Tuesday 28 February 2017

God's Best Jokes

God's Best Jokes
Despite my fierce agnosticism, I have always had this inherent belief that there is a power greater than us, due to the ample evidence of such a presence floating about. Evidence like the sun rising. Or Margot Robbie. However, the biggest hint towards some type of a larger vibration, comes from the very subject matter of this stupid blog piece: the humour which seems to run through all things, laughing at us through fuck-ups so inventive that no mere human could possibly have such a depth of imagination. I believe it was David Rothenberg who said “Life is far more interesting than it needs to be, because the forces that guide it are not merely practical,” and I find this to be true. It’s the very reason why concepts such as Murphy's Law exist; for even if life is a series of random events or calculations evolving to balance itself out or a virtual reality game run by aliens, these processes have been blatantly programmed to do weird shit almost as a priority, because even if you find your existence to be one of misery or pointlessness, I guarantee a large portion of it could make for a fairly decent comedic TV show. You're a fucking joke yourself, basically. It's as if God is teasing us, just like he teased Moses in the desert, while we run around without any idea of why we are here, tripping over shoddy designs and then frustrated by absurd gags that are absolutely hilarious just so long as they are happening to someone else. Which is why, ever since I found enlightenment, I have developed the exceptional ability to observe and appreciate some of the greatest jokes God has ever pulled, and I offer them to you here so that we can all laugh with God, just like Regina Spektor recommended we do. Hahahaaaaarrrrugh.

God's Best Jokes: 05. The Nipple


This joke isn’t a particularly good one, but I desperately needed any old thing to round this list off to a nice number, so watch how hard I try to make this funny hahahalp.

According to Facebook’s sex options, we now have 72 distinctive genders, but as far as nipples go, no gender has nipples as stupid as the male version specifically. They are a meaningless addition, as inconsequential as Bill Gates winning the lotto, a lazy aftermath which serves no evolutionary purpose and yet has somehow survived, refusing to dissolve from our biological make up, a hairy decoration which conspires with the naval to portray an elongated surprised emoji upon our torsos.

As everyone should know by now, the backstory of male nipples are a hurried script at best, and begins (like all good body things) in the mommy womb. After the sperm and egg shake hands and make out, all human life begins as a female, which is because women are way easier to produce, whilst men are far more complicated and superior by design, requiring a little more time to bake properly. I mean, just look at our willies! Those things probably take about nine months to roll out of clay alone, depending on how big yours is. So, basically, it's kind of like the man-body received the instruction to embed the organic code which should eventually grow into tits, and then it was interrupted, now nothing more than undeveloped boobs, a permanent reminder that God deleted a file during mid-download and didn’t bother to do a system cleanup. And that is the reason why I got mine pierced. I took it upon myself to justify their existence, as well as granting Life a great excuse to hurt me greatly if it ever so desires.

But, of course, humankind took this shit joke even further. Despite their similar appearance, the banks in charge deemed it ok for children to look at men’s nipples, but not women’s nipples. Why this has happened should be extremely obvious: it’s because when you see a female nipple, a deep rooted infant reminder malfunctions in your head, telling you that are still hungry for mommy's milk, and we simply cannot have hungry people running around the world desperately trying to suckle on a teat all the time. It would be chaos and counterproductive to the capitalist system. Although, that said, it is actually okay now to show breastfeeding on most social networking platforms, because that’s normal and natural and should be celebrated, right? But heaven forbid a completely lone untouched female nipple is seen! Hell no, that would be pornographic and disgusting.

Janthopoyism: Your New Religion

God's Best Jokes: 04. Flatulence


A well timed fart is no secret joke. Quite the opposite, in fact. More often than not, it's overused, functioning as the punchline to various comedic set-ups throughout the ages, and yet, still to this very day, with the correct delivery, the trick can still pack a decent laugh, no matter how immature. Yes, it's safe to say that many of us humans have mastered the art of fart, so what’s God got to do with it? I'm going to tell you, really really soon.

