The only creature I ever loved was a kangaroo.We didn't fuck though.
You know, for the first time in 3 years, I am going to be single on Valentines Day. The idea used to freak me out, but I'm chilling. I have come to realise that I know fuckall about love, I'm not even sure I have ever really experienced it, and for that reason I don't feel it is right to even attempt to fulfill that part of anyones life. Unless you really love me, are extremely hot and are willing to be ignored right up until bed-time - in which case: call me, honey ;)
So instead of trying to tell you what I think about love and lust and obsession and the celebration of Valentines day in general, I figured I'd cop-out and fall back on music again.
Here are 5 of my favourite rockstar encounters, chosen specifically because you probably didn't even know about them. And Happy Valentines day to you all - enjoy your love or your lack-of, wear a condom, or don't, and send me naked photos of yourself because I am a naughty little boy and I want to see your bits 'n pieces.
05. Iggy Pop & Nico
Nico has been around. If she was in your circle of friends, she might be called a skank. But the dick she has had inside of her is of such a royal rockstar calibre, we can just call her awesome. Because Nico is fucking awesome. She has had the cock's of such legendary figures poking around her insides from the likes of Bob Dylan, Brian Jones of The Rolling Stones, Jim Morrison of The Doors, Tim Buckley, Lou Reed of The Velvet Underground, and she was the most famous of Andy Warhol's Chelsea Girls. So I'm sure they did it too.
So why do I choose Iggy Pop in particular as her most interesting encounter? Well, why the hell are you asking me questions? Or did I just ask myself that question? Fuck, I think I did. Anyways, there is a reason, and it goes a little something like this:
In 1969 Iggy and Nico met. It wasn't the first time, but it was the only time Nico followed Iggy back to Michigan to live with him. May I remind you that at this point Mr Pop wasn't doing car insurance commercials, but in fact The Stooges had just released their debut album which has been pretty much the blue-print for punk-rock since then. So he was hot shit even if critics weren't agreeing, and Nico was probably in love or on drugs or something.
Enter François de Menil, a friend of Warhol and totally obsessed with Nico. He wanted to make a film with her in it, and she agreed just so long as long he included Iggy and her move in his plans. Reportedly, he was quite jealous of their relationship, and got his revenge by setting up a scene where the two frolicked among mannequins in a ploughed potato field. Iggy's face was painted in the style of a white mime, and apparently neither of them were happy with the result.
Wanna see it? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhFkLMiKtx0
They broke up pretty soon afterwards.
04. Jim Morrison & Janis Joplin
These are two members of the very exclusive 27 club, which is artists who died at the tender age of 27. So it's only fitting that these two pioneers of 60's subculture would eventually hook-up, right? Nope. You are totally wrong. Ignore the misleading title of this blog, these two have never had sex, been in a relationship or even kissed each other.
But there was an encounter. And this story has been told so many times that the facts have been distorted beyond complete recognition. But for the sake of entertaining you (and just you, baby) I will give you the sensationalized version.
Andy Warhol had a little get together in Santa Monica, with the who's who of cool including the likes of Sharon Tate and Tiny Tim. Mr Morrison (the lead singer of The Doors if you are a fucking idiot) and Ms. Joplin were there, which is good because this wouldn't be much of a story if they weren't. Jim was introduced to Janis, and they felt a mutual attraction to each other because they were both famous and loved to fuck. Joplin being the awkward creature she was ended up blurting a bunch of stuff about her troubled childhood, and Morrison being the gentle Lizard-King he was, listened.
They shared some stories, shared some alcohol, shared some pills and really started to get talking. But Jim was a messy drunk, and started to get loud which put Janis off. To rectify this, Morrison decided to grab the back of her head and shove it into his crotch. Because, you know, that's the kind of thing he did. She didn't dig it so much though, and she slapped him in his face, called him an asshole and left the party. Apparently it kind of killed the mood in the entire room, but Jim loved violence and was even more attracted to one of the few girls who had ever pushed him away. Which I guess we all do from time to time.
So he stumbled after her. By the time he caught up, she was already in her station wagon. He lent down to the window to apologise, Janis opened it and gracefully smashed her bottle of Southern Comfort over his head. Then she drove away, and he was out cold on the side of the road.
When Jim Morrison finally came to, he was even more in love than ever and tried really hard to get hold of her. Janis was not even remotely interested and apparently this crushed Morrison's heart. Ag shampies. I think we can all learn something here though. If you like a girl, don't forcefully shove her head into your crotch, right? I knew that already.
03. Eminem & Mariah Carey:
There is a good chance you knew about this one, but among all the other entries, it's good to have one that actually happened in the last year. And above all else, it's a fucking great story if there ever was one.
I could go into massive detail, but I would much rather let these two speak for themselves, wouldn't you?
