not how it works. Perhaps I am personifying you for the sake of my own reflections. Perhaps you don't even exist. Perhaps you do exist, but don't care whatsoever. Maybe I'm putting ideas in your head. Forgive me if this is the case, but I am merely a silly human being, after all.

Let's put that aside, and rather focus on my gift to you. This letter. I have taken it upon myself to break down everything that made you, you. All of the ingredients, good and bad, neatly organised by date and complete with a helpful little key system to easily skip ahead to the parts you actually care about. I hope you appreciate this, 2015, and let's catch up about what we learned at the end. Are you ready? Are you sure? Ok, let's do this.

Personal stuff that relates to me.
Notable people who have died.
General news, often of a political nature.
Some big event.
Disasters, mostly natural.
Internet related news.
Music related news.
Film/TV related news.
Science/Technology related news.
Award ceremonies.
Gigs I went to.
Books I read.
Blogs I wrote/Juice Nothing related news.
Music I made/Coming Down Happy related news.
Videos we made/The Funpowder Plot related news.
Paintings I did all by myself.
Dennis Publishing (my job) related news.
My tweets which I am the most proud of.

Dear 2014, January: I get religious tattoos; Thug Life meme takes flight; Charlie Hebdo pisses off terrorists to shoot people; Bizarre mag gets shut the fuck down; Exploding Kittens card game raises more money than anyone else ever.

01 Jan
Hello 20-15!
Started the year as a very cheerful little boy, surrounded by good friends, listening exclusively to David Bowie, and exchanging numbers with homosexual boys. When considering how terrible my New Years luck normally is, this was a fantastic introduction to the next 365 days.
Also, Dry January began here. Wish me luck!
The Eurasian Economic Union initiates, forming a political and economic union between Russia, Belarus, Armenia, Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan.
The nineteenth country joins the Eurozone party, namely Lithuania.

02 Jan
Worth mentioning here that in 2014, my company launched our very own UK version of the popular Mental Floss website, designed to make your brain smarter. You probably have to be in this country to view it, but I played a huge role in its execution, and am proud either way.

03 Jan
Bernice Madigan was the oldest living resident of Massachusetts, the fourth-oldest living person in the US, and the world's fifth-oldest living person in the world at the time of her death, which was today. She was 115 years, 163 days young.

04 Jan
It had existed since June 2014, but around here the Thug Life sensation really rose into a higher global consciousness, as one of the more funny mememe thingythings of the year.

05 Jan
And thus begins my usual narcissistic #Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 list, where I bestow upon you what I consider my very best Tweets of 2015, starting with:
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (1/50): I find that many amusing stories start with the words "to be fair, I was drunk, but...".

06 Jan
Some guy ran out of toilet paper on a Virgin train, and it went viral. We are definitely in the future now, peeps.

07 Jan
Nike announces Back to the Future shoes, which was pretty good timing.
Islamist terrorist Al-Qaeda Brothers, Saïd and Chérif Kouachi, broke into (French satirical newspaper) Charlie Hebdo's offices, and killed 12 people as well as injuring a further 11. Several related attacks followed in the Île-de-France region, where five more were killed. After a large manhunt and more shooting, the perpetrators were murdered dead themselves.
Rodney Sturt “Rod” Taylor was an actor who starred in loads of stuff including The Birds, Inglourious Basterds, and One Hundred and One Dalmatians. He died today from a heart attack, at the age of 84.

08 Jan
YouTuber Jenna Marbles uploaded a video called “Kylie Jenner Lip Tutorial” which told viewers to suck on a shot glass to get bigger lips. As I type this, the video has earned nearly 7 million hits, and at its peak (around April the 17th) there were 2,380 Twitter hashtag mentions; more than 164,000 tweets; 500 Vines; and 42,000 Instagram posts, all in one day.

09 Jan
Today I made the bold decision to start taking Instagram more seriously. Omg, like, follow me! xxxx

10 Jan
No fear, today I got a pentagram tattooed on my one arm, and a crucifix on the other. So hardcore and controversial! Definitely a good idea, right?
Timothy Lee Drummond primarily played bass, touring and recording with artists such as Bob Dylan; James Brown; Eric Clapton; Neil Young; Crosby, Stills, & Nash; Miles Davis; B.B. King; Joe Cocker; and many others. He died today at 74 for some reason I'm sure.

11 Jan
After being told terminal cancer left him with only one week to live, 17-year-old Gage Garmo announced that his final wish was to meet his hero Eminem. The rapper caught wind of this request and immediately paid the boy a visit, fulfilling with his dream. Garmo passed away one day later. Feel good, feel sad.
72nd Golden Globe Awards tonight. Birdman, The Theory of Everything, and Boyhood won multiple awards, which is all I really cared about.

12 Jan
David Cameron announces that encrypted communications will be backdoored or banned in the UK at some point, which includes WhatsApp and iMessage. Nothing has happened just yet, but I really struggle to see how people are going to let this go quietly. It's scary.
Darrell H. Winfield was best known as The Marlboro Man in television commercials and magazine advertisements for Marlboro cigarettes. He died today at 85, which is a decent age considering how many people he convinced to smoke until cancer choked their lungs to death. I do love smoking though.

14 Jan
Hey, do you guys remember that quick trend where everyone was suddenly sharing their first ever profile picture? That was fun for a while.

15 Jan
I performed my first ever stand up poetry gig this evening, as part of The Freewheelin' Troubadour's Bus Da Rhymes show. Went down really well, and I even took part in a second one later in the year. Loads of nervous fun!
Despite our company knowing the inside scoop since late 2014, it was officially announced today that Bizarre magazine was getting shut down. As a looooong time fan, I was highly gutted by the decision.
Google announce that they would be ceasing the production of Google Glass, which I was quite surprised about. I mean, yeah, anyone wearing them looked like a twat, but it was definitely a step towards some sort of a sci-fi existence, which I think is the point of technology anyway?
Kim Vincent Fowley was a record producer, known as "one of the most colourful characters in the annals of rock & roll" as well as "a shadowy cult figure well outside the margins of the mainstream," primarily due to his management of the Runaways in the 70s. He died today at the age of 75 from bladder cancer, and very soon afterwards, Runaways bassist Jackie Fox accused the man of drugging and raping her on New Year’s Eve 1975, in front of many other party goers. She was only 16 years old. So, you know, some people weren't too sad to see him go.

16 Jan
Today, two videos using the term Unexpected Jihad were uploaded to YouTube, and this one was the funniest. In less than a month, the subreddit had over 1,000 submissions and the meme was born. Inappropriate? Yes. Hilarious? Yes.
Alwyn Walter "Walt" Peregoy was an animator who received little publicity over his career, but his stylish work on One Hundred and One Dalmatians and Scooby-Doo was well praised within the community, even resulting in an induction to the Disney Legends roster of 2008. He died today at the age of 89.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (2/50): Why do they call it Dry January when I’m crying all the time?

17 Jan
Saw Die Antwoord at O2 Academy Brixton! Was my fourth time, I think, and as zef as ever.

18 Jan
My faithful Disney Princess hairdryer died :'(
A$AP Mob founder, Steven "A$AP Yams" Rodriguez, was found dead from a mixed drug intoxication at the age of 26. Damn, one year shy from the special list, mate!
Anthony F. Verna invented instant replay, which didn't stop him from dying today at the age of 81.
Dallas Woodrow Taylor Jr. was an American session drummer, best known for his work on Crosby, Stills and Nash's debut album. He died from viral pneumonia and kidney disease at age 66. So much death today!

20 Jan
After 44 years of the practice, The Sun buckles to feminist pressure and stops publishing topless model pics on page three. Because, obviously, a bit of boob appreciation is very harmful to society.

21 Jan
12 years of service, and 4chan founder Moot retires from his management position.

23 Jan
Active day for me! Firstly, I finished my mission of relistening to every David Bowie in chronological order.
Then I secretly snuck out a new design for this very blog, and never told anyone. Not that you would have cared :(((
Then off to watch Slipknot and Korn! Was a very intense show, I loved every second of it, both bands even came onto the same stage at one point and covered Beastie Boys' Sabotage. That's like a 15 year old Jared's wet dream!
Then I got home, about to get into bed, when there came an overly-excited knock at the door. I opened it, and a small Chinese girl burst in, demanding to see my housemate. He got out of bed and was shocked to discover this female was one of his students, who had gone from house to house trying to find him, just so that she could confess her love for him. Was so intense that he had to call the cops to take her away, but naturally, I just locked my room and fell asleep. It really freaked him out for months, though.

25 Jan
Zulkifli Abdhir was one of the FBI's Most Wanted, as a man who made bombs for terrorist groups. There was even a US$5mil reward on his head, and on this day, that head stopped working after it was shot, bang. He was 48.

28 Jan
First blog post of the year, namely The 100 Best Songs Of The Decade So Far (2010 - 2014). It was cool that each review was under 140 characters, but for the most part, it felt like a bit of a fail where I tried to cater for everyone's tastes at the detriment of my own.
Amanda Palmer tweeted "so it appears that local South African sentiment about die antwoord is generally one of disdain," which is bullshit. I quickly corrected her with "It's nothing more than the typical 'jump off the wagon when famous' ordeal. South Africans loved them before they were popular". She retweeted that, and my rib jiggled.
Matthew Inman (The Oatmeal creator) and others launched a Kickstarter campaign for a card game named Exploding Kittens. They were looking to get $10,000. They got that in eight minutes. They got $1 million in 24 hours. They concluded with $8,782,571 by the end, becoming the most-backed Kickstarter project of all time.

29 Jan
Infamous American record producer and music executive Suge Knight killed a guy and hospitalised another in a hit-and-run. He was arrested the following morning.
Daniel Joseph 'Danny' McCulloch was an English musician, best known as the bassist of the The Animals. He died from heart failure today, aged 69.

Dear 2014, February: What colour was that dress?; Katy Perry's left shark was on drugs; Valentines Day cartoons for the broken hearted; I get fucked up in a mansion; Birdman is the Oscar film of the year

01 Feb
Dry Jan over and successful! I celebrated by drinking a lot at the Cart and Horses pub, known as the birthplace of Iron Maiden. I also got laid on this day, which is important to note because this basically never happened in 2015 :/
The Super Bowl XLIX show was stolen by Katy Perry's left shark, who didn't seem to know what was going on.

02 Feb
Little sister starts working at Goodreads today, and I was very proud.

03 Feb
55 years after the original, a sequel to Harper Lee's novel To Kill a Mockingbird was announced.
I quit all processed sugary items on this date, intended to last the whole month, which almost happened.

04 Feb
Shortly after takeoff, TransAsia Airways Flight 235 crashes into the Keelung River, with only 15 survivors out of 53 passengers and five crew.
Taylor Swift trademarks the phrases: 'This sick beat'; 'Party like it’s 1989'; 'Cause we never go out of style'; 'Could show you incredible things'; and 'Nice to meet you. Where you been?', proving once again that I have no idea what trademarks mean and also that Taylor is on some sort of a weird domination trip.

05 Feb
Google and Twitter reach a deal which allows tweets to be shown in search results, which could have some good consequences, and some bad consequences.
After listening obsessively to David Bowie from the dawn of 2015 until now, I managed to push the man up into the 2nd position on my Last.Fm Most Listened to Artists list, knocking Eminem down a slot, which was the main objective anyway.

07 Feb
For my buddies birthday, we went and saw Quantic, Hidden Orchestra, Raggatwins, and Wrongtom at the Forum. I remember Hidden Orchestra the best, they were excellent (and also performed early enough to actually remember).
Joseph Benson Mauldin, Jr. was the double-bassist for The Crickets. He later became a recording engineer at Gold Star Studios, known as the hit factory for Phil Spector and Brian Wilson. Anyway, he died today from cancer, at the age of 74.

08 Feb
Five years at Dennis Publishing, no sweat.
57th Annual Grammy Awards! Sam Smith won four, both Pharrell Williams and Beyoncé won three. With this, Beyoncé became the second-most-honoured female musician in Grammy history following Alison Krauss. However, Beck beat Beyoncé for the Album of the Year, which prompted Kanye West to get up on stage like that whole Taylor Swift thing again, but abruptly left without saying anything. Everyone thought this was a joke, but in later interviews, West stated that he was dead serious. When will it end? Anyway, Lifetime Achievement awards were given to the Bee Gees and George Harrison, so that's nice.
Thom Wilson was a punk rock record producer and engineer, known for albums from Dead Kennedys, Bad Religion, and The Offspring (including the production of their breakthrough 1994 album Smash). Unfortunately, he died today and was not famous enough for me to find out why or how old.