But first: despite what you may have heard, everyone farts. Even girls fart, I’ve seen some stuff on the internet. How it works is that gas from various sources (swallowing of air and/or the foods we eat, some of which are more guilty than others) build up in your stomach and need to escape, otherwise you may feel bloated and uncomfortable, some doctors even reporting that holding in this natural process as a main cause for hemorrhoids or a distended bowel. So no big deal, right? Just let it go! Everyone does it! No harm done! Except here are the kickers: it not only stinks, which could ruin your company’s day, but it also makes a noise, which guides everyone directly to you, the perpetrator. It is deemed unattractive, and being attractive is the most important thing there is, so actually don't do it, ever again, hemorrhoids be damned.

The smell itself is an exclusive result from the fart's sulphur content alone, which only makes up around 1% of the total ingredients of your own custom brand of wind. And that's what gets me. 1%? That seems a bit unnecessary, doesn't it? Why the fuck is that there? Why can’t we just absorb this tiny bit of matter into our bloodstream and let our hearts fart it out on the inside? I’ll tell you why. It’s because God is making a joke. Because he wants you to be embarrassed.

The noise is less the gases' fault, and more so your funny anuses' fault, which is vibrating like a horse’s mouth, announcing to the world that, yes, this person right here just let one rip. We all know this is a completely natural noise, a part of the whole mammal kingdom since the dawn of time, but we will still judge you. It's unacceptable behaviour. You are infecting the otherwise tasty oxygen with the digested smell of your poo gas, and that is not only inconsiderate, but also extremely funny to anyone who isn’t immediately involved, including God. But don't worry, God helps those who helps themselves, and there are ways to hush the audio informant, such as performing a sneaky stretch of the buttocks to gape your hole, ensuring the anus lips don't kiss and can't betray you. Apparently regular anal sex also helps with the ninja stealth, as your massive butthole will give a reverse gasp while you snicker at the morning commuters who cough and lift their collars over their mouths without a target to blame. You see? Laughing with God!

Of course, the etiquette textbook teaches us to endure this vapourware annoyance until you can get to a man-made toilet, a sanitation fixture specifically designed as a porcelain chamber which will amplify the sound even louder, one great echo for everyone in earshot distance, each blast blessing an angel with its wings.

God's Best Jokes: 03. Tickling


In many ways, this is the epitome of God's jokes, because you will actualol out loud, but won’t find it funny whatsoever, the biggest proof that the powers in charge are sick and find joy in your suffering.

What’s interesting about tickling is that no one really knows how it works, the topic gone under vigorous debate by the greatest minds in history, including Aristotle, Francis Bacon, Charles Darwin, Plato, and Galileo Galilei. The act itself is something I’m sure we are all familiar with, one deep embedded traumatic experience after another, forever shuddering to the surface with visions of that time my uncle pinned me down as a kid and tickled me until tears, his abusive fingers only encouraged by the betrayal of my own laughter, giving the inaccurate impression that I was having a wonderful time when, in fact, I fucking hated the whole world in those moments. And that’s the joke really, a concentrated form of anguish in which we squirm in severe discomfort, and yet according to any witness statements, we were having the greatest of times, because just look at how much we were laughing. Contrary to everything we have been taught about expression and natural instinct, we burst into some hysterical glee in these moments of rape and hatred. It’s rubbish.

As stated above, the reasons for such a misleading reaction are unknown, but like all things, it has been hypothesised to death. Some consider it an important method of bonding a child to its parents, which I don’t buy, because I personally have had thoughts of murder against my own mom and dad for the incidents described. A better idea, in my opinion, is that these sensations develop in the womb, to aid the foetus in finding the best positions to chill, which sounds like something an unborn child would do, idk, can't remember. And finally, another relatively reasonable theory is that the whole tickling practice is designed to ease combat skills into us, teaching us to defend sensitive areas as well as how to remove ourselves from a situation as fast as possible. None of this changes the fact that God is a dick, though. Surely there are less bothersome methods.

