Thursday 23 September 2010

Jared Woods' Top 10 Formspring Questions

Formspring: Jared Woods Is Thinking
Formspring is rad. For those of you who don't know what this is, relax, I will tell you. Formspring is a website where anonymous people (like you) can ask the big-mouth user (like me) any dodgy question you like. And because I have spent years and years of my life partaking in fake interviews in front of the mirror, this is the perfect site for me to pretend I am already famous. However, over the last while, it's gone a bit insane. I have received quite a ton of varied questions almost daily, and have only recently got it to a manageable amount. I can only imagine that these people have no idea who I am, because nobody in their right mind should trust me with anything.

Anyways, if you think you can take me on (and I dare you), ask me any question you fucking want here:

This blog came around because I recently got asked pretty much the best question ever, which was ironically:

Out of aaaalllll questions yet, what is your favourite?

I figured this had to be the ultimate question, so I took my time reading over each of the 250+ formspring posts on my page trying to find the very best one. While doing so, I realised something very important about myself: I can talk a lot of shit.

Of course, picking just one question wouldn't be my style. My style is far too complex and arrogant for that. So I narrowed it down to my top 10, and after all that effort, I decided this had to be a blog entry rather than just a lost formspring question that 5 people would read.

Here they are, and thanks soooo much to all the people who ask me these things! It means a lot, I am truly grateful for all of you, I can't explain how much joy you guys bring in my life.

10. Do religious/Christian family members or friends ever show concern for your non-religiousness/agnosticism? How do you justify your beliefs to them? I know you believe in God; I mean the rest (or lack thereof). And I'm not preaching here - I'm the devil


I felt this one was particularly important because, as the question suggests, I love to run my mouth off about religion in what can be confused as a blasphemous way. Now I had an excuse to explain exactly why I was doing this, and what my views on organized religion are in general.
I think this question should be an automatic disclaimer that comes attached to my head. Everyone should read it before listening to a word I say, because religion can be a touchy subject, and I don't want to touch anyone.

Formspring: Was Mary A Virgin?
09. If Mary was married to Joseph why was she a virgin? Did she cheat on him and then blame someone that no one could see?


This one follows the last one nicely. Ok, it could be viewed as a little bit offensive, but in a loving way. I got quite a few comments about it, two readers claiming it was my best yet.
Worth a lol at least.

08. Hey Jared, One of my English buddies hooked me up with your site and I think you're sooo funny! And kinda cute! I live in Missoula, Montana. How far are you willing to travel for the best night of your life..? ;0


It's always great to have some anonymous internet person wanting to fuck me. It's flattering and is also the only source of sexual advances I receive.
But beyond this, I think this has got to be the best piss-take answer I have ever done. The reactions were fantastic, many people talking to me about it even weeks afterwards. And thanks to TheFilmo, who tweeted about it, I earned a lot more followers for it.
The only thing I didn't understand about this questions was the "kinda cute" remark. Kinda cute? I'm cute as fuck baby, damn.

07. What's the secret of happiness, according to you?


What people don't realise is that while I was answering this one, I was really down. I can't remember why, but I was not in the right place to be answering such questions. It's actually against my rules now, I only answer questions in a good frame of mind, because the ones laced with sadness stick out too loud for me.
However, for once, my slight pessimism gave an interesting twist on my usual "everything is going to be ok" style answer, and I think I hit it more direct that way. One of my friends claimed that this was my best answer ever.
Personally, my favourite thing about this one is that I didn't ramble as much as I normally might have.

06. Can you give a short contextual analysis between your favorite Shakespeare play and the movie Sister Act?


Without a doubt the hardest question I've ever had to answer. It's author, one Faure whom I know from real lifes, loves to fuck with me on the internet almost daily. I think he wanks over it or something, I don't know.
Regardless, just by reading this question you can see the difficulty he shoved into my face. I had to do so much research about shit I didn't give a fuck about, but I was determined and took it very seriously. I was happy with the outcome.
Faure then graded it, gave me a B or something and said "Good effort". My mom would've been alright with that.

Formspring: A Song About Rusks05. I would like you to sing me a song about rusks.


