Wednesday 29 June 2016

I Read The Quran So You Don't Have To

I Read The Quran So You Don't Have To
This article is based on Quran in English: Modern English Translation. Clear and Easy to Understand, translated by Talal Itani, which is thoughtfully available online for free here.

A SEMI-PREWARNING: Please be smart and take this writing as it is. It's not my intention to offend or insult anyone, but I do understand this is a sensitive subject which could, at points, be misconstrued into something it is not. Which is why I state first and foremost: this is my point of view, and regardless of any inaccuracies or potential upset, at very least I made the effort to learn about something so many other people haven chosen to avoid. That's got to count for something right? Right!

If you're anything like me, there is only so much you can take until your mind reaches a frothing point of frustration and then figuratively explodes. After every news outlet and asshole with an opinion with an asshole has informed you for the last decade over how you should feel about Islam, you may find yourself sticking your middle fingers into your ears and refusing to listen anymore, which was my experience exactly. There appeared to be far too many ulterior motives involved, and where was the neutral ground in between all of this? Either Muslims were a misunderstood collection of peaceful worshipers who had been unfairly generalised by the actions of a very select few; or the entire religion was motivated by hate and worked together as one breeding ground for extremist behaviour. And with all of these countless contradictory accusations blasting from both sides, what was an ordinary citizen supposed to think? What were we to do? Well, I'll tell you what I did. I started at the root of it all. I read the Quran.

Which swiftly brings us onto the million Rupiah question: which side of the fence is this belief system actually on? What does the Quran ultimately teach its students within the pages upon pages of lengthy instructions and spiritual threats? Do you think I have the answer? Because I don't. However, what I do have is my own final conclusions, which are... (drumroll please) ...the Quran tells you whatever it is you want it to tell you. Yup. That's right. Just like so many other religions based on a book written thousands of years ago, it is a minefield of varying ideas, so disjointedly put together and open to interpretation that you truly can read in to it whatever you intend to read in to it.

Approach this with hate in your heart, and believe me, it's there. Some of the content is gut-wrenchingly violent, complete with full permission to murder non-believers in the most horrific of ways, and this naturally terrified the shit out of me. On the other side of this, however, there is much space for those who are looking for excuses not to cause any conflict, with a multitude of examples where God encourages forgiveness and open communication, often preaching peace, non-aggression, and relevant morals. Which once again proves that any acts made in the name of Allah are down to those individuals. We simply cannot fault the Quran nor its religion as a whole for anything whatsoever, because humans are merely harnessing certain texts as scapegoats for their own vicious intentions. There are even those followers who debate that the more savage of verses must be digested in context of the times they were written, arguing that while they seem a bit severe by modern standards, these messages were in fact an attempt of reeling the commonplace brutality into a more controlled amount, moving inwards by means of manageable backwards baby steps, with (almost) every example ambiguous enough to be considered a technique of defence rather than one of attack, anyway. But then again, there are those who use those very same texts to bomb infidels, so...?

Janthopoyism: Your New Religion

But even with these hot-topics up for debate, there are various aspects which I could not easily swallow no matter how much I chewed. Firstly, even if I have read some rather convincing defences from Muslim feminists, there is no denying that this book was 100% written for men, and regardless of the age it was recorded, does not sit comfortably in our current day strive for gender equality, forever addressing and favouring the male readers above the female counterparts. Secondly, I found the descriptions of paradise to be a touch too materialistic, which is not the healthiest incentive for being a good person, in my opinion. And finally, the main overall message I take from almost all scripture, is that God is a complete and utter dick. For an omnipresent all-knowing being, he sure spends a lot of time trying to convince us of his worth, using death and eternal suffering to strike fear for his presence, which is a point so fiercely focused upon that it overshadows absolutely everything else on offer here. Honestly, I feel so deeply sorry for the people who lived back in these ancient days, as they must have sat in perpetual terror over the wrath of Allah/God, a power who seemed to want nothing more but for us to bow down to his name without question. I mean, they talk so much of proof, but where is it? How much more proof does one book have than the other? How are we expected to make any educated decisions here? You hear me, God? Answer me!

However, it is definitely not all bad—not in the slightest. Amongst his endless condescending preachiness, Allah is ultimately a forgiving Lord to his followers, and the Quran does provide many easy-to-follow oft reasonable instructions to aid the repentance process, if you believe in that sort of thing. There is also loads of attention focused upon the importance of charity, granting compassion to those less fortunate than oneself, which is a highly admirable direction no matter which path you've chosen to follow. Furthermore, I interpreted multiple verses to be quite chill with all other "God fearing" religions, a general acceptance that they were pretty much worshiping the same larger energy anyway, and it regularly emphasised how this was the most important stance above all. And finally, perhaps the most enjoyable factor of reading this specific book, is that there is something undeniably special about Islam: a beautiful unity between its followers, stuck together by a bond which appears much stronger to me than other doctrines I've researched, as surely one of the strongest faiths on the planet, no matter what that may mean to you.

Ok, so that's all fine and candy, but how about the actual writing itself? How does the whole thing read, especially considering the vast amount of time that has passed since its initial manifestation? Well, once again, there are two sides to this story. The first is that it was actually a very decent experience all in all, not as difficult as you'd imagine, at many points highly poetic and impressively advanced considering its age. Along those lines, and as I've already mentioned, there is a certain power to the Quran which held my attention forward, in full knowledge of how many lives have fought for its words, and how many lives have been unnecessarily lost as a result. However, in the same breath of saying this, it is still what you'd expect in many other ways. It's so repetitive that it could have been a quarter of the length and still got everything said. It's confusing for multiple reasons, for example: who is actually talking here, if not God or Man? (Side note: Angel Gabriel speaking through Muhammad is one popular theory, which is fun.) Likewise, to make matters even more muddled, the chapter titles are often completely irrelevant, each of their contents almost indecipherable from one another, which is slightly tiring. I mean, for the word of God, it's suspiciously rambly, and much of the subject matter simply does not apply to our modern times whatsoever (which makes sense, I guess). Even the scripture seems to gradually lose interest in its own delivery, the chapters getting significantly shorter and shorter as it goes on, indicating the author just wanted to get it over with by the end. However, I do appreciate much of these complaints could be down to translations as well as my own ignorant perception, but even if I got bits wrong, I must pause to give much praise to this version of the book, as it did a fantastic job of making the journey a relatively easy to understand one for someone as uneducated as me.

Subplot #1: While we're on the topic of understanding, there were a lot of supposed beliefs about Islam that I eagerly awaited confirmation of, but disappointedly never received. Like, where does it say we can't draw Muhammad? There may have been a verse or two about avoiding intoxication, but I did not read a single piece explicitly forbidding the indulgence—on the contrary, some portions came across like the whole act of drinking was a non-issue really. Suicide bombing was another one, because while perhaps you could exaggerate the "prepared to die for the Lord" idea into whatever you want, I hardly think that's what was intended. And now that we mention it, the "virgins in Heaven" promise? That doesn't seem like a given whatsoever either. But anyway...

Subplot #2: I have a theory about all of this actually, everything all of the time, if you have a moment. Perhaps... every detail from this book is 100% true. Perhaps God spoke to Moses and he helped build Judaism. And then God was like "hmm, no these guys haven't quite got it right" so he sent down Jesus to rectify everything, and it was like Judaism: the Sequel, some sort of progression where the more adventurous/naive jumped on board whilst many others were stuck in their traditional ways. But then God was like "no, actually I have more to say" and then sent the teachings of the Quran, and it essentially became a trilogy, very similar from one another and each based upon the previous installments, which is exactly what they are. Naturally, by this point there was much confusion because all of these texts were claiming to be The Truth and no one knew who was actually in the right, but it didn't really matter, because shortly afterwards either God lost interest or we killed him, because there are so many unfulfilled oaths of smiting within these scriptures (as well as a severe lack of believable messengers running about these days) that he couldn't possibly be involved anymore. You see the sin in the world today? You see people with faith suffering in poverty and war? You see the rich Atheists living long and prosperous lives? These texts unquestionably told us this would never happen! Where's the lightening and the plagues and the stuff? The devil won after all!

Ok, so enough of that, let's wrap things up (finally, I'm sure). I think the most important thing here, is to appreciate that this religion has evolved, and so we can't take the Quran (and all of its translations) to be exactly where the belief is at right now. We must also understand there is a lot of intense debate about certain interpretations, most of which I did not delve in to, because it gets well confusing well quickly and I'm just a little boy. However, I do wholeheartedly encourage everyone to read this book themselves. Even if you are an Islamophobe, you should still give it a go, if not to educate yourself on what it is you hate, but perhaps because it may potentially save your life one day (horrible thought, but there have been incidents where the ability to recite a Quran verse has granted people release from terrorist hostage situations, so educate?). On the flip side of this, I also have a sneaking suspicion that many Muslims I know have not fully read these words either, as you lot may have a difficult time defending some of the more outdated and disturbing opinions stated in here, and it's probably best you learn what it is you are devoting your soul to (if you haven't already done so). But no matter who you are, or even if you have no inclination to read these pages, the general rule should always remain the same: live your life and let other people worship however they see fit, because if you don't, then you are a wanker. Personally, I love every Muslim I have ever met in real life, they have never struck me with any peculiar vibe or suspicious intentions, and if anything, I only feel so sorry for them that their beliefs are treated in such atrociously hostile manners due to the mischief of a few broken minds. There is no justification for this intolerance ever, and I, for one, am proud that I have taken the time to get to know the ins and outs of their core belief system, as I now feel closer to the Islamic faith and even further away from them silly racists, which is seriously important to me. And no one can take that away.

Finally, as a special treat for those who ultimately can't be assed to read this holy book, I have kindly picked out my favourite pieces and laid them out for you below, complete with my own useless commentary on each one. As a result, maybe some of these choices aren't the best representatives of the overall theme and may lose a bit of their meaning without context, but at least they made me excited.

2. al-Baqarah (The Heifer)

2:74 - Then after that your hearts hardened. They were as rocks, or even harder. For there are some rocks from which rivers gush out, and others that splinter and water comes out from them, and others that sink in awe of God. God is not unaware of what you do.

Beautifully poetic.

2:75 - Do you hope that they will believe in you, when some of them used to hear the Word of God, and then deliberately distort it, even after understanding it?

Distorting the word of God for your gain, and is something I think a lot of people are guilty of.

2:111 - And they say, "None will enter Heaven unless he is a Jew or a Christian." These are their wishes. Say, "Produce your proof, if you are truthful."
2:112 - In fact, whoever submits himself to God, and is a doer of good, will have his reward with his Lord—they have nothing to fear, nor shall they grieve."
2:113 - The Jews say, "The Christians are not based on anything;" and the Christians say, "The Jews are not based on anything." Yet they both read the Scripture. Similarly, the ignorant said the same thing. God will judge between them on the Day of Resurrection regarding their differences.

Anyone who submits to God will be fine.

2:136 - Say, "We believe in God; and in what was revealed to us; and in what was revealed to Abraham, and Ishmael, and Isaac, and Jacob, and the Patriarchs; and in what was given to Moses and Jesus; and in what was given to the prophets—from their Lord. We make no distinction between any of them, and to Him we surrender."

