Urinals

I’m 27 years old and I still fear urinals. Very often in a public bathroom if all the stalls are occupied, I pretend like I need a shit and wait for them to become available, even if there is just one other guy using the facilities. Sometimes I shift nervously on my feet and place my hands on my buttocks, wincing a bit as if I really really got a big log coming. You know, to make it seem more authentic (even though I probably just come across as a dramatwat).

The reason I do this is because so many times I have stood there with my wang hanging out, and nothing comes. Some dude will be breathing heavily next to me, pissing away joyfully, and I just can’t force the liquid's motion. I can literally feel the urine retreating back up into my bladder. It’s no concern about dick size, mind you - I’d happily pull my pants down in front of a crowded bathroom and shout “LOOK AT THIS!” Hell, I could probably even have a wank into the urinal much faster. But instead, my mind plays games, my urethra gets shy, and so I do a pretend shake and walk away. But I know I didn’t pee. And I’m certain the guy next to me knows I didn’t pee too, and is probably thinking “ooh, look at the scaredy boy, so self conscious he can’t even take a leak.” What’s worse is that I still need a fucking piss.

Of course, this doesn’t apply when I’m drunk. I whip that shit out anywhere and let all the urine flow, unafraid and proud. In fact, one of my favourite things to do whilst intoxicated is to stand next to a guy at the urinal and then start pissing before he does. And suddenly, he can’t pee anymore. Hell yes bitch, the roles are reversed! I purposefully take longer so he writhes in discomfort, his mind now fucking with his penis. I grunt and keep an eye on him using my peripheral vision, so even though he isn't sure, it does feel like I'm aware that this job isn't getting done. And sometimes... just sometimes... if I’m lucky enough... he’ll do a fake shake and walk away.

Girls will never understand this shit.


So, wow, how ya’ll doing?? It’s been ages since I’ve updated this thing, which in all fairness is exactly what I intended to do. I said so. But if you are even remotely interested in my shit, you’ll know that I’ve been a very busy boy lately. It’s actually a miracle I’m posting here even now. Well, I won’t keep you in suspense, here is what’s been happening in my creative world:


COMING DOWN HAPPY
God, I’m already so sick of that name. But it is nice that after 3.5 years, this project is actually out there, with just one last song to go. It has caused so much trouble in life. I have lost friends and even family members, and yet I am still glowing with pride. It’s kind of like having a son who becomes the biggest mass murderer in history. You know it’s wrong, but goddamn, at least he wasn’t second best.
The final video will be launched this Thursday here. And if you haven’t watched the others, I urge you to do so. Never have I done something so intense and amazing. If it sounds like I’m boasting, it’s because I fucking am.

JUICE NOTHING
Now while it seems to have been quiet on this side, I have actually been writing something fierce. I’ve just launched the Top 50 Lyrics Ever (according to me) article, which was a quick one (this news post is probably longer) but I feel it’s a worthy piece and something I’ve been meaning to do for ages.
Besides this, I have a collaborative piece 100% done (I think) but am waiting for the word from the partner in crime. Er... if you’re reading this, get back to me please?? Thanks.
I have also got another article 90% written which will be done very very soon, and another old one I will be reworking. Plus there are many others. Basically, what I am saying is this: every year I aim to do 12 pieces at least, and 2012 will be no different. I launched the final 2 parts of The Top 50 Albums Of 2011, Reinterpreted As Short Stories in January, and have launched said lyrics blog now, in April. April is the 4th month of the year, so 4 - 2 - 1 = 1. Which means if I launch 2 blogs next month (which I will), I am already 100% up-to-date. But at this rate, I’ll be launching 2 blogs in June too, which will put me ahead.
What’s my secret? Writing on the tube, bitch.

THE FUNPOWDER PLOT
Much like Juice Nothing, a weird thing has happened here: we are collecting a backlog of unfinished work. Nitrous 2 is surely done, but I just don’t understand wtf is going on. Some finishing touches everyone wants that I bitch about, but no one listens. However, and so help me God, May it will be launched.
Besides this, Ammr has been working hard on a rad project, and is very far with this. Loose has been the center of another idea, which is half shot I believe. We have a full piece shot for Halloween already and I have another idea which I will be pushing to be filmed in May.
Then if (IF) I can convince the boys to shoot a Coming Down Happy music video, we already have 6 projects in motion - which is much better than last years 2, would you agree? Yes, you would.


Finally, I must end off by saying that My Head Is So Full Of Fuck right now. I have been writing my fingers to the second knuckle and working my ass to the stomach on Coming Down Happy. Plus my real job has been insane AND I am moving house at the end of this month, which is an organizational mindfuck on its own. All of this pressure would normally cause tension within me, but what has ended up happening is a blur. Each minute of my day is so full up that I only stop to eat (quickly) and sleep. The weeks evaporate and I can’t tell the days apart. It’s numbing and it’s fast and I can’t even see it happen. Maybe this is how you’re supposed to do it all along: push yourself so hard that you break on through to the other side, where routine propels you past time an you build and empire without even being there.