09 Feb
Finished reading one of the toughest novels I have ever got through, namely The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig. Very philosophical, exploring the "metaphysics of Quality" as well as the insanity such a topic may bring. It should come as no surprise that this read was no walk in the park, but it was well written and fucked my head quite a bit, so I'm glad I went for it, especially because now I know a lot more about motorbikes too.

12 Feb
Russia, Ukraine, Germany and France reach an agreement to ceasefire and withdrawal of heavy weapons on eastern Ukraine. It didn't go so well though, because within the first day, the agreement was broken 139 times, and fighting continued.
United Nations Security Council Resolution 2199 was approved, legally granting all fifteen nations of the UN to "combat by all means, in accordance with the Charter of the United Nations and international law, [...] threats to international peace and security caused by terrorist acts". Not quite sure what this means, but figured it sounded important enough.
My brother-in-law is the Studio Manager at Popsicle Studios in Cape Town, and so when a member of Crystal Fighters paid them a visit, he did not hesitate to get a signature on a broken guitar for me. LEGEND.

13 Feb
To celebrate Valentine's Day, I made my very own Funpowder Plot cartoon all by myself, using nothing but Flash and crayons. This was the only Funpowder release this year :(
Me and 5 colleagues bought 240 packs of Jalapeño Crisps, which was 48 each. I'd do it again, you know.
I also made amends with a very special friend on this day. We fell out in 2014. It was awful. We made up by drinking very expensive Ron Zacapa Rum. It was emotional. We are besties again now.

15 Feb
Pretty much the first painting I have ever done was completed today, and of course it was of Miley Cyrus, inspired by Margaret Kane. I enjoyed it so much that quite a few more pieces from this outlet manifested throughout the year.

16 Feb
Despite my band going so well, our guitarist Andy decided to leave to live with his girlfriend in Bristol. This broke our hearts, but we decided not to replace the irreplaceable, and continue as a three-piece.
The Egyptian military begins conducting airstrikes against ISIS in retaliation for the beheading of over a dozen Egyptian Christians.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (3/50): You only know how drunk you are when you try to get your keys into the front door.

17 Feb
June Edna Fairchild was an actress. You may remember her from the 1978 Cheech & Chong film, where she snorts a fuckload of Ajax soap powder. Well, as it so happens, life imitates art sometimes, and drug addiction ultimately destroyed her career and her liver, as she developed cancer in the organ and died today at the age of 68.

19 Feb
Launched one of my best and most popular articles of the year, namely Worst To Best: David Bowie. It's my first ever music related W2B, and I couldn't think of a more deserving person to start with.

20 Feb
My boi The Freewheelin' Troubadour's bachelor party started today. We hired out a mansion in Lincolnshire, where 30 odd boys formulated havoc for three days. What happens in Lincolnshire stays in Lincolnshire, but I will say that I laughed, I cried, I wore a dress most of the time, and I broke every rule I had set for myself, including eating sugar and accidentally having a bite of a meat burrito whilst completely intoxicated. Was so fucking rad that I nearly killed myself multiple times during the weeks following.
Patricia Norris was a costume and production designer, who worked on The Elephant Man, 12 Years a Slave, and Twin Peaks, going on to be nominated six times for the Academy Award for Costume Design. She died today at the age of 83, from natural causes.

21 Feb
Today, the 35th Golden Raspberry Awards honoured the worst movies of the last year. The film Saving Christmas was the night's biggest loser, with four wins including Worst Picture.

22 Feb
The 87th Academy Awards today! Birdman and The Grand Budapest Hotel won four each, and Whiplash won three, all of which I 100% agree with. However, not everything was total gravy, as this ceremony was the least watched Oscars since 2009 (37.2 million US viewers), and was embarrassingly hosted by Neil Patrick Harris.

25 Feb
MORE AWARDS PLS! The 2015 Brits were tonight. Ed Sheeran was the biggest winner with Best British Male and Album of the Year. Sam Smith also won two. Madonna fell off the stage when her cape tried to kill her. Kanye West was muted through most of his performance because of the n-word. A fine night for all.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (4/50): What I like about Miley Cyrus is that we probably all have a legitimate chance of sleeping with her.

26 Feb
Today was that fateful day when the internet split into two. I mean, was The Dress blue and black? Or was it white and gold? There seemed to be no answers, as the debate raged more than 10 million tweets within its first week of existence. It was confirmed to be blue and black, btw, which I obviously knew all alone.

27 Feb
Gary Glitter was jailed for 16 years today, having been found guilty to a bunch of kiddie sex offences.
Leonard Simon Nimoy was one of the more famous deaths of the year, having earned his legendary acting reputation as Mr Spock from the Star Trek franchise. Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease got him, at the age of 83. Beam him up, God.

28 Feb
Another painting today, this time of Slender Man and Madeleine McCann. People were pissed off about this one, damn!

Sometime during this month, the Barber meme became very popular despite running about since last year.

Dear 2014, March: Terry Pratchett dies; Robin Thicke gets sued and loses all his money; Jeremy Clarkson gets fired; I met Kim Gordon ffs; Tidal is a streaming joke

01 March
Round about this date, Table Mountain caught on fire. 6,000 hectares and four properties burnt the fuck up, including the luxury Tintswalo Atlantic Lodge. That's my home town so I was a bit worried.

02 March
The Chinese word/character "duang" suddenly burst onto the internet today, appearing more than 8 million times on the county's micro-blogging site Weibo, despite the fact that nobody really knows what it means.

03 March
The Bank of Canada starts begging that Star Trek fans cease "Spocking" their five dollar bills, which is done by drawing over the seventh prime minister Sir Wilfrid Laurier until he looked like the recently deceased Leonard Nimoy. Fucking lols.
Joni Mitchell's Blue becomes the 2nd album I have Last.Fm Loved every track from, behind only Rumours.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (5/50): My bedroom is very small but if I pretend I’m on an aeroplane it’s fucking luxury.

04 March
#FindDancingMan was a hashtag campaign launched to find an overweight man who was fat-shamed by some mean people mocking his dance moves. It became so popular that even Pharrell Williams, Moby, and Andrew W.K tweeted their support. And it all worked! They found the dude and set up a party where Moby played a set and a lot of people danced with him, including Monica Lewinsky. The world is ok, man.
Finished reading The Faith No More & Mr. Bungle Companion by Greg Prato. Mike Patton is my #1 favourite singer ever, and as a result, I highly enjoyed this book more than most people would (even if Prato is far from a good writer).
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (6/50): Next time you see a really beautiful person just remember they are essentially a glorified monkey and that’s pretty weird.

05 March
The ancient city sites of Nimrud, Hatra and Dur-Sharrukin in Iraq are demolished by the those pesky ISIS people.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (7/50): God is cool because you can pretty much blame him for everything.

06 March
Today I received an email from work, thanking me for my five years of service, and granting me 15 extra days holiday, as well as 15 days extra pay, free of charge. I like such things.
NASA's probe named Dawn begins to orbit around Ceres, the first spacecraft to visit a dwarf planet ever.

07 March
After the only dickhead living in my Stratford house moved out, he was replaced by a girl named Hannah, who went on to be one of my favourite peoples in the world.
Perhaps my best painting of the year was finished today, namely Goodbye, Kitty.

08 March
Samuel Michael "Sam" Simon did a lot of things, but was best known as the co-creator of The Simpsons. Cancer attacked most of his organs and he died today, at the age of 59.

09 March
In Northwest Argentina, two helicopters smashed into each other, killing all ten passengers, including Olympic gold medalist swimmer Camille Muffat and Olympic bronze medalist boxer Alexis Vastine.

10 March
Last year, Marvin Gaye’s estate sued Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams with claims that Blurred Lines ripped off Gaye's Got To Give It Up. Today, the verdict was reached in Gaye's favour, forcing Thicke and Williams to pay $7.3 million in damages, which is surely all the money Robin had. It was a landmark case for music copyright, and I strongly disagree with the outcome.
Due to some Court of Appeal fuck up, ecstasy, ketamine, and crystal meth were all legal in Ireland for 48 hours.
After punching one of Top Gear's producers, Jeremy Clarkson was ultimately let go from the show. Some people were very upset, others were very happy, I wasn't too bothered.
My brother's Facebook account got hacked, and then proceeded to post pornography to all of his friends' pages, including cousins, aunts, uncles, and my parents. Poor dude, sorted it out real quick, but naturally stressed him out a bit. Personally, I found it hilarious.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (8/50): Spoiler alert: everyone dies in the end.

11 March
Finished reading The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. It's pretty famous and essential reading, so I was glad to have added its magic to my life.

12 March
Undoubtably one of the biggest passings of 2015 was Sir Terence David John "Terry" Pratchett, Kt, OBE, the author of about 40 Discworld books. Alzheimer's got him, at the age of 66.

14 March
Watched my one housemate get her nipple pierced, was well interesting.

15 March
I bungee jumped off of a 160ft crane! You can watch me do so here.
Kendrick Lamar releases To Pimp a Butterfly, considered by most to be the best album of 2015, including me.
Michael Joseph Porcaro was the bass player for Toto. After suffering from Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, he died in his sleep at age 59.

16 March
Kanye West is announced as the Glastonbury headliner, and the world completely loses their shit. In fact, over 130,000 signed a petition against the decision, but in the end he nailed it. Kanye rocks.

17 March
I met Kim Gordon! I went and watched a live interview with her and then bought her book and she signed it! She even wrote my name down! MY NAME! KIM GORDON!
To Pimp a Butterfly breaks the Spotify record books with 9.6 million streams on its first full day of release, more than any other LP evah.
Microsoft announces the true death of Internet Explorer, as the whole project is to be replaced by Microsoft Edge.

19 March
Leandra Becerra Lumbreras was said to have lived to be 127 years old, until she died today. Unfortunately, she lost her birth certificate, meaning she couldn't prove her claim, making this a kinda pointless entry, sorry.

20 March
Convinced I was dying, I went to the hospital to get my heart checked out once and for all. After extensive tests which included wires stuck all over my body and blood sucked from my veins, they confirmed I was the pinnacle of health, remarking that I had the lowest cholesterol the doctors had ever seen (they honestly said that). Hmmm, so I guess they were just panic attacks after all.
There was apparently a solar eclipse today, but nobody could see it, so it was just one big let down. THANKS A LOT, GOD.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (9/50): If I’m ever in a horrific accident and lose my memory, please play me my own music. I’d love to know what I really think.

23 March
Christopher James Hardman (known by the stage name Lil' Chris) was that cute singer kid who rose to fame from the TV show Rock School, where Gene Simmons made a band from students. After which, he had a relatively successful solo career, but unfortunately struggled with depression, and ultimately killed his 24 year old self on this day :(
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (10/50): It’s got to the point that I have to check my blog to remember my opinions.

24 March
My mate Paul smashed his head in whilst running around drunk in Brighton. We all thought he had died or at least would be permanently damaged, but he's fine, and all it took was 41 staples. Look at that scar, it's no fucking joke.
Germanwings Flight 9525 was crashed on purpose by suicidal pilot Andreas Lubitz, killing all 144 passengers and six crew members.

25 March
Launched 20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II). Part 1 was so successful that I tried to cash in on those hits, but it didn't do so well and I am not comfortable with it whatsoever.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (11/50): All I want is a girlfriend that will sing Anyone Else But You together with me like the end of Juno.

27 March
As an attempt to crush my anxiety once and for all, I spent a large portion of early 2015 in over-the-phone therapy sessions. We hit some massive breakthroughs, and on this day I was rated 7 out of 21 for anxiety (5 is normal), which was a vast improvement from my original 19. As a result, today they closed my case, and I have to admit that when looking back at 2014, goddamn, I am doing soooo much better. I don't know how I lived like that.

28 March
Tuti Tojiboyevna Yusupova was an Uzbekistani longevity claimant, and at 134 years, 270 days, could have been the oldest person ever. But now she's dead.

29 March
Anne Woods was a British 28 time women's world champion gurner, which is when you can distort your face really fucking weird. She died today at the age of 67, apparently.

30 March
On my way to India and ... I missed my flight :( Never fear, nothing £600 couldn't fix (ouch!).
Jay-Z's streaming service Tidal is announced, offering lossless audio with a hefty price tag. It became somewhat of an industry joke as the year went on.
Roger Allen Slifer was a comic book writer who was credited at co-creating one of the best DC characters ever, Lobo. After a 2012 hit-and-run accident, he was placed in institutional care until his death today, at age 60.