Recognises Jesus as a prophet.

2:174 - Those who conceal what God revealed in the Book, and exchange it for a small price—those swallow nothing but fire into their bellies. And God will not speak to them on the Day of Resurrection, nor will He purify them, and they will have a painful punishment.

"Swallow nothing but fire into their bellies" is a powerful image.

2:178 - O you who believe! Retaliation for the murdered is ordained upon you: the free for the free, the slave for the slave, the female for the female. But if he is forgiven by his kin, then grant any reasonable demand, and pay with good will. This is a concession from your Lord, and a mercy. But whoever commits aggression after that, a painful torment awaits him.

Retaliation is ordered, but not if he is forgiven, and don't be aggressive, or something.

2:190 - And fight in the cause of God those who fight you, but do not commit aggression; God does not love the aggressors.
2:191 - And kill them wherever you overtake them, and expel them from where they had expelled you. Oppression is more serious than murder. But do not fight them at the Sacred Mosque, unless they fight you there. If they fight you, then kill them. Such is the retribution of the disbelievers.
2:192 - But if they cease, then God is Forgiving and Merciful.
2:193 - And fight them until there is no oppression, and worship becomes devoted to God alone. But if they cease, then let there be no hostility except against the oppressors.

Don't be aggressive, but kill anyone who fights or oppresses you, which could be where some of the troubled reputation of Islam comes from.

2:213 - Humanity used to be one community; then God sent the prophets, bringing good news and giving warnings. And He sent down with them the Scripture, with the truth, to judge between people regarding their differences. But none differed over it except those who were given it—after the proofs had come to them—out of mutual envy between them. Then God guided those who believed to the truth they had disputed, in accordance with His will. God guides whom He wills to a straight path.

Basically, we used to be one community, but God ruined it for everyone.

2:216 - Fighting is ordained for you, even though you dislike it. But it may be that you dislike something while it is good for you, and it may be that you like something while it is bad for you. God knows, and you do not know.

You must fight even if you don't like it because God said so :/

2:222 - And they ask you about menstruation: say, "It is harmful, so keep away from women during menstruation. And do not approach them until they have become pure. Once they have become pure, approach them in the way God has directed you." God loves the repentant, and He loves those who keep clean."
2:223 - Your women are cultivation for you; so approach your cultivation whenever you like, and send ahead for yourselves. And fear God, and know that you will meet Him. And give good news to the believers.

Pretty self explanatory.

2:227 - And if they resolve to divorce—God is Hearing and Knowing.
2:228 - Divorced women shall wait by themselves for three periods. And it is not lawful for them to conceal what God has created in their wombs, if they believe in God and the Last Day. Meanwhile, their husbands have the better right to take them back, if they desire reconciliation. And women have rights similar to their obligations, according to what is fair. But men have a degree over them. God is Mighty and Wise.
2:229 - Divorce is allowed twice. Then, either honorable retention, or setting free kindly. It is not lawful for you to take back anything you have given them, unless they fear that they cannot maintain God's limits. If you fear that they cannot maintain God's limits, then there is no blame on them if she sacrifices something for her release. These are God's limits, so do not transgress them. Those who transgress God's limits are the unjust.
2:230 - If he divorces her, she shall not be lawful for him again until she has married another husband. If the latter divorces her, then there is no blame on them for reuniting, provided they think they can maintain God's limits. These are God's limits; He makes them clear to people who know.
2:231 - When you divorce women, and they have reached their term, either retain them amicably, or release them amicably. But do not retain them to hurt them and commit aggression. Whoever does that has wronged himself. And do not take God's revelations for a joke. And remember God's favor to you, and that He revealed to you the Scripture and Wisdom to teach you. And fear God, and know that God is aware of everything.
2:232 - When you divorce women, and they have reached their term, do not prevent them from marrying their husbands, provided they agree on fair terms. Thereby is advised whoever among you believes in God and the Last Day. That is better and more decent for you. God knows, and you do not know.

Divorce is ok! Fairly progressive, although still definitely written to favour the man.

2:253 - These messengers: We gave some advantage over others. To some of them God spoke directly, and some He raised in rank. We gave Jesus son of Mary the clear miracles, and We strengthened him with the Holy Spirit. Had God willed, those who succeeded them would not have fought one another, after the clear signs had come to them; but they disputed; some of them believed, and some of them disbelieved. Had God willed, they would not have fought one another; but God does whatever He desires.

God could have made peace, but God does what he wants! Lol.

2:271 - If you give charity openly, that is good. But if you keep it secret, and give it to the needy in private, that is better for you. It will atone for some of your misdeeds. God is cognizant of what you do.

Giving in private is even better, I like that.

3. Ali’Imran (Family of Imran)

3:78 - And among them are those who twist the Scripture with their tongues, that you may think it from the Scripture, when it is not from the Scripture. And they say, "It is from God," when it is not from God. They tell lies and attribute them to God, knowingly.

This verse could save your life if you find yourself under an extremist attack.

3:106 - On the Day when some faces will be whitened, and some faces will be blackened. As for those whose faces are blackened: "Did you disbelieve after your belief?" Then taste the punishment for having disbelieved.

Poetic. Imaginative.

3:117 - The parable of what they spend in this worldly life is that of a frosty wind that strikes the harvest of a people who have wronged their souls, and destroys it. God did not wrong them, but they wronged their own selves.

Again, awesomely poetic.

3:119 - There you are, you love them, but they do not love you, and you believe in the entire scripture. And when they meet you, they say, "We believe;" but when they are alone, they bite their fingers in rage at you. Say, "Die in your rage; God knows what is within the hearts."

More poetic hardcoreness.

3:144 - Muhammad is no more than a messenger. Messengers have passed on before him. If he dies or gets killed, will you turn on your heels? He who turns on his heels will not harm God in any way. And God will reward the appreciative.

Enter Muhummad! First mention! And weirdly, he is almost completely absent from the rest of the Quaran, while this verse doesn't exactly praise him like you'd think.

3:178 - Those who disbelieve should not assume that We respite them for their own good. In fact, We only respite them so that they may increase in sinfulness. A humiliating torment awaits them.

God isn't being nice, basically.

3:181 - God has heard the statement of those who said, "God is poor, and we are rich." We will write down what they said, and their wrongful killing of the prophets; and We will say, "Taste the torment of the burning."

Adore that last line.

4. an-Nisa’ (Women)

4:3 - If you fear you cannot act fairly towards the orphans—then marry the women you like—two, or three, or four. But if you fear you will not be fair, then one, or what you already have. That makes it more likely that you avoid bias.

Marry multiple women, if you can handle it.

4:11 - God instructs you regarding your children: The male receives the equivalent of the share of two females. If they are daughters, more than two, they get two-thirds of what he leaves. If there is only one, she gets one-half. As for the parents, each gets one-sixth of what he leaves, if he had children. If he had no children, and his parents inherit from him, his mother gets one-third. If he has siblings, his mother gets one-sixth. After fulfilling any bequest and paying off debts. Your parents and your children—you do not know which are closer to you in welfare. This is God's Law. God is Knowing and Judicious.

Instruction on how to split wealth, naturally favouring the man.

4:15 - Those of your women who commit lewdness, you must have four witnesses against them, from among you. If they testify, confine them to the homes until death claims them, or God makes a way for them.
4:16 - If two men among you commit it, punish them both. But if they repent and reform, leave them alone. God is Redeemer, Full of Mercy.

Once again, heavily favouring the man. Send women to die in their homes, while dudes can just repent.

4:43 - O you who believe! Do not approach the prayer while you are drunk, so that you know what you say; nor after sexual orgasm—unless you are travelling—until you have bathed. If you are sick, or traveling, or one of you comes from the toilet, or you have had intercourse with women, and cannot find water, find clean sand and wipe your faces and your hands with it. God is Pardoning and Forgiving.

Weirdly talks about getting drunk quite casually? Don’t pray when you're drunk, or if you've just had sex, or just used toilet. I also found it was interesting that you can wash yourself in sand if you have no water.

4:47 - O you who were given the Book! Believe in what We sent down, confirming what you have, before We obliterate faces and turn them inside out, or curse them as We cursed the Sabbath-breakers. The command of God is always done.

Turn faces inside out? Violently poetic!

4:56 - Those who reject Our revelations—We will scorch them in a Fire. Every time their skins are cooked, We will replace them with other skins, so they will experience the suffering. God is Most Powerful, Most Wise.

One again, so violent yet poetic that it's almost beautiful.

4:79 - Whatever good happens to you is from God, and whatever bad happens to you is from your own self. We sent you to humanity as a messenger, and God is Witness enough.

How convenient!

4:89 - They would love to see you disbelieve, just as they disbelieve, so you would become equal. So do not befriend any of them, unless they emigrate in the way of God. If they turn away, seize them and execute them wherever you may find them; and do not take from among them allies or supporters.
4:90 - Except those who join people with whom you have a treaty, or those who come to you reluctant to fight you or fight their own people. Had God willed, He would have given them power over you, and they would have fought you. If they withdraw from you, and do not fight you, and offer you peace, then God assigns no excuse for you against them.
4:91 - You will find others who want security from you, and security from their own people. But whenever they are tempted into civil discord, they plunge into it. So if they do not withdraw from you, nor offer you peace, nor restrain their hands, seize them and execute them wherever you find them. Against these, We have given you clear authorization.
4:92 - Never should a believer kill another believer, unless by error. Anyone who kills a believer by error must set free a believing slave, and pay compensation to the victim's family, unless they remit it as charity. If the victim belonged to a people who are hostile to you, but is a believer, then the compensation is to free a believing slave. If he belonged to a people with whom you have a treaty, then compensation should be handed over to his family, and a believing slave set free. Anyone who lacks the means must fast for two consecutive months, by way of repentance to God. God is All-Knowing, Most Wise.

All about murder again, kinda worrying. However, it states right there in 4:90 that by offering peace, you should not be killed, so remember that just in case.

4:160 - Due to wrongdoing on the part of the Jews, We forbade them good things that used to be lawful for them; and for deterring many from God's path.

Anti-Semitic much?

4:176 - They ask you for a ruling. Say, "God gives you a ruling concerning the person who has neither parents nor children." If a man dies, and leaves no children, and he had a sister, she receives one-half of what he leaves. And he inherits from her if she leaves no children. But if there are two sisters, they receive two-thirds of what he leaves. If the siblings are men and women, the male receives the share of two females." God makes things clear for you, lest you err. God is Aware of everything.

Rules of inheritance, favouring the man, as per usual.

5. al-Ma’idah (The Table)

5:160 - Prohibited for you are carrion, blood, the flesh of swine, and animals dedicated to other than God; also the flesh of animals strangled, killed violently, killed by a fall, gored to death, mangled by wild animals—except what you rescue, and animals sacrificed on altars; and the practice of drawing lots. For it is immoral. Today, those who disbelieve have despaired of your religion, so do not fear them, but fear Me. Today I have perfected your religion for you, and have completed My favor upon you, and have approved Islam as a religion for you. But whoever is compelled by hunger, with no intent of wrongdoing—God is Forgiving and Merciful.

Don’t eat animals that have suffered (erm, all animals?), don't eat any pigs, but if you're starving then it's cool (which I think is fair).

