Wednesday 30 May 2012

Scrapes On Your Knees

Juice Nothing Got Scraped On Their Knees

This is going to be one of those “I don’t have time for you right now” updates, because it’s true. I don’t have time for you right now. Mainly because you don’t have time for me. I get the statistics. I know how many people actually read these news items. Although contradictorily that doesn’t include you, because you are actually reading this. I guess "thanks" is what I'm trying to say? Whatever. The truth is that the only reason I don’t have anything clever or funny to go in this space is because all of my funny and clever is being used elsewhere, which will eventually reach you anyway. Christ, what the hell am I on about? This is the news:

As promised, I am making up for lost time and managed to release 2 fairly substantial articles in the month of May. The first was How To Fuck Girls And Not Cheat On Your Girlfriend which does exactly what it says on the box. It is the answer to all your problems as well as the answer to last years similarly titled How To Fuck Boys And Not Be Gay. People seemed to dig it, because it’s EDUCATIONAL. I wrote most of it on the tube during the frantic Coming Down Happy release months, so it was good to get it out there and still have a girlfriend by the end of it.

The second article was released TODAY, and goes by the name of Undeniable Proof That The Law Of Attraction Works! Funny enough, I started writing this blog around mid-2010, but I was in a very unsettling mental space at the time and it didn’t feel right to launch something so happy-clappy whilst wallowing in self-pity. As a result, I put it on the back burner, but I did mentioned it ages ago in this super old news piece here. However, it was always on my mind, so recently I pulled out those pages and began rewriting it with added experiences and a more up-to-date reflection of my life. It turned out long and maybe it isn’t the most easy to digest, but it's still a solid piece of work I reckon, and a great injection of positive reminders into my life. If nothing else, admit the pictures are cool.

My plan is to release 2 articles next month too, as they are both pretty much done-ish. And then, believe it or not, there is a good chance July will see 2 articles as well, one of which may or may not be the guide to those The Top 50 Albums Of 2011, Reinterpreted As Short Stories I wrote, which still needs some sort of explaining. The point is, I just can’t seem to stop writing, and am having a blast doing so - why would I slow down? This kind of frantic creativity may not last, I must use it while I can.

After all this, I simple HAVE to launch my next short story. I am just under half way, and it is by far the coolest most researched fictional thing I have ever done. Amped.

On this side, I simply have no idea. I don’t even know what to say. It’s out of my court right now, as is the nature of collectives. From what I understand there are 3 videos basically done, so I guess we can all just try very hard to be patient? I’m trying very hard to be patient is what I am really saying.

As there is no point of repeating myself twice, you can find a bunch of Coming Down Happy news over here. I write about the beginnings of the sequel EP and then I moan about how depressed the whole project has made me in hindsight. The funny thing is that just after I wrote that, I went home and began busting out some of the raddest sounds I feel I have ever put together. So take it all with a pinch of salt, I feel much better now.

That is all,

Undeniable Proof That The Law Of Attraction Works!

Undeniable Proof That The Law Of Attraction Works
Ah yes, The Law Of Attraction. My story starts like most people’s, as I was introduced to the theory by one popular documentary by the name of The Secret. I will never forget that evening, it’s where everything in my brain changed. I am only half ashamed to admit I cried three times whilst watching it. The words just made so much sense to me, and more than anything, it held up a mirror to my current whiny miserable mental state of mind, reflecting back to me what I had been doing wrong for way too fucking long.

I know a few people who felt the same way: all of a sudden totally amped to pave their own existence and choose their own adventure. But one by one, I watched as none of them practiced what they preached or didn’t get the results they wanted, and then swore the whole thing off without allowing the magic to happen. Only a handful of people I know personally still subscribe to these ideals. For me particularly though, I was hooked, and read countless books by Wallace D. Wattles, Napoleon Hill, Bob Proctor and (especially) Abraham Hicks (to name a few); as well as going to seminars by John Demartini and Mike Dooley; and watching countless other movies and YouTube videos (especially Abraham Hicks, once again, she/he is my favourite). On top of this, I have also seen The Secret about 7 times, and while it is my least favourite of all the LOA materials available, it is a great gateway drug - I would always recommend you start there.

So what is Law Of Attraction, for those of you who don’t know? Well, it basically states this: whatever you think about the most will manifest into reality. By focusing on something (whether it be a good thing or a bad thing), more of it will come to result in your life. Once aware of the theory, the idea is to try and keep your thoughts on what you want as positive as possible. Which in more simple terms is as follows: be a little more optimistic and believe your dreams can come true, and they will. Because, if you think about it, who wouldn’t benefit from such a simple change of perception? Follow your bliss, yo!

Janthopoyism: Your New Religion

Look, I’m not trying to start a debate over the metaphysical aspect of this, or that people have been praying and casting spells to much the same effect for centuries. I am merely trying to explain that it’s like anything: if the thought feels good, it’s probably because it is good for you. If the thought feels bad, it’s probably because it is bad for you. That kind of makes sense, right?

Here’s a concept that works: have you ever learned a new word, and then suddenly you hear that word everywhere? Believe me, that word was always there, but seeing as our brains are bombarded with millions of images and sounds every day, we have a defense mechanism set up which only allows the stuff in that we have created a pathway for. It’s like when you are walking down a busy street, and a girl goes “OH MY GOD, SHOE SALE!” which she spotted from a ridiculous distance away. You would never have noticed that because that is not what you have focused your thoughts on, but this is all the girl can see. And then you might hear a football match coming from the pub and say “hold on honey, I just want to check the score” while the girl didn’t hear anything at all. It’s about becoming your own mind-gatekeeper, ensurng you choose what is worthy of your attention.

There are lots of little tips and tricks I have learned to make things work faster which I hope to touch on in great detail within these paragraphs, but keep in my mind that these are just my experiences and at the end of the day, you go ahead and live your life however you see fit. What do I care if you get cancer and die in a hospital bed all alone? I am totally in this for myself. But in this way, I am leading by example. Do not read this as me boasting on all the amazing and weird things I have manifested with minimal effort, but rather pick one of the following which you feel is something you would like more in your existence and then pay careful attention as to how I did it.

It’s fun! It has to be fun! Look at how much fun I am having! So much fucking fun!! Just look!!! Look!! Over here!!