31 March
This very blog hits half a million total views.

Dear 2014, April: Sarah and Dion Power get married; Ray Charles dies; Earthquakes in Nepal and Avalanches on Everest; Kurt Cobain has new films and even an album; Grooveshark gets shut the fuck down

01 April
Second time lucky, I actually caught my flight to India, landing in Udaipur. Wow, what an experience with so many incredible events that I could never detail them all. However, I will try my best over the next few entries.
My company's now defunct YouTube channel Teccles Cake release video with me as a guest star, discussing Facebook and other such things.
As per usual, April Fools Day had some weird effects on the interwebz. Google made Pacman for maps; Reddit unveiled the /r/thebutton subreddit featuring an interactive button which counts down from 60 seconds, and could only be clicked once per each user, resetting the counter for no reason (?); and Samsung announced the Galaxy BLADE Edge, a smart phone so thin it can serve as a cooking knife.
John Lennon's first wife, Cynthia Lennon, was defeated by cancer today at the age of 75. The couple's son Julian was by her side.
Robert Walker was an Academy Award-nominated animator who was known for his Disney work on The Rescuers Down Under, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, The Lion King, Mulan, and Lilo & Stitch. He died of a heart attack today, aged 54.

02 April
Today, the Al-Qaeda offshoot, Al-Shabaab, took responsibility for the gunmen who stormed the Garissa University College in Garissa, Kenya, killing 147 people and injuring 79 or more. They took over 700 students hostage, freeing Muslims and killing those who identified as Christians. All four shooters were killed the same day. The attack was the deadliest in Kenya since 1998, and the second deadliest overall.

03 April
David Letterman announces his Late Show retirement. His last episode (May 20th) featured cameos from The Simpsons, Alec Baldwin, Barbara Walters, Steve Martin, Jerry Seinfeld, Jim Carrey, Chris Rock, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Peyton Manning, Tina Fey, and Bill Murray, and was watched by 13.76 million US viewers, earning the show its highest ratings since 1994. It was also the highest-rated program on network television that night, beating out all prime-time shows.
Robert Lewis "Bob" Burns Jr. was the drummer for Lynyrd Skynyrd, dying when his car hit a tree outside his house. He was 64.

04 April
My friends The Freewheelin' Troubadour and Sarah became the Power couple today, with one of the most beautiful wedding ceremonies I've ever seen. Melted my icy heart, it did :')

05 April
It's difficult to remember what days were what, but by this point, India travels were well underway. Highlights included: riding in some cable car; drinking bhang lassi (which fucked me up!); smiling at some elephants; beating the shit out of each other in a swimming pool; avoiding the millions of holy cows; and drinking all the alcohol in the country.

06 April
Absolute legendary musician Ray Charles died today from cancer, at the respectable age of 96. Frank Sinatra once called him "the only true genius in show business"; Billy Joel once stated that he thought "Ray Charles was more important than Elvis Presley"; and Rolling Stone once ranked Charles as the 10th "Greatest Artist of All Time" as well as the second "Greatest Singer of All Time". He changed music, basically, and will be missed forever.

07 April
India missions continue, as a select crew of legends ventured onwards to Bundi. The main thing I remember from this short stop was running around some palaces and forts, trying to avoid any attacks from rabid monkeys. Christ, India is cool.
Unexpected John Cena is a meme where the WWE wrestler's intro music generally ends a video in some funny or scary way. I didn't think it was amazeballs, but it won The Know Your Meme Reader’s Choice Meme of 2015, so some of you might appreciate it.

08 April
On the road again, and we spent a substantial amount of time in Jaipur from here. Some super amazing shit happened in our hotel which I can never talk about, but in many ways, I consider this to be the highlight of the whole trip.
2013 Boston Marathon bomber, Dzhokhar Anzorovich "Jahar" Tsarnaev, was found guilty on all thirty counts of his indictment, and it was recommended by the judge that the man should be sentenced to death by lethal injection. We are still waiting on that though, I believe.

09 April
Round about here, that statue of Cecil Rhodes in Cape Town was pulled down after continuously being defaced with excrement, paint, and plastic bags. It kinda makes sense, as he was a figurehead in the apartheid movement, and we just aren't there anymore, bro.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (12/50): Indian people are so spiritual because you've never quite prayed for mercy so fiercely when dealing with Delhi belly in 35 degree heat.

10 April
Kurt Cobain: Montage of Heck got a limited theatrical release on this day, and I thought it was fucking inspirational. Now consider this with the accompanying (terrible) solo album release and the unrelated suicide conspiracy documentary Soaked in Bleach, and the dude had a good year despite being dead for over 20 years. I nearly even made him the King of 2015 for these reasons, but there was someone else on my mind...
Jin Youzhi was the fourth and youngest son of Zaifeng, and was the last surviving sibling of Puyi, the final ruler of the Qing Dynasty and last Emperor of China. The Chinese media referred to him as "The Last Emperor's Younger Brother" or "The Last Imperial Younger Brother", and now he is gone, at the not-so-young age of 96.

11 April
Me and my mate Henry temporarily split from the India group to go hang out in Agra. It was the worst hotel ever, where the mosquitoes raped us and the TV didn't work. We got pretty drunk though.

12 April
Went and looked around the Taj Mahal today. Honestly, so amazing. Didn’t think I’d be into something like that, but it blew my mind, you should check it out.
25-year-old African American Freddie Gray was arrested so violently that he sustained fatal injuries, dying a week later. It was ruled a homicide and legal charges were issued against the six officers involved in the incident, including that of second-degree murder. As a result, there were loads of protests, leading to many injuries of police officers and at least 250 arrests.
Protein World launched a controversial weight loss advert today, which featured a lady in a bikini with the caption “Are you beach body ready?” Activists accused it of "body shaming" and promoting “unrealistic body images” and other such social justice clichés. People with a bit more tub posed in bikinis next to it, people vandalised them, petitions were signed, and eventually it was forced down. Personally, I saw nothing wrong with it, as you see similar ads all the time, and "beach body ready" is a common term that girls use every summer, so I consider this to be yet another example of oversensitivity above anything else. But, then again, what do I know? Because I'm always beach body ready.
2015 MTV Movie Awards. Neighbors, The Fault in Our Stars, and The Maze Runner won three, while The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1, won two.

13 April
And then off to Dehli, our final stop in the India mission, which is a much more touristy area, but also with its own amazing quirks. At this point, I was fairly tired, I'll admit.
Herbert William was a comic book artist, best known as the seminal 1970s artist on The Incredible Hulk and the first artist to ever draw for Wolverine. He died today at the age of 75, and I have no idea why.

15 April
My last day in India, and I spent it all by myself. I started by trying to give money to a homeless kid, and was quick to find out that this was a bad idea, as I was suddenly surrounded by desperate mothers and childrens' sticky fingers begging for more, basically mugging me, making me scared but also so sorry for these people. Because of this, I decided to make my day even weirder and went to go check out the red light district, which was filthy and sad, with women of all ages positioned behind their barred windows, looking out like some caged animals. Kinda miserable, very overwhelming, but also a hugely interesting sign-off to one very unique holiday.

16 April
And then I was finally back in London, completely shocked and moved by India itself, like a whole lifetime within a lifetime. And even though I had to remember how to work and forget about the Sun again, it was nice to drink water from the tap as well as take a shit in a proper toilet.
However, it wasn't all curries and sunshine, as when I landed, our keyboardist Milz decided to leave the band, ultimately destroying it. Honestly, this sucked more than I give it credit for, as this band was one of the best ones I've ever been involved with, and I mourn the fact that no one will know the genius behind it.

17 April
Jack Rieley managed the Beach Boys during the early 1970s, and is credited with guiding them back to acclaim, as well as occasionally co-songwriting with the band. He died today at 72, IdnoY.

21 April
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (13/50): I’m very attracted to you so please pardon me whilst I act excruciatingly awkward until you feel so unbearably uncomfortable that you leave.

23 April
Sawyer Storm Sweeten was the child actor who played Geoffrey on Everybody Loves Raymond. Today, he shot his own head apart, dying at age 19.

24 April
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (14/50): Lighten the somber topic of death by taking bets on which of your friends will be next.

25 April
Massive earthquake in Nepal killed over 8,800 people and injured 23,000 more, standing as the worst natural disaster to strike Nepal since 1934. It also triggered an avalanche on Mount Everest, killing 19 people and making it the deadliest day on the mountain in history. What makes this incident even more stomach-churning, was that my cousin Donna was actually on the mountain at the time. Thank God, she came out fine, but we all held our breaths for what felt like forever until we knew she was safe. Shew!!!
For the second time, Teccles Cake release a video with me as their guest, this round featuring my bitching about the UK's new porn laws. I was just impressed they actually published such a filthy thing.

27 April
Andrew Lesnie was an Academy Award winning cinematographer who worked on The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit trilogies. He died of a heart attack at age 59 today.

28 April
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (15/50): I’m a vegetarian but I’ll kick the shit out of a pigeon.

29 April
Mary Jane Fiesta Veloso was arrested for smuggling heroin into Indonesia. She claimed she was duped and did not know about the drugs, but was still sentenced to death regardless. However, after a series of fortunate events (including a huge global uproar, the fastest-growing petition from the Philippines ever with over 250,000 signatories, the disruptive Philippine elections, the opportunity to stand as a witness during the trial of her alleged human trafficker, etc), she was spared and is still alive and well. Her mother called it a miracle.
North and South America become the first regions of the world to eradicate German measles, after no home-grown cases in five years.
Round about here, the expression "Dad Bod" gained mass momentum despite existing since 2009. The term is used to describe an adult male who is quite staunch with a bit of a beer belly. Apparently girls like this now, which puts me out of business.
Launched one of the quickest blogs of my career, namely The 15 Greatest Smiths Lyrics Ever. Twas ok, twas ok.

30 April
Signed up for the coolest gym in the world, Gymbox. I even got a trainer for the next few weeks, and thus began my obsessive health trip which followed me around for the rest of the year. I even cut my regular 11 cigarettes a day down to three, so like, what's actually happening here? I'm not sure, but it makes me feel POWERFUL.
For the first time in April, I jerked off to porn. This is a bigger deal than you may think.
Music streaming website Grooveshark gets shut down as part of a settlement between the service and Universal Music Group, Sony Music Entertainment, and Warner Music Group. And allow me be the first to say NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Benjamin Earl King (known as Ben E. King) was a R&B singer, best known as the vocalist/co-composer of Stand by Me. This song is fucking massive: a US Top 10 hit in 1961 and later in 1986; a number one hit in the UK in 1987; and no. 25 on the RIAA's list of Songs of the Century. He died today at the age of 76.

During this month, there was a sad upsurge in xenophobic attacks throughout South Africa, my birthplace. Zulu King Goodwill Zwelithini has been accused of fuelling the attacks by saying that foreigners should "go back to their countries", and before we knew it, locals were looting shops and attacking immigrants, which sucked balls. Soon enough though, people protested, denouncing xenophobia and good seemed to prevail for the most part.

Dear 2014, May: Torries win the election; Princess Charlotte is born; Mr Burns nearly loses his voice; BB King leaves us; George Bacon passes into piggy heaven

01 May
Bit of a weird one, I went away with some old school friends to a caravan park in Rye, and shit went DOWN. As much as I'd love to tarnish names, I'm trying to be a better person, so I'll just say that it was a complete disaster, especially after the incredibly eye-opening spiritual experience of India. I left early with three less friends on Facebook than I had before. Whoosh byebye.

02 May
Charlotte of Cambridge was born to Prince William and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge. Welcome, Princess!
That fateful Floyd Mayweather, Jr. vs. Manny Pacquiao boxing match disappointed everyone. I didn’t watch it.
Ryan McHenry was the creator of the excellently funny Ryan Gosling Won't Eat His Cereal meme, and he sadly passed away today from osteosarcoma at the rockstar age of 27. As a tribute, Ryan Gosling himself finally ate his cereal, which is about as cool as it gets.

04 May
Ellen Rose Albertini Dow was an actress best known for playing feisty old ladies, like that rapping grandma in The Wedding Singer. She died today at 101.

05 May
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (16/50): I love painkillers. It’s like “hmmm, my brain is saying something is wrong here, better turn that off immediately”.

07 May
The United Kingdom general election of 2015, and despite nobody I know voting for them, the Conservatives won again, and everyone was sad.

08 May
A Mil Mi-17 twin-turbine transport helicopter operated by the Pakistan Army crashed in Naltar, killing eight people including the ambassadors of Norway and the Philippines to Pakistan, as well as the spouses of the Indonesian and Malaysian ambassadors to Pakistan. Apparently the stupid tail rotor failed.

09 May
After attending a highly controversial parade led by the country’s far-right, Islamophobic political group English Defense League, a photographer snapped an image of a police officer who became known as Bearded Hipster Cop.

