Wednesday 16 November 2011

Helen Zille’s Groupies Are Vicious

Helen Zille is a Squirrel
Anyone who knows me knows that I keep as far away from Politics as I possibly can, which is further than most people realise. The reason being is that my Dad was a prolific politician for my whole life (and is actually friends with Helen, which adds some extra humour to this post, I think) and so from a very young age, people have been asking me in-depth national questions as if I was some kind of an authority on the subject. I remember when I was 10 years old, my teachers would ask me about the policies of the ANC or the future of taxpayers' money, and they looked so disappointed when I told them I wanted to be a ninja when I grew up. So it should be fairly obvious why I swore off politics, and to this day I just agree with whatever my Dad says, whatever it is he says, I don’t really listen.

That said, I follow Helen Zille (the leader of the DA, the biggest opposition party in South Africa) on Twitter. For the most part, I find her funny, and she spends so much time replying to people’s questions that I wonder what the fuck else she does in her job. But it is a fantastic marketing tool, I’ll give her that, and I am sure like me, many people have been turned onto her ideals due to her embracement of this technology.

Recently, she made a statement which has caused a fair amount of stirring around South Africa. The statement was, simply put, that any man who partakes in unprotected sex with multiple partners should be charged with attempted murder due to the high AIDS rate of the country. Now look, if you are fucking a bunch of people, I agree that it is pretty stupid not to wear a condom, but I am strongly opposed to this extreme notion. I feel that the moment we get the legal system involved with something as beautiful as consensual sex, where does it end? The most personal and deepest sign of affection we can muster as human beings now monitored by the fucking government? Fuck that, it just feels wrong, like Big Brother here we come. And of course, her reasoning is not about the protection and well being of our people, but instead, money - surprise! The government forking out billions of Rands for HIV carriers’ medicine sucks for them I’m sure, but to write off these people’s misfortune as “careless” and slapping a manslaughter threat on top of that just seems to further separate the people, and installs fear into the oldest pass-time man has ever had. The whole thing is a weird concept to me.

Read more here and here if you want.

Whatever. As I said, I don’t give a fuck. I live in London for starters, and while SA was my home-and-raised for the first 23 years of my life, the political/criminal side of things was definitely a factor for me leaving it all behind, and so none of this really applies to me anyway. But something I do give a fuck about is Twitter, and so I just couldn’t help myself, and had to tell Helen Zille what I thought. To my excitement, she responded, and the brief exchange was as follows:

Jared Woods vs. Helen Zille

It doesn’t look like much, but it’s funny, admit it. Just admit it, I’m funny, c’mon. Sometimes I just laugh all by myself because I am that funny. But on this occasion, I had no idea what I had done. Before I knew it, my Twitter “exploded” in the tiniest of ways, much like a post-anal sex fart or a Pringles pop. People felt a need to tell me what they thought of me, and here are some of the remarks and retweets just so you can see:

Jared Woods vs. Twitter

Yup. Post-anal sex fart, I told you. So that was fun. Nothing amazing, but it is cool when one little Tweet can cause a bunch of people to react, I live for that shit.

BUT WAIT! It gets even better and I felt the deep need to share this particular conversation with you people. It all started from this one dude who was so upset, he actually told me I was ugly. ME? UGLY? Imagine! Hahaha gross. So of course I retaliated, and then his friends jumped in, and we had a nice little Twitter brawl. By all means, take a look:

Jared Woods vs. Schoeman Smit

Now despite my hard exterior and my reputation of being the most gangster white boy on the Internet EVER, this actually got to me. The reason was not their comments, I hardly read them, but more the fact that they just weren’t laughing. Try as I might, these people just couldn’t come to grasp that all of my Tweets (literally, all of my Tweets, every one I’ve ever written) were completely tongue-and-cheek and not to be taken seriously. I mean, just look what I was saying! Confessing my love, claiming I had AIDS, crying that I hadn’t been laid... desperately insulting myself and yet these people couldn’t get their heads around the complete ridiculousness of the situation. It’s sad that each attempt at getting a laugh was met with such hostility, and for this reason, the next paragraph is directed at these four individuals because I know they are the type of people who would google themselves.

