Monday 24 May 2010

Easter Eggs Up Your Ass

Originally Written: 01/04/10

That time of year is here again where we celebrate the murder and resurrection of
Jesus Christ the savior. I don't care what your beliefs on the subject are - coming back to life is a pretty impressive party trick even 2000 years onward. And as any kid will tell you, what better way to honour this than to eat a bunch of colourful chocolate eggs hidden by a very cunning bunny-rabbit.

Now, there is one thing always pisses me off about this time of year. It's when you're sitting in a room and some uneducated fuck thinks he's so smart and funny, and proclaims "
what the hell does bunny rabbits and eggs have to do with the rise of Jesus?" And everyone else in the room nods and drools and agree's "Wow, I never thought about it like that, you are so clever and beyond us."

I swear to God, this happens every fucking year. And each time I have to hold back from casually walking over the schmuck, slapping his/her face like a bitch and then pissing all over his/her designer trainers. Where did you get this amazing thought? Did you think of it all by yourself? Well - let me ask you this - do they have the internet where you come from? Oh, they do? Well, why don't you take your useless fingers over there and go onto wikipedia, you stupid prick, before putting stupid ideas into these poor sheep brains?

It's symbolic. Rabbits are known for their excessive breeding habits (the little sluts) although I doubt they match us humans. Cos we fuck a lot. Eggs, on the other hand, are an obvious representation of birth itself, waiting to be hatched into the world. It's
LIFE people, symbols of the creation of LIFE. Which has a rather fitting connection to the death and resurrection of Jesus, wouldn't you say? Yay! All is not lost! You can go back to bed now.

Besides all that nonsense, I love any holiday - it's an excuse to celebrate. I will have an extra pint just because I did my washing this week, so personally, I enjoy any justification which is a little more globally accepted. And let's face it, ever since I moved out of home, the chances of me even receiving a single Easter egg is next to none. Unless I buy it myself, which I am just not willing to do.

It's about here that I realise I have no conclusion to what I was talking about - please forgive me as I take this in a completely different direction.

Much like the sadistic rabbit (I decided he was sadistic just now) hiding Easter eggs for kids; artists and media developers around the world enjoy a similar practice too. I'm talking from programmers to painters to film directors - they love to sneak tiny in-jokes into their products so that we as the average people have to search and search to get the humour. And by search and search, I mean go to
Google, type some words, click "Google Search", normally the first hit. Fittingly, these little gems are called Easter Eggs. You see? You see? I didn't completely go off topic now, did I? No.

If you know anything about me (and let me assure you, you don't) you'll know that I am only educated about 3 things. The first is vagina - let me prove this to you sometime. The other 2 are the internet and music. And for that reason, I will be focusing on my
Top 10 favourite hidden Eggs in albums and songs I feel you should know. Please enjoy. Or don't. Either way - I win because you are on my website.

PLEASE NOTE: This note wouldn't have been so easy if it wasn't for the badly designed but thoroughly contented website knows as Easter Eggs over here:
Also, no backward messaging was included, because that way of hiding stuff is so lame.

10. The Beatles - Sgt Pepper's Lonely Heart Club Band (1967)

This specific technique is my least favourite execution of any hidden-track method, only because it has been done like a 1000 times since. However, it is only fair to include this example, as it is the first hidden track
ever. Yup, first at everything, you're oh-so-cool Mr. Beatles.

After the final song (The
EPIC A Day In The Life) we are treated to 15-kilohertz high-frequency tone, which generally can only be heard by dogs, but I can hear it because I am SOMETHING BEYOND EVERYTHING. This is immediately followed by a weird loop of laughter and gibberish. This works especially well on the Vinyl editions because the track loops perpetually within the inner groove of the LP, an effect lost on the cd-release.

Since the release, there has been massive amounts of debating over what the hidden track means. "What does it really mean?" they say. Some have reported that it is just
McCartney saying "It really couldn't be any other" which sounds pretty close. Then kids started to play the message backwards (which isn't that strange because by now every single second of The Beatles catalogue has been listened to backwards extensively just to find, well, anything). Backwards interpretations are often cited as "We'll fuck you like Superman" and lesser so as "Will Paul come back as Superman?" which fuels the Paul is Dead Theory even further.

Anyways, you try work this all out for yourself, the hidden track is here.

Since then, this "play a track after the last track" technique has been used by any lazy artist who wanted a hidden track. One of the most famous examples being
Endless, Nameless by Nirvana on their classic album Nevermind.

The Beatles themselves didn't stop there either, with their Her Majesty being hidden much the same way on Abbey Road. Even cooler was their track Can You Take Me Back which is unlisted on the White Album, playing just after Cry Baby Cry and just before Revolution Number 9. And of course, there are literally hundreds of other hidden things all around The Beatles catalogue, some of which may be on purpose, most of which can be just credited to crazy fans. I'll leave you to it then.