Undeniable Proof That The Law Of Attraction Works: Material Possessions
10. Material Possessions
Generally people figure the main point of LOA is just to manifest material stuff. And why not really? Material stuff rules, and I have definitely done my fair share of this before.

There is a slight problem with this entry which I need add as a disclaimer first: when it comes to LOA, you get in-line mentally with the things you want and then they come to you in the most simplest of ways. Very often this happens in the form of a friend suddenly handing you something you asked the Universal Energy for without said person even knowing anything about it. However, sometimes these people don’t believe in the Law Of Attraction, and for that reason it seems ungrateful to just say “oh yes, you gave that to me because The Universe” and then walk away with your new presents. I’d hate to sound like I am devaluing their kindness, and for that reason I must say with all honesty that while I believe these things were a result of my purposeful manifestations, I am still eternally grateful for the parties involved who were selfless enough to hand me the things they no longer needed. Thanks guys! You are awesome, LOA or coincidence. And still, above all else, I believe that I have attracted some of the greatest individuals into my life in the first place, so it’s all related.

The main way to attract material things (or anything really) is to write a list IN PRESENT TENSE on what it is you want, giving thanks for this stuff as if you already have it. You should do this right now, to be honest. And then just by chilling and not over-thinking it, you allow The Universe to do what it does best, and those things will come to you within a few months (or so) without you paying a cent.

Using this method (and I can’t stress this enough, I seriously had these examples written down before they appeared in my hands without me even telling anyone) I managed to manifest: A hair straightener, 2 pairs of shoes, a backpack, 2 jackets, smart shirts, ties, a box full of socks, multiple pairs of jeans, and many other similar items. The majority of this happened at the end of 2008, and (as someone who had arrived to London with nothing but one suitcase of pretty much nothing) to gain these material objects within a few short months without looking for them or planning to buy them... was a godsend. As I said, I owe most of these things to nice people, in particular one friend who deserves maximum respect and recognition: SHOT MARK.

It was a total thrill for me to get these things at such a fast rate, that I started to do it for fun. It was like playing a game where I would pick something random and see how quickly it would come. I decided I wanted to see a red ball, which I ended up seeing within a few hours. I decided I wanted to see a balloon, and a few days later one was floating miles above my head. I realised these were far too simple, so I would start to focus on more complex things. For example: I wanted to hold a R2 coin, which in London isn’t a very common occurrence. I think that one took a month, where a friend asked me to change his coins into notes when I went to the bank, and in the middle of all these 2p’s and 5p’s, was a shiny R2 coin. I lol’d so hard. I then remembered my Dad used to have a shirt with a little crocodile logo on the chest. I wondered what that was, so I decided I wanted to manifest the answer - it had to just appear to me without any effort on my part. And appear it did! I was walking down the road and there was a little piece of paper on the ground. I pass paper on the ground all the time (as do you) but for some reason I was in sync to pick this specific piece of paper up, turned it over, and there it was. The crocodile was staring back at me, with the words LACOSTE underneath it. Ah yes, Lacoste, that was it, thanks Universe! I still have that piece of paper as a reminder.

I eventually stopped doing this shit, because after that I tried to manifest a guy named Nigel. And it just... never happened. Weird that. One day I will meet a Nigel and then I’ll say “I have been waiting for you” and it will probably freak him out. Still, if you are new to LOA, I think this section will be most helpful to you. Start with small simple things, write them down, and then let it be. And you will become addicted to that trippy feeling when that shit just appears out of godfuck nowhere.

Undeniable Proof That The Law Of Attraction Works: Creative Tools
09. Creative Tools
This one kind of relates to the last entry, but I figured it was interesting enough to grant it its very own space.

You might know this already, but computers are my life. Literally, I don’t even exist, the majority of me is binary, and my home is Social Networking sites. Sometimes I have to check my facebook just to remember my opinions on things or who it is I really am. This is not some joke, I am slowly fading into virtual.

So when I moved to London, I was a bit lost without my own PC. I was forced to hide in internet cafes or in my friend’s bedrooms just to get a taste of the web, and sometimes I would even read books and pretend they were wikipedia pages, editing the text with a pen. It was that bad. But I kept my eye on the ball, knowing I needed computers or I would die, and evidently The Universal Energy knew that too.

Noticing my discomfort, my friend (who was actually the same friend who gave me the majority of stuff from the previous entry, I think the angels must have sent him) offered to give me an unused laptop from his work as long as I ate one of his anal hairs. I eagerly agreed. Luckily, he didn’t hold me to that, but he did come through and brought home the shittiest slowest tiniest laptop in history. But do you think I was bummed? Fuck no, now I could stream porn and empty my overloading brain onto word documents again. It was good and it was free, and I was a happy lad again.

I then met another guy, and told him about the lol piece of shit laptop I was using. He was interested, as his Mommy needed a PC herself just to write emails really. He was going to give her his old big chunky (and far superior) desktop computer, which was a little bit advanced for what she needed it for. So he made a deal that if I gave her my shitty laptop, he would give me his Desktop and that would be better for everyone. Which was, uhm, AWESOME.

You do the math. I had been in London for about 6 months and had already come into possession of 2 computers without spending any money whatsoever. I kept my mind clean of negativity, asked The Universe for it, and then got it. Simples. Plus, this new machine was capable of running Photoshop and Flash and FTP clients and etc, and so without it there would have been no As Seen On Facebook, no Art-Pulpitations, no Help Jared Woods Meet Lily Allen, and no original Juice Nothing. None of it.

On a side note, I would also like to mention that in my time in London I have managed to manifest around 6 computer monitors. Which is excessive and crazy.

Eventually I bought my own laptop (which is a story in itself, and will be mentioned later), but even if you disagree with LOA - this was pretty “lucky” wouldn’t you say? Wow, I’m such a lucky boy!

Undeniable Proof That The Law Of Attraction Works: Travel
08. Travel
To me the key of Law Of Attraction is to become aware of those ideas that sound risky and scary, yet completely doable and right. Those are the true paths you need to follow. Fuck comfort zones if you want to grow - you need to recognize those thoughts that you lose your breath to, half out of fear and half out of excitement. Because those are the thoughts that fucking mean something.

That was what happened to me when I asked myself the question “should I to move to London?” It was like my brain said “lol, not a fuck” but some little creature inside of my stomach was screaming “FUCKING YES JARED, I’M SICK OF HERE, LET’S GO NOW!” So I called up my Dad and he agreed that this was a good plan. Then I went for a drive and witnessed a homeless man beating a homeless lady with a bottle, and this was all the confirmation I needed. I started organizing.