Ian Vos. Schoeman Smit. Meg Pascoe. Jenna Bean Kerr. I am worried about you lot. I hope on some level you guys can tell what the Internet is, and the difference between this and real life. Otherwise, I am concerned at some point someone is going to troll you so bad that you might end up like Jessie Slaughter, and what if I am not around to help you if this happens? I shudder to think. So please guys, lighten up. I don’t have AIDS. I am not a ginger. I have sex quite regularly, thank-you-very-much. You guys seem like good friends, and that’s real nice, I truly would love to fuck all of you up the ass (yeah, you know you’d like that hey Ian my boy, kiss kiss). Maybe we could arrange it some time? But please, don’t take people on Twitter seriously, it will only result in confusion and wasted time. Especially you Shoeman, I worry about you the most. Hey Shoes? Schosholoza? Schoemandirin? Hey Mr. Smitten? Shoey McMan Smitibiti? I’m sure you’re lovely, take care of yourself.

For everyone else reading this blog, I would like to point out that I have conveniently linked their names to facebook. The reason is because I think these guys proved a specific quality of sensitivity, one that generally shouldn’t go to waste, so if you’re up for a bit of trolololololing, I think these are some perfect candidates. Yes, of course I want you to, they called me ugly.

Anyways, I know what you all are thinking. Why should you care? Why should this matter to you in any way? Well, it probably shouldn’t, but the whole REAL reason I wrote this blog is a different reason entirely. Due to people like those above and the others constantly ReTweeting and sending me messages, spreading my name like AIDS around Twitter (see what I did there Helen?) the following happened:

Jared Woods Was A Trending Topic

I checked the account in question (and I urge you to do the same) and it looks legit. Yup, for a few seconds I was a trending topic in South Africa, who wants to touch me? Two main things I’d like to say about this is (1) FUCK YES. ME. TRENDING. It is a mini-dream in one way or another (albiet on a smaller scale) and it does make me stoked that one little Tweet actually pushed me to that level of consciousness. I want it again. And (2) how fucking easy it is to trend in South Africa? I guess there must only be like 200 people in SA who know how to use Twitter, so if you can get 15 people to say your name, you trend or something? I can’t imagine what it takes to trend in London, but I will let you know when it happens. Regardless, thanks Zille, you’re a star.

And with that excitement out the way, the news in four lines:
I just launched a blog called 10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter (again), it’s shit.
Album Charts still going strong, I have started neatening up October now.
The Funpowder Plot are very close to Nitrous Of The Living Dead II, should be out in December, please watch the original here.
Coming Down Happy has hit a bit of a slow point, still set for February 2012 though.

The next blog will be launched around the 20th December, which will be The Best Albums Of 2011 (according to me). I am super stoked about this one because I have been writing since the 1st of Jan and I know I have a solid piece ready to go, far surpassing the last one. Then around the 27th or so my blog summarizing the entire of 2011 will be launched, so there will be plenty of Jared to go around.

And that is all. This was a weird post. I feel weird now.

Tuesday 15 November 2011

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter (again)

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter (again)
Those of you who endured the painful experience of reading my last two Twitter blogs (over here and here) are probably sitting there wondering... wtf Jared, another one? YES ANOTHER ONE, SHUT YOUR MOUTH CLOSED. Yeah, ok, I recognize the lack of interest for the last of the series, but there are two main reasons why I felt I had to do it again. The first reason is that I have been on Twitter longer, and have found many more fascinating people who I have learned to love, and I wanted to share this with you. The second (and more sinister) reason is that I realised I am in control of a very powerful curse.

Yes, it’s true. My Twitter Curse. I found out that by making lists of the people I loved most on Twitter, suddenly those people just weren’t loveable anymore. Seriously, almost the instant I gave them props, they fell off the radar and bleaked me out, rendering my last lists useless and without merit. Don’t believe? Believe! Here is the proof for you to analyse and agree with:

Jesus M Christ and Gary J Busey simply aren’t funny anymore. They are predictable and non-frequent.