Normally questions test my opinions, my ability to research or my life experiences. This one is the only worthy example I can think of that challenged my creativity. And "Rusks" isn't a very common word to rhyme with.
Matthew (The myets guy) has asked me a few questions, some of which pissed me off, some of which were really good. But this one was total class, especially because "Rusks" is somewhat of an in-joke between a few people and myself.
Nobody seemed to care much about this one, but I was stoked. I would loooove more questions like this if you guys can think of any.

04. 1 year ago,the most amazing girl i met in my life broke up with me, stil i cant go for more than 2 hours without being tortured by a thought of her.its else apeals 2me.i feel doomed,i havnt even had sex in a year!im going pls


This is one of those great examples where I posted something that I thought I might get into trouble for, but I didn't care because I felt so strongly in what I was saying. The public response was great, mostly from girls (which was surprising), one even going so far as to say that it was my best answer.
Shampies though, I totally sympathise with this dude, really the worst place to be in ever. Hope he's alright now.

03. I'm aware that you are very fond of your father, but you never seem to talk about your mother. Why is this?


My dad is my hero, but I don't often get a chance to talk about how much he means to me. Suddenly I had this platform and I let rip the best I could with all the reasons why I felt my dad deserves all the credit in the world.
The reaction was epic, I have never received that many comments on any of my formspring posts ever, which it was very touching for me. I FUCKING LOVE YOU DADDY. Don't ever tell him I swore.

02. When will you realize that unfettered tweeting, facebooking, forumspring-agathy-aunt and just general pseudo-communication with idiots is arrogant, pointless and only feeds your denial of a very apparent identity complex.


This was an exercise in self control. I can't tell you how hard I nearly lost it. But I managed to keep my cool, take my time, and rip this person a new one smartly.
My response was greeted with great accolade, and that person never bothered me again. My favourite thing is that no matter how funny/stupid you think my answer is, you don't entirely get it. This is because there are a few in-jokes sneakily planted around for a select few, keeping myself entertained above anybody else.

Formspring: Why Are The Balls On The Outside
01. Why do sperm have to be kept 4-5 degrees lower than body temperature? And how bad would it really be if they were internal organs? Yes I know the main answer would be "just because" or "that's how God made us" but I want a Jared-style "what if" response.


I have said this theory my whole life. I believe in this theory.
The funny thing is that I didn't get much response for this one at all. But for some reason I think it's my favourite. It's the perfect balance between sex and religion, and while you may think it's a little offensive, you cannot disagree with a word in it.
I will admit, I paused a bit out of fear before posting it, but I think it's the one that makes me laugh the most. Nervously.

These ones nearly made the top 10, didn't, but are still worth mentioning:

if you were naked, would you grind your body against mine?


I was bored of the usual questions like this, so I invented a test which evaluated the reader's chances of fucking me. It was a complete joke, but quite a few people started messaging me, telling me their scores. My favourite was some fat guy who said he passed and probably wanted to fuck me. I would do it too.

Dude, here's one for #100: what's the meaning of life?


When it came time for my 100th question, I begged for someone to send something good to celebrate my milestone. I received quite a few, all of which got answered, but nothing could compare to this question really.
In general, I think my answer said it's point and did so without dissing anybody's beliefs. One of my religious friends claimed it was my best answer, and it meant a lot that he understood what I was saying.
The ONLY reason this didn't make the Top 10 is because of the last paragraph. I have no idea how that got in there, and has spoilt the post for me.


Dear J. Please can you clarify the difference between a FAIL, EPIC FAIL and WIN. And can you provide an example of each from your weird yet wonderfully disturbed world? A.N.Other Fan


I took it too seriously. At my work suddenly the words FAIL, EPIC-FAIL and WIN became very important words. We would debate the definition of these terms here, so it was a very serious question to me.
Totally fucked it up, it doesn't have a second of humour in it, it's way too long, and I am so sorry for that.


Give Jared's life meaning today.

Friday 17 September 2010

I Like Lemons

Lemon Party AidsAlright, I know, I know, where the fuck have I been? I am sincerely sorry about my absence lately, things have been a little more intense than I could have expected. And far be it from me to spare you the details of my personal life, I love attention, so here you go:

I met this girl, and it was like crack. I spent every free second I could sending her emails or having drinks with her. For those of you who know me in real life know that when I fall, I FALL. And before I knew it, I was blurting out a bunch of overemotional shit to this poor chick, who naturally, wasn’t quite prepared for the insanity that is me. And fair enough on her part really.