Now, this would be extremely simple if I had a UK passport, but I don’t, and fuck you if you do - you have no idea. Even worse is that literally just after I made the decision, it was announced that the law was scheduled to change, rendering is next to impossible for Saffas to get Work Visas. Basically, I was on borrowed time big time.

It was here that we realised due to the fact that my dead grandpa (who I didn’t really know, but am eternally grateful for now, thanks Gramps!) was born in the UK, making me legible for an Ancestral Visa. Sounds great, but the forms required were something stupid, I think the list was on the lines of:

My Grandpa’s Birth Certificate
My Grandpa’s Marriage Certificate
My Grandpa's Death Certificate
My Mom’s Birth Certificate
My Dad’s Birth Certificate
My Parent’s Marriage Certificate
My Birth Certificate
My Parent’s Divorce Certificate
My Mom’s New Marriage Certificate
A Clearance From The Cops Proving I Had No Previous Criminal Record
My Education Certificate
Proof Of Employment (we lied about this)
Proof Of Place To Live (we lied about this too)
Return Ticket
£1000 In The Bank
A South African Passport
etc etc.

These things are not easy. But I seriously stuck to LOA positivity (which was tough, let me assure you) continously reminding myself that this HAD to happen because that voice had told me so. I even quit my job right there and then without much of this prepared, because I couldn’t allow any doubt to enter my head. No half measures, no fail safes - this WAS happening.

Now, I’ll admit, I did have an advantage. My Dad was a politician at the time, which means we had access to a Home Affairs Office which the general public didn’t. So a lot of these documents (while still hard to come by) did happen a lot faster. Which, goddamn, I am grateful for. But I still think the following stands as a testament to what I achieved:

The fastest I’ve ever known someone to make the decision to go to London (with or without a Visa) and then get there, is three months. I did it in one. I won’t lie, it was stressful, but I can’t express enough the role that Law Of Attraction played here. I worked harder on keeping my mind clean above even getting the documents, and things were falling into my hands with seconds to spare.

Now I’m here. And was that little voice right? Fuck yes, that voice was right! I am more stoked about my life than I ever was, cured of the crap that was once in my life as a result of living a stagnant existence. I fucking own this bitch, is what I am saying.

Undeniable Proof That The Law Of Attraction Works: The Special People
07. The Special People
One thing I love more than anything is FAMOUS STUFF. That’s why I love London so much: everything has some song written about it, or some movie shot in it, or some famous person born around the area. But even better is how many celebrities are just hanging around arb places that you might be in at the same time.

That is to say, I have met my fair share of awesome people, and have already written two blogs about these interactions namely My Brief Brushes With Greatness and the far superior My Brief Brushes With Greatness Part II. Even cooler is that I have had many more of these run-ins, and Part III is actually partially written as I type this. There are too many LOA stories involved with all of these incidents (some of which I will still touch on in this blog), and I’d hate to ruin the next Greatness article by giving too much away, but there is one special incident I figured was cool enough to put into this piece because it is oh-so-LOA.

There is this guy called Tyler The Creator, you know of him? I’m sure you do, he is the leader of the hardcore hip-hop crew Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All. He is so hot right now, a somewhat leader of the “hipster” community, and far too successful for a 21 year old rapper. Anyways, he has a formspring account where he answers fan questions quite regularly, and (being an avid formspring user myself) I decided I WOULD make contact with this dude. I asked him question after question, some smarty-pants, some OFWGKTA educated, and some deliberately insulting in order to get his attention. But still... nothing. However, I was determined, so much so that in my little Google Doc named “Greatness 3” where I record all of my recent celebrity-incidents, I wrote his name down as an official entry even though I hadn’t made any contact. Imagine my embarrassment if he never answered my question! I’d have to delete his name out of this document! It would be the first time that’s ever happened. I would simply die (even though I would be the only one who’d know).

And here’s the thing: he never answered any of my questions. Never. Man, I tried so hard, but there was never any response to my existence. So when I went to watch an Odd Future show a month or so later, I held a bit of a grudge, I’ll admit. How dare Tyler The Creator ignore me, doesn’t he know who I am?? No, he doesn’t. But the show was so good that I was quickly distracted, especially by the huge amount of pushing and pulling from the decidedly gangster crowd. I suppose I’ll make contact another time.

And then (despite having a broken ankle), Tyler suddenly jumped into the crowd, right next to me. He was right there! So I grabbed his arm, and he kept rapping. And his legs were smacking me in the face and I was helping hold him up so that he could keep spitting his illness into the mic. For a full minute or something, I was making physical contact with Tyler The Creator, holding him above my head and grabbing onto to his wrist. And while this is probably creepy in your eyes, I base my life on this shit.

In summary: I made a decision to make contact with him; I wrote it down like it already happened; and even though it wasn’t exactly the path I expected it to go down, it landed on my lap (or head) without any effort on my part. This is LOA down to definition: don’t try work out how it’s going to happen, just wait in faith that it will. Epicwin. More on this later.

Undeniable Proof That The Law Of Attraction Works: Little Things
06. The Little Things
Ignore the title, these are actually pretty big things. But in context of how they were manifested, it does make a bit more sense.

Very often (especially once you become aware of LOA) you will ask for something, forget about it, and then it will come to you. And only once you are deep within the experience, do you even remember that you had asked for it in the first place. It’s kind of like when you think of someone that hasn’t crossed your mind in years, and then you bump into them a few days later, or they give you a call. The teachers of LOA actually say that this is the best way to attract the things you want, because the more you think of something, the more chance you can give off mixed signals. But by giving something only a small thought a couple of times, the order is placed and nothing gets confused.

This is one of those. I nearly even forgot to include it.

In early 2009 (as part of a series of exercises in the book Ask & It Is Given by Abraham Hicks (THE BIBLE)), I would write down what I wanted everyday under the following categories: Health; Relationships; Career; and Home. As far as Home went, the greatest thing I could possibly imagine was that of “A Creative Household”; one where all the housemates worked enthusiastically on their own projects (much like I have aways been doing), and even better, collaborating on other ideas. For months I’d send out that request every single morning on the tube. But after a while I became bored of this (which will always happen), stopped doing it, and left those pages to rot under my bed, totally forgetting about them. Offering less resistance, as it turns out.