The Dinner Guest has hardly Tweeted much at all since I posted about him, sporadically giving us long ramblings that span multiple Tweets which wore the novelty off fast.

Cat Bin Lady has only Tweeted 14 times in the last year or so, and while she has found much success all over the web (including a book which just came out), I found her Tweets to be much the same repeated.

We Fail continue to be funny, but are still making Flash sites, which means their days are numbered.

Paul Keely took months and months of time off of Twitter after my blog, thankfully he is back.

Similarly, Bypass Fan Pages lost their main poster and had trouble updating. Luckily, they have replaced them and are back on track. Shew, what a relief!

Shit My Dad Says became a TV show, which ran for 5 months to terrible reviews and then got cancelled.

Every 5th Tweet or so from Best Worst Advice is now a sponsored link, trying to take your hard earned money. Plus they aren’t funny anymore.

Despite posting a new lyric every hour, Bob Dylan Says stopped completely just under 3 weeks after the blog I made.

Undercover (the music news account) dropped off the face of the planet, the account has been replaced by this??

Oh yeah, and Ivy Bean DIED.

So 60% of my past favourites have become shit and it’s all my fault. What a waste of my time. And yet here we go again, we're out of our medicine, out of our minds, and we want in yours, let us in:

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: Almighty God

10. Almighty God

The Word Of God

Starting off with the big bang, this account isn’t verified or anything, but I’m pretty sure this is the real God. It makes sense, what is the easiest way one could be omnipresent these days other than the internet? Yeah, exactly. So God just kind of sits there on his figurative cloud, reposting links and retweeting people who take his name in vain or in any other interesting way. And unlike other such accounts, He doesn’t judge our Tweets, for ours is the kingdom of heaven, and He is pretty good at answering our prayers and questions. And when I die and get evaluated at the Pearly Gates, I’ll be all like “Yo God! I follow you on Twitter!” and I’d get in. Just keeping all bases covered, you dig?

Recent Tweets:
That voice in Herman Cain's head is not me.
I'm constructing a special room in hell for the people who created Internet Explorer's "compatibility mode."
Judas played a key role in my plan to save humanity. His reward: an eternity of torture in hell.
With the grain you feed to cattle, you could end human starvation many times over. Or not!
I just cured someone of cancer. And let someone else die of cancer. That's my prerogative.

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: Guy Kawasaki

09. Guy Kawasaki

Some Happy Man

This account pisses me off in every way. Tweets get spat from this Guy’s ass (who is apparently some kind of an author and worked for Apple or something) which are so well worded, you find yourself clicking the links as if Satan himself had licked your idle hand. But with topics ranging from gadgets to social networking charts to humorous relevant images to fancy napkins and LEGO structures... it’s always a little bit beyond ordinary. That said, 3 out of 4 posts are crap so approach with caution, it’s just that I CAN’T STOP CLICKING EVERY FUCKING LINK. To be honest, I didn’t even want to include this account on the list, but The Devil made me do it. I do whatever he tells me to do. I do whatever Guy Kawasaki tells me to do.

Recent Tweets:
Mint-flavored parking tickets
A rocking chair for two
The rapid rise of Tumblr [infographic]
Pillows shaped and screen-printed to look like a weapon set
Adorable birthday flipbook [video]

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: wowsers

08. wowsers

The Eleventh Owl To Walk On The Moon

wowser is a pretty smart guy. He paints pictures and Tweets seemingly weird and funny things, but when you really think about what he's said, it’s generally quite current and socially conscious. It’s like a stream of ponderings about real life problems; the introspective path to happiness; and the Internet - all candy coated in a childlike humour. Kind of like an owl. Yeah, just like an ambitious literate owl.