So she was like “errrr” and I was “ummm” and that was that. I totally realised a lot throughout this short process. Relationships and thoughts of one are no good for me. My new plan is much like the old one, and goes like this: stay single until the end of 2011, work my ass off, become really rich and famous , and then fuck every single one of you.

Anyways, I’m back, and I’m gonna attack this shit with my middle fingers blazing now.

Despite all of this, there is stuff to say on the projects:

This is now officially what The Gravystroke is called. If you followed me on Twitter, you would know this. Nevertheless, the project came to a complete stand-still recently as Kris and Ash were in Croatia and Loose was gallivanting around meeting people like Johnny Rotten and such. That said, work on the website has continued and it is looking good. Our next video NITROUS OF THE LIVING DEAD is breathing on the finish line. With a little bit of luck, this will be done in 2 weeks? Further more, there is footage for another film already shot and plans for so many more.

The third and final song for the EP is probably halfway done musically. I am semi-happy with it, which isn’t really where I want to be. The concept is firming up though, still aiming for an end of year release. This is unlikely. But in the end, I can see where it’s going clearer and clearer, and I like.

This site makes me sad now. I dunno, I like the homepage, but the blog just feels loose and badly designed. The font sizes even change per article, which I guess is my fault for rushing out a blogger page without really knowing what I was doing. There is also NO SEO whatsoever, which is stupid. So hopefully I will slowly be picking it apart in the up and coming days, which does mean it might look a bit funny at times, please bear with me sweetheart.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog, so Im happy you can now read 10 (more) People You Have To Follow On Twitter. It should be taken very seriously. I know it seems like I have been slacking, but for some reason there was a lot of inner turmoil this blogging round. I originally wrote half of a blog celebrating my one year on Last.Fm, reflecting on the music I had been listening to and how I felt about it. It sucked. So I scrapped it and began a blog on my life and it’s experiences with the Law of Attraction, which I roughly finished but didn’t feel like I wanted to launch it just yet. This does mean it will probably come out very soon. I moved onto this one because it was simple and fun and quick and at least useful, maybe. But I even know what the next few will be.

I am about 3 chapters into my autobiography. To be honest, I shouldn’t be working on anything else, I know this is the best thing I’ve got going for me right now. Still going to take a while though, but I have an epic feeling that this is the one. This is the project that will win.

And just remember, if you think I’m dead, check my Twitter. Or ask me on Formspring.

Will call you soon honey-pie.

Thursday 9 September 2010

10 (more) People You Have To Follow On Twitter

A while ago I wrote a list of my 10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter (or Tweeple, as they call themselves, which is so terrible I actually want to rub my eyes in shit) and it was lame. The reason is that I was new to Twitter back then, and after some careful evaluation, I realised many of my favourite people were actually very unfunny and less famous than me.

In time, I have got more and more use out of Twitter. I have stopped following stupid celebrities who say nothing of any value. I have stopped following shameless self promoters and internet “gurus” who repeated themselves as if their SEO message is so fucking important. Unfortunately, I do still follow teenagers who talk about how their day went purely because I feel too bad to delete them. Teen life is hard enough as it is, it's a moral thing. But besides that, my feed is relatively streamlined and with this knowledge, I am proud to announce I can waste more of your time with more of this crap.

If you are new to the social disaster scene, I have now equipped you with enough info to have a grand time indeed - you fucking owe me. And if you are an old-school Twitterer, I hope you find some gems in here you didn’t know about. Ha, who am I kidding, I fucking hate you all.

Oh, and of course, I am not so tasteless as to put myself in the list. But I am definitely the best person in the world to follow ever because I will tell you things about things you have never thought of and then you will kill yourself.

The list:

Twitter Bob Dylan Is The Best Lyricist
10. Bob Dylan Says
Quotes From The Master

I put this one at the bottom of the list purely because if you don’t like Bob Dylan, then you won’t like this. Then you won’t like me. Then you won’t like burning in hell for having less musical understanding than a piece of wood with a cock drawn on it. You’re an idiot babe.
But if you love Bob like I do, you will know that he is the greatest lyricist pretty much ever. And you will want to be reminded of this hourly. And that's how this works: every hour on the hour, a bot tweets a line from a Dylan song. It does this until it completes a song and then randomly picks another one. It’s a great way to show respect to the man's genius and recall the classics your daddy listened to. Did I tell you I saw him live? Yeah, I did.