Only fairly recently (whilst researching for this piece actually), I went through my old boxes and found these lists I used to write. I nearly shat myself laughing. Because (at the time I rediscovered them), I was living with 4 of the coolest most creative/productive people I have ever met: Ash; Kris; Loose; and The Freewheelin’ Troubadour. We all had our own shit going, but when combined with one Mr Khalifa, we are The Mighty Funpowder Plot.

We make movies and such. No one has any set positions, we all get behind the camera and we all get in front of it. My other friends formed bands, we formed a film group. Sometimes there is even too much creativity here, as we share a Google Document filled with ideas that could keep us busy for years. Plus all the busy activity inspires us further to work harder on our own stuff, which is just a total win/win.

Basically: I used to tell people that “when I win the Lotto, I will buy a house where all my best friends can move in and we will work together on many beautiful arty things”. And I didn’t even realise I had that in the palm of my hands, without any money needed. Although I’m still going to win the lotto.

Unfortunately I no longer live with these guys, but I did for 3 years, and so the point is: I asked for it. I got it. The project was born, and it continues strong to this day.

On a lesser scale (but still worth mentioning) is another time I did exactly the same thing. During one of my writing sessions, I decided I wanted a tattoo. But due to the obvious large expenditure required to get this done, I also decided not to pay any money. I wrote this down on one of my lists as a passing thought and then let it go. It took maybe a year or so, until I noticed my favourite artist in the whole wide world (Scab) had recently ventured into the world of inking and was looking for canvases. I gladly offered my body for the cause, and we got to work. In the end, I happily did part with some cash (maybe £200 or so) but if you look at the piece, you will recognize that I should have paid a fuckload more. Are you starting to understand what I am talking about yet??

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Undeniable Proof That The Law Of Attraction Works: Money
05. Money
This one is actually MASSIVE because it was done LOA text-book styles.

At some point during 2009, I decided I needed to go back and visit South African from London for my birthday - mostly because a girl had confessed her love for me and I wanted to discuss the interesting prospect in person. Oh, Jared. But the thing was, I had no idea how to afford such extravagance. This is because my employer at the time was not doing so well, and I hadn’t been paid my full salary for months - it was always late or just didn’t happen at all. That is to say, I was broke and hardly affording food or rent.

But instead I told everyone I was definitely going to make the trip and not to worry. Oh how they doubted me - which is my favourite thing. It’s inspirational. With this in mind, I put all of my LOA training into practice by doing the following: I would start by getting very high every night and then would proceed to watch this one particular YouTube video over and over with my face pressed up against the screen. I wish I could post the link to this clip, but it has since been removed, which sucks. However, it basically consisted of these trippy psychedelic spirals accompanied by hypnotic vocals summarizing the book The Science of Getting Rich (which is just about the blueprint for all LOA, a very quick read and available freely on the internet - totally worth getting right now!).

Sometimes my housemates would come into my room and be all like “WTF are you doing, dude??” It must’ve looked very strange. There I was with bloodshot eyes, dribbling on myself, hunched over with my nose pressed against the screen whilst assorted colours spat out into the darkness and audio looped about energy and abundance. I think one even accused me of witchcraft, which I guess isn’t very far off. But I explained “this is going to make money appear, you will see.” And they were like “how?” and I was like “that’s not my problem.”

After a month had passed (and I literally had no cash and no idea of where the next meal was coming from), my mom called me up to tell me a bunch of tax had been paid back to me from my old SA job. I can’t express this enough: I had no idea it was coming. I don’t even know how tax works, but it fell from the sky and into my bank account. And it was substantial! Not only enough to purchase the plane ticket to South Africa, but also enough to buy as much Subway as I could stomach! My friends were so pissed off, it was hilarious.

Jokes on me though, as that girl broke my heart into little shards of emo the moment I landed in the country. But that’s a different story...

Undeniable Proof That The Law Of Attraction Works: Employment
04. Employment
When I landed in London (the same date the recession started I may add, 08/08/08, look it up) I struggled to find a job. But I eventually managed to secure one working as the sole graphic designer for a debt clearance company, surrounded by lawyers and other such foreign paperwork. In hindsight, I have no idea how I coped with such boredom, but I remained positive (as I do) finding solace in the little things. One of these little things which I loved to do was, in the morning on my way to work, I’d walk into our local off-licence, buy a Mars Bar and read the Bizarre magazine on the shelf. In South Africa this magazine was hard to come-by, so I enjoyed raping my mind with images of tits and gory injuries. I have been reading that magazine since before I was even legally allowed to do so, and it is still my favourite publication to this day.

Life went on, and near the beginning of 2010, my employment had kind of fucked out and I was made redundant. I hated working there, so I saw it as a weird blessing and kept positive, but it did leave me in a very vulnerable position. I was miles away from any family and had no support system whatsoever. However, I just kept telling myself and everyone it was ok, fighting the feeling of despair despite having no idea where rent was coming from. A lot of people thought I was about to give up, but I was adamant and stuck to my LOA education.

I did this the usual way: by writing down exactly what I wanted out of a job, in present tense. But what people get wrong about LOA is that you do want to meet it halfway - do not just sit on your ass and wait for the world to come to you. You want to open up as many potential paths as you can to ensure the Universe lines you up in the smoothest way possible. I did this by applying to 100 jobs a week, sometimes less, sometimes more. Another thing I did on the side to keep my spirits positive was to continue my work on Help Jared Woods Meet Lily Allen, to which people thought I was insane. “Shouldn’t you be working on your CV rather than trying to meet a celebrity, Jared?” They didn’t understand that sitting in my room stressing about my unemployment would be counterproductive. I did my time, dedicated a few hours every day to job searching, going to every interview offered and taking countless of pointless calls from recruitment agencies. But I also needed that distraction to smile about, saving me from a swamp of potential negativity and disheartenment. There is a big LOA lesson in there.

Anyways, near the end of my joblessness, I was getting interviews out of my ass, and was becoming really good at them too. Until suddenly: everything exploded. My old job finally paid my redundancy money, so not only could I finally catch up on rent, but I even bought the nice laptop I still use today, which the new Juice Nothing, The Funpowder Plot, and Coming Down Happy were built with. And then I landed a meeting at a company called Dennis Publishing. I knew right away that this was the place I wanted to work, and luckily they wanted me to work there too. I got the job, and I am still here. I actually love coming in to work every morning, to the point that I always arrive an hour earlier just to have some time to myself at my desk - who else does that? The people I work with are genuine friends, the workload is still stimulating to this day, and it is a brand I believe in.

