Wednesday, 18 December 2013


Juice Nothing in 2014
And here are, yet again at another curtain call, the lights of 2013 dimming and the audience collecting their recycling to start afresh. Now, as tempting as it is for me to sit here and summarise what the year has meant to Juice Nothing and Jared Woods and all the self references between, there is a time and place for everything, and it’s called Dear 2013 (which will be the final article released moments before the 365 finish line). No, instead I will be spending this year's final news words much like I did with last years, by detailing what you should or should not be looking forward to in 2014, as well as anything else you may have missed in recent months. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

10 Worst Album Covers of 2013/10 Best Album Covers of 2013
Last year I wrote The Top 20 Album Artworks of 2012 (according to me), and this year I continued the tradition with a slight twisted incarnation; a split article which does exactly as it says on the tin. For as much as it is great to praise those musicians who have spent a little extra bit of pride on their forefronted imagery, it can be even more fun to insult those who completely fucked it up. Which is why I am pretty sure this evolution of the original idea will become a regular fixture from now on until forever.

The Top 50 Albums of 2013
Released at the same time as this news item (complete with an expansion pack because I love nearly killing myself), pretty much my most worked on and (well-deserved) most popular annual blog has arrived. I am more pleased with this one than any other that came before, but I am also sick of talking about it, so just read. You will learn things.

As per usual, I already have a stupidly long list of blogs I have started and want to kick out the door as soon as possible, and yet as per usual, God only know which ones (if any) will ever see the light of day. Regardless (and for the sake of just writing shit down), here are the ones I am willing to let you know about:

My Brief Brushes With Greatness III
The Greatest Films Ever
Greatest TV Shows Ever
Ode to Studio Ghibli
The Sister Article to that N-word One
Extension to Top 100 Songs Ever
Extension to Top 30 Rock Gawds
My Opinion on Feminism
My Opinion on the Definition of Art

And of course, the year end will include them Best Album Covers one, Top 2014 Albums one, and Dear 2014, just so long as I survive right until the end. I also have an extra personal one brewing for January, but.

As something I have already spoken about to death (without actually giving any concrete evidence of its existence), I spent a large portion of 2013 building a brand new Juice Nothing website, from the ground up, all from scratch. I can’t (bare to) imagine it taking any longer than another year, so I am (fairly) confident it will come out during the next 12 months. I really can’t emphasis this enough: I have pulled out every bit of artillery from every bodily pore I could locate, so even if it turns out to be one big mess, it will be a beautiful impressive mess.
And, yes, plans include the replacement for Formspring, don’t you worry.

A month or so ago, I launched the 7th Coming Down Happy chapter, titled The Dakota Fanning Grape Movie. Without a doubt (and entirely intentionally) it was the filthiest most disgusting piece of art I could shit out, and probably that anyone should legally be able to get away with. Truth be told, I was quite nervous about the whole thing, anticipating loss of friends or perhaps even getting fired from my job, but something far worse happened: nothing at all. Still, there have been one or two people who dubbed it my “best work yet”, and even I figured it was decent enough, so check it out. It is truly THE turning point of the whole tale; where everything falls deadly sour.

Unfortunately (and despite my very best efforts, believe), one cannot rush good art, which is why the planned four-track Black EP couldn’t quite reach conclusion in 2013. It’s sad, but not the end of the world, it’s just music ffs. So, as a result, the first CDH release of 2014 will be the final song from said group, and I am stoked to report that it is incredibly close to completion. It literally just fell into place so quickly, which is a sign of a good song. And, yes, it is a good song, the risk of repeating myself not lost of me: I think it’s my favourite so far. Expect it late Jan/early Feb.

After which, the whole Coming Down Happy cartoon story will go on an extended break. As much as I know exactly where it is going and am eager to get there, I can’t really describe the painful amount of energy that gets pumped into each one of these videos to very little response. Which is why in 2014, I will be doing the exact opposite, recording songs in a hyper-speed fashion, looking to capture lightning rather than polishing a diamond. I am aiming for at least 9 songs in total to be produced next year, but in my mind I can see up to as much as 18. How could I possibly know such specific numbers? Easy. I’ve already written them all. Almost. Kinda. About halfway, actually.

On a side note, another full LP project is underway, which will be released slowly over many many years, but let’s rather cross that bridge once we find it.

For me, this is the side of my creativity which I am most amped about in 2014. This is owed mostly due to my debut novel This Is Your Brain On Drugs, which will no doubt be published during the year, probably somewhere around the middle. I am still editing away and making some little plot changes, as well as formatting the book itself (which is so much fun!), not to mention a load of other cool things I can’t really talk about just yet, but in many ways, I see this as my main priority.

Besides that awesomeness, I have two other short stories which will most likely be released from my brain vagina next year:

The first will be a sequel-of-sorts to The Johnson Line, which I will be writing on my plane trip to South Africa in February, almost exactly the same way The Johnson Line was written in the first place. This should be a good one, not only because of the concept but also because it’s going to be the first actual short short story I’ve ever written.

The second will be a sequel-of-sorts to The Triangular Theory of Love, which will be a much much bigger project. I started it ages ago (and have mentioned it before, if you were paying attention) but it was fucking terrible, and so I scrapped it. But recently I kind of remembered where the original inspiration came from, and have started to pick it apart again from a slightly different perspective. Then I remembered I had this other little idea for a short story, and figured out a way to merge the two tales together. It’s still in the very very early stages, but it’s snowballing.

Is it too early to mention I have a pretty thick plotline for my second novel? Or that there will be a version of the Coming Down Happy story in this medium? Shew, if this keeps up I may have to make a new website or something...

So as predicted, it happened. Ash left London to go back home to Australia to fight komodo dragons, and Kris left London to pursue his lifelong dream of fucking ladyboys in Thailand. In my mind, this meant the end of FPP, the band had broken up. We had a good run.

And then me and Ammr sat down and had a serious long chat about our potential future. That is to say, I am no longer concerned about the future of Funpowder Plot. No idea what we are going to do (or I have a very good idea and I’m just not telling you), but I honestly feel like the best is yet to come. Everything before was just childsplay. Please remember I said this.

The only other thing worth mentioning is my autobiography. Man, this is going to be awesome, I just need to start it. It does feel a bit stupid, in a way. Why would somebody who is essentially nobody write about a life no one cares for? OH BUT ONLY IF YOU KNEW. Still, I might as well write it, and then when I inevitably become the next Lennon, I’ll publish it immediately to rave reviews and a messiah like result.

Alright people, have a merry xmas and a happy new year. Get your coats on, let’s get ready for a big one.

Enough love to fill the Albert Hall,

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