5:14 - And from those who say, "We are Christians," We received their pledge, but they neglected some of what they were reminded of. So We provoked enmity and hatred among them until the Day of Resurrection; God will then inform them of what they used to craft.

Christians are also on God's shitlist after all.

5:18 - The Jews and the Christians say, "We are the children of God, and His beloved." Say, "Why then does He punish you for your sins?" In fact, you are humans from among those He created. He forgives whom He wills, and He punishes whom He wills. To God belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth and what lies between them, and to Him is the return.

Christians and Jews again, God does what he likes.

5:31 - Then God sent a raven digging the ground, to show him how to cover his brother's corpse. He said, "Woe to me! I was unable to be like this raven, and bury my brother's corpse." So he became full of regrets.
5:32 - Because of that We ordained for the Children of Israel: that whoever kills a person—unless it is for murder or corruption on earth—it is as if he killed the whole of mankind; and whoever saves it, it is as if he saved the whole of mankind. Our messengers came to them with clarifications, but even after that, many of them continue to commit excesses in the land.

I dig the raven bit. Also saying we shouldn't kill now.

5:33 - The punishment for those who fight God and His Messenger, and strive to spread corruption on earth, is that they be killed, or crucified, or have their hands and feet cut off on opposite sides, or be banished from the land. That is to disgrace them in this life; and in the Hereafter they will have a terrible punishment.


5:38 - As for the thief, whether male or female, cut their hands as a penalty for what they have reaped—a deterrent from God. God is Mighty and Wise.

Cut them thieves hands (off?).

5:45 - And We wrote for them in it: a life for a life, an eye for an eye, a nose for a nose, an ear for an ear, a tooth for a tooth, and an equal wound for a wound; but whoever forgoes it in charity, it will serve as atonement for him. Those who do not rule according to what God revealed are the evildoers.

Standard eye for an eye thing.

5:48 - And We revealed to you the Book, with truth, confirming the Scripture that preceded it, and superseding it. So judge between them according to what God revealed, and do not follow their desires if they differ from the truth that has come to you. For each of you We have assigned a law and a method. Had God willed, He could have made you a single nation, but He tests you through what He has given you. So compete in righteousness. To God is your return, all of you; then He will inform you of what you had disputed.

God could have made us all get along, but He tests us instead, like some sick game.

5:69 - Those who believe, and the Jews, and the Sabians, and the Christians—whoever believes in God and the Last Day, and does what is right—they have nothing to fear, nor shall they grieve.

Once again, all religions are cool as long as you believe?

5:82 - You will find that the people most hostile towards the believers are the Jews and the polytheists. And you will find that the nearest in affection towards the believers are those who say, "We are Christians." That is because among them are priests and monks, and they are not arrogant.

Christians are cool. Jews are not. LOL.

5:90 - O you who believe! Intoxicants, gambling, idolatry, and divination are abominations of Satan's doing. Avoid them, so that you may prosper.

There's the non-drinking verse.

5:95 - O you who believe! do not kill game while you are in pilgrim sanctity. Whoever of you kills any intentionally, its penalty shall be a domestic animal comparable to what he killed, as determined by two honest persons among you—an offering delivered to the Kaabah. Or he may atone by feeding the needy, or its equivalent in fasting, so that he may taste the consequences of his conduct. God forgives what is past. But whoever repeats, God will take revenge on him. God is Almighty, Avenger.

Guide to killing animals (don’t?), how the judgment process should work, how to repent etc.

6. al-An’am (Livestock)

6:6 - Have they not considered how many generations We destroyed before them? We had established them on earth more firmly than We established you, and We sent the clouds pouring down abundant rain on them, and We made rivers flow beneath them. But We destroyed them for their sins, and established other civilizations after them.

Reminded me of that Matrix speech to Neo from the Architect: "But, rest assured, this will be the sixth time we have destroyed it, and we have become exceedingly efficient at it."

6:9 - Had We made him an angel, We would have made him a man, and confused them when they are already confused.

This makes sense to me. People wouldn't accept an angel sighting anyway.

6:70 - So leave alone those who take their religion for play and pastime, and whom the worldly life has deceived. But remind with it, lest a soul becomes damned on account of what it has earned. It has no helper or intercessor besides God. Even if it offers every equivalent, none will be accepted from it. These are the ones who are delivered to perdition by their actions. They will have a drink of scalding water, and a painful punishment, because they used to disbelieve.

"They will have a drink of scalding water" pretty hardcore.

6:101 - Originator of the heavens and the earth—how can He have a son when He never had a companion? He created all things, and He has knowledge of all things.

I'm not sure, but I think this is saying that God never had sex so Jesus was not His son?

6:101 - Whomever God desires to guide, He spreads open his heart to Islam; and whomever He desires to misguide, He makes his heart narrow, constricted, as though he were climbing up the sky. God thus lays defilement upon those who do not believe.

Basically, don't worry if you don't believe, it's not your fault, God made you this way.

6:139 - And they say, "What lies in the wombs of these animals is exclusively for our males, and prohibited to our wives." But if it is stillborn, they can share in it. He will surely punish them for their allegations. He is Wise and Knowing.

Something about killing children, and how we shouldn't do it?

6:160 - Whoever comes up with a good deed will have ten times its like; and whoever comes up with an evil deed will be repaid only with its equivalent-they will not be wronged.

It pays to be good!

7. al-A’raf (The Elevations)

7:11 - We created you, then We shaped you, then We said to the angels, "Bow down before Adam;" so they bowed down, except for Satan; he was not of those who bowed down.
7:12 - He said, "What prevented you from bowing down when I have commanded you?" He said, "I am better than he; You created me from fire, and You created him from mud."
7:13 - He said, "Get down from it! It is not for you to act arrogantly in it. Get out! You are one of the lowly!"
7:14 - He said, "Give me respite, until the Day they are resurrected."
7:15 - He said, "You are of those given respite."
7:16 - He said, "Because you have lured me, I will waylay them on Your straight path.
7:17 - Then I will come at them from before them, and from behind them, and from their right, and from their left; and you will not find most of them appreciative."
7:18 - He said, "Get out of it, despised and vanquished. Whoever among them follows you—I will fill up Hell with you all.

Satan being his bad self. It continues on a bit from here too, all about the temptation of Adam and Eve, worth checking out.

7:31 - O Children of Adam! Dress properly at every place of worship, and eat and drink, but do not be excessive. He does not love the excessive.

Do they mean alcohol? Is drinking ok? Because "just don’t be excessive" is good advice really.

7:78 - Whereupon the quake overtook them, and they became lifeless bodies in their homes.

Good image.

7:103 - Then, after them, We sent Moses with Our miracles to Pharaoh and his establishment, but they denounced them. So consider the end of the evildoers.
7:104 - Moses said, "O Pharaoh, I am a messenger from the Lord of the Worlds."
7:105 - "It is only proper that I should not say about God anything other than the truth. I have come to you with clear evidence from your Lord, so let the Children of Israel go with me."
7:106 - He said, "If you brought a miracle, then present it, if you are truthful."
7:107 - So he threw his staff, and it was an apparent serpent.
7:108 - And He pulled out his hand, and it was white to the onlookers.
7:109 - The notables among Pharaoh's people said, "This is really a skilled magician."

Moses was one skilled magician. It goes on into a magician competition after this, and Moses wins.

7:176 - Had We willed, We could have elevated him through them; but he clung to the ground, and followed his desires. His metaphor is that of a dog: if you chase it, it pants; and if you leave it alone, it pants. Such is the metaphor of the people who deny Our signs. So tell the tale, so that they may ponder.

Decent metaphor actually.

8. al-Anfal (The Spoils)

8:12 - Your Lord inspired the angels: "I am with you, so support those who believe. I will cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. So strike above the necks, and strike off every fingertip of theirs."

Vicious God.

8:17 - It was not you who killed them, but it was God who killed them. And it was not you who launched when you launched, but it was God who launched. That He may bestow upon the believers an excellent reward. God is Hearing and Knowing.

Don’t worry, you didn't kill anyone. God did it through you.

9. at-Tawbah (Repentance)

9:5 - When the Sacred Months have passed, kill the polytheists wherever you find them. And capture them, and besiege them, and lie in wait for them at every ambush. But if they repent, and perform the prayers, and pay the alms, then let them go their way. God is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful.

Kill! Capture! Besiege! Ambush! But forgive them if they do your things. Not into this.

9:84 - You are never to pray over anyone of them who dies, nor are you to stand at his graveside. They rejected God and His Messenger, and died while they were sinners.

Don’t mourn non believers, which is a heavy thing to ask. What if you were friends?

10. Yunus (Jonah)

10:37 - This Quran could not have been produced by anyone other than God. In fact, it is a confirmation of what preceded it, and an elaboration of the Book. There is no doubt about it—it is from the Lord of the Universe.

Bold statement. I do have some doubts, actually.

11. Hud (Hud)

11:25 - We sent Noah to his people, "I am to you a clear warner."
11:26 - "That you shall worship none but God. I fear for you the agony of a painful Day."
11:27 - The notables who disbelieved among his people said, "We see in you nothing but a man like us, and we see that only the worst among us have followed you, those of immature judgment. And we see that you have no advantage over us. In fact, we think you are liars."

It goes on for a while here just telling the Noah story again. Worth a read but similar to what you already know, I imagine.

10:91 - They said, "O Shuaib, we do not understand much of what you say, and we see that you are weak among us. Were it not for your tribe, we would have stoned you. You are of no value to us."

Hahaha. Fair.

12. Yusuf (Joseph)

This whole chapter is great, one of my favourites, because it is an actual narrative telling a followable story all about the prophet Joseph. I was actually legit entertained here.

14. Ibrahim (Abraham)

14:10 - Their messengers said, "Is there any doubt about God, Maker of the heavens and the earth? He calls you to forgive you your sins, and to defer you until a stated term." They said, "You are only humans like us; you want to turn us away from what our ancestors worshiped; so bring us a clear proof."
14:11 - Their messengers said to them, "We are only humans like you, but God favors whomever He wills from among His servants. We cannot possibly show you any proof, except by leave of God. In God let the faithful put their trust."
14:12 - "And why should we not trust in God, when He has guided us in our ways? We will persevere in the face of your persecution. And upon God the reliant should rely."
14:13 - Those who disbelieved said to their messengers, "We will expel you from our land, unless you return to our religion." And their Lord inspired them: "We will destroy the wrongdoers."
14:14 - "And We will settle you in the land after them. That is for him who fears My Majesty, and fears My threats."
14:15 - And they prayed for victory, and every stubborn tyrant came to disappointment.
14:16 - Beyond him lies Hell, and he will be given to drink putrid water.
14:17 - He will guzzle it, but he will not swallow it. Death will come at him from every direction, but he will not die. And beyond this is relentless suffering.

This is pretty harsh. People just wanted proof rather than just follow some new idea blindly. I think that's understandable.

15. al-Hijr (The Rock)

15:47 - And We will remove all ill-feelings from their hearts—brothers and sisters, on couches facing one another.

Beautiful image.

16. an-Nahl (The Bee)

16:4 - He created the human being from a drop of fluid, yet he becomes an open adversary.