09. Blur - Think Tank (2003)

Unlike the previous example, this technique could be considered as a "real" hidden track because you can listen to the entire album and never find it. Ladies, gentleman, inbetweeners:
The Pregpap.

How this works is like this: instead of just hitting "play" on track 1, the listener can actually rewind the first track into negative numbers where a bunch of hidden audio is stored. Hell, this audio is so well hidden that it doesn't even work on some cd players. That's pretty fucking hidden if you ask me.

Some of the best examples include
Queens Of The StoneAge's Songs For The Deaf which is just the sounds of someone getting into their car. Muse's Hullabaloo Soundtrack contains a sample of Tom Waits' What's He Building? on Disc 2. Limp Bizkit's Significant Other has a few of these all over the album.

Personally, I have chosen
Blur's Think Tank album as my favourite example of this. My reasoning is terrible: I just love Blur and I love this album. Also, the track in question "Me, White Noise" is a full-on over-6-and-a-half minute electronic track with guest vocals from the cockney Phil Daniels (who also provided vocals on the band's track Parklife).

However, this method is still used extremely often in modern media, and so isn't anything too special. For a detailed list of all albums using this, check it out here.

08. The Bloodhound Gang - Hooray For Boobies (2000)

Ok, now that we have got the 2 most common examples out of the way, it's time to start rewarding the truly clever.

To some, using the words "
Bloodhound Gang" and "Truly clever" in the same sentence might be an oxymoron, but let me assure you that Jimmy Pop is (or, at least, was) a lyrical genius. A VOICE OF A GENERATION is what I wouldn't go so far as to say. And Hooray For Boobies has got to be their best work just because of how much effort was put into this album alone. Besides the 13 album tracks (which are generally really good), we also have 5 other joke tracks scattered among them, bringing the total to 18 all together. Then we find ourselves listening to silent track after silent track until we hit track 47, which is called "Studio Bullshit" and is just that - a bunch of talking and ridiculousness.

As much as this is a hidden track, it still isn't the most original way to do it, and is in essence the same idea as the first entry - a bunch of blank space before the final unlisted song. So most people who own this album have found this track all by themselves, well done.

What most people do NOT know however, is that when the album is played through a program like
winamp, the 28 blank tracks are each assigned a letter. Which when spelt out in order, reads "Tracks 19 Thru 46 Are Just Silence". Which is true.

This is the only example I can find like this anywhere, and even the most hardcore
BHGroupies somehow seem to overlook this.

People have also said that the 47 tracks are a reference to the 47th chromosome, which is the one that causes
Down Syndrome. And I guess if you know Bloodhound Gang, that is a definite possibility. FUNNY.

07. Radiohead - Kid A (2000)

Radiohead like to do things differently, and while other bands were hiding tracks on their albums, they went ahead and hid an entire cd-cover of artwork.

The original UK pressings of the album had a hidden booklet, all you had to do was lift up the tray underneath the cd, and there it was: 8 pages of really, really weird stuff designed by
Thom Yorke (under the alias Tchock ) and Stanley Donwood (who does all their artwork anyway). This is way above the line of duty, I am sure we can all agree, as even the main booklet itself is filled with tracing paper and other weird fold-outs that no other album I have ever seen has made use of.

The hidden booklet caused some controversy with a demonic portrait of then-British Prime Minister
Tony Blair, along with many other strange quotes and teddy bears. Of course, you can't find this anymore, but if you want to look at the entire thing, you can, over here.

You're welcome.

06. The Velvet Underground - The Velvet Underground & Nico (1967)

I was torn whether this could actually be considered an Easter Egg or not, but seeing as the original pressings of this LP are hard to come by, and the CD versions most of us newbies are familiar with do not include the gimmick... why yes, I think I'll include it.

It is one of the most recognizable cd covers of all time, even though it is just a banana. Of course, when is anything just anything when
Andy Warhol painted it? And in true Warhol fashion, you had to look closer just to get the joke.

A little message and an arrow invited the listener to "
Peel slowly and see", aimed right at the banana stem itself. Early purchases of the LP surprised people when they did just that, peeling the top layer of the banana to reveal a skinned one underneath. This must've been super expensive and probably the reason why they stopped printing these very quickly.

However, if you have one, sell it on eBay and make money. Or give it to me. Or don't, whatever. I'll kill you.

05. Led Zeppelin - In Through the Out Door (1979)

While we are still on the topic of album covers an what-nots, this one took me by surprise. Whilst researching for this article, I came across this one I had never heard of - which is weird because I thought I knew everything about everything, let alone
Led Zeppelin.

It's so good, it deserves a little introduction. First of all, it was designed by
Storm Thorgerson and Aubrey Powell of the Hipgnosis team. Do a little bit of research, and you will find that almost every incredible album cover ever made was done by these guys, from Pink Floyd's The Dark Side of the Moon, to Muse's Black Holes and Revelations, and all the Genisis's, Black Sabbath's and Mars Volta's in-between.