Naturally, we as humans have exploited this form of torture as actual legitimate forms of torture, one well documented approach in war time and the BDSM scene alike, a nonconsensual invasion where the victim laughs until they cry until they beg for mercy, which reminds me of my uncle all over again, why did he do that. But hey, at least we can train ourselves to build a tickling tolerance, by spending a few hours a day tickling ourselves, except no, you can’t, because it’s impossible to tickle your own person, as it is a sin to touch yourself in any manner, for the Bible tells us so.

God's Best Jokes: 02. Balls


Testicles are very important, believe me, I know, I have two of them. They work like little eager factories which produce between 70 to 150 million sperm per fucking day! That means that if every one of those tiny swimmers somehow grew up into a full human, it would take only one man to equal the current world population in about three months or so with one squirt a day. That’s nuts, lol. This is why boys are so horny when they are younger. They suddenly have hundreds of millions of half-potential children living in their nads, literally screaming to get out, driving you insane, giving you random erections, vomiting out of your peehole at any given chance. Thankfully, when you get older, you kind of get used to it and lose interest, because the screams of unborn children can get so repetitive.

Ok, so here’s the joke though, and in my opinion, the worst design God has ever made. For such precious and fragile body parts, it seems a bit careless to sag them as low as possible on the outside of the body, doesn't it? Just two horrific accidents waiting to happen. The purpose for such a lousy positioning does sound reasonable at first glance, as it is told that our tiny spermies develop much stronger at a temperature cooler than that of our body. It also helps to keep the tadpoles dormant, because as soon as they are active and racing for the prize, they die relatively quickly, the vast majority never reaching the finish line, dried up and wasted, just like your dreams. Ok, great, so that’s one logical explanation GOD, but here's the main question: seeing as you are all-knowing and all-powerful and the omnipresent ruler of all knowledge, couldn’t you have just, you know, made it so that sperm actually developed better when warm? If you managed to create planets and stars and a carefully balanced eco system, why not just make sperm out of another substance that enjoys a touch of heat now and again? No? Ok, I have another suggestion then: how about you place them on the inside of the body, and then introduce some sort of a ventilation system, perhaps above the pubic region? That way, we can still keep an eye on them and also it would be a pretty funky addition to our biology, just take the money from the nipple budget. I mean, to be honest, I wouldn't be so opposed to their exposed location, if you hadn't made these chaps so sensitive to injury, for some fucking reason. Why would you leave the organ with some of the most hyper nerve-endings, unprotected and open to assault? Unless of course, you find it really funny when a dude gets struck in his least favourite place, laughing as the two testes crawl up inside of the abdomen, snip the wires to the legs, ensuring we fall down, delating the stomach so we vomit, then tying a knot in our throat so we can't breath. Hilarious! And there we lie for an extended period of time, defeated in one second flat, unable to remember our own name, potentially permanently impotent, possibly kick-starting some dormant testicular cancer, the most common cancer in males aged 20–39 years.

It has been said that God made man on the sixth day. The day before the day of rest. Pretty tired by the time he made the balls, I imagine, probably just kinda saying “lol, that’ll do” and then giving himself a high five before having a little nap.

God's Best Jokes: 01. The vagina


I want to approach this final subject matter with all the cautious respect it deserves, so please allow me to begin with the open statement that (as with any heterosexual male), I am a massive fan of the vagina. A superfan. A vagina groupie. Almost every decision I’ve ever made can somehow be traced back to some instinctual compulsion to get close to one of these incredible works of art, and that is the fundamental point of this whole entry.

You see, all vaginas are beautiful. Granted, some are more beautiful than others, but I’d hate to be the cause of aggravation for anyone’s underlying insecurity with their lady bits, which is why I want all females reading this to know that, no matter what mess lies between your legs, the vast majority of my gender would probably kill another human just to get a glimpse of your package. We truly are not fussy about appearances just so long as it’s still a recognisable example of woman genitalia. However, if you are willing to take your finger off of your trigger for just for a second, let's all be honest without ourselves and admit that vaginas are kinda ugly. This goes for penises too, don’t worry, God is not a sexist bloke, it’s all fucking gross if you imagine it as an animal’s face or whatever. But the vag has a lot more going on with it. Loads of skin and flaps and pubes and whatnot. Quite a drastic variation from person to person. A very difficult thing to draw properly, trust me, I've tried.