I like this.

16:58 - And when one of them is given news of a female infant, his face darkens, and he chokes with grief.
16:59 - He hides from the people because of the bad news given to him. Shall he keep it in humiliation, or bury it in the dust? Evil is the decision they make.

I guess people didn't really want daughters back then.

16:66 - And there is a lesson for you in cattle: We give you a drink from their bellies, from between waste and blood, pure milk, refreshing to the drinkers.

Yeah, that's pretty gross.

16:82 - But if they turn away, your only duty is clear communication.

A better solution than murder, this one. Another good verse against the terrorists using the Quran for their evil.

16:93 - Had God willed, He would have made you one congregation, but He leaves astray whom He wills, and He guides whom He wills. And you will surely be questioned about what you used to do.

Once again, God is playing a game here. He makes you do whatever he pleases, and then asks you why you did that.

16:115 - He has forbidden you carrion, and blood, and the flesh of swine, and anything consecrated to other than God. But if anyone is compelled by necessity, without being deliberate or malicious, then God is Forgiving and Merciful.

Don't eat pigs and such, but if you are desperate, it's ok. Which I reckon is fair.

17. al-Isra’ (The Night Journey)

17:23 - Your Lord has commanded that you worship none but Him, and that you be good to your parents. If either of them or both of them reach old age with you, do not say to them a word of disrespect, nor scold them, but say to them kind words.

Be good to your parents.

17:31 - And do not kill your children for fear of poverty. We provide for them, and for you. Killing them is a grave sin.
17:32 - And do not come near adultery. It is immoral, and an evil way.
17:33 - And do not kill the soul which God has made sacred, except in the course of justice. If someone is killed unjustly, We have given his next of kin certain authority. But he should not be excessive in killing, for he will be supported.
17:34 - And do not go near the orphan's property, except with the best of intentions, until he has reached his maturity. And honor your pledge, because the pledge involves responsibility.
17:35 - And give full measure when you measure, and weigh with accurate scales. That is fair, and the best determination.
17:36 - And do not occupy yourself with what you have no knowledge of. The hearing, and the sight, and the brains—all these will be questioned.
17:37 - And do not walk proudly on earth. You can neither pierce the earth, nor can you match the mountains in height.
17:38 - The evil of all these is disliked by your Lord.

A good run of rules which I mostly agree with, although the whole special rules for people who have had loved ones murdered is a bit weird.

18. al-Kahf (The Cave)

18:29 - And say, "The truth is from your Lord. Whoever wills—let him believe. And whoever wills—let him disbelieve". We have prepared for the unjust a Fire, whose curtains will hem them in. And when they cry for relief, they will be relieved with water like molten brass, which scalds the faces. What a miserable drink, and what a terrible place.

Pretty hardcore, hey.

18:37 - His friend said to him, as he conversed with him, "Are you being ungrateful to Him who created you from dust, then from a sperm-drop, then evolved you into a man?

Dust and a sperm-drop, I like that.

18:50 - We said to the angels, "Bow down to Adam." So they bowed down, except for Satan. He was of the jinn, and he defied the command of his Lord. Will you take him and his offspring as lords instead of Me, when they are an enemy to you? Evil is the exchange for the wrongdoers.

Satan being his bad self again.

18:65 - Then they came upon a servant of Ours, whom We had blessed with mercy from Us, and had taught him knowledge from Our Own.
18:66 - Moses said to him, "May I follow you, so that you may teach me some of the guidance you were taught?"
18:67 - He said, "You will not be able to endure with me.
18:68 - And how will you endure what you have no knowledge of?"
18:69 - He said, "You will find me, God willing, patient; and I will not disobey you in any order of yours."
18:70 - He said, "If you follow me, do not ask me about anything, until I myself make mention of it to you."
18:71 - So they set out. Until, when they had boarded the boat, he holed it. He said, "Did you hole it, to drown its passengers? You have done something awful."
18:72 - He said, "Did I not tell you that you will not be able to endure with me?"
18:73 - He said, "Do not rebuke me for forgetting, and do not make my course difficult for me."
18:74 - Then they set out. Until, when they encountered a boy, he killed him. He said, "Did you kill a pure soul, who killed no one? You have done something terrible."
18:75 - He said, "Did I not tell you that you will not be able to endure with me?"
18:76 - He said, "If I ask you about anything after this, then do not keep company with me. You have received excuses from me."
18:77 - So they set out. Until, when they reached the people of a town, they asked them for food, but they refused to offer them hospitality. There they found a wall about to collapse, and he repaired it. He said, "If you wanted, you could have obtained a payment for it."
18:78 - He said, "This is the parting between you and me. I will tell you the interpretation of what you were unable to endure.
18:79 - As for the boat, it belonged to paupers working at sea. I wanted to damage it because there was a king coming after them seizing every boat by force.
18:80 - As for the boy, his parents were believers, and we feared he would overwhelm them with oppression and disbelief.
18:81 - So we wanted their Lord to replace him with someone better in purity, and closer to mercy.
18:82 - And as for the wall, it belonged to two orphaned boys in the town. Beneath it was a treasure that belonged to them. Their father was a righteous man. Your Lord wanted them to reach their maturity, and then extract their treasure—as a mercy from your Lord. I did not do it of my own accord. This is the interpretation of what you were unable to endure."

Long but semi-easy to follow narrative. I found it fucking weird. The holy dude killed a boy, and was like "no, it's fine" and it was. Is this acceptable behaviour?

19. Maryam (Mary)

This is a cool chapter as a whole because it focuses a lot on Jesus' mommy, I enjoyed it.

19:7 - "O Zechariah, We give you good news of a son, whose name is John, a name We have never given before."

First use of the name John ever? That's a pretty big deal!

19:10 - He said, "My Lord, give me a sign." He said, "Your sign is that you will not speak to the people for three nights straight."

That's the worst sign I've ever heard of in my life. How is that even a sign?

19:46 - He said, "Are you renouncing my gods, O Abraham? If you do not desist, I will stone you. So leave me alone for a while."

Leave me alone for a while or I'll stone you. I've said this to someone before.

19:86 - And herd the sinners into hell, like animals to water.
19:87 - They will have no power of intercession, except for someone who has an agreement with the Most Merciful.
19:88 - And they say, "The Most Merciful has begotten a son."
19:89 - You have come up with something monstrous.
19:90 - At which the heavens almost rupture, and the earth splits, and the mountains fall and crumble.


20. Ta-Ha (Ta-Ha)

This was another cool chapter which worked as a whole, much easier to follow than most, focusing on the existence of God through Moses and Abraham.

21. al-Anbiya (The Prophets)

21:15 - This continued to be their cry, until We made them silent ashes.


21:30 - Do the disbelievers not see that the heavens and the earth were one mass, and We tore them apart? And We made from water every living thing. Will they not believe?

Why did you tear it apart, though? Also, how exactly do we see that?

21:47 - We will set up the scales of justice for the Day of Resurrection, so that no soul will suffer the least injustice. And even if it be the weight of a mustard-seed, We will bring it up. Sufficient are We as Reckoners.

I dig the weight of a mustard-seed thing.

21:52 - When he said to his father and his people, "What are these statues to which you are devoted?"
21:53 - They said, "We found our parents worshiping them."
21:54 - He said, "You and your parents are in evident error."
21:55 - They said, "Are you telling us the truth, or are you just playing?"

"Are you telling us the truth, or are you just playing?" hahaha, I love that, sounds like playground talk.

22. al-Hajj (The Pilgrimage)

22:2 - On the Day when you will see it: every nursing mother will discard her infant, and every pregnant woman will abort her load, and you will see the people drunk, even though they are not drunk—but the punishment of God is severe.
22:3 - Among the people is he who argues about God without knowledge, and follows every defiant devil.
22:4 - It was decreed for him, that whoever follows him—he will misguide him, and lead him to the torment of the Blaze.

Well hectic.

22:19 - Here are two adversaries feuding regarding their Lord. As for those who disbelieve, garments of fire will be tailored for them, and scalding water will be poured over their heads.
22:20 - Melting their insides and their skins.
22:21 - And they will have maces of iron.
22:22 - Whenever they try to escape the gloom, they will be driven back to it: "Taste the suffering of burning."

God is quite an imaginative torturer when he wants to be.

22:65 - Do you not see that God made everything on earth subservient to you? How the ships sail at sea by His command? That He holds up the sky lest it falls on earth-except by His permission? God is Gracious towards the people, Most Merciful.

Everything is subservient to us, apparently, which is kinda true. I also dig the way God holds up the ships and the sky for us, very nice of him.

22:70 - Do you not know that God knows everything in the heavens and the earth? This is in a book. That is easy for God.

Which book? This book? I want that book.

23. al-Mu'minun (The Believers)

23:25 - He is nothing but a man possessed. Just ignore him for a while."


24. an-Nur (The Light)

24:2 - The adulteress and the adulterer—whip each one of them a hundred lashes, and let no pity towards them overcome you regarding God's Law, if you believe in God and the Last Day. And let a group of believers witness their punishment.
24:3 - The adulterer shall marry none but an adulteress or an idolatress; and the adulteress shall marry none but an adulterer or an idolater. That has been prohibited for the believers.
24:4 - Those who accuse chaste women, then cannot bring four witnesses, whip them eighty lashes, and do not ever accept their testimony. For these are the immoral.

Straight forward instructions right there.

24:6 - As for those who accuse their own spouses, but have no witnesses except themselves, the testimony of one of them is equivalent to four testimonies, if he swears by God that he is truthful.

I'm sorry, but what a bunch of rubbish! A very easy rule to exploit right here! Way favouring the man again too, ugh.

24:31 - And tell the believing women to restrain their looks, and to guard their privates, and not display their beauty except what is apparent thereof, and to draw their coverings over their breasts, and not expose their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husbands' fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers, their brothers' sons, their sisters' sons, their women, what their right hands possess, their male attendants who have no sexual desires, or children who are not yet aware of the nakedness of women. And they should not strike their feet to draw attention to their hidden beauty. And repent to God, all of you believers, so that you may succeed.

Here's where the burka stylie comes in.

24:43 - Have you not seen how God propels the clouds, then brings them together, then piles them into a heap, and you see rain drops emerging from its midst? How He brings down loads of hail from the sky, striking with it whomever He wills, and diverting it from whomever He wills? The flash of its lightening almost snatches the sight away.

True, true.

24:58 - O you who believe! Permission must be requested by your servants and those of you who have not reached puberty. On three occasions: before the Dawn Prayer, and at noon when you change your clothes, and after the Evening Prayer. These are three occasions of privacy for you. At other times, it is not wrong for you or them to intermingle with one another. God thus clarifies the revelations for you. God is Knowledgeable and Wise.
24:59 - When the children among you reach puberty, they must ask permission, as those before them asked permission. God thus clarifies His revelations for you. God is Knowledgeable and Wise.
24:60 - Women past the age of childbearing, who have no desire for marriage, commit no wrong by taking off their outer clothing, provided they do not flaunt their finery. But to maintain modesty is better for them. God is Hearing and Knowing.

