Wednesday 26 October 2011

I Got Out Of Jail Free

With Juice Nothing You Will Never Go To Jail
When it comes to doing anything in life whatsoever, I find it is good practice to set yourself goals and deadlines, and then stick to them. This not only ensures that you keep up a constant production of creativity and content, but that you also panic over things which nobody ever reads or pays you for. I think this might only be my experience tho. Take the Juice Nothing blog for example: it is my goal each year to write at least one post a month, 12 per year. The reason for this is that a month is a fair amount of time to research and focus on something substantial, and then rush it in the last week, giving you guys some reading material which has a fuckload of potential without ever reaching it. But at least it’s somewhat regular, right?

Now some (none) of you may have noticed that the last month of September, there was nothing new posted here. I didn’t update, and yet I feel absolutely no guilt for my absence. How is this possible? I’ll tell you how. It’s because I used my Get Out Of Jail Free Card, which I grant myself once a year. There are two reasons why I allow this release for myself, which are: (1) I have to recognize that sometimes I just can’t quite make the space in my life to dedicate enough time to put out something worthwhile, and would rather not stress or release something that I am not comfortable with. And (2) Since last year I decided on the tradition of writing 2 pieces every December, those being my Top 50 Albums Of The Year, and a separate blog looking back at the whole year in general. These two, plus the other 11 months, minus my Get Out Of Jail Free Month, still equals 12 pieces, averaging one a month. September was my Get Out Of Jail Free month.

For those of you who care (none), my reasons were many. First of all, I am leaving the house which served as my beautiful home for the last 2 years, The East Village. While I could shed a tear over the mass debate in my head of whether this is a good idea or bad idea, one thing I can say with surety is that my stay here has become repetitive. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE everyone here, but I felt the same spaces and faces were turning my brain into a stale cracker and my creativity and personal well being was suffering. Plus I was sick of being woken up to parties underneath my paper-thin floor on week nights, these fuckers are rockstars man. Did I mention we were at war with our neighbours? Regardless, this move will not effect the Funpowder Plot in any way (I hope) as Ash left a few weeks ago and Kris is on his way out too. More on The Plot later.

Besides the weight of trying to find a new place (which I managed to do, and by “I”, I mean my Girlfriend, we are moving in together on Halloween, wish us luck), I was also foolish enough to take on some freelance work. The money was good, but this sucked my free time like a dirty blow-job from an over-enthusiastic hooker. Besides my work-work, all computer time had to be put into this, no focus went onto much else at all. Thankfully, this is almost done, but won’t be launched for a while due to content still being put together, but it is a rad design, rad concept and quite an intense build which me and Kris worked on together. More on that at some point I suppose, it’s an interesting thing, not your usual corporate soul stealing bullshit.

Onward: I am back on the regular broadcasting, do not panic, everything should continue as normal. And all of this is not to say I haven’t done anything at all, which I want to bring your attention to now:


At the end of September, I had actually finished writing the short story I just launched called The Poster Couple For Cross-Species Relationships. Hell, the majority of it had been finished around December 2008, but I only just recently found it and decided it was good enough to finish off for everyone else.

But there were HUGE sections missing, rushed holes in the plot which I struggled so hard to fill in. I wrote and I wrote and I edited and I edited, turning paragraphs into pages and then back into paragraphs, but nothing was working. I was so close to just launching the bloated piece of crap as it was, essentially 3 short stories shoved into one, but my ethics got the better of me and I just couldn’t do it. So instead I spent My Get Out Of Jail Free Month refining it into what you read now, probably 6 or 7 drafts later.


And despite all of this, it’s probably the worst of the three Goat’s Nest stories I’ve launched so far. That said, it is important in the bigger scheme of things, as this is the deepest I’ve dared to go into The Goat’s Nest thus far for you guys. I know it’s a bit long and lots of things said might not make sense right now, but after a few more stories are launched, the picture will develop clearer - I promise. I also just want to add that for about 34 months, Bristle got shot in the end, which I only changed last week. I felt better with the decision, and I hope you do to.

Look, I know no one reads my short stories except my girlfriend (and she loves them, really!) but I don’t mind because I know one day people will. I can’t stop writing them, this is bigger than me in more ways than you know. This is proven by the fact that I already have the idea for the next one, and man, it’s going to be Something with a capital Yes.

Anyway, so there will be one more article blog until December which I have already started, followed swiftly by the usual end of the year routine. I don’t know why I am doing this anyway, all of this is stupid because only one thing really matters to me at all, which is


This is dangerously close to the finish line now now. DANGEROUSLY. It’s a very dangerous thing, and this is not a joke. I even entered studio a while ago and recorded half the vocals and have the next date booked, I think. The thing is, last time we “spoke” I said I would be launching in November, which just didn’t come into alignment.  I’m sorry. Further more, due to holidays and stuff, I don’t feel comfortable with launching this in December or January, so we are looking at a February release date AT LATEST, I PROMISE. Maybe even earlier if I get lucky, but I will announce it as soon as I am sure, so please keep an eye out on my Twitter for more details.

Anyway, to give you some idea of how much progress I have made in the last two months, I would like to reflect on where we came from:
In June 2011 I announced that I was 17.5% done of the final stretch.
In July 2011 I announced that I was 24.6% done of the final stretch.
In August 2011 I announced that I was 29% done of the final stretch.
Now, in October 2011 I am stoked to announce that I am 57.6% done of the final stretch. And the majority of it is downhill from here, I hope.

As I said earlier, I only want to focus on this, it is the only thing that actually matters to me in the world really. I would even stop Juice Nothing for this project (and I was close), but after heavy contemplation I decided that this wouldn’t help at all. It is in my best interest to keep my motors running from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep, because that kind of momentum bursts through walls.


Over the last few news items, I have complained and whined about how much I loathed this massive project I have taken on. But in the last month, I have started to really get on top of it and enjoy it again. I have re-evaluated and re-ordered every month up until August, which I literally finished the same second I posted this. And as the year draws closer to the end, I feel I have a massive grasp on what albums top 2011 and am expecting a really really solid Top 50 Albums blog at the end of the year. SO BE EXCITED FOR THAT KIDS YES PLS.


For the first time since June, I can happily announce that we have done some work! The sequel for Nitrous Of The Living Dead has been 100% filmed and is in post as we speak (watch the original here). My input was minimal as just the actor, but I can say Ammr busted the coolest script ever and it should be miles above the last one. I am so excited for this to come out, acting is so much fun, one of my favourite things to do. I am hoping this will be done by the end of November, but no promises, it’s down to Ammr and Ash mostly now really.

Besides all of this, all I can really tell you is that there is an idea much like a choose-you-own-adventure story making serious chaos in my brain right now, which means it will definitely be on the working-table soon. Gonna be radness to the power of radness squared, and part of something quite large eventually.

And as always, if you seriously don’t already (??), follow me on Twitter! It is the only way to be sure you miss nothing including me talking about SEX and MURDER all-the-fucking-time. I have a feeling the rest of this year is going to be interesting.

I am so sick of partying. I only want to work.
But I love you dearly, dear.
Jared Woods

Tuesday 25 October 2011

The Poster Couple For Cross-Species Relationships


So sorry to do this, but the short story you are looking for has been removed! How shit is that?

Do not fear! If you want to read it, you still can! Simply download my book This Is Your Brain On Drugs (featuring many other very delicious bits I wrote) from good old Amazon Kindle!