But this one is special. And I don't mean just because there 6 different versions, each showing different angles of the same scene (a man burning a letter at a pub). I also don't mean the fact that the album was covered in a brown paper bag so that the buyer had no idea which one they were purchasing (an obvious ploy to get more money from the collectors).

No, the genius here lies that the images were black and white, but when wiped with a damp towel, became fully coloured. Yes, just like those books you had as a kiddie. The technique was completely irreversible, and
Hipgnosis was nominated for a Grammy Award in 1980 for this stunt.

04. The Monty Python Matching Tie and Handkerchief (1973)

Ahem, back to actually hiding music within an album, we have a very special technique that is so special that modern day Cd's just cannot do it. It's called Double Grooving, and despite my best efforts, I can only find 3 examples of it ever being used.

The first is
Tool - Opiate. The Cd version of this album contains the hidden track The Gaping Lotus Experience, hidden in the traditional format: lying after a bunch of silence following the final track. However, on the Vinyl, people disovered that it just wasn't there. Oh - but it was... By dropping the needle in just the right place during Cold & Ugly, the listener could find it. It is like a hidden groove on the record that if the album was listened to from the beginning to the end, it wouldn't be picked up. Very cool.

The second example of this would be
Mr Bungle's Disco Volante, which is an untitled hidden track, but requires the listener to drop the needle in just the right place during Carry Stress In The Jaw.

But you can't beat
Monty Python's use of this technique. We aren't talking Hidden tracks here: we're talking an entire HIDDEN ALBUM. That's right, the worlds first and only triple-sided LP. So much so that the official name of the release was Free Record Given Away With The Monty Python Matching Tie and Handkerchief.

Much like the previous examples, the second side of this album played 3 tracks normally. But if you placed the stylus right, it would play 4 completely different tracks. To further the joke, the album did not have a track listing. This means that the listener may listen to the album a few times before suddenly being surprised with a bunch of tracks he/she had never heard before. Long live the kings of comedy.

03. Pink Floyd - The Wall (1979)

This Easter Egg is so simple that it won't take long to explain, but is so incredibly genius that it is often overlooked despite being the best selling album of the 1980's in USA.

Within the very first seconds of this album, if you listen closely, you will hear someone faintly say the words "
...where we came in?". You might have never noticed that before, but you will now.

Then listen to the entire album. Do it with headphones. Do it stoned. You may never come back.

After your double-album journey, listen carefully just as the album ends, and you will here that same voice, but this time saying "
isn't this...?" and then the cd cuts out.

Set it to play the first album after the second, and you will get the flawless sentence: "
Isn't this... where we came in?", a perfect way to listen to an album over and over and over.

Pink Floyd are like Easter Egg shitting machines, so I suggest you do a little more research on the topic about them. This is merely my favourite one.

02. Tool - 10,000 Days (2006)

Yes, I like
Tool. We all like Tool. I just don't like Tool as much as everyone else seems to. And as far as Tool album's go: 99% of us agree that this was their worst offering, despite the excessive packaging to try and fool you otherwise.

Tool are pretty much the heavy-weight champions of modern day ProgRock, and that isn't a title anyone should take lightly. Their collection is so long and trippy that it almost feels like the entire thing is one giant Easter Egg. But this does not stop them from hiding stuff from us, and that is the reason why this band was not only mentioned in entry #4, but why they also have this entire entry to themselves. Because this, my friends, is fucking GENIUS.

It requires some work on your part, but give it a shot: download (or rip - if you are a good person) tracks 3, 4 and 11. Now open tracks 11 and 3 (
Viginti Tres and Wings for Marie (Pt 1)) in one media player and track 4 (10,000 Days (Wings Pt 2)) in a separate media player. You will notice that these tracks, when added up, both reach 11 minutes 13 seconds in length. This is not an accident.

If you manage to press Play on both players at exactly the same time, you will shit yourself as you realise that they sync up and create a monster track together as one.

So let's recap here: there are 3 tracks, when combined, make up the hidden track. Have you ever heard of anything like this, ever?? Fuck-off cool.

Marie, of course, being Maynard's mother who died before this album's release. Some people even argue that the 11 minute thing has something to do with the fact that she died in November. Yeah, maybe.

01. Aphex Twin - Windowlicker (1999)

Richard D James is the king of everything. As far as Experimental Electronic music goes, no one has yet to do anything even remotely as good as he has, and even more so, this particular song.

For anyone familiar with his work, you know that he loves to put his face on everything. EVERYTHING. In the video for this song, his face is superimposed onto the bodies of models in bikini's (much like the above image), scaring little kids all across the world. But what not many people know is this: his face is hidden INSIDE of this song.

Impossible? POSSIBLE!