10 May
YouTuber Doki Doki uploaded footage of his cat jumping high in fear after being surprised by a large cucumber, and now we have Cats vs. Cucumbers.
Christopher Lee "Chris" Burden was a fucked up artist who did some strange shit like literally getting crucified on a VW Beetle; spending twenty-two days lying on a triangular platform in the corner of a gallery; and getting shot in his left arm for art sake. He died today at age 69 from melanoma.
Jerry Nicholas Dior was a graphic designer, best known for creating the Major League Baseball logo. He died of colon cancer at age 83 today.

11 May
Version O of Les Femmes d'Alger by Pablo Picasso sells for US$179.3 million at Christie's auction, while the sculpture L'Homme au doigt by Alberto Giacometti sells for US$141.3 million. These both set a new world record for the highest amount paid for a painting and a sculpture, respectively.
Isobel Varley was the Guinness World Records recognised "most-tattooed senior woman" ever. At least 76% of her body was covered in tattoos, and so she died colourful at age 77, from Alzheimer's disease.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (17/50): I like mirrors cos look there’s another one of me.

12 May
Thanks to BuzzFeed, the phrase “cheeky Nando’s” became very popular today, especially in regards to America's confusion over what it meant.
Yet another major earthquake in Nepal, measuring 7.3 on the Richter scale, killing more than 200 peeps in Nepal, India, China and Bangladesh
Olympe Amaury was the oldest living person in France, the second oldest living person in Europe, and the 10th oldest living person in the world. She died at the age of 113 years and 327 days.
William MacDonald was known as "the (Sydney) Mutilator", and Australia's first true serial killer. Between 1961 and 1962, he used to violently stab his victims dozens of times in the head and then cut off their testicles. He was eventually caught, sentenced to five consecutive life sentences, and was sent to Hell today at the age of 90.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (18/50): The Lord works in mysterious ways, but so does a microwave and you don’t see anyone writing a Bible about it.

13 May
Harry Shearer (known as the voice for Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Ned Flanders, Reverend Lovejoy, Kent Brockman, Dr. Hibbert, Lenny Leonard, Principal Skinner, and Otto Mann on The Simpsons) announces he will be leaving the show due to some contractual dispute. Replacements were discussed, people (including me) threw a fit, and eventually it was all resolved. Crisis averted!

14 May
As you should know, B.B. King was a blues songwriter, and he was very good. So good, in fact, that Rolling Stone ranked King as the sixth greatest guitarist of all time and he was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He is often considered to be one of the most influential blues musicians of all time, performing more than 200 concerts per year on average well into his 70s. This all came to crashing end today, when high blood pressure and diabetes killed the legend at the age of 89. Thanks for everything, mate.

15 May
No idea what took me so long, but literally 10 minutes from my work is the exact location David Bowie shot the cover art for the Ziggy album. Today I finally visited the place, and I touched myself.

16 May
Was pretty stoked with this Teletubbies painting inspired by Picasso.
Today I watched Prodigy all up in Alexadra Palace. I danced aggresively withy my shirt off.

17 May
The 2015 Billboard Music Awards went down. Taylor Swift owned, winning eight out of her 14 nominations. Sam Smith, Iggy Azalea, and Pharrell Williams scored three each.

18 May
President Obama joins Twitter.

19 May
For my records, I had another family falling-out on this day for all the same reasons. I think my bullshit tolerance really dropped this year.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (19/50): Share your coke with Jared.

20 May
Joined Savage Hearts dating website, mostly because I am the cover model and I figured it would be a good pick up line. It wasn't.
Mary Ellen Trainor was an actress best known as Dr. Stephanie Woods from the Lethal Weapon films and as Mikey and Brand's mom in The Goonies. She was 62, and it was pancreatic cancer that got her.

21 May
Jesus Christ, I saw Swans tonight. Talk about an endurance test, it was without a doubt the most intense show I have ever been to, and probably ever will. As my friend Stu put it, "If we can survive Swans, we can survive anything".
Louis Johnson was a bass guitarist who played on a lot of records, the most notable of which being the "best selling album of all time" Thriller. Apparently it was unexpected, and I'm not sure why, but he died today at 60 years young.
Late of the Pier are an underrated band, and their drummer, Ross Dawson, passed away very suddenly today, for reasons unknown.

22 May
Finished reading Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez. It was incredible, one of the best books I've ever had the pleasure of experiencing, and he is unchallenged as my favourite author ever. I believe in love again!

23 May
By popular vote, Ireland becomes first country to legalise same-sex marriage.
Sweden win the Eurovision Song Contest 2015, with "Heroes" by Måns Zelmerlöw.

26 May
John Frusciante (known as the best guitarist in the world, from Red Hot Chili Peppers) announced that he will no longer release music for public consumption.
After 18 years, BBC axe Never Mind the Buzzcocks :(
And to conclude a bad day for music, I started jamming with another guy in hopes of starting something historical. After a while, however, I realised we didn't sound like Sonic Youth, and so I quit.

27 May
My first short story of the year was launched today, namely The Kübler-Ross Model. When I released it, I wasn't 100% satisfied, feeling it was a bit bloated and aimless. However, I reread it recently, and I'm actually pretty stoked with the thing in hindsight. It's meaty.
Around here sometime, prosecutors exposed some corruption things by FIFA officials. I didn’t care, but if you did, you’d know already.

28 May
Odd Future break up, but I had stopped caring about them ages ago.

29 May
Sam Smith equals The Beatles' Please Please Me record, as his debut album remained in Top Five for entire year. Well done, Sammy boy.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (20/50): That’s impossible, I’m everybody’s type.

30 May
Went to a MAD party and met a girl, promptly falling hopelessly in love with her. A bit of texting later, and her disinterest became very apparent, which marked the moment I made the conscious decision to stop falling in love with every girl who shows me the least bit of attention, and rather dedicated my time to working my ass off. Hence why I remained celibate for the rest of 2015, and perhaps my entire life.
Julie Harris was an Academy Award winning costume designer, who worked on various Beatles and James Bond films. She once famously stated "I must be one of the few people who can claim they have seen John, Paul, George and Ringo naked." She died today after a brief illness from a chest infection, aged 94.

31 May
George Bacon from the South African punk band Hog Hoggidy Hog died today. I knew him personally (as did the majority of Cape Town), and so this passing was particularly depressing. We lost a local legend right here.

In May, poor India was struck by a severe heat wave, killing more than 2,500 people.

Dear 2014, June: Donald Trump announces his presidential campaign and he's a cunt; Caitlyn Jenner is a woman; Christopher Lee dies; Dave Grohl broke a leg; Dylan Roof is a racist cunt who murdered people

01 June
Bruce Jenner is Bruce Jenner no more. Now he/she is only known as Caitlyn Jenner.
Katherine "Kate" Chappell was a film visual effects editor, known as part of the Emmy award winning team who worked on Game of Thrones. Today, she was attacked and killed by a lioness in a Johannesburg animal park, at the age of 29.

02 June
In a bit of a sneaky sneaky, I secretly snuck out an addendum to my previous Kübler-Ross short story, namely The Kübler-Ross Model: The Letter. Shhh!

04 June
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (21/50): All jeans are skinny jeans when you’re a fat person.

05 June
Included for comedic value, was the night I went to the metal party named Face Down, and went, erm, face down. I lost my wallet, couldn't get home, and wandered the streets of London without any clue. I updated my Facebook status to say "APPEASE HELL ME, I HAVE NO HELP" and included my phone number, which was incorrect anyway. I eventually got home, and awoke to tons of concerned messages, voicemails, and phonecalls. Oops! Silly Jared, sorry everyone!

06 June
For some reason, today I decided to text a very special girl who had pretty much been an "enemy" for roughly six years. I wrote some songs about her, you may remember. Anyway, much to my surprise, she was really reciprocative, and we finally discussed exactly what happened in our past until we could work on a friendship again. Slowly but surely, she became one of the most important people to me in 2015, never far from a chat, and I basically fell in love with her by mistake. Hmmm.
The word Smol enters the Urban Dictionary.
Vincent T. Bugliosi, Jr. was an attorney and bestselling author, best known for prosecuting Charles Manson. He died today from cancer at the age of 80.

07 June
Went and watched Run the Jewels, and it was EPIC. I even high-fived both of them at the end of the show, yesplsmama.
Typhoon Komen formed around the North Indian Ocean, eventually killing 363 people and causing US$258 million damage in all sorts of places.
Sir Christopher Frank Carandini Lee was an actor best known for his roles as Count Dracula, Francisco Scaramanga in The Man with the Golden Gun, Saruman in The Lord of the Rings/Hobbit film trilogy, and Count Dooku in the final two films of the Star Wars prequel trilogy. He died today from respiratory problems and heart failure at the age of 93.

08 June
Today Apple announced the new features of iOS 9 and the debut of Apple Music.
The Dark Horse music video by Katy Perry reaches 1 billion views on VEVO, the first for a female artist and the third overall. By the way, it is also the third most-viewed YouTube video of all time, and the most-watched video by a female artist, so there.

10 June
Sometime around here, a group of tourists got naked on top of a sacred Malaysian mountain. Not shortly afterwards, an earthquake killed 18 people, and locals blamed said tourists for angering the gods. They apologised, were fined 5,000 Malaysian ringgit (£859), and were sentenced to three days in jail. Lol.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (22/50): Hey, if you guys want to lose weight and don’t mind spending a bit of money, I’d recommend cocaine.

11 June
At some point in March, an African-American lady named Rachel Dolezal claimed to have received a package containing racist and threatening materials aimed at her person. As the story got bigger, her parents made the announcement that Rachel was, in fact, white, and had been masquerading as black in her later years. Rachel responded by saying she always "identified as black", which I guess is exactly the kind of thing that would happen in 2015.

12 June
Went and saw Arca, and omg. He exceeded any expectations I may have had musically, but even more insane were the visuals, I reckon without a doubt the most impressive I've ever come across. Arca is also really hot too.
Jurassic World was released in the US, generating over $1.6 billion, standing as the third-highest-grossing film of all time as well as the highest-grossing film of 2015 (as well as of the whole franchise).
Dave Grohl falls from the stage, breaks his leg, and finishes the gig. Rockstar!
Van Morrison get knighted.
Richard "Rick" Ducommun was an actor who starred in Groundhog Day, Spaceballs, Die Hard, Jury Duty, Gremlins 2, Last Action Hero, and Scary Movie. He passed today from diabetes, at 62.

14 June
After my boi Adam's 30th birthday the night before, three hungover peeps went and did Go Ape, which is basically where you climb trees and swing from them like a monkey. Was terrifyingly fun.

16 June
It was here that Donald Trump made the formal announcement of his US Presidential candidacy for 2016. Despite some support, people mostly laughed at his outdated racist ideas and stupid hairdo. In fact, his fat face pretty much dominated my 2015 newsfeed, which is why I reluctantly announced Mr Trump as the King of 2015. Here is your crown, sir, which looks strikingly similar to a jester's cap.

17 June
Today was the sad day when 21-year-old Dylann Roof shot up Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in South Carolina during a prayer service. Nine people will killed. The attacker admitted to his crimes immediately, stating he was hoping to start a race war. Meh.
Jeralean Talley was a supercentenarian who, at the age of 116 years 25 days, was the world's verified oldest living person. She received letters from U.S. President Barack Obama on her 114th and 116th birthdays acknowledging her status. Regarding her age, she was once quoted to have said "There's nothing I can do about it." She died peacefully in her sleep today, leaving only two remaining people on Earth who were born in 1800s.

18 June
Went and watched Faith No More. Rolo Tomassi opened. Was about as hectic as you'd image. God, I love my life.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (23/50): “Check it out, this pretty girl is giving you some of her attention, maybe you should give her some of your EVERYTHING.” - my brain, often.

20 June
Hyde Park Summertime Festival. Roots Manuva sucked. The Horrors were good as always. But then just before Blur, I lost my housekeys! It was raining and I was running around, trying to find them, getting wet, starting to feel angry with myself. At some point, I gave up and went back to the main stage when a super magical series of events happened: it suddenly stopped raining, the sun came out, a mate handed me a beer, I pulled my keys out from my pocket, and Blur hit the stage, all at once. It was truly one of the greatest moments in my entire gig history, and I danced my ass off in appreciation. Blur were amazing too, of course of course.
JoAnn Dean Killingsworth (often credited as JoAnn Dean) was an actress known as the first person to portray Snow White at Disneyland upon the theme park's opening in 1955. She died from cancer at the age of 91.