Oh, did I mentioned that one of the many awesome magazines we publish is Bizarre Magazine? Yeah, I get those for free now. You know when you open up to the front page and read all the editor/contributor names on the side? I know most of those people personally, some of them very well. That’s pretty trippy if you ask me.

Undeniable Proof That The Law Of Attraction Works: Health
03. Health
This is a big one.

Around 2007 or so (whilst still living in South Africa), I developed severe Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. My hands would freeze into position, aching and sending sharp pains from my fingers to the back of my neck. I couldn’t click a mouse or hold a pen, which is something you really miss when you earn money that way.

It gets even more hardcore. The Doctors were baffled! You see, my specific type of the syndrome was unrecorded in history for any type of reasons that would apply to me - usually a result of playing tennis, which obviously is something I didn’t do. It was defined by the ligaments in the hand tightening so viciously that you couldn’t even make a fist, which isn’t a computer thing. And before anyone makes a “wanking too much” joke - believe me, that crossed my mind. But apparently it’s unrelated, I could actually still manage a wank quite painlessly during all of this.

So yeah, the Doctors were ultraconfused and started a case study on me, which was cool because it meant I didn’t have to pay for constant check-ups PLUS I am in a book somewhere. Rad. Still, I had to wear this silly ugly cast with a huge piece of steel keeping my wrist from moving. Even worse, I had gigs booked with my then band No Better Ego Trip - all of which I still played because The Show Must Go On. Except the pain was so bad that my plectrum would keep falling out of my retarded hands - not very rockstar. I had prescribed stress-balls, specific daily exercises to run through and other weird things to do involving warm water and outdoor activities. And still nothing was working! If anything, it was getting worse, all while these medical people observed me and wrote shit down in their over-sized notebooks.

Then one night I went to a seminar held by The Secret’s own Mike Dooley, who said lots of cool (but generic) shit, except for one thing which really got to me. It was something like “If you are fat and you constantly buy low-fat foods, you are reminding yourself of your weight problem. Same goes for poor people: always purchasing the cheapest products in the shop reminds you of a lack of money. Once in a while, you should splurge!” I related this to my hands, and suddenly realised what I was doing wrong. All of these casts and exercises and warm-ups and check-ups were a constant reaffirmation of my condition, so right then and there I ripped my cast off and never did a single thing the Doctors told me to from that point on.

What I did do (and as weird as this sounds) was just tell my hands how much I loved them. Every time the pain flared up (as it did often) I wouldn’t give it the satisfaction of registering it. Instead I’d replace that thought with one of gratitude... because these are my fucking hands! It’s very easy to feel blessed about your hands when you think of all the things they have allowed you to do. Another thing I did (which I think was the most powerful) was when someone asked me “how are your hands, Jared?” I’d reply “Great! 100% healed!” even though that wasn’t the case - they hurt so fucking bad.

But funny enough, they started to get better and better. And pretty soon (a few weeks), I was using them as I used to with minimal discomfort. So when my next check-up came around, the medical peeps were blown away to see my improvement. They even said “this is a miracle!” (which it might have been), followed by “you’ve been doing your exercises haven’t you?” I didn’t have the heart to tell them the truth: that some New Age Thought Movement had fixed me, so I just said “Yes, I have”. I don’t think the medical journals would have liked the real conclusion.

I am now fully recovered, thanks for asking.

Undeniable Proof That The Law Of Attraction Works: Love
02. Love
Ok, I am not 100% proud of the first part of this entry, but it’s still a prime example of the powers of LOA.

So I really liked this one girl. The reasons were superficial as fuck - she was incredibly hot. I could show you photos that would blow your mind. And as I do, I was very open about my feelings towards her, but she was very coy with the whole thing in that special way only hot girls can afford to be. We would hang out and we would share many laughs, but it just never fucking happened. Eventually I grew frustrated and decided to LOA it, and wrote a quick list (in present tense, of course) about what I was looking for in a girl. In exceedingly fast fashion (maybe a week?) a different girl from High School broke up with her boyfriend. And like The Devil’s Vulture On Heat, I swooped in to pick on her messy heartbreak.

When I put it that way, it sounds terrible, but in all truth she was a perfect match to the list I had written. To. The. T. I read it as a gift from “God” and was grateful for it, not really questioning and just going with the flow. I mean, it was a bit of a disaster due to the mental space she was in, but I still stand that of all my girlfriends she was one of coolest and best matched for me (at the time).

So I asked for a girl, and I got a girl. Simples, right? Not entirely, because the real kicker came when this relationship made the original superhot girl mad-jealous, realising she wanted me after all because now I was unavailable. You know how hot girls are. Always must get what they want when they can’t get it.

Ok cool, now I have 2 girls and I have to make a decision. So after some heavy thought, I felt I had to go for the hot one, because I had invested so much time (and fucking money) into trying to get her for a year, and maybe she was the gift from “God” in the first place. Maybe this was how his plan was supposed to go.

So I broke up with the one and got with the other. Like a dick, sure, but an amped dick. However (and as one would expect), the hot girl didn’t quite turn out to be who I thought she was, and we broke up after a month. Fuck, I messed that one up, didn’t I? Funny enough, somehow I didn’t, because only a few days after this break up, the other girl wanted to get back with me again. This was probably just to show the world she could do it or something, but I was cool with it. Of course, my facebook relationship status looked like I was a complete man-whore, but man-whores are praised in modern day society. And as far as LOA goes, I got what I asked for INXS and then some. Nobody should ever be able to get away with such nonsense.

Eventually we broke up too (even though I ended up chasing her to London), leaving me heartbroken and probably deserving of it. But damn, we had some good sex, and that’s what really matters at the end of the day.