Recent Tweets:
Allow trees to be sad in peace. Let's not stigmatise them as Low Trees.
An eye for an eye makes us all live in some weird, unsustainable economy where eyes are used as currency.
On last night's GOP debate Mitt Romney turned into a blue lizard. It was a slip-up, but shouldn't cost him the nomination.
I love Mailer Daemon's emails. He's so funny.
It's getting darker earlier? I hadn't noticed because I don't SEE race.

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: LDN

07. LDN

Your London Guide

Let’s face it, if you aren’t living in London, where are you living? Let me guess! Somewhere with crap music hahaha! And like, a shitty Internet connection, right? Hahaha! Oh, and don’t forget the sun! Hahah! I bet you have the sun where you live, don’t you? Hahaha! I bet you like your precious sun hey? Hahaha! :’(
WHATEVER. The point is, if you DO live in London, you really should follow this account because it is updated multiple times a day with places to party, news relating to the tube and overall interesting things about this miserable place we live. In all honesty, I don’t click their links all that much, but it does give me that feeling of “don’t worry guys, we’re in it together” and then I cry and have a wank in my damp concrete room.

Recent Tweets:
Dita Von Teese is set to unveil a pop-up, speakeasy bar in London's Pigalle Club
Brazilian Rodizio all-you-can-eat grill with dessert and cocktail for £15 at Nabrasa
Things to do in London on a budget this week
A black cab gets yarn bombed
Pictures from today's student protests

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: First World Pains

06. First World Pains

They're Talking About You

While the idea of this account is sometimes bigger than the Tweets themselves, who gives a fuck, it’s the greatest idea ever. The reason why, is that this account brought the best conversational reversal of recent times into a larger consciousness. For example, next time your friend complains that her nails haven’t dried fast enough, or that his car is running out of petrol, just say “#FirstWorldPains”, pop your collar, and then walk away. Because it’s true. These things may hurt us (and they really do), but we’re all eating just fine, so stop complaining already.

Recent Tweets:
I almost had first comment on a YouTube video, but someone beat me! #firstworldpains
I left my phone at home and worried all day about missed calls and texts only to find out no one sent any. #firstworldpains
My iPod froze on my favorite part of the song. #firstworldpains
The girl I like has her facebook pictures set on friends only. #firstworldpains
I ate too much at lunch and now I'm tired #firstworldpains

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: Wolf Pupy

05. Wolf Puppy

A Baby Wolf Puppy

I don’t know who taught this baby wolf how to use a computer, but none of it seems natural. He Tweets things which not only confuse me, but he also makes videos for YouTube and draw pictures on request using MSPaint, I think. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t have opposable thumbs, you use MSPaint. Still, he’s pretty good, and I’m not scared of you wolfpuppy. Intimidated, maybe, but not scared.

Recent Tweets:
Hulk Hogan demands only the finest Anime Figurines and Sword Replicas
give a man a fish and he'll kill everyone you love
you can't just point to a bird and call it "bird of the day" isn't there some sort of criteria or selection process
gotta get me that paper and flip it to the funnies. that nigga garfield is hilarious

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: Sickipediabot

04. Sickipediabot

Offensive Jokes
191,588 Followers is a website which utilizes a little penis as its favicon - that’s how you know it’s serious. But for those of you who don’t know how serious, you can go to the website or listen to my summary right now: it’s a user-driven list of “sick jokes”, which like minded sick people around the web can rate as Sick or Sucks. I used to really enjoy this practice, except now I get the jokes delivered straight into my Twitter feed, so y'know, success. I don’t know if this account is official (they don’t even have a profile pic?) or if it’s really a bot (I have seen some suspiciously human like tweets complaining about plagiarism) but who cares? I lol, and lolling is the point of the Internet. Period.

Recent Tweets:
I bought a rape whistle and it has come in handy..really helps to mask the screams.
Every time I go on holiday, my wife ends up pregnant. I'm taking her with me next time.
I almost ruined my first job interview by laughing at the man's wheelchair. But I managed to keep my composure and went on to hire him.
Is it normal when your left ball hangs lower than your middle one?
I've swapped the 'No Smoking' sign outside of my pub to a 'No Fags' sign. It works as a double deterrent.
I watch pom. You misread that, didn't you.