21 June
Taylor Swift pulls 1989 from Apple Music in protest to her non-payment for the three-month free trial period offered to users. Apple immediately buckled, and said they would pay all artists regardless. Honestly, I smell a conspiracy here, Taylor as a purposeful player in the streaming wars to make Spotify look bad, but whatever.
Despite painting this many months ago, today I released to the world my piece of naked Ammr riding a dragon. Lol, he loved it. Sadly, this was my last bit of this creativety for the year.

22 June
Donald "Don" Featherstone was an artist best known for his 1957 creation of the Plastic Pink Flamingo. It's also worth noting that he and his wife Nancy dressed alike for over 35 years, which is just the right amount of eccentricity. He died from Lewy body dementia at the age of 79 today.
James Roy Horner was an Oscar, Golden Globe, and Grammy award winning composer, known for his film scores for Titanic (the best selling orchestral film soundtrack of all time), Avatar, and Apollo 13. He even wrote "My Heart Will Go On" with Will Jennings for Celine Dion. He died today in a solo flight plane crash at age 61.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (24/50): I have facial piercings because I want people to keep their children away from me.

24 June
This was an amazing day! For starters, my meme collection named Cheer Up Emo spread like flames across Facebook, and I received over 400 notifications in 24 hours.
Then I got approved for my Croatian visa!
Then I launched my Worst To Best: Stanley Kubrick article, which I was quite happy with, because Kubrick is pretty much the best director ever.
Then my company launched our new redesigned version of The Week, which is one of our biggest sites, and I was the pointman for the whole project! PROUD.
Then finally, to top it all off in the biggest way possible, I went and saw Fleetwood Mac! FUCKING FLEETWOOD MAC! I had the most expensive tickets you could get, and it was a huge moment in my musical life, as one of my favourite bands that have ever lived. I'll be telling my kids about this one.

26 June
The US Supreme Court rules that same-sex marriage is a legal EVERYWHERE in United States, meaning the 14 states with bans on gay unity no longer meant shit.

27 June
Kanye West calls himself the biggest rockstar on the planet. People didn't like that.
Christopher Russell Edward "Chris" Squire was a musician, best known as the bassist and founding member of Yes. He was the only member to appear on all of their 21 albums. Unfortunately he died today at age 67, from acute erythroid leukemia.

28 June
Sivuqaq, also known as Jocko, was a walrus. He was not only a movie star in 50 First Dates, but was also the subject of extensive research on the vocalisation of walruses. He died today at age 21 from heart failiure.

29 June
This very Juice Nothing blog turned 5 years old today. They grow up so fast :')

30 June
Flight to Croatia! Except... we missed it. Damn, it's no wonder I had started to build a bad reputation for myself by this point.
AC/DC appear on Spotify!
An Indonesian Air Force Lockheed C-130 Hercules crashed into a crowded residential neighbourhood in Meda, killing 143 people including 22 others on the ground. This was the second-deadliest air disaster in Medan's history, as well as the deadliest crash in Indonesian Air Force peacetime ever.
Some wonderful samaritan tried to save Greece by starting an Indiegogo bailout fundraiser. He tried to raise €1,600,000,000 EUR, but only managed €1,930,577, which was a valient effort but ultimately a fail. He did crash Inidiegogo for a short time though, so points there.

Dear 2014, July: I had a wonderful time in Croatia; Google DeepDream fucks me up; Cecil the Lion is murdered in cold blood; Ashley Madison is hacked; My book This is Your Brain on Drugs is finally finished

01 July
Attempt 2, and this time, we got to Croatia! We spent most of the trip in Tisno for Garden Festival, and it was one of the main highlights of 2015. Everything was cheap, the girls were pretty, the weather was HOT, the people were friendly, our apartment was swanky, we swam in the ocean, we tanned on the beach, we rode on boats, we danced for days straight, we witnessed a surprise Bonobo gig, we met tons of people, I wore a tutu, I almost broke my thumb ... it was the epitome of what a holiday should be. I could live there for a year, no problems.
The Google DeepDream code is an artificial intelligence program which generates pictures by attempting to spot details in images and then identifying them. After Google made the code publicly available, it became very popular as people took it in turns to make some of the most mindfuck material that has ever existed. Just watch this. Damn, Google now makes better art than most humans.
Greece becomes the first advanced economy to miss a payment to the International Monetary Fund in their 71-year history.
Cecil was a Zimbabwean lion who was a major park attraction and was being studied and tracked by the University of Oxford as part of a larger study. Dentist Walter Palmer hunted and killed the animal despite its proteced status, and the world was naturally outraged, with various politicians and celebrities swearing his name into the ground. Sad. The lion was 13 years old.
Sir Nicholas George Winton MBE was a British humanitarian who rescued 669 Jewish children during the Second World War. The world only found out about his work over 40 years later, in 1988, and dubbed him the "British Schindler". Dude was a true hero, just watch this. He died peacefully in his sleep today from cardio-respiratory failure at the age of 106.

02 July
Today, much of Reddit was set to private blackouts in protest to the recent firing of Victoria Taylor, an administrator for the popular "Ask me Anything" subreddit. These blackouts continued to intensify until eventually the Reddit CEO, Ellen Pao, resigned. The internet won again.

05 July
After a 61% to 39% vote, Greece reject the bailout conditions proposed jointly by the European Commission, the International Monetary Fund, and the European Central Bank.
Sakari Momoi was a Japanese supercentenarian who was the world's oldest living man until today, when he died from kidney failure at the age of 112 years, 150 days.

06 July
Australian DJ duo Mashd N Kutcher troll an entire crowd with the Spandau Ballet True drop. EDM duo Adventure Club had done this before, but it became much more popular now, and it's basically the greatest thing ever.
Kathleen Rollins Snavely was the world's oldest ever Irish-born person, and died today aged 113 years and 140 days.
Jerome Charles "Jerry" Weintraub an American talent agent, concert promoter, film producer and actor. He has been credited with making "show business history" by being the first to organise and manage large arena concert tours for singers, including Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra, Neil Diamond, Bob Dylan, and Led Zeppelin. He also won some Emmys for his film work, which included The Karate Kid and Ocean's Eleven. He died today from a 77 year old heart attacking itself.

07 July
As part of the long running #FreeTheNipple Instagram war, users were encouraged to crop out male nipples and then photoshop them over female nipples, causing confusion for the sites policies. Look.

08 July
I split from my Croatia crew to go visit the Plitvice Lakes, and OH MY GOD. Without a doubt the most beautiful place I have ever seen with my own eyes, just Google Image search it, it's pretty much not real.
Feminist Facebook design manager Caitlin Winner decided that she didn't like the way the current Facebook Friend Request icon presented the male figure in front, and promptly switched them around. I still think putting them side by side would have been a more positive message, but whatever.
Irwin Keyes was an actor who appeared in The Jeffersons, Friday the 13th, The Flinstones, and House of 1000 Corpses. He died today at age 63 from complications of acromegaly.

10 July
Home from Croatia, and felt like a new man. Due to an oversight at Plitvice, I had to get a £200 taxi to the airport, but some things aren't about money. It's about experiences, and as far as experiences go, this was one of my favourites from the decade. Can't wait to go back.
To help prevent pirating, record labels announce that new albums will be released on Fridays now rather than Tuesdays in the US.
Roger Rees was an Olivier Award, Tony Award, and Obie Award actor and director, widely known for playing the characters Robin Colcord in Cheers, and Lord John Marbury in The West Wing. Brain Cancer killed him at age 71.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (25/50): I just want to go one day without seeing an image of a Minion. ONE FUCKING DAY.

11 July
Satoru Iwata was a Japanese game programmer who served as the fourth president and chief executive officer of Nintendo, widely regarded as a major contributor in broadening video games' appeal to new audiences. He died today due to complications with a bile duct tumour at the age of 55.

13 July
50 Cent files for bankruptcy, and jokes surrounding his apt stage name were quick to spring into action.
After allegations of a racial fuelled violent arrest, Sandra Bland was found hanging in her cell in Waller County, Texas. Various protests followed which resulted in the arresting officer being placed on administrative duty for failing to follow proper traffic stop procedures, and some conspiracy theories about her mysterious death followed.
Eric Wrixon was a musician, known as a founding member of Them and Thin Lizzy. He died today at the age of 68.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (26/50): Some people say that they “don’t do goodbyes”, but I do. In fact, more often than not, I initiate them.

14 July
The New Horizons became the first spacecraft to fly by Pluto, making measurements as well as observing a heart shape on the surface of the planet. D'aw :D
A video of a marmot making a loud squeaking noise was uploaded to Instagram today. Quite a few remixes appeared shortly after, but this one produced one of my largest lols of the year.
Nick Cave's fifteen-year-old son, Arthur, fell from a cliff near Brighton today after eating too much acid, and died :(

15 July
Ashley Madison is a dating service marketed towards people who want to have an affair. Round about here, hackers stole all of their customer data—including emails, names, home addresses, sexual fantasies and credit card information, and threatened to post all these details if the site was not shut down. Naturally, Madison did not negotiate with terrorists, and many names were leaked shortly after. As a result, the CEO stepped down and the parent company, Avid Life Media, offered £240,000 for any information about the hackers.
Aubrey Morris was a British actor best known for his appearances in A Clockwork Orange and The Wicker Man. Not sure how, but he died today at the age of 89.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (27/50): An old man pushed in front of me in the queue this morning, but it’s cool. He has less time than me anyway.

17 July
Went to gym five days in a row, including the attendance of one dance class. Would not recommend.

18 July
Alessandro Federico Petricone, Jr. (known as Alex Rocco) was an actor, playing roles in The Godfather, The Simpsons, Family Guy, Golden Girls, The A-Team, Pinky and the Brain, Home Improvement, and ER. He died today from cancer at 79.
N. Brock Winkless IV was a puppeteer and visual effects technician, best known as the hands behind Chucky in all the Child's Play films. He also helped on Terminator 2. Over the last 15 years, Winkless suffered from a loss of muscle control and eventually died due to complications from the neurological condition at the age of 56.

19 July
Thanks to Den of Geek (a website my company owns, which I basically lead the design/build of *cough*), I got to attend a screening of Pixar's Inside Out for free, a week before it opened in cinemas. After which, we got to ask questions to Pixar royalty Pete Docter and Jonas Rivera, who directed and produced the film as well as many other of the company's greatest. Was so grateful, especially because the movie was one of the best animated features I've ever had the pleasure of viewing (I cried).
Two minutes into the J-Bay Open 2015 finals in South Africa, and a shark seemingly attacked Surfer Mick Fanning by severing his surfboard leash with its teeth. Fanning responded by punching the shark in its face, like a boss.
Josh Greenberg was one of the co-founders of Grooveshark, and was suspiciously found dead today at home, aged 28. No foul play nor suicide is suspected in his death, which is weird.

20 July
Cuba and the United States kiss and make up, re-establishing full diplomatic relations, and ending a 54-year stretch of hostility between the nations. Yay!

21 July
After like four to five years of work, I finally finished writing, illustrating, formatting, spellchecking, cover designing, and creating a print ready pdf of my first ever book, This is Your Brain on Drugs. Little did I know, the hard part had just begun.

24 July
Four days at Secret Garden Party, where I saw Kate Tempest and Caravan Palace, ran around dressed as either a ballerina or a monkey, and got the word "eish" tattooed into my lower inner lip. Unfortunately, it wasn't all fun and games, as it rained the place into a swamp of mud, I bumped into awkward people I would have rather never seen again, and received weird messages from the reptilian army once again. Pretty crap all in all, to be honest.

28 July
Jan Kulczyk was the richest citizen of Poland, with an estimated wealth of 2.6 billion euro, due to various investments which included a 40% stake in Neconde Energy Limited, a company which acquired an oil production license. He died today at the age of 65 due to surgery complications, proving money can't buy everything.
Alayeluwa Oba Okunade Sijuwade was the fiftieth traditional ruler or Ooni of Ife, Nigeria, which is a dynasty that goes back hundreds of years. He died today at age 85.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (28/50): Being ticklish is one of God’s cruelest jokes. It’s like, ok, I know I’m laughing my ass off but I’m actually really upset right now.

29 July
Around this date, an unearthed songbook proved ‘Happy Birthday’ is actually in public domain.
Windows 10 is released to consumers today. It was well received for the most part, par some dodgy privacy personal data concerns.
Went and watched Kate Nash at The Colonel Fawcett, a free and very intimate show. I even met her afterwards, woooo, she's pretty.