Anyways, follow me on Twitter.
Jared

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Top 50 Best Lyrics Ever (according to me)

Songs are awesome, and we all like to consume them for varying reasons. Maybe you prefer a nice Mid-Tempo Easy Listening Jazz to help you sit down and chill, enjoying a glass of wine with your meal at the end of the day. Maybe you prefer some hyper Hardstep Drum ‘n' Bass to get your willy hard, aiding your bounces off the wall whilst you gurn your teeth blunt on meth. Maybe you prefer some Brutal Death Metal while you sacrifice the family cat, or some West Coast Hardcore Hip-Hop to give you that extra confidence to shoot somebody.

Me? I have no preference, I like all of those things. Music is like people in my opinion: I love you all no matter what the colour of your skin. There is a time and a place for whatever, and the time is RIGHT NOW.

That said, there is obviously an added poetic element to music that holds some lyrical content. It can make or break a song with one line, and there is a special feel about that kind of calculated risk. Needless to say, I am no less than obsessed with them. WORDS, MATE. FUCKING WORDS, I LOVE 'EM. In fact, for almost the entire duration of 2008, my Facebook status updates consisted solely of song lyrics, and with that in mind I challenged my Friends to guess which artist/song each one had come from, awarding points and taking note of who got what right when. In fact, you can still view the entire thing on my profile somewhere if you feel like looking for it.

I guess what I am getting at is this: people are PASSIONATE about their favourite band and the lyrics that mean so much to them in their lives. Point proven when I was researching for this very blog and once again used Facebook to get other opinions. I believe I got a reply a minute for around half an hour, which was a beautiful thing to see. I mean, I didn’t use any of the suggestions, but I appreciated the involvement anyway.

Which brings us to this shit, where I have spent the last few weeks collecting up what I think are the best 50 lyrics I have ever heard in my life. And even though many of these are just for personal reasons, I won’t ruin the magic by giving my own 2 cents on why each one was included. I'd suggest you just listen to the songs - the whole thing will always make more sense in context. You should also know that all quoted material was disqualified (for example the line “Just Because You're Paranoid Don't Mean They're Not After You” from Nirvana - Territorial Pissings is one of my favourite lyrics of all time, but was originally said by Henry Kissinger, therefore not included). And I have also painfully decided to only feature ONE lyric per band/artist, which for groups like Radiohead or Blood Brothers was an incredibly hard thing to do.

Alright, got it? Here they are:


50.
“She turned my dad on”
Gorillaz - 5/4

49.
“Pat yourself on the back and give yourself a handshake, ‘cos everything is not yet lost”
Faith No More - Land Of Sunshine

48.
“You talk too loud in the movies, could you please be a little bit considerate?”
Max Normal - You Talk Too Loud

47.
“Like Fingerpainting 101, give me no credit for having class. One thumb on the pulse of the nation, one thumb in your girlfriend's ass”
Bloodhound Gang - The Inevitable Return Of The Great White Dope

46.
“I know I'm headed for the bottom. But I'm riding you all the way”
Soundgarden - Mailman

45.
“I'm not sick, but I'm not well”
Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta

44.
“I’m deep inside your children. They'll betray you in my name”
Rage Against The Machine - Sleep Now In The Fire

43.
“Oh an egg comes out of a chicken. Oh a chick comes out of an egg”
Mr Bungle - Egg

42.
“It’s enough to make me cry. But that don't seem like it would make it feel better”
Jack Johnson - Traffic In The Sky

41.
“Five year old motherfucking pantyshot, can’t complain. I didn’t even touch her, so I can’t be blamed”
Mindless Self Indulgence - Pantyshot.

40.
“How do you preach the word if you don't know how to read?”
The Veils - Jesus for the Jugular

39.
“I don't want to be lonely. I just want to be alone”
Silverchair - Across The Night

38.
“I was believer when you told me that you loved me. And then you called me someone else’s name”
Aerosmith - Falling In Love (Is Hard On The Knees)

37.
“Music: The great communicator. Use two sticks to make it in the nature”
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Can’t Stop

36.
“If I could, maybe I'd give you my world. How can I when you won't take it from me?”
Fleetwood Mac - Go Your Own Way

35.
“Your halo slipping down to choke you now”
A Perfect Circle - The Noose

34.
“And I only love you when I'm down. And I'm only near you when I'm gone. But one thing for you to keep in mind, you know that I'm down all the time”
Chris Cornell - When I’m Down

33.
“She'd never seen the word ‘bombs’ blown up to 96 point Futura”
Vampire Weekend - Holiday

32.
“The center of attention even when we're up against the wall”
Britney Spears - Gimme More

31.
“We left the restaurant where the head waiter in his 60's said 'Good bye, sir. Thank you for your business, sir. You're successful and established, sir. And we like the frequency with which you dine here, sir, and your money.' And when I walked by, they said 'Thank you too dear,' I was all pigtails and cords. And there was a day when I would've said something like 'Hey dude, I could buy and sell this place, so kiss it. I too once thought I was owed something’”
Alanis Morissette - I Was Hoping