Am I reading this right? Is it ok to fuck little children? As long as they agree? Hmmm. Well, at least old women can take off their burkas, although still probably shouldn't. Verses like this are weird.

26. ash-Shu'ara' (The Poets)

26:4 - If We will, We can send down upon them a sign from heaven, at which their necks will stay bent in humility.

I like this image.

26:63 - We inspired Moses: "Strike the sea with your staff." Whereupon it parted, and each part was like a huge hill.

Classic story.

27. an-Naml (The Ant)

26:4 - As for those who do not believe in the Hereafter: We made their deeds appear good to them, so they wander aimlessly.


27:18 - Until, when they came upon the Valley of Ants, an ant said, "O ants! Go into your nests, lest Solomon and his troops crush you without noticing."

A talking ant!

27:23 - I found a woman ruling over them, and she was given of everything, and she has a magnificent throne.
27:24 - I found her and her people worshiping the sun, instead of God. Satan made their conduct appear good to them, and diverted them from the path, so they are not guided.

A ruling woman, quite a rare occurrence in these stories. Also historically accurate with the whole sun worship aspect.

27:48 - In the city was a gang of nine who made mischief in the land and did no good.
27:49 - They said, "Swear by God to one another that we will attack him and his family by night, and then tell his guardian, 'We did not witness the murder of his family, and we are being truthful.'"
27:50 - They planned a plan, and We planned a plan, but they did not notice.
27:51 - So note the outcome of their planning; We destroyed them and their people, altogether.

27:50 is awesome. God always wins.

27:55 - Do you lust after men instead of women? You are truly ignorant people."

God hates fags!

27:57 - So We saved him and his family, except for his wife, whom We destined to be among the laggards.

Why didn't you save the wife though?

28. al-Qasas (History)

28:15 - Once he entered the city, unnoticed by its people. He found in it two men fighting—one of his own sect, and one from his enemies. The one of his sect solicited his assistance against the one from his enemies; so Moses punched him, and put an end to him. He said, "This is of Satan's doing; he is an enemy that openly misleads."
28:16 - He said, "My Lord, I have wronged myself, so forgive me." So He forgave him. He is the Forgiver, the Merciful.
28:17 - He said, "My Lord, in as much as you have favored me, I will never be a supporter of the criminals."
28:18 - The next morning, he went about in the city, fearful and vigilant, when the man who had sought his assistance the day before was shouting out to him. Moses said to him, "You are clearly a troublemaker."
28:19 - As he was about to strike the one who was their enemy, he said, "O Moses, do you intend to kill me, as you killed someone yesterday? You only want to be a bully in the land, and do not want to be a peacemaker."
28:20 - And a man came from the farthest part of the city running. He said, "O Moses, the authorities are considering killing you, so leave; I am giving you good advice."
28:21 - So he left, fearful and vigilant. He said, "My Lord, deliver me from the wrongdoing people."
28:22 - As he headed towards Median, he said, "Perhaps my Lord will guide me to the right way."
28:23 - And when he arrived at the waters of Median, he found there a crowd of people drawing water, and he noticed two women waiting on the side. He said, "What is the matter with you?" They said, "We cannot draw water until the shepherds depart, and our father is a very old man."
28:24 - So he drew water for them, and then withdrew to the shade, and said, "My Lord, I am in dire need of whatever good you might send down to me."
28:25 - Then, one of the two women approached him, walking bashfully. She said, "My father is calling you, to reward you for drawing water for us." And when he came to him, and told him the story, he said, "Do not fear, you have escaped from the wrongdoing people."
28:26 - One of the two women said, "Father, hire him; the best employee for you is the strong and trustworthy."
28:27 - He said, "I want to marry you to one of these two daughters of mine, provided you work for me for eight years. But if you complete ten, that is up to you. I do not intend to impose any hardship on you. You will find me, God willing, one of the righteous."

Moses was more hardcore than people give him credit for. Also dig the way he got a wife and a job in one move, dude has mad game.

28:50 - But if they fail to respond to you, know that they follow their fancies. And who is more lost than him who follows his fancy without guidance from God? God does not guide the unjust people.

Don't just follow your fancy like that.

28:59 - Your Lord never destroys cities without first sending a messenger in their midst, reciting to them Our revelations. And We never destroy the cities, unless their people are wrongdoers.

That is good to know.

28:76 - Quaroon belonged to the clan of Moses, but he oppressed them. We had given him treasures, the keys of which would weigh down a group of strong men. His people said to him, "Do not exult; God does not love the exultant.
28:77 - But seek, with what God has given you, the Home of the Hereafter, and do not neglect your share of this world. And be charitable, as God has been charitable to you. And do not seek corruption in the land. God does not like the seekers of corruption."
28:78 - He said, "I was given all this on account of knowledge I possess." Did he not know that God destroyed many generations before him, who were stronger than he, and possessed greater riches? But the guilty will not be asked about their sins.
28:79 - And he went out before his people in his splendor. Those who desired the worldly life said, "If only we possessed the likes of what Quaroon was given. He is indeed very fortunate."
28:80 - But those who were given knowledge said, "Woe to you! The reward of God is better for those who believe and do righteous deeds." Yet none attains it except the steadfast.
28:81 - So We caused the earth to cave in on him and his mansion. He had no company to save him from God, and he could not defend himself.

Don't get cocky about your blessings, basically.

29. al-'Ankabut (The Spider)

29:8 - We have advised the human being to be good to his parents. But if they urge you to associate with Me something you have no knowledge of, do not obey them. To Me is your return; and I will inform you of what you used to do.

Respect your parents, unless they don't follow the Quran, of course.

29:40 - Each We seized by his sin. Against some We sent a sandstorm. Some were struck by the Blast. Some We caused the ground to cave in beneath them. And some We drowned. It was not God who wronged them, but it was they who wronged their own selves.

Different methods of God's massacring.

29:58 - Those who believe and work righteousness—We will settle them in Paradise, in mansions under which rivers flow, dwelling therein forever. Excellent is the compensation for the workers.

Sounds quite nice, I could get on board with that.

30. ar-Rum (The Romans)

30:21 - And of His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, so that you may find tranquility in them; and He planted love and compassion between you. In this are signs for people who reflect.

That's quite sweet.

30:25 - And of His signs is that the heaven and the earth stand at His disposal. And then, when He calls you out of the earth, you will emerge at once.

Raise the dead instantaneously.

30:54 - God is He Who created you weak, then after weakness gave you strength, then after strength gave you weakness and gray hair. He creates whatever He wills. He is the Omniscient, the Omnipotent.

Weak baby human to strong young human to weak old human again. Oh life.

31. Luqman (Luqman)

31:6 - Among the people is he who trades in distracting tales; intending, without knowledge, to lead away from God's way, and to make a mockery of it. These will have a humiliating punishment.
31:7 - And when Our Verses are recited to him, he turns away in pride, as though he did not hear them, as though there is deafness in his ears. So inform him of a painful punishment.

Just inform though, please.

31:10 - He created the heavens without pillars that you can see, and placed stabilizers on earth lest it shifts with you, and scattered throughout it all kinds of creatures. And from the sky We sent down water, and caused to grow therein of every noble pair.

I just like these ideas.

31:17 - O my son, observe the prayer, advocate righteousness, forbid evil, and be patient over what has befallen you. These are of the most honorable traits.
31:18 - And do not treat people with arrogance, nor walk proudly on earth. God does not love the arrogant showoffs.
31:19 - And moderate your stride, and lower your voice. The most repulsive of voices is the donkey's voice."

Easy to follow instructions. I talk really loud though, hope that's not a problem. Do I sound like a donkey?

31:21 - And when it is said to them, "Follow what God has revealed," they say, "Rather, we follow what we found our parents devoted to." Even if Satan is calling them to the suffering of the Blaze?

Good question, but it's difficult to (a) expect people to turn against what they were raised; and (b) know which way Satan is actually calling us, right?

32. Prostration (as-Sajdah)

32:13 - Had We willed, We could have given every soul its guidance, but the declaration from Me will come true: "I will fill Hell with jinn and humans, altogether."

Why though?

32:20 - But as for those who transgressed, their shelter is the Fire. Every time they try to get out of it, they will be brought back into it, and it will be said to them, "Taste the suffering of the Fire which you used to deny."
32:21 - We will make them taste the lesser torment, prior to the greater torment, so that they may return.

That's proper evil.

32:28 - And they say, "When is this victory, if you are truthful?"
32:29 - Say, "On the day of victory, the faith of those who disbelieved will be of no avail to them, and they will not be granted respite."
32:30 - So turn away from them, and wait. They too are waiting.

That last line is a bit ominous.

33. The Confederates (al-Ahzab)

33:19 - Being stingy towards you. And when fear approaches, you see them staring at you—their eyes rolling—like someone fainting at death. Then, when panic is over, they whip you with sharp tongues. They resent you any good. These have never believed, so God has nullified their works; a matter easy for God.

Quite poetic.

33:40 - Muhammad is not the father of any of your men; but he is the Messenger of God, and the seal of the prophets. God is Cognizant of everything.

Second mention of Muhammad!

33:49 - O you who believe! When you marry believing women, but then divorce them before you have touched them, there is no waiting period for you to observe in respect to them; but compensate them, and release them in a graceful manner.

Seems fair enough, if you haven't fucked her, then move on at your own pace.

33:51 - You may defer any of them you wish, and receive any of them you wish. Should you desire any of those you had deferred, there is no blame on you. This is more proper, so that they will be comforted, and not be grieved, and be content with what you have given each one of them. God knows what is within your hearts. God is Omniscient and Clement.
33:52 - Beyond that, no other women are permissible for you, nor can you exchange them for other wives, even if you admire their beauty, except those you already have. God is Watchful over all things.

More sexist rules. As many wives as you want sounds nice though. How do girls feel about this stuff?

33:53 - O you who believe! Do not enter the homes of the Prophet, unless you are given permission to come for a meal; and do not wait for its preparation. And when you are invited, go in. And when you have eaten, disperse, without lingering for conversation. This irritates the Prophet, and he shies away from you, but God does not shy away from the truth. And when you ask his wives for something, ask them from behind a screen; that is purer for your hearts and their hearts. You must never offend the Messenger of God, nor must you ever marry his wives after him, for that would be an enormity with God.

More easy to follow rules, quite interesting these ones.

33:59 - O Prophet! Tell your wives, and your daughters, and the women of the believers, to lengthen their garments. That is more proper, so they will be recognized and not harassed. God is Forgiving and Merciful.

Once again, hide your body, ladies. Although this kind of indicates that it's the men who need the women to be hidden otherwise we won't be able to control our harassment. Damn those unmanageable male instincts!

33:60 - If the hypocrites, and those with sickness in their hearts, and the rumormongers in the City, do not desist, We will incite you against them; then they will not be your neighbors there except for a short while.
33:61 - They are cursed; wherever they are found, they should be captured and killed outright.

You see, this is the problem right here.

34. Saba' (Sheba)

34:14 - Then, when We decreed death for him, nothing indicated his death to them except an earthworm eating at his staff. Then, when he fell down, it became clear to the sprites that, had they known the unseen, they would not have remained in the demeaning torment.
34:15 - In Sheba's homeland there used to be a wonder: two gardens, on the right, and on the left. "Eat of your Lord's provision, and give thanks to Him." A good land, and a forgiving Lord.
34:16 - But they turned away, so We unleashed against them the flood of the dam; and We substituted their two gardens with two gardens of bitter fruits, thorny shrubs, and meager harvest.