30 July
Second short story of the year, namely Raining Teeth. I thoroughly enjoyed writing it, but in hindsight, I worry some of the subtexts weren't clear enough. Oh well, it's part of a much bigger story anyway...
Lynn Rene Anderson was a multi-award-winning country music singer, best known for her megahit "(I Never Promised You a) Rose Garden". She was named "Top Female Vocalist" by the Academy of Country Music twice; "Female Vocalist of the Year" by the Country Music Association; won a Grammy Award with seven nominations; won a People's Choice Award; and an American Music Award. She was also the first female country artist to win the American Music Award ever, as well as the first to headline and sellout Madison Square Garden that same year. She died today from a heart attack at the age of 67.

31 July
Housemate Zoë moved out, and was replaced by Stefan, who is a very cool guy, and we accepted him as one of our own.
Roderick George "Roddy" Toombs (better known as "Rowdy" Roddy Piper) was a professional wrestler, remembered mostly for his WWF work. Ric Flair once called Piper "the most gifted entertainer in the history of professional wrestling", while he accumulated 34 championships in various promotions during his career. He was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame in 2005, and was named the top villain in wrestling history by the WWE. Today he died in his sleep at the age of 61, due to a cardiopulmonary arrest caused by hypertension.

Dear 2014, August: Wes Craven dies like so many fictional characters he's killed; Lenny Kravitz' willy falls out; Refugee crisis begins; Facebook hits one billion active users in one day; One Direction announce split omg

01 Aug
Priscilla Maria Veronica White OBE (known by her stage name Cilla Black) was a singer whose singles "Anyone Who Had a Heart" and "You're My World" both reached #1, while a further nine of her songs hit the top ten at some point. She died from a stroke at age 72 today

02 Aug
Went to the CarstenHoller‬ Art gallery thing, where we took pills we found lying on the floor, wore some weird robot glasses which turned the world upside down, and slid down a massive slide at the end. Was lotsa fun.

03 Aug
After 13 years of marriage, Gwen Stefani filed for divorce from Gavin Rossdale, citing "irreconcilable differences" :(
During a concert in Sweden, Lenny Kravitz’ leather pants split revealing his cock to the world, and #penisgate was born.
The GoFundMe "Let’s Give Bob Dylan A Nice Bed!" raised $1,555 and Dylan received a new bed for some reason.

04 Aug
For the first time in years, I ate Pronutro for breakfast! This is a really big deal for me!

05 Aug
Went to the monthly sober morning rave Morning Gloryville for the first time, and dug it so much that I (almost) didn't miss one for the rest of the year.
Debris found on Réunion Island was confirmed to be that of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370, which had been missing since March 2014.

06 Aug
Tube strikes ruined everyone's life today, so I took it upon myself to run to work, achieving 13km in 1h22. I loved it so much that I attempted the same mission a few more times throughout the year, until I completely busted my fucking knee.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (29/50): I can never be a successful artist. My parents were way too nice to me.

07 Aug
The Compton soundtrack was the third studio album by by Dr. Dre, his first since 1999, and apparently his last ever, meaning the cancelation of the long awaited Detox album. Well, that's shit.

08 Aug
Spider-Man Ass Slap is a clip originally from some homosexual pornographic video featuring two men dressed as Spider-Man loudly smacking eachother's asses. Around here, it got quite popular on Vine, generally used in some comedic way to end a video in a surprisingly manner. Slightly strange.

10 Aug
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (30/50): I wonder how many times my “no suicide on a Monday” policy has saved my life.

13 Aug
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (31/50): The secret to having everything, is to realise you already do.

14 Aug
Donald William 'Bob' Johnston was a record producer, best known for his work with Bob Dylan (Highway 61 Revisited; Blonde on Blonde), Johnny Cash (At Folsom Prison), Leonard Cohen, and Simon and Garfunkel (Sounds of Silence). He died today at age 83 from congestive heart failure.
Gordon "Jazz" Summers was a music manager, known for the acts Snow Patrol, The Verve, Scissor Sisters, and Klaxons. He also co-managed Wham! After suffering from lung cancer for two years, he died today at age 71.

16 Aug
Started watching Friends again from the beginning.
Goldie Steinberg was a supercentenarian who, at the age of 114 years 290 days, was the world's sixth oldest living person, as well as the second oldest person living in the United States, and the oldest verified Jewish person. She died today.

17 Aug
Finished reading How Music Works by David Byrne (the singer from Talking Heads, and a lot more). It was an excellent education about the history and inner workings of recorded music and the industry, teaching me a fuckload. It also helped me realise that I don't necessarily want my own art to ever become a product if it means I have to compromise my own expression, and I suddenly felt very grateful that my music was just a hobby. I have no financial need for the validity of others, and that invaluable liberation pushed this as one of the best books I've ever read on the topic.
A bombing took place inside of the Erawan Shrine in Bangkok, Thailand, which killed 20 people and injured 125. Apparently they caught the guy.
Yvonne Joyce Craig was a ballet dancer and actress best known for her role as Batgirl in the 1960s TV series Batman. The Huffington Post once called her "a pioneer of female superheroes" for television. She died today, aged 78, from metastatic breast cancer that had spread to her liver.

18 Aug
Today a Flickr user uploaded a photo of a seal, which found its way to Reddit with the caption “This is the most satisfied seal I’ve ever seen,” and the Seal of Approval meme was born.

19 Aug
Despite people whining that it was a "waste of water", today it was announced that 2014's viral Ice Bucket Challenge had raised enough funds for researches to finally start understanding more about the TDP-43 dysfunctional protein, which had been a mystery for decades. You see?
Today, Jared Fogle (the Subway Guy) pleaded guilty in federal court to possessing child pornography as well as travelling to pay for sex with minors. He was sentenced to serve 15 years, 8 months in federal prison. Damnit dude, you're giving Jareds a bad name. And Subway. I like Subway.

21 Aug
Housemate Anees abandons our home. Maybe it was my fault.
Tobias "Toby" Sheldon became famous for his $100,000 worth of plastic surgery in attempt to look like Justin Bieber. He never really got there, and was found dead today at age 35 surrounded by drugs.

24 Aug
Started wearing my nosering to work because fuck the man.
Marcy Borders was known as "the dust lady" due to an iconic photograph of her covered in dust after the collapse of the World Trade Center. She died today at age 42 from stomach cancer, which was believed to be triggered by the toxic dust she was exposed to during the incident.

25 Aug
One Direction announce split. OH GOD NO.

26 Aug
Vester Lee Flanagan II guns down two former colleagues live on air, namely reporter Alison Parker, 24, and cameraman Adam Ward, 27. He filmed himself doing the whole thing too and even posted the video online. Well fucked up and sad.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (32/50): If you can’t beat them, join them together with superglue so at least they’re all in one place and easy to find.

28 Aug
Mark Zuckerberg reports that Facebook hit a new peak of one billion users in a single day.

29 Aug
Rode in a limo to and from Reading Festival, where we watched Pierce The Viel, Alexisonfire, Royal Blood, Gojira and Metallica. Was a good thing that :)

30 Aug
Watched TV on the Radio at the Roundhouse, and then went backstage where I met touring member Jahphet Landis, real member Jaleel Bunton, and saw Dave Sitek from a distance. How nice is that, though?
YouTuber Kevin Synnes uploaded footage of himself pressing down on a shopping cart filled with plastic squeaking ducks, and it now has over 10 million views. IT'S MY FAVOURITE 2015 THING.
The 2015 MTV Video Music Awards happened. Taylor Swift won four of her 10 nominations. Ed Sheeran was nominated six times. Kendrick Lamar received four nominations for his video "Alright," but the videos for Swift's "Bad Blood" and Flying Lotus' "Never Catch Me" (both of which Lamar featured on) earned seven and two nominations respectively, bringing Kendrick's total number of mentions to 13. Miley Cyrus hosted and Nicki Minaj asked her what's good. Kanye announced he’ll be running for president. Speaking of Kanye, just search this article for his name, he was all over 2015! Not bad for a dude who didn't even release a fucking album this year.
The King of Slasher Film, Wes Craven, died of brain cancer at the age of 76 today. A Nightmare on Elm Street? Scream? The Hills Have Eyes? The Last House on the Left? The dude changed the game. This was a big one.

31 Aug
Hannah leaves the house, and my heart has never quite been the same again. She was replaced by a girl named Imogen, who definitely keeps the place much cleaner :)

Around August was that whole European migrant/refugee crisis, where the numbers of people seeking asylum rose substantially. They were coming from all over the place, like Iraq, Nigeria, Somalia, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Bangladesh etc, with about 54% from Syria. Some countries tried to help more than others. Some people died. Some racist people protested. Some friendly people donated. Some other people forgot what it was to be human.
In much lighter news, it was this month that the (already year old) phrase "Netflix and Chill" became extremely popular.

Dear 2014, September: That Syrian kid washes ashore and destroys us all; Google change their logo; Ahmed Mohamed made a clock and everyone called him a terrorist; David Cameron may or may not have put his penis in a dead pig's mouth; I went to Drupalcon 2015 Barcelona, rad

01 Sep
Launched my crowdfunding Indiegogo campaign for my This is Your Brain on Drugs book. LOOK AT ME GO.
Google change their logo.

02 Sep
Today was that extremely heartbreaking day that the three-year-old drowned Syrian refugee washed upon the Europian shores. The iconic image touched the souls of everyone, and became a symbol for the struggle.

03 Sep
Today "comedian" Nicole Arbour launced that Dear Fat People video to YouTube, basically fat-shaming the shit out of overweight chubbers. Perhaps she had some valid points and she definitely achieved what she set out to do (9 million views, anyone?), but it still wasn't very nice.
Chandra Bahadur Dangi was the shortest man in recorded history, measuring 1 ft 9 1⁄2 in. He died today at the age of 75, hypothesised to be related to a bout of pneumonia he had been suffering from recently.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (33/50): Yo mama so fat, her calorie intake looks like a phone number.

05 Sep
New girls Andi and Louisa moved into the house, meaning I was out numbered 3-girls-to-1-boy on the upper floor. Not that I'm complaining, just means I have to flex my stomach muscles more frequently.

06 Sep
Me and some mates went to Banksy's Dismaland, and it was as bleak as you'd imagine. Probably the most interesting "art gallery" I've ever seen, I would recommend you go, but you can't, it's over.

09 Sep
Launched the article 10 Musicians Who Sold Their Soul To The Devil, and in a year swamped with Worst to Bests, short stories, and throwaways, I consider this to be one of the only proper research pieces of the year. Maybe even my favourite bit of Jared writing in 2015, who knows? You'd think I would.
The iPhone 6S and iPhone 6S Plus are announced, complete with 3D Touch: a force-sensitive touchscreen.

10 Sep
Won a free ticket to see Charli XCX at Red Bull Studios Future Underground. She was so awesome, really enjoyed it, but that venue? Incredible! Free cloakrooms! Free cash machines! £3 beers! So much space! Go there at any point for any reason!!
Fossils of at least 15 homo naledi individuals were excavated from a South African cave round about here. This was a previously unknown species of early human, so I'm sure Ross Geller went nuts for it.

11 Sep
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (34/50): This Weekend’s To Do List:
1. Get Famous.
2. Fuck Taylor Swift.

15 Sep
As part of my slow mission of acquiring UK citizenship, I passed my B1 English test. However, they changed the law shortly after, and this certificate suddenly became null and void. Ugh, goddamnit.

16 Sep
A dude named Ahmed Mohamed made an alarm clock for engineering class, and was arrested because it looked like a movie bomb, and he looked like a Muslim. No charges were pressed, but he was suspended from school for three days, which was just the right kind of juice to go viral with. Various media outlets voiced their support for the guy, and even some celebrities weighed in, to the likes of President Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Mark Zuckerberg. Basically, it was the best thing that ever happened to him.
In an attempt not to jinx it, I've hardly told anyone about one very special creative outlet that I was involved with from this day forward. More information to come, but it might be a pretty big deal, I hope.
Peggy Jones (known as Lady Bo) was a pioneer of rock and roll, playing rhythm guitar in Bo Diddley's band, and becoming perhaps the first female rock guitarist in a highly visible rock band. Some even called her the "Queen Mother of Guitar". She died today at age 75.

18 Sep
66 years in circulation, and today NME was given out at tube stations for free! I got mine.
Today, the United States Environmental Protection Agency issued a notice of violation of the Clean Air Act to German automaker Volkswagen Group, after they discovered the vehicles had been programmed to release the standard nitrogen oxide amount during regulatory testing, but up to 40 times higher in the real world. Naughty!

19 Sep
"Piggate" refers to a story told in an unauthorised biography of David Cameron, titled Call Me Dave, by Michael Ashcroft and Isabel Oakeshott. Here, they claimed the British Prime Minister had put his willy into a dead pig's mouth as part of some initiation ceremony. Cameron denied the allegations, obviously, but pwhahahaha.