All you need is a spectrograph program - try
Spectrogram, and then watch the pretty patterns this song makes just like every other song in existence. The key hits around 5:27, a massive noise you have probably heard before but paid no attention to takes place. But when viewing through the spectrograph, suddenly you are looking at Richard's face - in the music.

Lazy? Ok, it looks like this.

The song also ends with pretty spirals made by the same technique.

Since then the band
Venetian Snares has hidden cats in their songs, and various images of hands were hidden in Year Zero by Nine Inch Nails (which is also smothered in Easter Egg gold all over), but this is the first and possibly the best example in history.

This, my friends, is Easter egg holy grail, and
nothing is better.

What, haven't I said enough??

Thursday 13 May 2010

The 30 Best Band Names Ever

Originally Written: 26/03/10

Best Band Names Ever

A band makes the name, this much is true. Let's look at the biggest example we possibly can, shall we? The Beatles. Now, when you see that name, you automatically associate everything with it as perfection. That is because they are undoubtedly the biggest most influential band in all of existence, and unlike so many other quoted examples - they lived up to it.

But Jesus, it's a terrible name. To be honest, if it was "The Beetles", I'd prefer it. But to play on words in such a corny way as to include "Beat" would be ridiculed if anyone else had done it, right? What is even more ironic is that the original drummer Pete Best was replaced once EMI signed them. So much for their commitment to whoever was doing the Beating. Even funnier is that Ringo is universally accepted as the weakest member, and I agree.

But they made the name - so much so that for the first 10 years of my life I spelt the word "Beetles" wrong until my teacher corrected me. Hell, even Microsoft Word ignores the error - that's how big they were. They empowered a misspelling to the point of general acceptance.

Just quickly I want to touch on my favourite bad band name - "Live". Fuck, you don't get much dumber than that. Try searching through any given music collection for the word "live" and thousands of artists will match, because almost every band in the world has live recordings. Stupid. They are so 1996 anyway.

But now and again, you hear a band name which you never forget - whether it is offensive, funny, true or clever - you want to hear their music just because of what they called themselves. If purchasing a cd based on the cover art is the musical version of "judging a book by it's cover", then paying attention to an unknown band due to their title could be compared to reading a book because of the author's name. Which is a ridiculous comparison.

So after much thought and research, I have narrowed down the 30 best band names I have ever heard. And please, if you are going to start a band - THINK before you name yourselves and you might get blogged about one day.

Much love - Go:

Bear vs Shark
30. Bear vs. Shark

Years Active: 2001 - 2005
Genre: Post-Hardcore
Origin: Highland, Michigan, USA

This name begs only one question: water or no water? Because underwater, nothing can beat a Shark. And before some of you cunts still living in 2006 say "But Chuck Norris..." I will remind you that Chuck Norris is an old man and Shark's have a bunch of teeth that have never heard the jokes. Conversely: if it was a land battle, the bear would obviously tear the Shark a new one. Hell, I'll even take on a shark on land cos I AM FUCKING INSANE and I know how to use a gun.
Apparently the band chose the name because it sounded hardcore. And yeah, it does. Some also claim that their place of origin (Michigan) looks like the said scene. And yeah, it does.

Neutral Milk Hotel
29. Neutral Milk Hotel
Years Active: 1991 - 1998
Genre: Lo-fi Indie-Rock
Origin: Ruston, Louisiana, USA

I love this band. A lot. Maybe not as much as many of the online indie freaks I have come into contact with, but nevertheless, a great band.
Now, I don't know if you know this, but if you ever eat too much chocolate or eat a chili your mommy warned you about - there is only ONE way to neutralise the overwhelming sensation you might face. You guessed it: Milk. So when I think of a Neutral Milk Hotel, it's kind of like a place you go if you have eaten too much chocolate. Maybe like that milk-bar in A Clockwork Orange with milk pouring out of the boobs of statue ladies. Mmmm, statue ladies.

Anal Cunt
28. Anal Cunt
Years Active: 1988 - Present
Genre: Grindcore
Origin: Newton, Massachusetts, USA

If you want to name your band 2 words that you can't say on TV, you better have a damn good follow up. Anal Cunt sounds like you would imagine, just by learning that some of their song titles are to the likes of: "I Became A Counselor So I Could Tell Rape Victims They Deserve It"; "I Like Drugs And Child Abuse" and "I Made Your Kids Get AIDS So I Could Watch It Die" you start to get the picture. Hell, these song titles are probably longer than the songs themselves.
It wasn't long after I started reading homoerotic literature that I found out that gay men actually refer to their bumbums as 'Anal Cunts'. I don't know why I felt a need to tell you that, but not my problem anymore.
Finally, I must give props to The Cunt, because in 1998 they released an album called "Picnic of Love" which was an acoustic folk album filled with titles like: "I Respect Your Feelings As A Woman And A Human"; "Saving Ourselves For Marriage" and "In My Heart There's a Star Named After You". So maybe all is not lost in the world after all.