30.
“I understand the fascination. I've even been there once or twice, or more. But if you don't change your situation, then you'll die. You'll die, don't die, don't die. Please don't die”
Placebo - Commercial For Levi

29.
“No one’s laughing at God when they see the one they love hand in hand with someone else, and they hope that they’re mistaken. No one laughs at God when the cops knock on their door and they say ‘we got some bad news, sir.’ No one’s laughing at God when there’s a famine or fire or flood. But God can be funny at a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke”
Regina Spektor - Laughing With God

28.
“But you forget that in your fairy tale, bitch, I'm the wolf”
Dillinger Escape Plan - Black Bubblegum

27.
“I'm not in love, but I'm gonna fuck you 'til somebody better comes along”
Marilyn Manson - User Friendly

26.
“A man walks down the street, it's a street in a strange world. Maybe it's the Third World. Maybe it's his first time around. He doesn't speak the language, he holds no currency. He is a foreign man. He is surrounded by the sound, the sound. Cattle in the marketplace, scatterlings and orphanages. He looks around, around, he sees angels in the architecture. Spinning in infinity, he says ‘Amen and Hallelujah!’”
Paul Simon - You Can Call Me Al

25.
“'Oh, now he's raping his own mother, abusing a whore, snorting coke, and we gave him the Rolling Stone cover?’ You goddamn right, bitch, and now it's too late. I'm triple platinum and tragedies happened in two states”
Eminem - Kill You

24.
“You know where you are? You're in the jungle, baby. You're gonna die”
Guns N Roses - Welcome To The Jungle

23.
“Phoney Beatlemania has bitten the dust”
The Clash - London Calling

22.
“I saw this thing on ITV the other week. Said that if she played with her hair, she's probably keen. She's playing with her hair well regularly, so I reckon I could well be in”
The Streets - Well Be In

21.
“I’m worth a million in prizes”
Iggy Pop - Lust For Life

20.
“I like my sugar with coffee and cream”
Beastie Boys - Intergalactic

19.
“To the rescue, here I am”
Bob Marley - Sun Is Shining

18.
“Oh I could drink a case of you, Darling. Still I'd be on my feet”
Joni Mitchell - A Case Of You

17.
“If I met you in a scissor fight, I'd cut off both your wings on principle alone”
Incubus - Megalomaniac

16.
“The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away”
Tom Waits - Step Right Up

15.
“I'm a mix of God and monkeys”
Danger Mouse/Sparklehorse feat. Iggy Pop - Pain

14.
“I joke about sex because it's funny when you're frightened”
Dresden Dolls - Lonesome Organist Rapes Page Turner

13.
“Thou shalt not use poetry, art or music to get into girls pants. Use it to get into their heads”
Dan Le Sac Vs Scroobius Pip - Thou Shalt Always Kill

12.
“Fuck, this is like the coolest song I ever heard in my whole life”
Die Antwoord - Enter The Ninja

11.
“The verse of the day is ‘Baby heads planted in the ground don't make baby trees.’ And thank you! Goodnight!”
The Blood Brothers - Live At The Apocalypse Cabaret

10.
“I can't even touch the books you've read”
Bob Dylan - Idiot Wind

09.
“Last night I drew a funny man with dog eyes and a hanging tongue. It goes way back”
Fever Ray - When I Grow Up

08.
“I'll laugh until my head comes off. I'll swallow ‘till I burst”
Radiohead - Idioteque

07.
“Got to be good looking ‘cos he's so hard to see”
The Beatles - Come Together

06.
“I wonder what my body would sound like slamming against those rocks. And when it lands, will my eyes be closed or open?”
Bjork - Hyperballad

05.
“He bought me a soda and he tried to molest me in the parking lot. Yep! Yep, yep, yep!”
Pixies - Bone Machine

04.
“She said ‘I know you, and you cannot sing.’ I said ‘That's nothing, you should hear me play piano’”
The Smiths - The Queen Is Dead

03.
“Staring at this Parisian sex flick where the characters don't meet, the characters don't speak, and the characters are like mirrors facing mirrors, space always expanding”
GlassJAw - Siberian Kiss

02.
“I don't believe in Bible. I don't believe in tarot. I don't believe in Hitler. I don't believe in Jesus. I don't believe in Kennedy. I don't believe in Buddha. I don't believe in Mantra. I don't believe in Gita. I don't believe in Yoga. I don't believe in kings. I don't believe in Elvis. I don't believe in Zimmerman. I don't believe in Beatles. I just believe in me. Yoko and me”
John Lennon - God

01.
“You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you. Don't you?”
Carly Simon - You’re So Vain


SOME SORT OF A CONCLUSION TO WRAP IT UP NEATLY I SUPPOSE:
I like to believe I was pretty thorough with my selection (I chose these out of roughly 400 other options), but I know the goddamn second I press “Publish” I will probably think of a million more. As is with the nature of music: it is subjective, even on a day-to-day personal basis. But if nothing else, hey, at least I wrote a blog about it, and you didn’t. ANOTHER POINT FOR JARED, YOU ARE ALL SECOND BEST.


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