21 Sep
As part of work, a bunch of my colleagues and I went to Drupalcon 2015, in Barcelona. It was a tough one, with loads of drinking and working somehow precariously balanced together. We learned a lot, but also explored a bit, hitting clubs and the beach and to be honest, I don't remember shit except what my Druapl notes tell me.
Round about here, Martin Shkreli (a hedge fund manager and entrepreneur) obtained the manufacturing license for Daraprim (used to help HIV infections) and raised its price from $13.50 to $750 a pop. And just like that, he became most hated person in the world overnight, and this wasn't the last we heard of him this year either...

24 Sep
Back from Barcelona, dazed and confused.
At some intersection in Mina, Mecca, a bunch of overcrowding and mass hysteria caused a deadly human stampede, which killed at least 2,177 people. Nobody is quite sure what even happened there.
Morrissey's debut novel List of the Lost won the worst fictional sex scene, due to this awesome passage: "At this, Eliza and Ezra rolled together into one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone." So hot.

28 Sep
New findings from NASA's Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter heavily indicated that liquid water still flows intermittently on present-day Mars. ALIEEENNNNSSS!

29 Sep
Released My 5 Favourite Things On The Internet article. Was just a bit of quick fun, but I was ultimately stoked with how it turned out, and other people seemed to vibe it too.
Finished reading I Will Teach You to Be Rich by Ramit Sethi. All I really want to say is that it toally changed my view on my finances, and I still put so much of it into daily practice to this day. Arguably the most useful self-help book I've ever read, and I can't believe the difference it has made on my mentality towards money (not to mention my bank account!). Read it.

30 Sep
Today, Russia began some military intervention in the Syrian Civil War.

Dear 2014, October: Drake kinda dances in Hotline Bling; #FeesMustFall protests go mental in South Africa; Adele breaks every record known to man; Back to the Future day actually happens finally; Dennis Publishing launches Coach Mag

02 Oct
Sam Smith's Writing's on the Wall becomes the first ever Bond theme to reach number 1 in the UK. I didn't like it all that much.
#PissForEquality was another one of those 4chan trollsies, where they convinced some feminists to piss themselves and then post photos.

03 Oct
Just a month since launch, and my This is Your Brain on Drugs book was already fully funded! Thanks everyone!!

05 Oct
My company launces a free health magazine named Coach. It came with a funky new website too, which I was the pointman/teamlead for. People were stoked. I was stoked.
A new law kicks in the UK, where plastic shopping bags now cost 5p each. I actually support this, because hopefully we can start reducing all the fucking trash lying around.
The singer from Spin Doctors starts following me on Twitter for some reason.

06 Oct
Coach launch party! Drinking and exercising! Not always a good match!
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (35/50): On the 6th day, God created man. On the 7th day, God woke up hungover, and decided he wanted nothing more to do with the project.

07 Oct
Adelaide Gail Zappa was the wife of Frank Zappa and the trustee of the Zappa Family Trust. Following a long battle with lung cancer, she died at age 70.

08 Oct
Facebook announces Reactions, kinda a new Like button which posts emojis. I am yet to get it.

09 Oct
Round about here, one of the most stressful viral fads ever rose to fame, namely Phone Pinching. Don't watch!
Robert Cooper Phillips (known as Koopsta Knicca) was one of the original members of the rap crew Three 6 Mafia. He died today at age 40 after suffering a stroke and a brain aneurysm.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (36/50): Blacks and Whites were made to work together. Just ask any fashion designer

10 Oct
A suicide bomb kills at least 100 people at a peace rally in Turkey, injuring 400 others.
Steve Mackay was a saxophone player, best known for appearing on the Stooges' Fun House. He died at age 66 today, from sepsis.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (37/50): I can't believe this time next week I'll be Ms. Chandler Bing.

12 Oct
Today Buzzfeed Tweeted about a hospital worker who told a 4-year-old girl that the boy who beat her up "has a crush on her". I replied saying "To be fair though, the boy probably does like her" and, damn, did people go apeshit. My reply got 10 retweets and 92 likes, but the responses continued until (no jokes) late December. Some of these included: "He needs to be taught this is NOT the way to express affection of any kind." (roughly 12 RTs, 44 Likes); "nothins fair about it, cuz now she could have the mindset to think its ok to take a beating cuz a boy like/love her" (roughly 19 RTs, 70 Likes); and "We need to teach children that abuse doesn't equal love." (roughly 80 RTs, 266 Likes). Calm down, people! It's only the internet!

13 Oct
Playboy announces it will no longer print images of naked women, because "You’re now one click away from every sex act imaginable for free. And so it’s just passé at this juncture." I disapprove.

14 Oct
Had my yearly appraisal, and got a raise like a baws.
Astronomers noted changes in brightness coming from star KIC 8462852, and many speculated that it was evidence of some alien civilisation.

15 Oct
Had a full STD test and came out squeaky clean. Shew!

16 Oct
My birthday! Spent it in bed! Perfect! Also had a small party the following weekend, so that was nice and calm.

17 Oct
Finished watching Friends, back to front, two months straight. Still rate it as one of the best shows ever made, I laughed thousands of times.

18 Oct
Frank Watkins was the long-time bass player for the death metal band Obituary and Norwegian black metal band Gorgoroth. He died from cancer today at age 47.

19 Oct
Drake releases his video for Hotline Bling, and almost immediately a swarm of memes and parodies poked fun at his dancing style.

21 Oct
Finally, the REAL Back to the Future day!

22 Oct
George Harrison appears on Spotify!
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (38/50): I’m at my most creative when coming up with porn search terms.

23 Oct
#FeesMustFall was a South African student led protest against the increase of university fees. There were riot police, and stun grenades, and tasers, and coloured gas, and riot shileds, and truncheons, until Zuma announced that there would be no increase in university fees in 2016. Not good enough, really, but probably the start of something much bigger...
Adele’s song Hello comes out. Ok, are you ready for this? It reached #1 in 28 countries. It reached #1 on iTunes in 102 countries. It had the largest opening week sales in three years. It was Adele's fourth number-one on the Billboard Hot 100. It became the first song with over a million digital sales in one week. It broke the one-week streaming record by nearly 4 million. It broke the record for first-week download sales in the US. It was viewed 27.7 million times on VEVO, more than any other video within 24 hours (7 million more than 2nd place). It was the fastest-selling single of 2015 in the UK. Two people have Shazamed the song every second since its release. Her album 25 was #1 in 93 countries based on pre-orders alone. It was also the hugest album of the year by far. There are so many more facts like this, I just grew tired of typing. It's a great song and album, you go girl.
Hurricane Patricia becomes the most intense hurricane ever recorded in the Western Hemisphere, with winds of 200mph and a pressure of 879 mbar. Hey, Patricia is me mum's name!
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (39/50): I hear what you are saying, but this cruel world has completely desensitised my ability to care about anything anymore.

24 Oct
Edythe Kirchmaier was a centenarian woman, known as the oldest user on Facebook, signing up on her 105th birthday. She died today at 107.

25 Oct
Finished reading Sweet Valley High #1: Double Love by Francine Pascal. Erm, it was for research purposes, I swear! But to be fair, it was actually pretty good for what it was, brought me back to my youth if nothing else.

26 Oct
A magnitude 7.5 earthquake smacks the Hindu Kush region, causing 398 deaths in Pakistan, Afghanistan, and India.

27 Oct
The Zola Story is one of the coolest 2015 internet narratives, better than most films, even. Basically, a stripper named Zola took to Twitter to tell the tale of her weekend, as she ran around Florida with a hooker, the hooker's boyfriend, and the hooker's pimp. So much goes on, it's really insane, read it here.
Nutscaping became a thing, which is the process in which you gently hover your balls over the camera whilst taking an otherwise majestic photo. Simple yet effective.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (40/50): People who say “you can never eat too much cake!” have no idea what I’ve just done.

29 Oct
China reports that they are now allowing a two-child policy, rather than the previous one-child policy.

30 Oct
The Colectiv nightclub in Romania caught on fire due to some illegal indoor pyrotechnics. 60 people were killed, including four members of the performing metalcore band Goodbye to Gravity.

31 Oct
Flight KGL9268, an Airbus A321 airliner, crashed near Al-Hasana in Sinai, killing all 217 passengers and 7 crew members. As per usual, ISIS jumped at the chance to take responsibility for the incident.

Dear 2014, November: Paris is under attack; Taylor Swift wins everything; Jonah Lomu passes; Leatherface passes; an emjoi wins the Oxford dictionary word of the year

01 Nov
The Indiegogo crowdfunding for my book This is Your Brain on Drugs officially ends, raising £715, which was £115 more than needed. CONGRATS JARED, thanks Jared.

02 Nov
Dennis Do It Day, where 90% of my company went and planted 10,000 trees in the Heart of England Forest. In a few decades, this will really mean something, and I was proud to be part of it.

03 Nov
Twitter replaces the fav/star button with a like/heart button. I felt nothing.

04 Nov
At one of my monthly sober morning raves at Morning Gloryville, Kissy Sell Out played a surprise slot! I liked that.

06 Nov
One year vegetarian today, and to celebrate, I wrote 10 Reasons to Become Vegetarian. Surprisingly, it ended up being my most read piece of the year, which made me a chuffed little lad.
George Barris was a designer of many famous Hollywood custom cars, most notably the 1966 Batmobile. You may have also seen his work in Jurassic Park; A Power Rangers Movie; and Knight Rider. He died in his sleep at the age of 89.

07 Nov
Went to Wahaca Day of the Dead festival. On the one hand, it was exceptionally decorated, with lots of trippy things around including some proper Mexican wrestling, plus we got to watch Savages, Horrors, and (the weird) Mexican Morrissey tribute band Mexrrissey. On the other hand, the queues to EVERYTHING (food, booze, toilets) took 30 minutes each, there were hardly any veggie options, and it was so overcrowded that we never got to see Crystal Fighters (who we had come to see). A bit of a mess, but still fun, and Wahaca took responsibility, awarding us each with £30 vouchers for their restaurants. No hard feelings, then.
Incarnations may have existed since 2012, but the Confused Travolta meme really took off around here, featuring an animated gif of the actor from Pulp Fiction in various confusing situations.
Gunnar Milton Hansen was an actor best known for playing one of the best horror creatures ever created, namely Leatherface in the original Texas Chain Saw Massacre). He died today from pancreatic cancer at the age of 68.

08 Nov
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (41/50): Pixar are very good at making me cry over toys or bugs or fish or cars or just emotions in general.

09 Nov
Andrew "Andy" White was a session drummer, best known for replacing Ringo Starr on Love Me Do and P.S. I Love You. He also played with Chuck Berry and Tom Jones, which earned him the title as "one of the busier drummers in England from the late '50s through the mid-'70s". He died today from a stroke at the age of 85.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (42/50): If you’re stressed out and overwhelmed, just hold in your pee for a few hours, and then you’ll quickly learn how to prioritise your problems.

10 Nov
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (43/50): I think the main reason why I’m single is because everyone creeps me the fuck out.

11 Nov
In 1969, The Winstons' Richard Spencer invented the six-second Amen Break, one of the most sampled drum patterns in history, reportedly used in nearly 1,900 songs. However, due to no copyright in place, the man never received a dime for his pioneering efforts. That was until today, when some decent music lovers started a GoFundMe campaign in hopes to rectify the misjustice. And it worked, the artist handed a cheque for £24,000 by the end of it all. Fuck, that's nice.
Phil Taylor (better known as "Philthy Animal" Taylor) was a drummer in the heavy metal band Motörhead, known as a member of the the classic line-up. He died of liver failure today at age 61.

12 Nov
Several suicide bombings took place in Beirut, Lebanon, killing 43 and injuring 239. Naturally, ISIS jumped up and down and claimed responsibility once again.

13 Nov
I guess everyone remembers this tragic day all to well. A series of terrorist attacks took place all around Paris, shooting and killing up to 130 people, many of which were at a Eagles of Death Metal concert (coincidentally, turning them into one of the most popular bands in the world overnight). The attacks were the deadliest on France since World War II, and once again, ISIS claimed they were behind it.
What followed was very hectic. France bombed the shit out of Syria. After a lengthy vote, UK joined in soon enough. Facebook gave people the option to change their profile pictures to the French flag to show support. People criticised the social media for the move, claiming they were capitalising on the tragedies to boost engagement, as well as asking where the outburst for Lebanon was (or for so many other countries in trouble right now). The hashtag #PrayForParis spread with the grief. The atheists were dickheads about this as per usual. Others called it a form of unhelpful narcissism. Conspiracy theorists pointed out inconsistencies and suggested it was an inside-job. All the while, I just stood with my jaw wide open at how so many had missed the point. People had died. Let's mourn however we see fit, please.
In much lighter news, my own publishing company was officially regestered today, namely The Goat’s Nest Publishing. Apparently you need to this when you make books.