Recent Tweets:
Then they'll kill him with self-confidence
To her, death is quite romantic
A perfect image of a priest

Twitter Cat Bin Lady Is An Ass
09. Cat Bin Lady
Internet Celebrity

Recently-ish a video surfaced of a very messed up lady who threw a cat in the bin, which you can see here. Now no matter how weird you are (and I know you are), one can't help feel a little disturbed by this. And to me the most disturbing thing of it all is that it has sky-rocketed this crazy lady to infamy based on 10 seconds of her life. Is that how easy it is? Fuck, I would've done this a long time ago.
This Twitter account is not actually the real Cat Bin Lady, who I believe has been put into protection because PETA and bestiality enthusiasts are trying to kill her. However, this fake account is a fantastic stream into what I think her mind would be like: fucked. It hardly ever fails, and she only follows Kanye West, so her street cred is impeccable.

Recent Tweets:
Just passed a shoe shop. Threw one of the sample shoes outside on top of a bus. Why do I do these things?
Just kicked the head off next door's gnome. For a joke. Who's laughing now though? Not me. Not me.
Whatever I put in Brenda's pocket has set off the store alarm in W.H.Smiths. Bit busy, so I've asked the men to tell her I'll see her later.

Twitter Funny One Liners
08. Funny One Liners
Short Quotes

I’ll be honest, this profile is 70% cheese. But I read them all because (1) I have nothing better to do; and (2) Now and again, I laugh out loud.
It’s just as the name says, no gimmicks, no lies. Nothing but funny one-liners which are generally wholesome enough for the entire family to gather around and read to eachother. They also follow people back and actually READ what people are saying, retweeting the good ones. And every night before I go to bed, I pray that one day they will retweet something I say. Although, I might completely ruin the whole “wholesome” thing I mentioned earlier.

Recent Tweets:
A cheap shot can still get you drunk.
I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
"I drive like lightening." "You drive fast?" "No. I hit trees."

Twitter Paul Keely Owns The Internet
07. Paul Keely
The Final Boss Of The Internet

The Man The Legend. This is a special one because I actually know this guy in real life, and it’s criminal how few people follow him. I heard a rumour once that he invented the internet or something. I also know for a fact he kills small animals for fun, but they just can't catch him. Regardless, his stream reflects this in everyway possible.
There is nothing but the fucking funniest images you are ever likely to see in your life. Occasionally they have descriptions, more often they don’t, but you are never quite sure what you are getting into until it’s too late. It could be a cute kitten in a box. It could be a tranny with a bottle up her ass. You just never know. Either way, let Paul filter the net for you, follow him if you want to destroy your life.

Recent Tweets:

Twitter We Fail Fail
06. We Fail
Bitter Web-Designer

Martin Wefail is part of the We Fail team. They make really fucking A-Grade websites for products like Eminem to Mail Order Chickens. Boring right? Totally. Luckily he has a lot to say, and generally does it in the "I hate everything, especially everyone" kind of style. And this is something we can all relate to.
Just quickly, his partner is Jordan Wefail, who is also worthy of a follow. He often is waaay too overshadowed by Martin, and his Tweets seem to get funnier and funnier over time. Like old age. Or decomposition.
Admittedly, it’s probably funniest for people who know a bit about the internet. And that includes me, because I know fucking everything, ask anyone.

Recent Tweets:
There's nothing I hate in life more than life itself.....well, apart from iTunes that is.
Remember kids, try to please all of your clients, all of the time. They are always right.
I have bought a dangerous dog to make up for the shortcomings of my really tiny penis.

Twitter Street View Funny Is Funny
05. Street View Funny
The Inevitable Result Of Google Street View

Street View is pretty much in the top 3 most impressive things Google has ever done, behind maybe Gmail and, well, Google. And as we all know, life is pretty funny in itself. So when a giant car is driving round every street in certain areas and taking 360 shots of it’s surroundings, we are bound to find some things. That’s where this page comes in.
These guys scour the "streets" for anything out of the ordinary and then put it out for the world to see. THE ONLY FUCKING SHIT THING is that every link they post doesn’t immediately work for me, which is ridiculous, and puts them much further down the list. But if you just go to the homepage of each time they post, you can relax and feel your anger slipping away. It’s a great idea that I didn't think of, and they put a bit of effort into it, so there you go guys - number 5. Congrats, I'm sure you care a lot.