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: OMG Life Hacks

03. OMG Life Hacks

Make Your Life Easier

This account pretty much sums up what’s awesome about the Internet. While people could (and have) argued that Twitter is a stream of useless updates, rotting your brain like a series of adverts (Ok, I made that last bit up, but it sounds like something people might say, right?) this is the place to prove them wrong. Updated often with rad ways to improve and streamline your very existence in practical and easy-to-use ways, just go the page right now and read the first 10 Tweets. Your days will be instantly better. You’re welcome.

Recent Tweets:
Try applying your deodorant at night instead of the morning! It'll be more effective and you'll sweat less the next day. #lifehacks
To stop an impending yawn, touch your tongue. #lifehacks
Want to send an extra-long text (on a non-smartphone)? Send a picture message with no picture - they hold up to 1000 characters! #lifehacks
Need just a *little* more power from some dead batteries? Put A where B is, & B where A is, & you get another few minutes of use. #lifehacks
Never accidentally send an unfinished email again! Don't fill in the "to:" field until you're ready to send it. #lifehacks

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: Pathetic Paul

02. Pathetic Paul

THAT guy.

There is a little bit of Pathetic Paul in all of us. And if you combined the patheticness in all of us together, it would be Pathetic Paul. But no matter how ridiculous the scenarios that come from this account are, they are all laced with that vibe you can relate to. “OMG, I’ve been there Paul. I’VE BEEN THERE!” you might find yourself saying. And yet no matter how sympathetic your heart feels towards the guy, you know you would have spat on him in High School. I spat on many Pauls in my time. I’m not a very nice person.

Recent Tweets:
Get hit on by girl... Realize it 2 years later.
Politely say no when friend offers food... Regret it for the next hour.
Pretend everyone is naked while giving a speech... Got a boner.
Sit next to people talking in a foreign language... Oh god, they're talking about me.
Girl thinks my leg is the table leg and rests her feet on it... Remain absolutely still for 5 minutes.

10 People You Have To Follow On Twitter: Chris Simpsons Artist

01. Chris SimpsonsArtist

My Favourite Account On Twitter

I have this weird hazy memory that a couple of years back, I had sex with a really nice lady and she got pregnant by mistake. It was scary, but we decided to keep the baby and every night when I got home from work, I bounced this child on my knee and spoke gibberish to him. But as much as I cared for this kid, my relationship with the woman became a bit turbulent, and after a few months she left me to go overseas somewhere, taking my baby with her. I didn’t miss the girl much, but what hurt the most was that I had no access to my love-child except for the ocassional letter or photograph emailed to me. I don’t really know how else to explain it, but each word I recieved detailing my son’s life filled me with adoration and love - a massive pride I can't properly describe without using hand gestures. But it also broke my heart, as I knew I was missing all the good things, or perhaps even that this entire story was made up in the first place. Basically what I'm trying to say is, if you are reading this Chris SimpsonsArtist, I think I might be your father. Did I mentioned he draws really well too? Yeah, he does.

Recent Tweets:
i am sat next to a man with one arm on the bus and it is a bit rubbish but i have more room so it is better than man with normal arms xox
i am home now and i fell asleep in a troly at tescos but i am fine because a old man woke me up by putting a french stick on my face xox
if it isnt broke then dont fix it but if it is broke just put a bit of sellotape on it and it will be fine trust me xox
oh my god it is lady gaga on my television i am having a panic attack xox
there is always a worried teenager on xfactor xox
baby moles are a fragile gift xox
i cant stop thinking about what i would look like if i had no lips xox

And here are 10 more very good accounts for your grubby fingers:
Html5 Douche
Cranky Kaplan
Old Funny Joker
English 50cent
Sick Jokes
Old Man Search
Average Batman
NBA Jam Announcer
The Funpowder Plot

At the end of the day, the only person you should follow on Twitter is me. I AM THE CHOSEN ONE. God I hate writing conclusions, I don't feel I'm particularly good at them.