It all began with Eminem's 2009 album Relapse, on a song called Bagpipes From Baghdad, which is a shit song on my taste buds. Nevertheless, he had some interesting things to say about Mariah, stuff like the two of them drinking red wine all day without eating. He then asks her why they broke up and saying he wants her back. He then warns her husband Nick Cannon to back the fuck up and describes Mariah's Hello Kitty bed spread. Then he kind of loses it, calls her a fucking whore and then talks about rubbing his scrotum on the tits of a pair of conjoined twins. So you say you're sober now my boy?
Anyways, Nick Cannon threw a fit and then Mariah hit back with my favourite song of her's ever: Obsessed. You've heard it. She really rips at him, saying she has no idea who he is, but he does too much drugs. She then goes on to ask (sing along now) why is he so obsessed with her? My favourite lyric is: "You're a mom and a pop, I'm a corporation, I'm the press conference, you're a conversation". That's genius, and for a second, I believed her over Eminem.
But, of course, Slim Shady is the illest white boy ever, and dissing people is a big part of the rap game. In summary, don't fuck with him. His response was the final say on the matter as I doubt Mariah would dare respond to this. He released an internet only song called The Warning, and it's one of my favourite of Em's tracks. He says so many things it's hard not to post all the lyrics right here, but some of the highlights include his claims that he has pictures of her and how he fucked her and then came to soon on her stomach, which apparently miffed her out a bit. He then calls her an alcoholic and warns her to leave it alone now. But the cherry on top comes when the song actually uses samples of Mariah's voice which Eminem obviously had in his possession.
I find the whole thing inspirational, so much so that I actually was listening to this song when I decided to do a similar thing to someone I know. It didn't go down so well.
Whatever, I highly recommend you check this all out, and because I am a nice guy, here are links to the songs and the lyrics of all the above mentioned tracks. Enjoy!
Bagpipes From Baghdad - Eminem
The Song
Lyrics
Obsessed - Mariah Carey
The Song
Lyrics
The Warning - Eminem
The Song
Lyrics
02. Madonna & Vanilla Ice
Madonna's CV is astounding. According to The BillBoard Top 100 All-Time Artists, she is only behind The Beatles, making her their greatest solo artist in history. She is also the world's highest earning female singer on our beautiful planet, and her 2008 Sticky & Sweet Tour became the highest grossing concert tour by a solo artist ever. She is a master of reinvention and has caused more controversy than any other female artist I can think of.
And then there is Rob Van Winkle AKA Vanilla Ice. He had one hit song Ice Ice Baby. It charted well, and then he got sued because he stole the bass-line from Under Pressure by David Bowie and Queen. Then, according to Rob, Suge Knight showed up at his house and then dangled him off of his balcony by his ankles until he signed papers claiming that Knight had written the song. How much money Vanilla Ice even gets off this song can't be much.
So how the fuck did the two of these people... fuck? Dude, I don't know, but they even dated for eight months (definitely the eight months Vanilla Ice was cool). They apparently had a bad break up. Vanilla Ice dished a bunch of dirt on her that she would call him at weird hours of the morning to check thathe wasn't sleeping with anyone else. He even went so far to say that it was the biggest regret in his life (Really? Even more than stealing "Under Pressure", Rob??) but was nice enough to say that she did have a nice body "for her age".
Madonna didn't comment much, she was probably too busy making money.
The real kicker comes when you actually look at photos of the two of them fucking from Madonna's book Sex. This was long before Pam And Tommy, Paris and Whoever-That-Guy-Was. And they did it on purpose. That's the shit I live for.
01. David Bowie & Mick Jagger
Boys fuck boys all the time these days, it's a hip thing to do. I've never done it myself, but I would totally fuck Bowie or Jagger even if they are a hundred years old and probably have herpies.
Regardless, something like this is pretty epic. In 1985 these two upstanding gentleman got together and recorded a cover of the Motown classic Dancing in the Street. It is just about the worst song in either of these guys' catalogue. But that is not all that happened, according to Angie, Bowie's first wife.
In her autobiography Backstage Pass, she says caught Bowie with many men in their time together, but when she found these two rockstars naked in her bed, it was her first time. She claims it was weird, but never really thought twice about it. Jagger had his own bed just down the road and Bowie was known to put his dick into pretty much anything, so in her mind it was obvious that shit went down. She then offered them both coffee and they said they did, in fact, want some.
(On a side note, Jagger wrote the song Angie about his love affair with the lady in question, so basically, everyone had sex in this story.)
After the divorce, Angie was forced under law to keep her mouth shut about the relationship for 10 years. Once the time was up, she spilled her guts and the press had a field day. Jagger was quick to deny the rumours and Bowie refused to answer any questions about it. And who could blame them? If this is true, it could seriously damage their reputations. But just by watching this video it's pretty easy to imagine Bowie sucking Jagger's penis. Go ahead. Think about that for a while. I am.
<insert clever conclusion here>
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