Recent Tweets:
Baby left alone on a British pavement - c/o Google Street View - Who would leave their baby out like this?
Google Maps Street View Captures An African Man Urinating -
Hilarious - The Top Ten Kisses Captured by Google Street View

Twitter Gary Busey Funny Face
04. Gary J Busey
Actor. A Fake One.

Gary Busey is a famous actor and director, known for his quirkiness, heavy drug addiction and some crazy sex stories. This is not Gary Busey.
But this is THE fake Gary J Busey, and it is pretty much the perfect adaptation that you would want him to be. Or how you would want anyone to be, maybe. I mean, this guy gets Retweeted out of his ass, almost as much as people like Lily Allen or Britney Spears - who get 100+ Retweets just by saying "Good Morning". Gary on the other hand, talks about sex in the most beautifully vulgar way non-stop, which makes me feel naughty and happy inside. It's balls out funny, make no mistake.

Recent Tweets:
#Howtoruinsex Wake up in the middle of it.
I want to hit midgets with ukuleles.
Does it still make me a bedwetter if the bed isn't mine and I'm awake?

Twitter Bypass Facebook Fan Pages Because They Are The Devil
03. Bypass Fan Pages
Fight Facebook Terrorism

This page is a life saver to me, especially cos I intravenously shoot up Facebook for breakfast. Ok, so you know those ANNOYING pages that require you to Like something just to see the content? That is what I call "Facebook Terrorism". Do not fall for it. Do not trust it. Be smarter than that. They are all spammy scams to get permissions from you and con you to invite all of your friends. They will give you one little picture and then sneak into your house at night and rape you. True story.
Allow this Twitter feed to get raped for you. Hell, it even allows you to comment directly on the content, which is nice of them to set up. It also tells you which ones are surveys or not, so you no longer have to sell your opinion for a split second Lol. Even better: you end up seeing many of the pages you normally wouldn’t notice because your friends are hopefully smart enough not to click the dirty things. It’s useful, doesn’t waste time, and I click it everytime I see it. Did I sell it enough for you there?

Recent Tweets:
OMG! Look What this American Teacher did to this Student for goofing off
Cheerleaders so Hot They Had to Be Banned

Twitter OMGFacts Know Their Shit Basically
02. OMGFacts
Tweets For The Brain

These guys are actually fairly new but have climbed the social ladder with such fury based purely on the amazing content they churn out daily. It's got to the point that if you don't follow them, you know nothing about anything. The concept is exactly what the concept says: daily facts that make you go OMG. They are also presented in such great neat ways, with links to pictures, sources, and a bunch of other details. It’s fun for the whole family and educational, so even your hot daughter can have a good time with it.
These guys also do GivesMeHope (which I lurve) and other super rad internet thingies. They are young people too and deserve all the attention anybody can possibly give them for their brilliant efforts. Hell, you even get specialised streams of OMGFactsSex and OMGcelebfacts, and really - what else do you need in life besides more information you can banter about at the pub? That's what I thought.

Recent Tweets:
Your hair is all DEAD! Details -->
Pigs are considered to be SMARTER than 3-year-old human children! What can pigs do? -->
Lightning strikes the earth approximately 8,640,00 times per day. That makes for 100 lightning strikes PER SECOND!

Twitter Best Worst Advice Is The Best
01. BestWorstAdvice
Bad Advice

And here it is: my unchallenged favourite Twitter account forever and ever (for right now).
As like any good entry in this list, the name says it all. It’s advice for your day to day life. Really good advice that would never ever work and probably send you directly to jail, lose all your friends, and leave you addicted to drugs with an STD.
I laugh at least once a day at these guys, which is more than Facebook and YouTube on a bad day. I have no idea who is sitting on the other side of the web pulling this shit out of their ass, but I would buy them a beer.
Unfortunately, nothing I say here would do it any justice, I feel unfunny just by talking about them. Follow already unless you are easily offended, in which case, you really shouldn't be on my blog in the first place.

Recent Tweets:
What would Jesus do? Get stoned then hammered.
Concerned about global warming? Lower the A/C temperature.
Men: Want maintain an erection longer? Tape popsicle sticks to the sides of your penis.