But, of course, like the vagina itself, it all goes much deeper than that. These sexual organs are, in fact, very dangerous entities. Not only could any given one of them come festering with some highly contagious diseased parasites within (which is a decent God joke in itself), but they are also the only type of garden fertile enough that you can actually grow babies in there. Even worse, I know people who have fallen into long term relationships based on the alluring vagina power alone, which is a very scary concept for anyone who enjoys life. All of these consequences have one thing in common: whether a virus or a child-meadow or some sort of lengthy committed human connection... Pussy. Ruins. Lives.

As if this wasn’t far enough, it gets way worse. Personally, I love the way vagina smells, it is the aroma of victory to me, but every girl has her off days where a lesser-man would make some sort of a seafood reference, but I won't do that, because I'm worried this article has already cock blocked me enough. Furthermore, these special holes also routinely discharge a bunch of bloody uterus lining which makes a fucking mess and upsets its host greatly, which isn’t easy for anyone of us to deal with, please just tell me what I can do to help, I'm sorry for everything. Not to mention 75% of all vaginas will experience yeast infection at least once in their life, and it’s not the good kind of yeast either, like the beer or bread kind, it's the way more gross kind, I've seen it, you can't make anything useful from it. Take all of this and let it settle inside of your mind and maybe we can agree: vaginas should be, by all accounts, the most horrifically repulsive and fear-inducing matter the world has ever seen.

And here is the joke (drumroll please): it’s not the most horrifically repulsive and fear-inducing matter the world has ever seen. Quite the opposite, in fact, as it is probably the most desirable objective in anyone’s life who subscribes to that sexual orientation. I guess for some reproductive reason or other, God grew slightly concerned that he had made a monster here which could mean the extinction of mankind before it even began, and so instead of neatening the bits up or perhaps even separating the countless functions of the vagina, he simply opted to swap a few wires in man’s mind, and now it is literally the only fucking thing we think about. Wars have been fought for vaginas. Lifelong friendships and families have been discarded without thought just because one vagina presented itself as a potential option. You may think us males also want money and fame and success, but that’s not true, we literally only want anything because we hope it brings us the pussy afterwards. It works on an animal level, at the end of the day. We intend to attract the best (and as many) partners as possible. Why do you think that asshole guy wanted to get as far away from you as possible after he ejaculated? It’s because your cunning cunt’s magic had worn off, and he regretted what he had done, despite the fact that he was salivating all over it and promising you love and houses and cars only seconds before. Or how about that dude who really did love you? Why do you think he fell asleep directly after he came in you vagina's glorious presence? It’s because the job was done, game finished, level achieved, nothing in the world bothers him anymore, nothing at all, one fuck given now gone, peaceful rest at long last.

In all seriousness though, ladies, this is not something to get upset about. You have a super-weapon at your immediate disposal. With all the female vagina power combined, you could reduce the entire man-collective into puddles of tears within a few days, feminism would have no need to exist, you would not only control the entire planet, but realise you have been controlling it this whole time all along. I know you want to be appreciated for your mind, I know you hate the "piece of meat" analogy, but you're missing the point: God blessed you with an atomic flesh bomb, one that proves men are weak and stupid and completely unable to fight against you. Just look at the 2009 Kenya sex strike. It took exactly seven days before the government agreed to reconsider everything they had ever said about anything. Pussy power. If I had one, I'd destroy the very core of society, because that's the type of guy I am. "WHO'S LAUGHING NOW!??" I'd probably scream at the sky, but I can't do that, because I don't have a vagina, can I borrow yours though? This whole blog is so dumb, Christ.