The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza
27. The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza
Years Active: 2004 - Present
Genre: Experimental Metal
Origin: Murfreeseboro, Tennesee, USA

When I was a kid and I used to watch "Who's The Boss?" I always knew who the boss was. It was Tony Danza. Tony Danza would beat your Dad to shit.
So when I read that Tony Danza will be tapdancing, well, I spermed automatically (fact). Apparently many people got upset when they went to watch the band for the first time, only to realise that there was no Tony Danza, but in fact, a mathcore metal band.
I would be pissed myself, but despite giving up on the metal genre when I was 17 years old, they are actually pretty good.

I Killed the Prom Queen
26. I Killed the Prom Queen
Years Active: 2000 - Present Hiatus
Genre: Metalcore
Origin: Adelaide, Australia

I guess I only really like this name because it reminds me of my High School Dance when I dumped a bucket of blood onto our very own prom-queen. She totally freaked out, you should have seen her, she started to spazz, her eyes were rolling back and the whole room began to shake. Luckily, I had read Carrie, and I popped the bitch in the face with my 9mil.
On a side note, this band represents everything I hate about modern metal music.

The Jesus Lizard
25. The Jesus Lizard
Years Active: 1987 - 1999; 2008 - Present
Genre: Alternative Rock
Origin: Austin, Texas, USA

In my opinion, these guys are legends, which is refreshing because most of these bands on this list suck balls and are only here because they had a moment of genius when it was time to name themselves.
Why legends you ask? They did a split single with Nirvana in 1989, which I haven't done yet, therefore: legends. Also, David Yow sings really well.
Oh, the name itself is from an actual lizard that can run on water. Nobody I know personally can do that, so that is why I have been licking their ass for the last 3 paragraphs.

I Love You But I’ve Chosen Darkness
24. I Love You But I’ve Chosen Darkness
Years Active: 2003 - Present
Genre: Indie Rock
Origin: Austin, Texas, USA

I like this moniker because it was what my mom wanted to name me. My dad preferred Jared, they flipped a coin, and here I am. Coincidentally, it was also the title of my first suicide note, so it's kind of freaky and symbolic for me.
Anyways, these guys are so underground that their Myspace page is still on the default skin. Which probably actually means they have no promotion skills whatsoever, and this is a pity, because they aren't half bad.

23. AIDS Wolf
Years Active: 2003 - Present
Genre: Noise Rock
Origin: Montreal, Quebec, Canada

Forget Bear vs. Shark - NOTHING is more hardcore than an AIDS Wolf. To be honest, nothing is more hardcore than AIDS, so they win when it comes to something that nobody really wants in their home.
Apparently there was once an urban legend floating around that wolves carried the AIDS virus, which turns out just wasn't true. It was probably made up by the guy who fucked that monkey and ruined everything.
At first I didn't like this band, until I found out that the high-pitched screamer was a girl. And I like girls, so I like AIDS Wolf.

Suburban Kids With Biblical Names
22. Suburban Kids With Biblical Names
Years Active: 2003 - Present
Genre: Twee/Indie Pop
Origin: Haninge, Sweden

Jared is a biblical name, it means: The Perpetual Leader. I swear to God, I am not making this up, just do a little research and you will see this is true.
Anyways, Biblical names are nothing special, there are like 30 billion of them (give or take).
This band's name, on the other hand, isn't very common, and comes from a lyric in the song "People" by the Silver Jews. How does that make you feel? It was STOLEN.
Regardless, it is a fucking cool name that I didn't think of, and also, they ROCK. One of their labels are called Yesboyicecream which is also genius, happiness, amen.

The Plot to Blow Up the Eiffel Tower
21. The Plot to Blow Up the Eiffel Tower
Years Active: 2001 - 2006
Genre: Post-Punk Jazz
Origin: San Diego, California, USA

Once in a while, we have all considered blowing up The Eiffel Tower, right? I know I have, but as it turns out - it's damn expensive! Also, I have French friends who asked me not to. I'm a nice guy, so I didn't.
Much like the previous entry, this name was stolen, but at least it was from a book called The Lipstick Traces, which proves these guys can read. Says a lot for a modern day punk band.
To be honest, they are pretty rad, check them out.

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
20. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
Years Active: 2005 - Present
Genre: Indie Rock
Origin: Brooklyn, New York, USA

I guess what is so appealing about this band is that they pretty much tell you what every band wants you to do. The moment you heckle them, is the same moment you are doing it wrong. When you go to one of their shows, their name is the instruction, and if you don't do it, you are a rebel and rebellion is so 1970's.
They are pretty big by now, so if you don't know them, you might as well go listen cos people all over the world are saying nice things. Brooklyn is where it's at musically these days anyway.