That was a good example, but the truth is I have sooo many of these. It actually blows me away that anyone is ever single without wanting to be - it’s just so easy to get someone if you want someone! I could sit here and list every single success story I have had using these practices, but I think the only one that really matter is this:

It starts off much the same, except on steroids. Sick of wanking and sleeping alone, I started to write a list of what I wanted in a girl in present tense. “I love my girlfriend because...” etc. I wrote on this list every day until I had over 100 factors I wanted in a lady-friend. If this sounds like too much - just wait, I didn’t stop there. Instead I organized these entries in categories, like “appearance; culture; social; sex etc”. Once I had all of these neatly grouped, I drew a detailed cartoon picture of each section, displaying the girl and myself (very important that I was in these pictures, take note of that) in situations based on what I had written about, illustrating the points as accurately as I could.

The whole process took 4 months, and it was fucking FUN - as it should be. Never EVER even attempt ANYTHING I have said if it isn’t fun, because it won’t work. But as with all things, I eventually grew bored of the whole process and stopped doing it to focus on something else.

Now if you’ve been paying attention, there is one thing I can’t express hard enough, and that is that these things need to fall in your lap with minimal effort from your side. Effort itself is counter LOA because it conjures up images of hard-work and pressure, whereas the whole thing should happen naturally and easily. Oh, and naturally and easily it did! In the weirdest of ways...

On the 28th of August 2010 I went to a festival called LED, crowding around the stage before Die Antwoord were set to come on. And who should I bump into? No one else but the first girl of this story. The one I came to London for. The one who had refused to see me since that point for no real reasons that I know of. We said some awkward hello’s and spoke about hair and then quickly turned our backs on each other. In that moment I realised I was truly and completely over her, and I could finally just let that one go. Then I watched Die Antwoord and it was fokken ill.

Literally 5 minutes after the show ended, the most beautiful girl I had ever seen walked up to me and said “Hi! My name is Lizzie.” And I was like “Hello, my name is whatever-you-want-it-to-be, darling.” I decided right then and there I was going to have her. Funny enough, that part of the story was all but effortless. I chased and I chased and I pained and I pleaded, but much like the stories before (and what you would have assumed already), I gots the girl in the end. But unlike the stories before, we are still together after a year and a half. We’ve lived together almost that entire time and we are still in love in the deepest and childlike of ways. Babytalk in the morning kind of crap that would make you sick unless it was happening to you. We fart in front of each other and it is the first relationship I have ever had where I am 100% myself, and yet she still actually likes me somehow. She is everything on every list I have ever written, I recognize this, and am eternally grateful for this amazing event where somehow we were just in the right place at the right time, without mutual friends or any other such easy way for it to happen. It is the epitome of LOA amazingness; the happy ending everyone wants; and I just caught myself doing that gushing thing again. I am sorry. But if you want this - just try it. Trust me, please. What do you have to lose?

Undeniable Proof That The Law Of Attraction Works: Lily Allen
01. Lily Allen
So who isn’t sick of this story yet? Show of hands, anyone? This is the last time, I swear! Regardless, I have never really told the story like this before, and is actually the sole reason I wrote this blog in the first place. Everything else was just a con to get to this point, forgive me.

On the off chance that you don’t know (and in the fastest summary as possible) this is what went down: I made a website to meet Ms. Allen because she is super hot and I couldn’t bear the thought that she didn’t know who I was. My plan of action included generating Twitter buzz by creating a website, cartoon, and a short film which no less than begged people to send it to her. And it worked! She tweeted about it, and it was all very intense and exciting. It’s still something strangers talk to me about to this day.

And then I met her. But this was not because she contacted me to do so or because I followed her every move around London. It was as simple as literally bumping into her in a pub - the same pub I go to around 3 times a week. A 5 minute walk from my work, as it turns out. My local. She knew who I was when we spoke, she called me by name, I got a photo, said goodbye - and that was that. I consider the whole project a fantastic success and I sleep better at night time.

But in one way, it wasn’t a total success in some eyes. This is because (and various people have pointed this out) my original mission was to meet her using nothing but the internet. And in the end, the said meeting was a result of what some call “chance”. It’s a pity that what no one seemed to recognize what was the massive and pure LOA action that took place here, undoubtedly the biggest proof I have ever experiences or heard about since becoming aware of the theory.

You see, as much as London is swarming with popular figures, you don’t meet them out that often - it’s a pretty big place. I shook hands with Pete Doherty once and bumped into Beardyman on the tube, but besides that, in my 3.5 years of London experience, this kind of thing is still a massive rarity. Hell, it’s pretty much unheard of to even bump into people you actually know personally in London without making some sort of an arrangement first. So tell me, how is it possible that I made a website to meet one specific celebrity, focused all of my good thoughts on it, put loads and loads of positivity and thrilling creativity into it... and then I just so happened to bump into her without changing my routine whatsoever. It only took 9 months for that to line up too, which in my opinion is pretty fucking impressive.

It gets even weirder than that somehow. A year or so later, I walked down the stairs of my house and who else but her younger brother Alfie Allen was sitting on one of my couches, visiting my housemate. As if this all wasn’t enough to make an episode of Twilight Zone, I actually had no idea who he was up until 4 days before that moment. This is because I had only just finished watching a marathon of all the Game Of Thrones episodes - I had seen the season 1 finale the day before he was in my living room, I think. So we smoked a spliff (oh dearie me, my little brother’s in his bedroom smoking weed) and spoke about nothing but himself - as celebrities tend to do, I suppose. He was a cool guy though, but that’s not the point. The point is this: I had put so much thought into meeting Lily Allen and kept it positive and happy by using all the creativity I could muster within these cartoons and films and whatnot... that she actually manifested into my local pub. And the strength of LOA was so strong, it continued to ripple and ricochet until her brother manifested into my lounge. That’s insane. I can still hardly believe it.

If this is coincidence, answer me this: Have you ever heard of a coincidence of this magnitude? Have you experienced one? Do you know of anyone who has? Fuck, if you really stay adamant that this was nothing but luck, it’s got to be the biggest “luck” you’ve ever heard of, true? But like, really? Really? Come on, fucking think about it for a second. And while you do that, allow me to wrap this up quickly:

The end! I hope you enjoyed reading about my life as much as I’ve enjoyed living it. But more than anything, if this article didn’t prove to you without a doubt that LOA works, then I apologize for the inaccurate title and I wish you success in justifying all of this in your head somehow. But for those who are convinced (or were already convinced), I think the real reason I wrote this piece will be obvious. Just think about the goodness I have just allowed into my life, and what could manifest from all of these positive reaffirmations. Hell, if I was you, I might even think about writing something similar...