15 Nov
Don Vito was a reality television personality known for his appearances in Viva La Bam, Jackass, Haggard and the CKY videos alongside his nephew Bam Margera. He collapsed today from organ failure due to years of obesity and alcoholism at age 59. I mean, it's sad cos I thought he was funny, but you could just take one look at the dude to see he had been on the edge for a while.

16 Nov
Oxford dictionaries word of the year was a fucking emoji, you guys. A FUCKING EMOJI. I'm sorry, but we gotta draw the line somewhere, surely. How do you even pronounce that? Can students now use the symbol in their exam answers? Can we name our kids this? It's not a fucking word!

17 Nov
Charlie Sheen publicly revealed today that he had already been diagnosed with HIV for four years.
Michael C. Gross was an artist known for designing the Ghostbusters logo and the National Lampoon dog with a gun to its head. He died today from cancer at age 70.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (44/50): These imaginary arguments I keep having with people are getting more and more vicious.

18 Nov
The first of my regular yearly traditional pieces was released today, namely The 10 Worst Album Cover Artworks of 2015. Funny.
Jonah Tali Lomu was a New Zealand rugby union player, and probably one of the most recognisable figures in the sport throughout all of history. He finished with 63 caps and scored 37 international tries, and was inducted into the International Rugby Hall of Fame and the IRB Hall of Fame. He passed unexpectedly today from a heart attack linked to kidney disease, at the age of 40.

19 Nov
Went and watched Marilyn Manson at Eventim Apollo. I have seen him twice before and can confirm his reputation as a shitty live act, but Jesus, not this time. He totally kicked rectum, only played his hits, and relied on a very hefty Antichrist setlist. The dude really impressed me this year as a whole, and I've been waiting to say this for over a decade.

20 Nov
Benjamin Clementine's At Least for Now wins the Mercury Prize. I was happy with this, because (a) it was my 13th favourite album of 2015; and (b) I actually bet real moneys on his success, meaning he made me quite a bit richer, especially considering his 8:1 odds.
In related news, I also won the lottery today! Granted it was only £3.70, but damn, lucky day! Moneymoneymoney!
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (45/50): You have an excellent argument, but unfortunately it included a spelling error which completely negates your opinion. Sorry!

21 Nov
Actually wrote the proper SELT English test this time, and I passed obviously because I speak English. One step closer to citizenship! Wings don't fail me now!

22 Nov
The 43rd Annual American Music Awards happened tonight, and with three awards won, Taylor Swift was the biggie once again.
In fact, just look through this article again. How many times does the name "Taylor Swift" appear? Millions. Hence why I happily dub her as the Queen of 2015, take a bow, you pretty pretty superstar.

24 Nov
Justin Bieber breaks The Beatles and Drake's previous record of the most songs in US charts at same time, with 17 (3 more than aforementioned). I think Justin made Beliebers out of many of us during 2015.
A Turkish Air Force F-16 fighter jet is shot down by a Russian Sukhoi Su-24M bomber aircraft, near the Syria–Turkey border.

25 Nov
The second of my regular yearly traditional pieces was released today, namely The 10 Best Album Cover Artworks of 2015. Pretty.
My company won 5 PPA awards tonight or something, including Digital Publisher of the Year, and Development Team of the Year (that's us!). We got cake.

26 Nov
Courtney Barnett! She was pure rock! She released my 11th favourite album of 2015! I think I might be in love with her or something!
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (46/50): Oh my gosh, I just got a Tinder match!
*immediately shuts off phone*
*dives under the covers*
*giggles self to sleep*

27 Nov
Pope Francis releases a Christian rock album named Wake Up! I believe it's terrible, but can this dude get any cooler??
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (47/50): Too old to die young.

29 Nov
Finished (mostly re)watching all Wes Anderson films today. What a weird genius.

Heavy rainfall made for the 2015 South Indian floods, which killed more than 400 people and caused roughly 3-15 billion US dollars worth of damage.

Dear 2014, December: Metal legend Lemmy passes; new Star Wars is actually amazing; Scott Weiland finally took too much drugs; Steve Hardy makes a boo boo; The Beatles start streaming, finally

01 Dec
This is Your Brain on Drugs appears on Goodreads! I'm a real author!
Finished reading The Art of Happiness: A Handbook For Living by Howard C. Cutter and the Dalai Lama. It definitely opened my eyes to some things (mostly at how fundamentally evil I am as a person) and I think I will live my life a little better because of it. Was still a bit boring though.

03 Dec
Today Oscar Pistorius was found guilty of intentionally murdering his girlfriend, which could see him sent back to prison for at least another 15 years.
Scott Weiland was a singer best known for the bands Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver. His drug abuse was also rather famous, and ultimately killed the man, accidentally overdosing on cocaine, ethanol, and methylenedioxyamphetamine, at age 48.

04 Dec
My gym threw a crazy party, and we went clubbing afterwards straight until the middle of the next day like we were fucking teenagers again or something.
Related: a quick shout-out to my girl Monique over here. You were my main partner in crime near the end of 2015, dude, and I'm not quite sure what I would have done without you. Thanks :)
Another terroristic attack today, this time at Leytonstone Station in London (very close to where I live), where a crazed man attempted to stab bystanders whilst yelling Allahu Akbar.
A sliver of good did come from this, however, as one man yelled "You ain’t no Muslim, Bruv" at the attacker, which was so true that it instantly went viral, so much so that David Cameron even referenced the phrase in his speech addressing the incident.

06 Dec
Holly Woodlawn was a transgender actress and Warhol superstar who appeared in his movies Trash and Women in Revolt. Another fun fact: you know that line in Lou Reed's song Walk on the Wild Side that goes "he who was a she"? That was about her too. Anyway, she died today aged 69 from brain and liver cancer.

09 Dec
Today it was revealed that the Wu Tang Clan's only copy of Once Upon A Time In Shaolin was purchased by Martin Shkreli, the same dickhead who raised the price of the HIV drug Daraprim from $13.50 to $750 per tablet.

09 Dec
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (48/50): If you really like someone you should have a baby with them immediately because that’s the fastest way to trap a person in your life forever.
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (49/50): The only true acts of compassion are the ones you don't tell your friends about.

16 Dec
My most popular annual blog piece was launched today, namely The Top 50 Albums of 2015 (according to me). As per usual, people seemed to enjoy it, all the hard work paying off, sorta.
For the second time, I entered a 50-word short story competition, and for the second time, I won! The rule for this particular entry was that it has to include the phrase "cold as ice". You can read my winning piece here (or if you're reading this passed January, maybe try here).
President Zuma fired Finance Minister Nhlanhla Nene which immediately destroyed the countries currency. This was good for South Africans living abroad (like, say, me for example), but the locals weren't happy, with #ZumaMustFall protests hitting an all time high on this day.

17 Dec
Karma, pow! Today, the evil Martin Shkreli was arrested for security fraud. I hope things only get far worse for the man from here on out.

18 Dec
Star Wars: The Force Awakens is released in the US, and it broke many records, including the highest-grossing worldwide opening of all time and the fastest movie to reach $1 billion evah. Despite only just coming out, it's already the fifth highest-grossing film of 2015 and the eleventh highest-grossing film of all time. I liked it!

20 Dec
Miss Universe 2015 today! And the only reason any of us know this, is because host Steve Harvey mistakenly announced Colombia had won, and three minutes later, had to remove her crown to give it to the Philippines lady instead. Ouch!
The world's first website turns 25 years old!
Ethel Dorothy Farrell née Burns was a supercentenarian who became the third oldest verified person ever in Australia. She died today at 113 years, 23 days.

21 Dec
Went and watched Ghost at Koko, my final show of the year. I felt Lucifer all up in my soul!
#Top50LegoTripTweetsOf2015 (50/50): If someone deletes you on Facebook, it means they forfeit and you have won.

22 Dec
SpaceX lands a Falcon 9 rocket, the first reusable rocket to successfully enter orbital space and return.

23 Dec
After the long mission throughout the year, the printed copies of my book This is Your Brain on Drugs finally arrive. Oh what a feeling.
Finish listening to all Sonic Youth studio albums in chronological order. They are my favourite band, maybe.
Michael Earl was a 4-time Emmy Award-winning puppeteer, whose credits include Mr. Snuffleupagus on Sesame Street, performing as the original Shrek character in a motion-capture development test, and puppeteering lead characters in Team America: World Police. He died today from colon cancer at the age of 56.

24 Dec
The Beatles arrive on Spotify! Holy fucking fuck, I thought that would never happen!

25 Dec
Christmas Day away from family is always a bit meh, but me and some friends made up for it by eating loads of food and getting super fucked up.

27 Dec
For the second time of the year, I won the lotto! It was a whole £2.90, woah!

28 Dec
I got J-A-R-E-D-W-O-O-D-S tattooed on my toes because, you know, I dunno.
Absolute metal legend Lemmy (the frontman of Motörhead) died today at the age of 70 from cancer. There isn't too much one can say about this, except that he is pretty much the embodiment of the rock 'n roll lifestyle, and it was simply too close to the end of the year to lose someone so potent.

29 Dec
Reports keep pouring in that a majority original Guns N' Roses line-up (Axl, Slash, Duff) will be headlining Coachella 2016 with a possible stadium tour to follow. If so, expect expensive tickets and show delays.

30 Dec
This very article was released, and you read it, special thanks to you!

Oh my God, these blogs destroy me. Why do I do this to myself? I'm so tired!

Still, let's summarise, 2015, by ignoring everyone else but me. Here are the personal facts: I wrote, funded, and printed a whole fucking book. I wrote 12 blog pieces. I wrote two short stories. I got into painting quite a bit. I made a short cartoon video. I performed stand up poetry for the first time, twice. I was the team lead for three of my company's biggest websites (and got a raise). I saw, like, 30 bands live or something, which is crazy. I visited three countries I've never been to before, which is not like me at all. I made a little bit of celeb contact, which is always a bonus. I got three new tattoos, which I think is a good thing. I really focused on my health, by not drinking for a month, not eating processed sugar for a month, not watching porn for a month, maintaining a healthy veg diet, going to the gym regularly, smoking less, going for morning runs, and even sometimes sober morning raves. I am proven STD free. I have just about beaten anxiety to death. I bungee jumped. I climbed trees. I took control of my finances. I made new friends. I made amends with old friends who deserved it. I deleted those who didn't. And I am closer than ever to becoming a full-fledged British citizen. I mean, damn, I'm like a fucking machine. With this kind of momentum, what's about to happen?

Although, I have a few minor complaints, if you don't mind. I only read eight books, for example. Two bands I was in broke up, and not a single music related bit of creativity sprouted this year whatsoever (although, it has to be said , A LOT of work was put towards it, which 2016 will enjoy, I'm sure). My blog got less hits this year than 2014. And I had sex, like, only three times or something. That's painful, bro! That really sucks! Although, it's probably my fault for telling every girl I meet that she simply isn't hot enough for me. I mean, it's true, but it didn't help, I'm sure.

But I guess what it really comes down to, 2015, is what I touched on in the introduction. There were moments of real deep sadness within this year. A restless unhappiness I haven't experienced for a long time. A wearied bleakness which was only exposed once the hyperactivity of anxiety subsided. I suppose it was a little discouraging and lonely to realise that if I had to die, it would take weeks for anyone to notice (except for my job, of course, which doesn't really count). But even this has a silver lining. I am truly independent right now for the first time ever. I have no one relying on me, and I rely on no one, and I can disappear whenever I want to. It's weird, at this point, I don't even really feel human anymore. I feel like I am a factory, whose sole intention is to churn out as much creative product as I can as well as continuously improving my processes, until I rise above absolutely everything. I have made peace with my purpose. I am not alive to be happy. I am here to work. I know this sounds like an emo thing, but in reality, this is a liberation thing.

So in summary, and on a lighter note, I must commend you, 2015. You were fucking amazing. So eventful. One long wake up call of character building and self realisation. The reoccurring nightmare where I die in 2016 aside, I really hope to continue my slow rise up the steps you have shown me, coming out of next year with better projects, greater inner-peace, more money, and enough health to outrun any problems that may come my way. And I have only you to thank for this, because no one else was really there.

God bless your position in history. And I love you.
Jared Woods