Tiger! Shit! Tiger! Tiger!
19. Tiger! Shit! Tiger! Tiger!
Years Active: No clue, no wikipedia
Genre: Post Punk
Origin: Italy?

Nobody knows this band. This is because they aren't famous. But with a name like that - they should be. Just look at it's beauty. Notice the exclamation points. Enjoy their careful use of profanity fitted neatly inbetween the repeats of a large cat species. There are so many good things about this moniker that I may even name my penis after them.
They also aren't so bad musically, which helps sometimes too.
Finally, there is also that club called Tiger Tiger, which I have been to 4 times and got lucky twice. 50% success rate isn't so bad, so I'd recommend it to anyone.

Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
18. Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
Years Active: 1995 - Present
Genre: Pop Punk
Origin: California, USA

I like stuff, and I like getting stuff first, fuck everyone else, I'm in this life thing for myself. And it is this kind of selfish attitude that puts people in power, while the more nobel folk go to heaven but drive shit cars.
Even the incarnation of this band was selfish, a bunch of already established musicians (incl Fat Mike from NOFX and 2 members from Lagwagon) weren't happy enough with their current bands and made this SuperPunkGroup who just cover other people's songs. I know a ton of punkers who swear by this band, so I won't say anything bad about them just incase I wake up with a safety pin through my eyeball. But I will say that much like their songs, their name was STOLEN from a children's book of the same name by Gerald G. Jampolsky and Diane V. Cirincione. The End.

Death Cab For Cutie
17. Death Cab For Cutie
Years Active: 1997 - Present
Genre: Indie Rock
Origin: Bellingham, Washington, USA

At this point in my article, we can all agree that good band names are more often than not, stolen. But it's all about where you steal it from.
In 1967 (the best year for music EVER, maybe) a fairly well known band named The Beatles made a movie called The Magical Mystery Tour which featured a much lesser known band called Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band. Which is a pretty good gig if you ask me. They played a song called Death Cab For Cutie, which was about a girl who went out against her lovers wishes and then DIES when her Taxicab driver runs a red and crashes. Tragic.
Cool name, but I find the band generally medicore.

Gay for Johnny Depp
16. Gay for Johnny Depp
Years Active: 2004 - Present
Genre: Hardcore
Origin: New York, USA

Everybody wants to fuck Johnny Depp. If someone says that they don't want to fuck Johnny Depp, it is because they are not comfortable with their sexuality. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that this band name is a contradiction, because even if a male had sex with Johnny Depp, he still wouldn't be gay. Johnny is just that sexy.
It's also nice to know that the band is very cool and they have great album/song titles like "Blood: The Natural Lubricant" and "Belief in God is So Adorable", so they are far from a one name wonder.

Panic! At the Disco
15. Panic! At the Disco
Years Active: 2004 - Present
Genre: Emo :'(
Origin: Las Vegas, Nevada, USA

Look, I fucking hate this band. So much. If you like this band, there is a really good chance we won't get along in real life. It doesn't matter that they are multi-platinum or that Brendon Urie is pretty good looking (for a girl), they are terrible and they are friends with Fall Out Boy.
But still, it's a great name. So great, in fact, one would wonder how a band so mediocre could come up with it? Well, they stole it from the song "Panic" by the band Name Taken. Which is also a cool name, but not cool enough to make my special list, nananana.

Pop Will Eat Itself
14. Pop Will Eat Itself
Years Active: 1986–1996, 2005
Genre: Alternative Rock Industrial
Origin: Stourbridge, West Midlands, England

"Fuck 'em and their Law". Who sings that? Prodigy right? Not really hey - it's a Prodigy song, sure, but Pop Will Eat Itself actually do the vocals. You see? You learn something everyday. Stick with me and you'll learn something every minute baby.
Where was I? Oh ja, band names. So anyways, when I was a kid, all the alternative children thought it was so cool to hate pop music. So when I heard this name whilst I was still a lightie, I thought it was genius. Now I'm a little bit older and pop is one of my favourite genres, but it's still genius. And besides, it is true, no genre eats and spits out artists faster than the pop one, so that's why I now chew my food properly.

Dogs Die in Hot Cars
13. Dogs Die in Hot Cars
Years Active: 2003-2006; 2008-present
Genre: Britpop
Origin: Fifi, Scotland

Rolling Stone in Australia said it was the best band name in the history of rock & roll. NME said it was the worst. Regardless, it's a fact of life, much like babies, Dog's do Die In Hot Cars. It's educational. Maybe one day you will leave your dog in the car at the parking lot of the mall, and then you think to yourself "What was it that band said?". And then you will remember and crack a window. You see? This band just saved your dog's life.
The band themselves are alright, it's not like I want to have sex with them or anything, or even listen to them on purpose, but all in all, there are worse bands on this list.