God's imaginative punishment again.

34:33 - And those who were oppressed will say to those who were arrogant, "It was your scheming by night and day; as you instructed us to reject God, and to set up rivals to Him." They will hide their remorse when they see the retribution. We will put yokes around the necks of those who disbelieved. Will they be repaid for anything other than what they used to do?

At first I thought they meant egg yoke, which was quite comical, but they probably meant that bit which attaches to a cart if I think about it.

34:39 - Say, "My Lord extends the provision to whomever He wills of His servants, or withholds it. Anything you spend, He will replace it. He is the Best of providers."

Spend like crazy then!

35. Fatir (Originator)

35:9 - God is He who sends the winds, which agitate clouds, which We drive to a dead land, and thereby revive the ground after it had died. Likewise is the Resurrection.

Winds agitate the clouds, I love that.

35:11 - God created you from dust, then from a small drop; then He made you pairs. No female conceives, or delivers, except with His knowledge. No living thing advances in years, or its life is shortened, except it be in a Record. That is surely easy for God.

God is well involved.

35:33 - The Gardens of Eden, which they will enter. They will be adorned therein with gold bracelets and pearls, and their garments therein will be of silk.

Quite materialistic, to be fair.

36. Ya-Seen (Ya-Seen)

36:8 - We placed shackles around their necks, up to their chins, so they are stiff-necked.
36:9 - And We placed a barrier in front of them, and a barrier behind them, and We have enshrouded them, so they cannot see.

Hard life for non-believers.

36:29 - It was just one Cry, and they were stilled.

I like that. Just one cry.

36:37 - Another sign for them is the night: We strip the day out of it—and they are in darkness.
36:38 - And the sun runs towards its destination. Such is the design of the Almighty, the All-Knowing.
36:39 - And the moon: We have disposed it in phases, until it returns like the old twig.
36:40 - The sun is not to overtake the moon, nor is the night to outpace the day. Each floats in an orbit.

Cool poetic perception on the day/night system, lots of great phrases here.

36:48 - And they say, "When will this promise be, if you are truthful?"
36:49 - All they can expect is a single blast, which will seize them while they feud.
36:50 - They will not be able to make a will, nor will they return to their families.
36:51 - The Trumpet will be blown, then behold, they will rush from the tombs to their Lord.

Looks like death is gonna be quite sudden, you guys.

36:55 - The inhabitants of Paradise, on that Day, will be happily busy.
36:56 - They and their spouses, in shades, reclining on couches.
36:57 - They will have therein fruits. They will have whatever they call for.

Haha, "in shades, reclining on couches", this all sounds great! Count me in!

36:63 - This is Hellfire, which you were promised.
36:64 - Roast in it today, because you persistently disbelieved.
36:65 - On this Day, We will seal their mouths, and their hands will speak to Us, and their feet will testify to everything they had done.
36:66 - If We will, We can blind their eyes as they rush towards the path—but how will they see?
36:67 - And if We will, We can cripple them in their place; so they can neither move forward, nor go back.


37. as-Saffat (The Aligners)

I really enjoyed this whole chapter, loads of well known stories, worth a read.

37:6 - We have adorned the lower heaven with the beauty of the planets.
37:7 - And guarded it against every defiant devil.
37:8 - They cannot eavesdrop on the Supernal Elite, for they get bombarded from every side.
37:9 - Repelled—they will have a lingering torment.
37:10 - Except for him who snatches a fragment—he gets pursued by a piercing projectile.

I love all of this.

37:39 - And you will be repaid only for what you used to do.
37:40 - Except for God's sincere servants.
37:41 - For them is a known provision.
37:42 - Fruits; and they will be honored.
37:43 - In the Gardens of Bliss.
37:44 - On furnishings, facing one another.
37:45 - They will be offered a cup of pure drink.
37:46 - White; a delight to those who drink.
37:47 - Never polluted, and never intoxicating.
37:48 - With them will be bashful women with lovely eyes.
37:49 - As if they were closely guarded pearls.

So this is what paradise is like, huh? Sounds nice, but totally achievable on Earth. I like the "bashful women with lovely eyes" though.

37:62 - Is this a better hospitality, or the Tree of Bitterness?
37:63 - We made it an ordeal for the unjust.
37:64 - It is a tree that grows from the bottom of Hell.
37:65 - Its fruits are like the devils' heads.
37:66 - They will eat from it, and fill their bellies with it.
37:67 - Then, on top of it, they will have a brew of boiling liquid.
37:68 - Then their return will be to the Blaze.

And that's what Hell is like. At least we eating.

37:101 - So We gave him good news of a clement boy.
37:102 - Then, when he was old enough to accompany him, he said, "O My son, I see in a dream that I am sacrificing you; see what you think." He said, "O my Father, do as you are commanded; you will find me, God willing, one of the steadfast."
37:103 - Then, when they had submitted, and he put his forehead down.
37:104 - We called out to him, "O Abraham!
37:105 - You have fulfilled the vision." Thus We reward the doers of good.
37:106 - This was certainly an evident test.
37:107 - And We redeemed him with a great sacrifice.
37:108 - And We left with him for later generations.
37:109 - Peace be upon Abraham.

Classic Abraham tale, remember this one. Also, how weird is God?

37:134 - We saved him and his family, all of them.
37:135 - Except for an old woman who lagged behind.
37:136 - Then We annihilated the others.
37:137 - You pass by them in the morning.
37:138 - And at night. Do you not understand?

Poor old woman! Why did you do that? And what do you mean we pass them? I do not understand!

37:139 - And Jonah was one of the messengers.
37:140 - When he fled to the laden boat.
37:141 - He gambled and lost.
37:142 - Then the fish swallowed him, and he was to blame.
37:143 - Had he not been one of those who praised.
37:144 - He would have stayed in its belly until the Day they are raised.
37:145 - Then We threw him into the wilderness, and he was sick.
37:146 - And We made a gourd tree grow over him.

Another classic, story of Jonah. Never knew a tree grew over him, that's pretty cool.

37:149 - Ask them, "Are the daughters for your Lord, while for them the sons?"
37:150 - Or did We create the angels females, as they witnessed?"
37:151 - No indeed! It is one of their lies when they say.
37:152 - "God has begotten." They are indeed lying.
37:153 - So He preferred girls over boys?
37:154 - What is the matter with you? How do you judge?

Bit confusing, but seems like an uncharacteristically pro-female verse here.

38. Saad (Saad)

38:4 - And they marveled that a warner has come to them from among them. The disbelievers said, "This is a lying magician."
38:5 - "Did he turn all the gods into one God? This is something strange."

That is quite some magic trick.

38:34 - We tested Solomon, and placed a body on his throne; then he repented.
38:35 - He said, "My Lord, forgive me, and grant me a kingdom never to be attained by anyone after me. You are the Giver."
38:36 - So We placed the wind at his service, blowing gently by his command, wherever he directed.

Ask and ye shall receive, wow.

39. az-Zumar (Throngs)

39:20 - But those who fear their Lord will have mansions upon mansions, built high, with streams flowing beneath them. The promise of God; and God never breaks a promise.

Once again, how important is this really?

39:30 - You will die, and they will die.

That's a given.

39:67 - They have not esteemed God as He ought to be esteemed. The entire earth will be in His grip on the Day of Resurrection, and the heavens will be folded in His right. Immaculate is He, and Transcendent He is beyond the associations they make.
39:68 - And the Trumpet will be sounded, whereupon everyone in the heavens and the earth will be stunned, except whomever God wills. Then it will be sounded another time, whereupon they will rise up, looking on.
39:69 - And the earth will shine with the Light of its Lord; and the Book will be put in place; and the prophets and the witnesses will be brought in; and Judgment will be passed among them equitably, and they will not be wronged.
39:70 - And every soul will be fully compensated for what it had done. He is well aware of what they do.
39:71 - Those who disbelieved will be driven to Hell in throngs. Until, when they have reached it, and its gates are opened, its keepers will say to them, "Did not messengers from among you come to you, reciting to you the revelations of your Lord, and warning you of the meeting of this Day of yours?" They will say, "Yes, but the verdict of punishment is justified against the disbelievers."
39:72 - It will be said, "Enter the gates of Hell, to abide therein eternally." How wretched is the destination of the arrogant.
39:73 - And those who feared their Lord will be led to Paradise in throngs. Until, when they have reached it, and its gates are opened, its keepers will say to them, "Peace be upon you, you have been good, so enter it, to abide therein eternally."
39:74 - And they will say, "Praise be to God, who has fulfilled His promise to us, and made us inherit the land, enjoying Paradise as we please." How excellent is the reward of the workers.
39:75 - And you will see the angels hovering around the Throne, glorifying their Lord with praise. And it will be judged between them equitably, and it will be said, "Praise be to God, Lord of the Worlds."

Nice little summary of what happens when we die. Beware that trumpet!

41. Fussilat (Detailed)

41:12 - So He completed them as seven universes in two days, and He assigned to each universe its laws. And We decorated the lower universe with lamps, and for protection. That is the design of the Almighty, the All-Knowing.

I found this very interesting. Two days to make seven universes? Only to decorate one with lamps?

41:29 - Those who disbelieved will say, "Our Lord, show us those who led us astray—among jinn and humans—and we will trample them under our feet, so they become of the lowest."

That is a good way to make someone the lowest.

41:34 - Good and evil are not equal. Repel evil with good, and the person who was your enemy becomes like an intimate friend.

Beautiful advice.

41:47 - To Him is referred the knowledge of the Hour. No fruit emerges from its sheath, and no female conceives or delivers, except with His knowledge. And on the Day when He calls out to them, "Where are My associates?" They will say, "We admit to you, none of us is a witness."

God sees all.

41:51 - When We provide comfort for the human being, he withdraws and distances himself; but when adversity befalls him, he starts lengthy prayers.

We all know this to be true.

42. ash-Shura (Consultation)

42:6 - As for those who take masters other than Him: God is in charge of them, and you are not responsible for them.

Once again, instruction to leave the non-believers alone.

42:48 - But if they turn away—We did not send you as a guardian over them. Your only duty is communication. Whenever We let man taste mercy from Us, he rejoices in it; but when misfortune befalls them, as a consequence of what their hands have perpetrated, man turns blasphemous.

And again, talk. Don't do anything weird.

43. az-Zukhruf (Decorations)

43:16 - Or has He chosen for Himself daughters from what He creates, and favored you with sons?
43:17 - Yet when one of them is given news of what he attributes to the Most Gracious, his face darkens, and he suppresses grief.
43:18 - "Someone brought up to be beautiful, and unable to help in a fight?"
43:19 - And they appoint the angels, who are servants to the Most Gracious, as females. Have they witnessed their creation? Their claim will be recorded, and they will be questioned.

This is good, I think. Love your daughters too, which was probably an important instruction back in the day. Also, angels aren't necessarily females either people, duh!