But to everyone, believers or non-believers, all I can say is this: keep watching me. You have no idea what’s next.

Tuesday 15 May 2012

How To Fuck Girls And Not Cheat On Your Girlfriend

Please note: this blog was written particularly with heterosexual males in mind, but I think just by changing a few gender specific words here and there, it could apply to anyone.

How To Fuck Girls And Not Cheat On Your Girlfriend
Around late August 2011, I launched one of my most “praised” blogs ever, which was a guide on How To Fuck Boys And Not Be Gay, totally risking everyone’s views on my sexuality and scaring my homophobic friends across the globe. Due to its success (and also to rectify my masculinity) I figured now would be a good time to write a continuation to that article, except this round keeping it a bit more MANLY - the brother blog, if you will. And this is it.

But before I get to it, there is something I need to address (as if I haven’t spoken about this to death already). I have a girlfriend, and I would never fuck other girls behind her back. I don’t say this because I am avoiding trouble or that these rules don’t apply to me - because they absolutely do. No, the reason why I would never cheat on my partner, is because no other girl is hot enough. Believe me, I spent 25 years searching for a lady who wasn’t so fucking ugly and stupid, and so far only my girlfriend is even remotely in my league. I would have to drastically drop my standards just to fuck someone else, and why would I do that? Why are all other girls so repulsive anyway?

Anyway, enough about me. Let’s discuss you, and how you can do naughty things behind your lover's back 100% GUILT FREE! Because (and let’s be honest) your bitch is already cheating on you right now. Girls know all of this stuff - never forget who the real enemy is, and enjoy your new life.

Rule#1: Three’s Company Too
The movie Road Trip was funny in that mindless-popcorn-16-year-old kinda way, but it did have some interesting information when it came to the rules of cheating. For one, the whole “It's not cheating if you spread peanut butter on your balls and let your dog lick it off - because it’s your dog!” is absolutely true. But besides that example, most of what was said was complete bollocks. That is, except for this one fantastic stand-out piece of wisdom: “Let's say that you were sleeping with two girls at the same time - it wouldn't be cheating because they would cancel each other out.” This is simple Maths. The negative act of cheating (-) multiplied (x) with another negative act of cheating (-) equals (=) a positive (+). Another equation which works is that the blame is shared between 3 people, therefore you are only 1/3rds guilty rather than 1/2, which does not round off to a full-on cheat. You see? Maths saved your relationship once again.
It goes even deeper than Mathematics though, as cheating itself is generally considered an emotional sin against your lover. But with two girls, it is purely a physical act. This is because no man could keep 2 girls emotionally happy. Hell, I’d struggle to keep 2 girls physically happy, and I have a very large penis. Regardless, I predict the whole thing would be guilt free anyways, and something you would be proud of rather than ashamed of. Something you would simply have to tell your friends about. Something your girlfriend would inevitably find out anyway because you couldn’t keep your fat mouth shut. In fact, if you were half a man, you’d go straight home, look your girlfriend in her eyes and say “Honey, I banged two bitches last night!” because that is something only a special kind of guy could pull off. And special guys are keepers.

Rule#2: Achololololol
All too often when people get caught cheating, their response is “Yeah, but I was drunk!” Wait, is that supposed to make me feel better? You drink every day, bitch! So must I now assume that every time you drink, our relationship is at risk just because your judgement is a bit impaired? Fuck that! Getting drunk and messing around with someone else is cheating! Stop your crap.
However, if you were so out of it the night before that you wake up next to someone with no clue of what happened, then it didn’t happen. You need to love yourself a little more and give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Oh, the girl said you slept together? She’s lying. Oh, there’s a semen filled condom floating in the toilet? Not yours, it was always there. You are not like that. You wouldn’t cheat. You are a good person. Get dressed, leave, swear off alcohol, never think of it again.
However, if you find yourself in the cheating position without the alcohol crutch to lean on, just avoid eye contact the whole time you are doing the deed. It works much in the same way. You didn’t see anything, what’s everyone on about?

Rule#3: Salt In The Wound
The very root of all cheating troubles stem from a girl’s insecurities about your actions. Trust or something. But let’s say you slept with a far mid-50 year old woman with 3 fingers missing. Is that cheating? Hell no - that’s a fucking disgusting joke. No one in their right mind would be bothered by this except yourself, which in turn would result in you loving and appreciating your girlfriend even more, trying desperately to erase what you have done. If your girlfriend found out, she would probably just laugh in your fucking face and break up with you because you dropped a league - not anything to do with cheating. This applies to anyone who is in a significantly less standard than your girlie. Ugly is one reason. Mentally handicapped may be another. And what about prostitution? That is surely not cheating because you had to pay just to get laid at the end of the day, and that’s pretty funny. Isn't spending hard earned cash for vagina what your girlfriend is for anyway?
In this vein, I think acts of homosexuality for a heterosexual man are not cheating either. It’s like if your girlfriend fucks another girl, is it really so bad? It’s just people being all weird and experimental and stuff, and everyone knows no cock could replace a vagina for a straight man. Sexuality 101, yo.

Ugly Girls Don't Count
Rule#4: It Takes Two To Tango
A wank is not cheating, but why is that? If you break it down, it becomes fair to conclude that the act of infidelity requires a partner of sorts, who isn’t your girlfriend. It’s like a 50/50 deal, meeting halfway and getting the job done. But what if you don’t exactly meet halfway? Examples of this would include a situation where you do not ejaculate. How could that be cheating? That’s a cock tease right there (and probably serves you right) so no need to feel any guilt buddy. You probably feel bad enough as it is. Conversely, what if only you cum? This works particularly well if there is no kissing or hugging or expressions of affection - just you cumming. The best way to achieve this (which is slightly against the title of this blog, but I’ll allow it) is where there is no fucking at all. Like a hand-job. Or a blow-job. Yeah, a blow-job! FUCKING LOVE BLOW-JOBS! For they are nothing more than an aided wank with swallowed evidence, and a wank is not cheating. This girl just did you a favour - she got nothing out of it, no harm done.
And while we're on the topic, is anal really cheating? It’s just her bum after all, right? I’m not too sure about this one yet though, but I will keep you posted.