12. Fokofpolisiekar
Years Active: 2003 - Present
Genre: Punk Rock
Origin: Belville, Suid Afrika

Don't shoot me, but I don't like Fokof. It's nothing against them personally (although I did meet them, and they were assholes) but they don't get me excited. However, in a country where almost every alternative band is desperately mimicking UK and USA sounds, it is refreshing for something that is unapologetically South African. Of course, now we have Die Antwoord and Jack Parow, so I don't have to care anymore.
For those of you who don't speak Die Afrikaans, their name literally translates to "Fuck Off Police Car" which would make a great name in English as well. They also have that "Fuck God" attitude, which isn't something I subscribe to myself, but I do love watching Religious peeps squirm in defense.

11. Turbonegro
Years Active: 1989–1998, 2002–present
Genre: Glam Punk
Origin: Oslo, Norway

Don't laugh at me, but when I was much younger, I used to ask people: do you know that band Toblerone? Of course, nobody had, and I thought I was so cool and underground. Until one day a video of theirs came on and I was all like "YEAH TOBLERONE!" and my friend was like "Jared, you are such a twat, that's Turbonegro". My ego was crushed, but inside I knew that it was definitely a better name.
I don't like Turbonegro, but the title is pure gold. They have spent much time trying to convince people that it is not racist, and it isn't. Turbo means Fast, Negro means Black - so it's really just FastBlack, which is what so many bands try to be these days. Apparently it is also the darkest shade you can paint you vehicle in the car industry. So I vote "yes".

The Whitest Boy Alive
10. The Whitest Boy Alive
Years Active: 2003 - present
Genre: Indie Pop
Origin: Germany

My great-grandmother was a quarter black, so I don't know what you are talking about. Motherfucker I'm from the hood. But when you listen to this band, one thing becomes very obvious: they are so white. They might, in fact, be the whitest boys alive. There is no hint of street whatsoever, but that's ok. I think.
Ag, who am I kidding, I don't really like this band, but cool name guys, well done.

Natalie Portman's Shaved Head
09. Natalie Portman's Shaved Head
Years Active: 2005 - Present
Genre: Indie Rock/Electronica
Origin: Seattle, Washington, USA

There are 3 main female celebrities I really want to sleep with...
"Let me guess Jared, first of all: Lily Allen?"
WRONG! Let me just clear this up once and for all. I do NOT want to fuck Lily Allen. Why? This is because she writes songs about how terrible her lovers are in bed, and if you do a little research, you will learn I am a terrible lay, so I wouldn't be able to cope with the pressure.
No, the top 3 would be: Mila Kunis, Hannah Murray and Natalie Portman.
Now there is something extra sexy about a girl who can shave her head and still look as good as Natalie does in V is For Vendetta.
The band themselves aren't quite as hot, but still pretty warm, and with the right amount of ecstasy, I'd break it down. Seattle is the coolest place for a band to originate anyway.
(P.S: Emma Watson, if you are reading this, I'm sorry you didn't make the cut but you are definitely number 4)

This Is Serious Mum
08. This Is Serious Mum
Years Active: 1982–2004 (hiatus)
Genre: Alternative Rock
Origin: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

If you want to get technical about it, this band's name is actually TISM, an acronym of This Is Serious Mum. I hate acronyms as a band's name more than I hate {name removed} but I will pretend that their title is the expanded version because I choose my own adventure.
Make no mistake, they are a gimmick band of note, their identity obscured by masks and they love to reference pop culture in their songs. So no, they aren't so serious, sorry for the miscommunication Mommy. But with song names like: "Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me"; "If You're Not Famous At Fourteen, You're Finished" & "Denial Works For Me", they get 5-stars in the naming department.

Pretty Girls Make Graves
07. Pretty Girls Make Graves
Years Active: 2001-2007
Genre: Art-Punk
Origin: Seattle, Washington, USA

Never has smarter words been spoken, and as per usual, all the smartest things ever said in the history of mankind can be credited to Morrissey. That's right, this name was stolen from The Smiths' song of the same name. But it is ok to steal from Morrissey, because he said it was ok to steal from other people, because Oscar Wilde said it was ok to steal from other people.
What is special here is that when a boy says something like this, it reminds us of heartbreak. But the singer from this particular band is a female, and so when she says it, it sounds like jealousy. So like, it's all different in context or something.
Anyways, I have loved this band since before I even knew who The Smiths were, so I give them two thumbs up and then I do a little dance of sorts.

When People Were Shorter and Lived Near The Water
06. When People Were Shorter and Lived Near The Water
Years Active: 1986–1996
Genre: Experimental/Psychedelic Punk
Origin: New York, New York, USA

Look, I don't care who you are, if you are so genius that you manage to rhyme a sentence within your band name, you win everything. Just take it, all my money, it's yours.
Not only that, it's historically accurate too. People used to live closer to the water because, well, they didn't have taps and municipal water systems. And while the average modern day man is approx. just over 5'9", the 17th century man was averaging around 5'6". This is because we consume more nutrition, have central heating and eat antibiotics. Hell yes - progression.
Anyways, the band are a cover band that butcher songs beyond recognition, are relatively unknown (251 friends on myspace, psssh, I've slept with more people than that) and are all in all, pretty cool if you are into that punk kinda vibe. The singer now plays in a band with Andrew WK which means he probably knows how to PARTY HARD, right Andrew?? RIGHT?!?!?