43:51 - Pharaoh proclaimed among his people, saying, "O my people, do I not own the Kingdom of Egypt, and these rivers flow beneath me? Do you not see?
43:52 - Am I not better than this miserable wretch, who can barely express himself?
43:53 - "Someone brought up to be beautiful, and unable to help in a fight?"
43:54 - Why are bracelets of gold not dropped on him, or they angels came with him in procession?"
43:55 - Thus he fooled his people, and they obeyed him. They were wicked people.
43:56 - And when they provoked Our wrath, We took retribution from them, and We drowned them all.

Pharaoh all up in Moses' grill, dissing him, until Moses brought his homeboy God to the party, and then Pharaoh be like dead yo!

43:59 - He was just a servant whom We blessed, and We made him an example for the Children of Israel.

Talking about Jesus, not as the messiah or the Son of God, but just a nice prophet man.

44. az-Zukhruf (Smoke)

44:10 - So watch out for the Day when the sky produces a visible smoke.
44:11 - Enveloping mankind; this is a painful punishment.

Good to know.

44:43 - The Tree of Bitterness.
44:44 - The food of the sinner.
44:45 - Like molten lead; boiling inside the bellies.
44:46 - Like the boiling of seething water.
44:47 - Seize him and drag him into the midst of Hell!
44:48 - Then pour over his head the suffering of the Inferno!
44:49 - Taste! You who were powerful and noble.
44:50 - This is what you used to doubt.

Hell sounds pretty bad.

44:51 - As for the righteous, they will be in a secure place.
44:52 - Amidst gardens and springs.
44:53 - Dressed in silk and brocade, facing one another.
44:54 - So it is, and We will wed them to lovely companions.
44:55 - They will call therein for every kind of fruit, in peace and security.
44:56 - Therein they will not taste death, beyond the first death; and He will protect them from the torment of Hell.
44:57 - A favor from your Lord. That is the supreme salvation.
44:58 - We made it easy in your language, so that they may remember.
44:59 - So wait and watch. They too are waiting and watching.

That sounds much nicer, to be fair.

45. al-Jathiyah (Kneeling)

45:13 - And He placed at your service whatever is in the heavens and whatever is on earth—all is from Him. In that are signs for a people who think.

I find that interesting. "Signs for a people who think" when religion in general is very much based on faith and decidedly avoiding all rational thought, I thought.

45:24 - And they say, "There is nothing but this our present life; we die and we live, and nothing destroys us except time." But they have no knowledge of that; they are only guessing.

This pretty much sums up my entire spiritual opinion. We are all only guessing.

47. Muhammad (Muhammad)

I was super excited about this chapter, like, "Finally! Let's hear the story of Muhammad!" but as per usually, his presence was sadly minimal.

47:4 - When you encounter those who disbelieve, strike at their necks. Then, when you have routed them, bind them firmly. Then, either release them by grace, or by ransom, until war lays down its burdens. Had God willed, He could have defeated them Himself, but He thus tests some of you by means of others. As for those who are killed in the way of God, He will not let their deeds go to waste.

Another very scary bit.

47:15 - The likeness of the Garden promised to the righteous: in it are rivers of pure water, and rivers of milk forever fresh, and rivers of wine delightful to the drinkers, and rivers of strained honey. And therein they will have of every fruit, and forgiveness from their Lord. Like one abiding in the Fire forever, and are given to drink boiling water, that cuts-up their bowels?

Rivers of milk! Rivers of honey! Rivers of wine! But wait, why don't Islamic people drink again? Also: check out Hell, that boiling water is going to cut up our assholes! :(

47:20 - Those who believe say, "If only a chapter is sent down." Yet when a decisive chapter is sent down, and fighting is mentioned in it, you see those in whose hearts is sickness looking at you with the look of someone fainting at death. So woe to them!

Also quite weird. We should want to fight? Is that what that's saying?

47:35 - So do not waver and call for peace while you have the upper hand. God is with you, and He will not waste your efforts.
47:36 - The life of this world is nothing but play and pastime. But if you have faith and lead a righteous life, He will grant you your rewards, and He will not ask you for your possessions.
47:37 - Were He to ask you for it, and press you, you would become tightfisted, and He would expose your unwillingness.
47:38 - Here you are, being called to spend in the cause of God. Among you are those who withhold; but whoever withholds is withholding against his own soul. God is the Rich, while you are the needy. And if you turn away, He will replace you with another people, and they will not be like you.

Each line here is very interesting. Don't call for peace? I agree with life being play and pastime. God doesn't ask for our material possessions because he knows there is no way we'd give it to him? Also, that last line is awesome.

48. al-Fath (Victory)

48:29 - Muhammad is the Messenger of God. Those with him are stern against the disbelievers, yet compassionate amongst themselves. You see them kneeling, prostrating, seeking blessings from God and approval. Their marks are on their faces from the effects of prostration. Such is their description in the Torah, and their description in the Gospel: like a plant that sprouts, becomes strong, grows thick, and rests on its stem, impressing the farmers. Through them He enrages the disbelievers. God has promised those among them who believe and do good deeds forgiveness and a great reward.

A pretty important summary of a lot of what Islam is about.

49. al-Hujurat (The Chambers)

49:2 - O you who believe! Do not raise your voices above the voice of the Prophet, and do not speak loudly to him, as you speak loudly to one another, lest your works be in vain without you realizing.
49:3 - Those who lower their voices before God's Messenger—those are they whose hearts God has tested for piety. They will have forgiveness and a great reward.


49:6 - O you who believe! If a troublemaker brings you any news, investigate, lest you harm people out of ignorance, and you become regretful for what you have done.

Massively important advice. Do your research!

49:9 - If two groups of believers fight each other, reconcile between them. But if one group aggresses against the other, fight the aggressing group until it complies with God's command. Once it has complied, reconcile between them with justice, and be equitable. God loves the equitable.

Not too comfortable with this advice, I'm more of a "stay out of it" type of guy myself.

49:11 - O you who believe! No people shall ridicule other people, for they may be better than they. Nor shall any women ridicule other women, for they may be better than they. Nor shall you slander one another, nor shall you insult one another with names. Evil is the return to wickedness after having attained faith. Whoever does not repent—these are the wrongdoers.
49:12 - O you who believe! Avoid most suspicion—some suspicion is sinful. And do not spy on one another, nor backbite one another. Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? You would detest it. So remain mindful of God. God is Most Relenting, Most Merciful.

All very decent advice which everyone could benefit from.

50. Qaf (Qaf)

50:6 - Have they not observed the sky above them, how We constructed it, and decorated it, and it has no cracks?

I didn't realise cracks were even a potential problem.

50:16 - We created the human being, and We know what his soul whispers to him. We are nearer to him than his jugular vein.

That is beautiful. I'm surprised people don't say this all the time.

50:38 - We created the heavens and the earth and what is between them in six days, and no fatigue touched Us.

Show off.

51. adh-Dhariyat (The Spreaders)

51:43 - And in Thamood. They were told, "Enjoy yourselves for a while."
51:44 - But they defied the command of their Lord, so the lightning struck them as they looked on.
51:45 - They could not rise up, nor could they find help.

Probably misinterpreting, but damn. Enjoy yourself or die!

51:56 - I did not create the jinn and the humans except to worship Me.

This is kind of what bothers me about all religions. How sad?

52. at-Tur (The Mount)

52:9 - On the Day when the heaven sways in agitation.
52:10 - And the mountains go into motion.


52:21 - Those who believed, and their offspring followed them in faith—We will unite them with their offspring, and We will not deprive them of any of their works. Every person is hostage to what he has earned.

"Every person is hostage to what he has earned" is a great line.

53. an-Najm (The Star)

53:27 - Those who do not believe in the Hereafter give the angels the names of females.
53:28 - They have no knowledge of that. They only follow assumptions, and assumptions are no substitute for the truth.

Really nailing the point that angels are not necessarily females. Also agreed with the assumptions thing.

53:52 - And the people of Noah before that; for they were most unjust and most oppressive.
53:53 - And He toppled the ruined cities.
53:54 - And covered them with whatever covered them.

"And covered them with whatever covered them" bit of a cop-out line, lol.

53:57 - The inevitable is imminent.

Obvious quote is obvious.

54. al-Qamar (The Moon)

54:6 - So turn away from them. On the Day when the Caller calls to something terrible.
54:7 - Their eyes humiliated, they will emerge from the graves, as if they were swarming locusts.
54:8 - Scrambling towards the Caller, the disbelievers will say, "This is a difficult Day."

Difficult day indeed!

54:19 - We unleashed upon them a screaming wind, on a day of unrelenting misery.
54:20 - Plucking the people away, as though they were trunks of uprooted palm-trees.


55. ar-Rahman (The Compassionate)

55:37 - When the sky splits apart, and becomes rose, like paint.

Another thing to look out for.

55:56 - In them are maidens restraining their glances, untouched before by any man or jinn.

Pretty sure this is about those virgins in heaven for you bit again.

56. al-Waqi'ah (The Inevitable)

56:25 - Therein they will hear no nonsense, and no accusations.
56:26 - But only the greeting: "Peace, peace.".

A decent defence towards Islam being a peaceful religion.

56:35 - We have created them of special creation.
56:36 - And made them virgins.
56:37 - Tender and un-aging.

Some people attribute this to the whole "virgins in heaven" theory, but in context, it actually sounded more like you'd get your own virginity back, but what do I know?

56:58 - Have you seen what you ejaculate?
56:59 - Is it you who create it, or are We the Creator?

Damn, I never really thought about it. Things are going to be a bit different now.

57. al-Hadid` (Iron)

57:20 - Know that the worldly life is only play, and distraction, and glitter, and boasting among you, and rivalry in wealth and children. It is like a rainfall that produces plants, and delights the disbelievers. But then it withers, and you see it yellowing, and then it becomes debris. While in the Hereafter there is severe agony, and forgiveness from God, and acceptance. The life of this world is nothing but enjoyment of vanity.

I adore this.

57:26 - We sent Noah and Abraham, and established in their line Prophethood and the Scripture. Some of them are guided, but many of them are sinners.
57:27 - Then We sent in their wake Our messengers, and followed up with Jesus son of Mary, and We gave him the Gospel, and instilled in the hearts of those who followed him compassion and mercy. But as for the monasticism which they invented—We did not ordain it for them—only to seek God's approval. But they did not observe it with its due observance. So We gave those of them who believed their reward, but many of them are sinful.

I just find it fascinating how it agrees with the previous religions.

58. al-Mujadilah (The Argument)

58:3 - Those who estrange their wives by equating them with their mothers, then go back on what they said, must set free a slave before they may touch one another. To this you are exhorted, and God is well aware of what you do.
58:4 - But whoever cannot find the means must fast for two consecutive months before they may touch one another. And if he is unable, then the feeding of sixty needy people. This, in order that you affirm your faith in God and His Messenger. These are the ordinances of God. The unbelievers will have a painful punishment.

Honestly, one of the biggest parts which proved to me that the Quran is trying to make the world a better place.

59. al-Hashr (The Mobilization)

59:2 - It is He who evicted those who disbelieved among the People of the Book from their homes at the first mobilization. You did not think they would leave, and they thought their fortresses would protect them from God. But God came at them from where they never expected, and threw terror into their hearts. They wrecked their homes with their own hands, and by the hands of the believers. Therefore, take a lesson, O you who have insight.