Rule#5: Time Travel
Have you ever not done something sexual you really wanted to do, which to this day fills you with so much regret and shame that you wish you could go back in time and do it? Of course you have. I have, like, a thousand of these examples - I’m a very naughty boy. Well, worry no more! Believe it or not, you can time travel to ensure you do everything sexual you ever wanted, and yet still not cheat. For example, say there was the hottest girl in High School who sat a few seats away from you in maths class and she was beautifully tanned and her name was Pascal. She blew bubble gum, played on her phone, and laughed with her friends... all the while you just watched from a distance. You’d follow her home just to get better wank material for alone time. You’d collect hairs from her desk to cast spells on her. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, the girl that was out of your league. You would never get her, because she only dated jocks who would slap your lower jaw off if they ever read your diary or blog.
Ok, get the image? Fast forward to now: you have money, you have an education, you have style, you have a girlfriend. And out of nowhere, this past girl you have imagined fucking a thousand times is suddenly drunk and trying to put her tongue in your ear. Hey man, listen to me - you OWE it to your past self to fuck this vagina. Your teenage version would kill you if you passed it up! This is not cheating, dude - this is taking what you deserved all those years ago! And you can save it into your memory accordingly, filling a gap in your timeline which was always your destiny to full, nothing to do with present time or relationships.
As if your mind wasn’t already exploding from the vast knowledge I am presenting here (for free, I might fucking add) there is yet another way to time travel. This is when you fuck someone that you have already fucked before. Therefore, it is not a new memory, so you can freely place it somewhere else in your history and move on. It’s all about convincing yourself at the end of the day. And if your girlfriend asks “Did you fuck your ex, Barbara?” you can reply with all confidence “I have fucked her before, yes.” And if she asks “And recently?” you can reply with all confidence “not recently, no” because, really, what does recently mean? The last 5 minutes? 30 seconds? And if she asks “When you were out last night and you bumped into Barbera, did you go home and fuck her?” you can reply with all confidence “Baby, I’m not sure who you think I am, but you must understand that me and Barbara have been together before and there is a reason why we are not together now. It was nice to see her, but now I have come home to you and only you. So please can we stop these accusations and just love each other?”
Because nothing you said there was a lie.

Rule#6: Let’s Do The Timewarp Again
This one is so straightforward that it has become a cliché, and once again involves you accepting yourself as the master of time. “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” you ever heard that one? It’s, like, a law. The same has also been said about Amsterdam too. And Thailand. In fact, you can substitute “Vegas” for anywhere you feel comfortable with. It actually goes even deeper than that, for example: “What happens on New Years...” Classic! Or birthdays - obviously it’s not cheating on your birthday! It’s your special day! Cheating on her birthday is definitely cheating though, don’t do that.
I also think it’s fair to say that if you fuck a girl whilst listening to, say, The Black Keys or Rihanna; or watching a Scarlett Johansson film or some porn... well, this wouldn’t be cheating either. How could it be? These are very delicate situations - who in their right mind could control themselves? You girlfriend would do it, is what I’m trying to say. She’d do it with me. Although fucking me is definitely not cheating either in any circumstance, for I am irresistible.

There are a thousand reasons why this wouldn't be cheating
Rule#7: An Honest Mistake
Everybody makes mistakes, that is what makes us monkeys. But I am not one for using that as an excuse if you can’t keep your cock to yourself. “Oh, it was a mistake, forgive me,” fuck off, you totally did that on purpose, we all know it. However, there are some interesting ways around this. For example: a twin sister. Yeahhhhh. If your girlfriend has a twin, then it really isn’t your fault if you get a bit confused, it’s actually the said twins fault. The same goes for a very similar looking sister. Or even a mom. You could blame darkness, or alcohol again for this one. “Baby, I thought it was you!” You’d still be in shit, but you did not cheat. This works particularly well if you actually call the [twin/sister/mom/granny/somewhat-resembling-brunette] your girlfriend’s name in bed. In fact, as a fail safe, every slut you sleep with you should call your girlfriend’s name in bed, because then you were not cheating. How could it be cheating if you were thinking about your girlfriend while fucking someone else? I don’t know. As long as you wash your cock afterwards, there is no issue.
Another addition to your armoury is if you do the deed in front of your girlfriend. Just use the “oops, I missed” excuse. Works like a charm, every time.

Rule#8: If It Wasn’t For Date Rape
It goes without saying that if you get raped, you didn’t cheat. That’s common knowledge, it’s tragic and not funny. But depending on how well you know Satan (and I know him very well), you can use this theory to your advantage. For example: spike your own drink. Any girl who fucks you is taking advantage of a roofied man! That is pretty pointless though, because you wouldn’t remember it. And have you ever tried to get an erection on rohypnol? IMPOSSIBLE, MATE.
Ok, how about this one: while you are getting busy with this girl who isn’t your girlfriend, gently whisper the magic word “no”. OH! THERE YOU GO! You said no. RAPE!! For extra legit points: press charges on the bitch!

Rule#9: Virgins Don’t Count
I’m sorry, they just don’t. Neither do celebrities now that we’re on the topic of “it’s-never-gonna-happen-buddy-but-if-it-does-happen-do-not-let-it-pass-you-by”. Because any decent girlfriend would give you a high-five for this, not a break-up.

Rule#10: The Golden Loophole
And here it is: the easiest way out. If your girlfriend never EVER finds out, it isn’t cheating, because in life you are only cheating if you get caught. Conversely, if she does find out, admit to it right away, because then you are being honest, and cheaters are liars by definition. The whole act of cheating is a trust thing, but by coming clean immediately, you prove you are still trustworthy. In summary: do everything you can to keep her from becoming suspicious, and then if she confronts you, be completely open about it. Using this method, you are sinless no matter what you do. I mean, don’t expect the girl to stay with your dirty-ass, but you can go to sleep at night knowing you did the right thing. Sort of.

There is a word of caution with all of this: use a condom. Vaginas are weird things, but the absolute allure and unique beauty of the moist flaps can confuse our hard-wiring. Make no mistake - vaginas can hurt you! They can swallow your dick forever! They can spit out babies that resemble you and demand money! Yes, maybe you can run from pregnancies, but you can’t run from the creeping syphilis chewing holes into your ballsack. Now try explain THAT to your girlfriend. She won’t dig it bro, and she’ll tell people.

Tune in next week where I’ll tell you how to brutally rape and murder your best-friend’s girlfriend and yet still remain buddies. Until then, take care of yourselves, and each other.

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