Kiss the Anus of a Black Cat
05. Kiss the Anus of a Black Cat
Years Active: 2004 - Present?
Genre: Dark/Neofolk
Origin: Belgium

Have you ever kissed the anus of a black cat? I wouldn't recommend it.
But here is the weird thing about all of this: you would think a band with a name like this would be something like early Blink-182, immature 4-chord teenage-pop-punk, talking about making out with your mom and then getting naked on the street.
This is just not the case here. I'd go so far to say that they are really good. I might be biased due to my recent folk obsession, but their sound is clever, which makes this name even better because obviously these guys have some experience. They don't even have a wikipedia page, so go anti-popularity and terrible promotion! Ftw.

Years Active: Dunno, no wiki
Genre: Metal Something
Origin: Atlanta, USA

This. Is. GENIUS. So much so that called it "The best band name ever". In fact, this name is so funny, I am struggling to say anything about it at all as I would feel pathetic and overshadowed by the awesomeness that is JFKFC.
So instead I will give 2 facts just for you:
(1) KFC still stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken. They were not forced to remove the word "Chicken" from their name because the animals were so genetically engineered that they were no longer classified as said creature. IT'S A MYTH.
(2) JFK and Marilyn Monroe would have had the hottest baby ever.
The band is pretty cool as far as metal goes, and believe me, it doesn't go far. Hahaha, I hate metal.

Does It Offend You, Yeah?
03. Does It Offend You, Yeah?
Years Active: 2006–present
Genre: Dance-Punk-Electro-House
Origin: Reading, England

When this band started, they decided to make a myspace, but needed a name. So they did what all smart people with creative block do: turn on the TV, write down the first thing you hear. In their case, it was an episode of The Office where Ricky Gervais says "Does it offend you, yeah? My drinking?" and BEHOLD, one of the greatest band names in history.
But it doesn't end there: this band ROCKS despite being somewhat unknown outside of the UK. The facts speak for themselves: Rolling Stone called them one of the biggest breaking bands of 2008; They were the 9th most listened to band on in 2008; and lead singer James Rushent co-produced The Prodigy's song "Invaders Must Die" and their top five hit "Omen". Deffo one of the best bands musically on this list by a long shot.

Kissy Sell Out
02. Kissy Sell Out
Years Active: It's one guy, born in 1984, so yeah, then.
Genre: Electro
Origin: Colchester, Essex, England

Three of my favourite things in life: (1) Making out with people. (2) compromising my integrity, morality and principles in exchange for money. (3) That PING sound a microwave makes when it is done. That sound is exactly what happened in my head when I heard this name for the first time.
Finding any information regarding the origins of this title is next to impossible (and impossible is often next to lazy) but it doesn't retract from the fact that a name like this gets me excited, almost so excited that it is number 1, if it just wasn't for...

Brian Jonestown Massacre
01. Brian Jonestown Massacre
Years Active: 1990 - present
Genre: Psychedelic Rock
Origin: San Francisco

A portmanteau is something that clever people do. Take Lewis Carol, for example. He made up such delicious examples such as: Mimsy (Flimsy and Miserable) and Frumious (Fuming and Furious).
So not only were this band so clever to use this fantastic English technique, they also used it in such a way that you would have to have some interesting general knowledge to get the joke.
The Jonestown Massacre was the largest cult suicide in history of ever. Jim Jones convinced his followers of 900 strong to drink cyanide laced Kool-Aid and DIE to cross over with him. I have been a "fan" of this for years, because if I had that many people following me, YOU WOULD ALL DIE TOO.
On the flip side, we have Brian Jones, the late guitarist from The Rolling Stones who drowned in his swimming pool, generally agreed as a result from drug and alcohol overdose. He was 27 years of age, making him one of the forefront members of the legendary 27 club. So it's uber clever, but requires some education just to understand. This is why I love it so much, it wins top spot, no challenge, case closed, goodbye.

Read books, watch TV, listen to music, steal everything.

Prostitution Amoung Primates
(I can find no evidence that this band even exists)
Girls Against Boys
God Is My Co-Pilot
Badly Drawn Boy
Dead Kennedy's

Captain Beefheart
...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead
Marilyn Manson
Arab on Radar
The Dillinger Escape Plan
Sex Pistols
Joy Division
The The
No Use for a Name
Sex Gang Children
Sheep on Drugs
Not Drowning, Waving
Violent Femmes
Dog Fashion Disco