That's an awesome move.

63. al-Munafiqun (The Hypocrites)

63:4 - When you see them, their appearance impresses you. And when they speak, you listen to what they say. They are like propped-up timber. They think every shout is aimed at them. They are the enemy, so beware of them. God condemns them; how deluded they are!

So descriptive, I know exactly what they mean.

64. at-Taghabun (Gathering)

64:14 - O you who believe! Among your wives and your children are enemies to you, so beware of them. But if you pardon, and overlook, and forgive—God is Forgiver and Merciful.

Does not help my paranoia one bit.

65. at-Talaq (Divorce)

65:1 - O Prophet! If any of you divorce women, divorce them during their period of purity, and calculate their term. And be pious before God, your Lord. And do not evict them from their homes, nor shall they leave, unless they have committed a proven adultery. These are the limits of God—whoever oversteps God's limits has wronged his own soul. You never know; God may afterwards bring about a new situation.
65:2 - Once they have reached their term, either retain them honorably, or separate from them honorably. And call to witness two just people from among you, and give upright testimony for God. By that is exhorted whoever believes in God and the Last Day. And whoever fears God—He will make a way out for him.

Women's rights! Nice.

65:14 - As for those of your women who have reached menopause, if you have any doubts, their term shall be three months—and also for those who have not menstruated. As for those who are pregnant, their term shall be until they have delivered. Whoever fears God—He will make things easy for him.

Once again a hint towards marrying underage girls. At least the preggers ladies get some extra leeway.

66. at-Tahrim (Prohibition)

66:5 - Perhaps, if he divorces you, his Lord will give him in exchange wives better than you: submissive, believing, obedient, penitent, devout, fasting—previously married, or virgins.

Way to rub it in, God.

67. al-Mulk (Sovereignty)

67:3 - He who created seven heavens in layers. You see no discrepancy in the creation of the Compassionate. Look again. Can you see any cracks?
67:4 - Then look again, and again, and your sight will return to you dazzled and exhausted.
67:5 - We have adorned the lower heaven with lanterns, and made them missiles against the devils; and We have prepared for them the punishment of the Blaze.

Look! Look again! I love that, it's like a magic trick. Also, God has missiles ready for the devils, so that's kinda cool, I guess.

67:16 - Are you confident that the One in heaven will not cause the earth to collapse beneath you as it spins?


68. al-Qalam (The Pen)

68:8 - So do not obey the deniers.
68:9 - They would like you to compromise, so they would compromise.
68:10 - And do not obey any vile swearer.
68:11 - Backbiter, spreader of slander.
68:12 - Preventer of good, transgressor, sinner.
68:13 - Rude and fake besides.
68:14 - Just because he has money and children.

Almost sounds like a rap.

68:51 - Those who disbelieve almost stab you with their glances when they hear the message, and say, "He is crazy!"


69. al-Haqqah (The Reality)

69:6 - And as for Aad; they were annihilated by a furious, roaring wind.
69:7 - He unleashed it upon them for seven nights and eight days, in succession. You could see the people tossed around, as though they were stumps of hollow palm-trees.


69:44 - Had he falsely attributed some statements to Us.
69:45 - We would have seized him by the right arm.
69:46 - Then slashed his lifeline.

Pretty hectic, I like it.

70. al-Ma'arij (Ways of Ascent)

70:42 - So leave them to blunder and play, until they meet their Day which they are promised.
70:43 - The Day when they will emerge from the tombs in a rush, as though they were hurrying towards a target.
70:44 - Their eyes cast down; overwhelmed by humiliation. This is the Day which they were promised.

Well written again.

71. Nuh (Noah)

71:16 - And He set the moon in their midst for light, and He made the sun a lamp.

That's one helluva lamp, bro.

72. al-Jinn (The Jinn)

72:10 - We do not know whether ill is intended for those on earth, or if their Lord intends goodness for them.

A little more security would be nice.

72:15 - But as for the compromisers—they will be firewood for Hell.'"

Firewood for Hell, I like that, I think.

73. al-Muzzammil (The Enwrapped)

73:1 - O you Enwrapped one.
73:2 - Stay up the night, except a little.
73:3 - For half of it, or reduce it a little.
73:4 - Or add to it; and chant the Quran rhythmically.
73:5 - We are about to give you a heavy message.
73:6 - The vigil of night is more effective, and better suited for recitation.
73:7 - In the daytime, you have lengthy work to do.

This makes some sense.

73:17 - So how will you, if you persist in unbelief, save yourself from a Day which will turn the children gray-haired?

That's a weird threat.

76. al-Insan (Man)

76:9 - "We only feed you for the sake of God. We want from you neither compensation, nor gratitude.
76:10 - We dread from our Lord a frowning grim Day."
76:11 - So God will protect them from the ills of that Day, and will grant them radiance and joy.
76:12 - And will reward them for their patience with a Garden and silk.
76:13 - Reclining therein on the thrones; experiencing therein neither sun, nor frost.
76:14 - Its shade hovering over them, and its fruit brought low within reach.
76:15 - Passing around them are vessels of silver, and cups of crystal.
76:16 - Crystal of silver—they measured them exactly.
76:17 - They will be served therein with a cup whose flavor is Zanjabeel.
76:18 - A spring therein named Salsabeel.
76:19 - Passing among them are eternalized youths. If you see them, you would think them sprinkled pearls.
76:20 - Wherever you look, you see bliss, and a vast kingdom.
76:21 - Upon them are garments of green silk, and satin. And they will be adorned with bracelets of silver. And their Lord will offer them a pure drink.
76:22 - "This is a reward for you. Your efforts are well appreciated."

Another long insight into paradise. I bet some people use 76:19 as evidence towards that whole "Virgins in Heaven" theory.

77. al-Mursalat (The Unleashed)

77:1 - By those unleashed in succession.
77:2 - Storming turbulently.
77:3 - Scattering far and wide.
77:4 - Separating decisively.
77:5 - Delivering a message.
77:6 - Excusing or warning.

I like the way this flows.

77:20 - Did We not create you from an insignificant fluid?
77:21 - Then lodged it in a secure place?
77:22 - For a known term?
77:23 - We measured precisely. We are the best to measure.

An interesting and simplistic way to summarise the impregnation/childbirth process.

77:28 - Woe on that Day to the deniers.
77:29 - "Proceed to what you used to deny."
77:30 - "Proceed to a shadow of three different masses."
77:31 - Offering no shade, and unavailing against the flames.
77:32 - It shoots sparks as castles.
77:33 - As if they were yellow camels.

Shadows with different masses? Shooting sparks? As castles? As yellow camels? Don't understand a word, but I like it.

79. an-Nazi'at (The Snatchers)

79:1 - By those who snatch violently.
79:2 - And those who remove gently.
79:3 - And those who glide smoothly.
79:4 - And those who race swiftly.
79:5 - And those who regulate events.
79:6 - On the Day when the Quake quakes.
79:7 - And is followed by the Successor.
79:8 - Hearts on that Day will be pounding.

Just sounds nice, well written.

80. 'Abasa (He Frowned)

80:1 - He frowned and turned away.
80:2 - When the blind man approached him.
80:3 - But how do you know? Perhaps he was seeking to purify himself.
80:4 - Or be reminded, and the message would benefit him.
80:5 - But as for him who was indifferent.
80:6 - You gave him your attention.
80:7 - Though you are not liable if he does not purify himself.
80:8 - But as for him who came to you seeking.
80:9 - In awe.
80:10 - To him you were inattentive.
80:11 - Do not. This is a Lesson.

Goes on for a bit afterwards, but you get the idea: don't turn away from those in need. It's a good lesson.

81. at-Takwir (The Rolling)

Like much of what has been said before, this chapter describes the end of times again, but it's a short one and pretty easy to follow, so I recommend you check it out in full if you're interested. Also worth mentioning that it kind of continues into 82. al-Infitar (The Shattering).

83. al-Mutaffifin (The Defrauders)

83:7 - Not at all. The record of the wicked is in Sijjeen.
83:8 - But how can you know what Sijjeen is?
83:3 - A numerical book.

Sijjeen is a record of bad deeds, apparently.

83:18 - No indeed; the record of the righteous is in Elliyyeen.
83:19 - But how can you know what Elliyyoon is?
83:20 - A numerical book.

Conversely, Elliyyeen is a record of good deeds.

83:22 - Indeed, the righteous will be amid bliss.
83:23 - On thrones, looking on.
83:24 - You will recognize on their faces the radiance of bliss.
83:25 - They will be given to drink a sealed wine.
83:26 - Whose seal is musk—this is what competitors should compete for.

Once again, wine is a desirable drink?

88. al-Ghashiyah (The Overwhelming)

88:1 - Has there come to you the news of the overwhelming?
88:2 - Faces on that Day will be shamed.
88:3 - Laboring and exhausted.
88:4 - Roasting in a scorching Fire.
88:5 - Given to drink from a flaming spring.
88:6 - They will have no food except thorns.
88:2 - That neither nourishes, nor satisfies hunger.

That is what I imagine eating thorns to be like. Pretty bleak.

91. ash-Shams (The Sun)

91:13 - The messenger of God said to them, "This is the she-camel of God, so let her drink."
91:14 - But they called him a liar, and hamstrung her. So their Lord crushed them for their sin, and leveled it.
91:15 - And He does not fear its sequel.

I still don't fully understand the she-camel event, mentioned plenty throughout. Regardless, not fearing the sequel is a pretty confident statement.

99. az-Zalzalah (The Quake)

99:7 - Whoever has done an atom's weight of good will see it.
99:8 - And whoever has done an atom's weight of evil will see it.

Worth repeating, I dig how pedantic God is.

101. al-Qari'ah (The Shocker)

101:1 - The Shocker.
101:2 - What is the Shocker?
101:3 - What will explain to you what the Shocker is?
101:4 - The Day when the people will be like scattered moths.
101:5 - And the mountains will be like tufted wool.
101:6 - As for he whose scales are heavy.
101:7 - He will be in a pleasant life.
101:8 - But as for he whose scales are light.
101:9 - His home is the Abyss.
101:10 - Do you know what it is?
101:11 - A Raging Fire.

Unfortunately, these days "The Shocker" is the name for a sex act. But it's a good chapter.

105. al-Fil (The Elephant)

105:1 - Have you not considered how your Lord dealt with the People of the Elephant?
105:2 - Did He not make their plan go wrong?
105:3 - He sent against them swarms of birds.
105:4 - Throwing at them rocks of baked clay.
105:5 - Leaving them like chewed-up leaves.

Is this a stab at Hinduism? Regardless, also a nice little chapter.

108. al-Kawthar (Plenty)

108:3 - He who hates you is the loser.


114. an-Nas (Mankind)

114:1 - Say, "I seek refuge in the Lord of mankind.
114:2 - The King of mankind.
114:3 - The God of mankind.
114:4 - From the evil of the sneaky whisperer.
114:5 - Who whispers into the hearts of people.
114:6 - From among jinn and among people."

Nothing amazingly special, but these are the final words of the Quran.

As-salāmu ʿalaykum :)